Archive of Our Own

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Predictably, Naruto headed straight for the garden.

Sasuke stood in the doorway leading to the kitchen and watched him touch every single sunflower and every single daisy planted there.

He clenched his fists. It was hard to read him now. Naruto used to be so easy to read, at least for Sasuke, but now, now it was like the person in front of him was a complete stranger. He remembered what Yumisa had said, about how he’ll act differently, at least for a while, but seeing it now, it was like all the joy Sasuke had felt when he saw Naruto in the yard of the hospital had evaporated, leaving a bitter aftertaste.

He didn’t want Naruto to change.

‘Do you like it?’ he asked, desperate for a semblance of normality.

Naruto only nodded, and Sasuke closed his eyes, breathing deep.

He hadn’t said one thing since they left Shikamaru and Sakura.

Sasuke was trying to give him time, and was counting as a success the fact that Naruto had yet to express any desire to leave or have Sasuke leave.

On the other hand, Naruto had yet to express any desire whatsoever.

Shikamaru had told Sasuke about a meeting with Yumisa next morning, to go through the medication plan and to schedule the next few therapy sessions. He told him that while Naruto was busy hugging Sakura, so Sasuke wasn’t sure if the blond was aware of what was coming.

He opened his eyes to find Naruto already watching him, face, once again, unreadable.

‘I’m tired,’ he said, and Sasuke ignored the way his heart clenched and only nodded, holding out his hand.

He guided Naruto up the stairs, and into the corridor. Then he stopped.

He opened his mouth a couple of times, no words coming out. He heard Sakura’s voice in the back of his head, telling him ‘be honest, always ask him what he wants, put all his options very clearly in front of him’.

Naruto was looking at the walls, seemingly undisturbed by them stopping in the middle of the hallway, and it rubbed Sasuke wrong, the way he wasn’t impatient anymore, demanding to know where they are going and why they had stopped and why did Sasuke pick that color for the wallpaper (he hadn’t, Ino had).

He cleared his throat. Naruto didn’t look at him.

‘Do you want to sleep alone,’ he started, keeping his voice a mere whisper, scared of the answer but terrified of pushing Naruto into anything he wasn’t ready for, ‘or with me?’

Naruto’s hand went slack around his, and Sasuke forced his body not to react, forced his lungs to keep working.

When Naruto turned to face him, his face showed emotion Sasuke could read, and so did his teary eyes. He immediately wanted the blankness back, but he knew (was told) that showing emotion and being vulnerable was important. He kept his face neutral, the way he had practiced for the past month, eyes soft and understanding, without showing pity or impatience.

Naruto’s voice wavered when he answered in the same whisper, ‘With you, please.’

Sasuke ignored the weight that had lifted off his heart and he nodded, pulling Naruto gently towards his room.

The sun had almost disappeared from the sky, so he had to turn on the light.

Naruto tightened his grip around his hand, as if Sasuke had planned for even one second to let him go.

He saw the blonde’s eyes take in the room as soon as the light was on. The room was big, bigger than even Sasuke’s old one, from before he joined Orochimaru, and simple. A huge bed, because Sasuke, even while drowning in the pain and loneliness of the first days of Naruto’s isolation, did consider that maybe upon his return, Naruto might want company, but not to be touched. A single wardrobe, but with separate sections. Both a tub and a shower, double sinks. Ino called it terribly domestic. Sasuke just wanted Naruto to feel comfortable.

‘Is that Gama-chan?’ came Naruto’s voice from his side, and Sasuke’s eyes flew to the flash of green on top the nightstand nearer the window, the side of the bed which he had unofficially, in his own mind, called Naruto’s.

Sasuke was nodding before he knew it. ‘It still has all your money in it.’

He felt Naruto’s head drop on his shoulder and the hand that wasn’t desperately gripping his own snake around his waist, fisting his shirt. He placed his own around the other’s back, trying to look through the blonde strands of hair to catch a glimpse of Naruto’s face, the familiar sentiment of panic taking over again.

Naruto just sighed, lips pressing a soft kiss on top of Sasuke’s shirt, mumbling a ‘Thank you.’

Sasuke let go of his hand so he could hug him properly, hiding his face in his hair. ‘You have nothing to thank me for. Let’s get you ready for bed.’

He felt Naruto’s hands tighten around him. ‘Let’s just lay down like this.’

Sasuke could only nod and walk to the bed, laying down and dragging Naruto after him, who wasted no time in burrowing himself into Sasuke’s chest, just like that last night spent in the hospital.

He pulled Naruto even closer, stroking his hair, his other hand laying right next to where Naruto’s own was still clenched around the material of his shirt, and tried not to think of all the bad things that had happened, of all that were to come.

After a couple of minutes, Naruto’s voice broke the silence, small. ‘Will you be here when I wake up?’

Sasuke was quite certain the way his heart broke was audible. Tears pooled in his eyes, and it was taking so much of him to keep them in.

Then he, once again, remembered.

(The power of example, Uchiha-san. Show him that being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. Show him that his insecurities aren’t absurd, hear them, address them every time, daily, if you have to. He’ll believe you’ll leave, and not only because of precedents, although those do not help either, but because he’ll believe he’s not worth staying for. Convince him he is, through any means necessary. He won’t heal unless he wants to. Give him something to fight for.)

He pulled Naruto up with him, his hands finding his face and turning him to look Sasuke in the eye. He let the tears fall.

‘Look at me,’ he almost begged, voice wrecked.

Naruto eventually did, and his eyes widened immediately.

‘You –‘

‘I’m not leaving. Ever. Never again. So I’ll be here, even if the world burns down around us.’

Naruto’s fingers found his face, tracing it softly, barely touching.

‘You’re crying.’ He sounded incredulous.

Sasuke closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Naruto’s.

‘Of course I’m crying,’ he said in a whisper, not even trying to hide how he felt any longer. He took the hand Naruto still had by his face and placed it on top of his heart, hoping, maybe, he’d see the way Sasuke lived only for him, and no one else. The way his heart beat in tandem with his, the way Sasuke wanted him, and no one else.

He recalled with perfect clarity the desperation he had felt the moment he had walked through the door of Naruto’s hospital bed, months ago, to find him unresponsive, the horrible thoughts that had gone through his mind.

He recalled an evening, some weeks back, when Sakura held his hand on the porch of his newly bought house, and made him promise to waste no more time.

‘I – ,’ he began, voice shaking, sitting up straighter and opening his eyes to stare into the seemingly endless pools of sky-blue that had been haunting both his dreams and his nightmares ever since he could remember, ‘love you.’

Naruto was transfixed, not even breathing.

‘And I know,’ he continued, caressing both the hand he was clutching to his chest, and the skin his fingers grazed on Naruto’s neck, ‘you don’t believe me, so I’ll keep reminding you until you do. It took me so long to realize, but you are the one thing that makes this wretched life worth living.’

Tears were falling down his cheeks, wetting his shirt, and he let them fall, keeping Naruto’s gaze. ‘I will never leave you again. I swear it. On my mother’s grave.’

Naruto flinched, pressing a finger to Sasuke’s lips. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘It’s true.’

He let the silence engulf them, still looking into Naruto’s eyes, still holding his hand, the prosthetic one, where the tattoo used to be, with his own fake one.

