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Vernon leans over to Seungkwan, cigarette stick hanging off his mouth, watching how Seungkwan’s thumb runs over the tiny wheel on the lighter, sparks flying and the fire hovering over his stick.
They’re huddled together by the backdoor of the chinese restaurant their group of friends decided to have a night out at, squatting next to each other. Seungkwan looks good like this, Vernon thinks, buried in Vernon’s parka that Seungkwan put on before they left the apartment, cheeks dusted with pink as the snow falls.
He breathes in as Seungkwan lights up the stick, his eyelashes feeling wet. It’s always so intimate, whenever they do this: him tilting down, and Seungkwan daintily lighting up his cigarette, one hand holding the lighter, and the other shielding it from view, like it’s their secret.
It’s something only Seungkwan would be allowed to do, Vernon decided years ago, when Seungkwan pouted at him smoking outside the convenience store. He never lets anyone else light his cigarette.
Seungkwan pockets the lighter, burying his nose in his scarf, laying his head on Vernon’s shoulders as they stare at the street in front of them, Christmas lights twinkling and street lamps a dull orange.
Why does Seungkwan step out with you whenever you smoke if he doesn’t? Chan had asked once, and Vernon’s mind reels, thinking of all the things it could mean. He doesn’t know either, and he's known Seungkwan long enough that he already knows it’s going to be a question Seungkwan won’t answer.
He takes the cigarette with his right hand, blowing the smoke away from Seungkwan, before leaning his head down, resting on the crown of Seungkwan’s head.
-
Vernon is surprised when he sees Seungkwan already up, coffee in his hands and head tilted back on the sofa, eyes closed. It’s a Sunday, and the heater keeps the apartment at the perfect temperature. Just small Seungkwan things.
“You’re going out?” Seungkwan asks, looking at him upside down, from the sofa.
Vernon walks over to him, hands reaching down to massage Seungkwan’s head, meeting his eyes. Seungkwan gives what can only be described as a purr, and Vernon’s heart melts at the contentment on his best friend’s face.
“I’m meeting Hao for breakfast,” Vernon says, laughing at the displeased noise Seungkwan lets out. “He’s not going to set me up for blind dates anymore, don’t worry. I think he understood that when you threw a fit on Instagram.”
“It wasn’t a fit,” Seungkwan tries to defend himself, setting his mug on the table and sitting upright, turning to look at Vernon. He has a pout on his face, halfway between serious and joking. “You told me you hated it.”
“I told you she was fine,” Vernon laughs again, pinching Seungkwan and grinning at him when he yelps. “You asked me if I’d put her picture in my wallet and I said no, then you assumed that I hated it.”
Seungkwan’s face drops the pout, and Vernon’s heart starts racing at the soft look Seungkwan gives him - he had never been the best at masking his emotions, and Vernon knows that now Seungkwan is a bit bothered.
“Sorry,” Seungkwan bites his lips before looking up at him, like a puppy. “Did you like her? I’m sorry if I ruined it.”
Vernon is quick to take Seungkwan’s hands, warm and soft, no doubt from the coffee mug. He squeezes it to give him a reassuring smile.
“Nah,” Vernon shakes his head, nudging Seungkwan. “There wasn’t anything to ruin anyway.”
Seungkwan studies him for a bit, and this is the part where it gets tricky, because lately Seungkwan has been doing this thing where his face is unreadable, intense. Vernon doesn’t like it, because he’s used to knowing Seungkwan inside out.
It doesn’t last long, though, because Vernon’s phone starts ringing, and Seungkwan stands up, stretching.
“Looks like you’re late, Vernonie.”
Vernon rolls his eyes, pulling out his phone. He declines the call, because he knows Minghao only called him as a reminder, not as an actual call. His hunch is right when he sees Minghao’s two texts: pls dont tell me you’re late bc you’re finally making out with kwannie and sorry if i ruined the moment, some of us are waiting here.
The face he makes must be funny, because Seungkwan laughs, before giving his coffee mug to Vernon.
“Drink the rest of this up, then just go already.”
Vernon hates the shit Seungkwan drinks because the bitter taste always makes his stomach hurl, the espresso coiling around him. He will never understand how Seungkwan kept the addiction over americano - iced or not - from high school up until now, as adults.
Seungkwan hums absentmindedly, tilting his head to the side and looking at Vernon with a smile, so Vernon drinks it all anyway, grimacing, like how he always does.
Just small Seungkwan things.
-
“Are you ever going to confess?”
Minghao asks him offhandedly, and Vernon has been through this conversation long enough that he only shrugs. Minghao should know better, he thinks, than to ask this question.
His answer is always the same.
“He obviously loves you,” Minghao continues, though still calm and composed. “It still cracks me up when he went off at me on Instagram over a picture with you.”
Vernon can’t hide his grin from that, and nothing escapes Minghao, so he latches on it.
“Why was he so obsessed over wallet pictures, anyway?” The Chinese man asks, sipping his tea. The weather is cold, and Vernon pulls his beanie down, covering his ears.
“He believes that having them means keeping the person with you at all times,” Vernon answers, lips quirked up into a fond little smile. “It’s odd, because his own wallet doesn’t even have a picture in it. Just a white paper, or something.”
“Really? I always thought he’d put a lot of pictures in his wallet if it means that much to him,” Minghao ponders, hand on his chin.
“Like your picture, or even ours.”
“He said it's a special thing, so it’s a placeholder. For when he finds the one.”
Vernon's stomach feels like it's curling into itself, like how it always does at the thought of opening Seungkwan’s wallet and seeing someone else’s picture in it. It’s silly, but the idea always makes him sick; over the years, it has become more manageable, but he already accepted long ago that it will never fade. Not while he loves Seungkwan, and that, he's sure will never change.
“And you don’t believe in it?”
“Nah,” Vernon laughs at the question, remembering Seungkwan’s pouty face when they had a similar discussion.
“That’s so old school. My wallet doesn’t even have a photo pocket. Besides, what are phones for?”
Minghao looks at him pointedly, and Vernon knows why, because he diverts his attention to his phone where a smiley Boo Seungkwan greets him as a wallpaper.
Vernon finishes the last of his sandwich, the cold lemonade making him feel springy and livelier. Briefly, he wonders if Seungkwan already ate, or if the coffee he had earlier is all he could stomach, again.
-
As lunch comes, Minghao prepares to leave, having set an appointment with Mingyu beforehand.
Minghao stands, fixing up his scarf, and he realizes that the ashtray on the table they were sitting on is untouched.
He doesn’t say anything about it, and instead lets out a small proud smile; something he rarely does.
“Kwannie is good for you, I think. Maybe you should tell him how you feel.”
“He has always been good for me,” Vernon waves at Minghao vaguely, nonchalantly, but he knows that his friend is sincere. “I’ll think about it.”
Minghao thinks about Seungkwan fussing over Vernon’s coat and habits, reaching up to cup Vernon’s face into his hands, nagging. He thinks about how Seungkwan is the only person who Vernon smiles so fondly at while he’s being scolded and corrected.
