Archive of Our Own

恋の予感 / koi no yokan / a japanese saying that means the sudden knowledge upon meeting someone that the two of you are destined to fall in love; the inevitability of love

Divorce, for all intents and purposes, is much easier than Namjoon thought it would be.

He supposes if he were anyone else, it would have been harder, but with Namjoon, it was a divorce by agreement as soon as Yujin brings it up to him.

There was, of course, the issue of who takes what (Namjoon didn't care), there was the issue of who gets the house (Namjoon didn't care), there was the issue of why they were divorcing (this is where Namjoon should have cared), and there was the issue of his entire life being ripped up from the roots and tossed aside as if it was never important at all (Namjoon cares most about this and wishes he didn't).

In the end, Yujin lets him keep the house. In the end, she lets Namjoon keep the things Namjoon was sure she'd fight for. In the end, Yujin lets him keep it all, saying how she felt that it was never hers in the first place, saying how during the entire time they were together, she never felt like her own person. And the last thing she says is that she never felt that their relationship was enough, not in the way it should have been.

Namjoon understands. Or he doesn't. He understands enough. At least he thinks he does.

He doesn't know what to think.

Signing the divorce papers was easy as well. Yujin had been there when he did, commenting lightly on how neat his handwriting was, and Namjoon wanted to ask, What's that supposed to mean? but he didn't and instead asked her what she'll do now. All she said in reply was, "Whatever I want," and then she was leaving with her lawyer just as quickly as she had arrived.

Namjoon couldn't find anything in him to hate her for that. Instead, he wondered if he should have asked what is he supposed to do now? What is the next step after this?

They weren't married for very long. Not even a full two years. But they had been together for five of those years. They had known each other for nearly eight.

Yujin had told Namjoon that he can text her whenever he likes but she may not reply. Namjoon wanted to tell her that she can do the same for him, but he never did, unable to find the right words. How do you go from being with someone you loved for years to not even being able to feel comfortable speaking to each other anymore?

Namjoon doesn't text her.

Three months after Yujin divorces him, Namjoon quits his job on an impulse he didn't realize he had.

He doesn't give any kind of notice, which is unlike him, but when he walked in that day, his boss had come up to him with a large smile on his face and asked if Namjoon could stay a few extra hours to help type up scripts his boss should have had done long ago.

Namjoon didn't even say 'yes' or 'no.' Instead, he muttered out a firm, "I quit," walked over to his small cubby, gathered the few things he had, and left. He apologized before he left but he didn't stop to explain, and when he was walking back in the same direction that he had just come from, a box of his belongings in his arms, he realized that his chest felt like it was empty.

When he got back home, to the house that no longer felt like a home, he sat for a long time on the floor with his back pressed up against his bed. This bed had been expensive. He remembered Yujin and him having an argument over how much they could spend on it, but finally, she had won and they bought the more expensive one. It had been for the better, Namjoon mused. The bed was indeed very comfortable.

Namjoon woke up the next morning still on the floor with a back that ached and no job.

And then Namjoon decided that he was going to sell the house.

Namjoon supposed it made sense that Yujin didn't care about keeping the house or anything from it. She had come from an affluential family and her concept of money had always been so very different than Namjoon's.

Yujin didn't work. She said she didn't want to and Namjoon couldn't fault her for it. Namjoon knew she struggled with herself sometimes and Namjoon thinks that if he came from a family that's always been able to afford life then he wouldn't want to work to live either. Namjoon had wished for so long though that Yujin would get a job just so she wasn't cooped up in the house all day long, waiting for him to come home from work.

He wonders, now, if that's where it all started.

Namjoon thinks he should have tried harder. Maybe he should have brought her home more flowers. Maybe he should have pushed her more to find some kind of purpose in life. Maybe he was a willing accomplice to Yujin losing sight of herself. Maybe he should have been someone else. Or maybe he should have done more impressive things.

Yujin once told him that's what finally drew her in to him. How impressive he was, with his work ethic and passionate dreams and big heart.

That was when Namjoon still dreamed of being a musician or a poet. That was before Namjoon had to settle for an office job that offered him nothing. He had always liked to write, but instead, he became an editor for a firm that cared nothing for Namjoon's soul.

Maybe Yujin had just been disillusioned.

Maybe Namjoon had been, too.

Selling the house is harder than he thought it'd be, but not so hard that he isn't able to manage doing it. The real estate agent he hired is overly enthusiastic, but kind, and when he finally gets the phone call a month later, Namjoon nearly winces from the happy shout Jeongguk lets out as soon as Namjoon picks up.

Moving out is difficult, but Namjoon expected it to be. Moving out is always difficult. And tiring. And overwhelming, but Namjoon had made a list and he had called a few of his friends from work to help. He offered to pay them but they all refused, claiming he should consider this a parting gift from them. Namjoon was touched, but he never grew as close to them as he wanted to so he didn't feel particularly sad about probably never seeing them again.

In the end, Namjoon decided to stay in Seoul. He considering moving to a place completely new, like Busan or maybe somewhere out of the country, but he knows Seoul too well and he feels too attached to leave it for a place he may or may not like.

