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It was close to the end of middle school when it started. Beck had been popular with the girls, even back then. He never had to woo anyone, girls practically fell in his lap, but he still did the romantic gestures, because that was just the kind of guy Beck was. Is.
It was one evening in the Fall, and Robbie was studying over at Beck’s house, since his parents were fighting again and his house was never quiet anymore.
“You know,” Beck had said, pausing his homework and pressing his pencil to his lip, “why do guys always have to get the girls flowers? Maybe I want to get flowers sometimes.”
Robbie had just nodded, and went back to the paper he was writing. But a couple weeks later, Beck had aced a test he’d been really stressed about, so Robbie went to the grocery store and bought a yellow bouquet. It was surprisingly expensive — Robbie had to dip into his bike fund to buy it — but he hoped it would be worth it.
Robbie knocks on the door of Beck’s house, hoping to god that one of Beck’s parents doesn’t open the door. Luckily, it’s Beck that swings the door wide open.
“Hey, Robbie!”
“These are for you,” Robbie says, and holds out the flowers. He half expects Beck to flush, and hurriedly take the flowers to his room so his parents don’t see and get the wrong impression. But, instead, his face lights up with a loose smile.
“Really? What for?”
“Your test! I know you were really stressed about it, but you aced it and I wanted to say congrats-u-lations!”
“Aw, thanks Robbie! Here, come in, let’s find a vase.”
Beck had grabbed the flowers, pulled Robbie into a quick but warm hug, and then tugged him inside. He’d grabbed a vase and stuck the flowers in them, leaving them right on the kitchen table for everyone to see. He didn’t seem embarrassed or hesitant about letting his parents see them, and it filled Robbie with a bubbly sort of happiness.
They’d gone upstairs and spent the afternoon playing video games, and when Robbie went to leave, Beck thanked him again and gave him a second hug.
Ever since then, Robbie had bought Beck flowers from time to time— when he got an amazing part in a play, or sometimes when he was upset about something, Robbie would show up at his front door, bouquet in hand. It would bring a smile to Beck’s face every time.
It continued even now, in high school, with Beck now grown up and living in an RV. When Beck was dating Jade, Robbie would still come by. Jade had rolled her eyes at him the first couple of times he came to the RV to give her boyfriend flowers, but soon she grew used to it.
Giving someone flowers is often seen as inherently romantic. It’s not that way with Beck, well, not really. Beck’s almost always dating some girl anyway, so it could never be taken as romantic. Not that Robbie wants it to be.. not necessarily..
Anyway, it’s not that Beck never does romantic-coded things towards Robbie. He’s always been a physically affectionate person, casually throwing his legs across a friend’s lap and slinging his arm around a shoulder. He does this with Robbie — leans on him when they watch movies, sits so close that their legs press together when they eat lunch, etc. But it’s just platonic, like a friendly punch on the shoulder, it’s just how Beck acts around all of his friends.
Still, though, sometimes he touches Robbie in different ways, ways that some people would consider to be inherently romantic. Like, sometimes they’re in the kitchen, making pizzas at a sleepover, and Beck will squeeze behind him to grab some oregano, and he'll lightly touch the small of Robbie’s back as he moves past him. And, on occasion, when they’re done hanging out and Beck goes to leave, he’ll give Robbie a quick kiss on the cheek.
It isn’t explicitly romantic — Robbie knows Beck’s just a really physically affectionate guy. But he doesn’t see Robbie kissing Andre on the cheek, or touching the small of Andre’s back.
Whatever it is, Beck’s always good to him. Robbie is, well, he’s fucked up, to put it lightly. He’s got a plethora of undiagnosed mental illnesses, and most of all, he’s just sad. He just hates himself. And, a lot of people seem to hate him too. Or at the very least, they say mean things about him, and they put him down. And Robbie is good at handling it on his own, most of the time.
