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The chittering of hamsters and the occasional clink of metal or plastic have been the only sounds for hours. Too upset and understimulated to move, Gundham has sat with his Devas for the whole day.
He's fine with this, of course. One as wretched as himself serves no purpose other than to care for the animals he holds dear. No one on this island would wish to see him anyway, especially not in this sorry state. Half of them would think he's acting and the other half wouldn't care. Good for them. They know better than to associate themselves with a being such as him. So, he just sits there… staring at his Devas. Praying, not for the first time, that they never realize how horrid he truly is and decide to run away. He thinks that would be his breaking point. He has lived through so much in his short life, but if his Feared… his beloved Four Dark Devas ever left his side? He doesn't think he could survive.
He wouldn't blame them, though. He gets it. No one wants to know the real Gundham and he's perfectly content keeping it that way. Or so he repeats to himself.
Gundham does figure he should get up soon, though. It has been hours; by now, his legs are numb and his throat is scratchy. He lets out a long sigh and gathers his Devas into his scarf. They nuzzle up against him for warmth, and he's too tired to fight off the warm smile that grows on his face. He pads to the bathroom, catching a glimpse of himself. He winces at the scars. They litter his arm, cover his eye, and are sprinkled just about all over his form. Immediately, he resolves to get ready, just so he may not have to look upon these marks and remember everything that has happened to him. Again.
2:35 PM shines brightly from the clock on his dresser. It's never too late to start the day, he reasons, as he carefully puts together his outfit, as to not disturb the image he has spent so long attempting to cultivate. The Devas assist in locating some of the smaller aspects of his ensemble, something Gundham is eternally grateful for. He gets out his make up and hairbrush, setting everything up so that he may prepare for the (albeit short) day ahead. His ritual, however, is rudely interrupted by an all too practiced knock to his door. He jumps, despite the knocks tame nature, and scrambles to get himself together quietly enough so that the potential intruder may believe he isn't in his cabin.
"Gundham?" Sonia calls, hand twisted in hand, worried yet curious. "Gundham, it is nearly 3 and I have seen hide nor hair of you all day! I have grown worried."
Gundham stays silent. Maybe she'll believe he's in the trees searching for animals, though he already knows there's nothing of note. Or that he's dead. That would be upsetting, for her.
"Gundham, I do hope you know I know you are in there! I am simply worried for you, I do not wish upon you any ill will."
Oh. Gundham stays frozen, unsure of what to do. He truly cares for Sonia, moreso than any other mortal that inhabits this island, and he doesn't want her to worry on his behalf. On the other hand, he does not want for her to see him like this. Or hear him like this, even. She shouldn't burden herself with the knowledge of his true form. It shows the evils he is nice enough to hide from these pitiful mortals.
"Gundham! I will employ Akane's help to break down this door you refuse to answer once more!"
That, finally, gets Gundham to decide. Not for fear of a broken cabin, no, for fear of the mention of Nekomaru. Akane brings him up in almost every conversation they have… their bond is strong. And it simply makes Gundham feel ever the more upset about his actions, furious at himself and what he did. He did it for his classmates, and Nekomaru was compliant, but… he can't stand to think about this any longer now. He stalks over to the door and opens it just a touch, so he may see Sonia, but so she will not be able to see the full him.
"Ah! There you are, Gundham. Would you wish to accompany me to the restaurant? I got caught up in researching Genocide Jack again, and forgot about lunch, and figured you may have done similarly!" Sonia chuckles, and the smile she gives does not reach her eyes. They're tired, and full of concern.
"Yes, well…hah. Of course, the Supreme Overlord of Ice has no need for such frivolous mortal activities like lunch. I'll be fine. Leave me be, my Dark Queen." Gundham begins to shut his door, hoping this shoddily crafted ruse may work; much to his chagrin, it doesn't.
Sonia sticks her hand in the doors crack, staring Gundham down. "Even overlords need to eat, is this not so?"
"Well- ugh. Such foolishness. Can't you see a hellish being such as I cannot go to eat? My true form is showing, your mortal eyes would melt at the sight of my terrible power."
