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The first time was an accident more than anything else - or, at least, that was what Maki told herself.
She had been scrolling too fast through her contact list, strung out on too much coffee and not enough sleep, and her finger slipped. That was all. Just a coincidence, a twist of fate. Nevermind that she had let the phone ring a whole three times before snapping out of it.
By the time she cancelled the call, it was too late. In the two minutes of panic that followed, she allowed herself the hope that maybe her mishap had escaped attention. Just as she was beginning to relax, however, the phone buzzed.
She knew who it was, but the name on the display made her stomach turn over anyway.
Don’t answer. Just make up some excuse and text her later. But her treacherous thumb slid the green circle on the screen to the left. With a trembling hand, she lifted the phone up to her ear and said nothing.
“Hello? Maki?” The voice on the other end crossed oceans of time in one painful heartbeat.
Nico Yazawa sounded the same as she ever did.
“Uh, hello? I know you’re there, I can hear you breathing. It’s creepy.”
The admonishment cut through Maki’s stunned silence, and she flushed automatically. When she cracked open her lips, her throat was dry and scratchy.
“H-Hi,” she croaked.
“Hey! You called? What’s up?”
With difficulty, Maki managed to regain a modicum of control over her frazzled nerves. “N-Nothing. Sorry, I tapped on the wrong number. I meant to call someone else.”
There was a harsh rash of static as Nico huffed through the phone. “That’s rude! And here I was thinking Maki wanted to catch up, since she’s a butt and hasn’t talked to me in forever. Don’t you miss Nico-chan?”
Yes, whispered a corner of her mind. “I talk in the chat all the time,” her mouth said instead. “You’re in there too, you know.”
“Yeah, but Rin and Honoka send like 10 texts a second between them.”
Maki chuckled at that, despite her anxiety. Even after they all became adults, the μ’s members had kept up their old groupchat from high school. Maki didn’t always have the time to read all the messages in there, but it was still nice to have an insight into her friends’ daily lives.
“So? What’s new with you? Who were you calling?”
Maki glanced at the clock on the wall of her living room. She really shouldn’t indulge in a long conversation, but Nico was right. It had been too long; the last time had been during a group video call for New Years, and even then, it had been with everyone else.
Now that she thought about it, she wasn’t sure if she ever talked with Nico one-on-one since starting university.
She sank onto the couch, curling up against the arm, and hugged her knees. “Just a classmate,” she answered. “I have a group project due next week.”
“Ew, group project. The worst.” Maki was inclined to agree with the sentiment. “Has school been busy?”
Busy was an understatement. “Kinda, yeah.” She ran her fingers through her hair, doing her best to push away the mounting pre-finals stress. “Tests are coming up, so I’ve just been studying.”
“Well, make sure you take plenty of breaks too. Maki’s a super genius so you’ll do fine!”
“Thanks… What have you been up to?”
“A lot!” Nico exclaimed eagerly, as if she had been waiting to be asked. “My agent booked me more gigs, and I’m going to be meeting with my producer tomorrow about some potential recordings…”
A smile - maybe the first genuine one in months - spread over Maki’s face as she sank back against plush cushions and let Nico’s chatter wash over her. It was so easy to settle into the same rhythm again, the same familiar warmth that spread like a bloom of sunlight in her chest. Years might have passed, but some things never changed.
“That’s great,” Maki said, when Nico finished. “I’m really, really happy for you, Nico.”
“Thanks! I’m happy for me, too.” Nico’s typical smugness, so annoying to Maki when they were in high school, now only made her laugh. “Hey, when are you coming back to visit, huh? I - I mean, we all miss your adorable face.”
She tried not to read too hard into the word adorable. “I don’t know. My parents have been pestering me for weeks, but travelling to Tokyo is such a hassle.”
“Um, excuse me? Kyoto isn’t even that far away.”
It really wasn’t. But Maki’s mind made the kilometers stretch out until they seemed infinite. She was the only one of their friends to move to a different region of Japan, and even the best medical education she could ever receive did not alleviate the distinct sensation of complete isolation she experienced. She dreaded going back in a way she could not articulate.
“I know. I’ll try to make it for spring vacation.”
“Ooh, but it’d suck to miss the sakura season over there! Hey, I should visit you. Wouldn’t Nico-chan look so cute in a kimono under a cherry blossom tree? You could be my photographer!”
Maki couldn’t help but picture it. Her heart skipped a beat.
“You’re always welcome to drop by,” she said, as casually as she could manage, even though the mere thought of it spurred a storm of confusion within her.
“Maybe I will,” mused Nico. “Maybe I will.”
They talked for a little while longer, about their friends and their lives and their families. Eventually, though, the tick of the clock became too accusing to ignore. With a heavy sigh, Maki interrupted Nico mid-story as she recounted her first meeting with Hanayo’s new pet rabbit.
