Work Text:
-
If Vernon thinks about it hard enough, he could still remember how they were when they were 15:
Lanky, awkward, tired and homesick. Seungkwan looked at him like Vernon was his favorite.
"Hansollie," he had said, adoration laced his voice. "I love you."
Vernon thought that maybe Seungkwan was his favorite, too. Because he let Seungkwan call him Hansol. Because only Seungkwan called him Hansollie.
Because he had squished his face against Seungkwan's, unashamed at his clinginess, and said "I love you, too."
-
Vernon doesn't have to think about it that hard to remember a particular scene that happened when he was 16, in the practice room:
"So, Seungcheol and I were wondering," Joshua approached him, gentle and nice, speaking in English. "If you and Seungkwan are together."
Vernon let out a laugh - not humorous, but flustered and confused. Joshua looked serious, and amidst the chaos in the green room, it felt kind of deafening.
"No," Vernon managed to croak out, nape warm. He felt like he was going to ramble any moment now, so he kept it short. "I don't, ah. Swing that way."
Recognition flashed in Joshua's eyes, and now both of them were mutually embarrassed, eager to leave this conversation. From afar, Vernon caught Seungkwan's eyes.
What's up? was the unspoken question, and Vernon teared his gaze away. He tried not to think about all of it harder, the concept daunting and overwhelming for him right now.
"Yeah, no, that's fine," Joshua blurted out, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Just wanted to clear it up, you know?"
"I get it, Josh," Vernon laughed, kind of strained, but it's - he told himself it's okay, like this. "It's good."
Later on, after they were all sweaty and exhausted, Seungkwan sat next to him. Like habit, Vernon intertwined their hands. Seungkwan let him.
Vernon buried his head in the crook of Seungkwan's neck. Seungkwan let him.
"I'm sweaty, Hansollie," Seungkwan laughed, and his skin felt warm against Vernon's cheeks, like this. "It's gross."
He stayed like that, anyway. Seungkwan let him.
-
Vernon, 22, doesn't think he even wants to think, right now.
He exits his room, hair disheveled and eyes bleary. It's noon. Having a rare day off allows him to take his time as he walks down the hallway, passing other members' rooms, then reaching the first floor living room.
He can see Seokmin lounging on the sofa, scrolling on his phone, his playlist blaring out, 'My Favorite Clothes' being the one playing.
"Good taste, hyung," Vernon says, still half-asleep. "RINI."
Seokmin looks at him just in time as he sits on the sofa with a groan. Post-comeback downtime is relieving, but brutal.
"It's a really nice song," Seokmin grins, a little too sunny for early noon. He sings along as he goes back to scrolling on his phone, the motion reminding Vernon that his own exists.
He goes through his KKT; various group chats with different amounts of notifications welcome him. Some of them he snickers at, some he merely leaves on read. At 22, he knows that he doesn't always have to speak. It's a valuable lesson that he learned from -- well.
Seungkwan's contact on his KKT is buried, no new messages waiting to be read. It feels hollow, in a way. It used to always be at the top of his contacts, from the moment he woke up to when he sleeps.
There's nothing waiting for him in it, but he presses on "SVT Seungkwan" anyway, the last exchange of curt messages from a day ago hitting him in the face, as if taunting him.
Okay, Seungkwan's last message reads; a reply to Vernon's own okay. It was a conversation about take-outs, and Vernon was outside when the rest of the group was deciding what to get.
He tries not to think about the way his throat constricted when he saw Seungkwan's KKT message. He doesn't want to think.
Lately, he finds that being the norm.
He mindlessly starts typing Good Afternoon, only to erase it. He goes through a lot of iterations, typing then erasing:
Afternoon--
Hi Kwan--
You aw--
How was sle--
Hi
He ends up just exiting KKT without sending a message, closing his phone and covering his eyes with his arms as he sinks lower in the sofa. Seokmin just -- well, Vernon is beginning to think Seokmin is getting used to this, because this time Seokmin doesn't even glance at him.
Everyday I wonder if you ever miss my love, the bridge ends, and Vernon finds that he can't really escape the action of thinking about Boo Seungkwan.
-
Seungkwan can pinpoint the very moment his world shifted.
It was probably at 14, meeting Vernon, the feeling of wanting to take care of him and protect him from everything overwhelmed Seungkwan.
They were the same age, but habits were formed easily, and when he was 14, 15, 16, Vernon didn't mind the affection poured on him, and Seungkwan willingly gave him more.
You're my favorite, Vernon would often say, unaware of what that sentence made Seungkwan feel.
Nowadays, those memories are almost unattainable, kind of painful to even think about. Much like everything else concerning Vernon, Seungkwan wants to lock it up, but knows deep inside that he never would.
"Seungkwan."
Mingyu pulls at him gently. The staff moves around them as they pack up the shoot for Going Seventeen, and Mingyu fixes Seungkwan's coat.
