Chapter Text
homeless- eren
karen- mikasa
french fry- armin
magnus chase- jean
priest nicks grandson- marco
billie- annie
bean thor- bertholdt
furry bara- reiner
god almighty- ymir
1st disciple- historia
egghead- connie
bacon hair- sasha
gordon ramsay- niccolo
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homeless: ok frfr WHO TF KEEPS CHANGING THE GDMN NICKNAMES
god almighty: not me
egghead: not me
french fry: sus
french fry: wait what the fuck
priest nicks grandson: okay i dont know any priest nicks and i know im not a grandson
billie: how tf were you born then dingus
priest nicks grandson: i was born bc of ur mom
furry bara: LMAO
furry bara: OHSHIT DID I FORGET TO CLEAR MY BROWSER HISTORY
1st disciple: we did not need to know that
god almighty: ^
karen: its like when someone comes online all of you come together
karen: like a uhhh
karen: what do u call it
magnus chase: like a cult
bacon hair: like a bunch of flies??
bean thor: the last supper.
french fry: a congregation
gordon ramsay: hello everyone
gordon ramsay: i am niccolo
gordon ramsay: not gordon ramsay
gordon ramsay: hahah who changed that?
magnus chase: ok who tf-
magnus chase: anyone of u crazies added a random person
bacon hair: NO NO NO hes not a random stranger his name is niccolo!!
magnus chase: we know that but like
bacon hair: he's my new friend
egghead: wow sash u so quick to replace me
priest nicks grandson: hi niccolo!! please excuse jean for his rude behavior
magnus chase: ok mom 🙄
billie: pls
billie: u only call marco mom bc he likes it
priest nicks grandson: THAT IS NOT TRUE
billie: ahha yeah right
billie: also hi niccolo
billie: im surprised sasha has kept u as a friend for longer than 3 days lmao
gordon ramsay: sash?? whats that supposed to mean
egghead: we sacrifice newcomers
egghead: yknow the pentagram shit
egghead: thats how we all came together in the first place
egghead: ah yes the good old days
karen: hi niccolo ✨🎊💓
karen: im not karen im mikasa
karen: n if you ask if im lying i am not, just because i watch anime does NOT mean id name myself some random japanese name.
homeless: haha thats just mikasa, dont question it
homeless: hi
homeless: im Eren
gordon ramsay: hi... eren and mikasa
french fry: im Armin Arlert!!
billie: annie.
bean thor: im bertholdt but you can call me anything that has b and t in it since no one bothers to pronounce my name correctly
furry bara: awww bertl dont beat urself up
furry bara: im reiner, like the big bro of everyone here
priest nicks grandson: yeah ‼️
billie: make sure to stay away from reiner that was 🧢
furry bara: NO CAP
karen: are you sure
karen: do you want me to pull up the scs of that last convo
karen: the crunchy p
furry bara: actually no
bacon hair: GUYYSSS DONT OVVERWHELM HIMMMMM
god almighty: yeah no you already do a good job of that
gordon ramsay: ah, u have very
gordon ramsay: interesting friends
magnus chase: is he calling us weird bro
priest nicks grandson: i mean, he's not wrong
gordon ramsay: im literally in front of you
homeless: more like in front of a screen
karen: should we do the hazing method on him?
karen: im assuming you are a him, niccolo.
priest nicks grandson: i mean, the names kind of a dead giveaway
billie: wht r ur pronouns nicky
gordon ramsay: its niccolo
gordon ramsay: and my pronouns are he his him
billie: poggers ok
----
gordon ramsay: [hand-pics.image]
billie: u wanna compare hand sizes mf
billie: [image]
french fry: 👀👀👀
french fry: did i ever tell u that i think your hands are amazing
billie: ahahahahah maybe
billie: thanks ;)
furry bara: we sending feet pics ??