“Sorry, I really want to keep talking. But the project deadline is coming up and one of my group members still hasn’t turned in his data.”
“Oh, crap, yeah! No worries.” She imagined Nico waving a dismissive hand. “It was nice to catch up.”
“Yeah, it really was.” Maki really hoped the other girl could make out her sincerity. “I had fun.”
There were a few breaths of silence before Nico cleared her throat. “You’re… taking care of yourself, right? Eating, sleeping?”
By the way she was asking, it was almost as if Nico could see the bags under Maki’s eyes.
“Yeah, I am.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, Maki told herself. She was definitely eating and sleeping. It just wasn’t nearly as frequently as it was supposed to be.
“Okay. I know you push yourself way too hard sometimes, so I just wanted to check.” Another pause, then more awkwardly, “And… you know you can call anytime, right? Just, if you want to, I mean.”
Maki bit her lip. “...I know. Thanks.” She didn’t trust herself to say anything more.
“Well… Good luck on your project! Talk to you later?”
“Yup. Bye.”
The beep of the call ending reverberated in Maki’s ears long after she hung up. She stared at the screen numbly, replaying the conversation over and over.
She had thought that time and distance was enough to bury the shapeless, frantic feelings of her teenage years, but in the end, it only took a single phone call for them to resurface.
And the worst thing was - she didn’t even mind.
-
The second time was easier, because it didn’t catch Maki by surprise, and because she had a good reason.
Nico picked up on the first ring. “Maki?”
Maki didn’t even bother with a greeting. “Congratulations,” she blurted. “I saw the news.”
“Oh my gosh, thank youuu!” Even over the phone she could feel Nico preening. This was a special occasion, though, so Maki was okay with feeding her ego. “It was so hard trying to keep it a secret, I was dying. You’re gonna buy it, right?!”
Maki smirked. “What, no free copies for your friends?”
“Look, I know you’re rich, you can afford a damn 5000 yen album -”
She laughed, pleased with how easy it was to get a rise out of Nico. “I’m joking, I’m joking. I already pre-ordered it.”
“Oh.” Nico actually sounded taken aback, but she recovered quickly. “Aw, Maki likes me that much?”
“What? N-No!” She registered too late that Nico was snickering on the other end of the line, and she felt foolish. Stupid, how a mere joke could throw her off so easily.
“But seriously. Thanks for calling.” And just like that, Nico dropped the act again. “It means a lot.”
Maki let herself rejoice inwardly for just a few seconds before changing the subject. “Guess you’ll be a lot busier the next few months, huh?”
“Yup! We’ve got a whole tour lined up and everything. It’s gonna be amazing. And crazy.”
“Well, don’t forget us little people when you’re famous, okay?”
Nico played along. “I’ll never forget my biggest fan. In fact…” Her tone turned conspirational. If they were speaking in person, she might have been leaning in closer. “Since Maki-chan’s such a huge simp -”
“A what?”
“- Nico will even give her some special service! How about some more regular phone calls with yours truly?”
It was such a bizarre notion that Maki didn’t totally comprehend the offer at first. She frowned, wondering if it was just another joke. The silence stretched long enough that Nico hastened to explain herself.
“I-It’s not a big deal. I just figured, you know, it’d be cool to talk more often. Because you never text! And I know Maki’s lonely and has no friends, so really I’m doing you a favor, here.”
“I have friends,” Maki said automatically, though her brain was still working overtime attempting to piece together this sudden turn of events.
“Uh huh, sure.” Nico’s skepticism was subtle enough to be only mildly offensive. “But…” Through the mic, a sharp intake of breath. “You wouldn’t mind anyway, right? Just, to catch up more than like, once a year.”
Maki tapped a nail against the back of her phone and bit her lower lip. As always, she couldn’t understand Nico’s intentions. Why now, after all this time? And was she doing this for any of their other friends? Or was Maki… special?
Did it even matter?
Maki nodded before she even realized what she was going to say. “Okay. As long as you have time.” She was thankful that her voice was a lot more stable than she felt.
“Great… Great.” Nico exhaled heavily, as if she had been holding her breath. Then, with more of her usual bravado, “I mean, who would turn down a chance to talk to a star? Maki should consider herself lucky!”
The tension in Maki’s shoulders dissipated as she threw back a sharp retort, and they swung back into the same, joking bickering they knew so well. It was another hour until they hung up, and when they finally did, Maki’s cheeks ached from smiling. She spent the rest of the day in an abnormally cheerful mood, but it wasn’t until far later that she realized why.
It was the first time in a long time she had something to look forward to.
-
The third time was a redial, and Nico wasn’t alone.
“Hello? Can you hear me? Sorry, we just went into a tunnel, and the connection cut.”
