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Bucky sat on the couch and tried to ignore the highly superior look that his 18 month old daughter was able to convey. Anna looked like her mom, that was sure – her hair had slowly darkened from the moment she was born and was now a deep copper. In fact, she was pretty much identical to her mother – the only thing that held even the slightest trace of him was her dark blue eyes, and even then she still managed to look like Natasha through her glares.
Shit, but he missed Nat. Their one night stand kicked them in the fucking balls nine months later, when it was obvious that ‘Baby Clint’ wasn’t exactly… um… Clints.
He’d taken it okay, knew about the ‘on a break’ drunken fuck between his two best friends – once he’d gotten over the shock. Once Bucky had gotten over the shock. He had a kid. He wasn’t supposed to have a kid. He sure as hell wasn’t supposed to be the only one left to look after a kid.
Black ice on the road. They told him, standing in his apartment while Anna screamed the place down for her mother. 3 weeks old, Clint was driving Nat to a check-up – something about dissolving stitches from a tear? – And there had been black ice and now… Now it was just Bucky and Anna.
He hadn’t been prepared. Not by half. Not at all. He’d spent the last 17 months flying from the seat of his pants just trying to get shit organised. Clint’s place had been already set up for Anna, with her nursery and baby-proofing everywhere – so he’d sold his apartment and lived in the much larger apartment that Clint had owned. They’d left Bucky everything, which had been a fucking terrible surprise. Natasha had left everything to Clint if something happened to her, and he left everything to her – however, some forgotten, drunken conversation had left a clause in there that if something happened to them both – Bucky got the lot.
Nat had planned on going to the lawyers and changing everything to Anna’s name, but… but… she didn’t get to do a lot of stuff she wanted, in the end.
Black ice.
Of all the shit they’d done, the army, the stupid fucking risks, the danger in their lives – something as mundane as an ice road took his best friends from him.
Tash had died on impact, a railing had… He shook his head, trying to get rid of the image. Clint though, Clint made it to the hospital – had talked to Bucky before surgery, spaced out on the drugs but still Clint. Alive.
Complications. Internal bleeding. Massive trauma.
Buck left holding the baby in the waiting room as she screamed the fucking place down because Bucky had already used the last of the expressed milk Tash had left him while he babysat. He had no clue what to feed her after that.
Social work had arrived, wanted to take her away – Clint’s name was on the birth certificate, but he’d argued – he’d hit the fucking roof, demanding DNA tests and point blank refusing to give her up. The over-worked, over-stressed social worker had agreed that Anna could stay in his custody only because he’d been the one that Clint and Tash had left to babysit.
The DNA results, obviously, just sealed the deal.
Anna was currently sitting in her walker, little fat legs kicking at the wooden floors under her feet as she moved in inches backwards and forwards. Normally she could make that fucking thing go at mach 3, which was why he had a ring of bruises around his calf, all at the same height – ranging from dark purple to fading yellow.
She was currently using all of her concentration to glare at him. His apartment had finally been sold – for a little more than he’d expected. He’d also sold Natasha’s old place, that she’d been keeping because she was paranoid. He’d put the money from her place into a savings fund for Anna – high interest – which would easily cover her through college and probably beyond if she was careful. His place…
Jesus, when did shoe-boxes in New York get so fucking expensive? His parents had bought it back in the day, their first home, and being the freaking baby boomers that they were, they’d kept it as a ‘rental property’ when they’d bought their family home. His sister lived there now, with her kids – and Bucky had been happy with the whole Bachelor pad.
Things changed. Now he was sitting in Clint’s – his – apartment, looking at his bank statement.
“What the fu-” He shot Anna a glance, yup, still looking unimpressed. “Fudge.” He finished, lamely. He had a car, a nice car, with a baby safe rating and a car seat. He had a job – Clint’s job, Jesus Christ, he’d become a cheap ass imitation of the man –a nice apartment and a kid and he didn’t really need anything that wasn’t more than covered by the money coming in. He was loaded. Not bad for a high school drop out with a couple of tours that read like a check-list of ‘world’s most deadly places’ to his name.
Fuck, he missed his friends.