“Good,” Minghao says, and he means it.
-
“Boo?”
Vernon calls out as he enters the apartment, toeing off his shoes and nudging them to the side. He can hear California Dreaming from the living room, and Seungkwan calling out with a distant Vernonie?
“I’m back,” He announces, setting down the small white box, containing Seungkwan’s favorite shortcake from the pastry shop down the street. He smugly notes the way Seungkwan’s eyes brighten when he sees it. “With gifts.”
“Welcome home,” Seungkwan greets, pausing the movie as he motions Vernon to sit next to him.
“Was it cold out?”
“Yeah. Snow everywhere."
"Did you have fun, at least?"
"Mhm."
Vernon sighs and Seungkwan smiles at him, smoothing down his disheveled hair as he tugs off the jacket and beanie, folding them and putting them on the sofa’s armrest. The warmer temperature comforts Vernon, making him relax and lean on Seungkwan as the latter rubs the cold away from his ear. The movie is already past its halfway mark, and the snacks on the coffee table tells Vernon that Seungkwan at least ate lunch. Relief floods him as he lets Seungkwan fuss over him.
“You’re watching Chungking Express?”
“You wouldn’t shut up about it, so might as well,” Seungkwan says, mirth lacing his voice. Vernon knows it’s a lie, because they’ve watched it about a million times together over the years, but he playfully rolls his eyes at Seungkwan anyway.
He pulls his feet up on the sofa, now completely leaning on Seungkwan’s side, head tucked under his chin as Seungkwan cards his fingers gently over Vernon’s hair. The gentle massage lulls Vernon into a drowsy state, watching as Cop 663 waits for Faye in the restaurant, knowing with a heavy heart what happens next.
“You didn’t smoke today?” Seungkwan asks, voice quiet, and something about it makes Vernon think that he already knows the answer.
“Nah.”
Seungkwan moves his arms to circle around Vernon, and Vernon just closes his eyes and sinks further into it.
-
They’re sitting next to each other in the small bar Seokmin and Soonyoung dragged Seungkwan in.
Vernon went only because Seungkwan asked him if he wanted to, and after nine years of spending time with Seungkwan, he already accepted from years ago that he’ll go wherever Seungkwan goes. Even if it meant drinking out on a Sunday night despite him having a class to teach the next day.
The smell of smoke makes Vernon twitchy, but Seungkwan’s warm hand on the inside of his thigh grounds him. The orange and blue lights are dim, setting the ambiance of the bar; Sleek black tables, red drapes on the windows. There is a distinctive jazz music playing, seemingly quiet, and low murmurs and choruses of laughter could be heard now and then. He focuses on the story Seokmin is animatedly talking about, something about Soonyoung slipping on their bathroom, and they keep on telling Soonyoung to lower down his voice whenever he laughs and gets too into the story.
Seungkwan leans into Vernon's shoulder, the latter's arm slinging around his waist, fingers thrumming softly against the soft sweater. Now and then, Vernon picks at the soft wool, even though there are no loose threads.
“I can’t believe I have to live with this dork alone,” Seokmin whines, playfully glaring at Seungkwan, who was sitting across him. “It’s not too late to share the apartment with us, Kwannie.”
Seungkwan laughs, bumping his shoulder against Vernon’s chest.
"No way. You’re both so messy.”
“You’re messy too!” Soonyoung loudly complains, and Vernon laughs alongside them. "You just want to be with Vernon."
"So what? He's better than both of you."
"You're so mean, you demon."
"I'm not mean, I'm just normal. You're both so weird."
Vernon amusedly listens to the banter, drinking down his glass as Seungkwan multitasks between talking and serving. He notices the way Seungkwan is putting more soju on his own glass before pouring less on Vernon’s, heart still going soft despite the gesture being their routine. Seungkwan both looking after Vernon's low tolerance, and relying on him to take care of Seungkwan should anything happen, will always make Vernon feel special. There are so many things about the gesture - Seungkwan’s trust, Seungkwan’s worry, Seungkwan’s love - and it overwhelms Vernon.
It’s not a bad thing, so he embraces it.
He can see how flushed Seungkwan’s face is, and Seokmin and Soonyoung look way more wrecked. Vernon nuzzles the back of Seungkwan’s ear, hair tickling his nose, and his lips ghosting over light kisses that he hopes are undetected. His fingers unconsciously grip at the loose sweater, Seungkwan's cologne admittedly more intoxicating than the alcohol.
“I’m going to go out for a smoke,” He quietly says, and Seungkwan hums, without judgement. Instead, he tilts his head to look at Vernon, trying to blink the alcohol out of his system.
“Do you really need to?” Seungkwan breathes out. Seokmin and Soonyoung carry on with the conversation without them, sounding farther away than they actually are, as Vernon's fingers let go of the sweater and splays around Seungkwan's waist.
"I don't want to go to work tomorrow."
"We can't call in sick, Kwannie's here--"
"Oh my god, you're right."
"You're so stupid sometimes, Seokkie."
Vernon's brain tunes out the conversation and the cackles that follow it, now well and truly aware of Seungkwan's proximity. Even through the clothing, Seungkwan is soft in a thousand ways, and Vernon melts. Their faces are so close - so, so close, and Vernon thinks of how easy it is to tell him now. How easy it is to just dip his head down to connect their lips. How easy it is to just bump their noses, or kiss Seungkwan's forehead. So dangerous, he thinks, looking at Seungkwan's pouty lips and caring eyes, soft and everything Vernon is in love with. I could kiss you right now.
"Nonie?"
He snaps out of the trance, and answers a fast, “Yes.”
“Mmkay,” Seungkwan says, before turning to their friends. “Nonie’s just gonna smoke.”
“Aight,” Seokmin warbles out, ordering more soju. Soonyoung laughs out loud at something on his phone, hand slapping the desk. “We’ll order more food too.”
“Sure,” Seungkwan waves, before standing up. Vernon stands up as well, already holding Seungkwan’s arm lightly, gently guiding him out of the chair and to the front of the bar.
They tuck themselves into the corner near the entrance, at the smoking area. There’s only one teenager nearby who is pensively chain smoking, judging from the amount of cigarette butts around her feet. Vernon pulls his own scarf off of him, putting it around Seungkwan’s neck, burying his nose in it. His heart melts at the usual contentment on Seungkwan's face; He has always liked being spoiled rotten by Vernon.
“You forgot to put your jacket on,” Vernon points out, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out one cigarette from the box.
“You cold?”
"Freezing."
Seungkwan fumbles around, before pulling the lighter out from his pocket. Dainty fingers hold the lighter, thumb now expertly rolling the wheel. Vernon leans down so Seungkwan can light his stick, eyes focused on the concentration in Seungkwan’s face, flushed and pouting.
The orange fire casts a glow on Seungkwan's face; The gentle blues of the night compliments it, and he feels mesmerized at how Seungkwan looks, like this: brown hair tinged with red, brown eyes glowing, as if it has a gold ring, cheeks and nose flushed red from the cold. I love you, Vernon thinks, watching as a fleeting breeze makes Seungkwan's bangs sway just a little bit, the orange light from the lighter flickering alongside it. He takes in the image before he breathes in and blows it away from Seungkwan. Vernon wraps an arm around Seungkwan’s shoulders, slotting perfectly over it, with his hand reaching over to hold hands with him.