“I can hear you fine.” Maki settled back onto the couch and took another sip of her coffee. “Where are you guys now?”
“Just passing into Saitama! There’s a lot of traffic for some reason so - Hey!” Nico yelped mid-sentence, and there was some muffled rustling. Maki had a good idea of what was happening, so she just waited patiently. She was not surprised at all when a completely different voice addressed her.
“It’s 500 yen per minute if you want to keep talking to my client.”
“Oh, is that the going rate? Guess I’ll hang up.”
Nozomi Tojo’s soft, familiar giggle emanated from the speakers of her phone. “She says she won’t pay,” Maki heard her report, and in the background, she could just make out the sound of Nico’s outraged exclamations.
While Maki’s relationship with Nico had been tumultuous at best back in high school, Nozomi had always gotten along with her. After graduation, Nozomi attended the same university as Eli, but she never stopped actively assisting in Nico’s efforts to make it in the entertainment world. She had juggled being a student and being Nico’s agent with grace, and ever since she graduated they have worked hand-in-hand. Case in point, they were now apparently on a trip to the next prefecture over to check out a new venue.
If Maki could ever be honest with herself, she would admit she was a little bit jealous.
“So? I hear you and Nico have been talking a lot lately.”
“...We’re friends.”
“Aren’t we friends, too?” the other woman asked sweetly. “Where’s Eli’s and my weekly phone call?”
Maki had no answer for that; she only blushed. She loved Nozomi as much as she loved all the other members of μ’s, but God she had some annoying habits.
Thankfully, the former student council vice president decided to finish up her teasing.
“University treating you well?”
Maki couldn’t hold back a sigh. “Yeah, it’s… it’s going okay. The usual. How’re you and Eli?”
“Oh, we’re doing fine. Eli’s enjoying her new office very much. But don’t change the subject. What’s wrong?”
Maki sighed even louder, this time in exasperation. “Nothing! I’ve just been really busy with schoolwork. That’s literally it.” She wound a thick coil of hair around one finger as she recalled all the pages she still had left to read before the weekend was over. “It’s just tiring. Sometimes. And it helps to talk to - to someone about it.” Nico’s name, left unsaid, weighed heavily between them like the world’s smallest elephant.
“I see,” Nozomi hummed, and Maki regretted revealing even that much.
“Will you pass the phone back to Nico?”
“Sure,” came the cheerful reply, but just as Maki thought herself in the clear, Nozomi fired off a parting jab. “You should tell her how you feel. I think she’d be really happy to hear that.”
“Nozomi -”
“Okay, bye! Don’t be a stranger!” Maki didn’t even have a chance to protest. The phone was handed off, and Nico’s high-pitched voice greeted her burning ears.
“Tell who how you feel?” the singer demanded without ceremony. “What were you guys talking about?”
Maki groaned and buried her face in her free hand. The next time she saw Nozomi, she was going to kill her.
-
The fourth time was because Nico was late.
The calls had become a routine. Every week, Maki sat down in her living room and laid her phone on the coffee table. She studied until the screen lit up, and she would linger over Nico’s profile picture on the display, letting the line ring exactly three times before answering. She wasn’t sure how Nico found the hour or so in between recording sessions, meetings, and voice training lessons, but they were able to schedule a call every week without fail.
So when it was twenty minutes past their agreed-upon time, Maki started getting worried. She tried to distract herself by scrolling through her sparsely populated social media feeds, but she couldn’t stop speculating about what could possibly be holding Nico up.
Was she busy? Was she stuck in traffic? Were the trains delayed? Did something happen? Maki checked her texts for the twentieth time in as many minutes, looking for clues. Her last message to Nico had been left unread, so maybe her phone was just dead or something. There had to be some perfectly reasonable explanation. Nico would call at any moment.
Maki bit her lip and hit dial before she could think better.
The phone rang and rang, and Maki pulled at the ends of her hair until her scalp prickled with pain. She wasn’t sure what she would even do if Nico didn’t pick up. Leave a message? Stupid idea. She should’ve just texted again.
She was just on the verge of cutting the call when it abruptly connected. She almost dropped her phone at the sound of Nico’s voice.
“Heey, sorry I’m so late! Just give me a second - I’ve had the worst day -”
It was mortifying, how instantly the tight ball of anxiety in Maki’s chest loosened, how quickly she relaxed. She listened in contentment as Nico fumbled at the other end of line. A door opened and closed, and there was some more rustling.
“Oh God, finally.” Nico groaned into the receiver. “Remind me to never take the Yamanote during rush hour ever again.”
“Duly noted,” Maki said with mock solemnity despite the grin that had spread over her face. “Welcome home.”
“Thanks! Sorry I didn’t text.”
“It’s fine.” And everything was fine, now that they were calling. “What happened?”
