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Shen Yuan’s heart hurt even though his soul felt better as Binghe carried him to the bed, laying him down gently. He hated that he felt relief each time the pain lessened. With solemn eyes, he watched as Luo Binghe slipped off his overrobe, before kneeling down before him and laying his head beside him on the bed.
“Shizun… Can I just… Hold you?” Binghe asked, voice hushed.
“Please.” Shen Yuan entreated, already leaning towards Binghe’s warmth, as Binghe surged up to enfold him in his arms.
In Binghe’s arms, he let himself finally feel the safest he had been since that oh so sweet dream that Binghe had made for him. Shen Yuan had kept lying to himself, but now he couldn't—not when the dream was shattering around them, the familiar room in his bamboo house breaking apart to reveal the cave where they had last been together. He blinked hard, willing away the burning behind his eyes as the last of the illusion faded away.
“Shizun?” Binghe softly called.
“Hm?” Shen Yuan hummed against the warmth of Binghe’s chest, his lips brushing against Binghe’s skin as he nuzzled into the warmth.
Binghe shuddered, hand flexing lightly against his hip.
“Would it help if you… Told this disciple what happened?” he rasped after a long moment.
Shen Yuan went still in his arms, before twisting up to look at Binghe, but Binghe just smiled softly and held him closer, silently letting him know that he would be there to support him no matter what.
Around them time seemed to stand still, caught in a moment both fragile and eternal as Shen Yuan made his decision.
He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He knew in his heart what he needed to do. He knew that Binghe deserved the truth—the full truth. But he was so scared. However, despite his fear, he knew that he also loved Binghe and he trusted Binghe more than he trusted even himself. So just as he had first surrendered himself to the waters when he had ascended, he surrendered himself to Binghe, laying aside his masks.
“It would probably be best to start from the very beginning.” He paused, gathering the remnants of his courage, “My name... was Shen Yuan,” He whispered softly, “and then I died and became someone else.”
In that cave, millenia after they had first been there—after they had both died, Shen Yuan finally let himself tell Binghe the truth, baring his soul and divulging secrets that had gone unspoken for far too long.
Afterwards, once Shen Yuan finished talking, voice hoarse, eyes swollen and heart sore, Binghe just held him, one hand pressed low against his spine and the other coming up to ghost lightly along his face.
Letting out a shuddering breath, Shen Yuan quietly asked, “Binghe… Doesn’t hate me?
Binghe let out a sigh, before quietly saying, “How could I ever hate Shizun? Shizun is Shizun no matter if he is Shen Qingqiu, Shi Wudu, or Shen Yuan. I would know your soul and your heart no matter how much time passed—no matter the incarnation you are in. Shizun is the one who I love.”
Shen Yuan let out a quiet sob at Binghe’s words, “Me too-- Binghe is the one I--” He stopped short as Binghe again pressed a finger to his lips. Shen Yuan looked up with wide and hurt eyes.
Why doesn’t Binghe want me to say it?
As if hearing his thoughts, Luo Binghe gave him a sad smile, “I know what Shizun will say. I’ve wanted to hear those words for so long. But I-- I can’t be selfish here. I don’t know if I would be able to let you go if I heard it, so please don’t say them to me. Shizun should save those words for someone who can stay with him in a way that I won’t be able to.”
Shen Yuan’s heart throbbed, as he stared up at Luo Binghe, “Binghe could never be selfish. But if it’s Binghe’s wish, then I won’t say it.” He bit his lip as he cast his eyes down. Even though he knew Binghe’s reason, it didn’t make it hurt less that he couldn’t tell Binghe just how much he loved him. He paused. But.
But he could show Binghe.
And honestly, when Binghe held him like this—when he knew that it was Binghe with him? It felt almost cleansing. Like that man’s touch was slowly being washed away. Shen Yuan moved his hand in a deliberate motion, lifting it up to caress the side of Binghe’s face.
“Shizun?” The question came out slightly hesitant, as Binghe looked at him with wide eyes.
“Binghe might not want me to say it, but would he be averse if I showed him what I want to say?” Shen Yuan immediately blushed at his forwardness, almost in disbelief that he had spouted such a line. However, he met Binghe’s eyes despite his thin face, knowing that time was not on their side—knowing that this might be the only time and way to show Binghe. What was shame in this situation?