But sometimes, it spills over. Sometimes, over brunch with Beck, he’ll start crying, unprompted. And Beck always grabs him and pulls him to his chest and holds him tightly. Robbie will just sob into Beck’s chest and clutch at his shirt and it’s a comfort like he’s never known. None of his other friends hold him like that, and god knows his parents never have. Robbie’s not sure it would feel like this with another friend, anyway. It’s the fact that Beck’s bigger than him, with broader shoulders, that adds to the comfort. It’s the unmistakable smell of Beck’s pepperminty cologne that helps Robbie catch his breath again.
After Beck and Jade break up, the second time, the realest time, the time where they stay apart for months and shoot glares at each other in the halls, Robbie goes to Beck with a fistful of flowers. It’s the morning after the break-up, and Beck opens the door with tangled hair and the smell of booze on his breath. He takes the flowers from Robbie, but his attempt at a smile falls flat. Beck sighs, drops his shoulders. Then he takes hold of Robbie’s wrist, pulls him inside the RV, and shuts the door.
Robbie just stares at him. Beck’s chest is heaving, his eyes are glassy, and he looks utterly defeated. Robbie takes a step towards him, and then Beck just sort of collapses, falls forward into Robbie’s arms. After a few minutes, Robbie moves, settles on the couch where they can be comfortable. Robbie’s pretty sure Beck cries there in his arms for an hour straight.
Beck’s extra needy, then, just following the breakup. He hangs out with Robbie and Andre more and more. He has Robbie sleep over at his place pretty often, just like they did when they were in middle school. And if sometimes Robbie falls asleep with his body curled around Beck’s, well. It’s just to comfort him.
So. Robbie and Beck have grown accustomed to the crooks of each other’s necks. After knowing each other this long, Robbie’s sure Beck can tell when he’s about to cry, can see the certain quiver Robbie gets in his lip when he’s about to spill over. And he’s gotten good at knowing these things about Beck, too -- he knows the defeated look in Beck’s eyes all too well, knows when Beck grows especially silent that something’s wrong, knows that Beck only takes Robbie’s hand in his sleep if he’s having bad dreams. It’s nice, in a bittersweet sort of way. He hates that he cries so often that Beck could pick out the sound of his sobs in a crowd of crying people. He hates that Beck gets so hurt that he shuts down and recedes into himself, he hates the tone of defeat that carries into so many of Beck’s words lately. But, at least, when Beck seems unfocused, Robbie can knock his knee against Beck’s, and he can see Beck smile softly and perk up a little bit. At least, when Robbie’s crying in the bathroom again, Beck can bolster him up so that he can go to class.
Robbie can’t be quite sure what Beck’s parents think of their relationship, but he thinks they’d be accepting no matter what. He knows they’ve seen flowers he’s bought sitting on their kitchen table many times throughout middle school, knows they’ve seen him get into Beck’s car on many Monday mornings, knows they’ve heard Beck excuse himself from dinner a couple times to take a call from him. Their relationship is platonic and platonic only, Robbie knows this, but he’s also pretty sure that Beck’s parents wouldn’t mind even if it wasn’t. On occasion, Robbie will go over to Beck’s house, on some of the holidays where his house is especially hell-like, and when he and Beck cuddle a little closer when watching a movie than male friends typically do, Beck’s parents couldn’t care less.
Robbie doesn’t know how his parents would react to his relationship with Beck, but he assumes it would be a lot less positive than Beck’s parents. His parents aren’t really the type who are comfortable with affection, so he thinks the sight of him sharing a recliner with his friend might make them raise an eyebrow or scrunch up their face. He doesn’t know though, because they never hang out at Robbie’s house, at least not when his parents are around. What it comes down to, Robbie thinks, is that his parents are as not-homophobic as he is not-gay, and even he’s not sure what that means.
