Chapter Text
Howard woke to the sound of Steve breathing. It was a dry, raspy sound, like he was trying to draw breath and failing, and it made the hair on Howard’s body stand on end.
“Steve,” he whispered into the darkness, but the only response was another rasp. He reached over to turn on the lamp, even though every part of him was screaming no. no, don’t. But he had to, he knew he did.
He turned on the light, blinking rapidly until his eyes adjusted, then, with a shaking hand, pulled back the covers.
No!
Howard opened his mouth to scream, but all he could manage was an agonized inhalation of breath.
It couldn’t be Steve, It couldn’t it couldn’t, it couldn’t. But it could, a traitorous part of his mind said, as he stared down at the boy, who was little more than paper-thin skin stretched over bone, eyes milky and listless, hair dull. A living, breathing skeleton.
“Steve,” he said, swallowing back bile.
Steve opened his mouth and Howard knew, he knew, he knew, oh, God, he didn’t want to hear. He didn’t! But Steve opened his mouth.
“Hungry,” Steve rasped in a broken, *needy* voice. “H-Howard, I’m so hungry. Please, Howard, *please.*”
*****
Howard woke to the sound of his own choked off gasp, his heart pounding in his chest, his face wet with sweat and tears. He reached out frantically, groping at Steve’s side of the bed, but it was empty. Of course it was empty, he thought as he turned on the light, and frantically wiped his face. A week after their fight and Steve was still mad at him.
Steve was fine. He would have heard otherwise. Sarah would tell him if Steve… Wouldn’t she?
He tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in his throat; it sounded like a sob.
Oh, to hell with it! He grabbed his phone and hit the speed dial.
“Pick up, Pick up, pick up, pick—“
“‘Lo?” Steve said, in a sleep-soft voice.
“It’s me.” He slumped back onto his pillows.
“Howard? It’s…It’s four in the morning. What— Are you okay? Is Tony okay?”
‘Fine, everyone’s fine.” His eyes stung and he rubbed them.
There was silence on the other end.
“Steve?”
“Why are you calling me at four in the morning?” There wasn’t any anger in his voice, just curiosity.
“I had a nightmare.” And, God, that sounded so stupid, but his voice was thick with emotion and his heart was still racing. “It felt so real and I wanted… I wanted to make sure you were all right. You’re all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” There was a slight pause, then, “Are you all right, Howard?”
No. He didn’t know.
“Are you coming over today?” he asked instead. “I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. I got a few things to do after school, but I’ll be by around dinnertime.”
“Okay.” He strained to hear Steve breathe.
“I’m going back to bed, Howard.”
“I love you.”
Steve sighed and said, “I love you, too,” before ending the call.
He tossed his phone on the bed and scrubbed at his mouth. His hands were still shaking.
*****
Howard couldn’t concentrate. His nerves jittered and jangled and, God, he hadn’t felt this edgy since college. He spent most of the workday hassling R&D until Obadiah came down, pulled him aside, and told him to go the fuck home before one of his employees tried out a few weapons on him.
When he got home, he fried three circuit boards and an engine.
It was pathetic, *He* was pathetic, but he kept flashing on that damn dream and he just wanted to be sure Steve was all right.
He didn’t care. He just…He didn’t care that when Steve walked into the house, it felt like two tons of fucking issues was lifted off his shoulder because Steve looked good. Steve looked perfect.
Steve was perfect.
And he didn’t care if Steve was still mad at him. He just… he cupped Steve’s face and kissed him hard.
“I missed you,” he said, his voice trembling. “I missed you so goddamn much. Are you still pissed at me?”
“No,” Steve replied softly. “No, and I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know... I know you’re only trying to protect me because you love me.”
“Yes. Jesus, yes.” He slipped his hands under Steve’s shirt to feel the warmth of his skin and the hard planes of his chest. He felt giddy, drunk, and he laughed before swiping his tongue against Steve’s mouth. “I love you. Are you hungry?”
Steve laughed and nuzzled Howard’s mouth. “What’s with you trying to fatten me up? You got a new food kink or something?”