“I--Shizun-- Are you sure? Shizun has suffered--”
Shen Yuan cut in, “I’m sure. I-- Binghe. You make me feel safe. You make me feel loved.”
He took a deep breath. “And what’s most important is that I know you’re not him.” Shen Yuan almost mumbled, biting his lip as he looked at Binghe through his lashes.
Finally Binghe nodded, his eyes softening, “I’m not him,” Binghe affirmed as his thumb gently caressed the swell of Shen Yuan’s bottom lip. “But what I am is Shizun’s.” His eyes were soft as he whispered it like a promise.
Binghe leaned down, pressing a soft and tender kiss against his forehead.
“Shizun can have all of this disciple,” Binghe murmured against his skin, his lips brushing it, like tiny kisses. He breathed out with a slight smile in his voice, “If A-Yuan wants it.”
Shen Yuan’s breath shuddered out as a tear slowly slid down his cheek, at the sound of his original name in Binghe’s loving voice.
“Yes,” he whispered, closing his eyes as he desperately met Binghe’s mouth.
He needed this last bit of selfishness, he needed Binghe to replace memories and nightmares of other violating hands, and most of all he needed Binghe to know all of the love in his heart that Binghe wouldn’t let him say out loud.
He sighed into the kiss as Binghe shook against him, the hand on his chin sliding down to join the other on Shen Yuan’s waist as he pulled him closer.
It started off soft and almost sweet, little more than a press of lips, but then Shen Yuan brought his hands up, trembling fingers burying themselves in Binghe’s thick waves.
Binghe groaned at that, low and heavy in the back of his throat, as his hands clenched around Shen Yuan’s body.
Shen Yuan felt his heart pound wildly within his chest, feeling as if his body could hardly contain his emotions. Something within him finally gave, as he threw his apprehension out the window and pulled Binghe in by the back of his neck to kiss him deeper, their mouths moving, hot and hungry against each other.
“Wait--” Binghe tore his lips away, creating distance between them with his hands on Shen Yuan’s shoulders.
Shen Yuan whined as he tried to pull Binghe back in by his robes.
“Shizun are you su--,” Binghe started, then choked as Shen Yuan all but slithered onto his lap, straddling him and grinding down impatiently against Binghe.
Shen Yuan panted, “Binghe, I need this. Before you-- Before everything . I want you to help me make a new memory--I need you to make me forget him . Don’t you want to?”
Binghe stared, his pupils blown, “Shizun--I’ve wanted this for-- A-Yuan, you have no idea how much I want this, but--.”
Shen Yuan shushed him, leaning into Binghe, and gazing up at him from under heavy lashes, whispering, “Then do it. Make me forget everything but your touch. I want to still feel you days afterwards.” He paused, before almost pleading, “ Ruin me ,” as he leaned in to hungrily kiss Binghe.
Binghe broke the kiss, chest heaving and pupils blown wide, eyes dark.
“Shizun,” he rasped, “A-Yuan.”
And then he kissed him again.
And Shen Yuan willingly surrendered over to it, to him.
The last of his fears, his doubts, were swept away.
Because when he was touched by Luo Binghe like this? It didn’t feel as if he were still tainted by Jun Wu’s touch. It didn’t feel anything close to the gnawing wildfire that threatened to devour him whole and leave nothing of himself behind when Jun Wu had taken him.
Instead it felt right.
It felt perfect.
Because, Shen Yuan knew now with zero doubt, that there was nothing that Jun Wu could have done to taint the love that he and Binghe shared.
Shen Yuan was, for the first time in longer than he could remember, really and truly free to choose for himself.
And he chose to give himself to Binghe.
They broke the kiss again as Binghe gazed at him, gauging his expressions. Binghe swallowed, the motion of it visible in his throat. His eyes darkened dangerously, and then his control snapped with an almost audible sound as he grabbed him by the hips to haul him closer, one hand coming up to cup Shen Yuan’s cheek and bring his mouth back to his.