"Hmmm… would my eyes melt at the sight, Gundham?"
"Perhaps. I could not say. It is better to be safe than sorry, however, and I must implore you to leave the doorsteps to my cabin at once."
Immediately and against his wishes, Sonia began to push open the door. In his surprise, Gundham lost the will to hold the door steady, and ended up stumbling into sitting on his bed. Sonia is so much stronger than he; he admires that. However, he does now have an expressionless Sonia looking at his true form. Realizing his misstep, he scrambles to cover himself in sheets, as to not harm Sonia.
"L- like I said. I do not require a meal, and your gaze upon my visage may do irreparable harm! Begone, foul best, before my form gets to you too!"
Sonia steps in, hands behind her back, staring at the lump of sheets on the bed that is Gundham. “I just beheld your form for a moment, and here I am still! I am perfectly fine. You do not need to worry.” She walks up to him, and carefully sits next to him. Not too close to touch, but just close enough to be reassuring. Gundham is very appreciative, though he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t quite know how.
“I… gh, I suppose. You have a presence stronger than any mortal on this godforsaken island, so… it does make sense that you did not disintegrate at first glance. Do exercise caution, once I remove the bed covering, as it may still prove to hurt you.” Gundham doesn’t say that he is worried for her wellbeing upon seeing his form. He doesn’t say that he couldn’t bear to exist if his form did actually cause her harm. He doesn’t say anything. He just slowly removes the sheets, praying Sonia was correct.
Shoving the sheets to the side, he crosses his arms and does not make eye contact with Sonia. He couldn’t bear to see her fear, disgust, or pity. The Devas attempt to press up against Gundham’s neck, nestling into him even more, trying to bring any sense of comfort. He does appreciate it, but his fear for Sonia’s wellbeing is too strong to be sedated, even by his Deva's might.
"Are those infected?"
"The- what?"
She points at Gundham's wretched arm, littered in scars from animals and others. Some are fresher than others, still the red of fresh scabs. Others are inflamed, and he knows he should take care of them. He knows he shouldn't allow himself, the Forbidden One, to succumb to such a pitiful wound, but… he must suffer through this pain. It prepares him for the death he knows is coming, the inevitable torturous demise he will face once all he cares for leaves him. He needs to be ready.
"I suppose they may be. I'll get over it."
"That's…" She sighs. "You won't, really. You must deal with these sorts of things to grow. Even if it is something as miniscule as a wound!"
Gundham casts Sonia a glance, just to attempt to gauge her intentions. By now, he is relatively sure she is not out to harm him, but he can never be sure. It is always better to check.
She does appear quite worried, hands wringing together in her lap as she stares at him with an inquisitive yet care filled look in her eyes.
"Well… perhaps I could, uh, take care of that. Just… give me a moment. When I return, tell me why you truly came? Surely, it was not just for my own sake."
Gundham stalks off to the bathroom before Sonia has the time to reply. She sighs in frustration. She thought she had gotten through to him, got him to trust her, but she supposes years of hardships cannot be solved by one girl. But she is not just a girl… Sonia is more than that. She must be. For her people, Sonia must be a princess, and for the moment, she must utilize that for Gundham.
She has been trying to work on that as well; Gundham himself has helped, even, but… one boy isn't enough to solve years of hardships. But she's trying, dammit, and sometimes you have to go back on your progress a touch to assist your dearest friend in a dark moment. Sonia realizes this is unhealthy. She does not care. She is used to pain for the sake of princesshood. She will continue to try, as she has been in the months since the Neo World Program (since she snapped at Souda after awakening, since she began to work through her own issues alongside Fuyuhiko; the only one capable of understanding her exact situation, since slowly awakening everyone else, since, since, since…). Sonia is fine, dammit, and it will stay that way if she has any say in it. She simply must channel her princesshood. She's working through it. It's. Fine. She's. Fine.
Snapped out of her own mind by the click of the bathroom door, Gundham steps out with a freshly wrapped arm. She hopes he actually disinfected it, and did not just rinse it in water. He takes fantastic care of the Devas so he must do the same for himself, right? Sonia reassures herself with this thought.