He moves closer to his parents' house because it's cheaper there, but also because he knows he should visit his parents more often, anyway.

Yujin had never wanted to visit his parents. She never really wanted to visit hers either and Namjoon knows it's because she has a complicated relationship with them, but looking back on it now, Namjoon thinks he should have had more of an opinion.

Despite this, his parents have always liked Yujin. Even before they were dating, he knows they liked her as a person. And after they started dating, he remembers his mother would comment on what a lovely pair they make. But Namjoon also remembers his mother asking questions like, "Are you happy with her? Are you sure?" when Namjoon would come to them with questions of romance that he felt couldn't be answered anywhere else. 

Namjoon thinks his parents probably just wanted to support him. They've always been like that. Always so supportive of him. They were supportive of him when he went to university to pursue music. They were supportive of him when he came out to them as bisexual. They were supportive of him when he told them he figured it was about time to marry Yujin.

Namjoon wonders if he should tell his parents that he feels guilty he took away the light in Yujin's soul that had already been there before them. Another part of him, though, thinks he probably doesn't matter that much to Yujin anyway. Maybe Yujin only said yes to his marriage proposal because she, like Namjoon, assumed it was the next step.

Namjoon doesn't know. And it's too late to ask.

He moves into an apartment that isn't too big but isn't too small either. It's bland and he doesn't have any kind of good view outside his windows, but it's somewhere to live that's his and isn't the home that he lived in with someone he used to love.

Luckily, he has enough money from his savings and from selling the house that, if he so wanted, he wouldn't have to get a new job for at least a year. Namjoon doubted he'll last that long, and he's proven right when, after only a week at his new apartment, he's job searching online and debating whether or not to apply to a similar job to his last one or one that's completely different. And that's when his phone rings.

He picks it up, frowns when he sees that it's not anyone he knows, but he spends so long wondering who it could be that the phone rings out. Right after he puts it back down, though, the phone buzzes, and when he picks it back up, he notices that he has a new voicemail.

"Hey, Namjoon, or at least… I believe this is Namjoon unless your phone number has changed. This is Min Yoongi. From college? We used to be roommates. Ha. Anyway, hyung is just calling to check in with you. Also, I got a new phone number a while back so I wanted you to have mine in case you needed it for some reason… Call me back whenever. Talk to you later, yeah?"

And then, the voicemail ends and Namjoon is being politely asked whether or not he wants to delete it.

He doesn’t delete it because… well—

Min Yoongi. His roommate for two years when he was in college ten years ago.

Min Yoongi. A friend of his that he hasn't talked to since before he even got married.

Yoongi. The man that, quite literally, made Namjoon realize he was bisexual.

Min Yoongi is calling him. Min Yoongi just called him, actually.

Namjoon is calling him back before he can think too hard about it.

Yoongi picks up on the second ring.

"Oh. Namjoon, hello."

Namjoon lets out a soft laugh, basking in Yoongi's familiar voice. It's been so long. "Hi, Yoongi-hyung. It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"That does tend to happen when time passes."

Namjoon laughs again and rolls his eyes. "Okay, hyung, I see you're still as intellectually witty as ever."

"I'm the smartest man you know and you know it."

"I see dating Seokjin is giving you a good confidence boost."

Yoongi doesn't laugh like Namjoon expected him to though and instead goes quiet. "Oh, right… ah… actually, Namjoon, Seokjin and I broke up a few years ago."

"But you were together last time I saw you," Namjoon replies and then immediately feels like a fool for saying so. He and Yujin were together last time Yoongi saw him but look at him now. Before Yoongi can reply, Namjoon only clears his throat and adds, "I'm sorry, hyung. I didn't realize."

Yoongi just laughs. "No, no, it's fine, really. We're still friends. We both decided we just weren't working out."

Namjoon breathes out a sigh of relief. "Oh, well that's good to hear. I'm glad, then. Obviously, I would have taken your side in the divorce, but it's still good to know."

And as soon as he mentions "divorce," Namjoon knows exactly the reason why Yoongi really called. Surprisingly, however, Namjoon doesn't feel defensive over it.

"So, you heard?" is all he finally says instead.

Yoongi pauses for a moment, but eventually he sighs and says, "Yeah, I heard. Namjoon, I'm sorry."

And Namjoon feels it again. That same empty ache he felt the day he quit his job. Namjoon feels….

"How are you doing?"

How are you doing? Namjoon's been asked that countless times since the divorce. By his former co-workers. By his family. By a random friend from high school who reached out to him. Even one of Namjoon's sister's friends reached out to him to say how unfortunate everything was.

And now Min Yoongi was asking him. But unlike his usual reply of, Well, I'm doing as well as anyone could expect, he replies honestly for the very first time.

"Lonely." Namjoon can feel his heart beating. "I feel lonely. It's weird, isn't it? Being with someone so long and even marrying them only for it to end up meaning nothing in the end after all."

"Do you regret your time with Yujin? Do you regret marrying her?"

Namjoon wishes he needed more time to think about it. "No, I don't regret marrying her or being with her." He sighs. "Still, I feel bad. It's strange."

Thankfully, Yoongi doesn't press the issue. Instead, he just hums and asks, "So, who got the house?"