Shen Yuan willingly followed, and parted his lips against Binghe’s, into a kiss that was heated, wet, and utterly indecent. Binghe tried to slow him down, to turn the frenzied kiss into something sweeter, but Shen Yuan wanted none of that. He needed the pressure from Binghe’s hands and lips. He pressed forward fiercely, the languid slides of tongue, turning sloppy, sucking and biting with fervor until he tasted copper. With a low, threatening growl, Binghe surged forward, nipping at his lips in retribution, before breaking away to bite at his neck. Shen Yuan mewled at that, his head was swimming, his body losing its strength.
Binghe’s fingers trailed up his neck to cup his face in his palms, his hands a hot brand against his flesh.
“I’m going to ruin Shizun,” Binghe’s voice was a rumbling purr as his hands slid to bury themselves in Shen Yuan’s hair. “Just like Shizun asked.”
“Yes,” Shen Yuan breathed as he stared up at Binghe’s glowing eyes, heart so full with love.
“This disciple will always give what Shizun needs,” Binghe vowed, right before he closed that last sliver of distance between the two of them and sealed their mouths together.
Shen Yuan let himself get lost in his kiss.
In Binghe.
Because for once, Shen Yuan was looking forward to being ruined.
Jun Wu had no place between him and Binghe, and he would be damned if he let Jun Wu ever corrupt Binghe’s love for him—if he let that man ruin this moment between them.
Binghe’s hands pushed down the sleeves of his robes to bare his chest, and his mouth trailed down his throat. Shen Yuan compulsively curled his fingers in Binghe’s messy dark locks, as the other man pressed hot kisses to his neck and shoulders, teeth nipping occasionally against his skin.
With some reluctance, Shen Yuan pushed at Binghe’s shoulders, who immediately halted his actions, staring at him with eyes tinged with slight worry. Shen Yuan smiled encouragingly at Binghe as he slowly slid his robes fully off of his body, letting the fabric fall to the ground. Meaningfully tilting his head at Binghe, the other man burst into action to do the same, hastily stripping off the rest of his robes and carelessly tossing the garments aside.
Shen Yuan let his eyes trail over the expanse of smooth skin and rippling muscle, stealing a blushing glance at Binghe’s rather generous endowment. He reached out to run his hands over the broad chest, while Binghe gazed down at him hungrily, arms coming up to caress Shen Yuan’s sides, rubbing heated circles into his skin with his thumbs. Sliding his palms up wide shoulders, feeling the shift of muscle beneath warm skin, Shen Yuan looped his arms around Binghe’s neck and pulled him down towards him onto the bed.
Binghe stopped, hovering over him on one arm, to rake his eyes over Shen Yuan’s naked figure, drinking in the sight of him like he was the only thing that existed in the world. Desire was obvious in his gaze, but it was the tenderness and almost lost and wanting look in his eyes that triggered an unwanted pain in Shen Yuan’s chest, stealing the breath from his lungs.
“Shizun--”
“I want you inside of me,” Shen Yuan cut him off, not quite ready to face that look.
Binghe froze, mouth open before collecting himself with a smile, “Whatever Shizun desires.”
His suave words belied the way that Binghe fumbled at the side of the bed before retrieving a vial. Shen Yuan raised an eyebrow at the thought that Binghe had obviously learned something from their disastrous first time. Setting that thought aside, he watched with a hint of amusement as Binghe hurriedly opened the vial, pouring it generously onto the fingers of his right hand before reaching down between Shen Yuan’s thighs. All amusement was immediately thrown aside when Binghe slowly and carefully pressed the first finger inside of him.
It was almost too tight. Shen Yuan forced himself to relax against the intrusion, as Binghe murmured encouragingly to him, pressing soothing kisses to his throat and shoulders. He curled into Binghe’s neck as he struggled to breath when Binghe withdrew his finger, only to push back in with two. Curling his fingers, Shen Yuan’s body jolted as Binghe brushed up against the sweet spot inside of him, sending tingles all the way down his spine. It felt amazing .
However.
Shen Yuan was pretty certain the slow, methodical movements of Binghe’s fingers inside of him were going to drive him absolutely insane.
“Binghe, hurry .”