Naruto broke the silence once again. ‘You love me?’

Sasuke turned his hand around, so that their palms would press against one another, watching Naruto’s eyes fall to them, knowing he was thinking the very same thing Sasuke himself was. The universe made them for one another. There was no other way. Sasuke didn’t want it to be.

‘With all my heart. It might not mean a lot, but –‘

‘It does,’ Naruto interrupted, voice steady for the first time. He looked back up. ‘Me too.’

Sasuke felt a smile pull at the corner of his mouth, before Naruto continued, ‘I wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved, but I’m –‘

‘Don’t. Stop. You’re not.’

‘You don’t know what I was going to say.’

‘There are a lot of words I would use to describe you. None of them were about to pass your lips.’ He did smile this time. ‘You’re Naruto. The hope of this world, the best it has ever given.’

‘I don’t think I can be that anymore, Sasuke.’

It was the first time Sasuke heard his name out of Naruto’s mouth in so long, he forgot the conversation for a second, letting the sound slide through his very soul.

‘Then you don’t have to be,’ he settled on saying.

Naruto was looking down again, but at nothing in particular. ‘Then what am I?’ he asked.

Sasuke didn’t hesitate. ‘Yourself. Mine.’

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Naruto’s hand was slack in his as they were waiting for Yumisa to pass through the double doors. Sasuke noticed the way he was looking at the wall, but without really seeing it.

Neither of them had slept.

They laid in bed for hours upon hours after their conversation, both of them too exhausted to say anything else. When the sun rose, Sasuke simply let his hand wander to Naruto’s back and shook him lightly, reminding him it’s time to get up.

They hadn’t spoken since last night either.

And now, Naruto’s hand was slack in his.

Sasuke almost jumped out of his skin when the doors did open to reveal the short woman. He had half expected to see the Godaime or Sakura with her, but she was alone.

Naruto was still looking at the wall.

‘Good morning, you two, I hope you had a peaceful sleep.’

There was something in her voice, something that made Sasuke believe the question had a goal.

She only met his eyes when she sat down across from them, in a mockery of that first meeting with him and Sakura.

Naruto’s eyes were still glued to the wall, and Sasuke used all the will he had not to sigh or clench his fist.

‘Well,’ Yumisa continued after not having received any answer, ‘I see both of you are in a good mood today.’

Silence.

She sighed and turned towards the papers in her lap.

‘Uchiha-san.’

‘Yes,’ he answered automatically, head snapping up.

‘You will be receiving a week’s worth of Naruto’s medicine, and after it’s over, you’ll be coming here for a new prescription.’

She leaned over to a table and picked up a plastic bag, zipped up at the top, full of little bottles in different colors. Sasuke’s throat went dry.

‘I won’t bore you with technical names, you’ll learn them on your own soon enough. Now, listen carefully. Naruto’s treatment consists of three different substances.’ She held up three bottles, two in one hand and one in the other. ‘Antidepressants,’ she continued, waving the hand with the two bottles, and Sasuke nodded without realizing. ‘And antipsychotics,’ she said, waving the other hand.

His eyes widened, but before he could verbalize his question, Yumisa started talking again, taking another bottle out, ‘Next we have the mood stabilizers, which are just as important. And finally, the medication for the side effects. While he was here, Naruto had been hooked up to a continuous drip of such medication, much more potent, in order to ease him into it, but now that he’s out, pills it will have to be.’

Yumisa was holding three bottles in her hand.

‘White for nightmares, clear one for muscle pains, the one with the red cap for insomnia,’ Sasuke said, gesturing to each.

Yumisa seemed surprised, as if those had not been the same bottles haunting his every second for the past month.

‘Well, yes. He should only take them as needed, but for the first week, let’s start with one a day each. As for the medication, the antidepressants in the morning, after breakfast, alongside the mood stabilizer, and antipsychotics at night, right before going to bed, one pill every day.’

Sasuke was nodding along, memorizing the bottles and knowing the first thing he’d do once he got home was writing it all down, even if he was sure he’d never forget this if he wanted.

Naruto was still looking at the wall when Yumisa turned to him. It was a weird change of pace, seeing how she looked at him. Yumisa was watching him in a detached way, as if nothing had changed, as if they were here, in the hospital, for tea or something, and his presence was completely unimportant, indifferent to her.

It made Sasuke’s blood turn cold, because he saw a resemblance between the way Yumisa looked at Naruto now, and the way Sasuke used to before the war.

And yet, Naruto not only did not seem bothered, but he seemed to not care enough to even look back at her.

They stood like this for a few seconds, the blankness on Yumisa’s face making Sasuke uncomfortable.

‘I was thinking maybe we should meet every other day for the first couple of weeks, starting tomorrow,’ she said in the end, voice emotionless.

At first, Sasuke thought Naruto hadn’t been listening, but then the blond snorted, an ugly sound that Sasuke had never heard from him before.

‘You might as well keep me here, then,’ Naruto said, still looking at the wall.

Sasuke didn’t flinch, but it was a close thing. He fought to keep his hand slack.

‘Is that what you think we’re doing?’

Naruto stood up, letting go of Sasuke’s hand. He hadn’t been able to see the blonde’s face while he had been turned towards the wall, but now that he could, Sasuke almost wished he couldn’t.

There was an expression he had seen multiple times before, reflected back in rivers and windows and other people’s eyes. It was an expression he was familiar with.

Naruto, for him, and he thought for many other people, had always been like the sun. He was the light at the end of the tunnel, the feeling of the sun’s rays softly caressing your skin during spring days, the smell of blooming flowers on the fields, the sound of twinkling water running slowly from a waterfall, of singing birds in the distance.

Naruto was warm, welcoming, soothing.

He felt like coming home, a feeling Sasuke never thought he’d get again.

But right there, looking at Yumisa, he didn’t seem like Naruto.

He had his face, his voice, his body. He had the same blue eyes.

But they were cold. Naruto had his hands in his pockets, and his jaw was set, but not in determination, like it usually was, but in anger.

His face showed no emotion, and his eyes were cold.

Sasuke couldn’t look away, even though the sight was making his throat dry and fear spread through his body.

This was all wrong.

‘That’s not why we came here,’ Naruto said, and even his voice was cold.

Yumisa didn’t react.

‘We’re leaving.’

Naruto grabbed Sasuke’s hand again and started dragging him towards the door. He barely had time to grab the bag of drugs, and he suddenly was struck with the realization that that was exactly the reason Yumisa had put the bottles back in after showing them to him.

They were almost out of the hospital when Sasuke got himself together enough to stop.

‘Wait,’ he said, pulling back on Naruto’s hand.

The blonde stopped, and when he looked back at Sasuke, he had expected to see the same coldness from before, but Naruto just looked tired.

He looked like he had the night before, crying softly on Sasuke’s (their) bed.

‘I know,’ he said, rubbing his forehead and taking one step closer to Sasuke. ‘She just wants to help. But I just – ‘

He stopped, and then looked right into Sasuke’s eyes, and Sasuke just dragged him closer, ignoring the looks of the two nurses stationed at a nearby table.

Naruto let his head drop on his shoulder. ‘She makes me feel like nothing’s real anymore,’ he admitted in the end, in a whisper. ‘I feel like nothing I knew exists anymore. Like I never existed to begin with.’

