Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The glass shattering against the hardwood floor was the first sign that the boyfriend curse had begun.

My Tharn was and is the best guy in the world. A real hero type. Handsome, thoughtful and honorable. Yeah, yeah. He’s my boyfriend; I’m allowed to gush. The thing is, it’s all true. Seriously. Someone should have snatched him up years ago. Instead, he can’t keep a boyfriend for more than a few months. A curse. There is no other logical explanation for why a guy like him was still single when we met.

This having a boyfriend thing is very new for me. I still struggle to say that I am in a relationship with another man. I don’t flinch anymore, that’s real progress. Only a few short weeks ago, I was yelling how all gays were evil. I was one of those homophobic jerks that make everyone’s life miserable. The classic villain: rude, offensive, petty … you get the idea. There were reasons, okay? That’s not an excuse, just the truth.

So how did a villain like me land a hero like him? It’s the curse, I’m telling you. There was no other explanation.

Tharn has been patient, amazingly so, with my many and rather substantial character flaws. He’d survived the childish attempts to drive him out of my life and the self-centered way I refused to acknowledge we were in a relationship. Still, going from hating gays to dating one was a huge change and there were parts of my brain still suffering from psychological whiplash. Actually verbalizing that I was dating a man? Not easy. But for Tharn, I was willing to make the effort.

Shut up. Just because I’m a villain does not mean I’m stupid. I can’t explain how I got him, but I was certainly doing everything I could to keep him. Which unfortunately meant telling everyone.

Ugh.

My insides go a bit squirrelly when I watched the realization of what Tharn and I are to each other dawn in people’s eyes. I hate it! They look at Tharn like he has lost his mind, and then at me with thinly veiled suspicion. I know, okay. I know. I don’t understand it either.

I had a checklist of people to tell, ordered in a way to help me build up confidence to handle the ones I expected to not go well. Telling the relative strangers at the bar was not too bad. Telling Tharn’s family had been out of the question. No way was I ready for that. Letting Techno, my best friend, see Tharn and I as more than friends had been the worst. I was lucky he had figured out the relationship crap on his own. Trying to integrate ‘No into this new world I was carving out for myself was almost more than I was up for. When P’Jeed, the bar owner, called Tharn my boyfriend where my friend could hear I almost turned around and walked out.

Hey! Stop! I’m getting better alright?

I’m not a coward. I got a lot of character flaws, but that isn’t one of them. This shit ain’t easy. Trying to get all the pieces of my life to fit together was not for wimps and I’ll fight anyone who says different.

Stupid P’Son. P’Son, Tharn’s first lover, family friend and class A jerk was the reason I was pushing myself to establish my claim on Tharn instead of hiding away for a while longer. But that’s another story. Back to the boyfriend curse.

When we finally got down the list to Tharn telling Lhong, his best friend, I did not even flinch. Victory! Definitely marking that one in the win column. To be honest, I had expected this to be a bit of a free pass emotionally. After all, Lhong had been Tharn’s friend for years. He knew Tharn liked guys and surely wasn’t dumb enough not to suspected something when we moved in together. Almost before the words were out of Tharn’s lips I had that task checked off in my head and was ready to move on.

The sound of the glass shattering against the hardwood floor had me refocusing quickly. The look of stunned shock on Lhong’s face threw me completely off my game. I even reached out to stop him from cleaning up his own mess. I know, right? Not me at all. I located my inner jerk real quick when he demanded to know why we hadn’t said anything earlier.

Look bud, YOU go from hating gays to dating one in the course of a few short weeks and see how well YOU handle it.

I thought he had a bit of an over-reaction to the news but then anyone who calls himself ‘handsome boy’ was obviously prone towards the dramatic. At the time, I was too focused on my own reactions to worry about anyone else's.

I kept my mouth shut and my hands to myself while Tharn apologized. Another mark in the win column of the black tally book for me. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking it though. Seriously, being someone’s best friend does not give you a free pass to know everything going on with them. When we were ready to tell you, we told you. End of story. Still, not my circus, not my monkeys. Lhong was Tharn’s friend, which means Tharn got to decide how to handle him.

Then things got weird. I mean the rest of it was annoying but not necessarily unusual, dropped glass aside. But Lhong was out the door so fast after that there was almost a smoke trail. WTF dude? Seriously. That made up crap about a family thing he had forgotten about was so fake he wasn’t even trying.

Whatever. Just whatever. Like I said, Tharn’s friend, his problem. I had enough of my own. As far as I was concerned, it wasn’t worth wasting any more brain power on it.

When the weirdness spread to Tharn though, that was very much my problem. Curses are like that. You’ve got to stamp them out quickly or they spread like weeds.

I could never decide if Tharn’s increased clinginess was a result of the curse or not.

My Tharn is cuddly. He liked to touch me, whether it was to play with my hair, or to hold me as we sleep. It was one of the first things to freak me out about him. My parents love me, but touchy feely they are not. It took a lot of yelling on my part and that famous Tharn patience for me to settle into all the physical contact.

Now, I’m addicted. That had been an unexpected realization that came at the worst possible time and an epic fail on my part.

Asshole. Getting me hooked on his sweet touch was not nice. How am I suppose to look out for his dumb ass if I’m a mess whenever he’s not around?

Looking back I can’t help thinking that as the days passed the touching got a little more intense, whether it was cuddling on the couch or sleeping all wrapped up together. He was almost always all over me when we slept, holding me against his firm chest as we lay in our bed. Was he clinging a bit tighter to me or was it my imagination?

Stupid curse.

The first thing to catch my attention was his damn phone. We’re modern guys, which means that we’re on our phones a lot. That’s just life. But he was suddenly all weird whenever I interrupted him doing something on that stupid thing.

