Chapter Text

Chapter 1: Battleships

‘Battleships?’ Puppy dog eyes. Peace offering.

Michael seems to consider the offer, inattentively chewing the inside of his cheek, looking away from the camera. He shifts his gaze, demanding David’s chocolate colored eyes to lock with his through the computer screen. He looks stern and unapproachable, but David doesn’t dare look away.

‘Come on!’ David breaks the silence. ‘You know you want to. I’ll have none of your repressed anger right now. Out with it!’

‘Don’t mock me David John Tennant or I will hang up on you’.

‘Nah you won’t, you’re not one to walk away from a challenge. So... Battleships?’ Apologetic smile. Not waiting for an answer, he fishes a pen out from somewhere and starts drawing a couple of lines on his paper off screen. ‘We’re doing 10 by 10 right?’

‘We always do 10 by 10.’

‘We did do 20 by 20 that one time’, David replies pointing his pen at the screen.

‘True, but we were very angry with each other that time’.

Silence. David chews on the back of his pen with a vacant expression. ‘Does this mean your anger can be measured on a scale of 1 to 20, and we’re now under a 10? That’s better than I expected, honestly.’

‘I would say aim towards the higher end of the spectrum. I am still rather pissed at you, David. You, on the other hand, seem to have forgotten quite quickly why that is the case’.

‘Listen. I know that I’m the fucking liar here. You do not have to keep reminding me. But frankly, I am done apologizing. I have literally said I am sorry every day since it happened. You’re the one to hold a grudge. I get it now, why some people say you’re difficult to work with. They get on your bad side once, and there is no returning from that.’

‘I’m not difficult to work with, I just find it very hard to deal with your weaselly behavior. Or any weaselly behavior really. You are my best friend David and you lied to me! You lied to everyone!

‘It was Samuel fucking Jackson! What was I supposed to do? I only called him because Simon couldn’t. Had to be done.’ He crossed his arms over his chest and tucked his hands in his armpits, clearly wanting to end the argument at that.

‘Yes, it had to be done, but you discredited me in the presence of an esteemed colleague! I thought the goal of this game was to make me less angry, not more’.

‘Firstly, we haven’t even started playing and secondly your esteemed colleague couldn’t even remember your face after being in the same room with your naked arse throughout the shooting of an entire film. You should reconsider what warrants your esteem, my friend’. He rhythmically drummed on the desk with his fingers. No response from Michael except for a small huff.

‘So, does that mean? Battleships? 10 by 10?’

Michael disappeared from the screen and for a minute David sat there with a puzzled look on his face staring at an empty chair. Just when he thought to go check if the screen was frozen, there was some rummaging on Michael’s end.

Michael came back into view. He smashed a piece of paper onto the table with conviction. ‘Battleships at the ready! Bombs away on H5!’ He roared into the void of his living room.

David gave a startled look. ‘I wasn’t ready yet! Still have to draw in my battleships!’.

‘Well then, get on with it! I haven’t got all day.’

David is pointing the back of his pen towards the screen, eyes wide and mouth open in a baffled look. ‘Ha! Of course you have all day. I mean, what else is there to do? Do you know Georgia calls you my procrastination buddy? But that’s ridiculous, because there is literally nothing to procrastinate from! For either of us’

More silence on Michael’s end accompanied by an austere look. He ever so slightly raises his eyebrows, before David finally takes the hint and starts drawing in his battleships. Michael listens to David’s pen scratching the paper.

David looks up from his paper. ‘You’d make a ridiculously convincing commander, d’you know that? Gimme another minute’. He continues to draw in the position of his battleships.

‘Aaaaand I’m done! Hit me!’ David yells.

‘David?’

‘Yes, Michael?’

‘Admiral of the fleet’

‘Admiral who?’

‘It’s Doctor Who, David. I mean Admiral Sheen’

‘Will you please let me in on the joke? I feel like I’m missing the point’

‘Yes, a common occurrence. What I mean is that if I ever was in the Royal Navy I’d have been Admiral Sheen. Is all I’m saying’.

‘D’you mean Admiral is senior to Commander?’