“How’s the world’s most adorbs baby doing?” Tony asked, as he set up the DVD player for the movie. Tony had been more of a friend to Tash than to either Clint or Bucky, but with her gone… Bucky didn’t mind his visits. Normally he brought Bruce, who had only met Clint and Tash once or twice at Tony’s party, so he was a welcome relief to the bouts of heart-breaking nostalgia that Tony and Bucky could sometimes get themselves into. Tonight, they’d brought a DVD with a talking raccoon or some shit like that, and Bruce had brought Thor – a hulking guy with long blond hair and a Swedish accent. They’d met through work, Bruce said. Bucky didn’t care, the more the merrier – some weeks Tony was the only adult he spoke to, and he knew he was scraping the barrel when he thought of Tony as an adult.
“Adorbs?” He said, rolling his eyes.
“All the kids are saying it.” Tony shot back. “Where is she, anyway? Doesn’t she normally hang with us for a bit?”
Tony wasn’t Anna’s godfather – because Bucky was (technically… kinda. It got confusing when they’d worked out that she wasn’t Clint’s kid) but since he was officially her father, he’d taken on this roll. Mostly this meant spoiling her rotten and occasionally taking her places with Pepper. Pepper was a requirement on those trips, because leaving Tony in charge of a baby was a bad idea.
“She went down just before you arrived.” Bucky said, looking at the clock. It wasn’t ideal – he’d have liked her to be awake, Tony got her wired up like no one else, but afterword she’d be out like a light for at least 6 hours. Now he’d be lucky if she made it to the end of the movie.
“You have a most beautiful daughter.” Thor said, looking at the pictures of Anna that were scattered around the room. Bucky kept the best ones on the fireplace – right beside the pictures of Tash and Clint.
Bucky nodded, as Tony chimed in. “She’s the best. You should totally see this death glare she’s got going on. I swear to god, it’s like looking at Natasha sometimes.”
Bruce, obviously sensing that this was going to turn into a ‘remember the time when…’conversation that normally had at least one of them pretending not to cry, quickly picked up the DVD case. “This is okay for her, I think. A little grown up, but still Disney.”
“Yeah, it she wakes up half way through she’ll love it.”
Bucky was right – the last half an hour of the movie was interrupted by the monitor crackling to life and a snuffly “Buck-ee” before a wail burst out of the speaker. Tony knew the drill, he was on his feet and heading towards the nursery before Anna could even get a breath for her second scream, and Bucky trudged to the kitchen.
By the time her bottle was ready, Tony had her on the floor, fighting (and loosing) to keep Anna’s attention from Thor. She adored new people, and Thor, with his long blond hair and sunny smile had caught her attention firmly. “Ah, look at her little fists!” He said, as she gripped his hand tightly. “She is truly mighty.”
“Yeah.” Tony said, obviously fighting the temptation to yank her back. Anna giggled, her legs, still chubby and babylike, were getting stronger every day as she padded around the apartment. Bucky sometimes popped her in the walker just so he could get stuff done, but she was perfectly okay on her feet. Her first steps had happened too soon for Bucky, a sign that Anna was growing up – her first words hit him like a train.
“Toe-nee!” She suddenly squealed, throwing herself into Tony’s arms and giggling like a maniac. “Buck-ee, look! Toenee!” She didn’t call him papa, or daddy. She saved those words for the framed pictures he showed her every day. She might have had some of his DNA, but Clint was gonna be her dad. Clint was the one who kitted out his home, Clint was the one who made it quite clear that as far as he was concerned – Anna was his kid. So, Bucky he was. When she was older, he’d let her make up her own mind about who she wanted to call Dad.
“Oh, my little darling cherub.” Tony said, wrapping her up in his arms. He was good with her, Bucky knew. Also knew that he sometimes got a little panicky around the gills if he was left along with her for too long. Never thought he’d be good enough if something went wrong. Story of Tony Starks life, never thinking he was good enough – while acting like he walked on water. “You learn any new words for me this week?”
“Cat.” Anna said, promptly. This wasn’t a new word, and she knew it, shooting Thor a look through her lashes, pretending to be shy. Bucky had been using flashcards – teach your toddler how to read, something like that – and cat was one of the words she always recognised.
“Cat is an old word.” Tony said, because he always remembered.
“Elbow.”
“Ooooh, what’s that?” he said, and kissed her on the cheek when she pointed to his elbow.
