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The first time an overstuffed envelope finds its way into the dorm, Taehyung thinks it's just a normal letter from home for Seokjin. He looks at the return address reading Jin Hyosang, shrugs, and dumps it into Seokjin's lap.
"What's this?" Seokjin asks, looking up from his book.
"Letter from Hyosang, I think," Taehyung says as he continues sorting through the mail.
"Weird, he's never written me a letter before," Seokjin says, confused, as he turns the envelope over a few times. "Why wouldn't he just text me?"
"Probably wanted you to have an actual, physical love letter to show the kids one day," Jungkook offers from across the room.
"Is that why you got something from Jiminnie's dongsaeng?" Taehyung asks, holding up Jungkook's mail.
Jungkook swipes it from his hand, blushing as if he thinks Taehyung actually believes Jungkook is in a long-distance illicit relationship with Park Jimin's brother, rather than a very short-distance (but still illicit) hookup arrangement with Taehyung himself.
"You know I wrote him asking for embarrassing baby photos of Jimin," Jungkook mutters.
Laughing, his back still turned to Seokjin, Taehyung asks, "So what does Hyosang have to say?"
Jungkook cranes his neck around Taehyung's body to see, and his eyes widen. Taehyung turns, mouth already open to say the smart remark his brain hasn't thought up yet, sees Seokjin and the couch (and the coffee table and the floor) covered in glitter, and promptly shuts his mouth.
* :・ﾟ✧
An hour and a half and a new vacuum bag later, the rest of the members spill back into the dorm room talking loudly about dinner plans.
Yoongi is the first to notice the still-upturned couch cushions.
"We leave you alone for two hours to do anything you want and you clean the place?" he asks in disgust. "I can see this from Seokjin, but I expected better of you two."
"Our gift to Hoseok hyung," Taehyung says as Seokjin had instructed. Seokjin had sworn the other two to silence about the envelope full of glitter, a very persuasive bribe of cooking them dinner on their night off next week (and a handwritten contract binding Seokjin to the promise, courtesy of Jungkook) sealing the deal. This worked just fine for Taehyung, who stands up to head into the bathroom and text Hyosang for details about that brilliant envelope now that Seokjin is distracted.
"Thanks Taehyungie," Hoseok smiles happily, ruffling Taehyung's hair as he passes, which makes him feel only the slightest bit guilty about his plans.
* :・ﾟ✧
For the next week, Taehyung spends most of his free time strategizing different ways to deliver the envelopes to his hyungs. His only regret is that Jungkook had been there when Seokjin received the glitter, because imagining his almost-boyfriend covered in glitter and spitting with rage fills him with a glee he can't explain.
At least there's still Jiminnie, he reasons as he tries to decide if Namjoon and Yoongi would be more upset to get glitter in their food or on their audio equipment. He decides their food is safer, if for no other reason than he has enough 500 won coins in his pocket to buy some cup ramyun at 7-Eleven but not enough to replace the soundboard.
His decision to address the envelope to Namjoon rather than Yoongi came mostly from wanting to incriminate Donghuyk as the sender. Nothing against him as a person, really, it's just that Taehyung is 75% sure Bang PD would have let him do Donghyuk's parts in the Cypher Pt. 3 performances if Donghyuk had been busy for the Red Bullet shows in Seoul.
("You say that like he let you do it for any of the shows abroad," Jungkook had muttered the other day as Taehyung logged onto the website Hyosang told him about—"i've been waiting for this message, it's www.shipyourenemiesglitter.com" had come the reply the second Taehyung had slipped into the bathroom to text him—to put in his orders.
"Can you pass me my credit card?" Taehyung had said loudly in response, ignoring him.)
That part of the plan backfires a little when Namjoon looks at the envelope, supposes aloud that Donghyuk would probably mail him anthrax before anything useful, and tosses it aside before diving into his noodles.
"Open it, hyung, maybe he's finally paying you back," Jungkook says as he passes through the kitchen, throwing a bone to Taehyung who is sure he is visibly floundering.
"Or maybe he's finally persuaded his hot cousin to send you her underwear," Yoongi suggests, snickering at how quickly Namjoon grabs for the bulging envelope.
