Chapter Text
“Sirius I’m scared! Help me, please. Help me!”
Chapter 1- Guilt
**Present Day**
“Are you Sirius Orion Black?” The man in black robes and white wig asks.
“Yes.”
“Sirius Orion Black, you are charged with the murder of Remus John Lupin,” Sirius draws in a shaky breath at the name, “In regard to this offence, do you plead guilty or not guilty?”
Guilty.
“Not guilty.” His barrister, Mr Kingsley Shacklebolt, shoots him a reassuring smile. They’d discussed this, it’s not murder, his barrister and solicitor had agreed. Technically.
But it was. Sirius Orion Black murdered Remus Lupin.
“The court calls Sirius Orion Black to the stand.” Fuck. He’s missed the opening statements. He often loses time staring off into space, a side effect of six months on remand he muses as he makes his way up and swears to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The look his barrister gives him makes him stand up straighter and tune his brain back into the proceedings.
“Mr Black, what was your relationship with Mr Lupin?”
“We’re- we were a couple.” The past tense sticks in his throat as he corrects himself.
“This was a romantic relationship?”
“Yes.”
“For how long had you been in a romantic relationship with Mr Lupin?” Kingsley asks. He paces along the courtroom floor slowly, Sirius wishes he’d just stay still.
“Almost 4 years.”
1 day shy , he thinks.
~~
**4 years, 6 months and 13 days ago**
Sirius first noticed the tall curly haired man on a packed tube in the middle of winter. All the morning commuters were packed in like sardines, sweating through their layers of clothing on the stuffy underground.
It was hard not to notice the man considering he was wearing a ridiculous canary yellow woollen hat. It was pulled down over his forehead, and his brown curls poked out of the edges at every angle.
As the speaker called out the next stop and the train slowed, the man lurched to his feet and almost immediately caught Sirius gawping. Before Sirius had had the chance to look away in embarrassment, the man had winked at him, then promptly jumped off the train with a lingering grin.
Every day for the next two weeks, Sirius had been militant about catching that exact tube at that exact time. He’d told himself he was being ridiculous as he’d continued to get on at one end and walk the full length of each compartment for a glimpse of his mystery man in canary yellow. Sunny yellow.
4 times he’d seen him since. The first time, the man hadn’t noticed him again until he was about to depart the train, which gave Sirius ample ogling time as he watched long fingers tap against a long leg in time to a beat only he heard through his headphones. Again though, the man had winked when he’d caught Sirius red handed in his open staring.
The second time, the man had waved at him from across another sardine packed compartment. Sirius’ face had flamed red as he’d waved back.
The third time, Sirius had actually managed to find a seat just two down from the man. He’d caught sight of Sirius almost immediately and had grinned a full toothy grin.
“Remus.” The man had offered his name and extended his hand across the back of the seats past the old lady in between them.
“Sirius.” He’d grinned back and held onto the man’s hand for a moment longer than he should have.
The fourth time, he was sat opposite and four seats down from Remus, but they’d smiled at each other all the same. Two stops before Remus’ station, the suited gentleman next to Sirius had gotten up to leave the tube and the empty seat had been occupied almost immediately by Remus.
“Hi.” Sirius had said, bewildered as Remus had grabbed at his hand and scratched something over his skin in pen. Purple sharpie no less.
“What’s this?” He’d asked as he’d inspected the handiwork. Sirius’ stomach had warmed as he took in the set of numbers there.
“That’s what they call a phone number nowadays,” a smirk accompanied the dry snark, “Now if I were you, I’d use it to ask me on a date. I’m not getting any younger, you know.”
Remus had bounced up and off the train after that. Sirius had sent the text message before Remus had gotten above ground.
~~
**Present Day**
“Did your relationship progress quickly after meeting?”
“Yes, once we’d swapped phone numbers, we saw each other a lot. We spent all our time together.” He allows himself a quick moment to think about that purple sharpie, and he hopes it’s still on his bedside table where it should be.
“And how would you describe your relationship with Mr Lupin? Were you happy together?” Sirius knows this is relevant somehow, but his heart is still clenching.
“Yeah,” he answers thickly, “yes, we were very happy.”
