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With a groan of displeasure, Johnny rubbed off his sticky hands on jeans that already needed thorough washing. The whole house could use a good scrub, really, but so long as the wriggling toddler was still roaming around unfettered, there were only so many hands he could put to work in here. At least she was tied to the chair for the moment. He had no doubt she would learn to squirm her way out of that, too. Every day, she learned new tricks.
"All done?" He asked Emily, whose face was lying on top of the tray in her high chair, her hair dipping in the bowl he now tried to pick up to pile in the sink.
She groaned like a wounded animal. The girl could be so loud. Everything she did or babbled, she did so fiercely and with her whole heart, whether for woe or for joy. Johnny always thought of it as his daughter having a full heart already, but so small a body every emotion seemed decupled on her. When he seized the half-finished bowl of softened fruit and veggies, though, she snatched it back at full strength to mash a few more tiny handfuls of its content half into her mouth, half onto the tray. Johnny sighed.
"Alright, not all done, then."
From the list he had pinned on the fridge, he preemptively crossed off the item "Feed Emily her dinner" with the hope the gesture might rush the girl into working with him a little for once. He rinsed off a dish cloth and braced himself for wiping off the tyrant’s face. Another item he was eager to be done with, but just as difficult as the meal itself. If only he could catch her unaware, trap her little hands in his big ones just for long enough to make her presentable…
"Now, don’t move too much and be good for daddy." He whimpered in fearful anticipation. "Please…"
The door pushed open and he sprang back, startled. His heart was suddenly drumming frantically in his chest at the terror Sue would see right through his uselessness and he scooted to the side in front of the list to hide just how much was left on his plate. Was it truly already time for her to be back home?
"Mama!" Emily cried out. Her thin little arms stretched as far as she possibly could to try and beckon her mother close. Johnny steadied her with a palm at her shoulder, afraid the child would fall off. There was already one bump on her forehead from earlier in the day he hoped Sue would fail to notice. "Mama, hold!"
Sue meticulously dropped her things in their place on the shelf by the entrance, keys and purse and jewelry, shoes off, jacket on the rack, and turned to the child. Emily was desperate for her attention and Johnny thought she might once more burst into tears if Sue did not pick her up very soon. She had done far too much of that all day.
"Dang it, sweetheart, but you’re filthy," Sue told the girl. She gave Johnny a quick glance, whose mouth fell open as he racked his brain for any explanation that would satisfy her. Sue’s standards were sky high, which usually suited him rather well as she took it upon herself to implement them. "Here. Don’t move, now."
It was as though an entirely different child had been summoned and Johnny watched with stupefaction how Emily sat straight and mellow for Sue to wipe off her face and hands, even up her arms, so intense her dinner.
"Mama?" She asked timidly when Sue took two steps to the sink to rinse off the cloth and lay it across to dry. Sue never forgot a thing, never left anything to be done later.
"Right here, darlin’, it’s bath time" she said and picked up the child, who nestled into her shoulder like she had been deprived of affection for ages. Sue patted her back and smiled. It was a rare tenderness on her and Johnny felt a tug of fondness in his heart which melted away only in the next moment, when Sue glared at him. "Well, ain’t this a palace?"
Without a word, she swirled around and took the girl with her to the bathroom. Johnny sank at the kitchen table and dropped his face like a dead weight on the sticky, dirty surface of it. Across the thin wall of their small apartment, he heard water running and Emily started to giggle. Sue made soft conversation with her daughter, who had little vocabulary to pour her share of it but enough enthusiasm to hold up her part of listening. From birth, mother and daughter had been inseparable. Johnny often wondered what role he played in the shaky little trio of their family. The breadwinner, for sure, but even at that he was inadequate and on the rare days Sue left the home to visit her parents, he failed at keeping up with everything she would have done if she were here.
