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The second month passed so fast because of their midterms and work, they didn’t get to spend time together.
Today was their last exams though and hyunjin is not feeling well. He wants to go home and spend a day with minho and jisung before their weekly gathering this weekend.
Seungmin isn’t with him today, he went to his family’s after his exam and said he’ll stay there for two days.
It’s a good thing because hyunjin can have the place for himself, but it’s also a bad thing because he’s by himself.
The walls seem so wide making him feel lonely, there’s no sounds around him except for the voices in his head getting louder by the minute.
The other bed in the room is empty, there’s no one to talk too. Two months ago he was afraid he won’t be able to live here because he’s so used to being alone and now he feels like something is wrong.
He’s always empty, sometimes he feels heavy because of this emptiness. Is he really empty? Or is he so full that he feels empty? Is he forcing himself to be empty because he’s afraid of getting hurt? Is this void another unhealthy coping mechanism he developed without noticing?
He tends to not notice things about himself, not care about himself, if others didn’t believe in him, he won’t be able to do anything.
It’s 1 am and he still can’t sleep so he gets up and writes in his diaries.
“8 may 2020, 1 am.
Dear diary,
It’s been a while, did you miss me?
I can’t sleep.. it’s nothing new iam sure you know this but it’s so weird this time. I think I can’t sleep because iam alone.
I always sleep alone so what’s new? Maybe I miss home? Would it be okay if I went home now?..”
He closes his diary, put it in his bag and leaves the house. Would it be okay if he went home? He kept thinking about this while aimlessly walking and listening to one song on repeat. (wait by m83)
He ended up in front of his home, hesitant. Should he just open the door and go to his room? Will he freak them out?
He reached for his keys and tried to open the door as silent as possible and was welcomed with a very comforting smell. He smiled because he always loved how he could smell places and people. Each place/person has a different scent. Not all people call tell the difference or even notice but to hyunjin he always remembered scents and sounds rather than faces and names.
He tried to sneak to his room silently not wanting to wake them up but he found the two boys cuddling on the couch watching a movie. They noticed him and immediately rushed towards him shocked.
“hey! are you hurt?
“did something happen?”
They asked worried, looking at him searching if there’s something wrong then they hugged him.
“are you sick?” minho asked making him sit.
“no iam fine” he replied smiling at the two boys “sorry for surprising you I thought you’d be asleep”
“you didn’t. we just got worried it’s 3 am and it’s cold outside” jisung said rubbing his back.
“I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d go for a walk, sleep here and surprise you in the morning. I wanted to spend a day with you before our weekly gathering” he said.
“but it’s 3 am jinnie you could’ve waited at least for morning” minho stated.
“I know I just really couldn’t sleep”
“are you having nightmares again?” jisung asked.
“no I can’t even sleep to begin with”
“so insomnia?” minho asked
“probably yeah, these days come and go”
“are you sure you’re okay?” minho asked once again.
“yess don’t worry I’ll go sleep and see you tomorrow good night” he hugged both boys and went to his room and eventually fell asleep.
He woke up and went downstairs. “good morning hyung, did you see my phone?”
“morning jinnie, you left it on the table” minho said drinking coffee.
“what time is it?”
“2 pm, did you sleep well?”
“yup I even have a headache and a sore body so yeah” he giggled feeling much better.
“maybe because you came here in the middle of the night and it was cold? You’ll get sick” jisung came to the kitchen “did you not tell seungmin you left?”
“no he’s at his parent’s” he replied making himself coffee and breakfast, a habit he caught during those two months. He always eats breakfast even if he doesn’t remember to eat for the rest of the day.
“well apparently he came back this morning and called you but you’re phone was out of service so he called us thinking you got kidnapped” jisung said laughing and looking at minho.
“iam an adult!” he shrugged.
“adults get kidnapped too, just call him” minho said.
“if you told him I was here then there’s no need to. I don’t plan on charging my phone today” he said and sat next to the other boys eating his breakfast ignoring their eyes.
He spent a lovely day with them feeling so much better, like he was charged. There’s no negative thoughts nor tiredness. He kept laughing so loudly all day, jumping around, blasting music and dancing around the place, he cleaned every corner and made them lunch.
When the night came, he was still so hyper active but there was nothing left to do. So he decided to reorganize his room then go make desert for his friends. He didn’t think of seungmin for a second.
Minho and jisung woke up and found hyunjin in the kitchen making cookies and brownies.
“good morning babies, I’ll make you breakfast today!” hyunjin sang and went to kiss both of the boys on their cheeks leaving them stunned.
“jinnie did you sleep?” minho said worriedly.
“no but iam fine don’t worry about it, I don’t even feel sleepy. Now please sit down and wait for your plates” he said playing music now since they woke up.