Gundham, however, is not reassured. Spending the whole duration of the time in the bathroom convincing himself he is not worthy of the medical attention he was actively giving himself, he leaves the bathroom feeling more anxious than usual. He sits down on the bed carefully, yet to look at Sonia.
"I am glad you have taken care of your arm, Gundham! Now, we, about your question… hmm. Well, I must admit my intentions were clear from the start! I was looking to bring you to the restaurant for lunch, if you hadn't had any yet." She pauses for a moment, humming. "Well… I suppose I may have also wished for you to accompany me so I would not have to potentially face Souda on my own, though that was a very small desire compared to my worry!" She gives a grin, attempting to cheer him up. He can't fight the small smile that comes to him at that.
"A noble pursuit. You shouldn't have to face that cur alone, even if he has 'apologized' or… whatever. He is still quite insufferable, I must say."
Sonia laughs, smiling at Gundham, who is still staring at his own scarf. She notices the only vestiges of his typical outfit are said scarf and his Hell Hound earring, which he has been rubbing at incessantly this whole meeting. "Now, Gundham, I would still like for you to accompany me to the restaurant? Eating is quite important!"
"Kh… no one besides you can see this form." His hair is out of its usual style, brushing his chin, with a matching Hamtaro shirt and pajama bottoms, and a scarf and his earring. He just looks tired to Sonia. Nothing wretched about it.
To Gundham, however, each exposed scar and slip of skin is another spot for potential poisoning. Each detail away from his carefully crafted outfit is a weakness to exploit, a flaw to abandon him over, a trait to betray him over. He feels wretched, like the scum of the Earth. He feels that- oh, God, Sonia has seen his true form. What this forbodes has just came to him. She didn't disintegrate because she is the Dark Queen, he is a fool, but this may prove that she instead will leave him. He doesn't comprehend or see any other way. He wraps in on himself, an attempt to stave off the panic encroaching upon his mind. He wraps his arms around his legs, placing his head on his knees, getting as small as he possibly can. He hasn't heard anything Sonia has said, and rapidly blinks to try and ground himself. It does not work. He's clearly messing this up so tragically, and Sonia will leave (as she should- she should not have to deal with his own faults), and she will tell the others and Hajime and Komaeda will never wish to talk with him again (as they should, as well- he is not deserved of their love and attention), and he will be betrayed once more and this time he would deserve it even more. This is simply all the will of causality; he caused this. Everyone will leave and it's all his fault. He-
With a feeling of a cool hand on his unwrapped arm, Gundham is ripped out of his panic spiral. He realizes he had started crying. Huh. He also realizes Sonia has been talking at him this entire time, attempting to calm him down and ascertain if he is alright. Maybe he should attempt to tune back in to what she is saying.
"...crying, oh no, can you hear me now? I am sorry for placing an arm on you I do know you hate that but you had started mumbling things that were all certainly untrue and you could not hear me so I just wanted to snap you out of that so I could assist you but if that was a misstep I truly apologize and-"
Gundham places his wrapped hand on Sonia's after much internal deliberation. She looks at him with surprise, and he fights back a wince. He hates to break his carefully crafted facade like this, but… it is necessary.
"I… am fine. I am sorry you had to witness that. You most likely wish to leave now, which I understand. Do not stay for my sake. I am sure Hajime, or perhaps Peko or Nagito or the Imposter, would gladly accompany you to the restaurant to fend off that wretched mechanic."
"No, Gundham, you are not fine! You have not been outside all day today, you just started shaking out of the blue, and you have been neglecting to care for your own wounds! Something is wrong, I know it."
"I- I. Why do you keep sticking by my side? After so long? After what I have done? You clearly are no Kotodama user, that would have been revealed to me if you were, so what is the point?" Gundham removes his bandaged hand from Sonia's, wrapping his arms around himself once again. "You've seen more of me than any mortal ever has and yet you stay, yet you survive, yet you… are you. I don't understand! Why me? I've done nothing to deserve your kindness, or even your presence!"