“Or something. Do you mind?”
“No.” Steve smiled and Howard kissed him again, quick and hard. “I could eat.”
*****
"We could do stuff with food," Steve said later, as they lounged in bed. "Maybe something with chocolate sauce or honey."
"I don't have a food kink." Howard stretched and Steve poked him in the chest.
"Are you saying you don't want to lick chocolate sauce off my stomach?"
"Babe, I'll lick whatever you want off your stomach. I'm just saying it's not my kink." Howard batted Steve's hand away, then turned and bit him on his right pec, just to hear his breath stutter out of him. "*That* is a kink."
"But…" Steve bit his lip. "You don't mind?"
He laughed, pushed Steve onto his back, and then straddled him. "Oh, Steve, we've moved way beyond that question. But, in case you need to hear it, I don't mind."
"Really?"
"Really." He leaned down and kissed Steve's nose. "There are things I don't ever want to do again, but you know about those. What about you? Have I done things that you've minded?"
"No." Steve wiggled his hips and Howard could feel him rising to the occasion. "Just… stopping. We could do more. I want to do more."
"All in due time. We have… plenty of time to explore." Years, he almost said years.
"Yeah." Steve looked thoughtful again, which was always trouble. "I want to ask you something."
"You can ask me anything," he said softly.
"You know so much about me. Practically everything." Steve ran his hands up and down Howard's thighs.
"And you want me to write my memoirs? Or maybe you want to read my diary?"
Steve rolled his eyes. "I want to shadow you at work."
"Really?" Howard said, surprised. "It's boring. I spend all day in meetings or doing paperwork."
"I don't care. I want to see what you do. I mean, it's your company. I know it's important to you."
"You're important to me." It was sickening, the words that were coming out of his mouth. "Your mom won't mind?"
"I'll tell her it's for a school project." Steve smiled at him. "Is that a yes?"
He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'll set something up."
"Great! Are you up for another round?"
No, he wasn't. But that's what the handy dandy vibrator was for.
*****
Steve wore his Sunday best: a black suit that was too tight at the shoulders and shiny shoes that he obviously didn’t wear very often. In his hands were two coffees and a bag.
“I brought bagels,” Steve said, because of course he’d bring bagels. And coffee. Because he was ridiculous. He set a cup in front of Howard. “It’s a misto, I already put in the sugar. And the bagel place didn’t have any whole wheat left, so I got you a sesame seed instead.”
He even remembered the strawberry cream cheese.
“You didn’t have to—I could have had this delivered.” Not that he would have.
“I know.” Steve smiled and took a sip of his coffee. “Lorraine’s nice. Do you think she’ll want some cream cheese?”
“You bought her a bagel? What am I saying? Of course you bought her a bagel. Coffee, too, I bet.”
“It’s only polite.”
“Why don’t you ask her about the cream cheese? And let her know that I’m ready for the morning run through.”
“Okay.” Steve glanced at the closed door of his office, then pressed a soft kiss to his mouth.
Sometimes, he forgot how dangerous Steve could be, then the kid would kiss him like that, sweet and unassuming, and Howard’s brain would stutter to a complete stop.
Dangerous.
*****
Howard told Steve it was boring, and it was, purposefully. But Steve didn't seem to mind one bit, or if he did, he didn't show it.
In the midst of signing some paperwork, he looked up and Steve was watching him, smiling fondly.
"What?" he asked, giving Steve a puzzled look.
"Nothing. You just look very intense."
Howard snorted and wiggled his fingers to keep them from cramping. "Right. Are you sure you don't want me to find someone to give you a tour? This can't be fun."
"I'm all right. I like seeing this side of you." Steve leaned back in his chair and stretched.
"And what side is that?"
Steve shrugged. "I've seen the aviator, the inventor/engineer, the lover, and the father. And now I get to see the businessman."
"You're strange, you know that don't you?" But even as he said it, he flushed with pleasure.
"You love me anyway."
Oh, he did. It was frightening how much he did. He opened his mouth to say so, when the door flew open and Obadiah came into the room, brandishing a sheaf of paper.