“You need to get laid.” Tony told him, once Anna was back to sleep and Bruce and Thor had left. Tony always hung back, mostly because he was a good bro under all the bluster, and he liked to make sure Bucky wasn’t slipping back into… unhealthy behaviours. When Clint and Natasha had died, he’d gone off the reservation, the only thing that pulled him through was currently sleeping soundly in her crib. “You’re starting to look a little… pent up.”
“Firstly, don’t ever tell me I look ‘pent-up’ you freak of nature.” He shot back, “I’m gonna tell Pepper you’re hitting on me again.”
Tony just laughed. “It was one time, and you had the eyeliner and… hell, I’m only human.” He winked, before sobering up again. “Anyway, she agrees. You need to get back on the saddle. Having a kid doesn’t mean you gotta be celibate.” He handed Bucky a scrap of paper. There was a phone number on it. “It’s a phone line thing.”
“I’m not-”
“Think of it as a tactical situation. You get back in the habit of talking to people, then you dip your toe into a mixer. You know? Pepper and I are having a party next month. She’s hiring a babysitter, so you have to come. Meet people. Adults.”
Later that night, Pepper was sitting at her desk in the study Tony had kitted out for her. “Tony, have you seen the number for that artist I was telling you about? The one I want to commission for the staffroom mural? ”
“No.” Tony responded, not even bothering to look. “I told Bucky about the party.”
“Oh good.” She said, before rummaging through her desk drawers. “Seriously, I just put it down here this morning…”
Bucky looked at the scrap of paper. It wasn’t a premium number – but Tony knew his stuff. The guy was a total hound-dog before Pepper put her foot down. Currently she was refusing to ‘let him put a ring on it’ – the woman kept his balls in her purse and Tony was more than happy with that arrangement. When he got drunk he did one of two things – he either got batshit crazy and ended up trashing hotel rooms and living up to his playboy image, or he sat on the couch and told Bucky how much he ‘fucking adore her, Buck, like – she’s the one, like – the actual one’ and then he’d pass out. So Bucky knew if Tony said that the number was a good one, it was a good one.
He dialled. His debit card on the bedside table, and an almost full bottle of lube on the bed beside him. Mostly he had to jack off in the shower because it was quicker, he was pretty sure nothing killed a boner like the wail of a baby.
The number rang for a few moments, before someone picked up.
“Steve Rogers.” The voice said, deep and nice as hell. Bucky had been expecting some computerised ‘push one’ options, not to go right through to a real person. “Hi,” He said, suddenly really pleased that Tony had suggested he use a number first. He was pretty sure he used to have game. “I’m Bucky,” He said, after a pause.
“Hey Bucky,” The warm voice said, “How can I help you?”
“Oh, um, okay?” Bucky stammered, lost for a moment. “I thought you’d want like, my credit card info first?”
There was a pause and then… “Normally people want to see what I can do before they pay me.”
“Shit, really?” Bucky said, impressed. “I gotta admit I’ve never actually done this over the phone.”
The guy laughed, and Bucky liked the sound of that, like he was surprised into the sound. He guessed guys in that line of work didn’t laugh much. “It’s a first for me too.” He said, and Bucky felt something tight coil in his stomach.
“Yeah?” He said, taken aback a little at the sound of his own voice.
“Normally it’s a face to face thing.” The guy said, sounding… amused. Shit, did Tony give him the number for a hooker? Bucky wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back into the saddle with a hooker, especially not with Anna in the house.
“I’ll just stick with the phone.” He said, after a pause, “If that’s okay?”
“Sure, so… what are you looking for?”
“Well, um, I guess normal,” Bucky said, “Vanilla stuff?”
“Vanilla?”
“Yeah,” Bucky said, popping the cap on the bottle and tipping a little lube onto his fingers. Just enough to ease the way. “Like… maybe you tell me what you’re doing?” He was just about to reach into his sweats when the baby monitor cracked to life. “Shit.” He hissed, pulling his hand away and grabbing the towel that he’d put to one side for after. “Shit dude, I’m sorry, uh, shit, my baby’s just woken up.”
“I can tell.” A highly amused voice said on the other side of the line. No doubt, the monitor was wailing as Anna found her lungs.
