Chapter Text
Introduction
The quiet never seemed to be so loud. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't hold still as the silence ate my insides alive. It felt like hands were wrapped around my body, forcing me to keep moving to keep the silence at bay. The eyes of the doctor burn my skin as I fidget with my fingers, messing with my hair a few times or tapping on my thigh. The doctor scooted closer, making me flinch a bit.
"Andre-"
"Ranboo." I cut the doctor. He tilted his head a bit, while I looked down, "Please, call me Ranboo."
"Alright Ranboo, you haven't been in for a while. Your parents even said that you were getting better, taking your pills daily, seeing a therapist every week, they even said you went outside for a bit and enjoyed the sun, so what changed?"
I grabbed on my jacket, trying to pull the warm material closer to my body. My right foot tapped away as the eyes of the doctor never left. I just wanted to hide away, I didn't even want to be here, but I had to. The voice said's I have too, or else the pain would get worse. I didn't realize I was digging into my skin with my other hand on my thigh when the doctor's hand tapped it, bringing me back.
"Are you okay?" He asked, "I mean I know you're not, but- you're very quiet on this visit."
"No." I say telling the truth.
"Did something happen? Did you have another episode and that's why you hurt yourself? Is that why you asked your parents to contact me?"
"M-maybe."
The doctor signed, "Ranboo you have to tell me. I can't get you the correct help if you don't tell me what happened."
I choked out, "I-i can't remember what happened though."
"Did you not write it in your memory book?"
I shook my head, "N-no."
"Do you have your book on you?"
I nodded, letting go of my thigh to grab the backpack that's leaning against the chair. I opened it, rumbling through the loose papers and other books to grab an old, worn down leather book that had been ripped with loose pages sticking out. I handed it to the doctor, who took it with care. As the doctor looked through the book, I watched as his face went from concern to complete confusion. He flipped a few pages before looking back at me.
"Did you rip a few pages out?"
"Maybe." Was my response?
"Andrew," I flinched which he caught, "Ranboo. You know we made the memory book to help you right?"
"Y-yeah." My voice if it was possible seemed to go really quiet.
The doctor handed my book back, which I took. My hands were shaking as I hugged the book to my chest.
"Did the voices tell you to rip the pages out?" The doctor leaned even closer, I automatically pushed myself into the chair.
"Yes."
"Why? What did the voice say?"
"Don't tell. Tell and people will get hurt."
"He said that it didn't matter. That those pages didn't matter." I lied through my teeth. The doctor didn't seem to pick up the lie seeing as he leaned away, looking somewhat satisfied with my answer.
"Do you remember what the pages were about?"
I shook my head, not really in the mood to answer any more questions.
"Are you sure?"
"I-I..I don't know. Please I don't remember." I started to shake, rocking back and forth a bit, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't-"
The doctor grabbed my hands all of a sudden, "Hey, hey, hey calm down. It's alright."
"Yes, nice little acting trick. Make him think you're more insane then you're actually."
"I'm going to give you a bigger dose of Antipsychotic, and Anti-Temprs okay? Hopefully a higher dose will help. What about your sleeping meds, do they help?"
"Lie."
"Yeah."
The doctor gave a genuine smile, "Great then we will keep you on your regulars."
He asked more questions, thankfully nothing about what I did, or about the book. Soon he gave me a paper that told me my new medication, and my new schedule for a therapy session. I just nodded pretending to understand and pretending to have hope that I would be fixed. That one day I would wake up from actually getting sleep, and no longer hearing or seeing the monster in my head.
"See you in two weeks?" The doctor asked.
"Yup." I say as I close the door behind me. I walked away, ignoring the other doctors that were walking by. I clung to the paper as I made my way. My backpack would swing back and forth each step, kind of a way to tell me it still was there with my book, the one that no longer held my secrets.
"Well that way fun~"
I turned my eyes to the right of me, seeing a man a few inches shorter than me walking the same pace as me. I looked back down, not having to look at the green jacket man to know that his plane white smiley face was staring at me .
"Please leave me alone." I whispered, as I walked out of the hospital.
"What's the fun in that?" The man ran in front of me, I flinched as I heard his neck breaking as he turned his head my way. "Why won't you look at me? Come on this isn't fun."
"Sense when was this fun?"
"Sense you thought it would be fun to carve a happy face into your arm."
"You made me!" I yelled, snapping my head at the beast. Other than his face, he looked pretty normal. Blue jeans that were covered in mud, a black T-shit under a lime green jacket. But his face, his face gave him away. It was a perfect circle that connected to a neck that now was bent from him turning it all the way. His face is purely white with a smiley face. No nose, no hair, nothing that spooked human. Just two dark dots and a ragged 'U' . I played with my jacket as he kept on staring.