Namjoon snorts. "Wow, hyung, asking the blunt questions, aren't you? Why? Do you want to move in with me?"

"So, you did?"

Namjoon pauses. He swallows. "Yeah, I did. Although, I did just sell it. Actually, I just moved. Still in Seoul, though. Just not in the same place. Not at that house. I have an apartment now."

"That’s a lot that's happened," Yoongi replies and Namjoon thinks he sounds a bit breathless saying it. "I'm glad you were able to sell the house. Do you like your new apartment?"

"It's nice. I still need to decorate it. It looks like an isolation room right now."

Yoongi is silent for what feels like a minute, but Namjoon is counting the seconds, counting his breaths because Namjoon didn't wake up today and expect to talk to Min Yoongi. He didn't expect to open up so readily to someone he hasn't spoken to in years.

Yoongi's always been like that, though. Always so open to listening to what Namjoon has to say. And Namjoon has always taken advantage of him for that, but he knows it's okay because he knows that Yoongi's done the same with him. He can remember the first time Yoongi opened up to him, in the quiet of the dorm room that seems like it's from a time so very long ago.

Back then, Namjoon felt like he was unstoppable.

Now, Namjoon is as still as the dead, feeling as if he were about to fall down and down and down.

"Do you… need company?"

Namjoon finally moves again. He swallows. "Do you mean that?"

Yoongi breathes out a laugh. "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't, Namjoon. I can come and visit you. I've been… I've been thinking about doing it for a while, anyway."

"Coming and visiting me?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." Namjoon's hand has moved to his thigh and he realizes he's squeezing it. When Yoongi doesn't say anything else, Namjoon asks, "When do you… when do you think you'd want to hang out? We could, uh, go out to eat somewhere? Or we could just spend time at my place. Whatever you like, hyung."

"Let's go get some barbecue. I know a few good places. Besides, you're still moving in and I don't want to intrude until you're fully ready."

Namjoon smiles. "How do you know I haven't already unpacked everything?"

"Have you?"

"No."

"See?"

Namjoon lets out a soft laugh. "You know me too well."

Yoongi doesn't reply right away, but eventually, he sighs. "Probably not as well as I'd like to." But before Namjoon can ask what he means or say something embarrassing like No, you do, you always have, Yoongi continues and says, "Okay, well, then I'll text you? We can arrange a time to meet. That work, Namjoon?"

Namjoon feels as if he were back in college again, meeting Min Yoongi for the first time in that dimly lit stairwell.

"That works, Yoongi-hyung."

And Namjoon means it more than anything.

Namjoon sees Yoongi before Yoongi sees him. Much like their first meeting but not like their last. Their last meeting had been a week before Namjoon's wedding, in a crowded room with seemingly every person Namjoon has ever made any kind of connection with.

Yoongi had been dating Seokjin at that time and Namjoon remembers when he first showed up, his arm around Seokjin's waist and a grim smile on his face, as if he didn't want to come at all.

Still, Namjoon had greeted him and welcomed them both and Seokjin had said something funny that made them both laugh, easing the tension.

Namjoon remembers wondering why there was tension in the first place. Maybe because they went from roommates and best friends to nothing at all. Maybe because after Yoongi moved out, it was hard for them to keep in touch. Maybe because Namjoon felt like his heart broke one day when he realized Yoongi would never be in his life again. Not really.

But Namjoon had moved on and then Yoongi and Seokjin were in his apartment to celebrate his marriage with a woman each of them had only met twice before.

Namjoon remembers thinking—

"Namjoon."

Yoongi stands in front of him now, a reserved smile on his face, and Namjoon feels his stomach drop. Yoongi is in front of him but he looks exactly the same. Not surprising, Namjoon can't help but think, it's only been a few years after all, but still. Namjoon thinks he expected him to look different. Because the two of them together are different now. They're different.

They're different.

Namjoon returns Yoongi's smile with his own. "Hyung. Hello."

Yoongi laughs. "Hi yourself. Do you want to sit down or are we going to keep standing here awkwardly?"

Namjoon shrugs, not giving into the embarrassment and instead just smiles wider. "Lead the way then, hyung."

Yoongi leads them to a corner of the restaurant, secluded from everyone else, and Namjoon can't help but feel a bit nervous by how intimate this all seems. Because Yoongi is… wow.

He's not even wearing anything too fancy, his hair isn't styled any differently than the last time Namjoon saw him, and he still has both of his ears pierced in the way that used to drive Namjoon crazy in college.

The only noticeably different thing about Yoongi is that he seems far more settled in his own self than Namjoon has ever seen him be. Horribly, Namjoon feels momentarily jealous of him for it.

"Hyung will order for you," Yoongi suddenly says, making Namjoon blink himself out of his stupor. The waiter is already there, a polite smile on his face. Namjoon looks back at Yoongi when Yoongi says, "Unless you're not okay with that…?"

Namjoon shakes his head, offering him a reassuring smile. "No, that's fine, you know best, right?" Yoongi purses his lips, holding back a smile as far as Namjoon can tell, and quickly places an order for the two of them. When the waiter leaves, Namjoon laughs. "It's been a while since we've done this. Ordering for each other. Remember when you made me try that terrible seafood restaurant as a dare and I nearly threw up?"