gordon ramsay: ah crap that was meant for sasha
billie: REINER DONT
furry bara: [image]
god almighty: PLEASE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
god almighty: IT LOOKS LIK IT WAS CHEWED CONTINUOUSLY BY RATS
furry bara: rude
gordon ramsay: um when was the last time you cleaned your nails? no offense or anything
god almighty: buddy its ok we all insult each other here
god almighty: except marco no one shit talks marco and marco shit talks no one
priest nicks grandson: oh really
god almighty: yee
gordon ramsay: isnt that a bit,,, toxic?? idk man
bacon hair: dont worry babe you called me a bunch of names before
gordon ramsay: only bc you said u liked it
egghead: BABE????!!!! BITCH WHAT
bacon hair: what?
french fry: 👁 wot
egghead: stfu frenchie
egghead: also U DIDNT TELL ME U WERE DATING HIM
bacon hair: i didnt?
bacon hair: i mean im not
bacon hair: maybe i am
bacon hair: only if you want to nico
bacon hair: 😳😳
god almighty: what did i just witness
priest nicks grandson: a confession?
gordon ramsay: i meaaaaan
gordon ramsay: 😳😳😳😳 sure
french fry: u gays are cute
french fry: guys*
god almighty: thanks
priest nicks grandson: tfhanks
1st disciple: thanks
furry bara: thanks
bean thor: tanks
magnus chase: dank
egghead: memes
god almighty: stfu cowbelly fans
furry bara: u watch that w us too dont fucken lie
god almighty: fine fine im a liar
billie: kokichi kinnie ⁉️
---
homeless: marcos name is too long
magnus chase: not as long as my dick
bacon hair: nNOOOOOOO
billie: 😀🕶👌
homeless: oh fuck off
priest nicks grandson: im off
magnus chase: hell yeah
karen: absolutely horrendous stop this at once
magnus chase: wht r u gnna do
magnus chase: talk to my manager??
god almighty: OUTTA POCKET
god almighty: and eren, bestie, u couldve just said so
god almighty has changed priest nicks grandson's name to Jesus™
homeless: there
homeless: a bit worse a little better
egghead: this mf speaking in riddles now
billie: pfft lmao
1st disciple has changed Jesus™'s name to yoonbum
furry bara: NO NO YOU DID NOT
karen: aight ima head out
homeless: blinks
homeless: who?
bean thor: buddy you don wanna know
homeless: ok im not necessarily scared but maybe this once
magnus chase: oh god change it CHANGE IT BACK
magnus chase has changed yoonbum's name to cowboy
magnus chase: ok
magnus chase: lookin good
----
bacon hair: so like
bacon hair: any1 wanna commit a felony 2getha
egghead: im down
bacon hair: not you
bacon hair: the cops know u too well
egghead: 😞 hartbrocken
egghead: #ACAB
gordon ramsay: i can
gordon ramsay: but like make sure we dont get arrested lol 🥴
god almighty: this mf has a crime kink
bacon hair: dw
bacon hair: ill be the bonnie to your clyde ;)))))))))))
magnus chase: e w
bacon hair: LIKE YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU BIG HORSE
magnus chase: thats a compliment
gordon ramsay: are you cheatgin o n me
magnus chase: pffft no
bacon hair: no way hes not as hot as u
gordon ramsay: snirks
gordon ramsay: smirks
god almighty: arent you a bit too young to be committing crimes
god almighty: go back to playing roblox ur litrrly twelve
bacon hair: SOTPR IM NOT
gordon ramsay: babe dont make me commit a crime just by dating you
bacon hair: [image.self]
bacon hair: IM THE SAME AGE AS YOU DONT LISTND TO HER
god almighty: ew cishets
gordon ramsay: ok bby lets go on a date
magnus chase: its literally three am go the fuck back to sleep
bacon hair: hahahaha debby ryans okay
god almighty: did u just type debby ryans.. ykw nvm
bacon hair: toodles then, gays ~
magnus chase: shudders
god almighty: TOODLES
god almighty: BITCH
god almighty: ARE YOU IN A MOTHERHFKING MICKEY MOUSE EPISODE
french fry: that was the only notification i got and now i am questioning my life choices
god almighty: me too buddy
----
karen: i have the pending urge to rob a church
homeless: hey that rhymes 😩
french fry: r u not concerned that she wants to rob a church
homeless: i mean, its not the first time she did it
french fry: WHAT
karen: ahahah yeaaaa
karen: i did it w my uncle once
god almighty: bestie...