Sasuke remained silent, swallowing around the dryness of his throat, and simply clutched Naruto’s hand tighter, using his other hand to pull him even closer, as if he could just hide him inside his chest, where no one could ever hurt him again.

Naruto’s hand was clutching at his shirt, like a child would, and Sasuke’s heart was breaking over and over again every day, seeing the difference, the way Naruto turned from the loudest, in-your-face, obnoxious brat, to this silent boy, lost and scared.

It was a view Sasuke hadn’t seen in years, ever since Academy, when he’d watch Naruto in that swing when no one else was there.

He wanted to tell him that what he knew was still here. His friends were still here, all of them waiting in a line to see him.  His sensei was still here, watching from window sills, a sentinel guarding over his team, as he had always done. Sakura was still here, even the other teammate Sasuke couldn’t stand was still here, fake smiles and all.

And Sasuke.

Sasuke hadn’t been here, not before, but he was now, and he’d try, every day, to make up for lost time and heartaches and betrayals and hands through his chest. Every day.

But he wasn’t sure how to phrase it, how to not sound as if he was invalidating Naruto’s feelings.

So he just held him, close to his body, and kissed his temple, wishing to somehow let him know that it would, eventually, all be okay.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Naruto didn’t eat much when they got home, only playing with the food for ten minutes while glaring at the pills Sasuke had wordlessly placed by his glass of water, before taking them and then announcing he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

Sasuke only nodded, and tried not to offer to walk him up the stairs. Instead, he watched him until he couldn’t see him anymore, and then let his head drop and body lean against the counter.

He busied himself with doing dishes that were already done and wiping the counter three times before there was a knock on the door, saving him from the hell that was his mind.

Sakura was on the other side, fidgeting and looking more anxious than Sasuke had seen her since before he made the biggest mistake of his life and left for Orochimaru’s.

He stepped outside, closed the door behind him. ‘Naruto’s sleeping,’ he offered.

She nodded and they sat down on the porch, a cheap imitation of the first few nights after Sasuke had bought the house.

‘How is he?’ she asked after a few moments of silence, playing with a strand from her shorts and looking down.

The ‘fine’ was sitting on Sasuke’s tongue, and he almost let it out before realizing it would be the lie of the century.

‘I don’t know,’ he settled on.

There was a sigh coming from beside him, and Sakura was suddenly standing up, wiping discretely at her eyes. ‘Send for me when he wants and feels ready to see me, will you?’ she asked.

‘Of course.’

She hesitated. ‘I’ll keep everyone away as much as I can, but people know he’s back in the village.’

There were a million threats Sasuke could have made. Let them come, I’ll kill all of them, I’ll burn this village to the ground if they even think of pushing any sort of responsibility on him, if they even attempt to suggest he should be helping more, getting involved.

He nodded instead. ‘Thank you.’

Sakura started walking, and was almost at the gate, the stupid white fence Ino had been giving Sasuke hell for when she stopped and looked over her shoulder. He was still sitting on the porch, feeling smaller than he was.

Sakura smiled. ‘You’re doing really good, Sasuke. I’m proud of you.’

She didn’t stick around to notice the air getting stuck in his throat, the quickening of his heartbeat, the widening of his eyes.

He didn’t feel like he was doing good. He felt like he was failing. He felt it more acutely than he had felt it when he was chasing Itachi. Back then, everything was painted red by anger, blind debilitating anger that left the taste of ash in his mouth and determination flowing through his veins. Failing now meant helplessness and regret, regret so ferocious that it made him dizzy.

He half wished everyone was mad, maybe then he’d feel less guilty about everything.

He half wished Naruto hated him, didn’t want anything to do with him. He wished he didn’t feel better seeing how the blonde rejected everyone but him, the way he seemed to search for Sasuke’s presence. It was the only thing that hadn’t changed, and Sasuke half wished it had.

He also wished Naruto kept looking at him and only him and never anyone else, and he let the waves of guilt wash over him as he thought that.

When the feeling settled deep within his chest, he breathed in deeply and pushed himself to his feet, opening the door and stepping back inside the silent house.

He had half a second when he considered returning to the kitchen before he was climbing the stairs to check on Naruto.

The door to the bedroom was slightly open, and the bed was visible through the crack.

The empty, still made bed.

Sasuke pushed the door completely open. Naruto was in front of the bathroom, seemingly in a staring contest with the door.

Sasuke struggled to find the right words. Is everything alright seemed superficial, and do you need help sounded presumptuous.

Are you okay was plain stupid.

Naruto saved him from attempting to start the conversation.

‘I, um, I wanted to take a shower.’

Sasuke stepped closer. ‘Okay.’

Naruto breathed in, still staring at the closed door, eyebrows furrowed. ‘But I have a problem.’

This was good, something in Sasuke’s brain was saying. Him admitting to having a problem was most likely something Sakura would call a breakthrough. He stepped even closer, now standing less than a meter away from Naruto, waiting.

Naruto’s hand came up to scratch at his forehead, frustration clear on his face. ‘It’s stupid.’

Sasuke reached out for his other hand, trying not to bask in the way Naruto’s automatically clenched around his.

‘It’s not,’ he said. ‘Tell me.’

Naruto turned towards him suddenly, and his head tucked right back in Sasuke’s shoulder, the very same spot it had that morning, and the night before. Sasuke noticed it seemed easier for Naruto to speak while his face wasn’t visible.

‘I don’t know if it’s a mirror in there.’

‘Would there be a problem if it were?’

‘No!’ Naruto’s voice was strong there, but not believable. He sounded as if he wanted to convince himself.

Sasuke brought his other hand to run through the blonde’s hair. ‘I can take it down.’

‘But you shouldn’t have to.’

‘I don’t mind.’

‘It’s stupid.’

It sounded different this time than the last time he said it, as if what he truly wanted to say was I’m stupid, and Sasuke had partaken in that activity too long to stand for it any longer.

‘Explain it to me.’

Naruto sighed in his chest. ‘There were no mirrors in the hospital. Yumisa had them all taken down.’

He doesn’t know what he looks like anymore, Sasuke’s mind offered, in a voice terrifyingly similar to Ino’s. He’s scared to find out.

‘I could take them all down, too,’ he said, and before Naruto could respond, ‘or I could come in with you.’

Naruto started nodding before Sasuke had enough time to finish his sentence, and then moved towards the door while still keeping his head on Sasuke’s shoulder.

Sasuke pushed the door open. Naruto’s eyes closed.

They walked in slowly, quietly, and Sasuke moved them so that he was standing right behind Naruto, both hands on the blonde’s arms, Naruto facing the mirror, head down. Sasuke let his chin fall on  Naruto’s shoulder, and waited. Eventually, he saw in the mirror how the blonde’s eyes cracked open, and held his breath.

Naruto didn’t look up, but a smile broke out on his face and suddenly he was meeting Sasuke’s eyes in the mirror, full-out grin on his face.

And Sasuke was gone. This was the smile, the smile that screamed Naruto, that made life better even in dark caves in Sound. He hadn’t seen it in so long, but now that he was once again faced with it he had to ask himself how could he dare begin to forget how it was, how pure and blinding.

How like the sun.

He almost missed Naruto starting speaking. ‘It’s a double sink,’ he said, voice light, almost teasing. ‘That’s disgustingly domestic of you, teme.’