The bed wasn’t made. He had tried to, but then he had made the unfortunate mistake of changing Emily’s night diaper on top of the freshly made bed and even the changing mat had done little to stop the flood of muddy waters. He had done laundry with the few remaining coins before pay day next Friday, but with the girl having a meltdown at the laundromat and begging for his attention, he had not folded everything right there as Sue would have done, and by the time he had calmed Emily down with snacks at home and funny faces, he had forgotten. Johnny often forgot. It was a flaw he had had from childhood and even now he still felt more boy than man and always, he forgot. The laundry lay in a messy pile in the clean hamper and he had not folded it all day.
The incomplete list taunted him when he lifted his head again. He had forgotten to wipe the counters after cooking − Emily had not let him remember. He had mopped the floor, but he had forgotten to vacuum the kitchen, though he had done the bedrooms and the living room and the cannister now sat there lost and forgotten before the task had been completed. He had forgotten to call the pediatrician to make an appointment for Emily’s upcoming vaccinations and he was afraid Sue would know, that she would blame him for always leaving to her the task of pulling the reigns of the household and the family − and what was his excuse except that he forgot? He had sent the payments for the electricity bill, but he had forgotten to adjust the rent for the ever changing extras the landlord heaped onto them. He had looked after his daughter all day, but he had forgotten to enjoy it. All alone in a dirty kitchen in a messy house, he stared at the half-forgotten list, the reminder of all his flaws, and groaned.
He had not meant to become a father before he had even finished high school. He would never finish it now, he knew, for that train had passed right before him at full speed in sleepless nights and poopy diapers. He had never excelled in his classes after all, but he was not particularly thriving at his job either now. He wasn’t an especially good father, to top it all off. Emily was fed and diapered and content to be held by her mama, but he knew he could do better if only he could focus for a moment on doing what was to be done. If he thought things through, if he realized consequences in the moment, and not just when his failures hit him in the face later. If he didn’t space out at work, the boss might give him a raise instead of a slap on the head to keep him on track. If he did all the chores before Sue even thought to ask, she might love him better and he would be the husband she needed him to be. If he handled Emily with all the patience and efficiency her mother did, she would show less evident preference between her parents and the three of them might be happy together. If anyone was a third wheel in the house, it was him, not the child. Perhaps it was for the better his parents were no longer here to look after him. They would not have been proud of what they saw.
"I changed her into her pajamas," Sue let him know when she came back.
If he had been a better man, Johnny would have used her time bathing Emily to wipe off the counters. He could have finished vacuuming and put it away in the closet. He could have called the doctor, changed the rent payment, cleaned the high chair tray and thrown away the list with all items crossed off. There were so many things left to do and by telling himself off for not doing them all, he always ended up doing not even one of them. It would have been better to do them all wrong than not at all, though not much better.
"Oh, thank you," he said quietly.
Emily was sucking on her thumb and snuggling against her mother’s bosom, her eyes closed. She was never so bratty when Sue handled her, even meek at times. What was a challenge for him came naturally to Sue, it seemed. Or perhaps it was just as hard for her as for him but she simply faked it better till she inevitably made it. Last winter, she had turned eighteen, but when she held their child and paid attention to her every needs, even ones he did not know about, he felt like her soul was twice as old as his already.
"If you fix things up before I’m back," she said in a low voice, more to lull the baby into quiet than because she was any sort of soft on him, "Then I won’t mention what the fuck you’ve done with the house while I was gone." She turned to the child and her voice was much more tender then, not quite baby-talk but as close as could be on such a stern young woman. "It’s bedtime, sweetie, we’re goin’ to sleep all night tonight. Goodnight to daddy?"
Emily’s nose scrunched up but she took the kiss Johnny pressed on her soft baby hair Sue had combed and tied into two little buns. She even gave him a wet one of her own. In these moments, Johnny knew he could never, ever have made another choice than to fall down on his knees and beg Sue to let him have a chance of playing her husband the day she had told him he had knocked her up. Even when she rebelled, Emily was his child and he adored her, but often as not those eyes he had given her were filled with protest rather than the worship she gave her mother. And still, his heart clenched with the deepest love whenever he looked at her. All the more when she was too sleepy to really disobey.
