Work Text:
“Seriously. If it’s cute brunettes you’re into, what’s wrong with me?”
Lucas mutters into his beer, a glaring look in the direction of the girl who currently has her hand on Yann’s biceps.
“If I had to make a guess, I’d go with your Y-chromosome,” a voice suddenly sounds near his ear.
Lucas startles and almost drops his bottle. Next to him, a lanky boy about his age, maybe a bit older, is leaning against the counter, looking at the girl flirting shamelessly with Yann, who is obviously enjoying the attention. When the full extent of the boy’s remark however hits him, he feels a fiery blush creep over his cheeks.
“What – what do you mean? Uh, she, she is obviously into boys, so I don’t – uh, think that…”
The boy laughs melodiously while Lucas struggles to get a coherent sentence out.
“That was not him you were killing with your eyes, dude.”
Lucas tries to stammer that the stranger has it all wrong, but the guy raises an eyebrow at him and he surrenders.
“Fuck.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret,” the boy replies. “Besides, you have great taste.”
Lucas whips his head back to his left.
“You mean, you – you are… you’re also… You like…”
The stranger chuckles at Lucas’ attempt to voice something he’s never really admitted out loud, until he clearly takes pity on him and shrugs.
“Boys, girls, I don’t care. Right now, however, I have the same problem as you.”
He nods in the direction of the couch, where a dark guy is flirting with a blonde with long legs and a very short skirt.
“That’s my best friend, who has no idea about the huge crush I have on him.”
It’s so strange, to be talking to this unknown boy about – well, other boys.
“You have good taste too,” Lucas therefore replies, a bit hesitantly.
“You’re not really out, are you?” the other asks, and Lucas shakes his head. He feels awkward and silly, but the boy smiles at him.
“It’s okay. I’m not gonna tell you that you should come out, that it’s the 21st century and nobody cares. It’s scary.”
“It – yeah, it kinda is,” Lucas says, touched by the boy’s gentle tone. Then again, he’s not straight himself, he probably has had his own struggles.
“So, if you want, you can talk boys with me. I’m Eliott.”
Eliott holds out his hand, and Lucas shakes it. Eliott’s hand is bigger than Lucas’ and he has rings on several fingers. It suits him, Lucas decides.
“Lucas. Are you in our school? Or how did you get here, to this party?”
“Idriss,” Eliott says, nodding at his friend, who seems to have moved even closer to the blonde. “He accompanied his sister, and asked me along because he claimed he would get bored at a party where he didn’t know anybody.” Eliott scoffs. “And like the love-sick idiot I am, I said yes. Does it look like he is bored to you, Lucas?”
The sarcasm drips from his last sentence, and Lucas can’t help but laugh. Luckily, Eliott seems to get the humour, and narrows his eyes slightly at Lucas, before laughing too.
“His loss,” Lucas says, feeling bold. “You’re a lot more attractive than she is.”
Eliott laughs again, and his eyes crinkle as his grin splits his face wide.
“Yeah, you’d think so, obviously!”
Lucas grins back, until he notices Yann from the corner of his eye, shotgunning the girl. He huffs and frowns.
“Well, if it’s any consolation,” Eliott says when he notices what has gotten Lucas upset, “you’re a lot prettier than she is, too.”
Lucas momentarily forgets about Yann’s lips on those of the girl. This is the first time a boy has called him pretty, and he is sure he is blushing. It’s even more of a compliment, coming from Eliott, who is really rather good-looking, and who presumably has some experience with boys, too.
Lucas doesn’t know many gay guys, and he has lots of questions.
“Uh, do you – have you, uh… Have you been with many guys?”
Eliott shrugs, and turns so he is facing Lucas. Lucas mirrors him, leaning his right shoulder against the wall, taking a sip of his beer.
“Some, yeah. I kissed a few guys, fooled around a bit once. I had a girlfriend for a while, just broke up, really. I told her about Idriss. She knows him too, we’re all in school together. She threatened to tell him, but I managed to convince her not to. She’s still not speaking to me.”
“But, uh, if you like girls too, why don’t you just date a girl? That way, you wouldn’t have to tell anybody you like boys.”
Eliott gives him a long look, and Lucas feels himself getting smaller.
