Chapter Text
Saturday, October 23rd
5:56pm
Prongs if this actually works i suppose I’ll have to apologize to Evans for calling her a brain dead hag
Dunno what a prongs is but you’ve got the wrong number mate
Wrong number?
Yeah. You’re texting the wrong person
Shite.
I knew Evans deserved to be called a hag. So you’re not James?
Can’t say that i am
But how do i text him?
You could try getting his number right
Okay
Ok
But let’s say I’m absolutely hopeless with technological, could you walk me through the steps for that?
…
The steps for texting the correct number?
Er
Yes
I’d start by asking the person who you’re trying to text for their number
And then entering it into your phone correctly instead of bungling it all up
Oi!
I didn’t bungle it up, Evans did
And Evans is?
Prongs’ girlfriend
So Prongs is a person
Yep my best mate
And you can’t just ask him what his number is?
I suppose I could, but I wouldn’t know how to text him
Evans is the one who knows how to do all this, it shouldn’t even be possible here
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this is your first phone?
Yep
So what are you, 12?
What?? No
I’m 17, nearly 18
And this is your first phone? Your parents must be bloody strict
Hah
you don’t know the half of it
Interesting
Well this isn’t really any of my business so I’m gonna let you get back to trying to text your mate
Try not to bother any other innocent souls on the internet today
Wait you’re not going to help me?? It’s important that I figure this out
Unfortunately for you, it’s really not my problem that you’re 17 and still don’t know how to text
It’s not my fault :(
So you’ve discovered emoticons but you can’t figure out a simple text
Just make that Evans bird help you
If I ask for help after calling her a hag she’s gonna he
hate me
Sounds like something you should’ve thought of before you called her a hag
:(
8:09pm
Welp, I figured it out, no help from you
It only took you an hour and a half
It’s not my fault! James was ignoring me because I called his stupid girlfriend names
so James and Prongs are the same person?
You know what, I don’t even know why I ask, I don’t really care
Yes Prongs is James
And if you don’t care, why are you responding??
Hullo?
...
Ok, real mature
I am perfectly mature for my age
Unlike some people who have just figured out texting
Not. My. Fault.
How old even are you??
Wouldn’t you like to know
You know my age
You’re the one who volunteered their age to a random man on the internet
So you’re a man!
Well spotted
I’m a guy too
I hope you aren’t like 60
Why does it matter?
Well I don’t really fancy texting a 60 year old man at 8 at night
But if I’m young it’s fine?
Well yeah, if you’re my age you’re less likely to solicit me for sex
Wow.
I could still try to solicit you for sex even if I was your age
Well are you?
that’s for me to know you to find out
text mannnnnnnn :(
Is that your name for me? “Text man”
What else am I supposed to call you
Quite literally all I know about you is your gender and that you look down on those who don’t have texting experience
Well you don’t really need to know much about me, we are strangers
Strangers who are now forever bonded because you’re my first text!
That is a ridiculous premise to base a bond on
I’ve made friends over less
Oh we’re friends now are we
Yes, text man, we are
Christ.
If you don’t want to share about yourself, I can go first
I’m a 17 year old boy from England but I’m at a kind of boarding school in Scotland.
That’s pretty safe basic info, don’t you think?
Hullo?
Sunday, Octorber 24th
1:28am
Fine.
I’m 17 (so no I’m not trying to solicit you for sex) and I live in Wales.
11:13am
What a great thing to wake up to
Now all I need is a name to call you that isn’t text man
Quite literally anything would be better than text man
What about Whale?
…
Why do you want to call me Whale
Well you live in Wales
That is not
Good lord
Okay you can just call me Moony
Moony?
Yep, it’s been my nickname since I was a kid. Idk who even started it at this point
Wait what’s “idk”
Oh right
It’s slang for I don’t know
Ah
I was gonna make a joke about “if you don’t know what it means, why use it” but I thought better of it
Good because I may have blocked you for that
:(
Anyway, do I get any backstory on the name Moony?
It’s just a play off my real name
Which I guess I don’t get to know
What’s the point of the nickname if you get to know my real one?
Anyway, what should I call you
Now I don’t know much about this internet stuff, but I assume I shouldn’t just give out my name?
Correct
You could just give me a nickname
Hm that’s just as well, you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you my name
You can call me Padfoot
So you’re Padfoot and your mate is Prongs
Is there a P-name theme or is that purely coincidence?
Hah that’s just coincidence
And do I get any backstory on your nickname?