“How much do I owe you?” He said, scrambling off the bed and throwing the lube as far into the back of the bedside drawer as possible. Jesus, she might be just over a year old, but Bucky wasn’t gonna leave shit like that around for her to see.
“We didn’t agree to anything.” The guy said, and Bucky could hear his amusement on the other end of the line. “You’ll need to give me more to work with.”
“Maybe next time.” Bucky said. “Uh, bye?”
“See ya.”
“Steve Rogers.”
“Um, hey, it’s Bucky? From last night?”
“Ah, Mr Vanilla.” Steve said, and his voice was pretty much sex on a stick. “How’s your daughter?”
“Oh, she’s good. Sleeping.” He said, as he looked through his drawer for where he’d thrown the bottle the night before. He’d been on edge all day, the idea of jacking off with a guy who sounded like Steve on the other end of the line was pretty hot, and once he’d gotten the idea into his head, he just couldn’t let it go.
“How old is she?”
“18 months on Friday.” Bucky said, absently. He couldn’t find the damn bottle. “So, do you wanna start?”
“Well, the only thing I know about you is that you like vanilla and you have an 18 month old daughter.” Steve said, sounding highly amused. “I don’t know what you’re in to, or what you’ll like. You’ve not given me much to go on.”
“I’ll like anything as long as it involves getting off.” Bucky said, before his fingers found the hand plastic of the bottle. “Ah ha!” He crowed, leaning back on the balls of his feet. “Found it.”
“Found what?” Steve asked, sounding slightly strangled.
“The lube.” Bucky shrugged. “I’m not gonna jack myself dry, man, I’m not 15 anymore.”
“Oh, um…” Steve said, as Bucky crawled up onto the bed. A quick glance at the monitor showed that the ‘volume’ on the other side was well in the green, so Anna was still sleeping soundly. “How old are you?”
“34,” Bucky said, leaning back. “You?”
“Just turned 30 last month.” Steve told him, and Bucky thought he sounded a little… strained. Maybe he was already getting off? Bucky didn’t know if that was normal. Wasn’t it his job to get Bucky off?
“July baby huh?” He grinned, “You got your hand on your dick?” He said, popping the lid off the cap.
“No.” Came the strangled reply, and damn, Bucky couldn’t help the feral grin on his lips.
“I want you to.” He practically growled down the line. His own dick was half hard just thinking about what Steve looked like, tall, probably, a deep voice like that – probably pretty stacked. He let his imagination fill in the gaps, broad shoulders, smooth, golden skin, muscular – Bucky imagined the shoulder to waist ratio of a Dorito, narrow hips, pert ass.
There was a loud knocking from the other side of the line. “Shit!” Steve said, sounding… confused. And maybe a little horny?
“You okay?”
“It’s my door.” Steve said, “I gotta go.”
Six times. Six damn times Bucky tried to get off on the phone to Steve. Each time something happened. Anna woke up, or Steve’s fire alarm went off (just a drill) or anything that stopped them getting past the initial “Hey it’s Bucky, again,” stages.
Steve didn’t seem to quite get with the programme, but as he wasn’t actually charging Bucky yet, Bucky didn’t think he could complain. Especially since the last time he’d called up Steve, Anna had woken up and Steve had offered to just stay on the line. They’d talked while Bucky rocked Anna back to sleep. It was actually pretty nice to talk to someone, they discussed baseball – something none of his other friends were interested in, but Steve had been happy to discuss stats for a good hour as Anna got rocked to sleep. The fact that Bucky hadn’t even noticed that she was asleep for a good half an hour was pretty telling.
“Hi Bucky, come on in.” Pepper said, just as warm and welcoming as she always was. He would never admit it, but he thought Pepper and Tony were actually a pretty great couple. Admitting it would only make Tony crow even louder and Bucky couldn’t deal with that.
Tony was stupidly rich, as well as stupidly smart, and his ‘bachelor pad turned happy home’ was a pretty good place for a party. Back in the days before Pep, Tony would host a party every Friday and Saturday – now that was limited to special events or dinner parties.
Tonight was a ‘mixer’ Pepper was hosting for some of her clients and friends. Bucky was there because Pepper saw him as a bit of a fixer-upper, a pretty well off single father who spent his time with Tony watching movies, where the only girl Tony could chase around was under the age of two.
