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It’s been nearly four months since that concert. Since Jeongguk got shot in the stomach, near fatally, and we all had to watch and wait to see if our beloved youngest would die. It’s been a long four months. Jeongguk spent over two weeks in the hospital. The rest of us switched out staying with him and staying at the hotel, the doctors wouldn’t let us all stay 24/7. I remember one day in particular, when Yoongi and Hoseok had stayed with Jeongguk and the rest of us were at the hotel, when we just cuddled without saying a word. It was a few days in. The wounds were still fresh. Taehyung had backed into his own sort of shell, as if hardening his edges would help the pain go away. Seokjin blamed himself, no matter how much we told him it was unreasonable, no matter how much he knew it was unreasonable. Namjoon was exhausted, so overcome with grief and relief and a million other emotions that he could barely think. And me? I just laid there and counted my favorite things of all my favorite boys. And if I spent a little extra time on Jeongguk then no one would blame me.
After Jeongguk was discharged we flew back to Korea and he was almost immediately in the hospital again. Stitches came undone on the flight, he said it was probably his fault for twisting some way while sleeping on the plane. He was okay. We were all grateful. And then the long road to recovery began, with physical therapy three times a week and a doctors appointment biweekly just to make sure he was alright. He didn’t show many symptoms of PTSD and he keeps pointing that out every time he shoots down the idea of getting a therapist. Even after nightmares that would leave him flinching so hard he would wake up the others around him, he would just smile, and shake his head, and say, “I’m fine, just achy.”
But now is not the time to look at the past. Now, Jeongguk has been told he can dance again. His physical therapist was very clear: no choreography. Just stretching, just simple movements. Ease back into it, don’t jump head first. Jeongguk nodded but we know better. Or, should I say, Hoseok knew better.
This morning, the day before Jeongguk is scheduled to come back to dance practices, Hoseok rounded us up and declared it a “boyfriend dance practice.” Just us, no staff to pressure us or schedule us. We can move at Jeongguk’s pace.
The studio is big, too big for the seven of us, and yet the amount of times we’ve snuck in here just us is too many to count. After being told to dance every day for many years, it’s become too familiar, too comforting of a space to leave.
Plus, the sound system is amazing.
Hobi, ever our god of dance, makes up a playlist for today and quickly hooks it up to the sound system. The rest of us start doing some basic stretches. I sit down next to Jeongguk and Seokjin, the elder helping Gguk do some leg stretches. Carefully, Seokjin guides Jeongguk down so he can reach his feet, keeping a hand on Jeongguk’s stomach to cushion the wound some.
“Hey, hey,” I put my hand on Jeongguk’s back as I notice him wince. “No pushing yourself. If it hurts, sit back up.”
As soon as I say it, Jeongguk shoots up, putting his hand on top of Jin’s.
Jin frowns. “I’ve seen you do stretches like this at PT, what’s up?”
“Ah,” Jeongguk shakes his head a bit. “I’m just aching a little more today, I think.” He gives us a smile. I return it, albeit hesitantly.
The rest of stretching, even once the music starts up, continues on like this. Jeongguk pushes himself a little too much, we call him out, he stands back up and smiles. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I can tell by the others’ reactions that they feel similarly, but no one says anything.
Actual dancing is tricky, to say the least. Namjoon and Seokjin work together to “brush up” on choreography, but they mostly just purposefully make fools of themselves in order to make Jeongguk laugh. And the laughing is needed because every time something hurts too much or is just too difficult I see a little bit of shine disappear from Gguk’s eyes. By the time we’re about three songs through, all of them spent doing the most basic steps only and straying from any and all complications, Jeongguk is a lot more down. Yoongi puts a hand on his arm and tells him to take a breather while Seokjin gets us water bottles. Gives us some line about how “it’s important to stay hydrated even if we’re barely moving!”
The rest of us gather in a sort of circle, Yoongi moving to sit down while holding on to Jeongguk’s arm but Jeongguk quickly shakes his arm free.
“I wanna stay up.”
“Baby, you should take a break.” Namjoon says, a deep crease in his forehead from concern.
Jeongguk shakes his head.
I shake mine back, giving him a smile when he chuckles. “Come on, it’s important to give your body a break.”
