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Zhongli hated tentacles. At least, that's what he thought.
And then he met THE tentacle. The tentacle of his dreams. The tentacle that suddenly made all of his prejudice and discrimination seem meaningless.
It had been an ordinary day at the funeral parlour, until Childe had visited, suspicious smirk on his face, bringing with him a certain gift: a box, wrapped in red cloth. "It's a Schneznayan delicacy," he had explained with a barely concealed laugh, placing the box gently in Zhongli's hands. Accepting it with his signature gentle smile, Zhongli thanked Childe graciously, his eyes casting downwards when the redhead insisted he couldn't stay.
Now, Zhongli stared down the contents of the gift - a single tentacle, curled up in the little wooden box laid on the table in front of him. He shuddered on instinct. No matter how much he... cared, for Childe, he would absolutely refuse to eat it. No way. He would rather have his eyes scooped out with starconches, and then get vored by a ruin guard, than eat that slimy, gooey monstrosity. Discreetly disposing of it was his best course of action (or better yet, burning it in the fires of hell), but just as slender fingers reached forwards to pick up the box (and hopefully cast it into the ocean) he saw the tentacle twitch, and slapped the box violently off the table.
"Ay yo dude OW that shit hurted-"
The silence after the sudden new voice spoke was deafening. Zhongli cautiously approached the box.
"Hello...?"
"Bruh I think I broke something."
Steeling his resolve, Zhongli flipped the box over, revealing a squirming tentacle. He reeled backwards.
"Fam don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking. 'This tentacle do be speaking, that's mad tings innit.' Let me tell you right now that you're the one who's mad. Mad stupid. Why'd you go and knock me off the table for? Ain't you got manners, bruv? Ain't got no mum to teach you table manners? Were you raised by ants?"
Zhongli gaped.
"Shut your piehole. You look like a fish, man."
He had met his match, and it was in the form of a slimy blue tentacle in a wooden box. He attempted a sentence, trying to maintain... "eye contact", whatever eye contact was.
"Pardon me, that was awfully rude of me."
"Now we're talking bruv. Now, help me off the floor or I'll curbstomp you."
He did so, placing the box gently back on the table. The tentacle then attempted a wriggle to get comfortable, Zhongli purposefully looking away and suddenly very interested in inspecting the very nice wallpaper.
"Ugh, I'm going to need a fucking CHIROPRACTOR after this."
"My apologies."
"Do you have ANY idea what it's like in there? Dark, stuffy box - and don't get me STARTED on the smell, bruh. I ain't seen the sun in days."
"The sun is quite radiant today, and the sky is cloudless."
What was he doing. Why was he participating in idle chatter with seafood.
"I know what you're thinking fam. You think that this is weird. Well let me tell you it's kinda weird for me too so maybe pull that stick out of your arsehole and think about others for a change, yeah?"
Zhongli responded with silence.
"Oh, I see, the silent treatment. At least look at me while you shun me in disgust, dude."
Obeying, his eyes shifted to the eerie blue tentacle in the box, stifling the gag in his throat.
"That's more LIKE it. Now, lemme tell you a little SOMETHING. Who brought me here? Childe, yeah?"
Zhongli nodded in response. How did this tentacle know so much? No, that wasn't the most pressing question. Why was it sentient and speaking?
"You realise you were supposed to put me up your ARSEHOLE. As uptight as it is, fuckwad."
"...Excuse me?" What?
"It's a Schneznayan ting innit. Don't ask me I think it's weird too but my mum told me not to kinkshame people."
He frowned; surely Childe wouldn't have made such a forward and vulgar gesture on purpose, he was much too kind. There was a mischevious side to him, however, that could not be overlooked. "I shall have to admit that I do not know much about Schneznayan customs," he reluctantly settled on.
The tentacle pulsed in indignation. "Well, are you gonna stick me up your bum or not?"
"I'm GONNA throw you in the ocean."
"WHAT," it protested, "AFTER ALL THAT TIME AND EFFORT-"
"I am not participating in vulgar activities with you." His amber eyes cut like steel.
"Then maybe... we could take it slow?"
Zhongli raised an eyebrow at this.
"-Give me a chance to explain! You know... walks on the beach... maybe a nice dinner... we could send each other streaks on snap... Exchanging gifts by the fireplace... You know, you're kind of fit, too."
Despite his best efforts, he couldn't help but blush. What was happening to him? He, Rex Lapis, losing his cool - it was unheard of...
-
He accepted.
They spent the rest of the evening wandering the Harbour, and Zhongli found himself genuinely enjoying the tentacle's company, to his pleasant surprise. Zhongli forgot his wallet to pay for his own meal, but the tentacle kindly paid for him, earning a soft smile and a blush. He learned of the tentacle's (few) life experiences, and he indulged in countless stories of his own, the tentacle listening in wonder. Never before had Zhongli felt so... alive. Connected. Maybe this was what Barbatos meant when he spoke of freedom, of having the courage to fly.
Zhongli found himself at the docks, wooden box gently placed in his right hand, watching the moon shimmer on the water's surface like silver ribbons in a maiden's dance. After a long silence, he spoke first:
"I've had a most pleasant evening."
"Me too, bruv, me too. I didn't know you were ACTUALLY gonna be cool beans. Maybe the stick up your arse is made of candy or something."
"Thank you for your kind words..."
"No problemo, amigo." The tentacle cleared its throat (?). "Ahem, I have an important question..."
"Hm?" Zhongli turned his gaze to the tentacle, eyes almost glowing in the pale light of the lanterns.
"Will you... Will you be my peng ting?"
Zhongli placed his free hand over his heart. "I... yes. I think that would be enjoyable."
"LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
"Sike."
Zhongli yeeted the box into the sea, dusting his hands off.
"Childe is the only hoe for me, bitchfuck. 😎"
- fin -