“Here,” He said, holding out the stupidly expensive bottle of wine Tony had told him was her favourite. Tony gave him a list of things that Pepper liked – his goal in life was to ensure that Pepper got the things she liked. “I hope it’s okay?”
Her eyes lit up at the bottle and she smiled. “Oh, thank you James!” She enthused. She was the only person who called him James now Tash was gone. “If you don’t mind I’m actually going to put this away, it’s my favourite – I’m not going to waste it on this lot.” Her smile and wink made him grin at her. “Couple of people you might know tonight, Bruce is here, and you remember Jane? She’s here, and a few others. I think Thor might be a little in love, he’s been following her around all night.” She gave him a rather pointed look. “Try not to spend all night in the darkest corner, Bucky.”
“Yes, Ms Potts.” He said, dutifully, as she rolled her eyes at him and walked away, her insanely high hells clipping sharply on the floors.
The Party was... pretty typical for Stark. The man in question was in the middle of the room, working it like the showman he was, in the middle of some crazy story, in a red and gold suit that should have looked completely ridiculous and ended up suiting him amazingly well. He waved at Bucky as he walked in, and then went back to his story.
Bucky had three ‘smart’ outfits, and a red and gold suit wasn’t one of them. He was wearing black tuxedo pants and a black shirt, a silver tie that Pepper had bought him, and cufflinks that Tash had bought from a market stall in Bangladesh.
He stood awkwardly to one side of the room before Pepper suddenly appeared at his side, slipping her arm around his and tugging him sharply. “I did discuss the lurking.” She told him, as she pulled him closer to the main section of the room.
“You did.” He agreed. “I don’t recall ever saying I’d stop.”
“Oh, you are hilarious.” She said, stopping beside a small blond man. “Steven? I want to introduce you to James, he’s one of Tony’s friends, but don’t hold that against him.”
Steven was a small man, with blond hair in a neat side part that Bucky imagined that his mom would have tried to force him to wear on Sundays. It was seriously old fashioned, but it suit the look of him – his earnest expression, the squareness of his jaw. He wasn’t the type of guy Bucky normally found attractive, but damn, he was going to have to re-think his tastes. “Steven is an excellent artist,” Pepper said, as they sized each other up. “He’s currently showing his art at the Shield Gallery downtown.” She smiled at the smaller man, who blushed all the way to the tops of his ears. “I’m trying to convince him to work on a large mural at the Tower.”
“I don’t think I’m quite the right person for that,” Steven said, and his voice was familiar...
Oh God.
Oh no.
“Steve?”
“Bucky?”
“Oh, you know each other, wonderful.” Pepper said. “James, don’t let Steve slip out after half an hour, Steven, could you please try to stop this,” She nodded at Bucky, “From standing in dark corners and brooding? I have to go and stop Tony from reliving his ‘glory days’”
“Hi.” Bucky said, feeling extremely awkward.
“Hi!” Steve said, his voice not matching his body at all. He sounded like the kind of guy who could bench press a rhino. He looked like a good breeze would knock him on his ass. Bucky was at least a head taller than him. Cute though. Super cute. “This is great, actually!”
“It is?” Bucky said, feeling a little out of his depth.
“Well, it’s just we’ve not managed to get very far on the phone and we could totally do it here. I’m sure Pepper wouldn’t mind.” Steve said, and Bucky liked the way his blue eyes sparked when he talked.
“Here?” Bucky managed, and his voice was about 6 octaves higher than it should have been. Shock. This guy was seriously suggesting that Pepper wouldn’t mind if they... what? Fucked at her party? She would totally mind. Bucky wasn’t gonna... He wasn’t.
No matter how cute the guy was.
He was really cute though.
But still.
“Yeah! I mean, all I’ve got to go on so far is vanilla and it’s not really a colour pallet that you can do much with, you know? I mean, if the canvas is white...” His voice trailed off a little as Bucky stared at him. “Where were you planning on hanging it?”
“You’re not a phone sex operator are you?” Bucky said, realising that Tony was a fucking asshole.
“What?” Steve said, too loudly: People looked over at his indignant squawk. He blushed, and lowered his voice. “What the hell?”