"Then, I apologized and took you somewhere else and even paid for your meal."

"Still, you tried to kill me. You're an attempted murderer and yet here we are…."

Yoongi rolls his eyes. "I see divorce has made you no less dramatic."

"Ouch," Namjoon laughs, glad that Yoongi isn't going to tiptoe around the subject like everyone else in his life. He sighs, his hands feeling suddenly very clammy. "This is the first real time I've gone out and eaten with someone since."

Yoongi hums. "How long ago has it been now?"

"About five months. A while already, right?"

"Not as long as you may think," Yoongi shrugs. "I don't know how I'd be if I was in your situation."

Namjoon lets out a humorless laugh. "Yeah. I don't recommend it, though."

It's quiet for a few seconds and it could have been awkward but Yoongi doesn't let the silence linger. "So, besides divorcing Yujin, what have you been up to? Where are you working now?"

Namjoon grimaces. "I don't know. I quit my job. Used to work as an editor for a firm. Boring shit all around, honestly. I don't know what I want to do anymore." As he says it, Namjoon feels more and more pathetic. Here he is, seeing his walking sexuality crisis and all he can say about himself is that he's divorced and jobless. He brings up an arm and scratches at the back of his head. "Ah, sorry, hyung. I know that can be awkward to reply to."

Yoongi only shakes his head. "No, don't be sorry. It's okay if you don't know what you want to do, Namjoon. It's okay if you need time to sort things out. The person you thought you'd built your life with is no longer in your life. That's a big change. Don't feel guilty about that. Don't feel guilty about anything."

And that's the thing about Min Yoongi. Even back in college, he's always had such unwavering faith in Namjoon. The kind of faith that made Namjoon feel like he could do anything, be anything. Namjoon remembers when he first came out to Yoongi. He remembers the whispered assurances of, You're exactly who you need to be, never feel guilty for that. He remembers the first time Namjoon showed Yoongi his poetry and the way Yoongi had read each word so carefully once, twice, and then three times before he had huffed and said that the world didn't deserve Kim Namjoon.

Namjoon has always remembered Min Yoongi. He just hasn't had any need to think about him recently. At the party before his wedding, Namjoon had invited Yoongi and Seokjin again, but in person that time. He hadn't received any kind of RSVP from Yoongi when he first invited him. Yoongi had closed off, though, and he had mumbled something about how he wouldn't be able to make it. Seokjin, all the while, had been smiling at Namjoon as if Namjoon hadn't been trying to convince himself that he shouldn't be as disappointed as he was.

Why should he have cared if Min Yoongi came to his wedding or not?

So, he hadn't pushed it, and Yoongi and Seokjin left the party early, and Namjoon hasn't spoken to him since.

And that's the other thing about Min Yoongi.

It had been easy for Namjoon not to think of him. Namjoon had been in love with Yujin. Namjoon loved the way Yujin laughed and the way she would get very passionate about politics. He loved how beautiful she was, inside and out. He loved her.

And Min Yoongi had always been untouchable.

So, it was easy not to think about him. It was easy to stop reaching out once they started to move on with their lives. When Namjoon had heard that Yoongi became a producer, it was easy for Namjoon to pretend he didn't care.

It was so, so easy because their relationship once they stopped living together became tinted with a tension of some kind that Namjoon has never been able to explain.

A missed opportunity. That's what Yoongi was.

Yoongi is Namjoon's missed opportunity.

And now they're sitting in a restaurant together, five months after Namjoon has gotten divorced.

Finally, Namjoon replies. "Thanks, hyung. So, are you still producing? Or have you gone back to playing your guitar in university stairwells?"

Yoongi lets out a soft laugh. "If I remember correctly, you loved when I did that. But yes, I'm still producing. I still use a pseudonym."

"Suga, right?"

"That's me."

"I saw you helped produce for Suran and IU. What's it like being famous, hyung?"

Yoongi's cheeks redden and he clears his throat. "You're keeping tabs on me?"

Namjoon blinks and ducks his head, feeling suddenly very warm. "Of course. I mean. If I notice it, I notice it, you know? Yeah. I don’t know. I'm proud of you."

"That means a lot, Namjoon. Thank you." Yoongi's voice sounds so earnest that Namjoon looks back up to take him in. Yoongi is… Yoongi is just…. "What about you? Are you still writing?"

Namjoon feels like Yoongi already knows the answer when he asked but Namjoon swallows something heavy and answers anyway. "No, not really. Every now and then whenever inspiration strikes, but I guess you could say inspiration hasn't been coming to me as much anymore."

"Have you tried?"

Namjoon stops short at the question. Has he tried? Has he? Namjoon thinks back on how many times he's sat down in the past couple of years and tried to write, instead of it just waiting for the inspiration to come around.

He thinks he can count the number of times on one hand.

That's the thing about Min Yoongi and that's the thing about Kim Namjoon. They were always like this, right from the start. Always so open and willing to talk about anything with each other. Even when it hurt. Even when it made Namjoon's heart race faster and faster with anxiety or something else that Namjoon can't identify.

They always wanted to bring out the best in each other.