“Ugh. Hold on, I am absolutely going to need a drink for this.” She took an audible sip while Maki wondered whether she meant drink in an alcoholic way. It was looking more and more like there was a good and proper story behind all this, and Maki readied herself for something wild and hilarious.
But, as it turned out, she was totally unprepared for what came next.
“Okay, so the reason why I’m late - I just came back from the worst date ever.”
The world seemed to grind to a halt. Maki froze, the words echoing through her mind but not making any sense at all.
Nico kept talking, unaware of the violent turmoil she had started in Maki’s stomach. “First, she kept on making these really passive-aggressive comments just because I showed up a few minutes late. And then I was trying to be friendly and asked her a lot about herself, but she just kept on giving me one-word answers! Like, hello, do you not know how to make conversation? And you know what the worst part is?”
Maki blinked, caught off-guard by the sudden question. “Um, what?”
“She said that AKB48 was her favorite idol group.”
Nico dropped the revelation with a horrified hiss, as if she expected Maki to understand the gravity of this transgression. Maki, however, on top of never giving a damn about idol groups in the first place, was not in any state to pretend interest right now.
“I didn’t know you were dating around.” It came out more accusing than she wanted it to, but Nico didn’t seem to notice.
“Just sometimes! Honestly, though, I’m just about to give up. Word of advice: all Tinder profiles are composed of lies.”
Maki could not find it in herself to laugh. “Isn’t it like, against your contract to date?” she pressed, even as her brain told her to shut up.
“No, I’m not an idol anymore, I’m a singer! There’s a difference, you know. And I figured, you know, I should try dating before I get too popular. The last thing Nico wants is to date a gold digger.” She sighed dramatically. “Being a celebrity sure is tough!”
“I’m sure.” Maki had recovered from her initial shock, and it was replaced with guilt. Nico was an adult, she could do what she wanted. Why the hell was she so worked up over something that was none of her business?
“How about you, Maki?”
Maki was forced to redirect her attention back to the conversation at hand. “What do you mean?”
“Any cute girls in doctor land?”
They had broached this topic before, but only on a surface level. Maki had always been quick to divert the discussion; Nico was the last person she wanted to talk to about romance.
“No. I’m here for an education, not a life partner.”
Nico was not so easily dissuaded. “Oh, come on,” she wheedled. “There must be someone you’re interested in -”
“There’s not,” Maki snapped.
A static-filled silence descended at her outburst. She was well aware it had been an overreaction, but Nico’s insistence brought long-buried memories floating to the surface.
Cherry blossoms, sunlight, an empty classroom. Yes, she’d had an exchange very similar to this one once before, back when she was a gawky first-year watching three of the best friends she had ever had walk out of her life. Her answer might have even been the same.
Maki was nothing if not consistent, and that applied to lying as well.
“O...kay,” Nico finally said, when far too many seconds had passed for things not to be awkward. “Touchy subject. Got it.”
“No, it’s…” Maki exhaled, long and slow. It wasn’t Nico’s fault that she couldn’t let go of some residual emotions from her teenaged years. “There’s just nothing like that happening in my life right now. That’s all.”
“Got it.” Nico’s tone remained carefully neutral. “Well… just remember you’re in university, okay? Perfect place to put yourself out there and meet new people.”
Maki gripped her phone more tightly. She didn’t want to meet new people. She wanted…
“Yeah. I know. I’ll try.”
It was a hollow promise, and the both of them knew it. They stalled for a few minutes longer, casting about for some way to resurrect the conversation, but for the first time since they had started this phone call habit, Maki was at a loss for what to say.
When it was clear that there was no salvaging the situation, Maki cleared her throat. “I should get back to studying.”
“Oh! Sure.” There was no mistaking the relief in Nico’s tone, and it sent a pang through Maki’s chest. “I need to take a bath and stuff anyway. Catch you next week?”
“Mhm. Next week.”
Maki waited until she heard Nico hang up. As soon as the call ended, she flung her phone to the side and plunged her face into the pillow on her couch.
If she were a teenager in some vapid romantic comedy movie, she might’ve screamed into the fabric. As a responsible adult, however, she just squeezed her eyes shut and pretended to suffocate instead.
She should have realized from the start that things would turn out this way. Stuck on the other side of the country, cut off from her friends, buried under the mounting pressure of schoolwork and an uncertain future - and she thought that rekindling her nebulous friendship with the girl she had been obsessed with since high school was the best possible move she could make?
If Maki Nishikino had known what was good for her, she never would have agreed to these phone calls. And now it was too late.
-
The fifth time only happened because Maki could no longer put it off.
After that disastrous conversation, she had become more cautious. It was pretty easy to come up with reasons for postponing; she had finals coming up, after all, and Nico was busy with prepping for her album tour. With the few calls she couldn’t avoid for fear of being too obvious, she made sure to keep them pleasant and short.