“Are you disappointed?”
“I am.”
Seungkwan clicks his tongue, and Vernon laughs, because of course Seungkwan is. He feels comforted, rather than distraught, because it means Seungkwan believes in him being better.
“But I’m also proud of you.”
“Why?”
“You’re getting better at it.”
Half of Seungkwan's face is covered by the soft, black scarf, now just mumbling into it. He looks sleepy, the alcohol hitting him on his downtime, but he also looks comfortable. Seungkwan unclasps their hands, only to hold Vernon's with both of his hands, cold to touch, but familiar. Vernon's heart twinges at how Seungkwan squeezes his hand reassuringly, thumbs stroking Vernon's knuckle. Like his own pocket of belongingness, even when he's smoking outside of a bar, back leaning on the damp wall. The December air is cold and snow is lightly falling down, and Vernon wonders what kind of an amazing deed he accomplished in his past life to be able to have one Boo Seungkwan in his current one.
“I know it’s hard, Nonie. It’s why I’m proud of you anyway.”
Smoking has a big significance in cinema, Vernon thinks.
Ho Po-wing lighting up his cigarette with the burning tip of Lai Yiu-fai's in the middle of their break-up in Happy Together. Chow Mo-wan and Wang Jing-wen on the rooftop of their apartment building in 2046. They signify sadness, loneliness, the inability to say their feelings and the consequences of heartbreak; The refusal to be happy. A seduction, a secret, but all with underlying melancholy.
He thinks, as he takes his cigarette out of his mouth to press a small kiss on Seungkwan’s temple, that his moments with Seungkwan are different from those.
-
Seungkwan wakes up earlier than Vernon does, most days.
Vernon opens his eyes, reaching up for his alarm to turn it off. 6 AM. Vernon doesn't have to be awake until at least 10 AM. Whether it's an alarm for Seungkwan if he ever runs late, or for Vernon in order to be at least a little bit awake when Seungkwan leaves, Vernon will never admit. His vision is still a bit bleary and he barely manages to scroll through his email notifications when Seungkwan enters his room, hair all done, a simple button-up and slacks on. Like clockwork. His cologne fills up Vernon’s sense as he moves closer to him, sitting on the bed; Instinctively, Vernon scoots, laying down on Seungkwan, the latter immediately running his fingers through Vernon’s hair.
Vernon hums, content. Right now, he can afford basking in Seungkwan’s early morning affection, so he takes whatever Seungkwan gives. The dark blue hue from outside is slowly filling the room, slipping past the blinders that are halfway open.
“I left your brunch on the table,” Seungkwan says, and Vernon rests his head on Seungkwan’s lap. “Don’t be late, okay? Think of your poor students.”
Vernon laughs, raspy and hoarse, not quite awake yet. “I’ll try.”
Seungkwan scoffs quietly, playful. “Professor Chwe.”
“That’s me,” Vernon replies, pliant and obedient over Seungkwan’s soft thigh, smiling.
“I’ll pick you up later?”
“Please do.”
Seungkwan indulges him for five more minutes, before he really has to leave. He fusses over Vernon, as if he doesn't want to go, and Vernon considers pulling Seungkwan into bed and cuddling him. Not today, though, so he just presses his smile against Seungkwan's thigh and closes his eyes as Seungkwan stalls for time, fingers massaging Vernon's scalp.
"Please eat before you leave, okay?"
"I will."
"Message me when you're on the way to school."
"I always do."
"Don't forget your water bottle later. Oh, and don't forget your graded papers."
"I would never."
"Liar. One time, I had to go home and bring your papers to you. I will never forget that."
Vernon laughs, and his heart warms because he could feel how much Seungkwan wants to stay. But he can't be a hypocrite, because all he wants to do is cuddle with Seungkwan and laze around all day as well; They do this every morning, and it never gets old. Vernon doesn't ever want it to get old, so he just thanks his lucky stars and indulges himself in it.
"Boo, you're going to be late."
Seungkwan sighs, and Vernon opens one eye to look up at him. There's an adorable pout on his face, and Vernon just pinches his side lightly and lets Seungkwan shuffle him around.
"Fine," Seungkwan says, giving a smile and fixing Vernon's bed hair one last time. Habit. "I'll see you later."
"I'll see you."
He leaves Vernon with a hug, face buried in the crook of Vernon’s neck, lips ghosting over skin.
“Be careful,” Vernon calls out, watching Seungkwan walk out of his room. “Take care. Message me.”
Seungkwan turns around, a smile on his face and a hand on the door frame. Like this, Vernon thinks Seungkwan is perfect, and he selfishly thinks about how no one else sees Seungkwan in moments like this but him.
I love you stays on the tip of his tongue, begging to be said, but he doesn't say it, and neither does Seungkwan.
“Of course.”
-
“Oh wow,” Vernon says flatly as he enters the faculty room.
It was mostly empty, save for Wonwoo going through his pile of paperwork, most likely essays. Even through a long sleeve and a layer of coat, the white room is as cold as ever, almost freezing. Vernon wishes he could bring Seungkwan in everyday just to fix the thermostat; At least twenty professors in this faculty, and none of them know how to properly set the temperature. Devastating.
The literature professor looks up before nodding at Vernon as he stretches, legs pushing himself backwards, his office chair sliding.
“Hey,” Wonwoo greets, “They went for a late lunch.”
Vernon just makes a sound of acknowledgement, yawning as he takes his seat. He still has an hour to kill before his class today.
He boots up his laptop, intending to look over the submissions for last week’s activity. He is still blinking the sleepiness out of his eyes when his phone buzzed, boo on the notifications.
He opens the message, and reads it.
boo
today’s bride is so !! grr
Nonie
wym
boo
so loud
also idk why she’s sooo mean to gyu
the prenup photos came out great >:(
Nonie
wow sounds tough
boo
can’t wait to go home alrd :(
u’ll still pick me up?
if u get off early i can just ride w/ gyu
Nonie
nah i'll wait
i got you, boo
boo
:) <3
ok ttyl we need to cake test
Nonie
kk
He smiles as he closes his phone, feeling so much better than he did a second ago.
Seungkwan’s job-related stress messages are the source of Vernon’s entertainment, but it also makes him honestly giddy how Seungkwan messages him over his concerns. Even if he’s busy, he always makes sure to read and reply even just a few words, positive that any reply eases Seungkwan’s worries.
“You’re so happy so early.”
He hears the voice behind him, and he turns only to see Lee Jihoon, looking sleep-deprived and absolutely tired. He has a hoodie on, black hair looking run-through, sending a faux scowl at the polaroids on Vernon’s desk: a family picture, and a picture with Seungkwan. Vernon knows it's just a front, though, remembering how much Jihoon cried when Seungkwan graduated. Once a favorite, always a favorite, even if it meant Seungkwan being Jihoon's go-to demonstrator in their old Glee Club back in high school.