“Yeah, but I also want to see how far I can push myself. That’ll be important to know come tomorrow.” He shrugs. None of us can deny it 'cause we all know it’s true. I huff. Even if I know it’s true doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Taehyung and Yoongi start discussing something, the new song Taehyung pitched to the producers it sounds like, while Hoseok gives Namjoon some warning about the new choreography coming up in the next few months. I watch Jeongguk, watch as he smiles around at the others like I was doing previously, watch as he seems to be truly content. Watch as that light dims and his smile falls. Watch as pure horror and pain crosses over his face as the door slams shut as Seokjin comes back in. In an instant, Jeongguk is collapsed on the ground, scrambling against the wall and barely being able to pull his knees to his chest because of the pain it causes him.
Chaos ensues.
“What happened?!” Seokjin drops all the bottles, rushing over. The music is still coming through the speakers.
“Jeongguk?! Jeonggukie, baby, are you alright?” Yoongi is no better, looking hesitant to approach Jeongguk. I can do nothing but watch.
“God fuck, fuck, fuck.” Namjoon can’t stop cursing, pulling his hair and pacing the room.
Everyone is panicked, everyone is yelling and asking Jeongguk if he’s alright as he pushes himself against the wall, deep in the throes of a panic attack.
He grasps his hair, covering his ears with his forearms and breathing heavily, unevenly. Whines come out between each breath, tears stream down his cheeks as sobs come out between whines, his entire body is shaking and every time he tries to move he winces from what I can only assume is pain.
And I have no idea what to do.
Taehyung slowly moves forward, now also on the ground. “Everyone needs to calm down.” His voice is stable and quiet. The hyungs immediately follow, voices going silent. Namjoon stops pacing.
“Hoseok, go turn off the music.”
I tune back into the music I failed to process before. I knew it was playing. I knew it was there, a background noise to the chaos surrounding us. It’s Fake Love.
The familiar beats turn off and I can notice that the shaking in Jeongguk’s legs has already gotten a little better. How could I not have noticed?
“Baby, Jeonggukie, I’m going to touch you now, okay?” Taehyung is right in front of him, speaking softly, without urgency and with so much love and care.
Jeongguk nods and a loud whine comes from past his lips, followed by a sob that racks his entire body, followed by a wince that creases his facial features. I continue to just stand here.
Taehyung places his hands very slowly and carefully on Jeongguk’s nape and his waist. He presses his chest against Jeongguk’s knees and takes a deep breath.
“Alright, Gguk, can you breathe with me? Just take some deep breaths, it’s okay if you can’t do it at first. Just try with me, okay?” He takes another breath. Jeongguk tries to follow and just whines instead as he fails, the air coming out too fast and hard, the noise loud and full of nothing but agony and fear.
Taehyung’s hand moves comfortingly over the side of Jeongguk’s neck. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s alright, in…” He takes a deep breath in and holds it. Jeongguk slowly does the same, even as another noise threatens to escape the back of his throat. “And out.” Taehyung’s breath comes out controlled, Jeongguk’s comes out fast and with the tail end of a plead.
“You’re doing great, come on.” Taehyung reassures him, giving a light squeeze to his waist. Jeongguk just keeps trying to breathe, keeps following the pattern I’m sure he can feel against his knees from where Taehyung is pressed against him. It takes a few minutes before Jeongguk is breathing more or less normally, but he’s still sobbing, still shaken, still panicking.
“TaeTae, I-” It’s all he can get out before he whines again, his breathing threatening to pick up again.
“No, hey, it’s alright.” Taehyung quickly gains his attention. “Can you tell me where we are?”
Jeongguk seems a little thrown at that. “The- the dance studio.”
Taehyung smiles, nods. “Yeah. Can you tell me Jimin’s shirt color?”
Jeongguk glances at me and I give him a smile. It hurts to see the tears falling down his red face, so flushed from his sudden burst of emotion.
Jeongguk looks back at Tae, actually making eye contact this time. “White.”
“So good, you’re doing so good.” Another squeeze to his waist. “What about Namjoonie, hm?”
“Blue.” Jeongguk barely has to look at Namjoon for that, which means he remembered.
“Yeah, baby,” Taehyung doesn’t move yet. “Can you tell me where my hands are on you?”