Instead of talking to Nico, Maki threw herself into her studies with renewed vigor, and she even forced herself to socialize a little. That was what Nico had advised her to do, right? She wasn’t going to parties, of course, but she did attend a few study sessions and tried not to be too annoyed at her classmates’ slow and distracted pace. If anything, they made for the perfect excuse.
She told herself this was necessary. She couldn’t keep clinging onto Nico forever. Sure, they were good friends, but they also lived worlds apart from each other - and not just in terms of prefectures. It was time she started acting like it.
Despite her best efforts, however, she was clearly not as stealthy as she thought she was. It started with a few snippier-than-usual texts from Nico here and there, which then evolved into pointed speculation about how Maki could possibly be more busy than her before degenerating into a conspicuous silence. Still, it wasn’t until Nozomi went out of her way to message her and vaguely suggest she should take a moment to talk to Nico that Maki truly realized that maybe, just maybe, she had taken the wrong approach.
She had stalled. She had argued with herself. She had spent a truly disgusting amount of time glaring at her phone. But in the end, she had picked it up and dialed.
The call connected before the second ring, but the person on the other end didn’t say a single word.
“Nico?” Maki ventured, and was met with a snort.
“Oh, so we’re speaking again?”
Maki winced. Yup, she was angry. “We never stopped speaking…”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
On second thought, it probably wasn’t a good idea to start this conversation off with a lie, considering Maki had been all but ignoring her for more than three weeks now. She steeled herself and tried again.
“I’m sorry. I just had… a lot going on. To think about. And to be honest, I didn’t think you’d notice or care.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Maki’s shoulders had drawn level with the tips of her ears. “You’re the one who told me I should get out more.” It was a feeble comeback, one that she knew would only aggravate Nico more, and yet Maki could no more stop herself than she could an onrushing train.
“And how exactly does that translate into giving me the cold shoulder?”
Maki had no clue how to answer that - so she didn’t. After several pregnant seconds, Nico blew out her cheeks in frustration. Maki half-expected her to start yelling and perhaps finally block her once and for all, but what she said next came as a complete surprise.
“Look. If I made you mad or something, just tell me so I can just apologize and get it over with.”
“What?” Maki’s forehead wrinkled, her discomfort momentarily forgotten. “I’m not mad at you.”
“Are you sure?” Nico scoffed.
“Yes! Why would I be mad?”
“I don’t fucking know! But how else am I supposed to take it when you start leaving me on read and ignoring me all the time with no warning?”
Oh. Maki was beginning to comprehend the enormity of her miscalculation. It was not a good feeling. She had thought she was beyond these childish misunderstandings, these relics of her bygone youth. Apparently, however, when it came to Nico, all bets were off.
She chose her words carefully. “I’m not mad at you.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “It’s... actually kind of the opposite. And that just makes it harder.”
“The opposite?”
“The stuff about dating,” she nearly whispered. “It just got me thinking about a lot.”
How could a mere silence feel so heavy? Maki would’ve given anything to know what kind of expression Nico was wearing at that exact moment.
“I’ve been thinking about that, too,” Nico said suddenly, and her voice was nervous and even higher-pitched than usual. “E-Especially since we’ve been talking so much lately.”
Maki’s traitorous heart skipped several beats. She was being offered yet another chance to come clean and shift the status quo. Just a few more words, a few seconds of honesty, and this confusion of feelings could be resolved once and for all.
That scared her more than anything.
“I’ve got my tour coming up,” Nico was saying. “Concerts in five different prefectures this month.”
Panic rippled up Maki’s spine. “You’ll be pretty busy then. No time to call.”
“Yeah, probably. But my second-to-last stop is actually in Kyoto, and -”
“I’ll be busy, too!” Maki nearly shouted. She tightened her grip on her phone, her knuckles turning white. “With tests. We should probably just wait until after to talk. Wouldn’t want to distract you.”
“Wait, but we -”
“Oh, I think my doorbell just rang!” Maki glanced at the door, as if she could conjure up a chime through sheer force of will. “Must be my - my study buddies. Yes. I have those. Uh, good luck with the tour, say hi to Nozomi for me.”
“Maki, could you just -”
“Really have to go, bye!”
She hung up before Nico could protest. When Nico attempted to call her back immediately, she turned off the phone as well, just in case.
Her brain screamed that she was making a mistake. But what did her brain know? It had been wrong every single time it had told her to do anything involving Nico. She was tired of listening to it.
Drained from the earlier stress, Maki turned her weary eyes to the calendar on the wall. Nico’s tour started in three days - she had marked the dates out when they were announced. She only had about a week and a half until her own finals. It was long enough for both their heads to cool.