My boyfriend looks at me almost as much as he touches me. And if I haven’t pissed him off recently those looks are warm and fond. Okay, so I piss him off a lot, I admit it. I had snuck up behind him to give him a good startle, but when he literally jumped out of his chair and stared at me like I was a stranger I immediately tried to figure out what I had done. I came up with nothing which was a bit of a surprise. I thought back over the last few days again to confirm. Nope, I hadn’t done anything, at least not lately.

“What’s wrong?” Because if it’s not me, it’s him, that’s the simple mathematics of a relationship.

His response set off every warming bell. “It’s nothing.” A fake smile and an obvious lie.

Everyone seems to think that because I’m a hot tempered asshole that I’m also an idiot. When they find out I have top marks in my class even when I barely go, it really throws them for a loop. Seriously, I’m no one’s fool and Tharn couldn’t lie his way out of an open door.

“What’s with the startle? Who are you texting?” Told you I wasn’t an idiot. I did not need a map to connect those dots.

His expression was that of a cornered animal trying to escape the dogs. I’m a villain okay, I get off on that shit.

“Take a look.” He hands me the phone, but do not think for one second I missed the fact he hit something before he handed it to me. “I’m talking to Lhong about an assignment.” I look, but I keep one eye on him. His eyes check the screen twice after he hands it to me, assuring himself there is nothing incriminating on display.

Oh dude. When this is over I have got to teach you better technique than this. As hiding things go, that was a truly pathetic effort. I’ll give him a pass, though. Good guys do not get the same education in lying that us villains do.

“Glad everything is fine then.” I hand the phone back with a bit of a side eye, and then let it go. I’m not his enemy and he was not mine. I’ll let him keep whatever he was hiding to himself for now. There are half a dozen conversations that come to mind that he could be trying to hide from me with no malicious intent. He’s a good man, and I trust him, probably more than I trust anyone else.

Then he scares me all the way down to my toes. “I won’t cheat on you.”

“Paranoid are you?” That or guilty conscious, but I wasn’t going there. Not yet. We need to get out of this conversation. His face was screaming that he did not want to tell me and suddenly I am feeling a much sharper interest to know. This was a fight waiting to happen and I have no desire to be on the outs with him at this precise moment. Check in with me again in a day or two.

“Let’s find something to eat.” Basic rules of Villainy 101: Classic change of subject, talk about food.

“I have to finish the assignment,” he deflects.

Nope. That’s going to fly. If you think I’m letting you out of my sight after that little slip about cheating you don’t know who you’re dealing with.

I pull out a nice little lure I was saving for a rainy day. “Bring it with you. You’re the hubby. You’ve got to pamper me.”

Hook, line and sinker. His eyes widen and I swear he stops breathing. It’s the first time I’ve called him that. Come to think of it, it’s the first time I’ve called him anything that wasn’t either his name or an insult. I press my advantage. “Well hubby? Will you come with me?”

His smile tells me all I need to know. “Whatever wifey wants to eat, hubby will get it for him.”

Shut up. If you had Tharn smiling at you like you’re the sun in his sky, you would have trouble maintaining your dignity too. It had nothing to do with him calling me his wifey. It DIDN’T! I’ve got that boy wrapped around my finger. And if he’s got me wrapped around his … well, have you seen those fingers?

I am not beaming. There is no evidence. It didn’t happen. “Very good. They say your life gets better when you pamper your wife.”

“Have I become someone who’s afraid of his wife?”

“Aren’t you?” Everyone was scared of me. That’s just good sense. Somehow, I don’t think he means it the same way everyone else does. “Come on, have lunch with me and I’ll buy you dinner later.”

Slipped that one right in there like a boss. Offering to buy him dinner wasn’t about being generous because you’ve met me, right? I don’t do ‘generous’. I did not need to offer him dinner to get him to come with me to lunch. No, I had not forgotten what got us into this conversation in the first place. Tall, dark and handsome was hiding something and I’m keeping an eye on him until I figure out what.

“Thank you wifey.”

Damn straight.

Okay, I admit it. I should have been more suspicious when Lhong suddenly wanted to play the freeloader and have me buy him lunch a couple of days later. I played dumb, like I couldn’t even be bothered to remember his name … and there he goes calling himself handsome again. Seriously, what was it with this guy? The power play he tried on me was weak at best, best friend versus boyfriend, him threatening to run to Tharn whining that I am picking on him. If he thinks he’s getting any sympathy from Tharn, he’s whacked. He obviously doesn’t know anything about me. The whole thing was just clumsy.

Which does not explain how I ended up buying the guy lunch and then sitting there for half an hour listening to him rant about all of Tharn’s exes. Somewhere along the way, I let my guard down and I’m still not sure when that happened. Basic rules of Villanry 101: Classic blunder, don’t get so caught up in your own intelligence you forgot that not everyone else out there was an idiot.

The only good thing to come out of lunch was that I figured out about the curse.

As Lhong rants about Tharn’s past relationships it becomes obvious to me that there was something happening beneath the surface. No one leaves a guy like Tharn voluntarily, let alone a whole string of them. As I’ve said before, Tharn’s a great guy. Even if he was terminally attracted to assholes, which I will have to concede was possible; surely someone before me recognized this hot, patient, good looking, kind, gorgeous … where I was I going with that? Oh yeah, I can’t be the only one to recognize that letting Tharn go was a stupid thing to do.

This was the first time I had heard the name Nong Tar, but as I was later to learn, that was by design. Lhong worked me like a pro, facts slipped in here and there until I was the one pumping him for information, suddenly feeling almost desperate to know what broke Tharn and Tar up. And there sat Lhong, smiling and eating, setting himself up like the only source of truth in the world. On one hand pushing me to ask Tharn about Tar and on the other cautioning me that the conversation won’t go well by making me promise not to ‘rat him out’.

He eats my food too.

It’s not often that someone plays me that well.