He takes a shaky breath and puts his head in his hands. "I killed our friend. I killed him. And you still try to defend me, to help me. I am horrible, I only bring pain, and eventually all the pain I have caused will be turned around on me and I will die and then this world may finally be free from the sin that is myself. You do not have to deal with a terrible creature such as I, Sonia."
"Gundham… forgive me if this is too forward but-" She twists to face him and crushes him in a hug. Gundham is powerless to stop the gasp and tears that follow. He attempts to wrap his arms around her as well, but cannot bring himself to do so.
"Gundham, what you just said was a whole bunch of bullshit! Please excuse my language. We all care about you so much, you know! We all love you! The others who committed crimes much worse than your own in the Neo World Program are still loved, Gundham. You do not need to hole yourself up in your room or pretend to be big and strong for all of us to respect and care for you. There is no reason or ulterior motive for this as well, you know, we love and care for you simply because you are our friend! Nothing more! You do not have to do anything to deserve kindness."
Sonia squeezes him, and retracts from the hug, hands still placed on his shoulders. She takes in this Gundham for a moment. Scowling, eyes red with tears, face scars natural and uncovered.
"You can be yourself. We will not hate you for it."
She removes her hands, once again wringing them together in her lap. She gives him a weak smile, watching as he rubs at his eyes and wraps his own arms back around himself.
"I- I don't-" He sighs, attempting to collect himself. "I don't quite… believe all that. It seems- it does seem as though it may be truthful. But I have seen this been proven so drastically incorrect in the past and I. I appreciate your words. Truly, I do, that… was probably the nicest thing someone has ever said to me. But…"
"I understand that! I do! One speech is not enough to clear all your worries. I do hope, at least in the meantime, you will accompany me to the restaurant now? I'm sure this whole ordeal has made you much hungrier than you previously were."
He gives a weak smile, truly looking at Sonia for the first time since she arrived. She's put together, but still messy. She clearly had spent a while gathering reading materials in the library, rushing about, and this whole moment with himself most likely rumpled her clothes and hair further. And caused the reddening of her eyes.
"I suppose you are right. Um… do you think anyone would be there at this hour? I don't really wish to get ready, but I do not want for anyone to get hurt by my visage."
"Well… if anyone were to be there, it would be Hajime and Nagito, but even of that I am not sure. Most of us are out doing something, or hanging out with someone! I believe you will be alright."
Gundham looks over himself, and sighs. "Okay. If you say so, my Dark Queen. Let us depart."
They both arise, and Sonia grabs Gundham's hand as they walk out his cabin door. He buries his head in his scarf, being led to the restaurant by Sonia's hand in his. He peaks up from where he's buried in his scarf to see if anyone is around the building and spots no one. Relieved, he stuffs his head back into his scarf as the walk in. Sonia squeezes his hand, and he looks. Oh. Stairs. He pushes down his scarf to make the climb, and when they reach the second floor he blanches.
"...actually know what a toucan is, y'know, I just forgot the word for it! C'mon Nagito, you can't think I'm that stupid."
"No, no, Hajime! I don't! I just find it quite funny! It's a toucan, how do you forget that?"
Gundham stops. He stares at them, terrified of when they finally notice his entrance, they'll be hurt and it will be his fault. He never admits it out loud, but he's in love with these two. He couldn't stand to see them in any more pain than he's already seen them in, especially at his own hand.
He mumbles. "Oh, god." And then they notice him.
"Oh! Gundham, Sonia, hi! Come join us for lunch, will you two?" Nagito says with a smile, seemingly unaware (or just unacknowledging) of Gundham's compromised state.
"Yeah, hey guys. Come help me defend myself against this dumbass, please? You guys have forgotten words before right? C'mon."
Sonia laughs, and walks over with a silent Gundham in tow. "Of course. It's quite common, in fact, and I'm sure you've done it in the past as well Nagito."
"Ah, of course, you-" Abruptly cutting himself off mid sentence, he takes a breath, then shakes his head, and grabs Hajime's hand. Although Gundham is still a wreck with worry, he is able to spot Nagito's improvement. Unlike himself, who has been pretending they are perfectly alright despite the glaring evidence against that, Nagito has attempted to work on himself. Hajime has been an integral part of the process (with Nagito helping him in turn, of course, everything with Izuru was not just solved after his revelation in the program), and Gundham has been as well. He's incredibly proud of them both. They've never heard that from him, though.