He isn't looking, but Seungkwan hears Vernon laugh out loud from afar, like selective hearing. He tries to hide the grimace, but it must've shown, because Mingyu shakes his coat hard, making Seungkwan wobble.
"Come on," Mingyu murmurs, trying to hide his worry with a small smile. "Keep it together, Seungkwan."
"Sorry," Seungkwan replies reflexively, because it's all he has right now. It's all he has, lately. "Sorry, just. What a night, yeah?"
Mingyu studies him a bit, and starts pulling him down the road, so Seungkwan follows him, beige coat hardly enough to shield him from the cold winter.
"Sorry," Mingyu says it this time and he ignores the small surprised laugh Seungkwan accidentally lets out. "I couldn't stick next to you the whole episode. Not sure how he managed to end up sitting next to you, honestly."
Seungkwan laughs again, but this time it feels a bit lighter, because at times like this, he feels so thankful for people like Mingyu.
"You don't have to apologize for that."
"It's awkward," Mingyu laughs too, because Seungkwan looks even better now. "He looked really pissed when I told him today was fun because of him."
Seungkwan looks at Mingyu with a glint in his eye, impersonating the man they were talking about by saying, "Really?"
"Stop it," Mingyu pushes at him, and they make a U-turn, intent to travel back, only to freeze when they see a familiar face.
Seungkwan feels his world turn, again, sniffing. Stiff and awkward, his heart beating fast, his ears red.
Fuck you, he thinks, looking at the black-haired man, two layers of jacket, comfortable and familiar and everything Seungkwan loves in one person. Fuck you, Chwe Hansol.
"Hey," Mingyu hesitantly greets; the tension still kills him, and without the other members, it's hard to manage the first few minutes. "Hey, Vernonie."
Vernon just nods, mouth in a flat line, somewhere in between nervous and -- something else. Mingyu never knew how to read Vernon. That was Seungkwan's job.
Was.
"They asked me to call you back," Vernon finally explains, hands in his jacket pocket. His eyes follow Mingyu's hand when the taller man pulls at Seungkwan's arm, already bringing Seungkwan with him to walk past Vernon.
In his defense, Mingyu doesn't even have to look at Seungkwan to see how in love and heartbroken he looks. He doesn't really want another night of Seungkwan crying in his and Wonwoo's room, but it seems to be something that's going to happen later.
"Let's go, then!"
Seungkwan just lets out a surprised noise, instinctively looking back to see if Vernon is following them.
Vernon meets his eyes, offering a smile, and Seungkwan manages to offer a small, admittedly sad one back, before turning to look ahead.
As always, Seungkwan finds that the streetlights are very bright when one's vision is blurred.
-
"You don't like drinking."
It's not a question. Jeonghan sets down the bottles of beer on Mingyu's floor, Mingyu busying himself with fixing the chicken and fries they ordered.
"I don't," Seungkwan confirms, anyway, because he needs to say something so he wouldn't sob. "Not really. It's gross."
"Before you ask," Jeonghan says, sitting down on the floor next to Seungkwan, "I promise I'm not going to make Seungkwannie drink everything this time."
Seungkwan plays music, because he doesn't really like the silence whenever they drink. ‘If You’ plays first, and he curses before shooting Mingyu a dirty look.
"Don't look at me like that," Mingyu defensively says, giving Jeonghan and Seungkwan their plates. "It's a good song."
"I know," Seungkwan sulks, before opening a bottle. "It just sucks to listen to it right now."
They try not to make too much noise, but Jeonghan really intended to make one of them cry, so Seungkwan tries not to be the night's chosen one.
"Where's Wonwoo?"
His alcohol-addled mind asks, and it meets Mingyu's equally alcohol-addled mind, because Mingyu looks like a wounded puppy when he faces Seungkwan.
"Jun-hyung's room."
Ah, the quiet response from Seungkwan and Jeonghan comes out, just as tears spill from Mingyu's eyes.
"I don't want to be here anymore," Mingyu says ruefully, and the other two scoots over him; Mingyu easily accepts their cuddles and comforting hugs, even when his tears fall on their faces. "It's hard pretending that it's fine."
"You have to be strong, Gyu-hyung!" Seungkwan exclaims, and he must be drunk, because he's crying alongside Mingyu. "Look at me, I told him and I'm not doing so hot, either."
Seungkwan laughs at himself humorlessly, sinking further into Jeonghan and Mingyu's group hug, sobbing.
"I'm so pathetic."
"Don't say that," Jeonghan coos, patting both of their heads. "You're both in love. It's not pathetic."
"It is," Seungkwan says, sighing. Mingyu nods in agreement, and Jeonghan just hugs them tighter. "It is, when they don't love you back."
-
They tuck in Mingyu in his bed, and try their best to put all the bottles on one side, out of anyone's way. The plates are stacked next to the bottles; Though drunk, they try to clean up as much as they could, hoping Mingyu would have an easier time when he wakes up.
They try to be as quiet as possible when they open the door, holding onto each other and stumbling out of the room, only to see Minghao's room open at the same time.