Jeongguk gulps as another whine threatens to come up. The tears have nearly stopped now. “Um, my neck and,” He puts one of his hands over Tae’s on his waist. “On- on my waist.”
Taehyung doesn’t prompt anything more, he just stays there, pressed against Jeongguk’s knees and rubbing circles into his waist. Jeongguk’s breathing slows, the tears stop falling, the shaking is minimal. Everything is calm.
Seokjin moves to sit down next to him but gives him space. Yoongi does the same on his other side. Namjoon cuddles next to Yoongi and Hoseok grabs my hand to guide me to sit down next to Tae.
The silence is nearly suffocating but nobody dares to break it. We leave that honor to Jeongguk.
“I’m sorry.” His voice is so quiet, so soft, and so full of remorse.
“No.” Mine is the opposite, full of resolution. “No, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”
“But I’ve never had a panic attack before, I’ve been fine!” Jeongguk’s remorse has turned to frustration, it’s clear to see. He huffs, squeezes Taehyung’s hand tighter. “I’ve been fine.”
“Sometimes symptoms of trauma can take a while to show up,” Taehyung murmurs in a reassuring way for all of us. “Or, they won’t be prominent until a certain trigger.”
Fake Love. The song that was playing when Jeongguk got shot. We hadn’t listened to it since then. Today was the first time it was on and not one of us thought that maybe, just maybe, it would cause Jeongguk to relive that time. That horrid time when we thought he would die. When he thought he would die.
“I…” Jeongguk goes to talk and stops. Hesitates.
Yoongi reaches out and slowly puts his hand on top of Gguk’s knee. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, baby.”
“No, I do, I just-” He cuts himself off again.
And then, quieter than before, so quiet I have to strain to hear him, he starts talking again.
“Everything was fine. I was just watching you guys but then I heard what song was playing and, I don’t know how to describe it it was just like… Like fear, filled my entire brain, it was all I could think of. All I could think of was how this was the song that was playing when I got shot, and then the door slammed shut and it sounded like it and it freaked me the fuck out and-” His voice picks up, his breathing picks up, the shaking picks up.
“Okay, okay.” Taehyung squeezes both Jeongguk’s neck and side, cutting off his words before he throws himself back into a panic. I notice how Hoseok is now tense besides me but when I look over at him all I see is the concern that’s plastered on all our faces. “It’s okay, baby. You’re safe now.”
Jeongguk inhales deeply and very slowly lets it out. When he starts talking again he’s got more power in his voice and less fear.
“It felt like I had gotten shot again. The pain came rushing back and the fear and all of a sudden I was just so, so scared of dying.” He laughs but there’s no humor to it. Just an empty cold sound as his eyes drift down to his hand he now has hovering over where his scar is. “All because of a song.”
Nobody knows how to respond. At least not verbally. I can see Seokjin hesitating before placing one hand on Jeongguk’s shoulder. The younger looks at him, and I don’t know what Jin saw in his eyes but he latches onto him so tightly I'm a little afraid for Gguk’s air circulation. Until Jeongguk’s hands come up and hug Jin just as tight. Yoongi hugs from behind, and the rest of us find some way to have a hand on Jeongguk, to remind him that we’re here, he’s here, he’s alive, and he’ll be okay. I have my hand running through his hair, just softly combing through the strands in the way he asks me to do at night. His hair is soft but tangled now from how he was pulling on it earlier. I try to get rid of the tangles, even though a brush would probably do the job better.
“I think,” Namjoon is quiet. “It’s time we go home for the day.”
Jeongguk nods and in almost one movement we’re all on our feet, still holding on to our baby. Jin and Yoongi walk awkwardly in order to keep hugging Jeongguk as we slowly make our way out of the studio. I hear Namjoon talking still.
“I’ll message Sejin and make sure that Fake Love is off any set-lists and playlists until further notice.”
“And when we get home, I can look up some therapists nearby.” Seokjin offers, Yoongi offering to help as well. Jeongguk only nods. The group walks out, Taehyung trailing behind, Hoseok and I trailing behind still.
That is, until Hoseok grabs my hand.
I turn to look at him and immediately halt in my tracks at the look on his face.
“Jiminie, Hobi, come on.” Taehyung calls to us.