“Jihoon-hyung,” Vernon grins at him, chuckling when Jihoon glares at the positivity. “How’s your Audio Engineering class going?”
“Awful,” He says flatly, placing his own laptop on his desk, collapsing on his chair and sighing. “I don’t know what’s so hard about following my instructions. It’s like they open Adobe Audition and then forget how sound works.”
“It’s the syllabus,” Vernon agrees, willing to rant. He had his own fair share of classes where students had the wrong prerequisites, so they’re absolutely clueless when they start his subject.
“That’s why I just adjust my lesson plan according to what they know.”
“Of course, you would.”
Vernon just gives him a self-satisfied grin, before checking the movie essays he made his students do the past week.
Being a Film Studies professor wasn’t exactly what Vernon planned to be - he used to have bigger dreams, like directing his own film. The Oscars, he used to gush to Seungkwan, eyes bright. He looked up to directors like Park Chan-wook and Bong Joon-ho, Korean directors that made him want to make films. Directors that made him feel things, that made him want to do the same for other people.
The more he grew up, though, and the more he shared his love of film with Seungkwan, the more he realized that the prospect of teaching cinema theories and analysis was his calling. The almost unrelentless need to discuss and open discourse for film, their technicalities, and personal interpretations of their meanings - Vernon felt like it was a dream that was more him.
Will it make you happy? was what Seungkwan asked back then, understanding and supportive as Vernon slumped against him, existential crisis at its peak when he had to pick a career.
As Vernon reads “Thank you for making us watch this movie, Professor Chwe” in one of his students’ footnotes, he couldn’t help but admit that the answer is yes.
-
Nonie
boo, i'm at the lobby
-
"Need a light?"
Vernon looks up from his phone, only to see Joshua exiting the building.
He guesses that Joshua is just taking a break; the man only has his own cigarette box, pulling out one stick. Vernon raises an eyebrow as an answer to the question, and Joshua just gestures at the unlit stick hanging off of Vernon’s mouth.
“I’m good,” Vernon says, and Joshua snorts.
“I don’t get you, but whatever,” Joshua sighs dramatically, walking over to also lean on the railing, facing the opposite of Vernon. “You and Kwannie are always so weird.”
“Only Boo’s weird,” Vernon says, laughing lowly as he sees Seungkwan’s reply to his text. “I think he just rubbed off of me.”
boo
i can feel u and shua-hyung talking about me
im otw down
ok gimme a sec hoshi-hyung decided to have a wrestling match with seokkie
Nonie
send vid
boo
u parasite
but ofc i would
He snorts, closing his phone screen, only to meet Joshua’s shit-eating grin, looking like a cat who caught a canary. He lifts an eyebrow at his hyung.
"What is it this time?"
“You’re so whipped for Kwannie.”
boo
[video attachment]
hoshi-hyung is absolutely smashed
he didnt know seokkie’s been goin to the gym with u ㅋㅋㅋ
Nonie
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
c'mere now
they might challenge you next
boo
no way im tired
elev now <3
“Maybe I am,” Vernon laughs out, and Joshua feels his happiness radiating. “It’s him, after all.”
Everyone knows that Vernon and Seungkwan have been dancing around each other for almost a literal decade, from shy affections and special treatment as high school students to just unashamed clinginess and domesticity as adults.
As he thinks about the contentment and comfort the two of them have, he wonders if it’s not much of a dance around as it is a dance with.
“Vernonie!” Seungkwan calls out, finally emerging from the building, eyeglasses on his face and hair still as good as when Vernon saw him earlier this morning.
The familiar snug black jacket Seungkwan has on his button-up makes Vernon smile.
“Boo,” He nods, closing his eyes as Seungkwan cups his face, warming it up from the cold. He resisted a giggle as Seungkwan started rubbing his thumb over his cheekbones, the touch featherlight and ticklish.
“Do you need a light?”
Seungkwan asks, and Vernon looks down at him, all sorts of dizzy from how beautiful he looked, like this, sky dark and fluorescent lighting shining on him. Vernon loves him, so much, like this.
“Nah,” Vernon shakes his head a little, and lets Seungkwan take the stick in between his lips, watching him toss it to a nearby garbage can.
Normally, he would’ve felt bad about the wasted cigarette, or be grumpy that he has yet to smoke - he makes the mental note that he hasn't had even one stick the whole day - but when he sees the way Seungkwan beams at him afterwards, taking his hands, he finds that all he feels is light.
-
"Our winter break starts next week."
"Lucky you. I still don't have an idea why so many couples want to be married during December."
"Hey, at least I can go with you to your planned weddings, yeah?"
"Ah, I don't want to bother you. You should be resting during winter break."
Vernon pulls the car into a stop as the traffic light turns red. The radio is on, softly playing a ballad he doesn't recognize, but Seungkwan hums along to it once in a while. The streets are full and a lot of people are walking around, but there's a specific quiet inside the car that Vernon finds comfort in.
You're my rest, Vernon wants to say, but he settles with, "You're never a bother, Boo."
He looks over at Seungkwan, just as Seungkwan looks over to him. The satisfied grin on the Jeju prince's face assures him that Seungkwan doesn't really think he's a bother. Vernon taps his fingers to the beat of the ballad against the gear shift, eyes staying on Seungkwan's features even as the other looks away; the red from the traffic light just in front of them illuminates him, and for a second, Vernon is reminded of how he looks like whenever he ignites the lighter. His hair is a bit tousled now, various colors glinting off of his glasses, reflection on the car window still as beautiful as ever.
Seungkwan rests his hand on top of Vernon's, the gear shift vibrating gently. He doesn't look at Vernon, and Vernon tears his gaze away, focusing on the road as the light turns green.
"When's the wedding you guys are going to?"
Vernon asks, and the song on the radio switches into a different song, this time a song he does know - Artinb’s Her Room. Vernon starts humming the song, and Seungkwan taps his fingers to the beat of the song, over Vernon's knuckles.
"This Saturday."
"Are you hosting, too?"
"No, I think I'm letting Shua-hyung handle this one. Will you be free by then?"
"Yep. My Saturday's always free for you, Boo."
"So cheesy," Seungkwan says, shooting Vernon a cheeky smile. He knows Vernon means it, though, because it's the way things have always been. "But thank you."
"Anytime."
By the time Vernon drives them into a highway, he notices the way Seungkwan has slotted his fingers in the spaces between Vernon's, unobstructive and comforting as Vernon drives them home.
From the corner of his eyes, peeking for just a bit, he can see Seungkwan's reflection. His eyes are closed and his head is leaning on the window, street lights and Christmas lights serving as his backdrop. He is loosely holding his glasses in his other hand, expression relaxed and calm.
Vernon smiles, and he drives in the cozy silence all the way home.
-
Seungkwan is finishing up his skincare routine when Vernon knocks at and opens his door.
"What's up?"