“That’s not how it works, though. I can’t choose who I fall in love with any more than you can. Also, I don’t want to hide who I am, and being pan is part of my identity.”
Lucas feels a bit ashamed.
“Do you think it’s disingenuous of me, to not come out?”
“That’s not what I meant,” Eliott hastily replies, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “It sucks that you or I will have to come out over and over again in our life. Society is changing, and people are getting better at not supposing everybody is straight, but you will have to correct assumptions thousands of times, Lucas. Your coworker will invite you and your girlfriend over for a drink, and you’ll have to say your boyfriend would love that. Or they will tell you that you don’t look like your brother in the picture on your desk, and it’ll be awkward and embarrassing for everybody when you tell them who that man really is. But you get to decide when and how and to whom you come out, Lucas. Just, if you want my advice, don’t try to be something you’re not, because that will eat you up.”
Lucas nods.
“I want to tell Yann, my best friend, but – it’s kinda complicated…” His eyes wander to the far corner.
Eliott looks over too. Yann is now slow dancing with the girl, his hands very low on her back.
“I take it that’s Yann?” Lucas’ eyes are confirmation enough. “Some pair we are. Both pining over our friends. Who are, to the best of our knowledge, a hundred percent straight.”
“They could be bi,” Lucas says, hating that he can’t disguise the hope in his voice. “Or pan, like you.”
Eliott doesn’t seem convinced.
“They could be, I suppose. Do you think Yann is?”
“No,” Lucas has to admit. “But he probably doesn’t think I am gay. Maybe he’s just trying to hide it.”
“Oh, Lucas.”
Eliott sounds sad and sorrowful.
“I should tell you to give up dreaming about him, but –” they both look over the couch “– I guess I have no right to tell you that.”
“Well,” Lucas says, torn between what he knows is idle hope and the harsh truth Eliott is reminding him of, “at least we can stick together. Sorrow shared, and all that.”
“Good plan,” Eliott says. “Give me your number. We can make sure we’re going to the same parties as much as possible.”
They swap their contact info, and stand around a bit awkwardly after that, not sure where to go from here.
“Wanna go find your friends?” Eliott eventually asks. “Make sure Yann is not disappearing with the girl?”
And that is how the Eliott And Lucas Pine Together Pact starts.
***
That’s how it starts, and that’s how it goes swimmingly, for a while.
The next two, three weeks they manage to end up at the same party, and they despair over Yann and Idriss trying out their best moves on everybody but them.
They moan whenever their friends are successful and end up kissing somewhere in the corner, and they secretly giggle with glee when they strike out. Once or twice, they make a few slightly unflattering comments about the girl of the week. And they always make a point to tell each other their respective best friends are missing out big time.
But one evening, after a few weeks, during a party at Emma’s house, Lucas suddenly realizes halfway through his third beer that he has no clue where Yann is, let alone who with and what they are doing. And Idriss – he hasn’t even seen Idriss tonight.
“Where are they?” he asks non-plussed, as he narrows his eyes in a futile attempt to make out the hazy figures dancing in the dim light.
“Yann’s in the kitchen, I think,” Eliott replies, taking a sip of his soft drink. He is trying to be good and not mess up his meds. “With that girl he tried to get two weeks ago, the redhead, remember? The one whose eyes aren’t nearly as pretty as yours?”
Lucas hums, and blushes slightly. It’s still a bit strange, to hear a boy say such things about him. And even more so when the boy in question is Eliott, who could easily be a model in Lucas’ humble opinion. He knows he wouldn’t be against having a picture or two of Eliott on his wall – if he was brave enough to have pictures of hot guys on his wall, that is.
“Idriss?”
“Oh, he had a family thing,” Eliott says, glaring at Yann and the redhead when they leave the kitchen to dance, their bodies plastered together. “Ugh. I really don’t know what he sees in her. She’s got such an annoying laugh.”
Lucas cannot help but agree, although he is quite surprised by the vehemence in Eliott’s voice. They leave not long after, and as they walk home, Lucas finds he doesn’t mind not going home with Yann. He and Eliott talk about everything and nothing, pretend to dance with the street lanterns – “It still looks better than Yann with that redhead, Lucas!” – and laugh probably way too loudly for the hour, but they don’t care.