karen: shut up
karen: not like u can do anything abt it
cowboy: gasps
1st disciple: the blasphemy
homeless: knee ways what did u loot
karen: the plants
homeless: thats it
karen: what did you expect??? the money? the Jesus statue?
god almighty: chile be nice to my cuz
cowboy: im not even gonna question it
magnus chase: my friends are thieves and liars
cowboy: and your best friend killed
somebody
magnus chase: what
magnus chase: what is THT SUPPOSE DTONMEAN
god almighty: it means he killed somebody
cowboy: bestie no
cowboy: the only somebody i would wanna kill is myself 🤗😫🥳😎😎
god almighty: i-
karen: Eren you dont understand
homeless: OBVIOUSLY I DONT BUT LIKE YOU COULDVE TOOK SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT
karen: THEY WERE SUCCULENTS
karen: HOW DID U EXPECT ME TO NOT STEAL THEM
god almighty: ALL YOU TOOK WERE SUCCULENTS
karen: AND CACTI
karen: CACTUS
magnus chase: macko imn coming over
cowboy: too late
cowboy: mikasa took the succulents
cowboy: they were actually my life's essence
cowboy: and now im fading away
1st disciple: in the aaaaaarms
1st disciple: ooooof an angellllll
magnus chase: NOOOOOOO
magnus chase: high pitched screeching
egghead: puts on batman mask and saves marco
magnus chase: omg thank you
egghead: no. dont thank me
egghead: flies away and successfully kidnaps marco
magnus chase: WHAT THE FFUK
god almighty: plot twist of the century
1st disciple: arent u gonna do anything
god almighty: cant man, im god
god almighty: ill just sit back, relax and enjoy the movie
1st disciple: lol thats what god did when my dad left
magnus chase: WHAT THE DUCK CONNIE
magnus chase: I WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND HES GONE
egghead: exactly
karen: eren... the succulents can wait.
homeless: wait where
homeless: bruh mikasa just jumped out of the window
french fry: I LITERLLY JUST AENT TO PISS WHERE THE FUCK IS ANNIE
god almighty: cheating on you
french fry: SHE WAS JUST THERE
magnus chase: THEY VE TAKEN AMROC
french fry: WHO TF IS AMROC
god almighty: oh yeah, its the sacrifice
god almighty: i love this part
magnus chase: WHAT???????
egghead: dorime
egghead: iterimo adapare dorime
cowboy: heeelep
bacon hair: jumanji theme starts playing
magnus chase: ok can u give hime back now im getting kinda freaked out
gordon ramsay: sacrifice
gordon ramsay: ameno ameno pratzi be
magnus chase: whats that supposed to mean
homeless: oh god
homeless: thats why mikasa built the homemade catapult
magnus chase: the what in the what
1st disciple: i said i wouldnt get involved.... but like
god almighty: dont u dare ruin my plans of getting freckled jesus back in heaven
magnus chase: u planned this shit
karen: correction i planned this shit
homeless: wait if u took the succulents from the church and its marco's soul
homeless: shood i put it back
magnus chase: im coming wit u
egghead: NOOO FONT U DARE
magnus chase: ahahahahha no one will stop us
billie: dang
billie: i was just headed to church too 😏😏😏
magnus chase: ykw nevermind
cowboy: ur just leaving me here to die
magnus chase: u seem less surprised at that fact
cowboy: pah
cowboy: nothing i say can change ur mind
magnus chase: if i save u will u stop going to olive garden their garlic bread is wack
cowboy: nope nevermind im fine with being launched into the mesosphere
magnus chase: and here i was thinking you loved me
god almighty: I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST SHIT ON OLIVE GARDEN
god almighty: i will steal your meat and mix them with the bread batter then serve it to the people you call your friends
magnus chase: and risk them becoming cannibals? ok bud, theyve committed too many crimes already whats one more
bacon hair: ugh
bacon hair: WE WILL NOW COMMENCE
french fry: WHAT ABOUT ANNIE
gordon ramsay: dont worry shes here now
french fry: NOOOOOO DONT SACRIFICE HER
billie: why would they sacrifice me
billie: its obv marco
french fry: ah okay, have fun!!!