Sasuke looked back at Naruto in awe, in wonder, and he was curious just how clear it was on his face at that moment how desperately in love he was with the idiot in his arms. He buried his burning face in the crook of Naruto’s shoulder, and when he heard the laugh ring out from in front of him, he let the biggest smile take over his face, pressing kisses on Naruto’s skin. 

The laughter stopped, and Sasuke’s smile froze on his face. 

Naruto was not looking at him anymore, but at his own reflection. 

Objectively, Naruto had looked better. The best Sasuke had ever seen Naruto look was right after those years, when they met at Orochimaru’s hideout. He had been a scrawny kid, the effect of what Sasuke now knew had been malnourishment, and after that the constant fight of the past two years had taken its toll, and by the end of the war, besides the life-threatening injuries Sasuke himself had caused him, Naruto had looked worse for the wear. When Sasuke had left for the mission in Water, there had been signs that he had been too blind to notice, signs that should have made him realise that something was wrong with Naruto. 

He was still way too thin, had lost muscle that Sasuke clearly remembered feeling under his hands during their last battle. His skin, for the first time since Sasuke knew him, had lost its golden color, becoming paler, and there in the bathroom light, even more so. There were bags under his eyes, not as dark as a couple of months ago, but still present. 

Naruto seemed to shine duller than usual, jaded around the edges, shaky but without actually shaking, as if he wasn’t sure how to fit in his own body anymore. 

He kissed the skin on Naruto’s exposed shoulder once more. ‘You’re beautiful,’ he said, because it was true.

Naruto had always been easy on the eye, especially in the recent years, with a body kept fit by constant training, the fatal combination of blonde hair, blue eyes and the most brilliant smile in all the elemental nations. But his beauty came from other things. It came from his loyalty, his ambition and determination, his refusal to ever give up, his ability to see the best in people, to give second and third and hundredth chances like people gave ‘hello’s down the street, the way he so effortlessly mastered so many difficult things. 

So how could Sasuke, who had been so obsessed with the way Naruto was so good at such hard things, not be completely whipped now, when Naruto was fighting what was probably the fight of his life? How could he not look at him and think he’s gorgeous? 

Naruto grimaced. ’Not really, not right now,’ he said.

‘I always think you’re beautiful.’

Naruto sighed and turned around in Sasuke’s arms. His mouth was downturned and his eyes were sad, sadder than Sasuke ever wanted them to be.

‘Don’t lie to me to make me feel better.’

He was standing there in the bathroom, the morning light coming through the open door, with Naruto in his arms, trying to think of a single thing he could say that would make the blonde believe him.

‘I’m not,’ he settled on, even though it was weak.

Naruto’s forehead fell against his, and they passed the next few moments in silence. Sasuke let Naruto pull away first.

The blonde turned towards the shower, not looking back to the mirror. Sasuke saw his hands clench.

‘Can you stay here?’ he asked in the end, voice barely above a whisper.

Sasuke agreed before the request truly registered in his mind, and before he could collect his wits, Naruto’s shirt was hitting the floor, and Sasuke was left staring at the naked flesh of the blonde’s back.

He instantly shut his eyes, maybe tighter than was necessary.

It was hard to explain, how he wanted so desperately not only to watch, but to touch, to kiss and caress and do things he had only done as a means to an end before, but he didn’t want it like this.

He wanted Naruto to want it, and not because he was under false impressions Sasuke was expecting anything, or because he felt as if he had something to prove.

He wanted Naruto happy and content and dizzy with pleasure, the glint of challenge gone from his eyes and limbs heavy, lied down on their bed, not with the glance of squared shoulders Sasuke had time to witness before closing his eyes.

He also wanted to give Naruto time, and now for the first time he was put in front of the idea that maybe Naruto would not be wanting to give himself time. Sasuke had been forced to accept that there was a number of people (bigger than he was comfortable with) that knew Naruto better than he did, but he still knew him, and he knew that Naruto was the kind of person that would treat this (illness) as a physical, tangible enemy, and instead of going the hard long way and healing, he’d try to fight it, to prove he was still unbeatable, still unwilling to ever give up. Naruto had always thrown himself at problems and hoped he’ll figure it out before impact, but that wouldn’t go now.

There was no tangible enemy. No fight to be had.

Only Naruto and what Sasuke guessed was frustration. With the world, with himself.

He heard the pants follow the path of the shirt, and he debated turning around, but given Naruto’s reaction when seeing himself in the mirror earlier, Sasuke couldn’t risk triggering him.

The door to the shower opened, and Naruto hesitated in front of it. Without turning back, he asked ‘Come in with me?’

Sasuke breathed in and tried to think of anything but the clear invitation in Naruto’s voice, the knowledge that he was naked, a few meters away from Sasuke’s own body, the way he’d react when Sasuke inevitably said no.

(People have coping mechanisms, Sasuke-san. Some of them are good, some of them are less good. Another important thing you need to learn is how to differentiate between the two, because they can appear very much alike. Contrary to popular belief, anger is a very normal one. If he wants to be angry, let him be angry. He’ll need an outlet, and in the first few weeks, he might feel suffocated by all the changes, so he’ll turn to the easiest and most accessible mechanism. He’ll be angry, vent, throw things in your face, both literally and figuratively. Let him.)

But.

(People feel helpless, useless, hopeless, and some of them deal with that logically, by actively doing something to change it. From what I know about him, he sounds like the kind to offer help in any way, blatantly or subtly, not because he thinks you need it, but because he wants to feel like he is contributing with even the smallest thing. It can be anything from help in the house to offering to brush your hair or similar things. He’ll ask because he will want to say thank you and words might still be hard to reach, or because he wants to feel or be seen as less of a burden. As long as it is not in his direct immediate detriment, let him.)

Sasuke walked until there was only a hair of air separating them, and he heard Naruto’s intake of air.

‘Close your eyes,’ he whispered, and then started pulling at his own clothes, miming a calm he didn’t feel.

When he was naked, he reached out a hand, the real one, until the tips of his fingers barely grazed Naruto’s spine, enough to feel the shiver wrecking the other’s body.

‘You can come closer,’ the blonde breathed out, voice something out of Sasuke’s dreams.

He let this hand press against Naruto’s back fully, and then trailed it down to the small of his back, teasing the curve of his ass, before bringing it up to the shoulder, then down his arm, settling on his wrist.

He wanted to open his eyes so badly, to see the skin he was touching, to let the cursed Sharingan memorize every centimeter of Naruto’s body, every dip and crook, until all the blood and pain and grief Sasuke had witnessed in his life faded away and was replaced by warm feelings and sunshine.

Instead, he took that last step closer until his chest came into full contact with Naruto’s back, biting off the gasp.

Naruto’s knees buckled, and suddenly Sasuke found both his arms around the blonde’s waist, resting on his stomach.

‘Are you alright?’ he asked, coming off a bit panicked.

‘You just surprised me,’ Naruto answered, and Sasuke wished now more than ever to open his eyes, because his voice sounded wrecked, and a very dark part in Sasuke’s brain couldn’t help, no matter how it filled him with guilt and self-loathing, but think that Naruto was responsive, so responsive, and sensitive, and it was probably the Kyuubi, but how would he react, if Sasuke really took his time, and pushed him to the very limit only to bring him back again, how would he move and how would he sound if Sasuke really tried to ruin him, he’ll ruin him and keep him safe and happy and —

‘Okay.’