I look back at him, give him a smile, and wave him on. “We’ll be there in a second. We gotta get Hobi’s phone and all the water bottles Jin dropped.”
Taehyung looks at his feet, at the water bottles he had kicked away unknowingly, and only nods before walking out the door.
The door shuts. Now that Jeongguk had said it, it really does sound similar to that gunshot. But maybe I’m just affiliating it with that now, maybe it’s just similar because it’s a loud bang and that’s it.
Hoseok squeezes my hand tighter. He makes no move towards his phone or the water bottles.
“Hobi?” It comes out as a question, although it’s more just to get his attention, to get his eyes to focus instead of continuing to stare into space.
He locks eyes with me. I see guilt and remorse and sadness and anger. “I feel so terrible, Min.”
“Why?”
“I set the playlist for today.”
I don’t understand. Yeah, Hoseok set the playlist for today, just like he always does, but why would he feel terrible for that? I relay that to him. And he just shakes his head.
“But the song-”
“You didn’t know.” I cut him off, placing my free hand on the side of his face. He turns into it, eyes closing, breath coming out sharply.
“But I did know.” His voice is quiet, too quiet for Hoseok, our sunshine, our light. He looks at me again. “I mean, I didn’t know he’d have a panic attack but I saw the song and I thought, ‘Maybe he might not like this’ and I kept it anyways because some part of me just wanted to know.”
He pulls away from my hand and instead takes it in his own so he can squeeze both my hands tightly. Silence passes as I think about what he just told me. And I understand. I understand why he would want to know, why professionalism overtook his thought for that moment. Knowing something like this, or not knowing it, could affect our careers. God knows how the company would react is Jeongguk had a panic attack on stage. I also understand why he feels terrible. Anyone would after what happened.
“Hoseok,” I smile. “It’s okay.”
“But he had a panic attack.”
“And now we know that he needs more help, and that’s okay,” I reassure, trying to get him to look at me and look at my smile so he knows I mean it. “You’re still our Hobi. He’d understand too.”
Hoseok nods, slowly at first before picking up speed. “Yeah. Yeah, okay,” He takes his hands away and smiles weakly. “Come on, they’re waiting for us.”
He turns to grab for his phone but before he has the chance I grab his arm and whirl him around. I kiss him softly, gently, trying to convey just how not-mad I am. When I pull back his smile seems more genuine.
We pick up the water bottles in silence, placing them against the wall for later use. Then, as quick as possible without straight up sprinting, we make our way to the cars hand-in-hand.
Time to go home for the day.
***
Three weeks later and we’re back on a normal schedule. We get up stupid early, work our asses off, find some time for a quick meal or two, and then pass out way too late into the night.
We get more days off than we used to, though, what with Jeongguk requesting Saturday’s off since that’s when he meets with his new therapist. The company gives us all the day off, generally, with the exception of a few of us for meetings or production time. One of us always goes with Jeongguk to therapy. He says it makes him feel better to know someone is there, waiting for him, ready to take him home when he’s done.
He’s had only one more panic attack since that first one. It happened yesterday, during a meeting with a couple managers. One of them mentioned very vaguely what had happened at the last concert and Jeongguk spiraled. Taehyung handled it beautifully, again. It made us all wonder, I think. Or, at least, it made me wonder exactly how he knew what to do. That’s where we’re at now.
Jeongguk is asleep upstairs. We had a long dance practice today and it exhausted him more then the rest of us, so after dinner he said he was going to go to bed early. No one had the heart to stop him. Namjoon said he would join him in a bit. But now we’re all sitting here, minus Jeongguk, waiting for someone to break the silence on the question we’re all thinking.
Seokjin ends up being the one to do it. “Taehyung,” He seems to try and find the right words for a moment. “How do you know how to handle panic attacks?”
Tae shrugs, leaning slightly to the right so that our shoulders brush. I put my hand on his leg and he puts his hand on top of mine, completely covering it. It makes me smile.
“When we flew back here from the states,” Taehyung starts. “I knew there was a chance that Gukkie might have some struggles. And I wanted to help him. So I looked it up.”
“Looked it up?” Yoongi questions, brows furrowing in that way they do when he’s confused and frustrated about it.