---
magnus chase: pls i was tryn to drink my diet cole zero and i fucking CHOKED and COUGHED and ALMOST DIED
homeless: first the bts meal from mcdonalds and now the diet cole sprouse
magnus chase: COKE
homeless: oh g u have the joint? cool
magnus chase: mate i dont even
cowboy: didnt i tell you smoking we*d is bad for your brain
god almighty: he came back to life bc you tried smoking weed
magnus chase: I DONT EVEN-
magnus chase: HAVE WEED
bean thor: who interrupted you
magnus chase: mikasa
karen: I told you, no selling weed to Eren. i dont even know how many times he's gotten high to the times ive caught him
magnus chase: I WAS DRINKING COKE
magnus chase: COLA????
karen: he says otherwise
god almighty: LISTEN TO THE MAN
karen: KAM
god almighty: preach tho
magnus chase: IM BEING FALSELY ACCUSED FOR DRUG DEALING
egghead: this reminded me of that one news headline where the cops who were undercover as drug dealers got arrested by the cops that were undercover as drug buyers
god almighty: ok but who wants actual drugs
cowboy: NO
cowboy: NO UNDERAGE DRUG USE
god almighty: more for me then
cowboy: DO I HVAE TO REPEAT MESELF
god almighty: no bestie, im 69 years old dw
cowboy: be responsible
magnus chase: UR GONNA LET HER OFF THE HOOK
karen: i am not letting you off the hook, Eren
homeless: whtver mommy
magnus chase: mommy kink mikasa 2k21
karen: no
karen: mommy marco
cowboy: WHAT
god almighty: hes rolling in his grave
furry bara: inch resting
cowboy: PLEASE STOP
magnus chase: wtf is inch resting
furry bara: its like saying 'i watch cape horn' out loud and very fast three times
magnus chase: WHAT THE FUCK
magnus chase: MY MOM WAS HOME
magnus chase: SHE LITERLLJTY BARGED IN MY DROOM AND WE JUST STARED AT EACH OTHER
cowboy: good thing you didnt actually watch cape horn
cowboy: what even is cape horn
furry bara: oh ill show you
furry bara: {insert gay porn website}
cowboy: NOO O O O I II OSOSODUCKHFBSBSVZJSBZGXHHQJALSNAJSGVZXYCTOALEBF
1st disciple: i-
god almighty: PLEASHSHAHAHEJS. NOT THE *insert website
furry bara: yes
furry bara: bc mangago was DLETED
god almighty: oh shit rlly?