‘Yes it is, Commander is even outranked by Commodore and Captain’.

‘I think Commander Sheen sounds much much more authoritative compared to the other titles. Admiral Sheen. Admiral’ He lets the title roll off his tongue a couple of times. ‘Would you have to wear one of those hats with a ridiculous feather on top? I’d stick with Commander, if I were you. Commodore sounds like you could burst into song any minute and Captain makes you sound like a villain in a superhero film. How sure are you of this?‘

‘No feathers in the Royal Navy I’m afraid. I am certain. I just know a lot of things about a lot of things. But you’d take my word for it, even if I wasn’t’. He smirks and David thinks that is definitely a step in the right direction.

‘Well, what can I say, you are very convincing Admiral Sheen’. But you’re changing the subject!’

‘I am not! You’re just easily confused.’

‘Am not!’

‘Are too!’

‘D2?’ David smirked.

‘Touché’.

‘Wait, what? No, I meant D2!’ He pointed his pen towards the screen in a miserable attempt to clarify that he meant the game.

‘There was seriously no pun intended?’ Michael raised his eyebrows impossibly high.

‘I don’t do pun. My pun is never intended’. David defended himself.

‘I think you do do pun, actually. Although it is rarely intended. It’s why you only ever stumble into funny, rather than be funny.

‘Are you trying to rile me up, Admiral Sheen?’

‘So you have noticed, Lieutenant Tennant?’

‘Just to be clear. I see what you did there. At the very least, I want to be Commodore Tennant, should the question ever arise. I’ll even sing for ya. So did I hit anything with my D2?’

Michael’s eyes twinkled. ‘Nope, that is a definite miss. What about J10? You are always stuffing those ships into the corners.’

‘Damn it, that’s a hit. You sank my submarine.’

Michael flashes him the broadest smile and David can’t help but return it. David looks at his paper pensively. ‘You certainly look a lot happier now that you’re ahead of me. Let’s try, say...A2?’

‘Missed again. A10?’

David just frowns.

‘Did I hit and sink another one of your submarines, Commodore?’

‘Jup, you did. Okay, so what about D3?’

‘Hit but still afloat. B4.’

‘That’s a miss, finally!’

They keep playing for a while, moods much improved. So far Michael has sunk both of David’s submarines, his aircraft carrier, his battleship and one of his destroyers. He has also hit another ship, either a cruiser or the second destroyer. David has sunk only one of Michael’s submarines, but both his destroyers, the cruiser and the aircraft carrier. And it’s his turn.

‘Okay, I am going for G9.’

‘There goes my second submarine. A7?’

‘Miss. E2.’

‘Miss. So what are we playing for anyway?’ Michael asks.

‘Well, I thought we were playing to make you less angry with me. But if you want to up the ante, I’m here for it. What about, the loser has to record a Tik Tok video wearing a tutu?’

‘David, your mind works in mysterious ways, you’re not doing that and I am definitely not doing that! I say, winner chooses what game to play next.’

‘Alright, deal! You are up!’
With just one turn ahead, in which David would surely have dealt Michael’s battleship the final blow, it’s Michael who wins the game. ‘Beat you by a nose length!’ Michael smiles radiantly.

‘You just looove that, don't you, snatching the prize right from under me! So what’s it going to be Admiral Sheen?’

Michael does not have to think about this one. ‘Twister, we are playing Twister, next time.’ he says playfully.

David looks at Michael, suddenly very seriously. ‘You understand that it would be very hard to play Twister in Microsoft Teams right?’

‘I do’.

‘Aaaaaand, you know that I remember what you said about Twister in a previous conversation right?’

‘Most probably’. Michael watches David watching him and swallowing very very slowly. ‘What’s wrong David? Cat got your tongue?’

‘Hmm, what, me? No, I'm okay. Perfectly okay here. Will you look at the time? I really need to go Mike. With the lasagna and all. See you soon!’ And just like that the screen goes black and Michael sits there staring sheepishly at his own face. That reaction could’ve been worse right? He thinks to himself. He smiles at the screen. The game is on and he has some planning to do.