Chapter Text
The sun was streaming through the trees, brightening up Castiel’s cabin and filling the entire area with that kind of weightless light which only ever seemed to come when the sun was low in the sky, only happening in the summer early in the morning, or late at night. The patches of sky Castiel could see between the trees were cloudless and that perfect shade of light blue which barely felt real, like a three year old painted it, rather than it being the real sky. It was what most people would count as a perfect day.
Castiel on the other hand, was only out of bed and seeing that day, for one reason.
That reason was currently driving up his driveway, her ugly yellow Gremlin reflecting the sun and blinding Castiel as he stood on his front porch with a mug of black coffee, waiting for her. He had a frown on his face, not sure whether he was more annoyed at being awake at this time of morning, or if he was annoyed about being awake full stop, but he needed the supplies and Charlie had a job to get to, so for her to complete the forty minute drive, help him unpack everything, and then get back in time to start work, she needed to come early.
Charlie was Castiel’s best friend. Actually, she was pretty much his only friend by now, but that was a separate issue. They had been friends for years, since when they were just little kids who lived in the local town and only ever took the drive to the forest to have picnics. Back when Castiel was learning basic magic and Charlie was learning to shift and they used to discuss what kind of person they were going to be bonded to in the future.
They don’t talk about that now, not since Castiel had moved out to the forest, living the recluse life with only Charlie for company when she brought him supplies.
It was best like this. It was best he was alone.
“Morning Castiel!” Charlie called with a grin as she leaped out of her car, practically throwing herself into Castiel’s arms to give him a hug, nearly sending his coffee flying. It was only the fact he’d been expecting the hug which saved his drink. Castiel grumbled - like he always did - but begrudgingly hugged the smaller familiar back.
“Hello Charlie,” he replied, his throat sore from disuse. He took a sip of his coffee, hoping to soothe it, but no one’s ever raved about coffee for it’s healing benefits, so predictably it did very little. When was the last time he spoke? Probably last time Charlie had come to visit him. She always wanted to come more, but Castiel refused. She had her own life to live, and Castiel had his life to sleepwalk through. It would be stupid for Charlie to waste her life trying to help Castiel with his meaningless one. When Cas had first moved into his cabin, before he got used to the quiet, he had talked to everything. He talked to himself, the plants, the insects and the animals. Now he was used to it so he hardly talked at all, allowing the silence to fill the empty corners of his cabin and barely even noticing how quiet things got at night when all the animals went to sleep.
Barely.
He would be lying if he said he wasn’t lonely, or if he didn’t admit that sometimes he wished to hear voices other than Charlie’s, or recorded people from the internet. Even then he didn’t watch videos very often, the Wi-Fi in the forest wasn’t bad, Castiel just couldn’t find the energy within himself to look. To see what the outside world was like, away from the safety of his cabin. The laptop Charlie had brought him one day was to help them keep in touch, and nine times out of ten it wasn’t for anything more. It was only on his weakest days that he used his laptop for anything else, normally he just read to pass the time. However when he did use the laptop, he was actually able to. Castiel wouldn’t say he was a computer genius, but he could find his way around it and knew more than you’d expect from someone who lived in the middle of a forest.
But he was alone for a reason, and not even a tiny bit of loneliness was going to change that.
“How’re you doing today?” Charlie asked with a wide smile which was only slightly strained. Castiel knew that she struggled, it hurt her to see how Castiel lived, she just wanted the best for him and refused to believe him when he said that this was what was best for him.
“I’m doing okay,” Castiel answered, at least partially truthfully. There was a hollow silence hanging between them, Charlie clearly wanted Castiel to elaborate, but Castiel was not going to say anything more. The more detail he gave, the more holes Charlie would pick in it and say he was lying.
And maybe he was, but that wasn’t the point and Castiel was not going to admit that.
“Hmm,” Charlie hummed after an uncomfortable minute, sounding highly disbelieving. She didn’t ask him again, like some people might have, instead she just gestured to Castiel’s face, probably his eyes if Castiel had to give an exact location. “Nightmares?”
Castiel sighed loudly. He didn’t even know why he ever thought he could pretend to be 100% fine with Charlie. Even if she never found the whole truth, she always picked up on the little details. That was probably why she was such a good computer programmer, but it didn’t exactly help Castiel’s situation.
“A few,” he muttered, trying to play it off as not a big thing. He didn’t say any more, if Charlie wanted details she could drag them out of him, he wasn’t going to say any more by choice.
“Castiel!” Charlie complained, standing right in front of him as though she thought she could intimidate him into realising this wasn’t okay. It wasn’t like he didn’t already realise that, he just didn’t care. “You’re still having nightmares? Regularly?”
Castiel shrugged awkwardly, a quiet “most nights,” slipping out before he could stop himself. Damn Charlie and her puppy dog eyes! Her other form wasn’t even a dog, and he was fairly sure foxes weren't known for their very innocent expressions, but that had never stopped her before and he doubted it would any time in the future.
“Castiel! You need help! Locking yourself away will not make this better! You need to talk to someone, by this point it could be anyone, you just need to talk!” She practically shouted at him, clearly more worried about his mental state than he was. In his opinion it didn’t matter what happened to him, but Charlie more than disagreed with that.