god almighty: they had delicious yuri too damn
furry bara: payne
magnus chase: spain without the s
egghead: oh lol did yall know whos from spain
magnus chase: let me guess its that niccolo dude
gordon ramsay: im right here yknow
karen: ooo u summoned the ghost
egghead: lurker
egghead: anyways its marco
magnus chase: im pretty sure hes from belgium
egghead: no
cowboy: its just my dad lol
cowboy: im half spanish or something
god almighty: inch resting
egghead: wait ur actually belgian
egghead: whts next ur filipinese
cowboy: achtchkually
cowboy: actually*
cowboy: my mom is mestiza
cowboy: like half filo half spanish
magnus chase: woooaoaoaoh that explains ur fat ass
karen: what the fuck
cowboy: i-
cowboy: im gonna choose to ignore that
egghead: BUT I THOT U WERE RELATED TO YMIR
egghead: U EVEN CALLED URSELF TWINS
egghead: ALSO HI ANOTHER FILIPINO
magnus chase: u call urself and sasha twins but were not dumb to see thru it lmfao
cowboy: so u do actually know how to say filipino
cowboy: and no we just called ourselves that but i think we managed to fool u all
egghead: noooooooo
bacon hair: i just KNEW marco couldnt be related to such a whore
god almighty: YOU BITCH-
god almighty: I WILL SNATCH YOUR WIG. NO TACOS FOREVER. WHEN YOU STOP BY MY TITO'S FUCKING MEXICAN STAND I WILL TELL HIM TO REBUKE YOUR RIGHTS. REVOKE YOUR ORDER. SPIT IN YO MF SUGAR HONEY ICED TEA. QUITARÉ TUS HILOS DE CAOBA UNO A UNO PARA QUE TE VAS COMO CONNIE. Y NO DUDARÉ EN HACER DAÑO A TU BOYTOY RUBIO, PRISSY HIGH PONYTAIL ARIANA STAN BITCHASS, TIRARE TU TEJIDO NO TE ATREVES A DECIR NADA CONTRA MÍ.
cowboy: Dios Mío
magnus chase: suddenly i regret taking spanish lessons bc the unfiltered, unadulterated rage i feel is scorching my beautiful sculpted face
bacon hair: i-
bacon hair: im actually scared i admit
egghead: THE SLANDER
egghead: YOU PUTA
egghead: PERRA SUAVE. NO CREO QUE DEBES LLEVARME A ESTA CAUSA YO SOY LA RAZÓN PRINCIPAL DE TU TÍO PABLO O PEDRO O CUALQUIERA QUE MIERDA, SU NOMBRE NO SE ESTÉ ENTRANDO Y PUEDE PAGAR POR ESE MALDITO PIZZA. FOLLARTE A TI Y A TUS MENTIRAS Y A TU SLANDER. NO ACEPTARÉ ESTO. NO ME LLEVES A ESTE REPITO.
cowboy: praying for you all
cowboy: Our Father who art in heaven thy kingdom come thy will be done
karen: PLEOeiahdhaajASSSESNASGWHE
1st disciple: was that even a keyboard smash
karen: DO NOT. DO NOT I REPEAT
egghead: square up chupacabra lookin ass
god almighty: ohohoho like you can beat me you stick looking
god almighty: YOU DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME
god almighty: IT ISNT EVEN CLOSE
cowboy: yeah :( it was Esteban
egghead: CACKLES MANIACALLY
bacon hair: wait that one dude from the suite life or something
magnus chase: ooh oh I REMMEEBR
cowboy: Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez
egghead: pls atleast it wasnt as long as Jose's name i failed three years of history bcuz of him
cowboy: YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU HAVENT MEMORIZED IT
egghead: jose protacio uhhh montoya
cowboy: pls no
1st disciple: ....i thought you were american
homeless: did u just quote a vine
1st disciple: mayhaps
magnus chase: no but really
magnus chase: r u spanish??
cowboy: ....yes ..?
magnus chase: are you SURE??
