Chapter Text
Due to his high position as an executive in the mafia, multiple jobs one after the other was nothing new to Chuuya. He was used to pulling all-nighters on more than one occasion to get said jobs done, and usually forgot to eat or sleep unless he was reminded to by either Hirotsu or Kouyou.
Chuuya found himself lucky on a Wednesday night when Mori finally relented and gave him a break, telling him there would be no more work for him to do for at least the next twenty four hours. Chuuya had excused himself and hurried home where he knew a certain mummy was already waiting for him with blessed take-out, but it was still nice to be swept up in an overenthusiastic hug the moment he walked through the door.
The redhead knew he wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep as he should have been, so when the world started to dull and his normal activities lost their joy Chuuya shrugged it off as exhaustion. He continued on with work, easily crawling into bed with a certain mackerel and asleep before his head even hit the pillow.
Chuuya awoke against Dazai’s bandaged chest, a low rumbling vibrating underneath his skin from his partner’s snores and lulling him back to sleep. He drew lazy patterns on Dazai’s arm, snorting as the brunette’s face scrunched up in his sleep. Chuuya reached up to kiss Dazai’s cheek and smiled in satisfaction as his face smoothed out again, the other subconsciously pulling Chuuya closer. It was one of the rare times their days off aligned, meaning they could sleep as late as they wanted.
“Stupid dogs,” Dazai muttered in his delirium, and the smile faded off Chuuya’s lips. He wondered what Dazai was dreaming about to make him say such a thing.
Chuuya shifted in the other’s hold so he was lying on his back, Dazai’s arm trapped underneath his shoulders. His eyes tried to keep up with the ceiling fan as it spun in lazy circles to keep the circulation in the room moving, but he eventually stopped when his eyes began to tire.
Why am I in this world? Chuuya pondered to himself, folding his hands over his stomach. I contribute nothing except death.
It was pathetic, really.
Alarm bells rang somewhere in the distance inside Chuuya, a part of him vaguely realizing these weren’t his normal thoughts. Static quickly drowned it out and a withering silence replaced it, colder than winter’s sharp breath.
I should just off myself, no one would miss me anyway. I don’t even have my trump card since Dazai and I aren’t partners anymore, officially anyway. I’m useless to Mori.
Chuuya tilted his head to look at Dazai at the reminder of him in his thoughts, his husband’s face relaxed and serene. Dazai was warm and so unbelievably human in every way, understanding humanity in a way other people could only dream of.
The mafioso suddenly felt trapped in the place he normally considered safe, his insides crawling like maggots. He managed to twist his way out of Dazai’s death grip without waking him and tiptoed to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.
Chuuya glanced at himself in the mirror, nothing in him reacting to the lifeless puppet eyes that stared back at him. His reflection brought a hand up to his face and Chuuya felt himself doing the same, cold fingers making contact with the soft skin on his cheek and making his nerves jump.
This body doesn’t belong to me.
Chuuya’s eyes widened in the mirror at the thought, because deep down he knew it was true. He was nothing but a clone made in a lab, of course this body wasn’t his.
Panic lashed out in Chuuya’s chest and he stumbled back, tripping over his own feet and landing with a thud on the tiled floor of the bathroom. His back crashed against the edge of the bathtub as he fell, and he gasped subconsciously at the pain. There was shuffling coming from the bedroom on the other side of the door and Chuuya curled into a ball, willing everything around him to just disappear.
This body isn’t mine. This body isn’t mine, it’s not real. This body isn’t mine it’s not real I’m not real I’m not real-
A glint of metal caught the edge of Chuuya’s vision and he looked up, his razor sitting on the edge of the tub and begging to be used. He reached out with a shaky hand and grabbed it, running his thumb over the blades and using the tip of his nail to see if one of the blades would wiggle loose.
A vision of a bleeding Dazai flashed in front of Chuuya, refusing to look at him as he showed the redhead his scars for the first time. Chuuya remembered running his hands over them and telling Dazai he was beautiful, scars or not.
Another memory played of Dazai sitting on the bathroom floor, clutching a razor the same way Chuuya was doing. Blood dripped off the brunette’s skin and pooled on the floor to reflect his hollow gaze, but back then Chuuya had said nothing as he cleaned Dazai’s wounds and covered them in fresh bandages.