"Have you seen this? Have you seen this bullshit that Roxxon is trying to pull?" Obadiah tossed the papers in front of Howard, then gave a slight double-take when he saw Steve.
"Hello to you, too, Obi." Howard picked up the papers—contracts—and flipped through them. "Oh, Obi, this is—"
"Steve, yes, I know. We've met a couple of times. How are ya, kid?"
Steve straightened in his seat, his expression bland. That was… weird. "I'm fine, thank you, sir."
"I didn't know Tony was here." Obi frowned.
"He's not. Steve's shadowing me for a class project."
"Oh? Are you enjoying yourself?" Obadiah leaned his hip against Howard's desk and smiled down at Steve.
"I'm having a very nice time, Mr. Stane."
"Steve, Steve, Steve, I told you, call me Obi." He moved to touch Steve's shoulder, but before he could Steve got to his feet and moved so that the chair was between them.
Wow, that was practically rude.
"I really wouldn’t be very comfortable with that, Mr. Stane." Steve turned to Howard. "Would you like me to step into the other room while you talk to Mr. Stane, Howard?"
Oh, no, there was no practically about it.
"No, no, that's fine." He looked at Obi. "I wouldn’t worry too much about this. Roxxon's just trying to play hardball. They just haven't realized they're outmatched. We'll get them where we want them."
"I hope you're right."
Howard smirked at him. "Have I ever been wrong?"
Obi laughed. "Rarely. Want to get a drink after work?"
"Can't. I've got to make sure this one gets home all right." He gestured to Steve. "I promised Tony I'd take care of him."
"Ail right. We'll talk later. Goodbye, Steve."
"Sir." Steve kept his distance until Obi left the room, then he flopped back into his chair.
"Wow. That was… I don’t think I've ever seen you be rude before."
"I wasn't rude!"
"Oh, you were rude. You were so very, very rude." Howard laughed and leaned back in his chair. "So you don't like Obi, huh?"
Steve shrugged and rubbed his fingers against the top of Howard's desk.
"Why not?" he asked, because, really, except for their competitors and four ex-wives, everyone liked Obi.
Steve bit his lower lip and looked thoughtful. "He's a liar."
"Steve, he's in business. Of course he's a liar. *I'm* a liar."
"Not to your friends, not to the people you love." Steve looked at him. "He's not nice."
"Did he…" Howard narrowed his eyes. "Did he do something to you?"
"No! No, he just… He pretends to be nice, but he… He's not." Steve let out a huff of frustration. "I'm not explaining it right. Tony says he cheats on his wives."
"Steve," he said gently, "I cheated on Maria. A lot."
"I know." Steve looked out the window and tilted his head.
“And that’s it?” Howard asked hesitantly. “He cheats on his wives and is a liar? That’s why you don’t like him?”
Steve nodded slowly, but didn’t look at Howard.
“Obi’s a good friend and… a business partner, but if he did something that made you uncomfortable, you could tell me. I…” For a moment, he couldn’t speak. He swallowed hard. “I’d believe you.”
“What?” Steve looked at him and frowned. “What are you—Oh! Oh, no! Howard, no. He never—“ He wrinkled his nose. “Mr. Stane never— I’d tell you if he, you know. He’s just creepy.”
“If you’re sure, Steve.”
Steve sighed and rolled his eyes. Then he looked out the window again. "Do you ever try to spy on people from up here? You know, with binoculars or a telescope?"
As changes in subject went, it was inelegant, but if Steve didn’t want to talk about it, he’d table it. For now. "No, I can't say that I have."
There was an awkward pause; Howard shuffled the papers in front of him and cleared his throat. Thank goodness for Lorraine. She popped her head in and informed him that Fujikawa was on the line for their ten-thirty call.
Afterward, he yelled at R&D via video-conference over their latest blunder, then took a last minute meeting with Colonel What’s-his-face, who just happened to be in the neighborhood. Which was bullshit, but Howard was kind enough not to call him on it.
Then, thank God, it was lunchtime.
He had Lorraine pick up some sandwiches from the shop across the street and they ate at his desk.