The same dark side of Sasuke’s mind was aware that only years of practicing and taking self-control to a whole new level kept him soft against Naruto’s ass.

Naruto took one of the hands Sasuke had lying on his stomach, turned around and pulled Sasuke into the shower all in one movement.

He was still a shinobi. On a break and without having had any training in months, but still the strongest shinobi alive.

Sasuke pushed the door closed behind him, and then brought his hand right back to Naruto’s waist. It was as if now that his hands had felt Naruto’s bare skin beneath them, the only way to separate them was to cut them off.

‘Are your eyes still closed?’ Naruto muttered.

‘Yes.’

Sasuke felt a shaking hand being placed on his shoulder, questioning. He nodded without realizing, even though Naruto couldn’t see. The hand slowly fell lower, down his chest, one finger gently grazing his nipple, and Sasuke knew he was trembling from every joint, clutching at Naruto’s waist, trying to hold back from touching more than he already was.

Naruto’s hand was going through the hair on Sasuke’s lower belly when it suddenly disappeared and Sasuke’s arms were full of Naruto, who hid his smiling face right in Sasuke’s shoulder.

He held him tight, and reached blindly to turn on the water.

They both jumped when it hit them from above, cold. They washed themselves, trading gentle brushes of fingers, without even once opening their eyes.

Sasuke got out first, still holding Naruto’s hand, dragging him after him, opening the cabinet and handing him the biggest towel he could find.

Then he cupped Naruto’s face and gently (so gently) let their lips brush, then more, then swallowing Naruto’s giggle and letting his own smile show. The blonde was running his fingers through Sasuke’s wet hair, opening his mouth up for him, perfectly content, and Sasuke’s heart grew in his chest.

He stepped away, pecking him once, twice, before saying, ‘Stay here, I’ll go get dressed and bring you some clothes.’

A hand stopped him before he could leave.

‘Of yours.’

Naruto let go.

And if Sasuke’s heart was wild in his chest, and the sun was almost too blinding when he stepped out of the bathroom, and his face hurt from his smile, well, maybe he didn’t exactly deserve it, but he sure as hell planned to cherish it to the fullest.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Naruto didn’t seem to be tired after getting dressed, and went out to the garden with Sasuke, which is how Sasuke now found himself sitting on the back porch, after lunch, watching Naruto speak to the flowers planted in their garden, heart still beating wildly in his chest at the sight of the Uchiha crest on the blonde’s back.

And maybe Naruto hadn’t laughed since that morning, and maybe his smiles were dimmed, fewer, farther apart, but it was a start.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

They kissed each other to sleep that night, and when Sasuke gave Naruto the stack of pills he had to take, the blonde didn’t even look twice.

The next morning, Sasuke woke up to the rays of sun stabbing at his eyelids, and then proceeded to kiss Naruto into wakefulness, eating every small happy sound the blonde made.

They ate in comfortable silence, and Naruto took his pills, and then the atmosphere started getting chilly. They had to go to the hospital, for the therapy, and if Sasuke didn’t like the idea, Naruto liked it even less, judging after his face. He was playing with the sleeve to his (Sasuke’s) shirt, not looking up.

Sasuke was counting his blessings and picking his battles. Naruto had yet to throw Sasuke out even once, he had eaten at least a few bites at every meal, had taken his meds without complaint, showered, slept, got out of bed.

But he also had to go to therapy.

A sigh came from the table, and Sasuke turned away from the dishes to look at Naruto.

The blonde raised his head and made eye contact with Sasuke, and Sasuke instantly hated the question he could see in his eyes.

He mentally prepared himself for the first argument, when Naruto, in typical Naruto style ( why was he even trying at this point), shattered all his expectations and threw them out of the window.

‘You can say no, of course, but,’ Naruto hesitated, looking back at the sleeve he was playing with. He breathed in, and raised his head again. ‘Do you think that I could wear one of your shirts today too?’

Sasuke was pretty sure his mouth fell open.

Naruto’s head fell back down and his shoulders crunched and Sasuke teleported himself to his side, lifting his head with a hand.

‘You don’t have to ask,’ he began, looking down into incandescent blue. ‘The answer is always yes.’

‘But it’s your family’s crest.’

Sasuke’s heart hadn’t slowed down from the moment Naruto had stepped out of the bathroom the day before, fitting into Sasuke’s clothes like he was meant to be there, with the Uchiha fan on his back, and Sasuke hadn’t been able to stop thinking about things that it was way too early to be thinking about, but now, when he heard Naruto say that, his heartbeat quickened even more if possible.

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Sasuke, stop saying that, of course it matters, it’s your —‘

He pulled Naruto up by his arms, pushed him against the table and kissed him, trying, trying, trying to keep himself in check.

‘I’ll take all your clothes and sew that blasted crest into all of them if that’s what you want,’ he grunted when they separated, both of them breathing quickly.

‘All of them?’

Naruto’s eyes seemed bigger up close, and in hindsight, thinking he could stand a chance in front of the vulnerably in them was idiotic of Sasuke to do.

‘I’ll make you a fucking Uchiha if you’ll have it,’ he muttered, watching Naruto’s eyes widen.

‘Don’t say things like that unless you mean it.’

He kissed Naruto again. ‘I never meant anything more.’

Naruto’s hands were steady when they cupped Sasuke’s face, and his eyes were warm. ‘I love you.’

Sasuke just kissed him again, not trusting himself to speak. They stood like that, and eventually Naruto broke the silence, ‘I want to.’

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Waiting for Naruto to come out was unadulterated torture. Sakura was silent next to him, and Sasuke wanted to believe she’ll stay even after Naruto comes out, but he wasn’t sure. In a way, it felt like she was scared to see him, and Sasuke could relate.

Seeing Naruto like this was scary.

A hand fell on his bouncing knee.

‘Calm down,’ Sakura said without looking at him. ‘It’ll be fine.’

The doors startled both of them. Sasuke stood up.

Naruto wasn’t looking at them, hands in his pockets, but he didn’t look like he had the day before, cold and closed off.

He stopped right in front of Sasuke, and if his eyes were red-rimmed and puffy when he looked up, Sasuke didn’t make a comment, choosing instead to hold out a hand for Naruto to take.

Then he saw Sakura, half hiding behind Sasuke.

‘Sakura-chan!’ A smile took over his features, and he pushed by Sasuke to take Sakura in his arms, lifting her off the ground.

All Sasuke could do was watch.

He, once again, knew that his two teammates had gotten closer during the years he hadn’t been around, but seeing it now was a bitter pill to swallow. Before he and Sakura left for the mission in Water, he remembered Naruto had come to say goodbye at the gates. Sakura had still been upset with him, rightly so, and she hadn’t addressed him even once, but even Naruto, whose eyes always strayed towards him even for half a second, hadn’t looked once his way while talking to Sakura.

There were so many things Sasuke had missed, and while Sakura was actively trying not to let the differences be seen, while he and Shikamaru were civil now, while Kakashi was closer than even before the chuunin exams, while he could actually consider Ino a friend, the years were still there, present in every conversation.

Sakura laughed and held Naruto tight, even after he put her down.