"No," Namjoon replies. "No, I haven't really tried. Not anymore."

"You should. We could—"

"We could."

Yoongi looks surprised, but the smile he gives Namjoon is one of Namjoon's favorites and always has been. "Yeah?"

A pause. Then, Namjoon nods, confirming it for himself as well.

"Yeah. It's been a while after all, right?"

Yoongi laughs. "Right."

And that's the thing about Min Yoongi.

Even though it's been years since he's been in Namjoon's life, he slips right back into place as if he never left.

Namjoon first met Yoongi in one of their dorm's stairwells where Yoongi had been softly playing his guitar. Namjoon had nearly tripped over him when coming down the stairs and Yoongi had somehow blamed him, which caused Namjoon to only become agitated with the strange man playing his guitar in a public stairwell. That is until they both calmed down. That is until Namjoon focused his gaze on the few rings on Yoongi's fingers and the earrings in his ears and the way his black hair fell a little past his ears.

Namjoon has asked Yoongi what he was playing and why he was playing it in a stairwell of all places and Yoongi had replied saying his roommate didn't like when he played music in the room.

Namjoon had replied he wouldn't mind.

And the rest was history.

Of course, nothing is ever as simple as it seemed. It took time for the two of them to fully trust each other but at the same time it took no time for them to fit themselves into each other's lives. Namjoon had been in his second year of college. Yoongi in his third. And by sheer coincidence or divine intervention, Namjoon and Yoongi had the same major (music production) which led to them having many classes together.

They were roommates for two years only.

But in those two years Namjoon realized that not only did he like men but also that he didn't like himself as much as he attempted to.

Yoongi had always been there for him in those moments, though. Just as Namjoon had been there for Yoongi's moments.

They supported each other, encouraged each other, and at one point, Namjoon realized that he even lo—

Then, Yoongi moved out, and they promised to stay in touch, and they did, at first, but then they didn't. Yoongi and Namjoon had never been the texting type. Their friendship always stemmed from them hanging out in person together whether it was them going to get a few drinks or trying our restaurants or going to parties or making music or watching a new film that had just been released that neither were particularly interested in, but wanted to see anyway, just to see it.

So, their lives went separate ways and Namjoon became so caught up in everything else that he stopped reaching out. He heard Yoongi started dating a new guy from their friend Hoseok. He heard that the new guy's name was Seokjin.

And then Namjoon met Yujin, and he fell in love in a different way with her, and even though it didn't feel the same as before, he knew—he knew—that he loved her. He knew that he wanted to be with her.

Until he didn't, but at that point, it had been too late, hadn't it? They were getting older and all of Namjoon's friends were already beginning to settle down and it just seemed like the next step, didn't it? To settle down with the person you've found and start a life together.

Divorce hadn't been in that plan. Divorce wasn't supposed to happen.

But it did.

It did.

Namjoon starts writing again. He gives up on the job search, gets a part-time job at a local corner shop twice a week, and starts writing again.

Namjoon finds that he has more to write about than he thought.

He writes about love, but from a point of view that doesn't feel personal. He writes about what he thinks it could be or what is used to be, Namjoon doesn't know. He writes about life, reminiscent of his writings when he was younger. He writes about himself, but it isn't himself, not really, but still, he writes.

Yoongi begins to become a more permanent fixture in Namjoon's life. He comes over one day, after Namjoon's finally unpacked everything, and brings a few house plants for Namjoon, claiming that his apartment needed a bit more life in it.

When Yoongi leaves that day, Namjoon writes about him. It's the first time he's so purposefully written about someone else. It's the first time Namjoon knows it's personal.

The thing about Min Yoongi is that Namjoon is still attracted to him. Namjoon doesn't think that ever really went away. It'd be hard for it to, after all, with how quickly Namjoon had been drawn to Yoongi when they first met, but Namjoon's been attracted to a lot of people in his life and when he's with someone, he doesn't care about being attracted to anyone that isn't his partner.

Except with Yoongi it's always felt so different. With Yoongi, Namjoon felt like he could be himself completely. Namjoon respected Yoongi so much that sometimes it felt like it was even more than love.

At times, honestly, being around Yoongi felt overwhelming just because of how much Namjoon wanted to say to him.

When they start working on songs together after Yoongi shows Namjoon his studio, Namjoon almost says something. When Yoongi brings him coffee in the mornings, just to stop by and say hello before going to work, Namjoon almost says something. When Yoongi sits down with him and talks about everything they missed out on with each other, Namjoon almost says something.

But Namjoon still isn't sure what he'd say in the first place so he says nothing at all.

He stays absolutely quiet.

"You know, nine months after a divorce could technically be called a divorce baby."

Namjoon turns around when he hears Seokjin's voice. "That's the first thing you're going to say to me after I so lovingly invited you to my party?"

Seokjin is grinning and is as handsome as ever and before Namjoon can ask or say anything else, a familiar face appears by his side.

"Jeongguk?"

Jeongguk gapes at him. "Oh! Mr. Kim, I didn't realize you were the Namjoon that was hosting this. Hi, sorry, I'm Seokjin's boyfriend."

Namjoon laughs, throwing an incredulous look at Seokjin who looks just as confused.