Seungkwan's world tilts -- the way it always does. His breath hitches when he sees Vernon stumble out of Minghao's room, looking just as out of it as Seungkwan.
Behind him, Minghao looks surprised, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.
Footsteps approach them as everyone stares at each other, and they turn to see Wonwoo walking towards them, groggy.
This feels like a stand-off, Jeonghan thinks. Jeonghan is also drunk, and the thought is apparently said out loud.
"Why would it feel like a stand-off?" Wonwoo asks, squinting. His glasses are on and his hair is disheveled.
"Nothing," Seungkwan answers really fast, turning away from Wonwoo, which is a mistake because it lands his eyes straight into Vernon, who is staring at him intently.
He feels frozen; the alcohol is still in his system, and he swallows down a lot of his emotions: The urge to cry, the urge to scream, the I love you he can't ever say again. The only thing that remains is the need to run away.
"We need to go, hyung," Seungkwan declares, tearing his eyes away from Vernon's suddenly panicked ones; Jeonghan looks at him like he'd let Seungkwan pull him around, so Seungkwan does.
Vernon, to his credit, tries.
"Seungkwan--"
"Goodnight, Wonwoo-hyung, Myungho-hyung," Seungkwan says, gulping at the tension, eyes flitting all over the place: to Wonwoo, to Minghao. He feels braver tonight. He looks at Vernon.
He hasn't looked directly at Vernon in what feels like a long time. He tries to take this moment in; Vernon's set jaw, focused eyes, the dim light from Minghao's room casting a slight glow on him.
He feels his heart break, just a little bit harder.
"Vernon."
He gives a quick bow, and Jeonghan manages a little Night, guys, before Seungkwan briskly pulls them out, heartbeat on steroids as he walks across the room, the floor, the dorm, and into the elevator.
As the metal doors close and the 8th Floor button is pressed, he lets go of Jeonghan and cries into his hands, sobbing, shaking from adrenaline and pure loss.
Jeonghan's arm envelopes him, rubbing his back and fixing his hair.
"You did well, Kwannie," Jeonghan coos, and the elevator dings. "You did so well."
-
"Sometimes, you don't really think," Minghao tells him all the time, and Vernon is inclined to agree.
I love you, Seungkwan would say shamelessly, even as they grow older. From 14 to 21, Seungkwan fixes his hair and pats his face, cuddling him, holding hands with him.
Vernon takes all of it, because it's Seungkwan. He'll say I love you, too and hum as Seungkwan's hold tightens, because it's Seungkwan.
When Seungkwan called him in the Vlive and said I like you, Vernon laughed and said I like you, too, because it's Seungkwan, and he really, really likes Seungkwan.
As a friend.
"Did you really mean it?" Seungkwan asked that night after ending the Vlive, leaning back on Vernon's door after he shuffled in quietly. "Earlier?"
"Of course," Vernon answered, because it's the truth. He stood from his bed and walked until he's right in front of Seungkwan.
His best friend was agitated. The lights were off, but Vernon's night light shone on both of them, just enough for Vernon to see the uncharacteristic glassiness of Seungkwan's eyes.
"I love you, Hansol," Seungkwan quietly says, and something about it made Vernon pause. Seungkwan bit his bottom lip, looking up at Vernon, dread and affection somehow perfectly mixing together. " I love you , in a more-than-friends way."
Vernon stared at him for what seemed like forever. Seungkwan let him.
"I'm sorry," was all he could muster, voice strained and hands shaking. Would it be bad to hug Seungkwan right now? Would it be selfish to say that the fact that he can't return this particular I love you broke his heart?
Seungkwan looked down, quiet sobs escaping, and Vernon couldn't help but pull him in his arms. "Seungkwan, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Seungkwan shook his head, and to this day, Vernon still doesn't know if it's because Vernon shouldn't say sorry, or if it's because sorry doesn't cut it.
-
Staring at nothing and waiting until the sun rises doesn't really count as sleep.
Vernon stands up from his bed at 9 AM, realizing that he doesn't even feel like sleeping. Seungkwan's drunk face haunts him, and the alcohol from the wine he and Minghao had the night before already fizzled out, leaving him just a husk.
He stumbles out of the room, his floor silent as ever. It's both a blessing and a curse to Vernon; It gives him space, but giving him space just makes him constantly think about things he'd rather not to.
Like losing his best friend. Like the distance worth seven floors. Like the fleeting touches and the way Seungkwan is always at the other side of the room, or in front of him, all kinds of unreachable.
We can stay as friends, Seungkwan reassured him at first, and things really did stay like that for a while.
Seungkwan simply dyed his hair red, and he clung to Vernon and Vernon didn't mind, because it's Seungkwan. Because it's normal.
Seungkwan would be awkward when things go overboard sometimes, like when Vernon would be too close. Like when Vernon would look into Seungkwan's eyes and speak the only way he knows how: fond and observant. Like when their hands would intertwine and Seungkwan would hide it underneath the table.