More time. If she just gave it a little more time, everything would go back to normal.
Maki only wished she had some basis for that belief other than pure desperation.
-
The knock came on an aggressively sunny afternoon the day before Maki’s last final.
She had lost track of the number of coffees she had consumed this past week. Surely it was nearing the triple digits. There was more caffeine in her veins than there was hemoglobin. If she drank any more she might actually be able to see in four dimensions.
In light of the circumstances, it was perfectly reasonable for her to assume at first that she was having auditory hallucinations. But the knocking only grew more insistent, and at last she was forced to contend with the fact that some horribly inconsiderate psychopath was hell-bent on interrupting her precious last-minute cramming. She ran her fingers through her hair and, muttering under her breath, got up from the kitchen table.
She wrenched open the front door without bothering to announce herself. Maybe if she was rude enough, she could scare off whatever annoying solicitor it was standing on the other side.
When she blinked away the brightness of the sun and gazed upon the face of her tormentor, however, it was one that was horrifyingly familiar.
Nico Yazawa had not gotten much taller since Maki last saw her two years ago. She still tied her hair in those ridiculous pigtails, still had on heels that did barely anything for her. In contrast to her childish hairstyle, she wore an elegant pink coat and a pretty pair of silver earrings that glinted when she tilted her chin up to look at Maki.
“Hey,” she said, and for a moment all Maki could do was stare. Because Nico was here, somehow, and her voice did not have the tinny quality of cellphone speakers that Maki had gotten used to. It was clear and ringing, and very much real.
Nico coughed as Maki continued to gawk at her. “Are you… going to invite me in? Nico’s kinda cold…”
Maki startled out of her reverie. There was only one option before her, and she took it without hesitation.
She slammed the door shut and locked it.
“What the fuck, Maki!” Nico’s exclamation was muffled through the thick wood. Maki turned around and braced her back against it for good measure. Her eyes shot toward the balcony on the other side of the living room. If she was careful, she could shimmy down the drainage pipe -
Nico pounded on the door. “You can’t just hide from me forever! Come on, open up!”
Maki cringed with every beat of Nico’s fist. “How did you find me?” she shouted back.
“Geez, don’t make me sound like a stalker. You sent Christmas cards to everyone last year, remember?”
She had not known her innocent gesture of goodwill would lead to such disastrous consequences. Next time, she’d take her chances with Santa.
“Maki, seriously. If you don’t let me in, I’ll make a scene. I’ll scream until your neighbors come out. I’ll tell Nozomi.”
The first two threats might have been bearable, but the prospect of what Nozomi would possibly do to her scared Maki more, no matter how irrational that might’ve been. She bit her lip, mustered up the last vestiges of her courage, and turned around.
Nico’s arms were crossed in consternation when Maki opened the door once more. She tapped her foot once, twice, before Maki reluctantly stepped aside.
“About time. That was really rude.” Nico steadied herself against the wall and stooped down to take off her shoes. She took a curious glance around as Maki closed the door behind her. “Wow, fancy. Are your parents paying your rent?”
“Yes…”
“Lucky you.” She walked further in, inspecting the textbooks piled on the coffee table. Maki had never in her wildest dreams pictured Nico coming to her apartment. She looked out of place, standing by the sofa. Larger than life.
“Why are you here?” Maki asked. She was already winding a hefty lock of hair around one finger.
Nico whirled on her with sudden fury. “Why do you think?” she demanded, and she jabbed a finger at Maki. “You’re telling me you really have no idea?”
Maki froze. This was it. This was every one of her nightmares coming true. Nico was going to renounce their friendship forever.
“I might have… some idea,” she breathed.
Nico heaved a sigh, the anger leaving her as quickly as it came. She reached into the pockets of her coat. “Here. I wanted to give you this.” She pulled out a slip of paper and offered it out to Maki, who took it after a moment with hesitant hands.
It was a ticket. Specifically, a ticket to Nico’s concert.
“It’s in two days,” Nico was saying. She rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. “I was trying to tell you the last time we called, but you hung up. So I figured I’d come early and pay you a visit, since I was going to be around anyway.”
“O-Oh.” Maki, in her valiant attempt to put Nico out of her mind and concentrate on finals, had totally forgotten that the singer would be in Kyoto this week. “Thanks…”
“Wait. That’s not all.” Nico folded her arms over her chest. “I also wanted to talk about what happened last time we called. And this time, you’re gonna let me finish.”
Maki blanched and took a step back. “I don’t -”
“Nope!” Nico lunged forward and grabbed Maki’s wrist, holding her in place. Her fingers were warm against Maki’s skin. “Nico-chan talking time. You owe me at least that much after all the trouble I’ve gone through.”