~~
**4 years, 5 months and 6 days ago**
3 weeks, 10 dates and countless fantastic kisses. And more.
Sirius grinned as he’d felt the lips of his obsession on his bare shoulder.
“Fuck.” The soft voice mumbled against his shoulder.
“What, again? Give me five minutes, Jesus Christ.” He’d teased and poked his curly haired Welshman in the ribs to make him laugh before he’d yanked the lean body over him so Sirius was completely smothered.
“Five minutes?” Remus had asked with a raised eyebrow, “How disappointing, Black. Thought I’d picked someone with better stamina. Oh well, there’s always next ti- oof!”
Sirius hadn’t given Remus the chance to finish before he’d flipped them over and pressed his man into the mattress. The surprised yet lust-filled look in Remus’ eyes had invigorated Sirius more than a triple espresso ever had.
“Disappointing, eh?” He’d whispered hotly into Remus’ ear and relished the small whimper he was rewarded with as his hand trailed down Remus’ side, over his stomach and onto his growing cock, “I’ll show you disappointing.”
After, Sirius had laid between Remus’s legs on his stomach, head on Remus’s chest as their heartbeats had slowed.
“Who knew insulting your stamina would get me such a good fuck.” Remus had laughed to himself as he ran a hand through the long black hair against his chest. Sirius laughed right along with him, arms wrapped tightly around Remus.
~~
**Present Day**
“Mr Black?” Sirius realises he’s been doing it again, the staring into space as he thinks about his Remus.
“Yes, sorry.”
“I asked how your relationship progressed. You introduced each other to friends and family?”
“Friends, yes. After a couple of weeks.”
“And family?”
“I don’t- I’m estranged from my family. And Remus is- was- from Wales so I didn’t meet his mum and dad for 6 months or so.” Sirius pinches his wrist hard to force himself to focus. To do this right.
“Our friends were our closest support network.” He recites, remembering the wording Kingsley had told him to use.
~~
**4 years, 5 months and 1 day ago**
“Sirius, why do you look nervous? Are you worried about meeting them?” Remus asked as he wrapped a huge scarf around his neck and watched Sirius on the sofa as his knee bounced up and down.
“No... yes. What if they hate me?” Sirius scowled as Remus laughed at him. He got up and stomped over to Remus who leaned against the wall, not finished laughing.
“It’s not funny!”
“It is!” The Welshman insisted. He’d let out a big sigh and cupped Sirius’ face with his hands, “Oh Sirius, it’s funny because it’s ridiculous. No one could hate you, you’re wonderful.” The earnest look in Remus’s eyes had earned him a deep, passion filled kiss as he was pressed firmly into the wall.
“I think you’ll find my family hates me a whole heap, thank you very much.” He’d grumbled into Remus’ neck as they’d clutched onto each other. He hadn’t told Remus everything about his family yet, not the full extent. But in the dark, peaceful witching hour each night, they’d talked for hours and Sirius had told the story of his running away from home, the Potter’s kindness and his explosive removal from the family tree of the Noble House of Black.
Remus had tightened his arms until Sirius could barely breathe, the perfect pressure that made him feel safe, wanted and grounded all at once. Remus had somehow figured out this trick to make Sirius feel better without even being told.
“Well my friends aren’t rich, racist or raging homophobes so we should be good.” He’d teased and Sirius had laughed despite his nervousness. “Anyway, I feel like I should be the worried one! I’m meeting 4 of your mates, you’ve only got 2 of mine to contend with. How do I know they’ll like me?”
They’d decided it was best to meet all their friends at once, safety in numbers and all that. Remus had invited Mary, his flatmate and confidante, and Dorcas, his best friend from his patisserie course. Sirius had made sure all his closest friends would be there. James, who he’d met at the stuffy private school he was forced to attend and who’d been there when no one else had. Peter who he’d also gone to Hogwarts with and who closely resembled an annoying but adored baby brother. And Marlene and Lily, who he’d met at university. Lily, who’d been his housemate in his first year halls and who he’d immediately introduced to James. Considering they’d since been married for two years, he’d done well there. And Marlene, who Sirius had met at the LGBTQ+ society stand at a freshers fair and had immediately taken him under her wing.