It happens again the next week, when Arthur comes complaining to Lucas that Yann has deserted him for a blonde in too tight jeans. Lucas is startled by the news, since he hasn’t paid attention to Yann all evening. He did see Idriss flirt with two girls from Alexia’s dance school, and grumbled a bit to Eliott about straight guys being all the same, but Eliott didn’t seem too upset and they got talking about their celebrity crushes instead.
The pattern keeps repeating itself. Sure, they’ll gripe a little bit about the hotties of the week, but most of the time, they lose sight of their friends pretty early in the evening. With the warmer weather, they even go to the balcony a few times, or to the backyard, to sit and smoke and talk.
Some nights, Lucas asks Eliott about how it is to kiss a guy, or about how he told his parents. Other nights they talk about discrimination and queer rights. Yet others, they just tell each other about their school and their friends and their families. Lucas talks about his parents getting divorced, his mom being in a bad place. Eliott shares how scary it was the first few times he was manic, without a diagnosis, and how he doesn’t want to slip into a depressive episode ever again after trying to overdose on his pills last time. Those are the nights their words barely reach above a whisper, and they sit very closely together, hugging tightly.
They may be Lucas’ favourite.
They text all the time too, now, not just to confirm which parties they’re going to go to. It started with memes and silly gifs, but now it’s evolved to a running commentary throughout their day. Eliott is the first person Lucas talks to in the morning – a quick good morning text tapped out before he’s even out of bed – and usually the last one to light up his screen at night to wish him sweet dreams.
And then, it all comes to a head on a perfectly normal Tuesday. They’re sitting outside during their lunch break. The boys are discussing girls and Lucas has zoned out, texting Eliott, when he suddenly notices the silence. He looks up and the others are staring at him, expectantly and with huge grins on their faces.
“What?” Lucas says.
“Lucas is in lo-ove,” Arthur singsongs, and Lucas – he blushes, effectively giving himself away, and then he panics. How did they find out? Do they all know? His eyes find Yann. Does Yann – does Yann know? Yann is smirking at him, and Lucas waits for the familiar rush of emotion, the quickening of his heartbeat – but it doesn’t come.
“Tell us more, bro,” Basile chips in. “What’s her name? Is she pretty? Why haven’t you told us yet?”
And that is – not what Lucas was expecting.
“Huh?” he grunts, and the boys cackle at his confused expression.
“The girl you’re texting all the time, man! Don’t even try to deny it. You’re obviously head over heels.”
Lucas looks at his phone, which shows three new texts from Eliott. His fingers itch to unlock the screen, read what Eliott has sent him. He can see the first words of the last text, and he can hear Eliott’s voice in his head. They’ve already discussed the party for next weekend, and Lucas is really looking forward to it. The weather is supposed to be nice, so he and Eliott can go sit out somewhere to talk, and Lucas can’t wait.
“See? That,” Yann continues gleefully. “That lovesick expression on your face when you’re looking at your phone. You’ve got it bad, bro.”
Lucas looks from the boys to his phone, perplexed and unbelieving.
“I have a lovesick expression on my face when I look at my phone?”
Surely, whatever lovesick expression he might have is rather from watching Yann laugh than from looking at his phone. Then again, Yann is laughing right now, bumping Lucas in the shoulder with sparkly eyes, and Lucas – doesn’t feel that swoop of butterflies in his stomach, that rush to get enough breath to his lungs, that spike in his heart rate, that dizzying feeling of standing at the edge of a precipice. None of it.
When has this happened? When has Lucas stopped being completely and hopelessly infatuated with his best friend?
His phone beeps again, Eliott’s picture flashing briefly on the screen. Lucas looks down, and smiles. He feels warm and fuzzy, as if he’s cradling his hands around a mug of hot chocolate by the fire, as if he’s riding his bike downhill, and at the same time, he thinks he’s flying.
Oh.
Oh.
So that’s when it happened.
He looks up at his friends again, his eyes wide and his mouth open. He puts his phone down as if it burns.
He is met with howling laughter from the boys.
“Lucas is in lo-ove!” Arthur sings again, louder this time, and Yann and Basile just fall in, clapping their hands.
Lucas blushes furiously, trying to shush his friends, his eyes flittering around to see, to his shame, that a lot of people nearby are looking in their direction now.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Lulu”, Yann says, slapping him on the shoulder again.