Maki wrenched her hand out of Nico’s grip, but when she tried to retreat again, she found herself backing into a wall. “W-What is there to talk about?” She was highly aware of how whiny she sounded.
“Really? You really have to ask? For starters, you could tell me why you hung up on me. And why you haven’t been answering any of my calls or texts. I thought we were supposed to be friends!”
“We are!”
“Then why have you been avoiding me?” Nico shouted. For all the centimeters that Maki had over Nico, the other girl seemed to tower over her now. She had forgotten how intimidating Nico could be when she was truly angry, and in response she felt herself shrink away. Nico, however, maintained her unrelenting glare, and Maki was compelled to respond.
“I was afraid of what you’d say,” she said in a small voice.
The admission surprised the both of them. Maki had never gone so far as to say the truth out loud, even to herself, and she had to grapple with the newfound revelation as Nico blinked in confusion in front of her.
“It felt like things were going to change.” The words felt foreign and distant in her mouth as she continued to speak. “And I didn’t know if I wanted that.”
Something in Nico’s gaze softened. “Change isn’t always bad, you know.”
Maki knew that. She did. But it didn’t make things any easier.
“When I moved away…” She swallowed. “It felt like I was leaving behind our μ’s days once and for all. Like they were frozen in place forever. And in a weird way, I wanted it to stay like that. So I didn’t want to hear what you had to say.”
She expected Nico to protest, or maybe to laugh. But the look of sympathetic understanding the other girl gave her was much, much worse.
“Things don’t stay the same forever, Maki. Hanayo and Rin have been living together for like, a year now? So have Kotori and Umi. And who knows what Honoka’s been up to with Tsubasa, of all people. Hell, Nozomi and Eli are thinking about getting a civil partnership, soon. Everyone’s changing.” She raised an eyebrow. “So will you please at least hear me out?”
Maki closed her eyes. She inhaled deeply and held the air in her lungs for a few long seconds before letting it out with a whoosh. Then she nodded.
“Well, first off, please stop looking like you’re about to pass out any second. Can we like, sit down or something?” Nico gestured at the sofa. “Come on, loser. You act like you’ve never had a guest over.”
Maki laughed shakily. “I kind of haven’t.”
“Uh-huh. Typical Maki.”
They both took a seat. Nico maintained a respectable distance, which Maki quietly appreciated. Once they had settled down, Nico began again.
“Honestly, the whole reason why I started this whole phone thing in the first place was because I wanted things to change. I thought I was over it, but when you accidentally called me, that first time, it made me realize - I wasn’t. So I figured I’d just ride it out and see where it would lead.
“But you kept on giving me mixed signals! I couldn’t tell if you were interested or not, so I kept dropping hints and trying to get a reaction out of you.” Here, she grimaced. “In hindsight, that might’ve been a mistake, since it clearly backfired.”
Maybe her brain was just fried from endless hours of studying, but Maki was unable to process a single word that Nico was saying. She held up a hand to pause the onslaught.
“H-Hold on. Get over what? Interested in what?”
Nico rolled her eyes. “You’re really gonna make me say it, huh? Fine! Fine. Here goes.” She took a deep breath.
“I like you. I’ve had a huge crush on you since high school.”
The world ground to a halt. Nico continued to stare at her expectantly, but Maki was incapable of doing much more than gape back.
Nico cleared her throat impatiently. “Well? Got anything to say to me?”
Maki was surprised to find her tongue could still move. “You were dating around though?” she sputtered. “You told me…”
“Yeah. Like I said. Backfired.” Nico had the grace to look embarrassed. “I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way, so I was keeping my options open. And I thought if I mentioned it, it’d make you jealous.”
“It did,” Maki blurted, before she could stop herself.
Nico perked up. She leaned in, much too close, and flashed her teeth in a curious grin. “Oh, yeah? Do tell.”
Maki flushed and shook her head hard.
“Hey.” Nico waited until Maki looked up at her again. “What are you so scared of?”
There were hundreds of things. Maki couldn’t even begin to list them. “We - We don’t have anything in common anymore. We don’t even live in the same prefecture. And if things go wrong, our friendship -”
“Maki!” Nico interrupted her mid-rant. She reached out and, to Maki’s complete horror, grabbed her face with both hands, so that her palms were flat against either cheek. “Look at me. Don’t think about any of that other crap right now. Just tell me: do you like me?”
Maki looked. She looked at that small, adorable face that she had secretly pined after for years and years, ever since she first suspected she was gay. Nico’s fingers trembled upon her jaw despite the determined set of her mouth, giving away her underlying trepidation.
It must have taken tremendous courage to march over to Maki’s house after being ignored for so long without even knowing whether she’d be allowed inside or not. Yet, she had done so anyway, because Nico Yazawa was either the bravest or stupidest person in the entire world.
And Maki had always, always loved her for it.