‘How are you?’ she asked.

‘Good, good. I’ve been meaning to ask about you.’

‘I’m on call right now, just stopped by to say hi to Sasuke,’ she said.

‘We should get together soon,’ Naruto offered, finally letting Sakura go. ‘Full team 7, right, Sasuke?’

He could only nod and watch as they made plans for dinner the following day.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Sasuke kept his eyes on the pot he was stirring, but his ears were on the three people sitting at his kitchen table. Next to him, Kakashi was nursing his second sake glass.

‘He seems to be doing better by the day,’ the silver-haired ninja said.

‘Hn.’

‘Is it all pretend?’

‘No.’

Kakashi nodded.

‘Are you going to give me the shovel talk?’ asked Sasuke, eyes now tracing Naruto’s movements.

‘I had been planning on it, but it’s not necessary.’

He turned to look at him, ‘Why?’

Kakashi gave him the famous eye smile. It seemed genuine. ‘It might not be obvious to Sakura and Sai, maybe even to Naruto himself, but to me it is. I am a clan kid myself, Sasuke. No matter how complicated your relationship to the family name is, you don’t just let anyone wear the crest.’ He gestured towards where Naruto was sitting, back towards them, the Uchiha fan blatantly visible between his shoulder blades.

Sasuke fought the blush threatening to appear, and met Kakashi’s eyes.

‘So it tells me,’ he went on, ‘that you’re serious about this. It’s all I need.’

Sasuke nodded once. ‘I am,’ he said, instead of all the other things that were jumping around in his mind, things like I’ll marry that man, and no one will ever even dare to try to tear us apart, I’ll kill everyone in this city and then myself if something ever happened to him, he’s the sole reason I’m alive.

They continued in silence, and the table, Sakura and Naruto did most of the talking.

‘No way,’ the blonde said, ‘that is in no way how it happened!’

Sakura laughed. ‘You have memory issues clearly. Kakashi-sensei, tell him I’m right.’

‘Maa, don’t get me involved.’

Naruto didn’t stop smiling until they were standing in their doorway, Sai and Kakashi already near the front gate, Naruto and Sakura locked in a hug.

‘Are you sure?’ the pink-haired girl asked for the fourth time in maybe just as many minutes, face hidden in Naruto’s chest.

‘I am, Sakura-chan. It’d be fun, having everyone together like that.’

‘Next week, then?’

‘Deal.’

Once the door was closed, Naruto’s smile fell. Sasuke was instantly there behind him, hand on his waist.

‘I’m fine,’ the blonde said.

‘You sound exhausted. Let’s go to bed.’

Naruto shook like a leaf as Sasuke maneuvered his limbs out of his clothes and into pajamas, could barely hold his toothbrush, and leaned most of his weight on Sasuke at all times.

By the time Sasuke was lowering them on the bed, he had calmed down somewhat. Naruto pressed himself flush against Sasuke’s side, as if trying to bury himself under his skin.

‘I have a weird request,’ he said soon after.

Sasuke made a noise to show that he was listening, hand playing with the edge of Naruto’s sleep shirt.

When Naruto talked next, his voice was muffled by Sasuke’s shirt. ‘Can you lie on top of me?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You’re warm, and I tend to get cold.’

Sasuke smiled. ‘You want me to be your blanket?’

A half-hearted slap against his chest. ‘Don’t tease me, bastard.’

They shuffled a bit until Naruto was lying on his back, Sasuke above him, supported by his elbows.

‘It helps,’ Naruto admitted.

‘With what?’

‘The anxiety, I guess. Being near you helps after a bad day.’

‘Turn around.’

Naruto obliged, and then Sasuke lowered himself right on top of him, hands grazing his sides. He felt three times heavier than he knew he was.

As soon as all his weight was on Naruto, he heard a strangled sound of content come out of the blonde.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered, body finally still.

Sasuke just kissed the portion of his neck he could reach and caressed his arms, settling in.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Two days later he found himself staring at the milk stand in the market, away from Naruto for the first time in a week.

Now that Sakura had been invited, she always seemed to be around, and she had proposed that she stay with Naruto while Sasuke went on a much-needed grocery run.

‘I think the milk isn’t an enemy, Sasuke.’

He turned around to see Ino, in all her blonde glory, smile at him.

‘Pregnant this time?’ he smirked.

‘You never know, Uchiha.’ She reached around him to grab a bottle herself, placing it in her basket.

They shopped together, throwing jokes back and forth, and Sasuke was reminded why Ino was so easy to be around. She didn’t ask about Naruto, not even once.

When they were done, they sat down on one of the benches in the nearest park, and Sasuke watched Ino watch the kids play, strange look on her face.

‘Sakura told me we might be having a big get together soon,’ she eventually said, looking at him.

Sasuke couldn’t help the twitch of his nose. She noticed.

‘You don’t like that idea.’

‘The last time more than one other person was in the house, he freaked out afterward, and taking him out in public is not a good idea. It’s still too soon,’ he tried to explain.

Always taking no bullshit, Ino asked, ‘He said that? You asked him and he said that?’

‘It’s complicated.’

‘Try.’

He let his shoulders fall. ‘He fakes it, when other people are there. He laughs and smiles and it makes everyone think everything is fine, when in reality, nothing is fine.’ Sasuke kept his eyes ahead, unable to look at her. ‘All I want is for him to be fine, but it’s so obvious he isn’t, and when he pretends to be –‘

He stopped.

‘You want him to keep pretending just so you could pretend too?’ Ino offered, voice soft.

Sasuke nodded, letting shame and guilt swallow him whole, like it had been doing for months now.

‘This is so Sakura,’ she said, laughing softly. ‘She jumped on the Naruto’s fine train so fast she forgot her luggage in the station.’

‘No one is judging you, Sasuke,’ Ino continued. ‘It’s an incredibly hard situation to manage, and you’re managing pretty well. He’s taking his meds?’

Sasuke nodded once again. ‘And sleeping and eating, but he’s not gaining weight back and I am almost certain he’s having muscle pains but won’t tell me.’

She patted him on the arm before standing.

‘It’s only been a week. Give him time. Let me know if I need to reign Sakura in. I have to go now.’

He waved and looked at her back until he couldn’t see her anymore.

Sakura left almost immediately after Sasuke came home, and Naruto was in a good mood the rest of the afternoon. He shadowed Sasuke all around the house, distracting him with kisses and pretty smiles and soft laughter.

He showered alone, and Sasuke held himself back, because he knew that Naruto had to learn how to do things on his own.

Even with all that, they settled in, comfortable and content, Sasuke couldn’t help but wonder when the other shoe was going to drop.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

It happened after almost two weeks, countless therapy sessions and two med refills later.

The morning found Sasuke in Kakashi’s office, signing his temporary retirement, something he had thought would happen many decades in the future.

‘Do you think Naruto’s gonna retire too?’ Kakashi asked him, and Sasuke tried his best not to look too murderous. He failed.

‘Not because I want him to go on missions, Sasuke, relax. But the Hokage has to be an active shinobi.’

He didn’t think Naruto was ready to have that conversation, so Sasuke hadn’t asked.

He ignored Kakashi, but then the older man said something else. ‘Also the money thing.’

‘There’s no money thing,’ Sasuke interrupted.