I’m thinking about Tharn’s previous lovers for the rest of the day. It was not a good day. ‘No took one look at my face, threw food at me and ran off to the practice field. That guy has serious self-preservation instincts. Okay, I admit it, I was a little grumpy. It was necessary though. Basic Rules of Villainy 101: Study the past so you don’t repeat its mistakes. Not to mention the only way to break a curse was figure out everything about it. Because there was always a who behind every curse. As awful as it was thinking about Tharn with anyone else, I rolled everything over and over in my mind. If I was going to stay with Tharn then I had to figure out why everyone else had left.

There was no way a hero type like Tharn should be single when we met. People tend to throw themselves at hero’s feet and that’s without the whole rescuing damsels in distress thing. Okay, yes, I was one of those damsels but I could have totally rescued myself if I had wanted to.

Seriously. No, I’m not kidding. Okay, just shut up about it.

That he had stood between me and those two gays that had taken me on was more than a bit confusing. That he had done so without revealing any of my secrets was even more unbelievable. Of course, him pursuing me as more than a passing fling or a casual encounter was enough to confirm that the guy was either out of his mind or under a curse.

So he’s had people flinging themselves at him in the past. But they didn’t stay. Why? It’s not like he gets any less amazing on closer inspection. He’s a considerate roommate, kind without cause, doesn’t have any socially unacceptable habits like leaving dirty boxers on the floor, or squeezing the toothpaste from the middle.

That’s annoying, okay.

The less said about Tharn’s skills in bed the better, at least while I’m at school and can’t do anything about the resulting boner. So what would drive away his previous lovers? What would break up a relationship as solid as what Tharn and Tar obviously had and yet be kept so under wraps that even Tharn’s best friend didn’t know the cause?

This shit just doesn’t make sense.

Tharn buys me an apology dinner with more food than we could eat in a week when he has nothing to apologize for. Or at least nothing he was admitting to.

Uh hu.

Did I mention I’m not stupid? It’s the curse at work. It’s got to be. Something was happening underneath the surface that I’m missing but has obviously stirred Tharn up and not in a good way.

The man seriously needs to get that guilt complex of his under control. He was cute and cuddly and honestly if the whole thing had been even fractionally less suspicious I would have just sat back and enjoyed it, heat or no heat. It really was frickin' hot but even the heat can not compete with the cuteness that is Tharn’s pout. He nuzzles his chin into my shoulder and wraps his arms about my waist. Then those brown doe eyes of his look up at me from underneath his bangs. “I’m sorry.”

Seriously, I’m not made of stone. I defy anyone to stand up to that. It takes me a full breath and a firm swallow to push my stupid heart back down where it belongs. “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re sorry for buying too much food? Next time just buy enough to eat.”

He just snuggles closer. “I’m sorry, Type.”

Okay, now I’m panicking again. Time to cut to the chase. “What’s going on with you? You keep saying sorry. Did you do something bad behind my back?”

“I didn’t,” he said, but there is no weight behind it and there goes my heart right back up in my throat. “I just feel like lately I don’t have enough time for you.”

It’s adorable and he’s cute and I want to believe him. Please let this be all it is. Please don’t let it be anything worse. “You worry too much. Stop sweating the small stuff. I understand you are busy with the band. I’m also busy with the football team. If you are saying it is your fault you don’t have time for me, you are implying it is my fault too.”

I’m comforting him. Back off. We’re boyfriends, that’s allowed. And maybe … maybe all that crap Lhong said about the bad boyfriends he’s had in the past was still floating around in my head. I really had not been particularly good to Tharn. Being patient now, well maybe it makes up for other stuff … just a bit.

“I don’t mean to imply that,” he says. “So, are you going to eat?”

Classic change of subject. The boy learns fast. I nearly flinch. Please let it be nothing worse than him feeling guilty about neglecting me. Please.

I force a smile. “Of course. You already bought it. We’ll eat a bit and put the rest in the fridge.”

He looks me straight in the eyes. “I love you, Type.”

How could anything be wrong in a world where he loves me?

“Don’t say it too often,” I caution. “It will lose it’s meaning.”

He smiles and I pull away. “I’m going to take a shower,” because I’m still hot and sweaty, even worse now he’s been hanging off me for the last twenty minutes. But he doesn’t let go of my hand. “Type, why are you so adorable.”

The man was seriously messed in the head if he thinks I’m the adorable one in the relationship. “Whatever. Let me go take my shower.”

I walk away trying to convince myself that the low level panic resting in my chest was completely unwarranted.

Having Tharn wanting me was like a bank error in your favor. Never happens. And if it does happen, you live in fear of someone figuring out their mistake and taking it all away from you. He’s too good for me. Everyone knows it except Tharn. The only thing wrong with him was that he was messed in the head enough to think that somehow he’s the lucky one in this relationship. It’s crazy and I live in fear that one day he will wake up and realize how much better he could do than me. I can’t lose him. I’ve got to figure out a way to break this stupid curse before it pulls us apart.

I’ve got a lot of issues, but I’ve never pretended to be anything but what I am. I’m a rude, crude, loud mouthed, hot head. I’m aggressive and often cross the fine line to being abusive. I was that pig headed bigot that everyone feels better about themselves over, because at least they are not THAT bad. I’m the villain complete with prejudices, quick fists and a hot temper.

Being the villain does give me one advantage. I know about curses. I understand how they can get under the skin of even the noblest of heroes. Heroes like Tharn. Whatever the issue was, whatever has caused him to feel guilty enough that he bought me an apology dinner, it’s only going to get worse. That’s how curses work.

To find myself playing the romantic interest of a man like Tharn was a fuck up of astronomical proportions. He’s a hero in every sense of the word. He stood against me and all of my childish brutality because it was the right thing to do. He rescued me from my nightmares when I had done nothing but cause him pain. Instead of revealing my childhood trauma he opened his chest and exposed his own beating heart to solve problems that I created. I mentioned me being the damsel in distress to his hero right? He should have just abandoned me to my own just reward. How does a man like that even exist? And what on earth does he see in me?