“Oh they probably won’t at first,” Sirius had said nonchalantly as they shrugged on their jackets and left his pokey flat, “I’ve been talking shit about you for the last three weeks so that they’ll be pleasantly surprised when they find out you’re not a total bastard.”
“Sirius!” He’d laughed uncontrollably as Remus’ indignant cry was accompanied by a gloved fist pummelling his shoulder. He’d captured the gloved hand in his and kissed it.
“Come on sunshine.” He’d declared and pushed Remus’ yellow hat, the reason for that particular nickname, over his curls. Sirius had kissed him again, just because he could, and dragged him out of the building and down to the pub.
The meeting of friends had gone over remarkably well.
Sirius and Remus had both been attacked with a flurry of hugs and “how are you”s and “we’ve heard so much about you”s.
Marlene and Dorcas had hit it off straight away, as the men had thought they would, and had promptly offered to get the first round in and continued to chat away at the bar well after the drinks had been served.
“So Remus, you’re a chef?” Lily had asked as they’d settled in a booth.
“Pastry chef,” Remus clarified, “Dorcas and I did our patisserie training together and now I work at La Petit Maison.”
“Oh my god I love that place!” Lily squealed, “James took me for our anniversary, the desserts are to die for!”
“That’d be me.” Remus had rubbed the back of his neck, cheeks tinged pink with happy embarrassment. Sirius had rubbed his knee under the table and shot him an approving grin.
“You’re so talented!” Lily gushed and James started raving about this 10 layered cake invention he’d salivated over, “Was fine dining the dream then?”
“Well not exactly, the end goal was always a place of my own, like a bake house and coffee shop or something.”
“Well you know Sirius has a business degree, and he was a barista in his uni days... you might have the makings of a great partnership there.” Lily smirked knowingly as Sirius had choked on his pint.
“Steady on Lils, you’ll have us married by next week.” They’d all laughed as Lily had shrugged and smiled coyly.
Sirius had shot Remus a glance out of the corner of his eye to make sure he wasn’t too freaked out by his friends declarations. Remus had caught him looking, as he always did, and squeezed his hand tightly.
Sirius watched Remus integrate seamlessly into his group of friends for the rest of the night, and he’d quickly won Mary over as he’d discovered their similar taste in music. And considering that Marlene already had her arm firmly around Dorcas’ shoulders, Sirius had considered her won over too.
“Alright, mate?” James had asked as they watched everyone else caught up in their conversations. Sirius had taken a deep breath and smiled as he looked around at the people he loved most, and the one he was most definitely falling in love with.
“Yeah,” he’d answered, slinging an arm around his best friend, “what do you think then?” He’d whispered and James smiled.
“I like him Sirius, the way he looks at you, it’s...” he’d trailed off.
“It’s...?” Sirius prompted, filled with joy that James, the best judge of character he knew, liked Remus.
“It’s like how I look at Lily, it’s brilliant.”
“Soppy.” Sirius teased and James had shoulder bumped him.
“I’m just glad you’re happy mate, you deserve it.”
Sirius leaned back in his chair, surveyed the table and surmised that he was happy. Yeah, he’d thought as Remus caught his eye and kissed his cheek before going back to his heated debate with Pete and Lily about some documentary they’d all seen on Channel 4, he was really happy.
~~
**Present Day**
“So you would say that Mr Lupin was closest with the two friends he first introduced you to?” Mr Shacklebolt presses on.
“Yes, Dorcas and Mary were his best friends.”
“So it would be right to assume that, had there been any problems between the two of you, they would know?” The prosecutor stands at the question, preventing an answer.
“Objection your honour, he’s leading the witness.” He complains and Sirius wishes he’d shut up. The judge looks over to Kingsley who smiles easily.
“I’ll rephrase. Mr Black, to the best of your knowledge, did Mr Lupin disclose details of your relationship with him to his two friends, Miss Meadows and Miss MacDonald?”
“Yes, Remus was always open with them about our relationship, just like I was with my friends.” Kingsley nods approvingly again, and Sirius feels as though he’s playing a very intricate game without knowing any of the rules.