“I do,” she whispered, and a tight ball of tension that had been spooled within the pit of her stomach for who knows how long began to unwind. “I like you a lot.”
Nico’s shoulders sagged. She let Maki go, and as they stared at each other in dawning realization, a dazed, elated smile spread over her face.
“Really?” She scooted closer, her eyes shining. “You really do?”
Maki covered her face with her hands, heat creeping up the nape of her neck. “Don’t make me say it again,” she mumbled.
The couch dipped a bit as Nico bounced around in excitement. “But this is great! We both like each other! How come you never told me?”
“How could I? You graduated, and then while you were doing your singing thing, I moved to the other side of the country! I didn’t even know if you felt the same way!”
Nico shrugged. “We could’ve made it work. But,” she added quickly, “it’s fine. We can do this for real now.”
At that, Maki stiffened again. “Can we, though?” she asked, and clenched her fists when Nico tilted her head, not understanding.
It was the question she kept on coming back to, in these months she had spent talking to Nico, her feelings rekindling. Even at her most hopeful, she had kept running into the same brick wall, over and over again.
“We live so far apart. Like I said, our lives are completely different. What if we try and it doesn’t work out? What if we fight, and break up, and then things are never the same again?” Her gaze dropped to the floor. “We were getting along so well, I just… I don’t want to ruin what we have for something that might not even last.”
Her fears voiced, Maki fell silent. She peeked out of the corner of her eyes at Nico, waiting to see how she would react.
“I’d be lying if I said I never worried about those things,” Nico said, after a moment. She shifted her legs as she spoke. “I guess that’s why I’ve been so wishy-washy about it myself. But…”
Maki twitched when Nico reached out and touched the back of her hand. The singer brushed her thumb over Maki’s, and Maki was forced to look up at her.
Nico’s voice was low with earnestness. “Sometimes it’s just… okay not to think too hard about things, you know? Maybe it won’t work out, maybe it will. But we won’t know until we try. And I don’t know about you but… I’m tired of not trying. I’m tired of pretending I don’t l-love you.” Nico stumbled over the word, but she pressed on hastily. “Plus, we have plenty of practice fighting and making up. Remember high school?”
Maki, still reeling over the fact that Nico had just told her that she loved her, didn’t trust herself to answer. She just nodded.
“I really think it’ll be okay.” Nico gripped her fingers tighter, as if she could will her words into reality through physical strength alone. “So... What do you say?”
Maki thought back to all the times she had nearly told Nico about her feelings. She remembered the hesitation, the wavering, the heartbreak of her youth. The worrying, the sleepless nights, the hours of working her emotions into her music. The many different ways she had told herself not to be too hopeful, to brace herself for disappointment, to just keep it all bottled up inside her.
Her whole life had been spent in pursuit of absolute certainty. She never tried anything that she might fail at, because what was the point if she didn’t succeed?
But now, Maki understood that it had all been folly. There were no certainties in life - only chances missed and chances taken.
For Nico, she might just be willing to take that chance.
Maki turned her palm upwards so that she could squeeze Nico’s fingers back.
“I love you, too.” In the end, it had always been that simple.
Nico’s lips quavered. She blinked rapidly, and her eyes grew shiny. She took a few shallow breaths.
“Nice,” she breathed, and then her brow furrowed. “Oh, fuck. I wanted to say something more romantic than that.”
Maki couldn’t help it. She chuckled. “You came all the way to Kyoto just for this. That’s romantic enough.”
“Yeah. Yeah! You’re right.” Nico shook her head to dispel any remaining doubts. She scooted closer and cleared her throat nervously. “Um, can I…?”
Maki blushed as she realized what Nico was asking. She inclined her chin in assent and closed her eyes when Nico leaned in.
Her first kiss with Nico was soft, and warm, and tasted of mint. It embarrassed and thrilled Maki all at once to think that Nico might’ve prepared for this possibility, and then when Nico wrapped her arms around her neck, she stopped thinking entirely.
They broke apart only because they both needed to breathe. Even then, Nico chased after her retreating lips, and the sensation was all it took for Maki to decide that she had made the right choice.
“So…” Nico toyed with the shell of her ear. “Does that mean you’ll come to my concert?”
Maki pretended to think about it. “I don’t know, I have to study…” She laughed at Nico’s indignant expression. “I’m joking. My last final is tomorrow, and then I’m free.”
“Oh! Good.” Nico grinned with renewed confidence and self-satisfaction. “It’s going to be amazing.”
Maki smiled back. “I don’t doubt it,” she said sincerely, but she wasn’t thinking of the concert.
The future stretched out in front of her - a future with no clear path, no paved roads or gilded signposts. For the first time ever, Maki wasn’t quite sure where she was headed.
If she was walking alongside Nico, however, it was sure to be an adventure.