“It is just a bit, though,” Arthur interrupts, deadly serious.
Lucas looks over sharply.
“I mean, yeah, Lucas! You really should be ashamed. We’re your bros! You’ve been holding out on us! Tell us more about your mystery girl, then!”
He could just tell them. Eliott would tell him they’d understand, and if they don’t, Lucas doesn’t need them in his life.
But they wouldn’t be able to keep things secret, or act normal when they see Eliott at the next party, and Eliott would find out, and – and Eliott doesn’t like Lucas back. Eliott is in love with Idriss, and well, next to Idriss, Lucas will never have any chance.
So Lucas just swallows, and says nothing, and lets the gang tease him as he puts his phone away and tries to come to terms with not being hopelessly in love with Yann anymore, and instead being hopelessly in love with Eliott – which isn’t all that much better, really.
It’s even hard to enjoy the party, that weekend, even though he and Eliott sit outside for most of it, talking. Lucas is trying really hard to behave normally – he’s got years of experience with Yann, so it shouldn’t be all that hard – but he’s not sure he succeeds. Eliott seems to notice something, or Lucas just isn’t good company, because he asks Lucas if he’d rather go in and find Yann. Lucas understands that Eliott wants to go find Idriss, so he nods, and they split ways.
It’s easier to keep up their texting, because Lucas doesn’t have to fight his blush the whole damn time, and doesn’t get distracted by Eliott’s hands, or his smile, or his long legs in those damned tight jeans he likes to wear. And he doesn’t have to worry if he is leaning too closely towards Eliott, or whether it would be giving away too much if he hugs Eliott when they say goodbye.
But then, after his good morning text on Thursday, Eliott stops replying to Lucas, and Lucas starts worrying by lunchtime. By the end of school, he’s full-out panicking. Has he blown it? Is Eliott mad at him? Did he give himself away, and is Eliott making a clean break?
At least they already know they’ll be at the same party on Saturday, so Lucas just tries to keep as calm as he can. If there’s something wrong with Eliott’s phone, he’ll tell Lucas then. And if he doesn’t want to talk to Lucas, well, at least he’ll know.
Friday drags way too slowly, and Lucas tries to sleep in so he won’t have that long to wait on Saturday, but of course he can’t sleep at all.
By the time they arrive at the party, Lucas is jittery and twitchy, and the gang has been teasing him the whole time they were pregaming at Arthur’s. They are convinced Lucas’ “Mystery Girl” will be at the party, and they’ve been amusing themselves by trying to get Lucas to spill some more details.
Finally, they enter the house of somebody Lucas doesn’t know, and they find their way to the living room. Lucas’ eyes find Eliott immediately, and –
Eliott is kissing Idriss. He’s holding Idriss’ face in both his hand and kissing him.
Lucas is frozen to the ground, until Basile pokes him in the side and mutters something about Mystery Girl, and Lucas – Lucas can’t stand it.
He blurts out, loud enough to be heard over the sudden lull in the music, “It’s a boy, you stupid ass,” and even though he wants to hit something, somebody, whatever, he doesn’t. He just turns and runs, and only when he’s almost back home, he gives in to the urge and punches a wall, once, twice, bursting the skin on his knuckles. The sharp pain is enough to have tears well up, and when he sucks at the broken skin, the coppery taste of blood fills his mouth.
He doesn’t even know why he is so upset, he’s known all along Eliott loved Idriss, he should be happy for Eliott, he –
He can’t. It was bad enough seeing Yann with Emma, when they were dating. At least Lucas knew he could never be what Yann wanted. But Eliott – Eliott was into boys – why couldn’t he just… have liked Lucas? Why?
His phone keeps buzzing, one message after the other, the gang trying to figure out what happened, likely. Lucas doesn’t want to deal with any of it, so he turns it off and stalks back home, where he slinks into his bedroom and doesn’t come out of it for hours. If his eyes are red and puffy when he emerges, that’s his business.
***
On Monday, the guys are apprehensive, but supportive too. They tentatively bring up Lucas’ confession, and before Lucas can say anything, Daphné comes running towards him, asking if it’s true. She’s bouncing with excitement and Lucas, feeling bolstered by his friends having his back, just confirms, easy as that. She hugs him and his friends hug him and it’s a moment of happiness and joy, and for an instant Lucas forgets about Eliott.