“I didn’t know that you could speak Japanese,” said Steve, who had finished his lunch and was stealing Howard’s chips.
“Just enough to get me into trouble.” He smacked Steve’s hand away. “Here, have my pickle instead.”
Steve snickered at that, but took it. “Is that the only foreign language you know?”
“I know a bit of Spanish and Italian, and I’m fluent in French thanks to a very lovely boarding school in Switzerland.” Howard slid half is sandwich towards Steve.
“Oh, I know French, too.” Steve shrugged “Well, I mean, I took two years at school.”
“Really?” Howard tilted his head and smiled. “Je t'aime. Et si j'avais le temps je te coucherais sur mon bureau et je te baiserais.”
Steve blinked, then a slow flush crept over his face and he glanced down at the desk. “Oh. Um. Yeah. That… I’d like that.”
*****
“So why do we have to drive out of the city in order to meet your Brain Trust, again?” Steve asked, leaning against him as they sat in the back of the town car.
“Liability. They’ve destroyed three labs in the past five years. That sort of thing makes people nervous.” Howard frowned at the screen of his smartphone and logged into his email.
“Is it safe for us to visit them?”
Howard smiled. “Perfectly safe. Relax.”
Steve hummed softly and laid his head on Howard’s shoulder. “I don’t think I’ll mention this part to my mom. She almost wouldn’t let me come.”
“I’m not surprised.” Howard pressed a kiss to Steve’s hair.
“The lawyers freaked her out. She said she felt like she was signing away our souls.”
He felt a slight twinge of guilt. “Yeah, sorry about that. I know you’re trustworthy, but It’s standard policy.”
“It’s fine.” Steve looked up at him and smiled. “If I was gonna sell my soul to anyone, it’d be you.”
“I’ll keep that in mind the next time I’m in the market for fresh souls.”
Steve chuckled and pressed warm lips against his jaw. “I might even give you a discount.”
“Discounted souls? My favorite.” He rubbed his cheek against Steve’s hair and closed his eyes. “God, you smell good.”
“You mean like soap and shampoo?”
“Yes,” he laughed, “exactly.”
They stayed like that, just like that, despite his phone’s insistent beeping, until the car stopped in front of the lab building.
The moved quickly through security because, well, he was the boss. He could admit, his pulse quickened, just a bit, as they entered the lab. God, his fingers itched to pick up a wrench or a screwdriver and get to work.
“Howard? Were we expecting you today?” A young man, Gerry, came forward, a little frown on his face.
“Yes,” he said. “My office should have sent a memo.”
“Ah.” Gerry looked guiltily at a desk covered in piles of paper. Then he blinked and stared at Steve. “New recruit?”
“No. Dr. Gerry Ellard, this is Steve Rogers. He’s a friend of Tony’s.”
“Nice to meet you.” He shook Steve’s hand. “What year are you at MIT?”
“Oh, um, I don’t go to MIT. I… I’m still in high school.”
“Steve’s following me around today and I thought I’d show off a bit by introducing him to my best and brightest. So dazzle us, Gerry.”
Gerry grinned slowly. “I’m sure we can manage that.”
Boy, did they.
*****
"They're beautiful," Steve said, peering into the tank, a slight smile on his face. "But… what do jellyfish have to do with what you do here? Do you experiment on them?"
"They're not jellyfish." Gerry reached into the tank and pulled out a bright orange specimen and held it in his cupped hands; it vibrated slightly. "It's a machine."
"A machine? But… but it looks so real." Steve reached out and lightly brushed a finger against the aboral surface. "It feels real."
Howard smiled and gently rested a hand on the small of Steve's back. "Who says science has to be cold and boring?"
"But why?"
Howard laughed and Gerry joined him. "The real question, babe, is why not?"
Gerry put it back in the water. "We're having some problems with rusting of the central core, but we think we should have a solution for that in a few months. Now, if you really care about the why, then you should see what Britta is working on. Her lab's in the next room."
They follow Gerry into the room where several metallic limbs are being tested.
"Wow! They move so naturally. Are you building robots?"
