Archive of Our Own

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Peter Pettigrew had never been much of anything. Not much of a friend, not much of a leader, not even a good follower.

He wouldn't ever amount to anything, really, would he?

The mark on his wrist flared, and the dark snake in the centre reared his head.  He  is calling. He's calling -

No, he would not.

He squeezes his eyes shut as he disapparates, trying hard to forget the three boys who had once cheered and hooted as he apparated for the first time, in Hogsmeade.


No family left to be his own. And that, he admitted to himself, was entirely his fault.





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When his own silver hand choked him, the grip staggeringly tight, he watched as his once-best mate's son tried helping him -  why? why is he still trying to save him?  - the other boy, his old red headed master, what did he call him again?  Scabbers,  stops him.

The darkness of the dungeons at Malfoy Manor dissolves to a bright, eye blinding background.


Yellow. For happiness.


Orange. For trust.


A deep violet. For another chance.


Green, for faith that he could change.

And a strange mix of pink and grey,  because it is never too late.





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He's going to become a better man,  he insists to himself, as he wakes up on his old bed, a soft mattress, the size good enough for his current size. 

He knows his mom will expand it when he turns fifteen, and finally gets the growth spurt that he had been waiting for.

He looks in his mirror, a gold paned round thing - where he's small, and scrawny, thin and bony body but a face which still has baby fat. If he's right, he'll grow out of it by the time he's sixteen, and then regain four times more during his tenure as a rat -

But that won't happen again.

He's going to be a better man. A better friend. A braver person. Not somebody who follows around James and Sirius. Somebody who they  want  to be friends with. Somebody worth loving, not just pitying. He's going to make everybody around him better, and he can do it too, he reminds himself, he, after all, knows  more  about his friends than they do.


He's eleven again.





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The letter is in his hands, as he and his mother, Mrs. Elaine Pettigrew, make their way through Diagon alley and he pretends his hardest to be surprised and awed.

Except, everything is so different from the last time he was eleven. Makes sense, he muses, because the last time, he was probably so scared he didn't even notice anything really. He can see Lily -  Evans, currently,  and firmly so, he thinks with a wry grin as his eyes fall on the dark haired boys in front of him.


Sirius and Regulus Black.


Had he seen these two the first time around, too?


Regulus is clinging to Sirius's sleeve and Sirius is attempting to untangle him by tickling, his newly bought wand being waved haphazardly by his left hand. He recognises that wand so easily, Peter thinks grimacing  - he's not that man sniffling in front of Sirius today -  and decides that today is a good day as any to change fate.

His mother watches with an open mouth, and worry in her eyes as he walks upto the two brothers.

"Hey, there," he says looking at Sirius, and they immediately stop their jostling. "My name's Peter Pettigrew. First year, too?"

"Yes," Sirius says, his voice smooth and formal, a little wariness in his eyes. "I'm Sirius. And my brother, Regulus."

Peter notices the lack of surname - but doesn't push obviously, he already knows enough - and so does Regulus who immediately bristles and opens his mouth, probably to tell him all about the  Noble and Most Ancient House of Black,  but Sirius puts a hand over his mouth.

Had Sirius always been this self conscious about his family and, more importantly, how had Peter missed this?

He smiles amiably enough, "Like the stars. Gotten your books?"

The stars comment seems to mollify Regulus, who stops glaring and passive aggressively licking Sirius's hand.

Sirius nods, smiling and heaving up an over flowing cauldron from the ground, "But my robes are still left. We can get them together if you want."

"Sure," Peter says, as Sirius grins at him -  and there it is,  Peter thinks fondly, this grin is going to kill half the population of girls in Hogwarts in the coming years, "Where are your parents?"

Its a quiet, casual question, because Peter knows how defensive Sirius can get.

"They haven't come," he says carefully casual, he's not yet as good as lying as he's going to become, which surprises Peter. He hadn't known that. "Our cousin is helping us. Well, she's supposed to be helping us, but she's in the pub with her  boyfriend."

He stretches out the boyfriend like its someone disgusting, which knowing Sirius's cousins, is probably true.

They walk to Madam Malkin's, laughing, after Peter introduces them to his mother, who is looking at Peter like she doesn't know who he is, she actually doesn't - and they spend their time talking about quidditch and Hogwarts houses.

Peter's honestly surprised at how funny Sirius is. He's always known people call him charming for a reason, but as a grown man laughing at the anecdotes of an eleven year old,  well.

"See you in school, Pete!" Sirius says, as Regulus waves shyly when they walk out towards an impatiently waiting Bellatrix Lestra - Bellatrix Black, he corrects himself, and he puts out an arm for his highly, but pleasantly astonished mother to take.

"Of course. See you, Sirius," he replies.




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Peter may not remember much, but he definitely remembers his first ride to Hogwarts. He had sat with Remus, who had read a book the whole way, and he had been too scared to speak anything anyway.