They sat for breakfast, minho and jisung still glancing at him worriedly.
“I made desert, I’ll go take a quick shower and come help for lunch” he said.
“no need to, they’ll come soon and help, just sleep a little” jisung said.
“I don’t want to, I feel so awake” he said and ran off to shower.
When he got downstairs again there was already felix, seungmin and changbin here.
“morning boys!” he said in a rush and ran to the kitchen completely ignoring seungmin.
The rest of the day went like this, hyunjin keeping himself busy with cooking, washing the dishes, gossiping with chan and felix in the kitchen and ignoring seungmin as much as possible.
“innie, is hyunjin okay? He seems weird and he’s ignoring me I don’t know why” seungmin leaned toward jeongin afraid the said boy might hear him.
“he does seem off, I don’t know what’s wrong whenever he comes near me he just gives me hug and leaves giggling. He isn’t that touchy often but I figured he’s trying to just bother me or something” jeongin said and they look at hyunin who’s preparing the table for lunch now.
After that, hyunjin begun to slip away.
He feels so overwhelmed all of the sudden, his body is aching, he can’t stand their voices or touches. He feels dizzy as if he’s drunk and his senses are heightened. He could feel a rush of heat running through his pulse making his blood boil. It’s not anger, his skin just feels itchy.
“guys I think I need to sleep” he excused himself, dragging his feet upstairs.
He went to his room, opened hi dairy wanting to get this out of his system.
“10 may 2020, 10;44 pm.
Dear diary,
Iam so tired.. I have been so hyper active for 2 days and didn’t get any sleep during this period. I wish nothing but to be held till I can’t breathe. Why?
Because I don’t feel real. I don’t think I would feel something if somebody held me right now. Don’t you think it’s sad? I wish for something that I can’t feel..
But of course I’ll be able to feel something when my lungs are suffocating and my bones are being crushed, right?
You see, it’s funny, because this is so sad.. I shouldn’t wish for pain but I can’t feel anything if there isn’t a little pain in it.
I wish.. I wish I could feel light as a bird; dance, fly around and sing like a feather moves in the chilly wind.. I wish I could feel so good without wanting to cry.
But maybe that’s just me? Can’t I accept myself like this?
I can’t actually know if this is really me or is this just another unhealthy coping mechanism to avoid getting hurt. Iam confused.
I have been screaming at the top of my lungs begging myself not to do this, begging myself to let me talk, to let me sleep. I just wanted somebody to catch me before I fall down and shatter to million pieces and cut myself with my own sharp edges, somebody to tell me what to do..
I keep hugging them but when they initiate any form of physical touching with me I shut them off not wanting anyone to touch me. Sometimes I wish they would ask before touching me so I can prepare myself for the contact. I don’t really mind it, iam not so afraid of physical touching as much as I used to be but there’s still fear.
Iam scared that their fingerprints will linger on my skin leaving bruises and I’ll begin to itch and ache for a gentle touch to those specific spots again..
Iam drifting to sleep and iam so so tired. Iam trying to stay positive and not let my anxiety cripple in but I can’t anymore.
I need assurance, gentle touches and soft whispers, I need something to remind me that iam humane other than the fact that iam indeed a human.
What you don’t know and what you can’t see is that iam actually just an empty shell with sickened organs. I know it gets better, I know it’ll be okay, most of the time iam fine.. but I get so sick when I have these feelings.
My dearest diary, why won’t I let myself be free? Can’t I just let go and allow myself to be infinite? Do you think someday I’ll set myself free?.. “
He can’t find anymore words to write even though he still feels so heavy, he didn’t finish half of the things he wanted to write, the words ran away from him.
So he went to the second option, listening to music. He put “state line by novo amor” and closed his eyes not caring about his uncomfortable position on the floor. He’s still awake hugging himself but can’t open his eyes nor move. He’s floating.
He could feel footsteps approaching him from far away, he feels like he’s underwater again, nothing could reach him but the song.
The footsteps settled for few minutes then he could feel the heat of a figure squatting next to him and a very light nudge to his side.
“jinnie?” a hesitant whisper came.
This scent, this voice.. he smiled and mumbled “oh I must be sleeping”.
“baby I’ll hold you up” the voice came and he could feel a firm hand on him now holding him up and on the bed. The person sat next to him after pulling the covers and a very gentle hand keeps brushing his hair. He feels his eyes water at how gentle the touch is, he wants the person to keep going but he’s so overwhelmed already. A sob escapes and his mouth start twitching.
“that’s too much..” he whispered wanting to wake up “but I don’t want to wake up”. He feels so many things.. he wants to wake up now, he wants to be empty again, he can’t take this.