But it's not so bad, Vernon thought, I could work with this. How selfish of him, he now realizes, to have thought that.
Seungkwan's red hair disappeared into silky brown, and it took the comfort worth years and years of companionship with it.
The awkwardness came over like a storm. Vernon just found himself naturally distancing himself away, thinking Seungkwan needed space. He tried hard not to mind it when Seungkwan's habits came out, raising an arm to touch Vernon's face, only to catch himself and retract it at the last second.
When he tried hard to lose on purpose in rock-paper-scissors to be on the same floor as Seungkwan, Jeonghan cheated, rock unfurling into paper at the last second in order to lose on purpose. He saw Mingyu shoot a grateful look at Jeonghan, and Vernon tried not to feel the unfairness of this -- of losing Seungkwan to distance.
Seungkwan's flinches and frowns slowly became more noticeable, more volatile. Vernon often found himself in the center of the outbursts, and they argued over small things, from late replies, to just Seungkwan lashing out at him, angry tears and everything.
"I'm not hurting you on purpose," Vernon shakily said, tired and simply distant. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want, Seungkwan. I just want my best friend back."
"I don't want to be hurt either," Seungkwan sobbed out, "But look at where we're at. I love you. Did you honestly think I can still be your best friend?"
Did you honestly think I can still be your best friend?
Seungkwan ran out after giving that one honest sentiment, and Vernon didn't follow him, because he knew nothing would ever make this particular wound heal.
-
Vernon enters the first floor kitchen, and feels his heart drop.
A sluggish Boo Seungkwan is working over the stove, heating up what seems to be food cooked by Mingyu. Seungkwan is obviously hungover, his hair sticking out and wavy, a big pullover engulfing him.
Vernon takes in the sight of him, like this. He hasn't been alone with Seungkwan in a long time. Longingly watching Seungkwan's solo Vlives don't really count, not when Vernon continues to act like a dumbass in person.
Like now. Standing at the entryway of the kitchen, dumbly staring at Seungkwan.
Seungkwan finally turns, and for a moment, Vernon panics. Is Seungkwan going to run away again? Is Seungkwan going to pretend Vernon doesn't exist? Pick a fight with him?
Vernon doesn't know what he wants.
"Hi," He croaks out anyway, because this feels a lot like Seungkwan is just going to disappear if the silence lingers. "Good morning."
Seungkwan smiles a small smile, and Vernon lets out a quiet sigh of relief.
"Good morning," Seungkwan turns around only to turn off the stove and shuffle over to take out plates and utensils. "Gyu-hyung made some food and asked me to bring some here. You want some?"
"Okay," Vernon replies. As if on autopilot, he walks closer to Seungkwan and pulls out the chair opposite to him. "Eat with me?"
The question comes out a bit childish and hopeful, like he's 15 and asking Seungkwan for a cuddle. Embarrassing, but Seungkwan let out a small cackle, so Vernon will take it.
Lately, he's been doing that a lot; acting cute, acting goofy, so long as it makes Seungkwan look at him and laugh.
It feels. Good.
"Of course," Seungkwan giggles as he sets down their breakfast, warm and complete. He shuffles over to the chair opposite of Vernon, and Vernon wonders if he's staring too much, again.
A silence falls down upon them as they start eating, and it's awkward, and Vernon just wants something, anything, so he starts, "Myungho-hyung and I were just drinking wine last night."
Seungkwan finally looks up at him, and Vernon somehow feels defensive, like he owes Seungkwan an explanation. "He does this thing where he gives me a quota of how much wine I can drink and then he just falls asleep while I ramble and play lo-fi music, so most times I really lose track of time--"
"Vernonie," Seungkwan finally says, giving him a small amused grin, and Vernon shuts up, because it's not Hansollie but it's not Vernon either so he'll take it. He'll take it. "You don't have to explain it to me. You're an adult now."
"Uh, yeah, I guess," Vernon laughs a bit, kind of nervous. He knows that. What he doesn't know is why does he feel the need to explain it to Seungkwan, even? "Sorry."
Seungkwan just shakes his head in response, and Vernon decides that he hates that motion the most.
-
Lee Chan noticed it first before anyone else did.
Of course he would. He spent the most time with Vernon and Seungkwan out of anyone, both willingly and unwillingly. So when Seungkwan gave Vernon a weird smile and an awkward laugh when they bumped shoulders, Chan didn't really have to wonder much.
" What are you doing," He heard Mingyu whisper aggressively to Seungkwan once, when they were filming Going Seventeen, waiting for their cue. "You can't keep on doing this to yourself, Seungkwan."
Vernon was busy speaking with Jihoon, both of them huddled in a corner and googling about the horror house they're about to enter. The rest were going around doing their own stuff, taking pictures.
Chan moved just a little bit more to hide Seungkwan, Mingyu doing most of the work.