“At any point where there may have been strain on your relationship, an argument let’s say, would you say that Remus would have made his friends aware?”
“Uh- yes, they would have been aware.”
“How do you know, Mr Black?” Kingsley presses.
“Well one, or both, of them would usually make it known that they know. Either to tell me off for being an idiot or to tell me that Remus was being an idiot.” Sirius hears a titter of laughter from the balcony and immediately becomes acutely aware that everyone is up there, watching.
It’s true though, he thinks, their group were never one to stay out of anyone’s arguments.
~~
**3 years, 10 months and 24 days ago**
“You’re a bloody idiot Sirius Black!” He’d heard the clack of Mary’s heels on the garage floor before he’d seen her, so he was ready for the onslaught.
“Oh good, the voice of wisdom comes forth to tell me exactly what I’ve done this time.” He’d muttered to himself, but was obviously heard because he received a sharp kick to the thigh. He glared up at her from the concrete floor, one arm still under his motorbike, spanner in hand.
“Don’t get smart with me Sirius, he’s really upset.” Arms crossed meant he’d better take note of the angry little Scottish woman before she ate him alive. He sat up, elbows resting on bent knees and sighed.
“I know.” They’d had a row. They’d only ever really argued a handful of times, but he’d come home exhausted from his shitty marketing job, desperate to just fall into bed and sleep for days. However, Remus had been on one of his ‘must invent something new and exciting’ missions and was making a huge mess in his kitchen.
Sirius fucking hated mess. He knew it was a lingering effect from his shitty childhood, where any mess or noise or untidiness was met with harsh words and harsher hands, but he couldn’t help it.
And Remus was on him as soon as he walked through the door with a “try this”. The third spoonful of a variation of a vanilla something or other had dripped off the spoon and onto his bloody tie in Remus’ haste. Exhausted, stressed and annoyed about the whole world, Sirius had snapped.
He cringed to himself as he remembered the hurt look in Remus’s face, before it had turned cold and Remus had told him to go fuck himself.
“Are you going to apologise?” Mary demanded, still stood with her arms crossed. Her foot tapped against the concrete as she waited for his answer.
“Is my kitchen clean?” He’d asked petulantly under his breath and received another swift kick. This one to the hip.
“Fucking hell woman, you have the ears of a bat!” He’d complained and rubbed his sore side. She ignored his comment.
“Probably fucking not, seeing as you kicked him out of your flat.”
“Oh yeah.” Sirius had let his head drop into his hands as he remembered how they’d left it. He’d pointed to the door and Remus had been gone before he could blink.
“You’re a dickhead.” Mary had stated and Sirius had groaned in agreement.
“I’m a dickhead.” The admission had softened Mary slightly, and she’d sat down gingerly on an old, rickety chair.
“What was all that about, Sirius, he told me you hate him.” Sirius’ head whipped up.
“I never said I hate him, I love him!” He’d insisted and Mary had smiled softly, “I just- it was a shitty day, and I wanted to curl up with him but he was this fountain of energy and there was flour all over the fucking place and-“ Mary laughed as he’d huffed.
“Darling, you forget I live with that man, I swear to god there’s always flour and edible glitter and all sorts of shit in hidden corners of my kitchen.” They’d chuckled together in solidarity.
“I love it usually, that look he gets on his face when he’s concentrating is divine... I just had a really shitty day.”
“That’s not his fault though, love.” Mary, voice of fucking reason. Worse than a therapist.
“I know.” He’d hung his head in his hands and scrubbed his face, he was so fucking tired. After Remus had fled, Sirius had pulled on his scruffiest pair of jeans and an old jumper and had come down to Marlene’s garage to tinker with his bike.
“He was trying to butter you up with baked goods so you’d want to move in with him.” Sirius’ head had snapped up so fast he nearly broke his neck.
“What?!” He’d demanded.
“The lease is up on our place, the landlord is selling the building. I’m moving into my own flat with my nice new pay rise and he fucking loves you, moron,” Mary had laughed, “He’s been dropping hints for over a week. We’re all just waiting for you to catch up.”
