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Sometimes, Luo Binghe loses control of his dreams.
He has been taught by Meng Mo himself, the demon responsible for the creation of all nightmares, the one who used to invade humans' dreamscapes to terrorize them and suck their energy through their fear. He was a prodigy, a first-class student, and his technique surpassed that of his teacher — not master, never — to the point where he could even recreate faces with little effort. He could go anywhere when he was asleep.
Up until he was pushed into the Endless Abyss, he did not need the comfort of dreams. Every day felt like one; being in the presence of his beloved Shizun, basking in the love and affection of the one who believed in him before anyone did, Luo Binghe did not need anything else.
It all changed when his demon heritage was revealed.
Every waking hour was torture. He had come back to the place he belonged in — Shizun said so himself — but it didn't feel like home at all. Home would always be a bamboo house at Qing Jing Peak, a warm bed and the arms of the master who raised him with such care.
His home was gone. He had lost everything and so his dreamland became an escape. The only place where he could pretend everything was still okay, that his Shizun hadn't cruelly pushed him away with not a single ounce of mercy, eyes devoid of any affection staring at Luo Binghe as he fell to his demise.
In his dreams, there was a younger version of himself, a boy with starry eyes and a bright future ahead. His mind would conjure up the familiar scenario of this same boy going about his day running around the Peak only to stumble into his master's embrace, apologizing with no intent to, using any excuse to cling to the robes of the immortal being in front of him. No matter how much Luo Binghe pushed, it seemed like his Shizun would always indulge him.
What a joke. Foolish boy.
He'd lay his head against a tree trunk and watch the scene unfold before his eyes, unable to understand why would the kind, gentle man who taught Luo Binghe what it meant to want to protect and love someone, discard him like he amounted to nothing?
He thought about it for three years, reliving these wonderfully dull days when he was the happiest but also the hurt, the anger and the betrayal, but found no answer. Even face to face with Shen Qingqiu after all this time, he was unable to decipher the change in his master's demeanor.
Why those beautiful eyes that used to linger on his face so easily were now refusing to even acknowledge his existence? Was he that despicable that the mere sight of him disgusted his Shizun? Did his memories trick him, was it all a lie?
Can't I look at what I raised? Shen Qingqiu's sweet voice echoed throughout the dreamscape. Luo Binghe could only stare at the memory his mind was showing; his master gazing fondly at his younger version, a soft smile curving his lips upwards.
"You're right." The real Luo Binghe said, stepping up like the two in the scene could hear him if he was closer. "You raised me, Shizun. You gave me everything, so how is it that you can't spare this disciple a single glance? Please look at me!"
But similar to the real world, no matter how he begged, Shen Qingqiu wouldn't bat an eye.
Luo Binghe was aware of the line separating dream from reality and wouldn't dare to cross it. Even if he could pretend nothing had changed, he'd still give it all up for a chance to see his Shizun in person one last time. His resolve did not waver, not even after his master's self-destruction. Like a fool, he never lost hope; if the heavens wanted to take him away, then Luo Binghe would raise hell against them.
He'd lost someone he loved once, his mother, because of his own weakness but things had changed. Even if his Shizun would grow to hate him again, at least he would be alive. He couldn't live in a world without him.
How ironic was that their long-awaited reunion would happen inside of Luo Binghe's dreams.
How could he not recognize the person in his arms? Shen Qingqiu had a different face, one that resembled his real one, but his warmth was just the same. Not even Luo Binghe's visions would be able to recreate the feeling that enveloped his whole body when he pressed his lips against his master's and bit on his lower lip hungrily.
Back then, he really thought it was a dream — why would his Shizun allow him to be so bold? — but then he realized the truth: Shen Qingqiu simply didn't want to reveal his identity. He did not trust him. That was the last beautiful dream he had for a long time.
After having a taste of the real thing, his imagination couldn't compare, it was just a place where he could hurt himself and unload his frustrations. Actually, it didn't matter if he was asleep or awake, the limit between dream and nightmare was blurry. When he slept he was haunted by the past but after waking up, he'd be faced with an uncertain future.
What had become of his life? Why did it feel like he was destined to be unhappy?
Even now, after he finally got what he wanted, after his dreams became a reality and he's happily married to the owner of his heart, why does he still feel unworthy? Why do his dreams still mock him?
Luo Binghe wakes up with a start, his hands are trembling and when he touches his cheeks, he realizes he's crying — not that it's new, Shizun calls him a crybaby for a reason. His gaze descends to the person sleeping soundly next to him.
Shizun doesn't like it when I cry, I have to wash my face, is his first thought before carefully lifting the covers to leave the bed but he only manages to put one foot down before his arm is being pulled back.
"Binghe, it's still early, go back to sleep."
Luo Binghe freezes, images of his dreams passing through his eyes; Shen Qingqiu happy, having fun, laughing together with his friends and family and Luo Binghe was not a part of it.
See how happy he is? He doesn't need you. You make no difference in his life. His cruel mind seemed to be saying and though normally he wouldn't care, this time his heart plummeted down to his stomach.
This time, no matter where Binghe chooses to go, this master will follow. When Shen Qingqiu said those words, did he really mean it or was he trying to appease the Demon Lord, afraid that Luo Binghe would threaten to destroy his precious Mountain again? Was he still… afraid of him?
"Binghe? What happened?" Shen Qingqiu's voice is louder now, arms around his husband's waist, caressing his bare back. When Luo Binghe doesn't answer, his master feels worry winning over his inhibitions and presses a kiss on his nape, gently pushing his curls aside. "Binghe, talk to me."
"Shizun," He manages to let out after a moment of silence. "Do you… Are you happy with me?"