“I don’t want to wake up minnie”
“I won’t wake you up, I’ll hold you, brush your hair and sing for you”
“that’s too much”
“nothing is too much for you”
He didn’t reply feeling somehow calmer so the voice whispered again “it’ll be okay”.
Then seungmin started whisper singing “Morning is coming into my heart at some point
Filling it with a pink light
But when the clouds come and winds blow and scatter
I don’t think I can stand it for a moment
Your heart and your face
I look at it again and it’s so dazzling
I will hesitate and not grab your hands in the end
Because I’m the biggest idiot..”
Seungmin kept brushing his hair with the lightest touch he can ever manage, he laid next to him and lowered his voice as he continues
“You will smile as you wake me up from under the blanket on the same bed
We will sit across each other on the table and it’ll be great
But when the curtains are drawn and it gets brighter
You will see how I am nothing..”
He shifted closer placing soft kisses across his face between each sentence
“On a rainy day, going home from work, I will hold you underneath an umbrella
We will go grocery shopping for dinner and it’ll be great
But when the fog is lifted and it gets brighter
You will see how I am nothing..”
He looked at the sleepy boy’s lips wanting to place a soft kiss on it but kept himself from doing so, he whipped his tears, rubbing his roommate’s face with his fingers now.
Seungmin’s fingers touch his lips as he leans closer to put their foreheads together, closes his own eyes and whispers “I’ll make us happy, I’ll stay by your side, it’ll be okay”.
The last sentence wasn’t the correct lyrics.
(the correct lyrics were “I sit by an old windowsill, looking at the sunset
And I will think of your face
Contrary to my bright face, you will have a sad face
We will never be together
We will never be happy” )
Seungmin could feel hyunjin sleeping soundly now so he got up, took one last look at the sleeping boy then the opened diaries on the table next to him. He didn’t mean to look at it, he regrets reading it because it’s wrong but he couldn’t stop after noticing the first few sentences. He feels awful.
He went downstairs with one thought in his head, he loves hyunjin.
Everyone already left. “did you talk to him?” jisung asked.
“no he’s asleep”
“then what took you so long?” jisung asking again frowning his eyebrows.
“uuhhh he wasn’t really asleep at first. I think he’s having a fever” seungmin replied.
“that was expected, he came here two days ago at 3 am and it was cold. I’ll go look at him” jisung said and went upstairs.
Seungmin was about to leave when he heard minho call for him. “just stay here and go back with hyunjin tomorrow” minho said.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’ll make hyunjin uncomfortable, he’s been ignoring me all day” seungmin said.
“don’t worry, iam sure he didn’t mean to. Just stay, it’s getting late” minho explains.
“uumm fine”.
Next morning hyunjin wakes with a sore throat and of course, a terrible headache. There’s a wet cloth on his forehead and the door is open.
He goes downstairs and finds jisung and minho already dressed and having breakfast.
“good morning feverish boy, come eat” minho said.
“morning hyung. I’ll go to the bathroom I don’t think I can eat” he replies feeling nauseous.
“seungmin’s in the bathroom. Sit a little and I’ll make you something warm to drink” jisung said.
“seungmin?? Why is he here?” he asks confused and the two boys look at him with a raised eyebrow.
“I told him to stay because it was late, why are you being mean? He thought you were ignoring him” minho questioned.
“iam wasn’t ignoring him and iam not being mean, iam just confused on why he’s here so early” hyunjin replies and sits on the couch.
“well lucky for you his lecture got cancelled and he doesn’t have work today so he’s staying with your feverish ass till we get back” jisung says replacing a cup of warm lemon in front of him.
“I have a lecture with you, did you forget???” he asked.
“no, but you’re sick so” jisung replied.
“I can still go. Iam not that sick” he argues. He doesn’t wanna stay with seungmin after ignoring him for the last three days, he’s not ready to face him yet.
“too bad, you’re not going anywhere. Let’s go baby” minho got up with jisung and left leaving no room for any further arguments.
Hyunjin feels conflicted. He realized that he indeed likes seungmin on the contrary, he doesn’t like how the younger boy makes him feel. When he’s with seungmin, his mind doesn’t wander far, he doesn’t think or worry.. he just keeps looking at him trying to take in every corner of the boy’s face, memorizing every feature, every move, every detail. He becomes so occupied by his laughter that he can’t hear his own thoughts, it’s like seungmin’s laughter is a loud bell ringing in his mind. But when he’s alone, his thoughts come back attacking him.
Thinking of this makes him remember a glimpse of his dream yesterday and he wonders, does seungmin have such an angelic voice in reality too? Why did he have to wake up..