cowboy: are you questioning my heritage
cowboy: I'll have you know I have memorized the names of my grandmother, great grandfather, great great grandparents, and no i am nOT related to Marco Polo do NOT make that joke, I have descended from a noble family from Spain and near Portugal but after the 333 years of the Spanish colonialization period my blood has stayed in the Philippines for as long as I remember
karen: 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 PREACH
egghead: frfr
magnus chase: that was a whole ass history lecture
cowboy: want me to explain some more
homeless: blinks
----
bacon hair: 🧒🏽 im naming this one maria
gordon ramsay: oo cool we namin emojis now
cowboy: 👩🏼 barbie
bacon hair: PLEASE
magnus chase: 👵🏼 gramma coco
god almighty: do NOT bring that up
magnus chase: YOU ONLY SAY THAT BC YOU DONT ADMIT TO CRYING AT THAT ONE PART
god almighty: I DID NOOOTTOTOOTIT
1st disciple: haha tit
furry bara: I HAVE RECIEPTS
furry bara: DONTNTRNT THINK ABT LYING I HAS PROOF
magnus chase: 👴🏻 richard
cowboy: 🐝 barry bee benson
magnus chase: SHAGGAGQWN GAWKHAKWJSSHSHSHJWIWJH
karen: 🐴 jean kirstein
bacon hair: 🤭
egghead: JAIL
cowboy: BYICHSJGDSHSNSJEAN DHWNXBAKANXBHSHSHGSHZHHSHSHD
furry bara: I ANYBCANT BREATAHE
magnus chase: srsly considering leaving you all
god almighty: that was FOUL PLAY
god almighty: BUT STILL
god almighty: fucking TWENTY POINTS FOR GRIFFINDOR
magnus chase: i feel hurt. stabbed in the back. my friends or the people who i thought i could trust betrayed me and left me for this black haired wench who can weightlift like the barbell is a fucking feather. they have played me and i feel like a useless fool.
billie: poe a tree
billie: anyways
billie: omg jean why the long face
magnus chase has left the group chat
egghead: JAIAIAOALAL HAIALAL JAIL JAIL KAIL
bacon hair: i fucking CHORTLED
gordon ramsay: PLS IT SOUNDED LIKE A CRAB THAT STARTED DROWNING
god almighty: THATHS SO SUPID
billie: supid
god almighty: SHUT THE FUCK UP
cowboy: can admit that was a little funny but also a bit mean
gordon ramsay: marco reminds me of a civilised bri ish man
gordon ramsay: sip your chamomile tea and shut up lmfao
gordon ramsay: its chewsday innit
bacon hair: im breaking up w u bae
egghead: oh shit
egghead: that sobered me completely
karen: ahahah whos gonna dig the grave this time
karen: i did it last time and no one looks for daz anyways lol
gordon ramsay: oh god
cowboy has left the group chat
gordon ramsay: I DDINT MEAN IT GOD SORRY HOLY SHIT
god almighty: chuckles. laughs at your incompetence.
god almighty: buddy, didnt you drill it in your stupid moronic white boy supreme hoodie wearer skinny penis head that NO ONE INSULTS MARCO
egghead: fight fight fight WORLDSTAR
god almighty:
bacon hair: call me john cause i aint cena thing
gordon ramsay: pls no spare me
god almighty: lol i see u hiding under the table
gordon ramsay: Hollyigte SHIT WHO TODL EHER MHY ADDDRSSSS
bacon hair: babe it was protocol
gordon ramsay: POOELWLLASE
1st disciple: it seems he has SOILED his BRITCHES
karen: this is fun
karen: i love a good beating
gordon ramsay: POPELWASES PLEASE
1st disciple: shakin in his little chef hat
god almighty: shivering in his timbles
god almighty: TIMBERS GODDAMNIT
gordon ramsay: nnO i Actually wear yeezys bhhut dont kill nee
god almighty: YOU DARETH UTTER SUCH UNIMPORTANCE
god almighty: oh he passed out
god almighty: he passed out from sheer anguish at his fate
karen: aw man
homeless: i regret ever stepping foot in here cause its either a merry little bar with a party of drunk toddlers or a COMPLETE WARZONE WITH NO ONE SPARED NOT EVEN A SPECK OF MERCY
god almighty: lmao
homeless: aaan d the convo died
god almighty: like ur high bp dad
homeless: wh
god almighty: WHAT SHOED H E GOT AWN
homeless: im shitting dont hurt me
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