I stand inside the bathroom door with my eyes closed, as I remind myself exactly why I am here. Tharn wants me and while I will never be good enough for him, as long as he says he loves me, I will believe him. I won’t abandon him. Whatever he’s done, he’s still the hero in this story.

Then I hear it.

Tharn’s on the phone. It’s a low rumble, just the tone of his voice and the occasional word, not enough to tell what he’s talking about. I’m NOT going to press my ear against the door. That’s low, even for me. My fists and jaw clench and I force myself to move. I trust him, damn it.

I’m reaching in to turn on the shower when I realize we’re out of soap. I checked the cabinet and there was none there either. This isn’t an excuse to go back out there, I tell myself as I reach for the door. I don’t need an excuse because there was nothing going on.

Even as my hand closed over the knob Tharn’s voice rose and I could hear him clearly. “Tar, how could you say that?! Tar?! Hello?!”

I pull open the door and lean out. He’s by the window as though trying to keep his conversation private.

No. That’s not what he’s doing. There was a perfectly good explanation for this. I’m not trying to be quiet as I come up behind him. He’s messing with his phone and doesn’t hear me.

I call his name and get the deer in the headlights look again. “What were you yelling about? Are you okay?” He’s frustrated and upset. I try to will my thoughts into his brain. I’m here for you. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you solve it.

I can’t help asking “Who was on the phone.?” I should not be testing him. Really after all he’s done for me, I have no right to doubt him.

“Well…” I can see the conflict on his face. Trust me. Please trust me. “I was having a fight with Lhong.”

I feel all the emotion drain from my body. It’s a lie. Even if I had not heard it, I could tell from the way he shifts uncomfortably in front of me and then immediately changes the subject. “What about you? Why haven’t you taken a shower?”

He wanted me in the shower so I would not hear any part of the conversation. That was as plain as the lie. The only thing keeping me on my feet is pride. “We’re out of soap.” I can’t help jabbing at him in return. “I told you to keep the spares in the bathroom cabinet. Where did you put them?”

It would not have mattered though. I still would have heard you talking to your ex-boyfriend. I would still know you lied. I guess that clears up the reason for the apology dinner. “I’m sorry,” he says again and this time I know exactly what he’s apologizing for. “I’ll get it for you.”

And then I do something I have never before done in my life. I walk away from a fight. I go back to the bathroom and take my shower. I’m running on auto-pilot. I don’t even know what temperature the water was set at. The only reason I know I took a shower was finding myself wet and naked, staring at the towel in my hand as though it were a foreign object. The curse has sunk it’s claws into both of us.

What the hell do I do now?

I think about it all the next day. Two days of introspection. I’m beginning to get a reputation.

I go to my classes and two of my teachers compliment me for paying such good attention to the lectures. I did not hear a word they said. ‘No was not as easily fooled. I run every drill he gives me and he checks my temperature three times. I don’t even bat him away and my poor friend looks positively panicked. It doesn’t matter though. I needed the time to think and just let my body do what it was told. By the time I got back home I had my game plan.

The important facts:
First, Tharn was mine. That was easy.

Second, and even more relevant, he still wanted to be mine. Whatever was going on with Tar, he had said he loved me. I wouldn’t believe anything had happened. Tharn wouldn’t have fucked someone else and then come home and told me he loved me. He was too good a guy to be that hypocritical.

Third, he had not sounded happy on the phone call. Whatever they had discussed had upset Tharn. That had to be a good sign.

And then finally, I did not have a history of responding well to … well anything really. If an ex suddenly showed up, Tharn had no reason to believe I would have anything but a violent negative reaction. The numb feeling I was currently riding was not my usual response and would be worrying if I had any energy to deal with it. Whatever the reason for it I was going to play it cool.

Tharn thought I was cute. If I played that up maybe it would convince Tharn to tell me what was going on, or even better to just kick his jerk of an ex back out of his life where he belonged.

A little niggle at the back of my head was telling me the curse wouldn’t be that easily broken. I wanted to ignore it, pretend like I believed this would fix everything. I’m not that naive. The truth was I didn’t know what else to do. Until I figured out what and, more importantly, who was behind this curse I could only take the problems as they came.

I have no idea how other people play cute with their boyfriends, and even if I did I am sure trying would only make me look stupid. No, the only way I know to be cute was by being a self-centered royal pain in the ass. Luckily that’s a role I play real well.

I take a shower, because I may be a jerk but I at least want to smell good for my boyfriend. Then I stretch out on the couch, taking up the whole thing. When Tharn comes out of his own shower he smiles down at me as though he can’t understand how he got such an adorable boyfriend. I told you, the guy was crazy. He plops down in front of the couch, close to my head so our arms are touching. I let him settle in and get nice and comfortable before I pull out the big guns.

“Tharn,” I whine. Shut up. He likes it when I whine. “I’m exhausted.”

“Okay, then I’ll get you some food.”

I smile and he goes. Tar, whoever you are, you’d better be ready to lose, because I am not giving this man up without a fight.

“I’ll put it here,” he says, putting it well out of reach. It’s like he knows me or something. That's no reason to let him get cocky.

“Tharn, I’m thirsty.” He should have known better than to come back without the water. It’s his own fault he had to go back for it. The look he gave me was not impressed so I increased the cuteness factor by whining some more. “My feet hurt from running all day and I’m too lazy to get up.”

He smiles again because … nope, I got nothing. I have no idea why he finds that cute. “I’ll get you water.” I smile back at him mostly because I can’t help it. I have to admit I find him running around, waiting on me hand and foot, pretty cute.