But then Basile starts about the fight Lucas had missed at the party – “Some guy kissed another guy, and the guy pushed him away and called him names and punched him, and it wasn’t pretty, Lu,” – and there he is again.
Lucas sees Eliott kissing Idriss again, an expression of elation on his face, his eyes burning feverish.
But if Idriss pushed Eliott away, then –
What does that mean? Are Idriss and Eliott together now, or not?
Lucas tried to think logically, but the boys have already advanced to some other incident at the party, something about somebody dropping their weed in the master bedroom and it being found by the little sister of whoever had hosted the party, and Lucas loses track of both the conversation and his thoughts, zoning out completely.
It’s only when Yann slaps him on the shoulder and asks why he never replied to any of their messages or answered his phone, that Lucas remembers he turned it off Saturday night. He fishes his phone out of his backpack and turns it on. There are dozens of texts in the gang’s group chat, and even more from the boys to Lucas individually. A bunch of missed calls too. Lucas deletes all the notifications, apologizing to the boys, and then, just as the bell rings to signal the start of class, he sees it.
Four missed calls from Eliott, from last night. One voice mail message.
They never call.
He looks at his friends, getting up to get inside, and he – he can’t. If Idriss punched Eliott… If Eliott lost his best friend somehow instead of getting together with him… Lucas can’t imagine what he would do if he lost Yann, even now he’s no longer in love with him. And well, Saturday’s events have shown him exactly what he would do when he thought he lost Eliott. He can still taste the blood.
So he shakes his head, and the boys, to their credit, don’t ask for an explanation.
Lucas calls Eliott, impatiently. He gets no answer, and he keeps trying, without result, until he remembers the voice mail.
Impatiently he calls the number and when he hears Eliott’s voice, his heart sinks. Eliott sounds – he sounds almost drunk, slurring his words, speaking too fast, too loud, and yet, at the same time, there is so much sadness underneath the words.
Lucas. Lucas. Lucas where are you, I need you, I’ve been waiting at the party, I needed to talk to you and you weren’t there, where were you? I know I’m a shitty friend I know Lucas I know but you weren’t there and I couldn’t help myself any longer it was stronger than me Lucas and you weren’t there to stop me, why weren’t you there, Lucas? I kissed him, Lucas, I kissed him and it was wonderful, it was better than I ever imagined, it was everything I dreamed of, why did I not try it sooner, it was perfect – but he punched me and told me he never wanted to see me again, so that was not so great, really. Why weren’t you just there, Lucas, it would have –
The message breaks off abruptly, a high-pitched beep resounding in Lucas’ ear, and he feels he has been struck by lightning. He should have urged the guys to leave for the party sooner, he had been wanting to leave, but they had been playing Fifa and they had wanted to finish the game, and – Lucas should have left alone, he had wanted to talk to Eliott so badly, why hadn’t he just ditched the guys to go find Eliott? He had known something was wrong with Eliott, he should have been there for him when Eliott needed him. Now Eliott might have lost his best friend, the boy he is in love with, and Lucas doesn’t even know how to find Eliott. Why, why have they never swapped addresses? Why has Lucas never walked Eliott home after a party? Why doesn’t he even know Eliott’s last name?
He keeps trying to call him, but the calls are routed to voicemail immediately, and Lucas doesn’t know what to say, so all he does is beg Eliott to call him, keep repeating how sorry he is.
Somebody must know who Eliott is.
He tackles the gang after their first period.
“Baz. That guy you were talking about. The one that kissed this other guy. Or the other guy, the one that got kissed. Who were they?”
Basile looks at him strangely.
“I don’t know either of them. They go to another school.”
“I need to know who they are, Baz. I need to find him.”
“Him? Who are you talking about, Lu?” Yann asks, confusion clear on his face.
Lucas sighs.
“The guy who kissed the other one is Eliott. He’s my… uh, my friend, we’ve been hanging out a lot recently. He, uh, he…” Lucas hesitates. He can’t betray Eliott’s trust, but he needs the boys’ help. “I, uh, I – it’s Eliott I’ve been texting with all the time, when you guys said I was so in love with whoever I was talking to…”
He feels the blush creeping up, and he stares at his shoes.