“I don’t want to hurt you Shizun,” Binghe told him, his breathing harsh as he spread his fingers against the sensitive walls, “I want this to be perfect for you.”
Shen Yuan resisted the urge to beg again, instead sinking his teeth into the other man’s neck, sucking a mark there.
Binghe’s arm trembled as he let out a ragged breath, quickly pushing a third finger in, to work him loose and open, making anticipation wind tighter in Shen Yuan’s belly.
“Binghe-- Hnngh . That’s enough. I’m ready .”
Binghe doesn’t withdraw his fingers immediately, instead looking at Shen Yuan as if he were assessing whether Shen Yuan was telling the truth.
Shen Yuan felt raw and exposed, as he turned away to hide his desperate expression from Binghe’s eyes, face too thin under that intense scrutiny. He wanted this so much. Too much. And before he could stop himself, he whispered out a soft, “ Please .”
Binghe audibly choked, and without further protest, lined himself up. Shen Yuan’s hands tightened on Binghe’s shoulders at the first feeling of being breached, biting at Binghe’s neck, thighs tense and trembling as Binghe finally pushed in, with an almost agonizing slowness, filling the almost gaping emptiness with himself. Shen Yuan trembled, nearly overwhelmed by the burning and intoxicating sensation of the languorous spread as Binghe moved forward, his ragged breath hitting Shen Yuan’s skin.
And then Binghe was fully inside of him, filling him so completely, and there was nothing between them any longer, no aching years of separation, no past hurts and anguishes, no threatening future, no useless thoughts…just... a perfect moment in the present. Because Binghe?
Binghe had always been a part of Shen Yuan. Had known him through his worst actions, had loved him through the years, had accepted him wholly, and had dwelled in his heart for so long that this was as if he were finally coming home.
Binghe ran his hand down the sinuous curve of Shen Yuan’s spine, as he panted into his neck, “A-Yuan--Hah--Are you… Is this… Okay?”
Shen Yuan couldn’t speak, could only make a noise that could possibly be taken as agreement. He was more than okay. He felt so incredibly full, arms shaking around Binghe’s neck as his thighs were spread wide, cradling Binghe’s body. He felt as if he was drowning in the feel of Binghe against him, inside of him, the sweat-slick slide of skin, the scorching body, all threatening to swallow him whole. The thick length inside of him was forcing his muscles to flutter, his insides uncontrollably clenching down, as his heart pounded furiously, blood rushing in his ears. It was good. It was too much. And Binghe hadn’t even started moving yet.
“Nngh, more,” Shen Yuan pleaded.
Binghe grasped his waist firmly as he bottomed out in one long thrust, his hips flush against Shen Yuan’s ass, forcing a long moan out of him.
“Perfect, Shizun. A-Yuan is so perfect. Let go for me.”
“Ah-- ah -- there -- Binghe, ” he gasped, unable to keep from pushing back down onto the other man.
Binghe almost growled at his movement, “A-Yuan feels so good around me. Perfectly made for me.”
Shen Yuan squirmed, not trusting his voice to say anything. Binghe held him firmly in place by the hips as he pulled almost all the way out. Shen Yuan cried out, feeling every intense inch of Binghe’s length dragging against his soft and pliant insides—and then Binghe thrust back in. Hard .
Shen Yuan’s back arched, and a choked gasp ripped out of his throat, as his most sensitive spot was struck, fireworks of pleasure-pain exploding outwards. His head felt stuffy and full, mind a whirling mess of heat and more and desperate need. All he could do was moan, hands clamped tightly onto Binghe’s shoulders as he weathered the storm.
Binghe was merciless.
One hand was buried in his hair even as the other arm wrapped around his waist. Beneath his ass, Binghe’s bare thighs clenched and bunched with thick muscles every time his hips surged forward.
He was buried so deep inside of him that Shen Yuan was sure he would never get him out.
Just like Binghe had promised him.
Just like he’d wanted.
“Shizun,” Binghe purred against his throat, teeth scraping across the tender skin until he could mouth hungrily at his collar bones. “A-Yuan.”
“Binghe,” Shen Yuan panted back, hands sliding up to grip at his hair, legs tightening around his waist. “Binghe. Hah. Please.”