He’s getting water when the call comes. I grab his phone just long enough to check. An unidentified number. The fact that it doesn’t say ‘Tar’ or some variation of ‘lover boy’ was another good sign that I am clinging too. This still might not be so bad. He’s back moments after I get the phone put back in it’s spot.

He doesn’t even let me get the next unreasonable request out of my mouth. “Your hands are too tired to pick up the spoon,” he accuses. “Do you want me to feed you?”

Yup, I definitely love this boy. “You read my mind.”

He doesn’t, which is fine. None of this was about the food, which he knows as well as I do. I start running my fingers through his hair. “And you,” he says turning to face me more fully, “are asking for more attention.”

It’s totally true, but it’s not like I’m going to admit it. “Dick. Why would I want your attention?”

“Then why do you want me to feed you?”

There was no answer to that question that lets me win this game so I focus on sassing him instead. “You’re so annoying. I should just smack you.” That would probably have carried more heat if I wasn’t still combing his hair. “Tharn, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“We use the same shampoo, so why is your hair so soft. Look at my hair, it’s so coarse.” Psych. No way am I asking him anything more serious. Not today. Today was about being cute and proving I’m the best boyfriend.

“You play football under the sun. I barely go outside so my hair stays softer I guess.”

I’m still playing with his hair when he turns around and loops an arm over me. I’m a bit disappointed he gave in so easily. I could have kept the hair thing going for a while. It’s kind of addicting to feel it slide through my fingers. Not that I need another reason to be addicted to my boyfriend. He rubs his head on my belly, which is too cute for words so of course I have to tell him off for it. “What’s wrong with you?” Like I haven’t been laying here asking for it.

“Did you enjoy it?”

Did he mean the snuggle, the head nuzzle or him fetching and carrying for me? I guess it doesn’t matter. I pick one and go with it.

“Are you enjoying rubbing your head on me?”

“I’m not only enjoying it, I’m on cloud nine.”

“Corny,” I accuse. Hey! I didn’t say I didn’t like it.

“I admit it.” See, even he knows he’s corny.

The expression on his face was content and happy. I realize the numb feeling was gone. Laying here under his arms, his entire attention focused on me, I’m just as content and happy as he looks. I want to freeze the world around us and live in this one moment, keep him here forever with me, smiling and teasing and perfect. I guess that’s my own version of corny, which is why nothing even remotely like that will ever come out of my mouth. The shadow of his lie feels very far away in this moment, almost like it doesn’t matter. I don’t want it to matter. I push it away and commit to this with him. “I’m happy too.”

He lays his head on my chest and I play with his face and his hair and convince myself that everything was fine.

I wake up. We’re in bed and one of his arms was held captive under my head, but the other one was no longer around me. I’m cold in my chest, like a deadened limb. I look behind me. He has rolled unto his back. It’s not like he has never done that before, but this time I feel abandoned. It’s unreasonable, and so far removed from what I was feeling just a few hours earlier on the couch.

I catch sight of his stupid phone laying on his chest and that just makes everything worse. Was he texting after I fell asleep? Was he laying right here beside me in the bed while he talked with his ex?

Guilt makes everything worse. It wasn’t even that long ago. We had been in a relationship. Maybe we hadn’t committed to being exclusive but I knew that what I was doing would hurt him. I had laid in my bed, feet away from my lover and texted my girlfriend. The whole thing had blown up in my face, of course. It ended with me crawling in bed with him and begging for forgiveness. I can’t regret that, no matter my pride. If I hadn’t I would have lost him and that was unacceptable as much now as it was then.

I pick up his phone. Please don’t be texting your ex.

I know his passcode because he trusts me. The home screen comes up, a picture of the two of us. If he was texting his ex he cleared his screen before locking his phone and the last thing he saw was our faces. It’s enough to prevent me from digging, but not enough to prevent me from copying the number that called earlier into my own phone. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do with it, but I’ve got it. Best to be prepared. If Tar was the cause of this curse I’m going to need to track him down at some point.

I settle back down on the bed. His hand was right in front of my face. I want to kiss it, to kiss him. I want to wake him up and get him to make all the numb feelings go away again.

When I wrap my fingers around his thumb it feels like I am taking something that does not belong to me.

It’s a long time before I fall asleep again.

I’m developing a Pavlovian response to the sound of his phone vibrating. Every time it rings I want to pick it up and hurl it out the window. That can’t be healthy.

“I have to take Song’s call.”

I want to believe him. Surely he can’t be lying all of the time. The numbness in my chest has expanded, pushing out against my ribs and into my stomach. I couldn’t have forced even a bite of dinner and had to tell Tharn I ate before I got home. He’s got both of us lying. Was it unfair to blame that on him?

I hate this. I hate second guessing my emotions. I hate that I can’t trust him no matter how much I want to. I just want this whole thing to be done.

He goes out to the balcony to take the call, hiding from me again. My arms are wrapped around my chest, a pillow clutched close. It’s a defensive posture but I can’t force my arms to unlock. He looks back at me through the glass and sees me watching but he doesn’t smile and he doesn’t wave.

I feel like a stranger in my own house.

Somewhere between the balcony and the couch he finds his smile but it feels forced. Everything feels forced. “Type, I’m going to P’Jeed’s bar.”

He thinks I’m stupid. I play along. “But you're not playing today.” I'm giving him enough rope to hang both of us on.

“Well, my junior asked me to join him.” It’s a play for sympathy. Song was his junior and to go rescue him from his own stupidity was absolutely Tharn’s duty as his friend. I don’t believe it for a second. I don’t even know if I want to believe it any more. “If you’re not hungry yet we could eat around 10?”

He’s still trying to feed me. I want to find that cute. I want to be touched by his thoughtfulness. All I can think was he was leaving me for his other lover. “Are you crazy? I’ll be starving by then.” Another lie. I’m pretty sure I’ll be less hungry then than I am now.