Seungkwan stands from the floor, stowing away his bottles in the drawer. He pats the bed when he sits on it, and Vernon takes the invitation, striding to it and sitting down. He doesn't know why he's so nervous doing this, much more than how he was when he gave his lighter to Seungkwan. Seungkwan probably notices Vernon's pensiveness, because he puts a reassuring hand on Vernon's, smiling ever so slightly as he leans down and peers up.
"Sol."
Seungkwan whispers the personal nickname - a nickname no one else ever uses - and Vernon feels the anxiety bleed out of him, eyes meeting Seungkwan's. A squeeze on his hand gives him the last boost of confidence.
His other hand picks at Seungkwan's pastel blue bed sheet, before digging into his hoodie pocket and pulling out something. It's a sleek black case, thin and just big enough to fit his palm. Embellished on it is "33.4890° N, 126.4983° E", a small and simple print on the top right of the case. Seungkwan gasps, like he knows what's happening. He probably does.
"Boo," Vernon breathes out, thumb running over the coordinates imprinted on the case. "Can you keep this, for me?"
There's silence as Seungkwan leans in, chin on Vernon's shoulder, his other hand reaching down to caress the flawless cigarette case. It has been his birthday gift for Vernon when they were in second year college, and has since been one of Vernon's most prized possessions. No one else ever touched it, aside from Seungkwan, and Seungkwan rarely has a reason to do that.
"Sol," Seungkwan finally says, lips pressing hard in an effort to keep his voice stable. "Are you sure?"
Are you sure? Vernon plays it over his mind, trying to find if there's any ounce of hesitation, only to find - nothing. Just lightness. It doesn't feel like he's surrendering his coping mechanism to Seungkwan, and it doesn't feel like a big part of him is going to be missing for the majority of his days. It surprises him, really, that all that comes in his mind is relief.
"Yes."
He takes Seungkwan's hand, fingers sliding over his knuckles, before turning it, palm up. He exhales as he finally sets the case on Seungkwan's palm, the fit snug, like it belongs there.
Seungkwan stares at him, long and hard, and Vernon stares back, because he never looks away first. He studies the face he already knows like the back of his hand, from baby pictures to bad cropped hair to how he is now. Seungkwan does the same, before bringing the case close to his chest, exhaling. Vernon instinctively pulls him closer, arm around his shoulders, and Seungkwan tucks his head underneath Vernon's chin.
"Do you want to maybe sleep over here tonight?"
The question makes both of them pause, before tiny giggles erupt from both of them, bodies racked with so much laughter that they both fall backwards on the bed, legs still swinging on the edge. They both look at the ceiling, and think, nothing really changes. They still lay down on the bed, looking at a white ceiling, like how they have done countless times while growing up and sleeping over at each other's houses.
Vernon never says no, to Seungkwan, at least not no's that he truly means. He smiles at the ceiling, and if he thinks hard enough, he can imagine what Seungkwan looks like, also looking at the white ceiling. Hands probably clutching the cigarette case to his chest, like a lifeline.
"Yes," Vernon answers, because it's really the only answer he ever gives to Seungkwan.
-
Their alarms blare out at the same time, 5 O'Clock by T-Pain and STEP by KARA blending into an amalgamation of shocking noises.
Seungkwan stirs awake earlier than Vernon does, delicately reaching over to the nightstand, careful not to jostle around too much. Vernon's arms pull him closer just as he manages to snatch both of their phones, sleepily turning off the alarm. A small smile graces his face as he sees the matching wallpapers, taken from a restaurant they went to months ago.
Seungkwan hums when Vernon buries his face into the crook of Seungkwan's neck. The blanket comfortably covers them, the onset of a sunrise in the form of a cold, dark blue being the only source of light in the room.
"Do you need to go already?" Vernon asks, voice coming out muffled.
"No."
"Really?"
Seungkwan giggles at the hopeful tone from Vernon's voice. Vernon knows that he's always more expressive - more honest when he's sleepy, and he always uses their mornings to just be as close and affectionate as he could be.
"Yes, really."
"Good, great. Amazing."
Vernon drifts off, Seungkwan's gentle and drowsy laughter dragging him deeper into sleep. He curls himself around Seungkwan, legs tangling together. He can feel Seungkwan's heartbeat, his back to Vernon's chest, fitting together perfectly just like always.
"Sleep, Sol," Seungkwan quietly says, almost like a drawl.
"Sing to me."
"I'm sleepy too."
"Boo," Vernon whines, because he knows it's Seungkwan's weakness. He pulls back and bumps his forehead on the back of Seungkwan's head.
Seungkwan turns around, still in his arms, and there's a shock that comes with their foreheads against each other, this early in the morning. Vernon closes his eyes, because this way, he can spare his heart; Seungkwan chuckles before rubbing their noses together and repositioning them, Vernon now on his arm, curled into his chest. Ears on Seungkwan's heart, Vernon listens to the slow, calming beat of it.
"You're so spoiled. You're lucky I love you."
Vernon's breath hitches on his throat, just as the heartbeat he's listening to quickens just a little bit more. It matches his, he thinks, as he says, "I love you too."
This is the thing that's so hard about loving someone you've exchanged I love you's with since you were 14. One day, your I love you carries a different weight, and they say I love you too, because why wouldn't they? You never find the courage to ask Do you feel the difference and they never say if it's different, either, so you carry on. Vernon carries on.
Seungkwan softly sings him to sleep, a Taeyeon song Vernon can't name right now. Their hearts gradually slow down, and Vernon prays for time to do the same.
-
"The order of the day is love. Emotions. I'm sure you guys are excited about this."
Vernon finishes scrawling a big "LOVE" on the whiteboard, and puts the cap on his marker. As the class releases a series of oohs and hoots, he flashes them a gummy grin. He loves this part of the lesson, because students usually get hyper and interactive over this specific topic. It's to be expected; Cinema, Vernon finds out, is almost always rooted in love.
Film students are romantic, poetic. Sometimes, mostly tragic.
"We've covered a lot of films over the first four weeks of this semester. Would anyone be able to give me a film that conveys your own perspective of love?"
He walks around, giving his class time to think over their choices, letting the quiet murmurs of conversations continue. He can already hear a few titles; Some intense like The Handmaiden, and some a cult classic like Say Anything.
"It could be anything. It can be a romantic comedy, it can be a drama, anything."
A student finally raises her hand, and Vernon nods. "Yes, Siyeon?"
"Pulse, the one by Kiyoshi Kurosawa."
Vernon raises an eyebrow at the choice, but writes it down on the whiteboard nonetheless.
"Interesting. Can you please explain?"
"For me, love is the absence of loneliness. In Pulse, the horror comes from the eventual threat of coldness and abandonment, and Kurosawa pulls at our fear of loneliness in an overcrowded place, ultimately being ghosts."
"Oh, wow," Vernon says, and the class gives a round of applause. Siyeon gives a bow before sitting, a smile on her face.
"I never would've thought that a horror film like Pulse can be connected to an emotion such as love," Vernon smiles, drawing a line between Pulse and Love. "Thank you, Siyeon. Anyone else?"
A hand raises up.
"Yes, Sunoo?"