"I don't have a choice," Seungkwan lamented, cheek pressed against Chan's shoulder. "I don't want to go alone either."
"Then use your karaoke wish later," Chan suggested, "Mingyu-hyung can pull you out then you can switch with someone else. Better that way, maybe?"
They followed the plan, and Chan thinks, right now, that that's where the plan to distance Seungkwan and Vernon from each other started.
They didn't need to tell him what happened. Chan knew. Chan knew with the way Seungkwan would hold Chan's hands tighter when the three of them are together, with the way Vernon averted his eyes only to look longingly across the table anyway.
"Is it my fault?" Vernon said, one time, looking out of the van. They were waiting for Seungkwan, and Chan didn't really know what to say, because he's not Seungkwan.
"Maybe," He replied, honest. "Maybe not. You can't force something you can't give."
Outside, Seungkwan hugged Jeonghan, and Vernon could only say, "I miss him."
"He's right there," Chan pointed out, wry. "We're with him all the time."
"Maybe for you," Vernon said, vague.
Vernon tore his gaze away from Seungkwan, and looked at Chan; Chan understood, but he also didn't, because he doubted Vernon himself knew what he was feeling. Chan could only understand as much as they could. Whatever this was, Vernon wasn't ready to understand it.
So he stayed quiet and shrugged.
The van's door slid open, and Seungkwan stood there, an awkward smile on his face. Vernon extended a hand, holding Seungkwan's arm to help him climb in the van.
He didn't have to do that, Chan thought.
Vernon really didn't have to. But Seungkwan let him.
-
"Good morning," Chan greets, entering the kitchen, only to stop short when he sees Vernon and Seungkwan eating together.
Suddenly, the Come up to the 8th floor if you want to :D text from Seokmin makes sense.
He studies them briefly; Seungkwan seems to be his hungover self, tired and in his morning haze, the way Seungkwan always gets when he's still going through the motions of waking up.
Vernon is -- Chan kind of feels sorry, because Vernon looks halfway between flustered and panicked. It's what Vernon has been like in the van lately, and most of the travels are hard for Chan because he hates the way Vernon flits around weirdly.
The way Vernon holds Seungkwan, then drops him just the same. A push and pull, an uncertain current. Chan sees the way Seungkwan remains compliant; the way he bends to where he can fit, the way he switches between awkward and affectionate as to what Vernon feels.
Chan has witnessed them disappoint and love each other for a little over seven years, but this is the only time he truly feels like running away.
The whole atmosphere is suffocating.
"Do you want to eat breakfast with us?" Seungkwan finally asks, breaking the weird spell the moment was in.
Chan studies them, and doesn't really need to think twice about his answer.
"Nah," He waves at them, "See you."
He leaves to go back to his room and retrieve a jacket, texting I'm omw hyung please please please tell me there's food to Seokmin.
-
Are we okay?
"I'm going to go back up to the 8th floor," Seungkwan says, dropping his dishes into the sink. Vernon does the same, and for a second, the way their arms brush against each other had him on high alert, the back of his nape warm and head dizzy.
He hasn't been this close to Seungkwan in a while.
They're just a few centimeters apart, Vernon hunched over the sink, Seungkwan next to him. It feels like forever, when Vernon looks down, and Seungkwan looks up --
It feels like magic, is how Vernon would describe it. It's the way it's always been, with Seungkwan. To have met someone who just gets him and understands him, quirks and goofiness and weirdness, in his lifetime: It's magic.
The light from the window makes Seungkwan look ethereal, almost unreal. He looks up at Vernon with millions of emotions that Vernon can't even begin to pull apart.
Are we okay? Vernon wants to ask, because all he wants to do right now is to hold Seungkwan. He wants to fix his hair and lounge in their rooms and listen to each other's playlists, like how they used to. Hold hands and do kissy faces and be silly.
But he can't ask that, right now, so he says, "Your hair looks good like this."
He sounds dumb, but that's only because it's Seungkwan, he thinks. Seungkwan has this weird effect where Vernon becomes needy and dumb around him, and Vernon always has to try hard to push it down.
Seungkwan smiles, though, cheeks red and it's a genuine smile, so Vernon doesn't mind.
"You think so?" Seungkwan fixes it with one hand, and Vernon's hand lifts to move around some strands before his brain could even process it. Seungkwan lets him, so Vernon gives this moment to himself.
Seungkwan turns to Vernon's direction, the tiniest of distances, but that's enough, because Vernon curls by instinct, hovering over Seungkwan as he brushes the bangs off of his face.
Seungkwan closes his eyes and tilts his head, like he's surrendering to Vernon, and Vernon almost says I miss you. His fingers move from Seungkwan's bangs and simply trace Seungkwan's eyebrows, thumb gently swiping over the closed eyelids, his fingers curled around the side of Seungkwan's face. It makes Seungkwan smile, and Vernon's thumb slides over to Seungkwan's cheekbone. His breath hitches as Seungkwan's eyelashes flutter, eyes opening to look up at Vernon.