He kisses my cheek and suddenly the numb feelings are cracking. Hot flames are licking up around the seams from somewhere deep. “Who said you could kiss me?” My fist flies and I have to yank back the urge to throw a decent punch. If I start that I won’t stop. I let him catch my palm and pull it down.

He thinks I’m playing. I guess there are some advantages to always being a jerk.

“Please wait for me,” he asks and then kisses me again on the mouth. It’s a good thing he still has my fist in his hand. I doubt I would have been as successful pulling the second punch. “I hope you don’t mind the kiss this time.”

I don’t even crack a smile. He’s teasing and I’m not and the difference between where we are feels like a gulf growing between. “I’d better go. Be good and don’t eat dinner without me.”

In this at least we agree. If he is going to leave me, he’d better just do it. He kisses my cheek again, but I can tell his mind was out the door. He’s already gone and his body just needs to catch up.

“Do you think I’ll be waiting idly like an idiot? Dream on,” I tell the empty apartment. It’s time to confront this head on. No more running from this fight.

Running was never a good look on me anyway.

The numb feeling was still there like an ice cap on a volcano. I walk slowly, feeling the tectonic heat building in my belly, pushing against the ice in my chest. I really hope Tharn was with Song. Otherwise this was going to get ugly.

There was no reason to hurry. Each step was careful and precise. I could have a black cape fluttering out behind me and it would not add anything to the drama of my approach. It’s sad that I don’t even care.

I gave Tharn plenty of time to get there and settled. Whatever was going on, it should be well underway by now. There was the errant idea that perhaps Tharn wasn't even here at all. I’m not sure what to do with that so I keep walking.

I push through the door. The sounds of the bar covers my entrance but the look on my face quickly clears the space around me. The time it takes for me to spot them was measured by the sound of my heart pounding in my ears.

There was an intimate little table between them, easy for even the shortest arms to reach across. Tar was tiny, much smaller than me. His expression reminds me of a timid forest creature. His pouty mouth was open, his brow creased. Anyone would want to touch that little face, to shelter that tiny body from an all harm.

Tharn’s thumb ring flashes as it rests against one soft looking cheek. Tharn was not immune to the pull of my tiny rival. He was talking to him, leaning towards him with his whole body. And Tar was reaching back. His hands held onto Tharn as he scooted forward to the edge of his chair. It looked like he would tumble forward into Tharn’s lap with the least encouragement. From this angle, slightly behind Tharn, it looked like they were close enough to kiss.

I feel my heart crumble in my chest, taking everything with it. How can I compete with that? The little one was perfect. Small enough to carry around, open and eager for affection. Beautiful and innocent and everything I am not. How does the villain compete with the leading lady, who draws the eyes and engages the heart effortlessly? His very vulnerability was a weapon I could never stand against.

Tharn’s wiping the little one’s eyes, a tender brush on delicate skin. Tears. Not a strategy I have ever been able to use effectively. I don’t cry often, but it was obviously working for Tar. Just another failure, another way I am closed off from the one I love.

The smell of sweet perfume alerts me to her presence. I welcome the company. In this moment of heartbreak I find that I don't want to be alone. “Who is he, P’Jeed?” I ask. I don’t really need the confirmation, but it’s always good to be sure.

“Type, I think you should calm down. It may not be what it looks like.”

I appreciate her optimism, but I am afraid I have run out of excuses. Whatever curse separated Tharn from his little lover, it did not keep him away permanently.

“That’s Tharn’s ex-bandmates brother,” she continues when I don’t answer. It makes it sound almost innocent. She hasn’t lied to me, which I appreciate. That IS Tharn’s ex-bandmates brother. It’s also Tharn’s ex-boyfriend, a fact she has to be aware of, given how they had played in her bar when the relationship was going on. “Maybe he’s asking for advice or something. There’s nothing to worry about.” She sounds almost desperate to smooth this over. But there are some jagged places that will never be smooth.

“I’m leaving.” This wasn’t the plan, but I can’t face him, not here, not with that tiny little creature sitting in front of him. “Don’t tell him I was here. I’ll talk to him when he gets back to the room.”

“Take it easy, okay,” she says and then leaves me.

Of all the things this night was going to be, easy was not one of them.

I stand there for another moment, my heart dead in my chest, no longer tracking the time. Then I pull out my phone. I have identified my enemy. Now it was time to plan my attack. “Hello Lhong. Tell me everything you know about Tharn’s latest ex-boyfriend.”

I am alone in the dark when he returns, the monster in his cave, the active volcano, ready to blow it’s top. He flips on the lights, but it was not enough to banish the darkness in my soul. The anger has come back, it’s powerful energy finally driving out the numb that has kept me silent for so long.

This was going to be ugly. I am going to be ugly. I don’t know any other way to be.

“You finally came back.” I hiss out as soon as he was in range. I want him bleeding before me. I want to see in him the open wounds I feel in my own soul. Behold the villain in all my horrible, wonderful glory.

“Are you okay? Why were you sitting in the dark?”

“Where have you been?” I am on my feet, pushing forward, challenging and aggressive. He stands his ground, the stupid hero that he was. He should be running for cover. I will have his blood in my teeth before we are done.

“I went to P’Jeed’s bar.”

“Who did you meet?” It’s a trap and this time there was no guilt.

He falls right into it. “Song.”

The edges of a vicious smile turn up the corners of my mouth. “I’m going to let you answer that again,” I mock him. “Who did you meet?”

He knows he’s caught. He swallows hard, feeling my jaws closing around him. “I met Tar.” He raises his chin, not in defiance, but in submission. He was asking for pity, for grace and for forgiveness. If he wanted such soft things he should have stayed with his other lover. “He is my ex-bandmates brother.”

Yeah, no. I have his shirt in my fist and my face was up in his. “And why don’t you tell me all about how that kid is also your ex-boyfriend.”