Shen Qingqiu's movements halt, he looks taken aback when Luo Binghe glances at him from the corner of his eyes. "Why are you asking that all of a sudden?"
The Demon Lord sighs, choking back a sob, "Shizun stayed by my side because he knew I would be unhappy without him, but is it even worth it if I cannot give you the happiness you deserve?"
Shen Qingqiu's eyebrows are furrowed now, "Binghe…" He lets go and crawls to his front, hands cupping Luo Binghe's face and wiping his tears, "What nonsense you're saying, this master chose to be here with you. Binghe didn't force me."
"But Shizun…" His lips twitch, "Do you ever regret choosing me? Do you regret allowing me to love you?"
"I do not." Shen Qingqiu says, resolute. "Listen to your Shizun right now, Binghe. You didn't force me. You said you'd be happy if I was in your life, said I could kill you, maim you, hate you and you wouldn't ask for more. I was the one who made the decision of letting you into my heart and accepting you as my husband." His gaze is sharp and when Luo Binghe tries to look away, Shen Qingqiu tightens his grip on his face. "Are you listening to me, Luo Binghe?'
Nodding frantically, Luo Binghe doesn't try to move anymore, "Yes, Shizun..."
"Good because I should have told you this before and I want you to listen carefully. Can you do that for me?" He nods again, Shen Qingqiu smiles and kisses the tip of his nose before his semblance turns serious again, "I once chose you as my favorite, even before you were my most-loved disciple. When I first laid eyes on you, I knew you had the potential to be strong, admirable, a reliable man who'd woo the hearts of countless ladies."
Luo Binghe grimaces at that but Shen Qingqiu's giggle puts a new smile on his face,
"I chose you as my disciple because I knew I could trust you and I wanted to take care of you but in the end, Binghe was the one who took extra care of this master, huh?" He grins fondly, "Until the day I lost you, I thought I was only doing what I was supposed to. I spoiled you because you deserved it, I never thought I liked it just as much, but Binghe, pushing you away was my biggest regret. That bamboo house felt lonely without you, I buried my love for my favorite disciple along with your Zheng Yang, behind our home but that never stopped me from missing you. Please, believe this master when he says there was not a single day he did not think of you."
Luo Binghe does believe him. How could he not, when Shen Qingqiu is being so sincere? So open?
"I knew we'd meet again but I thought the little boy I raised was dead. I thought you'd get corrupted and hate me to the core so every time you asked me about my regrets I assumed that even if I told the truth it would sound like a lie and would only make you angrier."
He pauses and Luo Binghe stays silent, obedient, while his master gathers his thoughts. Eventually, Shen Qingqiu takes a deep breath and keeps going, "Binghe, despite not being completely honest from the start, protecting you, putting my life on the line; those were my own choices. I knew nothing bad would happen to you, but I didn't want to take any risks. I didn't want to lose you."
"You'll never lose me, Shizun." Luo Binghe says, turning his head slightly to the side to kiss his husband's hand before taking it into his own, lacing their fingers. "My body, my soul, my strength, everything I am belongs to you."
Now Shen Qingqiu is the one getting flustered, his wide eyes staring at their hands, "Binghe… Let this master finish…" He's scolding but there's no bite to it. Luo Binghe nods anyway, "When you told me you wanted to destroy Qing Jing Peak so I wouldn't have any choice but to be with you, I was disappointed because I thought I'd been too late and you were beyond saving but when I realized the only person who could bring my Binghe back was me and that I wanted nothing more but to look into your eyes without feeling guilty and make you happy, there was no other answer."
He pulls his hands back and climbs Luo Binghe's lap, straddling him and wrapping his arms around his neck, his fingers digging into his scalp and pulling on his hair softly. Luo Binghe watches but holds Shen Qingqiu's waist by instinct, bringing him even closer.
"I chose you then, Binghe and I choose you everyday. This husband will continue to choose you until the end of time. I am happy and for once, I have no regrets."
"Shizun…" There's a lump in Luo Binghe's throat but the tears blocking his eyesight are happy ones, he's never felt so loved.
Shen Qingqiu's expression changes suddenly, his eyes widen and narrow, "I changed my mind, I do have one regret." But before Luo Binge can start overthinking he clarifies, "From now on, you don't need to refer to me as Shizun all the time. Call me…" He chews on his bottom lip nervously but smiles, "Shen Yuan. That's my real name."
"Shen Yuan?" His Shiz— Shen Yuan nods, so Luo Binghe says it again, more confidently, "Shizun! Shen Qingqiu! Shen Yuan! Yuan! A-Yuan! Yuan-ge!" His voice gets louder each time, a wide grin spreading on his lips as he tests the name on his tongue.
Shen Yuan's face is getting redder as well, bashful at the adoration in his husband's voice, "That's right, no need to call so many times! You can also say husband."
Husband… Luo Binghe will never tire of hearing this word come out of Shen Yuan's lips, "Then Yuan-ge does it too." He says, leaning in to press his mouth against Shen Yuan's, "I love you, husband." He whispers and in the quiet of their bamboo house, his master's eyes seem to shine.
Shen Yuan purses his lips, kisses the corners of Luo Binghe's and clears his throat, "I love you too…" Then, under the gaze of his most beloved person, he adds shyly "Husband…"
And Luo Binghe knows his dreams will have nothing on him from now on, for every hurtful word thrown at him by the past would instantly be won over by his Shizun's confession.
They may have had a lifetime of regrets before, but in the end, they chose each other, so there's nothing to be done but stand by that choice. In his heart, Luo Binghe will continue to choose Shen Yuan until the end of the world, not unlike what he has been doing ever since his master first looked at him with affection.
And at last, he knows it will be the same for the one he loves.