Robbie wouldn’t say he’s happy that Beck and Jade broke up, but, well, it’s definitely not all bad. Of course he can’t be happy about it, not when Beck’s more of a mess than ever, not when Beck’s almost always sporting glazed-over eyes underlined by dark circles. But, at least the screaming has stopped, the constant fighting has stopped. He no longer has to sit witness to Beck and Jade’s countless arguments, he no longer has to try not to cry when the fighting reminds him a little too much of his parents. And, since Beck no longer has Jade to talk to, he spends more and more time with Robbie. Sure, sometimes Beck’s upset, and the time is spent venting and crying and Robbie’s hands slowly carding through Beck’s hair as he falls asleep with his head in Robbie’s lap. But other times, things are just nice, and quiet, and comfortable. They watch movies together on Beck’s couch, revisit old video games they used to play as kids, and sometimes they just sit together -- Beck reading a book, Robbie working on a project for one of his classes -- not interacting, just being together. Other times, it’s purely joyful. They’ll get drunk at 2am and make up stupid songs to sing at the top of their lungs, or they’ll recall old memories that still make their sides hurt with laughter. So, no, Robbie’s not happy when Beck and Jade break up. But he’s not happy when they get back together, either.
After Beck and Jade get back together, Beck grows noticeably happier. The dark circles under his eyes are no longer, and his eyes are filled with light. He’s almost always got an arm wrapped around her waist now, and spends almost all of his time with her. Robbie can’t blame him -- it’s Jade, Beck’s girlfriend, and, to paraphrase Beck, she’s pretty much the love of his life -- but Robbie’s not fully thrilled. He’s glad Beck is happy, he truly is. He’s just not entirely sure why there’s a sticky sort of burning at the brim of his throat sometimes when he looks at the two of them, their bodies touching so casually. Robbie knows he’s not entitled to Beck, not to his affection or his time, no, Robbie’s not so deluded to think that Beck is his. But. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t sometimes wish Beck was. And, of course, Beck spends less time with Robbie now, and, of course, Beck’s hands are too busy holding Jade’s to rest on Robbie’s shoulders. Of course, Jade being back in Beck’s life like this was going to change things, Robbie knew this. He just wasn’t prepared for how hurt it would make him feel. He’s never really had Beck to himself, Beck’s always had girlfriends, so this Jade-free time was the longest time Beck was single since elementary school. And maybe Robbie had gotten too used to it, maybe he got too comfortable spending nights in Beck’s bed and watching movies up with his head resting upon Beck’s shoulder. Maybe their relationship had changed, almost imperceptibly, but enough that it had become something that it hurt like hell to lose.
But. Beck is Robbie’s best friend. And Beck is so, so much happier with Jade back in his life. Robbie knows he’d be a terrible friend to get in the way of Beck’s happiness. Knows that, even if it wouldn’t make him a terrible friend to do so, he’d still never do anything that he thought would make Beck less happy. Robbie will accept this new ache, will swallow at the ever-growing lump in his throat, if it means Beck smiles brightly again, if it means Beck no longer has nights where he sobs so hard he can’t breathe. And, a few days after they get back together, Robbie catches sight of Beck and Jade in the hallway. They’re holding hands, and Jade is laughing in that way that only Beck can bring out, and Beck’s looking at her with this immense love and joy written all over his face, and Robbie knows then, just absolutely knows, that he will never ever get in the way of this relationship.
Robbie waits a few days after Beck and Jade get back together before showing up at the door of Beck’s RV. Tries to wait the appropriate amount of time, tries to make sure he’ll pick a morning that doesn’t include Jade still asleep, tangled up in Beck’s sheets. This time, when Beck opens the door and sees Robbie with a bouquet of yellow roses, his smile lights up just like it used to, shiny and bright and just happy with no underlying pain attached. He pulls Robbie into a hug and thanks him, and when Beck pulls away he looks more blissful than Robbie’s seen him in months, if not longer.
So Robbie smiles back.
(And if Robbie’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, well. That’s okay. It’s an ache he’ll just have to get used to.)