His eyes widen and he leans back. It is too late to run and there was nowhere for him to go. I push him away.

“Shocked I know? You really must think I’m a moron. You really think I didn’t know you were lying? You really think I couldn’t tell you were acting suspiciously?”

I lean forward into his space. There was fear in his eyes as he leaned back. Good. He should fear me. “How was it? Did he taste as sweet as when you were together? Was it as good for you, having been denied him for a year?”

“Type!” he protests. The blood flows. I have a taste for it now. There was no stopping me.

“What,” I snap back. “You have something to say? You’re going to tell me I’m wrong. That the little one was crying and it was completely platonic. Or are you going to try and tell me that Casanova Tharn couldn’t get it up?”

It was a low blow, and not necessarily an intelligent one. Reminding him that I was once the one stepping out on him was not smart, but I wasn’t feeling smart. I was angry, no not angry, furious. He was out having his little moment with his ex-lover secure in the knowledge that I had already admitted to not being able to get it up for anyone but him. He had all the power here, because I had nowhere to go.

It’s a misstep and he’s taking full advantage. The fear is gone replaced by an emotion I am too angry to name. He comes off of his back foot and moves forward, grabbing my wrists because he knows better than to think I will let him hold my hands. “It’s not what you think. There is nothing going on.”

Right. Because I was born yesterday. The deep well of my anger surged again. I might not have anywhere to go, but I am far from defenseless and he will feel the full power of my rage.

I snatch my arms out of reach. “Do you expect me to believe someone who has been lying to my face?” I spit back.

There was nothing he could say. By calling out his lies I have taken any protests or promises he might have made and invalidated them all. It’s not enough. I am still out for blood. “Cat got your tongue? Got a clever argument for that? Answer me!” I don’t know when I started hitting him, pushing into his chest with my fingers hard and fast. It’s got to be painful and annoying and yet he just stands there and takes it, head lowered, eyes downcast.

“I’m sorry.” He says, soft and real. Then he’s taking my wrists, trying to reach me through the fires of hell. “I didn’t sleep with him.”

I pull out of his grasp again. He does not realize there was no one here to save. This battle between us was to the death. My heart has already ceased to beat. That just leaves his that must be silenced. “Oh, I believe you. You couldn’t have slept with him. You don’t cum that quickly.” It was vulgar and dirty. Blood gushes from wounds both deep and painful. His or mine, I don't know but I can taste it. The sweet pain was pouring into my mouth, feeding my hunger.

“Does he still affect you?” I hiss. I don’t need an answer. The truth was right there on his face. That baby faced boy still gets under his skin, still pulls on his heart and his dick. The soft skin and sweet smell still tempts his fingers to touch and caress and own. The hero isn’t the only one bleeding and my own blood was as sweet and sharp as wine on my tongue.

I want to hear him say it, not sure who it will hurt more and not really caring. “Answer me! Does he affect you? Just deny it and I’ll believe everything you say.” It’s the worst lie either of us has told. I know the truth and so does he. Tharn still wants Tar. The curse drove them apart and some part of Tharn never recovered. If he denied it now, it would shatter both of us. “Answer me!” I demand again, wanting that final lie, wanting to feel that final pain that will slice through muscle and bone and end me.

He doesn’t do it. He reaches out again, slow and careful. A single hand is curled around my bicep. He does not give me the lie I am demanding. Instead he gives me a truth that was so much more painful. “I love you with all my heart, Type.”

I am stunned in the face of his bravery. How can he now, in the face of this raving monster, the fires of hell burning in my eyes, say that to me? Somewhere in my chest, the heart I thought gone, thumps anew.

I am who I am and cannot match my lover for goodness or courage. I regroup. “Do you expect me to believe someone who cannot answer a simple question?” Even if he saved us both by doing so. I push that thought away. I am still angry and am not ready to be anything else yet.

He was finally fed up with my lack of response, with my failure to soften. “But I didn’t do anything,” he protests. “I swear. I’ll never see Tar again.”

That name alone was enough to kick my anger back into gear. It’s not what it once was, but it was enough to burn. “I don’t want to hear that kid’s name in this room,” I demand but I am faltering.

“Type,” he closes his eyes in frustration, moving forward, trying to hold me, to wrap me up safe and warm in his arms. I fear what will happen to me if he succeeds.

“Let go of me.” I push him off. I can’t keep this up. My anger has cooled too much to take him on any more tonight. I walk away.

“Where are you going?” His frustration turned quickly to panic.

“None of your goddamn business,” I yell back.

I make it to Techno’s house on pure inertia. His mom lets me in and offers me the couch without a word. I can’t even muster up a simple smile to thank her. Everyone else was in bed and she left me to my pain. The chair in the living room was comfortable. I leave the light on. For some reason I no longer want to be in the dark.

It doesn’t help.

I can’t close my eyes. Every time I do I see them, Tharn and Tar, sitting so close across that tiny table. Here, alone with my own demons, I feel more like the monster I know I am than I did while screaming at Tharn.

The whispering in my brain starts, the insidious voice of the vicious monster I created. I am not good enough, it whispers. I will never be good enough to be loved.

Looking at Tar and Tharn together only emphasized everything I am not. I’m not small, or demure. I’m not cuddly or cute. Hugging me was like grabbing onto a cactus. I’m hard and prickly and prone to violence.

I work to be strong. The role I have chosen was to be the monster, to be what people hate and fear. I chose this. I never want to be that helpless little child, alone in the dark, ever again.

And here I sit, the monster … alone in the dark. A deep pain, hidden beneath years of anger pushes up into my chest. I am alone. Not because I am weak and helpless, but because I am too big, too strong, too unyielding.

The painful desire to feel Tharn close has me hunching forward, bowing beneath the weight of my loss.

I bite my lips to prevent his name from escaping. I refuse to yield to this. I am strong and powerful and I don’t need anyone!