Tae starts nodding. “Yeah, I looked up everything I could about panic attacks, about trauma. What could trigger it, what signs were, how to handle a panic attack, things like that,” He looks down at our hands and intertwines our fingers. “Every week I’d look at those articles again, ended up writing a sort of study guide for myself. I didn’t want to forget.”
“Well,” Hoseok smiles. “I think that just so happens to be one of the sweetest things you could have done.”
Seokjin laughs a bit but otherwise agrees. “Yeah, I think we’re all glad you knew what you were doing.”
“Too bad we don’t.” Namjoon huffs. His eyes are focused on a spot on the wall, it’s how I know he’s way too far in his own head, thinking about things he has no fix for.
“I can send the link to my doc in the group chat, so you guys can study up.” Taehyung chuckles at his own words but doesn’t take them back, moving to grab his phone from his pocket.
A scream sounds from upstairs.
In an instant we’re all on our feet and nearly trampling over each other to get to Jeongguk’s room. My heart is racing. Why did he scream? Is he okay? Did he hurt himself? I end up in the front of our little troop. Despite all our hurry, I’m careful to open the door in a controlled way. What awaits us makes my heart break.
Jeongguk is sitting upright in the bed, sobbing openly and grasping at his shirt as he tries to hug himself. His eyes meet mine and he seems to just sob harder, reaching out for me, for us. I rush towards him, quickly grabbing him and pulling him to my chest. I sit down on the bed and everyone else joins in. Seokjin hugs Jeongguk from behind, Hoseok and Yoongi hold each others hands as they sit and wait for someone to speak, Taehyung waits nearby in case this is a panic attack of sorts, and Namjoon lays his hand on top of Seokjin’s shoulder.
“Baby, Gguk, are you okay?” I whisper, holding him tightly with one arm while the other strokes his hair. He whimpers, he sobs, he tries to speak but it just devolves into a whine. It makes me hold him tighter.
He manages to get out, “I had a nightmare.” In the softest, weakest voice I’ve ever heard from him outside of a panic attack.
Seokjin looks at me over Jeongguk’s shoulder. “Baby, nightmares have never upset you before, not like this.”
“I’ve never had a nightmare like this, I just-” His words get muffled with tears. I squeeze him tighter and look over at Taehyung. I mouth the words, ‘Panic attack?’ And he shakes his head, then doubles back and shrugs a bit.
The sobs continue for a while, not calming down despite us trying to help. Whatever woke him up screaming has definitely shook him up. I’m still not fully convinced this isn’t a panic attack of sorts. The wait for the sobs to subside is agonizing, it makes me feel helpless as I try my best to comfort Gguk and all I get is more tears in response. With all of us crowded around him and trying to comfort him, I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling so helpless.
Eventually the sobs quiet down to mere cries. Tears continue to soak my shirt but it isn’t at the same rate, not even close. Jeongguk raises his head slowly, eyes red and puffy, cheeks stained with tear tracks and bright red marks from lying on my shirt. He raises his hands to scrub the tears away and Jin slowly pulls his hands away before he can scratch himself or irritate his skin. I watch as Seokjin encases Jeongguk’s hands in his own, intertwining fingers and squeezing in a comforting way.
“What happened, baby?” He asks softly, leaning his chin on Jeongguk’s shoulder.
A soft breath comes from the youngest, along with fresh tears. Taehyung reaches across me to wipe them away with his thumbs, his hands almost encasing Jeongguk’s entire face with the sheer size difference. It brings a barely-there smile to my face.
“I had a nightmare.” Jeongguk states again. His voice is hoarse and quiet, completely broken. It makes me want to wrap him in a blanket to keep him safe.
“We know, babe. I think Jin meant, what was the nightmare about?” Hobi adds.
Yoongi quickly rushes in with, “Only if you want to tell us.”
Jeongguk shakes his head in response. “I want to tell you, I just,” He pauses for a moment. “It really scared me.”
“And that’s okay,” Namjoon sidles in beside me to put a hand on Jeongguk’s thigh. “Maybe talking will help shake away the remnants of it.”
Jeongguk is nodding now. Namjoon knows his way around words, knows how to convey something in a way the rest of us can’t. I can practically see the walls coming down as Jeongguk processes Namjoon’s words and intentions.