“He’s not answering his phone, and I – I…”
“Okay, man,” Arthur says, and Lucas cautiously lifts his head. “You need to find him. We get it. We’ll help.”
“Yeah, totally,” Yann chimes in. “Let’s ask Emma. She always knows everything. And if she doesn’t, then Daphné probably will.”
Determined and happy with their plan, they find the girls, and Yann kindly speaks for Lucas, asking them about the guys at the party, while Lucas hides a bit behind his friend.
To their surprise, it’s not Daphné or Emma who speaks up, but Imane.
“Why do you want to know, Yann?” she asks sharply. “It’s really none of your business. Leave them in peace.”
Yann stammers, but he falters under Imane’s stern look. Lucas steps forward. Imane knows them, he just feels it, and he needs to talk to Eliott.
“One of them is called Eliott,” he tells Imane, looking her straight in the eye. “The other one is Idriss. I don’t know anything else, but I need to find them. Or at least Eliott.”
The girls stare at him in utter silence. Imane raises an eyebrow.
“Come with me, Lucas,” she says, taking him by the elbow and leading him away. He can hear the others erupt in chaotic exclamations behind them, but he follows Imane without paying attention to anything else.
“Spill,” Imane says, turning towards him when they are far enough away to not be overheard.
“I, uh, I met Eliott a few months ago. We’ve been – friends. We text each other, but his phone is off since – since Saturday, I suppose? He’s had a crush on Idriss, they are friends, and if it’s true that Idriss punched him and insulted him, then he needs a – another friend.”
Imane looks at him thoughtfully.
“I wasn’t there Saturday,” she says, “but if Idriss punched Eliott and insulted him, it was probably just out of surprise. He wouldn’t be mean just to be mean. Not to Eliott. They’ve been friends for so long.”
“You know them?”
“Yes. Idriss is my brother.”
Well. Out of all the things Imane could have dropped on him, this would have been the last one he’d have guessed.
“He had bandages on his hand Sunday and he refused to talk to anybody, but I overheard him on the phone to – to another friend of theirs. Something about a kiss. So when Yann came to ask about guys kissing and fighting at the party, I put two and two together.”
“I – I am sorry, Imane, but – Eliott? Do you know where he lives? How can I find him?”
“I don’t know his address, but it’s somewhere in the Rue Breguet, I think. His last name is Demaury. I hope that helps.”
“Thank you, Imane. You’re a lifesaver.”
Lucas spontaneously hugs her, which she allows, after her initial surprised knee-jerk move to pull back.
“Lucas!” she calls after him. “Tell him Idriss is sorry.”
Lucas nods over his shoulder, and sprints away.
It takes some time – the white pages aren’t what they used to be – but finally Lucas manages to find out where Eliott lives.
It doesn’t take long to get there.
He rings the doorbell, and it becomes immediately clear he should have thought this through better when a pretty lady opens.
“Uh, good morning, uh, I – I am Lucas, and I was wondering if – if Eliott is okay?”
The woman – Eliott’s mother, Lucas assumes – raises an eyebrow.
“Not really. Shouldn’t you be in school? I’ll let him know you’ve been by.”
She moves to close the door, but Lucas can’t let that happen.
“Uh, I just – could I see him? He’s not answering his phone, and I’m really worried about him.”
The woman’s face softens, but she doesn’t seem any more inclined to let him in.
“Listen, Lucas was it? I never heard Eliott talk about any Lucas before.” That stings, but then again, Lucas only told everybody about Eliott this morning too. “He’s – sleeping. I’d rather he isn’t disturbed right now. But I’ll ask him to contact you, okay? Just – it could be a while. A few days, maybe. Don’t worry too much, though.”
Lucas’ eyes go wide when she says it might be a while, but then he nods. He knows how things are with his mom and that sometimes, time is the only thing that helps. It would make sense that it is the same with Eliott.
“Just – just please – please ask him to call me whenever he can.”
The lady nods, once, a bit grimly, and she closes the door. Lucas is left standing there, so close to Eliott, and yet so far away.
The next days are torture. Lucas sends Eliott a good morning text every morning, and a good night text right before he falls asleep, but there is no sign of life from Eliott. He tackles his school assignments with vigour to keep himself from worrying about Eliott every second, and so after all the anxious waiting, it still comes as kind of a surprise when his phone rings on Friday.