"I! Yes. I have forgotten words in the past, but it's just fun to rag on Hajime." He laughs, and squeezes Hajime's hand. Hajime smiles back, before looking at Gundham with concern.
"You okay, Gundham? You've been awfully quiet, and you look like you're gonna throw up or something."
"The- you- I didn't-" He exhales shakily, attempting to gain composure. "I did not expect for either of you to be here and have been dreadfully afraid this whole exchange that upon a look you two would disintegrate at the sight of me but Hajime is the singularity and Nagito is stronger than many other mortals but you are still just that, mortals, and I couldn't live with myself if I brought you two harm and although Sonia has been alright I had no idea if you two would also possess this immunity to this most potent of poisons and I was terrified, and- I." He buries his face in his hands once more. "I have said too much."
He takes a moment, before backtracking. "Forget all that. The Supreme Overlord of Ice should not feel worry for fools like you, or even in general. Ugh." He flops his hands onto the table and grimaces.
Nagito gives him a small smile, before reaching across the table to rest a hand on his. Gundham almost feels like he's about to pass out from all of the attention he's been getting. "Gundham, you just seem tired to me. I've been looking at you the whooole time and I'm perfectly fine. And that's not even my luck, I know it!"
Hajime nods, and slides his own plate over to Gundham. "I think you need some food. You weren't out here for breakfast, and you look like a wreck, so just take a minute to recover."
Sonia squeezes his hand in hers once more. "Listen to them! They are right. I will go and get some food as well and we will have lunch together, alright?" She raises, and begins to walk away, before turning for a moment and adding, "I'll also block the entrances. Just in case someone else tries to come up."
They all know she means Akane. Gundham is grateful; he couldn't deal with any other person today, especially not one who would only serve as a reminder of his horrid misdeed.
"Now, Gundham, have you ever forgotten a word?"
He realizes this is an attempt at distraction from his worries, and he gladly takes it.
"Never! I am far too great to have a lapse in thought that annoying."
Nagito and Hajime exchange a quick glance of acknowledgment. They realize Gundham has quickly built his persona back up from that moment of vulnerability, and just decide to let him. They can't begin attempting to tear down his walls right now, he's already shown more of himself in his appearance and earlier admittance than he has in the few months since the program's demise.
"Of course, Gundham. Now, if you remember so well, what is the word for a shape with 10 sides, again? I seem to have forgotten." Nagito says with a grin, and Hajime nearly gives him a death glare.
"See, now I know you just love messing with me. It's not my fault I didn't know the word octagon in a different language!"
"Yes, but it's still funny!"
Nagito smiles at Gundham, who's clearly been thinking quite hard about the answer. "Well, do you remember?"
"It's… well…"
"Ah, you don't remember, do you? A shame. I don't remember it either!"
"What!? Well then why did you ask me, if you did not know the answer yourself?"
"Oh, I wanted to know!"
Sonia walks back over and takes a seat right at the end of the exchange. Nagito looks at her with a smile. "Ah, Sonia! Do you know the name of a 10 sided shape?"
"It's a decagon! Why?"
"No reason!" Gundham sighs at Nagito's answer, but they can all tell it was fond. He's calmed down thanks to this distraction (and the food). Hajime, Nagito, and Sonia continue to chatter on about everything and anything while they eat. Gundham listens and occasionally interjects, just reveling in the love he's allowing himself to feel in this moment. The Devas leave his scarf and walk around the table, climbing up his friends and resting in their hair. Gundham himself may not be able to show all the love he feels, but his Devas sure can.
His fear for his friends wellbeing has been quelled, for now, and he's just glad today has gone the way it did. He feels like he's on the road to improvement, and although one conversation won't heal him, he knows Sonia's words will stick with him for as long as he lives.
And perhaps, with that, he'll finally allow himself to tell them all how much he loves them.