Chuuya dropped the razor as if he had been burned, scrambling away from it and hugging his knees close to him. He held his arms in between his legs and chest, his nails digging into his forearms in an effort to keep himself from hyperventilating. His throat restricted regardless, forcing Chuuya to open his mouth in an effort to get air in. Fog snaked into his head and blurred the world, Chuuya just barely catching the knock at the door.
“Chibi, are you in there?”
Dazai, that was Dazai. He sounded half asleep from the way his words slurred together, and Chuuya couldn’t find the motivation to answer him. He tried to make himself smaller if possible, shutting out the world and wishing he could just vanish.
A door opened and then Dazai was standing in front of him, kneeling down before Chuuya could tell him to go away. A hand was placed on his knee and Chuuya flinched violently, too far gone to feel guilty when Dazai quickly backtracked.
“I’m going to touch you, is that okay?” Dazai tried again, giving Chuuya a verbal warning before gently prying his head up to take his husband’s face in his hands. Dazai forced them to lock their gazes together and Chuuya crumbled because he knew Dazai saw, saw everything going on in his wretched mind the moment their eyes met.
Monster.
Clone.
Arahabaki.
I’m not human.
Chuuya didn’t miss the way Dazai’s eyelids drooped before he leaned forward to kiss his forehead, the brunette pulling his hands back after to let his partner’s head drop again. Chuuya heard Dazai stand and his footsteps pad across the floor, and his heart jumped. Dazai was leaving again, he was leaving because humans can’t love monsters and Dazai was never coming back and Chuuya was going to be alone-
“Sweetheart,” Dazai spoke, and Chuuya raised his eyes from the floor to see his husband crouched in front of him again. He held a wet washcloth in his hand and Chuuya looked down, seeing blood streaking his forearms like red tears from where his nails had cut through the skin. Chuuya supposed he should have been more alarmed at his own lack of emotion as he stared at the crimson falling down onto the tile, but it only added to the growing void inside him.
Dazai gently took Chuuya’s wrist so he could pull his arm toward, wiping away the blood with practiced strokes. Chuuya remained silent throughout the process, only moving to take his arm back when Dazai was finished with it and holding out the other one for him to work on.
Dazai did Chuuya’s fingers next, getting the blood and dead skin that accumulated underneath his fingernails. Dazai stood up to discard the washcloth in the laundry bin when he was finished making sure Chuuya was completely clean, keeping his movements lethargic so as to not spook his partner.
Dazai had on an expression Chuuya couldn’t decipher in his mental state when the other returned, his hand held out in a silent offer. Chuuya’s lower lip trembled dangerously as he placed his hands in Dazai’s and let his partner pull him up. His backside protested from sitting on the hard floor for so long and from his earlier fall, but he ignored the pain.
Dazai led them out of the dark bathroom and into their living room where all the shades had been drawn back, letting the natural morning light flow in and coat the entire room in gold. The sun’s warm rays danced across Chuuya’s skin and he shivered, not realizing how cold he had become. Arahabaki stirred inside him, kicking up a fuss and reminding him that explosions produced warm light, too. The mafioso gulped, his pulse spiking again.
Humans can’t create black holes with their bare hands.
“Love,” Dazai called to get his attention again, carefully taking his hands. No Longer Human washed over Chuuya like cool water after being in the heat too long and he resisted the urge to sigh in relief as Arahabaki retreated, silenced for the time being. Dazai placed one of Chuuya’s hands on his waist before guiding his hand to the brunette’s own hip, clasping their free hands together.
“What’re you doing?” Chuuya mumbled, utterly confused. Dazai winked and smiled mischievously, removing his hand from Chuuya’s waist to slip his phone out of his pocket. Chuuya watched dumbfounded as Dazai scrolled through his device, clicking a few times before he seemed satisfied with whatever he had done. Dazai returned his phone to his pocket and his hand to where it had been on Chuuya’s waist, and a few seconds later soft piano filtered out of the speakers Dazai had insisted on installing around the house.