Vernon feels his world tilt, at this fragile moment, and he has an unreasonably strong need for it to last longer.
But Seungkwan steps back, and Vernon drops his hand.
"Wash the dishes?" Seungkwan asks, voice gentle.
"Okay," Vernon replies, because he'll probably do anything Seungkwan asks of him, right now. "I got it, Boo."
The endearing nickname slips out, and time moves again. Seungkwan's phone vibrates on the table, and Vernon is aware of the cold air that breezes around him when Seungkwan leaves his side.
"See you later," Seungkwan waves at him, taking his phone from the table. "Lunch on the 3rd floor, don't forget."
"I won't," Vernon answers, nodding when Seungkwan gives him a satisfied smile.
He turns, walking away from Vernon, and Vernon watches the way the pullover folds over his form, his hair bouncing every so slightly with each step, his index finger tapping at the back of his phone.
"Seungkwan."
Vernon calls out, and Seungkwan turns around, and it feels like everything is in slow motion:
Vernon becomes hyper-aware of the gentle swaying of the brown hair strands, and the way they fall on Seungkwan's forehead. The small head tilt, an unspoken question, his eyes having a tint of brown and gold flecks when the morning light hit him just right. The blur of the white pullover, and the angle Seungkwan spins to face him -- a motion he has admittedly memorized already, yet something about the image of it right now burns itself in Vernon's mind.
Even when Seungkwan doesn't say it, Vernon can hear it, because it's all Seungkwan has been saying to him, with his actions and his voice.
Right now, far away from him, early in the morning, he can feel the I love you radiating from Seungkwan.
Vernon gulps.
"See you later, Boo."
-
He sits next to Seungcheol in lunch, because he doesn't feel confident to sit next to Seungkwan already.
Instead, Seungkwan sits in between Mingyu and Wonwoo, looking every bit awkward and embarrassed. Vernon doesn't know why he'd feel like that when Seungkwan and Mingyu had always been close.
Mingyu, he thinks, with a drop in his stomach. Mingyu makes Vernon feel restless, especially when the taller member immediately reaches for Seungkwan whenever they hang out or play in Going Seventeen.
Against his will, Vernon remembers the soft Mingyu-hyung that Seungkwan whined out quietly in one of the music shows, and the way Seungkwan smiled and closed his eyes, pretty and trusting, as Mingyu fixed his hair.
Vernon could only watch, back then, hands itching to reach forward and fix Seungkwan's hair himself.
Remembering his own similar scene in the kitchen, Vernon tries to shake off the bad feeling in order to focus on his chicken.
"Something wrong?" Seungcheol nudges at him, quietly, as they eat.
From the other side of the table, Mingyu and Seungkwan seem to be in a quiet discussion, Wonwoo offering his thoughts now and then. Jihoon and Seokmin are in their own little circle, as well.
The rest are somewhere else, with their own schedules and plans.
"I'm fine, hyung," Vernon mutters. Seungcheol looks unconvinced, but Vernon knows Seungcheol knows, anyway. "Nothing much."
"If you say so," was all Seungcheol says, because he knows everyone like the back of his hand. He probably already knows what Vernon doesn't, to an extent.
After lunch, some of them go back to their rooms, and Jihoon goes to his studio, where he's comfortable at. Seokmin joins Seungkwan on the way to the 8th floor, and Vernon isn't really thinking when he agrees to tag along.
They shuffle into the elevator, surprisingly meeting Soonyoung in it, also on his way up.
"Where'd you go?" Seokmin asks him, arm wrapping around Soonyoung's shoulders, watching as the elevator dings.
4th Floor.
Vernon leans back against the mirrored wall, eyes closing. Soonyoung and Seokmin make small talk beside him, but he doesn't have to look to know that Seungkwan was on his other side.
He wonders, like always, how it has come to this point where he just knows. The elevator dings.
5th Floor.
He opens his eyes, and meets Seungkwan's -- he is looking at their reflection, next to each other, looking at each other. Seungkwan doesn't run away from this, so Vernon decides not to, either.
His hand hesitantly moves to where Seungkwan's is, half of it in his pullover's sleeve. Seungkwan doesn't run away from this, their fingers brushing, so Vernon laces them together, thumb sliding underneath the sleeve and across the curve of Seungkwan's palm. The elevator dings.
6th Floor.
It's almost a relief, the feeling. Seungkwan's palm is warm, like everything about him, and Vernon feels like he's going to overheat any moment. It's funny, he thinks, feeling this way over something that used to be habitual.
Seungkwan tightens his hold on Vernon, and it's almost like it tugged his heart directly, because Vernon suddenly feels choked up. The elevator dings.
7th Floor.
Vernon studies what they look like, right now:
Vernon, in his black beanie and sweatshirt, leaning back; Seungkwan, shorter and in his white pullover from early morning, brown hair and everything still the same. Still comforting. Still Seungkwan, Vernon thinks, when he meets Seungkwan's eyes once again, the reflection gives him a smile he only ever gives to Vernon.