Sirius had thought back over the past week. Remus had been saying how he preferred his commute from Sirius’ flat, as he didn’t have to change tube half way. And how Sirius’ bed had been more comfortable, and how he loved the kitchen-
“Fuck!” He’d sworn, jumping to his feet.
“And the penny drops.” Mary shook her head at him as a million thoughts went through his head.
“Where is he?” Sirius had asked in almost a frenzy. As soon as Mary had confirmed Remus was at their flat, he’d taken off towards the tube station.
“Don’t you dare have sex in my living room!” Mary had yelled after him.
13 minutes later, he’d arrived panting at Remus’ door, punched in the access code he’d been given months before and bolted up the stairs to the inner flat door.
He’d composed himself after knocking as he waited for Remus to answer. The door had swung open and he’d stopped short at the look on his face. Sirius’ heart had clenched as he took in Remus’ red rimmed eyes.
“If you’ve come to have another go at me, I’ll clean your fucking kitche-“ Sirius had cut him off with a bruising kiss. His arms wrapped tightly around the other man as he walked them into the flat and pressed them against the hallway wall.
“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry sunshine, I’m such a twat.” He’d mumbled against Remus’ lips as he gripped the back of his neck and kissed him fiercely.
“You’re a twat.” Remus had agreed but pulled him closer all the same.
“The kitchen,” Sirius had gasped between kisses, “it’s yours, fill it with flour if you want to. I won’t say a word.” Remus had pushed him back by the shoulders to get a good look at him.
“What?” He’d asked, confused. The sight of Remus’ kiss-bruised red lips and tousled hair made him crazy and he’d rolled his hips against the other man. The groan he’d received in return was delightful.
“When you move in with me, it’s yours. Your domain.” Remus’ eyes had widened at the declaration.
“When I move in with you?”
“Well, yeah,” Sirius has grinned sheepishly, “I mean, Mary said you have to move out of your place and she said you’d been hinting and I realised you had and- Remus,” Sirius’ hands had cupped Remus’ face and brought their faces so close their lips brushed when he spoke, “I’d fucking love it if you moved in with me.”
The resulting kiss had lasted for at least a few minutes and by the time they’d come up for air, all clothes had somehow been shed.
Mary had been furious when she found out what they’d done on her fancy leather sofa.
~~
**Present Day**
“I hereby put it to the court,” Kingsley declares with a flourish, “that had Mr Black, at any point, posed a risk to Mr Lupin’s health or had expressed an intention to hurt him, Mr Lupin’s friends would have been aware. A fact which we shall explore with said witnesses in the coming days.”
Kingsley turns back to Sirius, his expression serious.
“Mr Black, in your time together, did you ever threaten to or carry out physical harm to Mr Lupin?”
“No!” Sirius’ voice breaks as he answers, the question is disgusting.
“Had you ever thought about killing or doing harm to Mr Lupin before the night of 16th January?” He hates his fucking barrister.
“Of course not.” His vision blurs and he blinks through the tears as he fights to answer in an even voice.
“I believe we’ll take a short recess and reconvene in the afternoon for the rest of your examination, Mr Shacklebolt, and the cross examination.” The judge declares and his legal team nods.
Sirius is led from the courtroom to a small side room and is handed a cup of what he knows is, frankly, shitty coffee and a dry sandwich. Christ, he misses Remus’ sourdough bread.
“You’re doing well, Sirius.” Kingsley strides into the room and smiles down at him.
“Am I?” Sirius asks bitterly, mostly to himself but his barrister nods.
“You are, now you know it’s only going to get tougher this afternoon, but I’m right here with you. You’ll be fine.” Kingsley claps a hand on his shoulder and Sirius can’t even muster a fake smile.
“I’ve been granted some access for some of your friends and family to see you-“
“No,” Sirius cuts him off, he can’t bear it, “no thank you, can I just sit here by myself for a bit?” He asks and Kingsley shoots him a mildly concerned look before nodding and exiting.
Sirius let’s out a shaky breath and closes his eyes. He’s been dreading this, talking about that night. It’s not like they don’t already know everything, he’s spent a combined total of 38 hours being interrogated by the police, surely everything is on file now.
Shaking his head, he allows his mind to wander back to better times, when Remus was alive. When they were happy.