“Lucas?”
Eliott’s voice is small, but it is big enough to make Lucas’ heart explode.
“Eliott. God, I’m so happy you called. I am so sorry I was late, I should have been there…”
“No, no, Lucas, it wasn’t your fault. I, uh, I was manic. I shouldn’t even have been there myself, I knew it was happening, it had been going on for a few days and I hadn’t slept or basically done anything but paint, but I wanted to see you and – well. And then I got all fidgety waiting for you and Idriss – he was right there and he was not flirting with a girl for once and he said we brothers should stick together and he hugged me and I – well. I’m sure you heard.”
Lucas swallows thickly.
“I – I saw. I’m sorry, Eliott.”
“You – you saw? God, Lucas. I, uh… I didn’t even know you were there.”
“Yeah, I – I had just arrived. I’m sorry about what happened. Imane said Idriss is sorry.”
“Imane? You know Imane?”
“Yeah, she’s in my class. I didn’t find out until Monday that she’s Idriss’ sister though. But I – I was worried about you, and I wanted to find you, so I asked the girls if they knew you, and, yeah. She told me. She said Idriss was probably just surprised, and he didn’t mean to hit you.”
“Lucas, I – I don’t know what to say.”
“You can still be his friend, Eliott. I know it sucks that he doesn’t like you back like that, but you don’t have to lose the friendship. If Imane is right.”
“I – Thank you. I, uh, I will call him. How, uh, how’s Yann? Still the same?”
If you had asked Lucas a few weeks ago how often he thought a heart could break, he’d have said one, at the most. Now he knows that isn’t true, as he feels it shatter once again.
“Oh. Yeah, still the same. At least you kissed Idriss once. I doubt I will ever be brave enough.”
A silence.
“Shit, sorry, Eliott, I shouldn’t have joked about that, I’m such an idiot…”
“No, it’s fine, really. It’s just – I’m not in love with Idriss anymore.”
Wait. What?
“It’s just that the boy I fell for is just as unavailable, and I was upset about that, and that’s why I figured kissing Idriss would be a good idea. Well. We all know how good it turned out to be.”
Eliott laughs self-deprecatingly.
Lucas feels his world has just tilted out of axis. If Eliott doesn’t love Idriss any longer – then why couldn’t he just have fallen for Lucas instead?
He knows Eliott is far out of his league. Eliott is older, he doesn’t want to date some kid like Lucas. And that’s even without taking Eliott’s insane good looks into account. But they are friends, they get along, they talk all the time, they –
Lucas stops himself harshly. Eliott is in love with someone, whether that’s Idriss or anybody else makes no difference.
“Oh, well. We can still complain about our crushes together, then, right?”
Eliott laughs again, but it sounds hollow.
“I’m not sure, Lucas. I – I am tired. I’ll see you, yeah?”
He hangs up abruptly, and Lucas mentally adds another heartbreak to the tally.
***
It takes a few days to get back to some tentative normal. The boys have stopped asking about Eliott, after Lucas made it clear Eliott is not into him. They’ve decided Lucas needs to get drunk out of his mind and kiss some other guy, to get over his first crush. Lucas doesn’t tell them he got over his true first crush just fine without alcohol abuse and hooking up with strangers.
So that is how they find themselves at a party organized by the LBGTQ+ youth centre, one Friday. The boys are not at ease, but determined to be there for Lucas. Lucas doesn’t have the heart to tell them he is not very comfortable here either.
It’s just a normal party, except that there are more boys dancing together. Lucas watches a buff guy dancing with somebody he really hopes is his boyfriend, because pushing your ass against just some stranger’s dick like that should probably be illegal. The boys are making their way to the bar to get drinks, their eyes resolutely on nothing else but the bartender. Lucas follows quickly.
And that’s when he notices Eliott, nursing a beer at the bar, looking miserable.
And of course, as if he feels Lucas’ eyes boring into him, he looks up and stares right at Lucas. Lucas blushes fervently, and turns his head to find the boys.
“Eliott is here,” he announces without preamble. “And he’s seen me.”
The guys seem lost for words for a minute, until Arthur shrugs.