Ding
"We're here," Seokmin says, stepping out with Soonyoung.
Vernon doesn't run away from this, too. He pulls Seungkwan out of the elevator, hands intertwined, and Seungkwan lets him.
-
Vernon, 22, really doesn't want to think about anything, but he has accepted that maybe he has to.
He races to the studio a little after dinner, Jihoon's sanctuary unexpectedly being Vernon's safe place as well.
Jihoon spins in his chair only once, nodding in greeting as Vernon bursts into the dim studio, Jihoon's arrangement of ‘Bye Bye my Blue’ playing like a lullaby.
He tucks himself into the couch, the cold hitting his cheeks as he leans back and tilts his head.
Jihoon doesn't ask, because he knows Vernon will talk when he's ready. Instead, he taps away at his keyboard, letting the song run its course, the mechanical sound almost comforting.
"I don't understand myself anymore," Vernon says, eventually. He stares at the dark ceiling, violet and blue light spread across the expanse of it. He feels engulfed, and for now, it's comforting. "I don't really know how this works."
Jihoon hums, like a permission to continue, so Vernon does. ‘Bye Bye my Blue’ ends, and ‘Love Poem’ begins. The one person that pops in his mind because of the song makes his eyes squeeze shut.
"At what point," Vernon asks carefully, trying to breathe normally, "does one's love become different?"
Jihoon considers the question, and Vernon waits. There's comfort in Jihoon's silence, because it feels honest. 'Love Poem' continues playing, like a reassurance.
"How are you sure that the love became different?" Jihoon asks back, not even looking at Vernon. He's leaning back on his chair, head propped up by one hand.
Honest. Vernon can do that tonight, he thinks. "Because suddenly I don't see him as just a friend. Suddenly it feels different, like," Vernon waves a hand around, like it will help him articulate. It doesn't, but he tries. "Like. Maybe the ‘I love you’ feels different."
Jihoon spins around briskly, and Vernon looks at his hyung; the harsh white light from his monitor casts a contrast on his face, and Vernon can't read the expression on Jihoon's sharp features.
He feels studied, for a while, like Jihoon is looking down at him, all of him bare and laid out for inspection. Vernon can't really hide anything from someone like Jihoon, so it's futile.
He awaits Jihoon's verdict while thinking of nothing but the feel of Seungkwan's palm pressed against his, and the smile that felt a lot like his.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jihoon finally says, and he took so long that 'Love Poem' fizzled into nothingness, the silence suddenly deafening and scary.
Vernon has more things to be scared of, so he says, "What?"
Jihoon turns his chair just a bit, reaching up for his mouse and keyboard, clicking away as he speaks.
"When you wrote this part, who was on your mind, really?"
Vernon straightens up, and Jihoon plays a sample -- Vernon's voice from 2017 fills the studio, both different and the same, because Vernon is still Vernon. He stops breathing for a bit when he realizes what Jihoon is trying to say:
He hears himself, from years ago, a wobbly demo of ‘Finally I realize, all along love was by my side .’
Like ‘Love Poem’ , the same brown hair and understanding smile comes to mind. Only this time, it hits him like a truck, square into his chest, chills up his spine.
Vernon has always wondered what it would be like, realizing that he loves someone. When he was a kid, he used to watch a lot of k-dramas with his mother, and he thought it would be like ‘Aju Nice’ . Like ‘ Mansae’ .
This is different, precisely because nothing is different. Just a bit clearer. Like his world shifted, and everything just makes sense.
Like magic, he thinks, as all things concerning Seungkwan feels like; but Vernon supposes the word that fits that more than anything else is love.
He stands up in shock, and Jihoon doesn't even flinch. Jihoon just looks at him with a certain glint in his eyes, and Vernon feels like he could just run a marathon and the shock and realization still won't wear off.
"I need to go," is all he says, and he doesn't wait for Jihoon to say anything, almost tripping with how he scrambles for the door.
"Hansol."
The name Jihoon calls him makes him stop, rooted as he turns slowly, looking at Jihoon. He's fully facing Vernon now, and he still has that glint in his eyes, but there's also softness in it, and this -- this, Vernon understands.
"Promise to take good care of him," Jihoon says, and Vernon clenches his fist, because he realizes that this one, he'll keep. "Please take care of him."
"I will," Vernon says, instead of promising, nodding resolutely, "I will."
-
The elevator is out of order when he arrives at the door.
He curses, before starting his trek of climbing the steep stairs, hands briskly checking his KKT.
PARTY AT THE 8TH!!! is Soonyoung's message from an hour ago, answered by Jihoon's 'pass'. He scrolls past the other replies, only to see Seungkwan's 'Pass as well >< '.
The adrenaline pushes him just a bit more. He scrolls through his contacts, pressing at the "SVT Seungkwan" and typing a quick ‘boo where are you?’