"Why do you two know each other?"

"He was my real estate agent," Namjoon snorts. He looks back at Jeongguk. "Also, please just call me hyung, it's okay. How did the two of you meet?"

Seokjin laughs. "He was my real estate agent."

"Hyung! You're here."

And there's Yoongi.

Namjoon watches as they both hug and smile at each other and Seokjin introduces Yoongi to Jeongguk who's red with all of the attention.

"So, who else is here?" Seokjin asks finally, looking around at the empty room.

"You two are the first ones here. Jimin and Taehyung are stopping by too, they're my neighbors and very easy to get along with. A few of Yoongi's friends from work are coming over. Hoseok is coming over, too."

"Jimin is a menace," Yoongi grumbles, which pulls a laugh from all three of them.

"You love him now entertain your ex-boyfriend and his new boyfriend while I prep the snacks."

Yoongi huffs but complies, and Namjoon grins at him.

He never got to have parties when he lived with Yujin. Not that he was a big party type or cared, but they never got to have an official housewarming party when they moved into together because they just never talked about it. Namjoon thinks if he were to go back in time and try again, he'd push for that.

Although, Namjoon thinks if he were able to go back in time, he'd change a lot more than that.

The party starts to truly begin an hour after Seokjin and Jeongguk's arrival and it's when Taehyung and Jimin are obviously throwing themselves all over Jeongguk that Seokjin comes up to him, a bit tipsy and light-hearted.

"You're a good man, Namjoon," he says, and Namjoon can tell he means it. Seokjin looks so flushed that Namjoon almost wants to sit him down or call Yoongi over to ask what he should do. "I understand now. I mean I always did, but I understand now."

Namjoon gives him a confused smile. "Understand what?"

"Why Yoongi broke up with me. I understand. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for you, too. Both of you, I'm happy for. Be good to him, yeah?"

The words leave Namjoon absolutely breathless and he turns to find Yoongi in the room, spotting him immediately and seeing he's making conversation with people from his work that Namjoon's only met a few times.

Yoongi looks gorgeous tonight. He dressed up a bit and he's wearing the shoes Namjoon bought him for his birthday a few months ago and Namjoon thinks that maybe Yoongi isn't as unattainable as he previously believed.

Maybe….

"What are you doing standing over here all by yourself?"

It's Hoseok and Hoseok is smiling at him and Namjoon is about to say that he isn't by himself, Seokjin is with me, but then he sees Seokjin has already moved on from him. Namjoon clears his throat, his fingers tightening around the beer he's holding.

"Just thinking. Are you having fun?"

Hoseok nods. "Of course I am. Are you?"

And Namjoon looks toward Yoongi again and he stills when he sees that Yoongi's already looking at him. Yoongi is just—

"I'm having fun," Namjoon finally replies, facing Hoseok with a big smile. Namjoon isn't lying but for some reason he feels like he is. For some reason, he suddenly feels so anxious and so bare, and he wonders if Hoseok can see right through him.

Instead, Hoseok just grabs his arm and pulls him back into the life of the party, and that's all there is to it.

Love, for all intents and purposes, is much harder than Namjoon thought it would be.

In university, Namjoon first discovered the meaning of the word when Yoongi would smile at him in that way that Namjoon felt was only for him. Yoongi always made Namjoon feel so special and it was only two months into knowing the other man that Namjoon had the realization that he liked men, that he was attracted to men, but more importantly, that he was attracted to Yoongi.

Namjoon hadn't been surprised when he figured it out, when he read his own words that so clearly stated his yearning for the man he lived with.

Namjoon had been surprised because he didn't know what this meant for his life now. Much like how his divorce with Yujin went. How did this affect his life now? What did this mean for Kim Namjoon?

What was Namjoon supposed to do now?

In all honesty, Namjoon doesn't know the full reason why he and Yoongi stopped talking. A part of him blames Yoongi for not trying harder. The other part of him blames himself.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to happen. Maybe it wasn't their time yet.

Still. Namjoon swallows and it hurts because Yoongi is here with him and Namjoon feels like he's lying.

"Hyung?" he suddenly hears himself asking. "Could you look at some of these songs I've written? I want your opinion."

Yoongi stands up from where he'd been working on his computer and heads over to Namjoon, placing his hand on Namjoon's shoulder.

"Let me see."

Namjoon hands him his notebook and sits, waiting with bated breaths. The thing about Min Yoongi and love is that they go hand in hand.

The thing about Namjoon, though, is that Yoongi always makes him open up, even to himself.

In university, Namjoon didn't know what to do about his sexuality or his identity, but it was Yoongi that reassured him that it didn't have to be the most important thing. It didn't have to control what Namjoon did or didn't do in his future.

Namjoon's never been good at not being himself.

He came out as bisexual and it felt like a safety net. Then, Yoongi moved out over a year later. Then, Namjoon met Yujin.

And Namjoon loved Yujin. He did. He loved Yujin. He loves Yujin.

But it was—

It was—

"These are good, Namjoon. I'm impressed. Are you thinking about moving futher on with them? Hyung can help you."

Namjoon swallows and it hurts because Yoongi is right here with him and Namjoon doesn't want to lie anymore.

