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Gleaming
Twinkling
Eyes like sinking ships
On waters, so inviting
I almost jump in
From the moment Esti Kuperman met Ronit Krushka, she knew her life would never be the same. A wildfire, from her infectious laugh to her disheveled hair and penchant for mischief, everything about the girl screamed stay back, but instead, Esti fell.
But I don't like a gold rush, gold rush
I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush
I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch
Everybody wants you
Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you
Ronit rushes past, huffing and puffing over something her father had said at the last service.
“How dare he?! Just because he’s the Almighty Rav doesn’t give him the right to act so pretentious!” Ronit paced and ranted, furious. “A father to the community? Yeah, right. It’d be nice if he practiced what he preached!”
Friday’s usually went like this; they’d walk home together alone, and Ronit would rage and Esti would listen quietly, nod when it seemed appropriate. Even while in a flurry of emotion, something about Ronit’s passion was captivating. Her rage, her fears, hell, even her ability to actually vocalize her frustrations made Esti fall even harder. She wished she could help calm her down, be the one to truly help Ronit, to wrap her up, and make her forget about her anger entirely.
Instead, Esti would remain nodding, and after their “debrief,” Ronit would leave and sneak off into the city. Esti never really knew where she went or how she’d made friends outside of the community, just that she wasn’t concerned about being caught as the Rav was too busy to care.
The next day, Ronit would rave about her time: the boys she’d met, the places she’d danced. Her neck would be littered with dark bruises, and Esti would sink deeper in shame. That could’ve been her, if she’d had the courage: her lips soothing Ronit’s aches. Besides longing, there were the clear coils of jealousy wrapping around her heart. The idea that strangers who were undoubtedly unworthy got to experience the greatest feeling she’d never known? Awful.
Walk past, quick brush
I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush
I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush
Everybody wants you
But I don't like a gold rush
There are rare moments though, where Esti thinks she sees Ronit glancing at her; when they’re running around, in the dim light when changing for one of their many sleepovers, Esti thinks she can glimpse the shorter girl’s eyes raking over her body.
“What?” she says, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Maybe she’s comparing me Esti muses.
“Nothing!” Ronit exclaims, a light blush visible on her cheeks. “You’re so beautiful, Esti.”
Her heart soars; it takes several moments to compose her thoughts, repeating her words over and over. “Thanks… I’m sure you say that to all the pretty girls you meet”
“Maybe I do,” Ronit chuckles. “But trust me, no one has ever compared to you, Esti”
She’s not sure if she’s nauseous or overstimulated, but she smiles lightly and gets into bed, turning away. She prays her breathing doesn’t obviously give away the way her pulse pounds from the praise.
What must it be like
To grow up that beautiful?
With your hair falling into place like dominos
She knew they could never end up together.
A few years had passed, it was the eve of Ronit’s 18th birthday, and she had her great escape planned. They’d started sleeping together a year ago. The most memorable nights of Esti’s existence: getting the privilege to be one with Ronit, finally entering her orbit. She felt a bit like Icarus, being consumed by Ronit’s passion, scorching her, sending her soaring then crashing down to earth… but Esti wouldn’t have it any other way.
I see me padding 'cross your wooden floors
With my Eagles t-shirt hanging from the door
At dinner parties
I call you out on your contrarian shit
And the coastal town
We wandered 'round had never
Seen a love as pure as it
But in the end, she knew that was all there was to it: night after night, she inevitably fell, burned by the thought that soon Ronit would be gone and that she would be left alone. Until then, she’d savor every touch, every kiss; she knew soon it’d be their last, and that was okay.
In another universe, perhaps she would convince Ronit to steal away with her. Esti was afraid and content to live in this dream, getting lost between fantasy and reality, just knowing a happy ending wasn’t for them but holding on to the narrow vision of one anyway..
In another universe, she’d be brave.
In another universe, they’d run.
And then it fades into the gray of my day-old tea
'Cause you know it could never be.