It only takes a few seconds for it to be on a Read status, and Vernon's heart soars. He loves Boo Seungkwan, god forbid.
‘in my room, why?’ Seungkwan replies, and Vernon considers replying with a million other things, but he settles with: ‘i'm otw’ .
He closes his phone and races up the stairs, eager and determined. He passes by Jeonghan and Joshua, who were going down to buy more drinks, and he runs past Jun and Minghao, giving them a quick greeting.
By the time he reaches the 8th floor, he’s panting and just a little bit dizzy. From the climb or from emotions, he doesn't really know; He settles on it being both.
Soonyoung is playing Shoot Out at an alarming volume, and the rest of the members are on the floor, seemingly playing a game, each of them holding a drink.
"Vernonie!" Mingyu calls out, sitting next to Seungcheol. "Gonna join?"
"No, sorry," Vernon says, catching his breath. Everyone already lost interest in the exchange, and Vernon starts walking to the hallway, energy brimming from his feet to his fingertips.
Just as he's about to enter Seungkwan's room, Mingyu grabs his wrist, pulling him around to face him. Vernon feels - well, he feels small, because Mingyu is a giant, but for the second time today, he feels like he's awaiting a verdict.
Mingyu looks down at him, eyes squinting. Shoot Out sounds so distant, even though Soonyoung is playing it so damn loud, and all Vernon can think about is Seungkwan.
Vernon stares at Mingyu and realizes, belatedly, that Mingyu just wants the same as Jihoon. He has hurt Seungkwan long enough, and this is what he deserves; A simple I love you won't immediately heal everything, but it will be a start.
It will be a start, and he wants Seungkwan to be the first one to hear it, so he says, "I won't hurt him."
Mingyu exhales, long and excruciating, and he just looks at Vernon with -- resignation.
"He really loves you, you know that."
It sounds like a plea, and this one, Vernon keeps too.
"I know."
Mingyu nods and leaves, going back to the living room. Vernon spins around to face the door again, and he takes a deep breath before knocking on the door, opening it when he finds that it's unlocked.
"Boo?"
The room is dark, and only Seungkwan's starry night light is on, splattered around the walls. Seungkwan is on his bed, comfy pajamas on, and the sight just makes Vernon melt, overwhelmed with familiarity and what he now accepts as love.
"Vernonie."
Seungkwan sits up, legs swinging over the side of the bed. Vernon closes the door shut and leans on it. Outside, the rest of the members must be doing something, because ‘Hug’ starts playing, muffled voices singing along clumsily.
"Boo," Vernon starts, and Seungkwan is looking straight at him now. There's nothing left to run away to and from, so he says, "I miss you."
Seungkwan stands slowly, taking one step closer. "I know."
"I've hurt you," Vernon continues, because he finds that there are a lot of things he never said to Seungkwan that he really should've. "I'm sorry."
Seungkwan takes one step closer, and the night light shines on him just enough for Vernon to see his eyes clearly. "I know."
"You're so beautiful," Vernon blurts out, and he doesn't have it in him to be embarrassed anymore, so he just takes off his brain-to-mouth filter completely. "Sometimes I just think I'm not even worth your love. You've always been there for me, Boo, always there to hold my hand and catch me and take care of me."
Seungkwan takes a deep breath, eyes wide; There's confusion, there, but there's also hope, and the fact that after all this time, Seungkwan still hopes -- Vernon reaches out to loosely lace their fingers together.
"But I want to be," Vernon softly says, "I want to prove myself as worth receiving your love, Boo, if you'd let me."
Seungkwan just cries, and Vernon couldn't stop the tiny laugh as he pulls Seungkwan to him, arms circling around him. Seungkwan fits him so perfectly, in every aspect, and Vernon marvels at how everything just clicks into place, just like that.
He kisses Seungkwan's temple, and Seungkwan's arms wrap around Vernon's midsection tightly, like a lifeline, because it's Vernon.
"You still have to make it up to me."
"I know."
"And you hurt me a lot."
"I know," Vernon rests his cheek on the side of Seungkwan's head, heart threatening to burst out of his chest. "I'm sorry."
Seungkwan doesn't shake his head, this time, and 'Hug' fades into what seems like the start of another ballad. Vernon doesn't care, honestly, and he just nuzzles into Seungkwan, smushing his face against Seungkwan's as if they're 15 all over again.
Seungkwan lets him, and Vernon says, with his lips ghosting over Seungkwan's, "I love you, Seungkwan."
This moment, to Vernon, is ethereal; seeing the way Seungkwan's brown fringe carelessly caresses his forehead, eyelashes fluttering on each other's cheekbones, noses bumping into each other.
Seungkwan's eyes have stars in them, Vernon thinks, as Seungkwan finally says, "I love you too, Hansollie."
He smiles as Seungkwan's eyes flutter shut, and so did his, Seungkwan's lips touching his tasting a lot like forever and a day.
Seungkwan kisses him, a kiss worth seven years, and maybe a million more.
Vernon lets him.