Chuuya instantly recognized the melody, everything inside his mind pausing in shock. It was the exact same song Dazai had played before asking Chuuya to marry him, and it was played once more at their wedding. Chuuya hadn’t heard the song in years, he and Dazai too wrapped up in their respective work to reminisce.
“Honeybee, could you imagine where our lives would lead?” Dazai began to sing, slowly swaying them to the rhythm. Chuuya jolted at the sudden movement, forcing himself out of his daze so he didn’t accidentally step on Dazai’s toes.
“That silly ring, it wasn’t meant to be; luckily you saw in me something I couldn’t see," Dazai continued, pulling where their hands were joined together closer to kiss the ring around Chuuya’s finger. It was a beautiful shade of solid black with a single gold band in the center, a matching ring on Dazai’s finger. Double Black, partners in every aspect of life.
“Honeybee, I can’t imagine how my life would be," Dazai smiled, resting his chin atop Chuuya’s head. “If all your gravity did not not hit me, oh, don’t you see? Darling, my honeybee.” Chuuya couldn’t help but let out a little snort at the lyrics, thinking back to the time where he had decked Dazai in the face before confessing. He had, quite literally, hit Dazai with gravity before No Longer Human nullified his ability.
“But here we are, after all the messes and confessions, to the stars. . . that we never really owned as ours.” Dazai picked up the part where Chuuya was supposed to come in, giving him time to clear his mind and relax before joining in. Chuuya’s chest ached with a different pressure than before and he rested his head against Dazai’s chest, just above where his heartbeat was. He closed his eyes as Dazai readjusted and leaned some of his weight against his partner, Dazai’s heartbeat filling every crevice of his mind and chasing away the dark thoughts while reminding him that Dazai was here, Dazai was alive.
“And if our world comes tumbling down, I never could forgive myself for leaving out; you’re the one, you are the only one. . .” Dazai’s voice dropped to a whisper and the lump in Chuuya’s throat returned, causing him to swallow thickly. Dazai’s hold on him tightened as if he could sense Chuuya’s budding emotions, and he rocked them back and forth.
“Such a fool, I took your love and I bent all the rules.” Dazai chuckled after singing that particular line, and Chuuya couldn’t help but quirk the corners of his mouth up a little at the truth of it all. His mackerel sure did have a way of turning his life upside down in all the best ways possible.
“You took the blow and didn’t let it show, stuck around to let me know, built a family of our own," Dazai sang, although quieter than before, and Chuuya didn’t miss the twinge of guilt in his partner’s voice. He lifted his head off Dazai’s chest, slowly so Dazai wouldn’t get smacked in the chin, and Chuuya’s heart split down the middle when Dazai just gave him a soft smile tainted with sorrow.
“Look around, we made a garden of the love we found,” Dazai forged on, leaning their foreheads together. Chuuya relished the contact and let out a little sigh he hadn’t known to be holding in, Arahabaki pleasantly quiet with Dazai nullifying his ability. “So many reasons I would fight to stay, you’re the courage when I fade, take a look at what we made.”
Chuuya inhaled deeply, attempting to soothe his mind. He gave Dazai’s hand a reassuring squeeze when the mackerel fixed him with a concerned look, not having the motivation to fully smile yet.
“We can stop if it’s too much,” Dazai offered but Chuuya shook his head, the pulsing behind his eyelids be damned.
“But here we are, after all the messes and confessions, to the sky. . . that we never really owned as ours,” Chuuya rose up in response to Dazai’s voice as an answer, singing his usual lines again. Dazai’s hand on his waist squeezed in encouragement, and that was all the motivation he needed. He grounded himself with Dazai’s constant presence, focusing on the feeling of bandages against his skin. Chuuya had once found the white cloth scratchy and uncomfortable, but now it put him at ease.
“And if our world comes tumbling down, I never could forgive myself for missing out; you’re the one, you are the only one,” Chuuya sang, although his voice was still a little unstable. Dazai hummed and kissed his forehead, silently urging him to continue.
“Won’t you decide? Won’t you decide?” Chuuya’s skin tingled where Dazai’s warm breath tickled his skin, and a pleasant shiver shook down his spine.“I want you to soar, don’t doubt anymore.”