"Did I make you?"
Images of his hands on my own, with a bloody knife hit me. I nodded slowly.
"Yes."
"Are you sure? I mean I'm not even real, just a little voice in your mind."
A new image hit me, it was the same image but it was just my own hands on the knife.
"This is fun, you can't even rely on yourself or your stupid book to be able to tell which is the truth and which is the pretty little lie I infected."
I stopped walking, feeling a tear mark my cheek. People walk past me, while many of them walk through the demon. He snapped his neck forward, walking onwards.
"You know they call me Dream, but I personally think I'm one fuck up Nightmare."
I pulled my hood up, kept my head down as I followed the one thing that's been hurting me, the one thing that's destroying my sanity. This thing, whatever he is, is more than a voice, and soon, this thing will be heard. And that scares me. So I grabbed my arm that had the healing smiley face, and kept following, hoping that one day I'll wake up from this nightmare.
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Chapter 1
The whole class room was of chaos.
Rebecca Owen, the want to be popular girl, was louder than usual talking away like she owned the whole room to herself. Max Martinez, a boy next to me slept, snoring very quietly but loud enough that it could be annoying. The two twins behind me Henry and Kevin were throwing paper airplanes around, hitting students in the process. Some other students were doing their own little thing, while only a handful were actually doing the work we had to get done. I was neither of these students, I wasn't loud or sleeping, much less disrupting anyone else. I just sat in the uncomfortable wooden chair, board out of mind, most likely going to fail the assignment I winged.
My fingertips would gently tap on the desk as I waited for the bell to ring to signal everyone to go nuts only to get to their next classroom. I put my earphones in trying my best to also ignore the stares I was getting once in a while. God must have fun making me the way I am, not only am I a tall skinny white boy with cold silver eyes that definitely screamed 'I can't promise not to kill you' he also decided to add a pinch of Schizophrenia. An incurable mental disorder that basically makes you see, feel, and hear things that aren't real. I was finally diagnosed three years ago when I had an episode, and apparently attacked my teacher. It's a miracle that I was even in public school. But I now had to be watched 24/7, while everyone around me constantly reminded me that I was and would never be one of them again.
The funny thing is three years ago I was like everyone else. I was always quiet and didn't try to stand out like most people (which was hard to do with my height) but people welcomed me. Always invited me to the football games, or parties. Strangers would randomly sit by me to talk in the lunchroom. I was just a normal teenager in high school that apparently was just easy to get around with. Heck at one point I even joined the volleyball team just because.
I don't pity me with what I have to face, but a part of me lounges for the old me, to go to the parties, see the games, maybe even go on a few dates. I mean I technically can still do all these things but with a school that makes you out as some sort of plague, staying home watching YouTube was just the better out post.
I laid my head down on the desk as the chaos in the room only started to get worse, one person even thought it was a great idea to blast 'Elmo's world' so everyone was cursed to endure the tortue. The teacher mummer a small, 'Keep it down.' before going back to being a lazy person. I flicked my pencil watching it roll once before coming back to be flicked once more. One thing I really hated about school, is how alone I felt. My parents thought it would be a great idea to keep a crazy child in school, even if it means I could lash out any minute. Said something about keeping touch with the real world, and making friends, and getting better, and yada yada yada.
I flicked my pencil a bit harder sending it flying towards the floor. My blood ran cold as I felt fingers trace my back, the coldness they brought sending icebergs into my soul. No one paid me attention as I scooted a bit further from the figure behind me, the back of my neck picked from the dark force that laid over me.
"Whatcha doing?"
"Go away." I begged in my head, "Please go away."
"You know that doesn't work, and personally I'm hurt you'll even ask me to leave. That's just rude."
The figure walked in the corner of my vision. His dark green jacket hitting me full of fear. I looked anywhere except at him, I didn't want to deal with him while being in a room full of sane people. I crossed my arms over the desk before laying on them, finding interest in a carving of a stick figure on the desk. The figure next to me didn't seem to appreciate that.
"Oh come on, not even one little glance? Are you still mad at me for what you did?"
I kept my mouth sealed, it's not like I need to speak anyways he lives in my head of course he could hear my thoughts.
"Just this once can you please leave me alone."
"Now why would I do that?"
I jumped when his hands slammed the desk, the vibration from the hit made me sit up, falling for his trap as I looked right into his dotted eyes. I froze up, feeling like I couldn't breath as his dot eyes blinked very slowly as his perimet smiled widen, the side of the smile reaching the side of his eyes.