"They're about you."

Yoongi's grip on Namjoon's shoulder momentarily tightens. Then, "What?"

Namjoon doesn't want to lie anymore.

"They're about you. All of the ones you're reading, they're about you. I'm writing love songs about you, hyung. You know what that means, right?"

Namjoon isn't even looking at Yoongi. He doesn't even try to. He just talks and he talks and he keeps talking, no longer lying. "And I think you know exactly what I mean. I think that maybe you feel something for me too. If what Seokjin said is true and with how you've been treating me, with how you've always treated me, I think… fuck, I don't know. But I think you do. You know."

"Namjoon." Yoongi's voice is so quiet, so soft.

"And I think I'm gay, hyung." Namjoon is crying now, but he can't find it in himself to stop. He wouldn't know how to anyway. "I think, all along, I've been gay. Because I think about the way I loved Yujin and I think about the way it felt being with her and I think about the way I've been feeling like my entire life was set up for me from the start and I think that maybe I never knew myself as well as I thought. That's why Yujin left me. I think she knew I was gay before I even did."

Yoongi is kneeling on the ground now and he's taken Namjoon's face in his hands. Namjoon finally lets himself look at him, finally lets himself see the tears in Yoongi's eyes as well.

"You don't have to have everything figured out, Namjoon. It's like I said ten years ago. You're exactly who you need to be. Never feel guilty for that."

Namjoon reaches up, placing his hand on top of Yoongi's, and then he's clearing his throat, trying not to cry anymore as he asks whether or not he can kiss him. And Yoongi's answer is obvious in his gaze and Namjoon doesn't wait, leaning forward and pressing his lips against Yoongi's.

Yoongi's lips are slightly chapped, but it makes sense, the weather has been hot and dry recently, not like it usually is, and Namjoon bets his own are as well, but it doesn't matter because then Yoongi is opening his mouth and slipping his tongue into Namjoon's.

Yoongi lets out a low groan and Namjoon remembers the first time Yoongi rapped for him, the way his voice would growl, and Namjoon thinks this is just like that, but so very, very different.

"We can talk about this if you want," Namjoon mumbles. "I didn't mean—"

Yoongi takes Namjoon's lower lip in his and bites at it. "Later, yeah? That good, baby?"

"Yeah," Namjoon breathes out.

Namjoon stands up, bringing his hands under Yoongi's thighs to lift him up as well, and he walks them to his bedroom.

He hopes the bed will be okay. It isn't the same expensive one he used to own with Yujin. That one had been too big to fit inside his apartment.

Namjoon lays Yoongi down on the bed and Yoongi is already shuffling out of his clothes so fast that Namjoon almost can't keep up.

"Namjoon, please."

"Do you want me to? Me?" Namjoon feels like such an idiot for asking it, but he's only ever had sex with one guy before Yoongi and Namjoon doesn't even remember it, not really, he had been too drunk.

Yoongi has pushed himself off the bed, leaning on his arms and he's just looking at Namjoon. "If you want to. I'm okay with whatever. Do you want me to top?"

Namjoon swallows, trying to imagine Yoongi inside him, and his cock hardens at the thought, but he feels nervous thinking about it, too. He's never… he doesn't….

"It's okay, Namjoon. You can top. We can try that later if you want. Or never. Whatever you want, okay, baby?"

Namjoon nods. "Okay."

"Do you need me to help you? Do you have lube?"

Namjoon nods again. "Y-yeah. I'll get it."

Yoongi waits for Namjoon to get it by completely undressing himself. When Namjoon returns, he stills, his breathing stopping short because the thing about Min Yoongi is that he's fucking beautiful, and like this, naked and bare, pale skin flushed pink, Namjoon thinks Yoongi is the sexiest person he's ever seen before.

Yoongi watches Namjoon as he gets undressed, urging him on with loving words, and at one point, Namjoon feels so hard that he thinks he might cum right then and there. God, Namjoon feels as pathetic as their first meeting in that barbeque restaurant ten months ago. It's like he's a virgin all over again.

"It's okay, Namjoon. It's okay, it's okay, I love you."

Namjoon freezes, something hot hot hot making a home in the pit of Namjoon's stomach, chest, body. "You love me?"

Yoongi nods and nods again. "I love you, Namjoon. So much. Always have. Always will. We can talk about it later. We can talk about everything later, but please."

Hearing Yoongi beg is something Namjoon never thought he wanted to hear, but now Namjoon wants to hear him do it over and over and over again.

"Okay," Namjoon agrees and fuck, loving someone as much as he loves Yoongi hurts. "Okay. Okay, hyung," and Yoongi's legs spread open.

Namjoon takes his time. Not because he planned to, but because he doesn't want to hurt Yoongi, doesn't want to do something that ruins this opportunity, ruins the fact that Min Yoongi loves him.

At one point, Yoongi grabs onto his cock and pumps it, making Namjoon cum before Namjoon's even inside of him. Namjoon puts a third finger into him after he does that and Yoongi groans again, tilting his head back and exposing his neck.

Pathetically, Namjoon almost wants to start crying. Luckily, he doesn't, and after another fifteen or twenty minutes of just stretching Yoongi open with his fingers, Yoongi is finally shaking so uncontrollably that he's demanding Namjoon put his cock in him already.