“Look, I’m fine,” Castiel sighed, “Can you please just help me with those supplies.” He gestured to Charlie’s car, reminding her why she was even here and hopefully changing the subject onto a topic they don’t argue about basically every time Charlie came over.
“Yeah, alright, come on,” Charlie sighed, going to the car and grabbing a few bags to take inside. It took them a few minutes to get all the bags inside the cabin and Castiel was overjoyed to see more coffee grounds within one of the bags he was carrying in. He’d been running out and wasn’t sure how he would have survived without it.
“Alright, I’ll help unpack,” Charlie announced with a crack of her knuckles. She’d done this enough times, and Castiel had never rearranged stuff, so she knew where everything went and with her help Cas had everything put away twice as quickly as he would have without her. Maybe even quicker than that, as her energy levels were a lot higher than Castiel’s.
By the time they finished the kitchen was clear and everything was in its place, even some potion ingredients which Castiel had seen Charlie sneak into the old spell cabinet, even though Castiel knew - and had told her a million times - that he would never use them. She was convinced that even though his magic was bound, he could still do spell work as long as he stuck to potions. Castiel had grown bored of trying to explain that he didn’t want to make potions, her innocent ‘just in case’ able to ruin any arguments he had. Just in case. Just in case of what? What could possibly happen that would require him to need to use magic, instead of just doing things the human way?
“Thanks for the help Charlie,” Castiel said honestly as he folded the last shopping bag, piling them on the table for Charlie to take back home with her, it wasn’t like he had any use for shopping bags, even if they were bags for life. The silence of the kitchen told him that he was alone and Castiel couldn’t help but wonder how he hadn’t heard her leave. Either she was extremely sneaky or Castiel needed to stop zoning out. With an annoyed sigh Castiel spun on his heels, walking through his cabin slowly, looking for his friend.
He found her in his living room, staring sadly at her surroundings. Castiel didn’t know why, it wasn’t like the room was that bad, in fact Castiel thought it was the coziest room in his entire cabin, but either Charlie didn’t agree or something else was upsetting her.
“What’s up?” he asked softly, walking forwards to stand next to her. She was shifting from one foot to the other, like she knew what she was about to say was going to annoy him, but she was going to say it anyway. Castiel could tell that her ears would be twitching if she was in her animal form, her tail probably swishing from side to side in agitation as well.
“You need to get out of here,” she said, turning to face Castiel, certainty filling her eyes, “You don’t have to move out, just come into town from time to time, get a job,” Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but Charlie held up her hand to stop him, “yes I know your parents trust fund keeps you financially stable, but you need a job for the social part. You need to talk to people, you need friends.”
Castiel waited a moment, making sure Charlie was finished before he started talking, “What brought this on?” Every single point Charlie had made today, had been made a million times in the past - except for the job one, that one was new - so Castiel didn’t bother replying to those points. He would just be saying what he’d said every other time and no one likes repeating themselves that many times. Well, that had never stopped Charlie, but Charlie was different. She cared enough about Castiel to spout the same stuff a million times.
“Your cabin,” Charlie said helplessly, raising her arms to gesture to the room around them, “nothing has changed since I was last here, everything is in the exact same place, everything is the same as before.”
Castiel looks around the room, clearly not seeing the same thing as Charlie was, because he couldn’t see any problems. “So? I haven’t redecorated, that’s not a big thing.”
“Nothing has changed, you are just doing the same things over and over,” Charlie growls, her fox voice bleeding into her human one due to her high emotions, “This is no way to live! You’re my best friend! I can’t just sit back and let you live like this. You’re twenty five years old! You should be out there enjoying life, not stuck in a cabin which looks exactly the way it did when you first moved in.” There were actual tears spilling from her eyes and Castiel could feel his heart give a painful squeeze. He hadn’t wanted to hurt Charlie, he never wanted to hurt Charlie, he just needed to be alone.
“I can’t,” Castiel murmured, his voice breaking slightly. If he stayed he hurt Charlie, yet he couldn’t go either. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, no way to turn, no direction to go. “I- I can’t go.”
Charlie nodded, like she had expected that answer but it hurt anyway. “It’s okay Castiel, I understand,” she said, wiping her tears even as her voice trembled, “I’ll be back soon, text me if you need anything.”
Castiel watched helplessly as Charlie walked back to the kitchen, grabbing her bags before leaving his cabin. She climbed back into her car, waving out the window once before she started her engine and disappeared down the drive.
He had to stay, it wasn’t a choice, it wasn’t something he could change.
His heart hurt as he turned back to his cabin, walking to his room and climbing into his bed fully clothed, too drained to undress even slightly. His eyes stung with unshed tears and the pain in his chest from the binding flared up once more, his magic reacting to the ruins trapping it inside and stopping him from using it.
He didn’t know how much longer he could do this, how much longer he could survive on his own, isolated in the forest with the weight of his memories crushing him and the burning of his magic threatening to burn him alive.
He didn’t know how much longer he could do this, yet the only reaction he had to that realisation was a soft smile. It was good, he didn’t deserve much longer. He didn’t deserve to be happy.