"Hello~"
"Go away." I whisper, hoping the song of Little Einsteins was loud enough that no one could hear me.
"And again why would I do that?" He tilted his white head to the right, a horrible crack sound feeling my ears.
I couldn't think why he would even think about leaving me alone, he hasn't in three years. I looked away from him again, really didn't want to interact with the monster. The problem though was when I looked away from him, I let out a cry as the class room I was ten seconds ago in became what looked like a hospital room, but the walls dripping black ink, bodies of my classmates floating on the walls, and smiling faces were scratched into the floor. I jumped from my desk, looking at my floating classmates whose eyes were all widden, in awestruck of fear.
"This isn't real! This isn't real-" I repeated backing away, only to have the black ink come from the ground stopping me from moving any further. When I stepped into it, the black ink became almost solid sticking me in place. I may be tall, but I all of a sudden felt so small. Especially when I watched as the figure I feared the most walked closer to me. He looked so human that it was unsettling, it was just his ball sculpture head that was cursed to have a smiley face.
"Are you going to ignore me now?"
"N-No."
"Good."
He walked around the room, looking at the bodies as he seemed to not even care that the ink around us started to overfill, the whole floor was about three inches deep. The carved smiley faces now floated on top of the ink.
"So what were you doing thinking about your past self oh dear Andrew-" I couldn't fight the flinch, "Oh sorry, I mean Ranboo?"
"No-nothing-nothing."
"Okay if you say so."
The lights started to flicker just then, they flicked from the yellow they usually are, to a blood red, then setting on lime green. The ink spilled faster, my ankles were already covered, sinking into my pants. The ink is abnormally warm and very thick.
"Except I don't believe you."
"Oh great, I pissed off the smiley face."
"That you did."
I watched as the smiley face glitched into a frown as the room seemed to get darker. I gaps when the bodies of my roommates fell off the ceiling, and plummet into the black ink. I didn't even have time to process that when their bodies pushed out of the ink, slowly surrowinding me and Dream. Ink dripped down their bodies as glowing purple frowning faces took over their features. Now they look like black shadows with Dream's face over them. I wanted to move. I wanted to get away from Dream, from this nightmare, from the bodies of my classmates, but the ink went up to my calves now and I couldn't move. Even if I could, fear had its hand around my throat, all I could do was watch.
"Tell me what do you miss so much about you in the past?" Dream walked around the shadows, bumping to a few on purpose, "Do you miss your friends? Do you miss how your voice was lighter and held so much joy in it?"
Dream stopped walking, turning his whole form my way, "Or is there more?"
He then spirited at me, so fast that my eyes couldn't keep up until his face was right by my own. I opened my mouth and screamed, and I couldn't stop. I couldn't handle it anymore, three years and I still couldn't handle the horror I was forced into every day, and most likely the rest of my life. This isn't even the worst he has done, forcing me to see and feel things that weren't my own. I knew that outside of this, my physical body was doing something out of my control, I needed to get away.
"LET ME GO!" I screamed spit hitting him in the face, "WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!"
Dream covered my mouth with his hand. I shivered from the fact his touch was ice cold.
"Tell me Ranboo what do you miss the most?"
A tear dripped down my cheek as I helplessly shook from his horrible stare.
"I think I know. You miss that when you looked in the mirror, your eyes sparked with innocence. You missed that you didn't have cuts, bruised all over yourself from your own hands. You miss having control of your own brain, and being independent. You miss your older self because back then you were you."
He wiped the tears that were dripping down my cheek away. I only cried more as the ink reached my waist, it was growing faster.
"But now you see, you are not you without me. You are me, as I am you and that's how it's going to be for the rest of your life. I mean that how it was for the other one."
Dream let me go, slowly backing away from me. I was still crying as I wrapped my arms around my body, begging to wake up from this and pretend that it would be over soon, that this would one day just be a nightmare and nothing more.
"You can't get rid of me Ranboo. I'm a parasite you can never get rid of, no matter how hard you try."
The ink reached my throat and was now heading towards my mouth. My body instinct thrashed trying to get away from the ink, but it was too late. Soon I was submerged in total darkness as I suffocated on the liquid that was pumped into my throat.
"This is your fault, you asked to be like this." Dream voices echoed in the dark.
My brain felt a flick of fire as I snapped out, "This isn't my fault! I never asked to be like this."
I thrashed in the ink, trying to get out of the dark and for once actually breath, "I never asked for you to torture me! To make me this way. I never asked to lose myself, to lose my friends and close family. I-I miss how I was."
