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First time we met
I knew straight away
Well, maybe not the very first time when he saved me at the airport, but during that first case, yes, absolutely. I knew. Not that I could admit it even to myself back then. It was just so unexpected. I wasn’t looking for it; I was only supposed to be here a few days (none, if we’re talking officially), so I wasn’t even expecting friendship. And then suddenly, here he was, this handsome, open-hearted, caring man, who wanted me around and said he’d had fun with me like he actually meant it, even though I was being quite difficult and brusque.
It was at the funeral we crashed that I knew. He’d already done his sexy growl about me needing a black dress at the golf course earlier that day, and that had got me thinking. Then at the wake he looked so good in his suit and he kept touching me tenderly, looking into my eyes, talking close to me... I know it was an act, but... wow. I started to feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. And then there was that ridiculous dancing and the comments the daughter made about him being sweet and clearly proud of me. My barriers were well and truly up though, and a good thing too, because then I broke into his apartment and found out the hard way that he had a girlfriend. Of course he did, being so good looking and outgoing. He would never want me, would he?
Yes, you play the fool
You think you’re so cool
He’s always tried to joke around with me, right from the start when I wasn’t exactly receptive to it. Sometimes it’s just infuriating though: the cover story that I was an exotic dancer was completely ridiculous and could have got us into hot water. The prank he played on me making me think Inés was fifty and not forty five made me so angry with him I could’ve slapped him. It was so thoughtless getting me another black mark against my name in Inés’s mind, when he knew she didn’t like me already! But then he sang happy birthday to her in that over the top operatic style of his and I couldn’t help laughing. I’ve even started to join in with his terrible puns; I think he loves it when I do. I should make some more. It feels good to make him grin.
He totally thinks he’s cool, cruising around in his convertible BMW, sunglasses on, wavy hair ruffling in the breeze. Put a suit on him and he acts like he’s James Bond. I can’t believe I actually gasped when he came out of his bedroom dressed like that for the casino operation. But I’m no Moneypenny, despite his teasing: if anyone’s going to be lead agent, it’s me.
We’re a great team despite (or because of?) our differences though - we really complement each other. I’d be lost without his knowledge of popular culture and sport sometimes. He’s surprisingly cultured too. He loves fine dining, classical music, and opera, and his library is filled with classics: Hemingway, Agatha Christie, Sherlock Holmes... and in at least four different languages too. He must think I’m some uneducated Welsh peasant at times, sitting there awkwardly at the edge of things with my safe bag of salt and vinegar crisps.
Our approaches to work and life in general are definitely not the same. He’s so laidback about things that I just can’t be that relaxed about - he offered me a lick of his ice cream when we really hadn’t known each other that long, like it was nothing, just perfectly natural, rather than actually quite intimate, never mind the sanitary implications. To my surprise, I have found myself slowly unwinding thanks to his influence. I’ll never be quite as at ease in the world as he is, but I’m certainly not as uptight as I used to be. He’s helped me grow. I hope I’ve been a positive influence on him in some way too.
I might just give in
If I know for sure
That you are for real
I’ll open my door, yes, I will
I’ve already let him in more than anyone else. Nobody knows me like he does. He has a way of getting me to open up, of breaking down my walls and finding out things about me that I don’t usually talk about. He got me to tell him about the time I got suspended for assaulting my superior officer, which I try and keep firmly in the past. I haven’t told anybody else about my claustrophobia, but he was just so persistent, and so genuine, that I blurted it out eventually. And then he did the sweetest thing, helping me through the train ride in the tunnel, holding my hand, regulating my breathing, and getting me to look into his eyes. It was partly getting caught up in my feelings for him during that gaze that got me past my fear.
Nobody else has ever shown me so sincerely that they liked me. It feels nice to have such a good friend, someone who cares about me so much. It’d be even nicer to have a boyfriend though... If he ever shows me that he really, truly wants me, I know I’ll throw down what’s left of my defences. I’m already his, he just doesn’t know it yet.
Oh, but love
It ain’t so easy
Oh, we got one life
Don’t throw it away
Love is far from easy: everything is complicated when feelings are involved. I’ve shut myself off enough that I’ve mostly protected myself from heartbreak. Nobody can take their love away if you don’t let them close enough to give it in the first place. Could Max be the one worth opening my heart to at last? I do already trust him with my life.
Since I came to Mallorca life has got a lot better for me, and most of that is down to Max. I finally feel settled, like I’ve found my place in the world. I’m doing good work here, even if Inés sometimes drives me crazy over it. At least she appreciates me more now, since I exposed her old boss for the corrupt creep he really was. I have the best compañero, a great home, and lovely friends. I think I’ve found my niche. But it could be even better if Max were mine, couldn’t it? I don’t want to waste time if I truly have found my media naranja.
We got time on our side
It’s never too late
If you want me me now
It’s gonna have to wait
Neither of us has plans to leave the police force or Mallorca, so maybe we do have time to figure things out. He told me he wanted to retire to a vineyard in Binissalem, so he definitely doesn’t want to go back to Germany. I’m sure he wants me to stay too; the look he gave me when he said he had everything he needed here said it all. He needs me. And when I jumped into his car after telling Palmer I was staying, he looked so happy that I wasn’t going to leave him. That car journey afterwards was filled with shared smiles and giggles: compañeros forever.
When I think about all the intimate moments we’ve had and all the signals we’ve given each other, I think he must be aware that there is this profound bond between us, a magnetic pull. But then, for an intelligent man who isn’t afraid of emotions, he can be surprisingly oblivious sometimes. Everyone has their blind spots, I suppose. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was (unconsciously?) trying to ignore our attraction for the sake of his relationship with Carmen. Pretty hard to ignore that time we came within a couple of seconds and centimetres of kissing each other though.
There have been so many other times something meaningful has passed between us, and I think we’ve both picked up on them: the times I’ve been flustered seeing him half-naked or in a suit, when I helped him with his fake wedding ring, when he said I looked great in that green jumpsuit, when he wanted to stay with me at the hospital and I wanted so badly to let him, when he went along with the misunderstanding that he was my boyfriend during the hostage situation, when I told him we were partnered for life like geese, when I woke up to find his arm round me... We’ve had so many ‘moments’. He’s well and truly got his head buried in the sand if he’s managed to miss all that.
Even if has realised how he feels about me now though, we’re both going to have to wait. Neither of us can do or say anything, not until he and Carmen have split up, if that does ever come about. She obviously has her doubts since she couldn’t bring herself to accept his proposal; good intentions and sex can’t be enough for her to stay with him indefinitely. As for Max... he clearly loves her, but is he in love with her? I hope he figures it out soon. Not that I want Carmen to get hurt, not at all - she’s my friend. The best outcome for all of us would be for them to have an amicable break up, and then for him to come to me once he’s had some time. I think deep down that’s what he wants. I can’t do anything to hasten it though, or even wish for it with a clear conscience; that would make me a terrible friend to both of them.
There is no mistaking
This feeling inside
It’s love, I know that now. But he’s not free. So I’ll keep waiting. What else can I do?