"Goodnight, angel," he said.
He smiled to Sue, who nodded him towards the piles of mess he had left. The door to Emily’s tiny broom closet of a bedroom closed behind them.
He had to pull himself together. The vacuum first, so that he did not risk to wake Emily up if he did it last. Lord knew she was easy to wake, with or without his fault. In a low voice, he muttered his message on the doctor’s voicemail. He fiddled with the banking app till he managed to change the rent and winced at the prospect of perhaps pulling extra shifts to err on the safer side. The kitchen was dirtier than ever by the time Sue came back. Silently, she grabbed a towel and help him wipe off the counters from the other end. Their hands met in the middle and he paused there, ashamed of himself. Sue looked up at him. Softly, she stood to her tippy toes and pressed a quick kiss against his lips. Johnny felt struck by lightning and held fingers to his mouth, not quite sure of the token of affection he had received. Sue ran hot water for washing dishes and the kitchen filled with the artificial scent of lemon dish soap.
"Baby girl says she had a good day with ya," she said eventually. "And she liked the banana-cauliflower." She smirked. "She liked it a lot more in her hair than in her mouth, though."
He chuckled awkwardly. Grabbing a towel, he stood next to her, ready to pick the dishes after she rinsed them off to dry them and put them away. For a long moment, nothing was said. He wondered if Emily was already asleep. If she was having beautiful dreams.
"Mama’s not doing great."
Her voice was suddenly deep and distant and Johnny felt emotional at the sound of it almost as much as the news. For months now, Eleanor had been suffering. Even split between a household that so ardently needed her help and a childhood home that did, too, Sue managed to balance it all. There was nothing she couldn’t do.
"Oh." He wanted to reach out, hug her, but his hand fell back to his side numbly and he only wanted to cry. "I’m sorry."
Sue looked at him. The last of the plates, she put to drip on the rack and, throwing the sponge back into the sink, she pressed herself into his chest. Johnny startled at this, too, but he held his arms around her as close as he could and kissed the crown of her head. She was breathing heavily.
"It’s fine," she said, though they both knew it wasn’t. "I’m fine, of course. Eh, what’s a mama to do? Maybe she’s doin’ it all for attention like daddy and his limp. Wouldn’t put it past her."
Johnny brushed tendrils of hair behind her ears and looked into her eyes. If she was infinitely more mature than him when it came to parenting, she was all eighteen again in his arms, a young daughter forced to face the tragedies of life earlier than she’d wanted. She didn’t deserve this. None of them did, but Sue ought to be carefree and dancing her soul away to a swinging tune. She should be counting stars with him from the top of a stack of hay, she should be sneaking kisses between classes, teasing him for his crush on her, telling off her parents for trying to boss her around. She should not be the one in charge both for the life of her daughter and that of her mother. He kissed her.
"I’m sorry," he said again.
She deserved a better hand than the one life had given her. She deserved two healthy parents able to support her. She deserved college and parties and clubs and everything else shouting freedom. She deserved a whole lot of a better husband than him. Of all the things, perhaps, only their daughter was precious and pure and paid back Sue with all the care she gave her. It was no mystery, though, that Sue’s hopes and dreams had not included a kid before even graduating to adulthood herself. He only hoped that Emily’s pretty face made up a little for everything her birth had taken from Sue. To him, it was another thing he was messing up, but Sue had had prospects before their daughter came.
"Was the baby really that shitty today?" She asked softly and reached to cup his jaw in her small hand. Her thumb stroked his cheek and he realized he had forgotten to shave. "You look like a big mess, dear."
"Eh, she only pooped seven times," he replied with a shrug. He covered her hand with his own. "Been worse."
There was nothing left to do, not today. The morning would bring about another hurricane of chores to remember, but that was another day and Johnny was eager to first see this one through. Sue took him to the bed she made them, took him in her arms, and cuddling against her he forgot all about the troubles of the day he had braced alone. Some things were fine being forgotten.