Britta, who'd been crouching behind some machinery, popped up and snorted. There was a smear of grease on her cheek. "Robots are passé. No, these artificial limbs will be used for medical purposes. Like for soldiers who may have lost a leg or arm in battle."
"Hello, Britta," Howard said.
"I was wondering when you'd show up, Howard. It's been awhile."
"I always turn up. Eventually."
"Just like a bad penny." She grinned at Howard, then held out her hand to Steve. "Dr. Britta Montoya."
Steve shook her hand. "Steve Rogers, ma'am."
She made a face. "Call me Britta. You wanna help me test these babies out?"
"Can I?" He looked at Howard, a hopeful look on his face.
"It's her project."
Steve turned to her eagerly. "Yes, please!"
"Take off your jacket and your tie." She grabbed one of the controllers. "It's just like a Wii."
*****
"You're awfully quiet," Howard said later, as they were driven back to the city.
Steve who had been looking out the window, turned toward Howard. "I'm just thinking."
"Did you have a nice time today?"
Steve smiled and took Howard's hand. "I did. I had a great time. Thank you. I know… I know this has been a real inconvenience for you."
He brought Steve's hand to his mouth and kissed it. "You could never be an inconvenience."
"You're the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company and you just rearranged your whole workday for me. You're a big fat liar."
"Hey, I told you I was." He laughed and kissed Steve's mouth.
"You did, you did." Steve sighed and wiggled closer. "Can I ask you a question?"
"What, another one?"
Steve rolled his eyes. "Do you… Does it bother you that people think you're… you're using me?"
"Do I… What?" He frowned. "Where did that come from?"
"I don't know. I guess I was just thinking about people's reactions when they find out about us. Does it bother you that people think you're taking advantage of me? That you're always the bad guy and I'm the… the victim?"
"I don't know. I guess, sometimes." Howard shook his head. "But I don’t blame you for that. I am a lot older than you are."'
"Yeah." Steve looked down at his hands. "Do you think that'll change when we… when we come out?"
"Maybe. You're young and… not well off and I'm rich. I suppose people will think you're with me for the money." Howard tensed slightly as a thought came to him. "Someone said something to you, didn't they?" And he's outraged at that, he didn't think he would be, but he was.
"No," Steve said quickly.
"Now who's being a big fat liar?"
"No one said anything to me, Howard. I swear no one said anything to me at all! They were just looking at us, at you and at me and… smirking. That's all."
"Smirking?" He narrowed his eyes at Steve, who nodded. "I still stay you're lying to me."
"I'm not. Scout's honor." Then Steve smiled at him. "We've got about fifteen minutes and I brought a condom with me. Want a blow job?"
Howard knew he should demand the truth from Steve, but the fact of the matter was, that he was a weak man. A very weak man.
*****
The nightmares were getting more frequent and complex. Every time he woke, frightened and sobbing, he'd want to call Steve.
He didn't. Not every time. But it was an issue. He knew that Steve was worried about him.
*****
Howard watched as the SHIELD scientists ran the boys thorough their tests, checking for mental agility, rather than physical this time. They were both doing well and he couldn’t help but feel a little proud of them both for the way they were holding up.
Steve grinned at him from across the room and he was just about to smile back when an agent walked over and cleared her throat.
"Yeah?" he said.
"Director Fury would like to see you, sir." She was a pretty little redhead with blue eyes the exact color of Steve's. She touched his arm and gave him a look that said she'd knock his ass out and carry him if he made a fuss. He had no doubt that she could do it, too.
"All right." Howard gestured to Steve to let him know he was stepping out for a bit. Steve nodded and flashed him another smile.
The room he was brought to was bare, except for Nick and a large tv screen that showed the boys being tested.
"That's little creepy, Nick." He stood next to Nick and they watched for a momentt.
"You look a little tired, Howard. Everything okay?" Nick didn't look at him, didn't even twitch, but Howard wasn't fooled.
"I'm fine," he said in a voice that brooked no argument.
"We've got psychologists on payroll—"
"I know." Howard thought it was a good idea, the boys were going through a lot and the needed to talk to someone, but he wasn’t sure he trusted SHIELD psychologists.