I can’t breath.

My hands are clenched together in front of me, my eyes squeezed shut against the empty room.

I can’t breath!

Then, like an angel sent to rescue the damned from hell I see him behind my eyes. His beloved voice whispers in my ear “I love you with all my heart, Type.”

I gasp a deep breath as though clearing the surface of the water after being under for far too long.

I’m not aware of it when my face crumples but I can feel the tears when they start.

I am still fighting. I want to deny it. I don’t cry. Not me, not ever.

The image of the last time I had cried, held tight in Tharn’s arms, has a sob shaking through me. I can smell his scent in my nose, feel his crisp school shirt under my fingers. His warm tears are on my shoulder as he cries with me. For just a moment it was like he has moved through time and space to hold me again.

No! He’s not here. He has Tar. Why would he want me? How could he possibly want me?

But I can’t breath and I can’t think and I can feel the hot warmth spill from my eyes. Tharn! I cry out in my head and in my heart and air fills my lungs again. I want his arms around me. I want him to pull me close and never let go. In my chest my heart thumps away, slow and painful, but still beating.

This was not alright. How did I get here? How did things get to the point that without him my body no longer functions? I have worked so hard not to need anyone. How did he slip past all my defenses?

I need to be stronger than this, I need to be stone and fire and unstoppable. I won’t bow to this. I am not the tiny weak Tar that needs someone to hold his hand. I am Type, strong, fiery and independent. Tharn has not broken me. If no one will stand with me then I will stand alone. If no one was on my side, then I would walk alone. I do not need anyone to validate me, or help me or love me.

It was like tearing my heart out to push the image of him holding me away. I fight the tears back down, pushing everything into that molten core that fuels my strength.

I opened my eyes. The world was quiet. I am in a glass prison of my own design, but at least here there was nothing to fear but the monster I created. I wipe away the evidence of my indiscretion. No one would know that I broke. No one would know that for just a moment I wanted strong arms around me, comforting me, protecting me from the lonely echoes of the silence that devours me. I am not worthy of that touch. No one will know how badly I want it.

I settle onto the couch and rest my head on the pillow. My eyes do not close again.

‘No finds me hours later settled back into the same chair where I fell apart. I will not be ashamed and I won’t let this beat me. He had gotten up for a drink, but brought me water instead. I tell him only that I needed a bed for the night. I’m not surprised when he comes to the conclusion Tharn and I are fighting. I am surprised when he doesn’t immediately jump to Tharn’s defense.

It doesn’t bother me that everyone assumes any problems we have are my fault. Most of the time they are right.

“I don’t want to get involved with a lover’s quarrel but I have something to tell you,” he says. It’s not a very promising start. “The other day I skipped practice and I saw Tharn at a department store.” The sinking feeling in my gut was becoming a familiar sensation. “I don’t know if it’s related, but did you leave Tharn because of that high school boy with the pale skin?”

“What did you say?”

‘No is already cringing away from me. “I had to do some shopping that day and I saw Tharn with that kid.”

It’s enough to get me angry again. Tar with his stupid pale skin and his tiny hands and his perfect face. Was it really too much to hope that the time at the bar had been their first secret meeting?

Tharn was going to choose Tar over me. How could he not? Tar left Tharn, not the other way around. And it was obvious my soon to be ex-boyfriend was going to jump at the chance to get him back.

As painful as that thought was, it was also a reminder… that Tar left. Why had Tar left? And not just Tar. All of them had left. The boyfriend curse. But what was the boyfriend curse? What was it that caused all of Tharn’s boyfriends to leave?

“I thought he was a junior from Tharn’s school,” ‘No continues. “But on a closer look he was wearing the same school uniform as Technic.”

My head comes up and I have the beginning of a plan. It’s not a good plan and it certainly isn’t a smart one, but it’s something. “Techno.”

“What’s the plan?” I almost smile. This was my best friend and he knows me well. I am not completely alone in the dark.

“For me, there is no other option. An eye for an eye.” It’s time to show this Tar exactly who he was dealing with. I pull out my phone

“What are you doing?”

The phone rings and I am already salivating. “Hello?” A voice I’ve never heard, and never wished to hear answers.

“Hello, my name is Type. I’m Tharn’s boyfriend. I have something … son of a bitch! That coward hung up on me!”

That the guy hung up isn’t really a surprise but it does point out the flaw in that plan. This isn’t about scaring the kid, or tormenting him. No, I leave that kind of guerrilla warfare to lesser villains. It’s time to confront this head on. I need to know what’s going on. Something’s up. The chances are good Tharn will leave me no matter what I do, so at this point I have nothing to lose.

I’m dangerous when I have nothing to lose.

And if I’m going to confront him I’ve got to do it in a way he can’t get away because that boy was going to catch on my right hook and writhe like the worm he was. He’ll tell me why he came back, why he left, everything.

He may be a cute little bit of fluff, but he’ll get no sympathy from me.

“Don’t tell me you called...!?”

Why was that a surprise? I have no fear. I have no shame. I am the monster hiding under the bed, ready to swallow my enemies whole. The only question was how to get to him. “Yes, Tharn’s ex-boyfriend. He’s acting like I’m a bad guy who’s trying to kill him. 'No?”

“What?”

“Did you just say he goes to school with Technic?”

He goes to High School with ‘No’s younger brother.

Techno was only two beats behind me. “Don’t tell me you're going to …?”

“Yes. I’m going to find him.” Face to face, eye to eye. He’s going to feel me breathing down his neck before I tear his throat out.

“Shit.” I have to admit that’s probably a proper response to the situation. “Type, isn’t there any other way?”

“No.” That kid showed back up in Tharns life and suddenly my life was a wreck. It’s only fair I return the favor. “I’m going to deal with him.”

‘No does not waste useless energy trying to talk me out of it. That’s why he’s my best friend.