"Before Sunrise, by Richard Linklater."
The class descends into another chorus of ooh as Vernon nods in agreement, scribbling the movie on the whiteboard. "And why?"
"Love for me is finding a person who just fits," Sunoo starts, a shy smile on his face. "You could meet them at high school and grow up with them, or you could meet them in a random encounter like in the movie. No matter how you find them, you just know."
Seungkwan's face flashes in his mind, and Vernon can't stop the big grin that appears on his face as he writes it. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I think a lot of people feel this way. Thank you, Sunoo."
His students hone in on the opportunity of making their professor spill a story, and all hell broke loose.
"Are you in love, Professor Chwe?!"
"Spill spill spill!"
"Oh my god, I've never seen Sir Chwe smile like that?"
"When's the wedding?!"
Vernon laughs and tries to calm down his students, hands gesturing to them to quiet down.
"Alright, alright," As the students snicker and quiet down, he rounds around the teacher's table at the front and sits on it, addressing everyone. "Settle down, hm?"
"How about you, Professor Chwe? What movie would you pick?"
Vernon mulls over the question, before letting out an ahh and standing up to write a number on the whiteboard.
"2046, as you all know," He turns to address his students, "Is the third movie in Wong Kar-Wai's unofficial trilogy. It's the culmination of Mr. Chow's yearning and love for Li-Zhen. In it we watch him falling in and out of love with three other women across the years, both chasing and leaving them. In the end it was just him looking for parts of her in other people and ultimately never finding happiness, or true love."
"Is that what love is for you, Professor Chwe?"
Love, for him, is to be with no one else but Seungkwan, he realizes. He is always going to yearn for Seungkwan, finding little pieces of him in other people; unconsciously holding on to him no matter how hard he tries to separate himself from Seungkwan. For some reason, he's at peace with that fact, and he wonders if it's because he had known it all along.
It's either Seungkwan or no one else, and he's fine with that.
"Yeah," Vernon answers, smiling. "Falling in love with emotions so raw and so all-in, with one person. For example, falling in love with someone who knows every bit of you and accepts it - knows all your flaws and helps you get better and helps you stop your vices. Someone you're just so in tune with, someone you'd wake up early in the morning for, because they just make you so happy. Because you just love them, and you're willing to give everything to them. Even though ultimately, not being with them or losing them will crush you, you risk it all anyway, because they're worth it."
He sweeps his eyes over his students, giving them a grin.
"Isn't that what love is?"
-
Nonie
have i ever told you
that you make me so happy?
-
Seungkwan and Jeonghan are already outside the office when Vernon arrives, pulling up the brake and pressing the hazard button.
He steps out of the car, pressing the lock button and slipping in his hands in his hoodie pockets. He regrets not putting on a beanie as he feels how cold his ears are, nose scrunching up from the winter air. Seungkwan and Jeonghan are sitting on the steps of the building, actively chatting about something. As if sensing his presence, Seungkwan lifts his head up, eyes searching, before landing on Vernon.
"Nonie!"
Jeonghan looks over and they both stand up, approaching Vernon.
"Boo," He nods in greeting, "And hey, Jeonghan-hyung. How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine. Junnie and I are swamped with cases lately, though."
"I can only imagine. Is Prosecutor Choi still giving you a hard time?"
Jeonghan scrunches his face in irritation, and Vernon laughs.
"I'm still amazed you and Jun-hyung became lawyers."
"Now what is that supposed to mean?"
Jeonghan laughs alongside Vernon, and watches as Vernon takes Seungkwan's bag from him. They move with seemingly practiced ease, as Vernon catches up with Jeonghan; Vernon slings the bag over his shoulders and slips a hot can of coffee out of his hoodie, giving it to Seungkwan. Seungkwan lets out a small thank you as he tangles an arm around Vernon's.
He walks with them all the way back to the car. Vernon says something to Seungkwan, causing the older one to look at him in disbelief, both of them laughing at whatever he replied. Jeonghan has seen it happen thousands of times already, but it always amuses him whenever the two of them seemingly become so engrossed with each other. As if they're in their own bubble, forgetting about everything around them.
The car beeps as Vernon unlocks it, and Seungkwan smiles brightly at Jeonghan.
"Thanks for keeping me company, hyung."
"I wasn't here for you, Kwannie," Jeonghan teases, rewarded by an eyeroll. "But you're welcome."
"You and Shua-hyung take care, okay?"
Seungkwan hugs him tight, before giving a last wave and entering the car. Jeonghan opens his arms for a hug, and Vernon leans down to give it.
"Thanks for taking care of Boo, hyung."
"Always."
Jeonghan pulls back and studies the shy grin on Vernon, before saying, "You really do fit together perfectly."
"I know."
There's a certain twinkle in Vernon's eye when he says that, and it reassures Jeonghan enough to just make him shake his head and sigh.
"You know," Jeonghan slowly says, "He loves you."
"And I love him," Vernon quietly says, giving Jeonghan an oddly confident smile. "There will be a right time, hyung."
This time, Jeonghan is the one who rolls his eyes, waving at Vernon as if shooing him away. Vernon just laughs and opens the door, only to be greeted with Seungkwan's whiny complaints.
"Let's go already!"
"Yes, yes," Vernon says, slipping into the driver's seat, buckling up. "See you, hyung."
"See you."
The door shuts close, and Jeonghan nods as Seungkwan gives him a final wave through the window. He sees Seungkwan rub Vernon's cold ears just as the car starts moving, Vernon saying something that made Seungkwan laugh.
For some reason, he has a feeling that everything will be just fine.
"You make me happy too, by the way."
Seungkwan suddenly speaks, just as Vernon makes a turn. They're at their street, so close to their apartment, and Vernon's brain short-circuits, making him answer with a "What?"
"Your text earlier," Seungkwan explains, as they approach their unit, "You make me happy too. The happiest, even."
The car comes to a stop, their apartment just outside. Seungkwan looks at him, eyes twinkling like he's holding in a secret, and Vernon really, really wants to kiss him, right there.
"Yeah?" He asks, voice cracking, because he doesn't know what to do if nothing happens in the next few minutes.
"Yeah."
Seungkwan studies him for a bit, and Vernon feels vulnerable, but he doesn't hide. Instead, he looks back, and he only closes his eyes when Seungkwan cups his face. He holds Vernon like he's porcelain, and leans in to kiss his forehead.
I love you.
"Thank you," Seungkwan whispers. "For existing, Sol."
I love you.
"Thank you, too. For being in my life."
I love you.
"I wouldn't know what I'd do without you."
I love you.
"Neither do I."
Vernon opens his eyes, and Seungkwan looks at him in a way that makes his heart hurt, chest squeezing. In a way that feels a lot like love. Vernon knows he looks the same way.
He is about to say something when Seungkwan's phone suddenly starts ringing, Soonyoung's name displayed on the screen. They break apart from each other, and like every other moment of intimacy, Vernon can't help but think that something happened there. Something happened there and it will be a moment they will both carry for the rest of their lives.