“Anything,” Binghe vowed, as he pulled him ever closer, taking all of Shen Yuan’s weight with ease as his hips screwed him even deeper inside. “I’ll give you anything, Shizun. I’ll give it to you. Everything.”
Shen Yuan’s breath caught in his chest, overwhelmed at the intent in Binghe’s voice.
“Accept me,” Binghe begged more than stated, and the sound of it shattered something inside of Shen Yuan. “Keep me. Because I’m already yours.”
“I do-- ngh--I will!” it came out as a half strangled whine as pleasure exploded inside of him, choking back the “I love you’s” that wanted to burst out of him.
Binghe bit at Shen Yuan’s neck again, slowing his hips as he burrowed his face into its curve. Shen Yuan whined out at Binghe’s action, finally wrapping his legs firmly around Binghe’s waist as he moaned, “ Faster. I told you I want to feel it, Binghe,” His breath hitched as Binghe hardened impossibly more inside him.
Words tripped off his tongue, “I want it harder. I want to know it was you. That you’re the one I’m with. Make me forget--”
Binghe surged forward in a ripple of muscles, arms wrapping around his waist as he pulled him even closer.
“Yes,” he practically begged as he pressed their foreheads together, his hips rolling into Shen Yuan like a wave. “Yes. Shizun, A-Yuan. Yes .”
Binghe’s fingers dug harshly into the flesh of Shen Yuan’s hips as he hunched over him, warm and solid, his fingers moving from Shen Yuan’s hips to his ankles, hitching them even higher as he moved forward. Shen Yuan grabbed desperately at the sheets, nearly sobbing as the angle shifted so that Binghe was almost grinding against his prostate with his every movement. He bit down on his lip, to try to hold in his noises.
“A-Yuan, don’t hold back,” Binghe rumbled, hot and breathless, into his ear as he swiped a thumb across his lip to release it from its prison, before pressing into him with a hot and absolutely filthy kiss. In this position, his thrusts were shorter but deeper, and absolutely relentless. Helpless, Shen Yuan writhed, sobbing at the pace. Every thrust forced a throaty moan out of him, as Binghe peppered rough bites along his neck, collarbones and shoulders, the pinpricks of pain shooting straight to Shen Yuan’s leaking cock.
He jolted when Binghe nipped at his earlobe, gasping, “Shizun-- ungh --you’re so good, A-Yuan, let go for me--so perfect-- A-Yuan.”
Voice thoroughly wrecked, Shen Yuan only managed a choked off moan. He was dying—this was too much—not enough, and each thrust made Shen Yuan’s toes curl, pressure mount behind his belly. He wanted it to end—he never wanted it to end—he couldn’t take it—he needed more. Shen Yuan clung to Binghe, and kissed him, deep and desperate, with every bit of love he contained—that he couldn’t say—and his body was humming, his muscles drawing tighter, and he was going to break —and then he was washed away, the ocean taking him down—down—down—into its depths.
I Only Ever Need This Moment.
Settled in their little nest within the cave, Luo Binghe leaned his head against the wall as he stared with rapt attention at his Shizun’s face, running his fingers through his hair.
They were both silent, basking in each other’s presence, knowing what was yet to come, but simply enjoying this calm before the inevitable storm.
After all, healing a soul was always a difficult task.
And to take in a soul as strong as Luo Binghe’s?
Binghe’s heart hurt at the agony he knew his Shizun would face.
No matter how Luo Binghe had tried to gently feed his soul to his Shizun thus far, he knew that the last step to fully take in the rest of his soul would hurt.
To fully heal almost always hurt as much as the initial wound.
He pressed another kiss to his Shizun’s hair, as he closed his eyes, gently enfolding this quiet moment around them, to live in perpetuity.
You Will Be Missed.
“Shizun,” Binghe’s voice was tender as he gazed down at him with eyes bright with suppressed tears. The hand he held against Shen Yuan’s cheek was just as gentle as it had been before.
“Binghe,” he whispered back, knowing what was coming.
“It’s nearly time,” Shen Yuan announced more than asked, tears hovering at the corners of his eyes.