“Look, I’m so fucking sorry.” Bucky said, holding his hands up. “Tony gave me the number, told me it was a phone sex thing, you know, to get me back into the swing of talking to people. Get back on the horse, that kind of thing.” He glared over at the red suit. “I had no idea you were... not... that.”
Suddenly, Steve started to laugh. Shit, he had a warm, open laugh that made Bucky smile before remembering that he wasn’t really in a position to smile.
“You know, Pepper told me that she tried to call me back a few days after we’d met. She got a premium line number. We had a laugh about it.” He gave Bucky an amused look. “I think maybe Tony gave you the wrong number, so you can stop throwing him death glares across the room.”
“You must have thought I was a total perv.” Bucky mumbled, feeling like the biggest loser in the world. Jesus, he’d just told a total stranger that his buddy thought he needed help getting laid.
Steve just grinned. “Honestly? I thought you had tourette’s.”
“Buck-ee.” Anna sang, from her chair at the table, “Buck-ee can I have ice-creams?”
“No,” Bucky said, pointing to her bowl, soggy lumps of cereal in the bottom. “You know house rules about breakfast.”
“Uncle Tony lets me have all the ice cream I want.” She pointed out. It wasn’t a lie. Bucky just shrugged.
“His house, his rules.”
She pouted for a few moments before changing tactic. “Stee-vee,” She wheedled. “Daddy’s being un-justed to me.”
Bucky tried not to move, tried not to breathe, just kept his whole attention on the newspaper he was reading. Steve, who probably hadn’t noticed anything because he was drawing Anna (again, the apartment was full of half drawn pictures of one of them) and listening to her daily complaints about how ice-cream could be added to cereal to make it a breakfast food.
She’d called him Daddy.
“Banana, ice cream is not a breakfast food.” Steve said smoothly, as Bucky tried not to have a heart attack. “It’s not unjust.”
“Tis too. Tony said.”
“Do you want me to call up Pepper and ask her?” Steve questioned, putting down his pencil. How quickly Anna changed tactics would have been comical if Bucky wasn’t dying at the table. It was the first time she’d ever called him daddy and he wasn’t expecting the fucking heart attack he was having. He wasn’t... he...
“No! Don’t call Pepper!” She said, holding out her spoon like a weapon. “Tony said it’s a secret of Pepper!”
“Did he really?” Steve said, sounding amused. In either house, Pepper was the ultimate authority. Anna knew Tony was putty in her hands, Bucky only managing to stay strong half the time. Steve could normally be relied upon to tow the line about sugars and bedtimes, but Pepper was a rock. Whatever she said was law.
“Are you okay, Buckee?” She said, throwing him a look that was Tash all over, from her twisty eyebrows to her little pout. So much like her mom that sometimes Bucky forgot that they were gone.
“Nothing, Banana.” He said. “Just... you never called me daddy before.”
Anna cocked her head to one side. She’d picked that up from Steve, who was now engrossed in his drawing. Obviously listening intently, but at least trying to be subtle.
“But you are.” She shrugged, with the self assurance of a four year old. “Pepper said we’ve got eyes that match, but I’ve got my mommy’s hair.” She paused. “Uncle Bruce said that’s jean-etics.” She looked so proud of this that even Steve, still staring at his drawing, smiled.
“Is that the case?”
“Yes!” She said, ice cream for breakfast completely forgotten. She enjoyed nothing more than educating the men in her life. “You get jeans from a mommy and a daddy and they mix up and make a whole new different person.” She paused, and looked at Bucky excitedly. “It’s ah-mah-zing.” She paused. “Can I not call you daddy?”
“Of course.” Bucky agreed, instantly. “Since we’ve got eyes that match.”
“And Stee-vee can be Pappa?”
Thank god he wasn’t the only person having a heart attack at the table that morning.
“Sure.” Bucky said, with a wave of his hand. “If he’s okay with that.”
Steve looked like he might actually cry when he nodded.
In the back of the sock drawer was a little box, and in the box a simple gold band. Bucky sat at the breakfast table and grinned. He’d been waiting for a sign, some mystical ‘this is the right time’ moment, and he was pretty sure that he’d just witnessed it. “I’ll be back in a sec,” He said as he got to his feet, and smiled at the two most important people in his life. “Don’t move.”