It isn't like the sex he had with Yujin, who was a warm, wet, and open heat around him. It isn't like the sex he had with that one guy whose name Namjoon is glad he doesn't remember. It isn't like sex he's ever had before, and when Namjoon fully pushes himself inside, Yoongi wrapping his legs around his back immediately and giving another low groan, Namjoon starts tearing up.

Yoongi notices immediately, reaching up and wiping at his tears, and he says that he loves Namjoon again and again, and Namjoon thrusts in and out, slowly and then quickly, hoping that Yoongi can tell how much this means to Namjoon.

How much Namjoon has never felt more like himself than when he's with Yoongi.

When they both come down, Namjoon pulls out, wrapping himself up in Yoongi who wraps himself up in him, and for the first time in Namjoon's life, love feels easy.

Love feels natural.

It takes an entire year for Namjoon to finally cry over his divorce with Yujin. The day is inconspicuous and unimportant but when he goes to check the date, he realizes that it's already been a year. An entire year since the woman that he used to love was in his apartment and said she was off to do whatever she wanted.

Namjoon cries. It isn't an ugly or pretty cry and it doesn't last too long or too short, but he lies in his bed and he cries and his heart that used to feel so empty aches with how it no longer does.

When he finally stops crying, not even a full ten minutes later, he picks up his phone and calls Yoongi.

"Namjoon?"

"Yoongi? Do you work today?"

"Yeah, but I can go in later. Why? Do you need me?"

Namjoon doesn't, but he does, so he tells him so, and Yoongi is saying that he'll be over soon.

Namjoon's been dating Yoongi for a couple of months already. The night after they spent together, they said they loved each other again and again.

Yoongi had explained what Seokjin had meant. Had explained how Yoongi loved Namjoon all throughout college and even after. Explained how he didn't want to say anything earlier because he knew Namjoon was still finding who he was. Explained how awkward he felt trying to reach out to Namjoon after he had already moved out

Yoongi said he started dating Seokjin because he thought that he could love Seokjin the way he loved Namjoon. He explained how much he tried to, how he tried so hard to have chase that same feeling, but when Namjoon invited him to his wedding party, Yoongi realized that would never be true.

Yoongi realized he still loved Namjoon and because of that, it was unfair to keep dating Seokjin.

Yoongi had cried and he had laughed when he talked about hurting one of his best friend's hearts with the break-up, but Namjoon had held onto him and said he understood.

Because he did.

After all, Yujin had been Namjoon's friend before they started dating.

When Yoongi shows up, Namjoon can't help but smile.

"Hey," he greets, letting Yoongi in with an easy heart.

"Hey yourself. Are you okay?" Yoongi asks, quickly pushing off his shoes and wandering into Namjoon's bedroom, pulling Namjoon along with him.

They fall onto the bed together, their legs tangling together, and Namjoon sighs.

"I'm okay. I just… I guess it finally hit me. That Yujin is no longer in my life. It's already been a year, did you know that?" Namjoon laughs half-heartedly. He sighs again. "I just miss her, hyung. I really do."

Yoongi settles his hand in Namjoon's hair. He hums. "You should text her, Namjoon. Talk to her."

"But—"

"She offered, didn't she? She wouldn't have done that without any reason, baby."

Namjoon knows he's right. He knows Yujin could have so easily cut him off completely. Namjoon just doesn't know if he deserves it.

"I feel guilty. Like, maybe it is all my fault. I feel bad for not knowing who I was earlier. I should have known. I should have known so early on, but I just led her on. I married her and then broke her heart because I couldn't be who she wanted me to be. She told me she never felt like her own person."

"You didn't feel like your own person either, Namjoon. From everything you've told me, as soon as you started dating her, you felt like you were supposed to. That isn't being your own person, Namjoon. That's just being who you thought you should have been. She is probably the only person who will ever understand everything that you've felt and are feeling. Text her."

Namjoon doesn't reply and Yoongi lets the conversation end, and after a few hours pass of lazy napping and gentle kisses, Yoongi leaves for work.

Being with Yoongi is easy. Living with Yoongi is easy. Working alongside in the studio together with Yoongi is easy.

Yoongi has started teaching Namjoon how to play guitar. He likes to laugh at how bad Namjoon is in the beginning, but he's patient and gentle, and sometimes he holds Namjoon's hands in his own, and Namjoon can tell how much Yoongi loves Namjoon, too.

Being with Yoongi is easy.

Loving Yoongi is easy.

And Namjoon doesn't know what his future holds for him. He doesn't know what will happen now that he's divorced or now that he's dating a man he fell in love with over a decade ago. He doesn't know if he'll change again or always know himself as well as he thinks he does now.

Namjoon has no idea.

But, for all intents and purposes, Namjoon is finally okay with that.

So, after staying in bed for another hour, he finally grabs his phone and scrolls, for the first time in a year, down to Yujin's number. He pauses, staring at her name and her profile picture. It's a picture of the two of them from before they even started dating.

Namjoon takes a deep breath.

Pulls up her number.

And texts her.

Fifteen minutes later, she texts him back.