“Yes.” Binghe nodded anyway, emotions thick in his voice.
“I have to go back.” Shen Yuan’s voice was almost a sob, breathless and aching.
“Yes.” Binghe’s voice was loving, but firm.
“I’m scared.” A whisper, like a confession.
Binghe let out a shuddering breath, “Shizun? Never doubt my love for you--Everyone’s love for you.” His lips pressed gently against Shen Yuan’s forehead, “It’s alright to be scared. I will always be there with you though you may not see me. You are and have been so brave , but now it’s time for you to live .”
“No. Don’t make me do this,” Shen Yuan begged him—a last ditch effort as tears welled up in his eyes, a sob wrapping its grasping hands around his voice. “Binghe, please, don’t make me do this.”
“It will be alright. I promise. I love you, Shizun. I won’t stop loving you for even a second . However, there’s no other way. This world needs you far more than it ever needed me.”
“No,” Shen Yuan nearly moaned, his heart twisted in pain as it curled tight in his chest. “Binghe. No. I can’t-- I can’t do this without you-- I can’t lose you . Not again, not like this.”
“Don’t you remember? You won’t be losing me,” Binghe comfortingly ran his hand through Shen Yuan’s hair, “I will always be there with you.” He grinned, “You always told me I was too sticky of a disciple… You’ll never be rid of me now.” He leaned down, fingers intertwining with Shen Yuan’s.
Shen Yuan let him try to make light of the situation, but agony still railed through him at what he was being forced to do.
This isn’t fair.
“Breathe with me,” Binghe whispered as he gently held Shen Yuan, his eyes as vast and deep as the night sky, softly looking at him as his lips quirked into a small smile, “Just breathe.”
Shen Yuan met his kiss with all of the love and longing and bitter regret currently eating him alive.
It was not enough.
It would never be enough.
“I love you,” Binghe breathed the words against his lips, “I promise, Shizun. I love you and it will be okay . Never blame yourself for what was done to you.”
Shen Yuan blinked his tears away, keeping his eyes fixed on Binghe’s smile.
Because this… this would be the last time he saw it.
And he wanted to engrain every second of it into his heart.
He wanted to remember everything about Binghe at this moment — in every moment they had shared.
Binghe pressed forward, kissed him soft and slow one last time, and then pulled back, smiling.
He was so beautiful it made Shen Yuan’s chest ache even more.
“All you have to do,” Binghe said, one hand cradling Shen Yuan’s face, the other gently stroking his back, “is let me in.”
Binghe exhaled, wrapping his arms around him. Shen Yuan sobbed softly and desperately held him close, sinking into the embrace. He clenched his eyes shut as he felt the rush of spiritual energy enter him, nearly overwhelming him with its power. Shen Yuan felt his body go blistering hot with the sheer immensity of Luo Binghe’s soul coursing through him like a tempestuous and boiling ocean, but rather than drowning he was being lifted up, up, even higher.
He felt Luo Binghe’s care, his regrets, his love rush through him, and Shen Yuan accepted it all.
When he finally blinked his eyes open, there was only empty air to meet him.
“Binghe,” Shen Yuan whispered, tasting the tears in the back of his throat, voice shaking. “Binghe, please. Don’t be gone. I... I love you.”
But there was no answer.
Shen Yuan’s entire world crumbled around him yet again.
His scream, raw and filled with agony, filled the cave. Shen Yuan felt as if his entire body was going to shake apart from grief. His tears fell in torrents as he remembered the last smile he saw from Binghe—that soft and loving smile that was all he’d ever wanted out of life.
Shen Yuan sat there in the emptiness of the cave, forcing himself to just...
Breathe.
Because.
Binghe was right. He wasn’t alone anymore. Now, Binghe’s soul was inextricably tied with his own and the subtle warmth in his chest where he could feel where their souls had intertwined filled him with unspeakable comfort. His sorrow slowly mingled with fury as he thought about just why Binghe had to sacrifice himself, and why he still had to fight and live. With grief and rage nearly devouring his heart, he harshly clutched the false jade Guanyin to his chest, huddled in the robes Binghe had wrapped him in, as determination filled his eyes.
He had a Calamity to contain.