“Little by little, we’ll meet in the middle,” Dazai joined in, inching forward to tease a kiss against Chuuya’s lips.
“Won’t you decide?” Chuuya carried on, his muscles relaxing despite himself. Dazai filled up every inch of his being, paving the way for light to shine through. It was a nice feeling to be cared for, if he was being honest.
“Middle, if that’s alright,” Dazai sang, and Chuuya tilted his head up to kiss his chin.
“Won’t you decide?” Chuuya repeated, holding out the last note.
“I hope you can hear me, I needed you,” Dazai responded, keeping their swaying across the room steady. The unspoken words rang out across the room but Chuuya heard them loud as day, the darkness in his soul fading evermore. I still need you.
“I want you to soar,” Chuuya answered. I need you, too.
“Near me to save my life. . ." Dazai trailed off and a new wave of emotion surged up inside Chuuya, wetness threatening to overtake his eyes. Dazai bumped their noses together with a shit-eating grin, and Chuuya had known his husband long enough to know it was his way of saying I love you.
“Don’t doubt anymore,” Chuuya sang, the words coming out more like an order than lyrics. Dazai laughed then, genuinely. Before Chuuya could react Dazai spun him underneath his arm and dipped him down like they did in those fancy dance shows Chuuya claimed to hate but secretly loved, Dazai’s hand behind him on his back to support him. Chuuya flushed red and Dazai pulled him up, slipping both arms around his waist instead of returning to their previous position and snuggling against him. Chuuya huffed but relented, wrapping his arms around his partner in return.
“Let’s keep this between you and I. . .” Dazai sang lowly, voice dripping like honey and causing a shiver to bolt through Chuuya’s veins.
“And if our world comes tumbling down, I never could forgive myself for leaving out. . .” Chuuya whispered into the space between them, pausing before the chorus started up again to savor the feeling of having someone to hold. Dazai must have sensed his thoughts because he buried his nose into Chuuya’s hair, inhaling deeply and kissing the top of his head.
“And if our world comes tumbling down, I never could forgive myself for leaving out; you’re the one, you are the only one.” Dazai joined Chuuya as the chorus swelled up like the summer heat, their voices mixing and weaving together as if they were always meant to be. With everything they had been through, maybe they were.
“And if our world comes tumbling down, I never could forgive myself, I’ll say it now.” As they approached the end of the song Dazai pulled back so the embrace became loose but still firm, his beautiful dark honey orbs wrinkling around the edges with his smile as he gazed at Chuuya with all the love in the world. Chuuya found himself breathless at the sight, the last line being sung with less force than intended as to not break the soft atmosphere.
“You’re the one, you are the only one.”
For a moment Chuuya was hesitant to speak up, but was spared from saying anything when Dazai pressed a kiss to his nose.
“Darling,” he drawled with a lazy grin, pressing his next kiss to Chuuya’s cheek.
“My dream.” A kiss on his other cheek.
“Slug.” His temple.
“My love.” His other temple.
“My petite mafioso.” His forehead.
“Osamu, if you don’t kiss me on the lips in the next five seconds I swear to fucking god,” Chuuya snapped fondly, but his dancing azure orbs betrayed how angry he was pretending to be. Dazai played along and clutched his chest dramatically, mocking fake hurt.
“My beloved, you wound me!” Dazai cried, and the redhead rolled his eyes at his partner’s antics. Dazai’s features softened out as he returned to Chuuya, gently sealing his lips in a long kiss.
“My life,” Dazai murmured when he finally pulled away, and Chuuya melted. The darkness was still there, forever lurking, but it had slunk to the back of his mind for now. Dazai seemed to know what he was thinking because he took Chuuya’s chin and lifted his head up so they could see each other properly, adoration the only thing on Dazai’s expression.
“You’re the most human person I’ve ever met, darling,” Dazai assured him, no trace of uncertainty anywhere in his tone. “And if you’re not, we’ll just be no longer human together. That’s what partners are for, after all. But I can assure you, if you weren’t human you wouldn’t be worrying about it.”
Chuuya’s throat threatened to close for a nth time so he just nodded, vaguely wondering how the hell he managed to luck out as much as he had.