For now, though, he kills the engine and laughs as Seungkwan shoots him an apologetic look, the call already declined.
"Let's go home."
They exit the car, Vernon holding Seungkwan's bag and Seungkwan holding the empty can. He rounds around the car and holds Vernon's free hand, as Vernon fishes around for their apartment key. He unlocks the door, and watches as Seungkwan toes off his shoes, turning on the lights and greeting an "I'm home".
Vernon smiles. Home.
-
"Hey, so. I need you to calm Kwannie down before we go to the hotel. Can you come here right now?"
The night before the wedding, Mingyu calls up Vernon at one in the morning. It's not a big deal, because Vernon is still awake, and they both know he's going to the hotel with Seungkwan anyway.
Seungkwan tends to panic the night before the weddings he oversees, the same way he used to panic the nights before he had to give a huge presentation. Vernon has lost count of how many times he held Seungkwan through all his anxiety, a quiet comfort amidst Seungkwan's doubts and insecurities. Holding Seungkwan's shaking form, or distracting him by taking him outside on walks or sudden roadtrips - Vernon would gladly do all of it, willing to drop everything at once.
Vernon is already pulling on a jacket, picking up the bag of essentials; he is going with them, anyway. He has grown used to how Seungkwan's work flows, with how many times he already tagged along to help.
"How is he?"
"He's just been pacing around, it's kind of driving everyone insane."
In the background, he hears Soonyoung yell a loud "For fuck's sake, sit down, Kwannie." Vernon can't help but snort when he hears Seungkwan's high pitched whine.
Mingyu hums. "See?"
"I'm on the way. Try to keep him from doing weird things."
"Of course, I'm not his best friend for nothing."
Vernon stops himself from retorting I'm his best friend, because now is not the time, and this has been a point of contention for years. It's friendly and amusing for the most part, and now he only chuckles whenever he remembers how much Mingyu used to legitimately piss him off.
Still, though, he doesn't want to lose, so he locks up the apartment and says, "Well, I'm the only one who can calm him down, how about that?"
All Mingyu could give is a bewildered laugh, before saying, "Why you little--"
"See you, hyung!"
He cackles as he ends the call abruptly, satisfied.
-
"Don't apologize."
Vernon says quickly, before Seungkwan can even say sorry. The older man pouts at him, fiddling with his seatbelt. Vernon can only shake his head and chuckle as he starts driving away from the building. They've done this routine countless times and it's something he wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Seungkwan starts relaxing as they drive down the streets; midnight drives are always calm, comforting. Briefly, Vernon reaches over and touches Seungkwan's hand, warm hands against cold skin.
"Let's go get snacks to wear off the nerves."
Seungkwan bites his lip, playing with Vernon's hand before letting it go when he needs to shift the gear.
"Okay."
"Our usual?"
"Mhm."
Vernon hums and lets the low sound of Tide by Woodz play in the car, opening the window and letting the breeze in. He smiles as he hears Seungkwan exhale, slightly perching his shoulder over the now open window. It's chilly, but not as cold as the previous days, and Vernon knew that Seungkwan needs it: a jolt, a calming sensation. The scenery passes by, a blur of reds and greens, and he finds more comfort as Seungkwan starts singing along to the song.
They stay like that, Vernon giving Seungkwan his space and silence, only reaching over to hold his hand now and then. He knows Seungkwan better than anyone; briefly, he considers the thought that he devoted his youth to Seungkwan. Knowing him, in all his beauty and weirdness, all his emotions and insecurities - having had memorized every single beauty mark, every tiny lilt and change in his tone. A wave of affection hits him because, with that conclusion, also comes the realization that Seungkwan did the same, for him.
He parks the car at the convenience store near their old school, and Seungkwan hands over his wallet. Vernon takes it as a sign that Seungkwan didn't want to go in with him, even though he was unbuckling his seatbelt and stretching, a grunt coming out of him.
"Any snacks you want in particular?"
Seungkwan shakes his head, before bumping his head against Vernon's shoulder. "You choose, Nonie."
"Aight."
He cradles Seungkwan's head for a bit, palm fitting the curve of his face perfectly, dropping a comforting kiss on his forehead.
"I'll be back."
He places down four cans of coffee and a few packs of biscuits on the counter, waiting as the cashier rings the items in.
The bright fluorescent lights of the convenience store hurt his eyes, making him sort of regret not wearing his glasses. There's only three other people in the store; one of them stuck at the shelf that holds the chips, and the other two are sitting by the window, eating Nongshim ramyun and talking in hushed whispers. It reminds him of college; days of drowsily sitting in this very same convenience store, working on his thesis as Seungkwan nags at him to go home and sleep.
"That would be 6000 won."
The cashier's voice pulls him back, and he takes out Seungkwan's wallet, opening it and taking out the bills, handing it over to the waiting cashier.
He steps aside as the cashier puts his items in the bag, and he notices that Seungkwan is still using the same wallet he had from high school: A thin, brown wallet, square and simple. Its age shows, with its fraying edges and faded leather.
The white paper Vernon remembers is a bit different - his memory of it hasn't been the best, since it's been so long since he saw the inside of Seungkwan's wallet. The paper tucked in the photo pocket is showing the same signs of age; like an old book's pages, the edges tinged with brown.
Vernon squints at it.
Maybe he shouldn't, because it's not his business, but his curiosity overtakes him as his fingers lift the photo pocket. His index finger slides the paper a little bit upwards, inching it out, and his breath stops as an actual photo being hidden by the paper slowly reveals itself. His throat feels constricted, unsure at the push and pull of his thoughts, nerves in a haywire; his mind blanks out, fingers moving by themselves as he pulls out the paper, the picture Seungkwan hiding with it now showing in all its glory, and Vernon finds himself looking at -
Himself.
Himself.
He stares at the image, eyes wide and heart stuck in his throat. It's his picture from their high school graduation, polaroid a little faded, his forehead showing a bump that he got when he fell down the stairs the day before. Next to him, the younger Seungkwan had a peace sign held up. Their smiles match each other's, and Vernon feels like his world just suddenly stops.
He gulps, the weight and implications of this coiling around him, warming him up even if the convenience store feels like a goddamn freezer. His fingertips feel like they're frostbitten, and he remembers the old white paper he is holding. He presses his lips together and unfolds it, staring at it before letting out a laugh - loud enough to attract the attention of everyone else, as he sees what the paper is.
It's a chunk of paper torn out from a notebook, obviously in haste. On the paper, Vernon recognizes the handwriting he had when he was in high school, messy and scrawled, the ink old yet still readable.
It says, you have a nice voice.
Seungkwan kept it - he kept the note Vernon slid to him years ago, in music class, when Vernon noticed him being crestfallen. The music teacher ripped apart Seungkwan's Jeju accent after he sang a verse for the class. Vernon remembers how he ripped the paper from his journal, impulsively writing down the words; How he reached over, hand unsurely tapping at Seungkwan's shoulder. The smile Seungkwan sent him after he read the paper.
He tries to blink away his tears - he hasn't cried in years - but the relief and the fondness that made itself home in him grew. It grew and grew, even when the cashier reluctantly adds a tissue in the paper bag - even when the couple by the window averts their eyes.
