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it happened plenty of times before, kihyun waking up to changkyun getting up in the middle of the night. sometimes noticing how heavy changkyun is breathing after he woke up and he’s always worried whenever he takes notice of changkyun waking up roughly in the car. kihyun has never asked him about it before because he doesn’t want to make the younger uncomfortable, but changkyun is always exhausted. his eyes often seem heavy to keep open, he had dark eye bags every day and the way he fell asleep immediately if they once had a chance to rest. nothing of that stayed unnoticed by the older.
kihyun knew that changkyun dealt with nightmares, but as far as he can remember, it was never as bad as the night when he finally confronted him with it. all of them knew that the youngest was quiet, someone who tends to keep his thoughts and struggles to himself and someone who prefers listening to others instead of talking himself. none of them had a problem with that, obviously they accepted it but when it came to his well-being, it was something not so easy to settle with. this night too, was one of those moments the older wanted him to talk, even if he knew he couldn’t bring him to.
kihyun woke up to the noise of soft sobs right next to him; it was changkyun crying. when he first woke up that night, he didn't realize it immediately, but after changkyun kept crying, the small tone of his deep, shaky breaths filling the room, that’s how he knew. in response, kihyun lifted his head and directed his gaze towards the younger's bed, trying to make out his surroundings in the spare moonlight coming from the window, being the only source of light illuminating their room.
"kyun?" kihyun asked gently, getting his attention. the crying stopped immediately and kihyun heard bed sheets rustling. changkyun hid under his blanket, trying to silent his sobs.
"kyunnie, what's wrong?" he asked again, now more worriedly, but he got no answer.
"changkyun, baby please talk to me… if not i'll come over." all kihyun heard after that was the younger's crying— nothing else. he knew he wouldn’t get the younger to talk that way, so there was only one thing to do. kihyun sat up, crawled to the end of his bed and stepped on the ladder, slowly climbing down not to wake up jooheon who was sleeping right below him.
seconds later, the small sound of kihyun’s steps was filling the room, quickly walking across to changkyun’s bed and climbing up the ladder afterwards. once he arrived at the top, he made his way next to the maknae who was still hiding under the covers. kihyun was careful not to hurt the smaller boy as it was still dark in the room and he couldn't see where exactly the younger was laying. finding a good position only seconds later, he lifted the blanket and snuck under, welcoming the feeling of warmth that now enclosed his own body.
"come here.” was all he said as he hugged the maknae, pulling him closer. “do you wanna tell me now? what’s going on, hm?” it didn't take very long until changkyun's arms were wrapped around his waist, hugging back his hyung in seek of any comfort he could find.
"nothing, hyung. i'm alright." he sniffled.
"you're crying, kyunnie. you're not okay. you can tell me, you know that right? everything. did you have a bad dream again? or are you not feeling well? does something hurt?" kihyun sounded so worried, but his voice also wholeheartedly caring. and god, he cared so much about his baby.
"i don't want to talk about it now, hyung. also that i woke you up… i'm sorry, i didn’t mean to. and you don't need to worry about me. i'm okay. can we go back to sleep now?" changkyun stopped crying by now, but he couldn't seem to get his breathing back in a proper rhythm. kihyun let out a soft sigh, disappointment clearly showing in his voice. changkyun knew that the older just wanted to help, he knew he could tell him anything, but that only if he wanted to. how kihyun reacted though, it didn’t make him feel better one bit, he immediately felt bad again for causing so much trouble.
"alright baby, that’s okay, i won't pressure you of course. just know that i'm always here for you if you ever need something or simply want to talk. i'll listen."
"yes, i- i know. thank you, hyung."
"no need to thank me, it’s the least i can do. you know i love you, right? and i will do anything if i can help you, you just have to keep that in mind for me. now try and go back to sleep, kyunnie. it's okay, i'm here now and i'll stay with you, okay? as long as you want me to.” kihyun said, tightening his grip around the maknae, making him feel secure in his arms.
"night, kihyun." changkyun replied, trying not to get the older worried even more. he wasn’t fine, instead he was far, far away from that, but he decided not to put this weight on anyone else’s shoulders. more than anyone— kihyun’s.
that night, quite soon actually, the older fell asleep again. he was really tired based on the long practice they had the day before, but changkyun stayed awake. he couldn’t sleep, his thoughts being louder than ever before and completely offing the chance to find any peace. by the time the older was already sound asleep again and only his soft breathing filled the surprisingly quiet room, changkyun tried his very best not to start crying again. he couldn't stop thinking about the nightmare he had and suppressing all the bad thoughts, trying to ignore all the voices screaming inside his head was simply too overwhelming. they wouldn't leave his mind. he was shaking, fiddling with the hem of kihyun's shirt while unsuccessfully trying to focus on something else to distract himself from whatever that was going on inside. he was hugging him tightly, tears already starting to build up again in his eyes.
there was a point, when the older stirred in his sleep, tightening his arms around changkyun again and he pulled him closer, letting out a soft sigh right afterwards. the younger smiled weakly at the touch.
and although changkyun felt the safest in kihyun’s arms, he couldn't fall asleep again. he was scared, his anxiety building up once the voices overtoned the silence again. throughout the whole night, all he did was to keep his focus on the older’s breathing, at the same time listening to kihyun’s regular heart beat and trying to make his own adjust to the rhythm. it did help a bit, yes, but it would never be enough.
he knew that one day, eventually, even if it’s years from now on, he wouldn’t be able to bear it anymore. changkyun knew that he’d lose, but he was sure to not tell anyone. he was past saving, no matter what he’d try, but for now he put all his energy into staying strong. not for himself, not for anyone but those six men that were the only ones able to —at least sometimes— make the voices go away, even if it’s only for a little bit.
as long as he had them around, though he wasn’t directly telling them what really went on inside his head, he would be okay; okay enough to tell himself each day to keep going— to survive just one more day.