“I should be the one thinking that, love,” Dazai grinned, and Chuuya’s usual irritation returned in full force. Damn geniuses.
“I have one more thing to show you,” Dazai piped up before Chuuya could smack him and the mafioso tilted his head to the side, curious. Chuuya let himself be dragged across the apartment, humoring the other. Dazai didn’t glance back once, and Chuuya prepared himself for the worst.
Dazai sat Chuuya down at the kitchen table before scurrying away, returning a few moments later with a cardboard box in his hands. Chuuya raised an eyebrow as the brunette set it down on the table, opening it and taking out two black fedora hats. Dazai reached into the box once more, taking out. . . multiple containers of glitter and glue.
“Umm,” Chuuya started, not entirely sure where his husband was going with this. Dazai’s head snapped up, and Chuuya was taken aback by how his honey orbs gleamed with a certain light that meant he was up to no good. Chuuya regarded the other cautiously as the taller man took a seat next to him, placing one hat in front of Chuuya and taking the other for himself.
“Chibi’s hats are always so ugly, so I figured we’d use glitter to make them better!” Dazai exclaimed cheerfully, ignoring Chuuya’s puzzled look as he grabbed the glue and lathered some on the fedora. His tongue stuck out in concentration as he took one of the glitter bottles and dumped approximately half of it onto the poor hat, covering the black fabric in a shiny pink glow.
“See?” Dazai beamed and raised the monstrosity for the other to see while Chuuya just blinked at him, momentarily forgetting the reason why Dazai was doing all of this in the first place.
Chuuya glanced back at the other blank hat Dazai had gotten for him, contemplating before deciding he didn’t really care and tugging the hat towards him to be massacred. He picked up the glue bottle Dazai handed him and hesitated, sparing a glance at husband. Dazai simply grinned and gestured to the hat, as if to say go on.
Chuuya raised the glue and applied some to the top of the hat, his eyebrows pinching together as he experimented and drew a few circles with the glue. He took the glitter next, sprinkling it on carefully before holding his work up for Dazai to inspect.
“Beautiful, honey,” Dazai complimented, not an ounce of mocking or teasing in his tone. He sounded genuine, and it almost made Chuuya smile. Almost.
Thirty minutes later found Dazai and Chuuya sat at the kitchen table covered in glitter from head to toe, glue making their hair stick up at odd angles. Dazai was positively glowing, cradling his ruined hat to his chest. Chuuya’s own hat wasn’t much better off, a burst of colors splashed across a black fabric and white glue background.
“Chuuya, look,” Dazai said to get his attention, plopping the hat on his head and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
“Are you trying to seduce me?” Chuuya asked, amused.
“Is it working?” Dazai perked up, the perfect image of innocence to anyone aside from Chuuya.
Dazai’s face was entirely covered in glitter, and there was a dab of drying glue on his nose that he would most definitely whine about later when Chuuya had to peel it off. Dazai looked triumphant, proudly wearing the stupid hat he made alongside Chuuya just in an effort to distract him from himself.
He looked nothing short of ethereal.
A wide smile broke out across Chuuya’s features for the first time in what felt like weeks, and maybe it had been. He knew the spark of joy wouldn’t last long before it was swept away by the cold again so he leaned forward, stealing a gentle kiss on Dazai’s lips. Dazai responded in an instant, his hand sliding around his husband’s neck and keeping him locked in place as Chuuya poured as much affection as he could into the simple action that meant so much.
Chuuya eventually had to pull away for air, pecking Dazai on the nose as an apology and promise they could pick up where they left off another time when he was feeling better.
“Thank you, Osamu,” Chuuya said softly. He meant it with everything he had in him, unable to fathom how he had lucked out as much as he had.
“Anything for you, my darling,” Dazai sighed happily, pulling Chuuya into a hug. The redhead let him, savoring the warmth Dazai radiated. It was then that Chuuya realized how exhausted he was, but it was the lazy type of exhaustion that left him feeling full and content. He smiled for the second time into Dazai’s shirt, knowing when he got better he would look back at this memory with fondness.
You really are the only one, Osamu.