Kakashi looked unconvinced. ‘I know you’re used to living on barely anything, but I signed the contract to bring the drug we gave Naruto from Water, and I signed Yumisa’s employment contract. I know how much she costs.  She might be on Konoha money for now, but we fought a war. Some people still don’t have stable homes, or incomes.’

‘Naruto saved their lives,’ he gritted throw his teeth, clenching his hands.

‘He saved them for nothing if they starve, Sasuke.’

He was right, and asking to take away money from needy people just so they could afford therapy and medication would certainly be one of the things that would convince Naruto he doesn’t need it, when in fact, he does.

‘He is a war hero, there had to have been a compensation.’

‘He donated it.’

Sasuke closed his eyes, breathed in, and wished for half a second that Naruto wasn’t as kind as he was.

‘There is, of course, your money.’

‘It’s gonna take us through the summer, but no longer than that.’

‘I meant the Uchiha money.’

Sasuke looked up.

‘The town didn’t do anything with it, even after the compound was destroyed,’ Kakashi continued. ‘Shikamaru found it a few weeks ago, all intact.’

‘How much?’

‘Too much to count, Sasuke. The Uchiha were seconded only by the Hyuuga in terms of wealth.’

‘Well,’ Sasuke finally said, standing up, ‘I guess that settles that. Are you coming tonight?’

‘To the kids’ party? No, but have fun.’

Sasuke nodded, thinking fun was the last thing that will be had that night.

By the time he got home, Ino had joined Naruto and Sakura in the kitchen.

Naruto jumped to greet Sasuke, kissing him, and while Sakura had gotten used to the display, Sasuke heard Ino whisper, ‘They’re really hot together, aren’t they?’

Naruto broke off laughing, blush dusting his cheeks.

‘Ino!’ Sakura yelled, hitting her with a towel.

By the time Sasuke changed clothes and went back downstairs, Sai was there, arm thrown casually around Ino’s shoulders.

By sunset, their house was full of people that had trailed in, one by one, and if Hinata was almost crying when Naruto lifted her off of her feet, hugging her harder than anyone, and if Naruto and Shikamaru’s hug lasted more than most of the others put together, and if afterward Shikamaru excused himself and left for the kitchen, Sasuke pretended not to see.

He was on edge the entire evening, watching every single one of Naruto’s moves, but he seemed fine. Everyone had listened and there was no alcohol present, and no one was talking about Naruto’s illness, everyone was acting normal.

The weird things started happening as soon as people started leaving. Naruto found him and glued himself to his side, something more than wish for comfort in his eyes.

The moment Sakura and Shikamaru had left, Sasuke found himself being dragged up the stairs and into the bedroom.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked, smiling as Naruto was trailing soft kisses down his neck. The only answer he got was being pushed against the bedroom door as soon as it was closed. Naruto’s fingers were trailing alongside the line of his pants.

‘I could suck you off,’ Naruto said, instantly dropping to his knees and reaching for his pants.

Sasuke’s smile fell and his blood froze in his veins, body going rigid.

Naruto didn’t notice, hands still fumbling with the tie.

‘What,’ Sasuke said, more of a statement than a question, mouth dry.

‘Oh well, you know, since my dick is downright useless now, I could do that. Or you could fuck me, that part of me still works.’

He stilled Naruto’s hands, eyes wide and mouth open. ‘What are you talking about?’

Naruto looked up, and in any, literally any other circumstances, Sasuke would be holding on to his sanity by a thread. This situation, though, only filled him with dread, making him sick to his stomach. Naruto looked more than upset, looked mad, but not at Sasuke.

Oh, he realized. He is mad at himself.

Sasuke let his knees give out, and soon he was at eye level with Naruto.

‘That’s not what I want from you,’ he whispered, touching the side of Naruto’s face.

It had, apparently, been the wrong thing to say, because Naruto exploded.

‘Then what do you want?’ he yelled, pushing himself to his feet and crossing the room to the window, leaving Sasuke kneeling in front of the door. ‘You don’t seem to want anything and I can’t figure you out!’

Sasuke pushed himself to his feet. ‘I don’t want anything from you, Naruto.’

A cruel choked laugh came from the other man. ‘Clearly, you don’t.’

He took a step forward. ‘Naruto – ‘

‘You won’t even look at me!’ the blonde said. There were tears in his eyes, desperation on his face, and Sasuke didn’t know how this went south so fast. ‘You won’t even touch me!’

Naruto’s movements were frenzied now, he was pulling at his clothes, and Sasuke crossed the room in record time to grab on to his wrists and stop them.

‘I’m touching you.’

The tears in Naruto’s eyes fell. ‘No you’re not.’

He broke away from Sasuke’s hold, the first time in their lives, and if Sasuke’s own eyes were suddenly filled with tears, he only hoped Naruto couldn’t see.

‘I get it, okay,’ the blonde went on, rubbing at his eyes, ‘I get it, you left and nothing was the same when you got back, I wasn’t the same, I just didn’t expect it to hurt like this.’

Sasuke’s heart was in his throat, and there were so many things he had to say to that, but before he could even attempt one, Naruto took his pillow and passed by him.

‘I’ll sleep on the couch. I need some space.’

And Sasuke was left staring at the door, wanting to follow but not being sure if he could.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He didn’t even pretend to sleep that night. As soon as he heard movement from downstairs, he went down to see Naruto actually preparing breakfast. He didn’t look at Sasuke, and Sasuke tried to be subtle about looking at him.

Naruto took his meds, and after eating on his feet, at the counter instead of sitting down at the table with Sasuke, he went back upstairs.

Sasuke was cleaning the table when Naruto reappeared, this time dressed. Before Sasuke could say anything, he said, ‘I’m going on my own today, I don’t need you to come.’ And he was gone out the door.

Sasuke’s heart didn’t slow down for even a second the whole three hours Naruto was gone, and he had almost left to follow him a grand total of ten times.

By the time the blonde opened the door, Sasuke was three seconds away from a panic attack. He was holding a bag in his hand, head hung low.

‘I was going to buy us ramen, but then I remembered I can’t eat it anymore, so I got us dango, but I realized a couple of minutes ago that you don’t eat dango because of, well, you know.’

Naruto put the bag on the table, and Sasuke figured that if it was someone he’d get over his brother for, it was Naruto.

‘Dango is fine,’ he said, voice scratchy.

Naruto looked up. ‘I should talk to you.’

Sasuke stayed silent. This was a new thing, the way Naruto now had the habit to formulate his sentences in a weird way, one that made sense to him because he had more information than the rest of the people, but the person he was addressing usually couldn’t figure it out. Sasuke found that the best approach was to let him explain himself, to give him time.

Naruto cleared his throat and sat down at one end of the table. ‘Yumisa said I should talk to you, about what I talk about with her, so I’ll try to do that.’ He motioned to the other chair, and Sasuke fell as if someone had cut off his strings.

Naruto was playing with his hands.

‘I saw the moon,’ he began. ‘back in my apartment. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, but then one day I turned towards my window and all I could see was the moon, huge and red like a Sharingan, so I figured it was all either a genjutsu, or I had gone mad. It never went away, it was always there. So I tried to pull the curtains closed, but I could still see it.’

Sasuke could barely breathe. He hid his hands beneath the table, so Naruto wouldn’t see the way they shook.