Well, its going to be better.

Better, better, better.

He drags his trunk up, after hugging and kissing his mother, who he can still see crying through the window, and walks upto the third compartment, where he knows Remus will be in.

And sure enough, he is there, his head buried in the second book from the  Stars Wars Series -  which Peter knows he loves and will manage reading atleast sixteen times by the end of his schooling. He opens the door, startling Remus - who looks up once, forms half a smile, and then, as though remembering something, ducks his head again.

Oh. Right.  Werewolf.  And that no-friends policy Remus had adopted in the beginning.

It had completely skipped his mind, but the faint scars definitely remind you heavily of moonlight animalistic runs on the grounds, and plans and plots in the dormitory balcony.

He wonders if he is still an Animagus. He's pretty sure he is, because after all, magic is all about intent, isn't it? And for all intents and purposes, Peter can  imagine  turning into a rat, very easily.


Better. Better, better, he repeats.


"Hello," he begins, and again Remus jumps up. "I'm Peter Pettigrew. Would you mind if I sit here?"

Remus shakes his head, trying to smile, but it comes out as more of a grimace.

"Remus Lupin," he says, his Welsh accent stronger than Peter remembers. "Nice to meet you."

"Remus," Peter muses thoughtfully, hoping that Remus wouldn't overreact and take all this the wrong way or flee. "Remus Lupin. Was  Wolf McWolf  already taken?"

Remus tenses immediately, and Peter regrets speaking. He just wanted some way to break that he knew already, and help him earlier,  better, better.

Remus laughs nervously, shrugging in a way that was probably meant to be casual, but really wasn't. Peter stops pressing his luck, making conversation about simple topics, with slight inputs from his previous shot at life, stuff he knows Remus likes - stuff that might make him warm upto Peter faster. 

When the trolley lady comes, Peter treats Remus with chocolate and more chocolate and all kinds of chocolate, that should be enough. 

Remus  relaxes, which Peter thinks is a victory, and they laugh and joke like old friends.  (Old friends,  Peter thinks, ironically.)

And soon enough, Remus is smiling warmly and in awe at Peter which he takes as a new kind of victory.  Awe.  Directed towards him.

They soon change into their school robes, and Peter goes to the toilet, with a  "May the force of my presence be with you, Re!"  and he walks to the lavatory area -

To see something he really never expected.

Severus Snape. Crying. Well, not exactly crying. Its dry sobs, his whole body shaking, and something in Peter goes,  better, better  and taking his chance, he strides slowly towards him and taps him gently on the back.

Snape spuns around at surprising speed and Peter blanches for a second, at the lack of recognition in his eyes, but then, the angry scowl comes full swing and Peter forgets about it.

He opens his mouth, but Peter definitely doesn't want to hear a biting comment that will have nothing to do with him, but Snape's foul mood instead and so he says, "Want to come sit with us?"

Which, in hindsight, was an extremely stupid question, and Snape stares at him incredulously so, Peter hurriedly continues.

"I mean - I'm Peter Pettigrew," he says, not maintaining eye contact, because  what if the creepy bastard can already read minds?  "You can come sit with us. Its me and another first year."

"And what makes you think I would want to sit with you?" Snape says, nastily sneering, obviously hoping this will send him away, but  alas,  Peter has served this guy in his house for a whole year, he knows his cutting quips are better than this.

"I don't," he says, ignoring the fact that Snape obviously can't have much to do if he is crying in the toilet. "Just wondered. Its hardly my business, what you're doing right now. We have a lot of food, and we're almost at the school, anyway."

As if on cue, Snape's stomach makes a loud grumbling noise, and he flushes deeply, scowling, while Peter smirks, knowing he's won.

He returns to the compartment, where Remus has,  bless him,  picked up his book again, with an empty bladder, and a former enemy  Snivellus,  turned friend Severus.

He might be doing some good, after all.

Remus and Snape get in a long discussion about Hogwarts, A History, and Peter is proud of the fact that despite having atleast twenty good years to read it, he still hasn't.

Snape laughs, sometime in the middle when they're talking about the Scandal between Uric the Oddball and Barnacles the Barmy - looking surprised, and Peter smiles too.

Better, better, better.





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The Sorting Ceremony starts the same.

Peter smiles as the hat tells him that this time, he truly deserves Gryffindor. And then,


"Snape, Severus!"


And after two minutes under the hat, it opens its mouth and shouts,  "Ravenclaw!"

Peter's eyes are wide as Remus claps loudly, Lily cheers Snape on, and Sirius and James exchange a confused look. Snape has a small smile on his face, as he makes his way down, something that surprises Peter, and Lily, too, apparently, as he nods at Peter, and Remus, his smile widening when he looks at Lily.

Peter nods back, eyebrows high.





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