Then just like that, I was falling. The ink no longer holds me as I plummet towards a whole different place. I couldn't even scream as the ground only got closer and closer. My eyes widened as it seemed I was looking death in the face. Then like I was on a cord of some sort, I was pushed upwards slowly my fall drastically. My legs couldn't hold my weight as they made contact with the floor, forcing me on my knees. I gasped for air that I was denied for so long, trying to slow down my racing heart. The white marble floor catching my tears I couldn't stop. I went into a bow as I sobbed, wanting this to end so bad.
"Wake up. Please." I whispered.
"Say goodbye Ranboo, to yourself."
Fingers grabbed my locks of hair, pulling me to look up and be face to face with a mirror. It was a mirror that was mostly in old people 's houses. Very long, can be flipped for some odd reason, and with the finest of detail in the dark old wood. But that wasn't what really caught my attention, it was the boy that sat within the glass. I looked away not wanting to see the boy I once was, the teenager boy that had no clue what he was about to become.
"Look and say goodbye, you do and I'll finally give you peace."
Like my eyes had their own mind I was forced to look at the person I once knew, the same person that fell down the rabbit hole and would never come back. He looked at me with a shy smile on his face, light grey eyes full of light, he put his un bruised, un-damaged skin hand against the glass. I don't know why but I put my hand against the glass too,surprised that I couldn't even feel the smoothness of it but the warmth of a palm.
"Give up-"
I then did something even I wasn't expecting. I pulled away from the mirror and with determination in my words which I thought was long gone I looked at myself in the mirror watching as cracks started to form over the once perfect glass.
"Andrew, wake up."
Hands all of a sudden grabbed my neck, suffocating me. I reached up and tried to pride them off, but they only got tighter. Panicked I looked at the only one with me, his purple eyes were glitching like crazy as the world started to fade around me.
"You will give up, you will surrender and lose! Just wait-"
I woke up screaming thrashing around. I couldn't control my body as my arms flinged trying to grab anything, just something to ground me back into reality. They found themselves falling on some strong arms that were tightly holding my torso. My ears were ringing as I tried to fight for my brain to calm down. I can hear a voice talking to me but it was so muffled that it sounded like the person was submerged in water. It took a minute for the ringing to quiet down, letting me finally hear the voice of the person.
"It's okay Andrew, it's okay I got you."
Tears once more fell down my face as I recognized the voice. It was one of pure worry and pity, and I held on to the voice as I sank into myself leaning more into the body behind me. Shakes overcame my body as I sobbed into Jeffy the school police officer. I didn't have to look around to know that the classroom was evacuated, and I was forced on the floor restrained by his arms.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I sobbed out.
"I know kiddo, I know just breath." He held me a bit tighter as I grabbed his arms harder.
My parents were called to come get me. Thankfully I didn't hurt anyone or myself or there would have been more of a problem. From what I gathered all I did was throw random things around the classroom while screaming like an animal. The teacher thankfully knew what was happening and got everyone out before I did become violent. Jeffy was there before I could do any more damage and held me for about twenty minutes trying to bring me out of that state and back into reality. The school had no choice but to suspend me for a week from school, not because I was in trouble (I have no control over this) but to calm the students that were victimized from my outburst. The school was trying to keep me in there, but I can tell that it would be a miracle if I lasted another month. I would be forced to home-school, imprisoned to keep everyone else safe. And by this point I wouldn't even fight them on the matter.
My parents were there ten minutes after they were called, my father didn't even look at me as he talked to the police and the teachers. My mother sat down by me, before pulling me closer to her. She didn't say anything as she held me and I was grateful for that. I laid my head on her shoulder which was a bit difficult due to the height difference but that didn't stop me. My mother didn't seem to care either as she threaded her fingers in my hair, moving my hair out of my face.
The ride home wasn't a pleasant feeling. My parents didn't talk, didn't say one word to each other as the drive dragged on. I slouched in the car seat wanting to make myself smaller. I really hated that I was so flippen tall sometimes, it was harder to hide. When my house pulled up, I felt a bit more relaxed seeing as in my house I felt more secured and safe.
Father parked the car before getting out of the car a bit aggressive, I know he means no harm but I can tell that these past few years have not been easy on anyone, my parents especially. My mom gave a huff before turning towards me, a gentle smile on her wary face.
"What about you, take your medication and then lay down, you need to relax."