It grew and grew, like how it always does for Seungkwan. He cries, and he thinks, this is the happiest I've ever been.
-
Seungkwan is standing outside of the car when Vernon finally walks back.
The windows are still rolled down, and the red and blue neons of the convenience store blankets over the scene, like a coloring. Vernon stands for a bit, watching Seungkwan; he is leaning on the hood of the car, looking up at the sky. The wind messes up his brown hair, and Vernon's heart swells with love as he sees how serene Seungkwan looks. Under the clashing neons and tender moonlight, Seungkwan looks at peace, like he just belongs there.
He wordlessly walks closer, leaning across the window and putting the paper bag inside the car. Frank Ocean's Nights is playing through the car radio, volume just loud enough to hear it outside the car. When he carefully leans back, he looks over just to see Seungkwan looking at him, eyes soft and tender and.
Vernon just really loves Seungkwan, is the thing.
So he says, "I love you."
Emotions flicker through Seungkwan - momentary shock, only for it to melt into affection, into understanding, into something much more sacred that Vernon can't ever describe.
"I love you, too."
Wind passes by them, colder and much harsher than earlier, and Vernon pulls Seungkwan to him, arms winding around his shoulder. Seungkwan easily wraps his own around Vernon's waist, and they sway side to side, like their own rendition of a waltz, in the middle of the convenience store's parking lot. The I love you feels different, but Vernon doesn't feel like now is the time to ask. He doesn't feel rushing, either because - because now, he's older, wiser, no longer a teenager. A kidult, maybe. He can wait, he thinks, until it comes up. He can wait, because all this time, they've both been waiting, and there's nothing wrong with letting things happen on their own.
There will be a right time, he said to Jeonghan, and Vernon thinks that everything is right when it comes to Seungkwan.
"Do you remember the first time I caught you smoking?"
Vernon laughs into Seungkwan's hair, feeling warm even when the winter cold is starting to make itself apparent.
"Where was it? Um, underneath--"
"Underneath the bleachers, yeah--"
"I had brown hair back then, right?"
"Yeah, and you were huddled at the corner--"
"It's so I wouldn't get caught."
"I caught you though. And then I took your cigarette."
"Yeah, you took it," Vernon sighs lightly, cheek comfortably pressed against the side of Seungkwan's head. "You took it and breathed it in so hard you had a coughing fit. It almost gave me a heart attack, seeing you cough that hard. Tearing up and everything."
Seungkwan laughs, muffled by Vernon's shoulder. Nights fades into Taylor Swift's Coney Island, and he feels Seungkwan's arms around his waist tighten.
"It hurt like hell," Seungkwan slowly says, like he's confessing something. Maybe he is. "And by all means, I should have been panicking but…"
He trails off, and Vernon waits. Because he can wait for as long as Seungkwan needs; he waits and spins them both around in a tiny twirl, giggling at Seungkwan's tiny yelp.
"Honestly, at that moment, all I could think of was that I indirectly kissed you."
Vernon closes his eyes, heartbeat accelerating, and he hugs Seungkwan tighter, almost impossibly close. Seungkwan does the same, like he's matching Vernon, hands clutching at the back of Vernon's jacket, face feeling hot against the skin on Vernon's neck. It feels right, and nothing changes, because Vernon has always just been like this: Quite in love, all-in and risking everything, all for Seungkwan.
"I'll count that as my first kiss," Vernon says, voice shaky. He doesn't try to stabilize it. "Never mind that I've yet to kiss anyone except for that one time in Jeonghan-hyung's stupid truth or dare."
Seungkwan giggles, embarrassed and happy - Vernon could tell, because he's shaking too, and it's not from the cold. Vernon is looking past the horizon, the trees a black shadow against the 2 AM skies.
"We did kiss though, remember? At the library."
"Really?"
Vernon remembers; Of course he does, but something about the memory being reminisced by Seungkwan makes the memory way more vivid. The images pop in his mind, like fireworks against the darkest skies, begging to be noticed.
"Yes - Sol, I can't believe you don't remember--"
"I'm just kidding, I remember it. It's at the very back, by the newspapers."
"It was so dusty."
"It was," Vernon agrees, "It was, and all you said was 'Can I kiss you?'"
"And all you said was 'Okay.'"
Vernon laughs at that, because this particular memory is still so vivid in his mind. He said okay, because he was fifteen and absolutely in love with Seungkwan.
He was fifteen, and Seungkwan was taller than him, but just as awkward, lanky; they were hidden by the oak shelves, the dusty newspaper section just next to them. It was after class, and the 5PM sunset made itself known through the window behind him, as he faces Seungkwan - Hair black, eyes wide, orange and violets and everything Vernon never really managed to forget across the years.
The quiet kiss, the soft smile - Vernon remembers all of it.
"Sol."
"Hm?"
Seungkwan tugs at his jacket twice, and he uncurls himself, looking down to meet Seungkwan's watery eyes. He chuckles as he wipes away the tears.
"Can I kiss you?"
Yes, Vernon thinks, feeling his own eyes water. This is the lightest he has been for years.
"Okay."
The song shifts, something that sounds like Pink Sweats. Vernon smiles and closes his eyes as Seungkwan stands on his tippy toes, arms wiggling to circle around Vernon's shoulders, pulling him down so their lips will meet halfway.
It was everything - a decade, soft and tender, and the butterflies in his stomach makes him feel like they're fifteen and in at the back of the library, all over again.
Over and over again, Vernon doesn't mind. Seungkwan pulls back just to give him a grin. Vernon matches it with his own, before dipping his head down to kiss Seungkwan - all over again.
-
"We're almost done, Mingyu-hyung just wanted some snacks before the wedding starts."
Seungkwan holds up his phone to his ear as he double-checks the wedding venue, directing the staff placing the last few flowers along the church.
"I miss you already," Seungkwan whines, playing with one of the pink roses by the aisle. "Come back soon."
"I miss you too, Boo, of course-- Hyung, what--"
"Move already," Mingyu's voice suddenly becomes more coherent, and Seungkwan laughs. "I fucking swear, you guys are more annoying now that you're actually officially together."
"You're just jealous."
"Shut up, Vernon, just pay already -- You know what, give me that."
"I can handle it!"
Seungkwan listens to their banter, amused, walking outside and leaning on one of the pillars. All anxiety and nerves from the night before is gone, replaced with unbridled happiness and excitement. The feeling of Vernon's lips against his still haunts him, in a good way. He can't help but touch his lips, a bashful smile on it.
"Oh my god, Seungkwan!"
Mingyu's exclamation snaps him out of his trance, and Seungkwan blinks and immediately answers, "What? What happened?"
Mingyu's laughter becomes louder as Vernon's protests become quieter, and Seungkwan guesses that Mingyu took the phone from Vernon. He listens intently.
"Vernon has a new wallet," Mingyu guffaws, giddy, and Seungkwan's heart skips a beat.
"This one has a photo pocket, and it has your photo in it."