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There’s something beautiful about him.
Beyond just the fact that he’s a very attractive man with a confident air, there’s something mesmerizing and beautiful about him. Maybe it’s the small, hesitant smiles that only come out when discussing dunamancy. Maybe it’s the way he fights so hard to protect his friends, even knowing that some of them have absolutely no trust in him. Maybe it’s the spark in his eyes as he theorizes about time manipulation and the great discoveries that are right at his grasp. Maybe it’s the way he refuses to actually grasp those discoveries without you by his side. For a man who spoke once of being careful to only work alone, he certainly doesn’t seem to mind working together with you.
You muse on this briefly as you breathe heavily, recovering from the last battle against Lucien. It hadn’t been an easy fight by any means, requiring every bit of magical energy the group had; Jester had managed to save a single, solitary spell to transport you back to Exandria. Her spell deposits you in the middle of what you recognize as the central room of the Gentleman’s headquarters within the Evening Nip, silencing the denizens and mercenaries with your utterly bedraggled, sore, and supremely bloodied appearances. Yet with all the damage, you can’t help but notice that he still glows like a night sky. Even in the dim light of this underground bar, his hair still glitters like starlight and his eyes glow with a soft luminescence. You feel as if you’ve brought a piece of the Astral Sea with you, looking at him. He notices you staring and quirks an eyebrow. You shake your head softly, not wanting to bother him with your musings. He frowns softly, silently asking if you’re okay. You smile and nod, your heart pounding fiercely within your chest. He’s come so far in the short time you’ve known him. You know some of the others question his worthiness and his character, but you know others are willing to give him every chance he needs to be better. You find yourself questioning which camp you agree with. Because you know if you believe that he deserves a second chance that you probably do as well, and that’s a hard thing to decide when you’ve lived with your guilt and shame for so long. Forgiveness, you muse as you all begin to find sleep, is much easier to bestow upon others.
The next day dawns and you awaken slowly, your body groaning with pain and stiffness. You vaguely register the early hour (6:32 to be exact, a mere minute before sunrise) and ease yourself to a sitting position, looking over your friends before your eyes alight on the only other person currently awake. Though not as polished as he usually is, his appearance is still far more composed than yours or the rest of the Nein. He sits next to the window, blending with the shadows and faint starlight of the early morning, his face turned to where the sun slowly rises over the buildings of Zadash. You stare at him, a warmth spilling in your chest at the serenity of his expression. A wayward lock spills from his coif and your heart throbs with the desire to walk over and brush it gently back into place. You’re stunned by just how deeply you want this moment, and your blood turns to ice in your veins as you realize the grave miscalculation you’ve made. This man isn’t the stars in the night sky, far away and remote and knowingly out of reach. This man is the moon, just as bright and as beautiful but so much closer, and your heart breaks with the thought that for all that he is close, you’ll likely never be able to reach him in the way you so desire. It was one thing when it was attraction and admiration, but love? Love is a danger and a burden that you cannot place upon others. Love in that way is not something you feel you deserve. Your chest aches and your skin grows cold, your fingertips tingling at the hollowness you suddenly feel. And then he turns, eyes meeting yours and widening slightly in surprise; he missed your awakening. But he smiles, slowly, softly. And the sun peaks over the buildings and frames him in a halo, a perfect eclipse. Your heart aches at the beauty, but you can’t help but return his smile. Yes, you love him. He is the moon and the stars, and what you feel for him is terrifying. And in that moment you know that it doesn’t matter with which camp you reside. You’ll fight for his second chance over and over.
And maybe someday, you’ll be able to feel right about yours.