‘I thought Madara had won.’

He looked up at Sasuke. ‘I sometimes still believe that. It feels too perfect, that you’re here, that you’re not leaving, so I figured I have to be making it up, because if anyone would be my infinite tsukuyomi, it’d be you.’

A shaky breath. ‘I’ve loved you my entire life, from before I knew what love is and how it feels like, and it feels such a joke that when you’re finally here, I can’t give you all the things I wanted to give you.’

Sasuke spoke for the first time. ‘Of course you can.’

Naruto laughed again, something horrible, that shouldn’t have a place in his mouth. ‘I can’t. There’s not much left of me. I can’t give you all that you deserve, and I don’t know how to fix it.’

Sasuke stood up and sat back down on the chair next to Naruto, taking his hand and looking into his eyes. ‘The only thing I deserve would be dying.’

‘Sasuke!’

‘No, you were there for me before anyone was there for me. I tried to kill you, several times, and you still fought for me. If they had decided to kill me after the war, I wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on. Everything that you’ve given me is already more than I deserve, so don’t ever think it’s not enough.’

Naruto kept silent for a few seconds. Tears were back in his eyes.

‘Then why won’t you touch me?’ he asked, voice breaking, and Sasuke’s heart with it.

He remained silent, not knowing how to tell Naruto all that was in his head.

‘Back when we took that shower,’ he continued, ‘you didn’t even look at me. I know I’m not much to look at anymore, but you closed your eyes before my shirt was even off, and I –‘

‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ Sasuke interrupted, desperate to stop Naruto.

‘How would you hurt me?’

‘I always seem to end up doing it.’

He raised Naruto’s hand to his face, tracing every knuckle with his finger. ‘Do you actually believe I don’t want you?’ He looked up to see Naruto staring at the table.

‘I want you,’ he breathed out, heart wild in his chest. ‘In the shower, I wanted you so bad, every day, I want you so much I think I might go insane again.’

Naruto was back to looking at him now, eyes wide.

Sasuke smiled. ‘I love you more than I want you. And I’m willing to wait until I know this is something you want and not something you think has to happen.’

‘I just want to give you something back.’

Sasuke raised his eyebrows. ‘You don’t need to give anything back, I’m not doing anything special.’

‘You’re putting up with me.’

Sasuke didn’t even dignify that with an answer.

‘And I do want it,’ Naruto said, and then grimaced, ‘but it’s not like I can.’

This was a dangerous conversation for Sasuke to have, Sasuke who, for the past two weeks, had been thinking of ways past that, ways that would still leave Naruto a mushy mess after Sasuke was done with him.

‘Then we wait,’ he said instead.

Naruto bit his lip. ‘I could still suck you off.’

‘Naruto –‘

‘I just want to make you feel good, and you wouldn’t be thinking twice about it if I weren’t sick, and trust me, wanting to make you feel good started before the sick part started.’

He was going to regret asking this, but he had to.

‘Did you talk to Yumisa?’

‘About wanting to suck you off?’ Naruto said with a smirk. ‘Yeah. She said I should try, and when I blew up today in her office, she said I should probably talk to you before jumping you like an animal and freaking you out.’

Sasuke smiled at him, holding his hand tighter.

Naruto, however, was relentless.

‘So? What do you say?’

‘Now?’

‘What better time?’

Sasuke hesitated, looking at Naruto, and even though his face didn’t show one shadow of doubt, Sasuke was still uncertain. His dick was clearly interested, even with all the energy Sasuke was putting into remaining soft.

Naruto bit his lip again before standing up and stepping closer to Sasuke, forcing him to turn away from the table.

Then he was dropping to his knees.

‘Naruto,’ Sasuke tried not to groan.

A finger on his lips. ‘Shh, let me do this.’

‘We are in the kitchen.’

‘It’s our place, we make the rules.’

And wasn’t he right, sitting there on his knees, between Sasuke’s legs, hands on his thighs and looking up at him. Sasuke was very close to breaking a chunk of the table off with his bare hand.

Naruto’s hand trailed up his leg, avoiding his groin and going straight for the zipper. He pulled it down in one go, and pulled Sasuke’s dick out in another.

Sasuke didn’t dare close his eyes, in fear of not losing even one single second of this.

Naruto wasn’t looking at him anymore, but at the hardening cock in his hand, and for the first time, Sasuke wondered if he had done this before. But before he could ask, soft lips were engulfing the head and his hips flew off the chair before he got them under control.

Naruto’s hand was right above his balls, fingers gently massaging the portions of skin they reached, and his tongue was slowly coming out, flicking at the head experimentally.

Sasuke put one hand on Naruto’s head, as encouragement. Naruto pulled off.

‘You don’t taste half bad,’ he said, hand going up and down in a lazy move, driving Sasuke crazy.

Before he could respond, Naruto was taking all of him into his mouth, swallowing around him and holy shit yes this totally wasn’t the first time he did it.

‘Fuck,’

A giggle came from Naruto’s throat just as he started sucking in earnest, and Sasuke’s hand clenched around Naruto’s hair, pulling a moan out of the blond that made him thrust his hips up. Naruto choked but didn’t pull off, going with the motion, and Sasuke was close embarrassingly fast.

‘Fuck, baby, fuck.’

Naruto groaned and pulled off. ‘What did you just call me?’

His cheeks were the nicest shade of red Sasuke had ever seen, and his eyes were hazy, lost. He looked wrecked, wrecked from sucking Sasuke’s cock. This was going to be over faster than he wanted.

‘Baby,’ he whispered, not finding the strength in himself to be embarrassed or shy. The time for shyness was long gone.

Naruto’s head fell against one of Sasuke’s thighs. ‘Holy shit I didn’t know you could be so turned on without being actually hard. Keep calling me that.’

This time Sasuke was prepared when Naruto swallowed him again, but it didn’t surprise him any less. His head fell back, and he was pretty sure his brain was getting sucked through his dick.

‘Baby,’ he said again, a groan this time, and Naruto completely lost it, moaning and fucking his face against Sasuke’s cock. It was getting harder and harder to keep his hips still, when one of Naruto’s hands found his hips, slithered under and pushed up.

Sasuke swore. He didn’t need any more incentive than that. Really, he should be awarded a medal for resisting this long, with those torturous couple showers and sleeping in the same bed.

He gripped Naruto’s hair harder and started fucking up into his throat, and the blonde went limp, along for the ride, letting Sasuke chase his orgasm. 

‘I’m close,’ he warned, but when he moved to pull out, Naruto just pushed his face into Sasuke’s pelvis, swallowing around his cock.

Sasuke came with a moan down Naruto’s throat, staying there for a few seconds. When he gathered his wits, he didn’t bother putting his dick away, just pulled Naruto up and pushed him out on the table, latching on to his lips the very next second.

When he pulled off, Naruto looked dazed, hands clenched in the back of Sasuke’s shirt. ‘You were amazing,’ he whispered against the blonde’s lips, and kissed the smirk right off of them when it appeared.

Once he was sure his legs would support him, Sasuke dragged Naruto upstairs and straight into bed, dropping his pants somewhere around the way.

After Naruto buried himself into Sasuke, he laughed and said, ‘We could totally do this more often.’

Sasuke laughed too, and thought yes, we are going to be just fine.

ɷɷɷɷɷ