"Steve tells me you've been having nightmares."
Howard blinked as those words sunk in. "I'm sorry… what?"
Nick turned to him. "Steve's worried about you."
"He's worried about me? He's—" Howard balled his hands into fists and glared at Nick. "When the hell do you two have time for heart to hearts?"
"He didn't tell you?" Nick looked thoughtful. "The kid texts me, emails me. Hell, friended me on Facebook."
"He… He…" Howard sputtered and rubbed his temples. "Oh my God! Oh my God, this is what a brain aneurysm feels like. You're conversing with him? You—I told you to stay away from him! From both of them!"
"And I was," Nick said easily. "But he came to me."
"He… Steve came to you? Steve— That is no excuse! He's…" Howard gritted his teeth because Nick was just staring at him, an eyebrow raised, and wasn't that what other people said about the relationship between him and Steve.
"Steve came to me."
Howard took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You have to stop."
"No."
"No? Just like that?" He was trembling. There was no way his fist would connect if he took a swing at Nick.
"Yeah, just like that. The kid knows his mind, Howard. He knows what he wants and he's not going to let you or me or anybody stand in the way of that." Nick's mouth curves into a tiny smile.
"You like him!" And he didn't mean to sound so accusatory, but Nick didn't like a lot of people.
Nick's smile broadens. "What's not to like? He's a gorgeous blond haired, blue-eyed white boy who loves mom, apple pie, and America. No wonder you're fucking him, Howard. I'm straight and the kid gives *me* a hard on."
He gave Nick a dirty look and turned back to the screen. The boys were on a break and Steve was talking animatedly to Isaiah, who was laughing.
"You want to talk to a psychologist, you let me know. Agent Greer will take you back to the lab."
Howard didn't say anything the rest of the visit and Steve kept shooting him concerned looks. He waited until they got back to the mansion before pulling Steve into the den.
"You're talking to Fury about me?" he said, his voice trembling with anger. "You're talking to Nick Fury *period?*"
"Oh." Steve swallowed hard. "That's why you…"
"How dare you. How *dare* you!" He poked Steve in the chest with his finger, his voice rising. "You had no right to talk to Nick about me."
"I was worried!"
"What?" He felt something dark and ugly swell in his chest. "You think just because we're *fucking*--"
"No!" And now Steve was trembling. "I think I have a right because I love you. I love you and you're falling apart right before my eyes! And I didn’t know who else to talk to!"
"You—" But the rest of the words got caught in his throat. Steve looked at him, pale and… and…
"I'm scared. Howard, I'm scared. And I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, about us." Steve rubbed a hand across his eyes. "You sound so broken when you call me. And you won't talk about it. Mom and Tony, they don’t listen when I talk about you. And… I'm worried about you. Nick listens. He listens and he doesn’t judge you or look at me like I'm just a stupid kid who doesn't know what he's talking about."
"Fuck, Steve." He put his arms around Steve and pulled him close. He never thought about it, never considered that Steve might need someone to talk about this relationship. Someone who *wasn't* Howard. "Babe, I've been an idiot."
Steve sniffled. "Just a little."
Howard laughed and slowly rubbed his back. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm worrying you. But these nightmares, they'll pass. I just need some time."
"Can you tell me about them?" Steve pressed a kiss to his neck.
"No. No, they're… They're ugly. I don't… I don't want to talk about them with anyone." God, talking about them would make it worse, he knew it would.
"They're about me, though, aren't they?"
"Yeah." Howard concentrated on the feel of Steve's warm body, the even inhalation and exhalation of his breath.
"Would it help if I was there when you woke up from your nightmares?"
"Maybe," he confessed.
"My mom works tonight and, you know, a couple of months ago I got a double bed. The twin was getting too small. You could stay the night."
Howard sighed; Steve had been trying for most of their relationship to get Howard to stay the night at his place. "I'm going to regret this."
"It'll be great. I'll even take off the Batman sheets." When he groaned, Steve laughed. "I'm kidding. I prefer Superman."