“Go talk to him,” he advises simply. “Figure out if you guys are still gonna be friends, or not. Not knowing is the worst.”
And well – when did Arthur become so wise about these things?
Lucas goes over, and sits down next to Eliott.
“Hi,” Eliott says, but it sounds a bit cold.
“Hi,” Lucas replies, uncertainly. “I, uh, I missed you.”
Eliott doesn’t reply, just sips his drink.
“So, what are you doing here? Is your crush here too?” Lucas asks. He’s not sure what he’ll do if Eliott says yes, points him out to Lucas. Sure, Lucas promised Eliott they could still support each other in their unfortunate love lives, but he isn’t sure he can actually do it.
Eliott murmurs something that sounds like “Apparently”, but Lucas isn’t too sure with the way Eliott mumbles and the loud music.
“And you?” he then asks, loudly this time. “Trying to get over Yann?”
It sounds strange, angry almost, but Lucas doesn’t pay any attention to it. He’s tired of pretending.
“Yann’s there.” He points at the boys, watching them raptly, and averting their eyes as soon as Eliott glances over. “I came out. I told them I like a guy, but he doesn’t like me back. They wanted to help me pull tonight.”
Eliott nods in his beer vehemently.
“I see. So you didn’t tell him you like him?”
“I don’t. I mean, not anymore. I like somebody else.”
Eliott’s eyes widen.
“What? You never told me.”
“You didn’t tell me you didn’t like Idriss anymore either.”
Eliott takes a big gulp of his beer.
“Yeah, well.”
They sit together in silence for a while, the only sound Eliott drinking.
“Eliott, I – I – Can’t we be friends again? I miss you, really. I – I am so sorry if I did something wrong…”
Eliott laughs sharply.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Quite the opposite. And I’m not sure it’s a good idea to try to be friends with you. Look how it turned out with Idriss. I’ll get manic again and I’ll try to kiss you and – Fuck.”
Eliott cuts himself off, his eyes wide and anxious, and Lucas – Lucas doesn’t understand, what is Eliott going on about, and what –
Oh.
Oh.
“I wouldn’t push you away, though, if you did…”
He can’t look at Eliott, afraid he’s got it all wrong, afraid that he is dreaming, interpreting his words completely wrong – but what else could he have meant, what else could he have cut himself off from saying –
“You wouldn’t?” Eliott finally asks, slowly, and very, very small.
And Lucas suddenly finds a well of courage he never knew he had, somewhere deep inside, or maybe it’s the eyes of his friends in his back that push him to speak up, to go for what he wants.
“Eliott, when I said I didn’t have a crush on Yann anymore… I meant that I had been spending so much time with somebody else, somebody amazing, and everything between us seemed so easy, talking, texting all day… I thought he was in love with somebody else, but – but, Eliott, I – I think I like you, I mean, I like like you, so, so much…”
Eliott sits perfectly still.
“Lucas, I – Are you sure? You’re not just saying that?”
Lucas suddenly laughs, and he grabs Eliott’s hand.
“Eliott, oh god, I thought I was such an idiot, after all the pining for Yann, to fall for somebody else who was completely out of reach, so please, if I got it all wrong, just tell me…”
“No,” Eliott yells quickly, and then continues more quietly, “no, Lucas, no, I like you too, well, more than like, really, I –”
“Kiss me,” Lucas demands, riding out this strange burst of braveness, and Eliott obeys.
It is chaste and short, but it is Lucas’ first real kiss, the first he had actually wanted, and it is enough to make his heart heal in one glorious instant after all the breaks it has endured recently.
“So, about commenting on your crush,” he says solemnly when they break apart, and Eliott laughs.
“Nope. No can do. You won’t have time to be watching any other guys.”
“Perfect”, Lucas states, before leaning over again, whispering in Eliott’s ear. “Wanna dance? I saw these guys… I think I’d like to dance with you like that.”
Eliott smiles, and lets Lucas drag him by the hand to the dancefloor.
From the corner of his eyes, he sees the guys finish their beers and wave to him that they are going. Lucas doesn’t mind. He has other plans for tonight.
“Just so we’re clear,” Eliott says, “I am very much into cute brunettes. One cute brunette at least.”
“Cool,” Lucas says. “Me too.”