“good morning hyunjin” seungmin said with a nervous smile “how are you feeling? You sounded so sick yesterday”
“iam fi-“ hyunjin paused “did you come to my room yesterday?” he panicked. Was it not a dream?!
“I came up to talk to you but you were already asleep so I went back down” seungmin says not looking at him.
So it was a dream, to be honest he felt a little disappointed.
“oh” hyunjin mouthed, “so what did you wanna talk about?”
“uhh” seungmin sounded hesitant then he finally managed to say “nothing much, I was just checking on you”.
Hyunjin frowned his eyebrows and nodded, he suddenly felt nauseous again so he ran to the bathroom. He hates throwing up.
Seungmin followed him “are you okay?” he asked.
“stay outside it’s disgusting” hyunjin replied struggling and continued throwing up.
Seungmin left the bathroom only to come back and sit on the floor next to the sick boy, tie his hair up with a rubber band and rub his back.
Hyunjin felt warm and embarrassed at the same time. Of course he had a lot of people see him in much worse situations before and took care of him, minho, jisung, jeongin, his family and even chan but never like this, the people he liked romantically were always cold, they never took care of him or even listen to him.
He remembers his only real relationship, his ex was a manipulative piece of shit which he discovered when it was too late for him. He spent 2 years on and off with his ex, he treated him badly, cheated on him and even convinced him to stay after hyunjin confronted him, he told him that no matter how many people he sleeps with he’ll always come back because hyunjin is the only one for him.
Hyunjin got more sick as he remembered his past self, he feels so ashamed, his skin is starting to crawl under seungmin’s touch but he doesn’t want him to stop.
He wants to scratch off every inch where his ex touched him, he wishes he could peel of his skin like snakes so he can rest assure that his new skin is free from any touches. He wants seungmin to touch him and remove the old touches away but at the same time he’s terrified of having someone this close to him again.
“jinnie I think you won’t throw up again, can you get up? You need to wash your face and teeth” seungmin brought him out of his head.
“yeah, thank you. You can go I’ll wash up and follow you” he said.
“it’s okay, I’ll wait for you” seungmin smiled and stopped rubbing his back to stand leaning on the door waiting for him.
Hyunjin feels his back already missing seungmin’s touch.. he’s getting sicker by the minute.
When they went outside, hyunjin immediately went to sleep on the couch, seungmin got him a blanket and disappeared to god knows where. He feels dizzy, cold, and his ears are ringing. Is this the part where the main character starts fever talking and accidently confess?
Seungmin came back with food, medicine and a wet cloth.
“look I know you probably can’t eat but you need to take these pills so” he says “sit for me please” seungmin adds sitting on the floor in front of hyunjin.
“here you go, good boy” he jokes when hyunjin ate the food, gives him the pills, tucks him in again with the blanket and puts the wet cloth on his forehead.
Hyunjin feels more dizzy, is it the pills or seungmin’s actions? He’s not sure. He’s also tongue tied.
“Minnie”
“yes”
“can you put music on, there’s a song that keeps playing in my head”
“sure, what’s called?
“so by 10cm”
“uhh okay”
This song is one of hyunjin’s favorite, it’s like a lullaby, although it’s a sad song, it’s just so soothing, comforting. Almost like a hug. A hug, hyunjin remembers how much he wished to be held. All yesterday’s thoughts and feelings are coming back as he starts to get sleepy. Seungmin is still sitting on the floor next to him.
“Minnie”
“iam here”
It made him smile.
“I had a dream yesterday, a very beautiful one, I wish it was real.. I didn’t want to wake up”
“yeah? what did you dream of?”
“I dreamt someone was holding me, brushing my hair and singing this song”
“that’s beautiful. Who was holding you?”
Hyunjin hesitated “I don’t remember but it was nice to be held”
“do you want me to hold you?”
Hyunjin looked at him unable to answer, he doesn’t know an answer to that question, yes, he wants to be held, he wants seungmin to hold him. He’s afraid he might crave it later.
“iam going to hold you” seungmin said, slipped under the covers and looked at hyunjin’s eyes. “you’re stiff, relax, I don’t bite” he add in a whisper then put his hand around hyunjin’s neck to lay him on his chest. Hyunjin gave in relaxing bit by bit and put his hands around seungmin’s waist. He felt a hand brushing his hair. The song is on repeat. It’s like a dream except that they’re not talking.
“you know, seungminnie, you’re making me wanna cry” hyunjin said “you.. you keep making me want to give in” he added in a whisper.
He’s surrounded by seungmin’s scent, he feels so safe. All his thoughts stopped, all his worries disappeared, everything feels almost surreal. He felt something twist in his stomach.
“shhh baby, it’ll be okay” he heard a whisper before he drifted to sleep.