A part of me doesn't want to hear about Gguk’s nightmare. It’s selfish, it makes me feel guilty and terrible, but I’m afraid that whatever shook him up so bad will do the same to me. I’m afraid that one day I’ll be the one waking up screaming, not Gukkie. And I don’t want that because I’m not the one that was dying. It doesn’t mean that the fateful day didn’t leave a mark on me though. It probably left a mark on all of us.
I can’t think much more because Jeongguk steals my attention away with his soft voice. That soft voice that brings me so much comfort but sounds so weak right now.
He says, “I was back at that night.”
The room immediately gets tenser, darker. I find myself zoning back into those memories as he speaks.
“It was this weird third person experience, out of body like in the movies, y’know?” He takes a breath between each sentence, composing himself before he speaks more. “I was watching myself as they did surgery but this time it didn’t work as well, and I was dying. You were all around me, crying, and it broke my heart.”
For a moment, I wonder if he was watching us on that night. If he heard us crying and saw us singing to him as he lay still on the bed. I can’t tell if the thought comforts or hurts me more.
He continues, “You were begging me to be okay, to stay alive. But my heart kept slowing and I stopped breathing and I just had to watch,” Tears fill his eyes. “I wanted to comfort you guys. I wanted to wake up. I screamed at myself to wake up.”
“Jeongguk…” Yoongi goes to speak but he doesn’t get much out. Jeongguk keeps going.
“I could physically feel myself being pulled away from you guys, from the people I love the most, and it kept getting darker and I kept screaming louder.” A pause. A moment that Jeongguk takes to compose himself a little more, to keep the tears from falling faster. I have to find myself taking a bit of a moment too. The tears are hard to keep back. The thought of losing Jeongguk, even now five months later, is so heart wrenching. I know I’m not the only one that’s cried over it.
Taehyung leans across me, using me as a prop to stay up almost. He cradles Jeongguk’s face in one hand and starts wiping away his tears.
“That’s when you woke up, right?”
Jeongguk hums in a way of confirmation. He doesn’t move to say more so the silence carries on for a minute.
But then it’s a burst of chaos. We all jump forward to hug Jeongguk. Heads are bumped, knees are knocked, arms are tangled, but it doesn’t matter. All I care about, all we care about is comforting our baby. And comforting each other.
“We’ll never lose you.” I mumble, hoping that Jeongguk hears and believes me.
The fresh tears tell me that he at least hears. I squeeze him tighter as a result. Hoseok knocks his head against mine, Taehyung’s weight is a comfort on my back, Yoongi is burying his face in Jin’s neck, Namjoon’s arms are tangled with my own and Seokjin’s hands are still holding on to Gguk’s. And all of us have tears in our eyes.
We’re a mess.
“I don’t think any of us are unscathed from that day, Gukkie.” Namjoon mutters as a sort of reassurance. For some reason, it works to make my heart feel a little lighter.
“I don’t want to take away from your struggles, because none of us can even come close to matching them,” Seokjin speaks loudly enough for us all to hear. “But there are nights I can’t sleep without you beside me, because I’m scared I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”
It’s a statement that makes the room shudder.
“I’ve felt that too,” I say, almost in a whisper. “I’ve had days that I have to just watch you, Gguk, just to make sure you’re still here with us.”
“We should all probably be in therapy, to be honest.” Yoongi chuckles in a dark manner, although he has a valid point.
Jeongguk brings his head up, cheeks red and eyes puffy still. I brush a stray piece of his hair away and he smiles at me. It feels like a hug and a punch to the gut all at once.
He tries to speak, takes a second, and then tries again. “We could go in for a group session next week?”
Taehyung smiles, not the boxy grin we love but the softer smile meant just for us. “That sounds lovely, baby.”
Hoseok nods and leaves an overdramatic smooch on Jeongguk’s forehead. It makes him laugh and that makes us laugh and suddenly things are a little brighter.
Jeongguk is hurting in a way that we all really can’t understand. But these last few weeks have just shown that we all need help still. We’re all struggling. But as long as we have each other, as long as we struggle and fight and recover together, we’ll be okay.
And our baby, our Jeonggukie, the laughing and grinning bunny with tear tracks on his face and red eyes, is the reason I’ll keep going. He’ll always be the reason.