Well I’m Padfoot because I’m fourth year my mates and i pulled a glorious prank on the girls in our house and they played one back using, well, pads
Huh
My mates let me walk around for a full day with a pad stuck to my foot
It was not on.
Okay but you can’t say you wouldn’t do the same to them if they were in your shoes
Was that
Was that supposed to be a pun??
I can be punny
Mer
Mercy, is this what it’s like to talk to me
Now you know the pain
hm it’s not so terrible
Sure
Ok and how did Prongs get his nickname
Ooh that’s a fun story
Ok so
Before Evans and Prongs got together he was obsessed with her. And I mean obsessed . For years he was constantly asking her out and making these grand gestures and taking the piss so she’d pay attention to him
Well one day he was messing with her during lunch when she was obviously already in a bad mood
And she just fucking
Stabbed him in the hand with a fork
Like way harder than the situation warranted
So he got sent to infirmary and she was in pieces and felt bad (which is what led to them reconciling and eventually getting together)
But long story short, he has 4 scars on his hand from the prongs of that fork
And thus he became Prongs
Wow
Ok 1. How are they together?? She assaulted him and he annoyed her for years
and 2. Infirmary? I know you said you went to a boarding school so I knew you had to be a bit posh but… you call the nurse’s office the infirmary?
Well 1. They are a sickening couple. They bicker constantly when they aren’t snogging each other half to death, but even I have to admit it was a long time coming
And 2. I guess you could say James and I were raised pretty posh but the school definitely isn’t. If anything it’s made me less posh
Ok but just because the school is less posh than you are doesn’t mean it’s not posh
I might just call you posh boy instead of Padfoot
Okie doke then I’ll just call you whale man
“Okie doke”
And that is still a terrible name
You are absolutely no fun
Aren’t I just ;)
Yeah well I
… you?
Padfoot you what?
1:27pm
Sorry, James stole my phone and forced me to exercise >:(
Wow the emoticons are getting better and better
I’m going to pretend I know what emoticons are
Anyway, I am sweating in places I do not want to be sweating and I hate James very much
Mm
Did you consider this might be revenge for the whole hag situation
I already apologized to Lily for that, I think James just likes to see me suffer
I assume Lily is Evans?
Hah that’s a funny way to word it
Lily is her first name, Evans is her last
Is she going to appreciate you giving her full name to some bloke you texted on accident
…
she’ll never have to know
It is now my mission in life to find Lily Evans and tell her you gave out her full name on the internet
You’re just plain evil, she’ll have my balls as a trophy
Would James really let her get her hands on your balls?
Hah, here’s one thing to know about Lily Evans: no one “lets” her do anything. She does as she pleases and if you have a problem with it you can shove it where the sun don’t shine
Damn she’s sounds like a real witch
Hah
You could say that
But no, she’s actually incredibly nice and has like and impeccable moral compass
But she is her own woman and will not take your shit
Ok that makes her seem considerably more likable
She’s definitely likable
She’s slated to be Head Girl next year
Ugh, the Head Girls at my school were all bossy know it all’s with sticks up their arses
Oh no, she’s definitely that as well
But she’s relaxed a bit the past couple years, and has relaxed a whole lot more now that she’s dating James, Hogwarts’ resident troublemaker
Second only to me, of course
…
Padfoot
Yes?
Are you telling me
That your boarding school is named Hogwarts ??
Absolutely it is
That is the single worst thing I’ve ever heard
:)
I’m sorry but I simply cannot be messaging a boy who goes to a school named Hogwarts
:(
Sorry posh boy, try going to a less ridiculous school next time
Ok well what’s the name of your school??
I’m sure it’s so normal and non-warty, eh?
Well it was St. Augustine’s but er
I’m actually being homeschooled right now
Homeschooled? Like u learn at home?
Er yes
Do you really not know what that is?
Let’s just say I was sheltered as a kid
Very. Very sheltered
Okay. Well, I went to St. Augustine’s until last year, but I had to stop so now I’m being homeschooled for sixth and seventh year
Oh, why’d you have to stop
Reasons
That’s enlightening
Yep
Okayyyyy new topic
Sorry, it’s just kinda personal
I understand
You don’t have to explain yourself to me
Ok thanks
I think I may go take a nap
Ok
I’m sorry if I upset you
You haven’t
I actually take naps quite often you’ll find
Alright
Goodnight I guess Moony
Goodnight I guess Padfoot