Taehyung turns his back to his hyungs to quickly mime a blowjob at Jungkook in gratitude. Jungkook rolls his eyes and draws a finger across his own neck to signal Taehyung's impending doom before leaving the kitchen. When Taehyung turns around in his seat to face the table, two very angry hyungs are looking back and forth between their suddenly glittery noodles and Taehyung.
* :・ﾟ✧
Taehyung figures he got off easy with only very minor physical damage. He also had to sign the contract for Jin's cooking over to Namjoon and Yoongi ("I can't believe that punk didn't fucking warn us that Taehyung was gonna get an idea like this," Yoongi mutters as Taehyung wonders if a second blowjob will earn him Jungkook's forgiveness for losing their dinner) and he was saddled with both of their chores for the next month, starting immediately with wiping down the kitchen, but he was expecting worse.
It's with a light heart, then, that Taehyung starts planning out the attack on Jimin. Between the struggles of who to put as the sender and how to maximize chaos, Taehyung almost gives up and decides just to dump the envelope on Jimin the next time he sees him.
"Oh my god no," he says to himself as the most beautiful idea is placed in his head with delicate hands by the universe itself.
He doesn't have to wait long to enact his plan, banging on the locked bathroom door later that night and wailing about having to use the toilet.
"Hold on, I'm almost done," Jimin yells from inside over sound of the running shower.
"JIMIN LET ME IN," Taehyung begs convincingly.
"Piss in the sink, piss in a bottle, piss the fuck off," Jimin says.
"JIMINNIE PLEASE," Taehyung tries again.
Nothing.
"PLEASE, JIMINNIE HYUNG, LET ME IN," he adds, stressing the honorific.
Still nothing, but he waits patiently. He's rewarded with the quiet click of the lock being undone. He politely waits a beat for Jimin to climb back into the shower and then steps into the bathroom. He makes a split-second decision to actually pee, reasoning that the bathroom probably won't be safe for a while, and then he yanks open the curtain and rips open the envelope.
This is met with ten seconds of shocked silence as Jimin looks down at the glitter clinging to his wet body and swirling around the drain at his feet. Then he looks up and Taehyung runs.
* :・ﾟ✧
In the end, Taehyung never uses the last envelope of glitter on Hoseok. If asked, he would have said it was out of deep value for their friendship and great respect for his hyung, but the truth is he forgot a part of Namjoon's chores was cleaning the bathroom. Hoseok had joined the rest of the members in the doorway to laugh as they watched Taehyung cleaning up the glittery mess, ruining any chance of surprising Hoseok that Taehyung had left.
"You better not have been planning to try this on me," Hoseok had threatened with a wide smile after the others had left to help Seokjin make dinner for everyone except Taehyung. That Jungkook was still going to get fed despite his role as quiet accomplice was something Taehyung neither understood nor supported.
So Taehyung is left hungry and frowning and sitting on his bed with one last envelope and no one to cover in glitter.
"No one except…" Taehyung says in a near whisper as the universe gifts him with another beautiful idea.
"What the fuck," Jimin says from the other side of the room at the sudden cloud of glitter.
"I have a lot of regrets," Taehyung states, staring at the glitter all over his blankets.
"Yeah, I'd say—" Jimin starts.
"And this is definitely not one of them," Taehyung finishes.
* :・ﾟ✧
Later that night, Jungkook is on his knees to pay Taehyung back for the two payback blowjobs he just received. Taehyung really enjoys this reimbursement system. He really, really enjoys it, he thinks as he curls his fingers into Jungkook's hair and Jungkook's hot breath ghosts over his crotch. Jungkook pulls down Taehyung's underwear, Taehyung closes his eyes, and—
"Taehyung, there is glitter in your pubes," Jungkook says flatly.
"That makes sense," Taehyung replies reasonably.
"Why. Why does that make sense, Taehyung," Jungkook says in the same toneless voice, as if he can't already guess that Taehyung rolled around naked in the contents of the last glitter envelope. Suddenly, the freshly washed bedclothes also make sense.
"As an aside, can you add drain cleaner to the list of shopping I'm doing for Yoongi? Between me and Jimin, that really was a lot of glitter."
Jungkook stands up and leaves.
"Was it something I said?" Taehyung calls after him, looking down regretfully at his state of undress.
"Probably," comes Jimin's muffled voice from the other side of the door.