In other words she wants to talk to dad alone about me without me hearing any of it. I just nodded before exiting the car and headed inside. The house felt cold when entering, no longer inviting but at the same time it still felt safe, a place I could go. I walked into the living room to see dad sitting on the leather couch, head in his hands lost in his own thoughts. I opened my mouth, not really sure what I wanted to say, all I know is I didn't want to leave him like this.
"I'm sorry." I finally said.
"Hmm." He said back.
I turned and walked towards my room, ignoring the way my mother looked at me as I walked by. I opened my room door to see my room looked kind of dirty, clothes scattered on the floor, an unmade bed, dishes on the dressers. Did I do anything about the mess though? Nope, I walked towards the stack of pills on my dear dresser, taking only my depression pills before sneaking into bed. I couldn't exactly hear it but I knew my parents were talking about me. I laid in my bed looking up into the ceiling, wandering what they wanted to say in private. I mean I know it was about my episode, but I just wanted to know if we would stay a family at the end of it. I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about that before long my brain decided that it was also done with the day, and slowly sank me into darkness.
It was nightfall when I was being shaken awake. Gogy and a bit fuzzy I opened my eyes to see my dad shaking me awake gently.
"Dad?"
'Hey, mom made dinner and we need to talk." He said it was very quiet. I nodded as I slowly sat up, my dad back away as he folded his arms.
"Andrew-" I looked at him not expecting him to keep speaking with me, "What we talk about tonight I need you to remember that I do love you okay?"
Now that scared me. This is it, their marriage is broken because of me. That's how it always goes, if the child is sick or disabled in one way the parents hardly ever stick together.
"A-alright."
My father gave a small smile before walking away. I sat in bed a bit longer, before getting out and following him.
Dinner went out a word. My mother and father were looking at me then back at each other like they were caged animals about to get attacked. When the plates were cleared, we all sat at the table feeling the air become almost suffocating. I felt myself fidgeting, like I always do when I'm nervous.
"Honey," Mom finally said.
"Mom." I say back.
"Your dad and I've been talking and we want to ask you something. I personally DON'T agree with it, but dad here thinks it would be good for you."
"It would be good for him, you and I both know this-"
"How! He's fine the way he is. "
I tilted my head at the two, now just a bit agitated that they are talking in code.
"He's not fine! At least not here!"
"May I know what's going on please!" I finally yelled back. Only to realize my mistake and quiet down.
My parents looked at me with shock before my dad snapped out of it and continued where they left off.
"I don't know how to word this without making it sound bad. So I won't sugar code it, your mother and I think it would be best to send you away-"
"Huh?"
Mother cut in, "Temporary. You see, your father found a hospital that would provide you the care and help we can't get you. They have schooling, a huge field to play in, and others great things. But it's not close from home, and you'll stay there until you or they think you could come back."
I was silent, taking in her words. Mom hurried added.
"I don't agree with this. I think whatever they do there can happen here too-"
"But," Dad cut in, "There are some things we can't do. Andrew, you need help that your mother and I can't give you. You're hurting in ways that we both don't understand, and we won't ever understand."
Mother looked down in defeat, "He's right about that. We don't want to send you away so this is your choice and your options on the matter. We've been looking at it and your father really thinks it would be a great opportunity for you to get back into schooling, to get the right care you need, and maybe meet people like you. That's the whole system is kids your age have some if not the same-" She hesitated, "The same sickness as you."
Father reached out and pulled out a pamphlet handing it towards me. I took it with shaking fingers, opening it up and looking at the hospital.
"Snow Chester?" I read.
"Yeah. And Andrew it's completely your choice, whatever you choose we both will accept it. I just hope you choose the one that will give you a better advantage."
They both were quiet as I read the pamphlet, reading about how they deal with cases like my own and were known to help children basically get used to this way of living and what they could do to help them in the real world, like schooling, getting a job, starting a family, and such. I didn't want to leave home, this place no matter how cold and dark it might be was still a safe haven for myself. It was the only place I could go to even feel the comfort of living again. But then a part of me wanted to go, if there was a chance that I could maybe, even the slightest of chances get better, then would it be worth leaving for an ex-amount of time? Who knows I could be gone for years, or maybe a few days. It was a huge gambling game and I didn't like that. This was my option, my choice. I looked up at my mother and father, now noticing just how tired and weary they truthfully looked.
They both wanted me to be happy and healthy so seeing me in this type of state must be affecting them greatly. Then I thought about the past three years of hell I had to go through, how I would stay up most nights wondering if this hell would end, if he would one day leave me alone. I thought about all the people I hurt in the past, about the scars that laid on my own body from what I did to myself. I thought, and thought, coming to only one conclusion.
"I think it would be safer to send me away."