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“Um... we’re actually--this is my husband. We--we’re gay.” Dundee stumbles over his words. He already starts to feel a headache forming between his eyes and he’s not sure if it’s the shit that happened in prison or maybe the fact he hasn’t had a pinga in awhile. “I’m gay.”
“Very gay.” Benny continues--wait, no. That’s wrong. Fuck. Barry? Yeah, Barry. “I’m very very very gay.”
“We’re very very gay; we’re madly in love.” Jesus, how does he get himself in these situations? All he wanted was to rob a house now he’s trying to stop this poor bastard from getting possibly ocean dumped. The best part? Dundee’s not even fucking gay. He’s very much straight. He better get a thank you for this.
Except, he doesn’t get a thank you. No, instead he gets shoved in a trunk with his now fake husband to god knows where. There isn’t that much room in the trunk and Dundee’s awkwardly spooning Barry in the dark space. This is probably the closest he’s been to someone since he put his arm around Emma the other day. He’s not for sure where to put his hands and every time they hit a bump, they’re only shoved closer together.
Barry either feels how stiff Dundee is, or he’s trying to joke, Dundee can’t tell. “Yep. Just both hands, uh, just put both hands right there, Dundee. Right--” Dundee awkwardly puts his arms around Barry to make more room. “Yeah. There you go. It’s a lot safer with both han--”
“Oooh!” Dundee moans, “Right there! Ah, fuckin’ your legs are so soft.” Maybe if they shout louder and say obscene things, the driver will hear them and think they’re not worth it. He hears Barry make a confused sound, but he doesn’t care. “Blokes on blokes!”
“Oh my god.”
Dundee doesn’t care if Barry thinks he’s a little unhinged. Fuck, honestly? He is unhinged and really wants a drink or drugs, but this will have to do. This is what he gets for wanting to rob a house. He can hear mumbling from the front of the car and tries to figure out where they’re being taken, but he can’t hear much. What he can hear, though, is Barry’s breathing getting a little quicker. Fuck, he doesn’t want to be kidnapped with a guy who is freaking out.
“We’re gonna be okay, Barry.” Dundee still keeps the teasing tone in his voice, but hopes the poor cunt can hear past it. “We’re gonna be okay, okay?”
“I know.” Barry finally says something. He sounds… confused? Bored? Fuck, this guy is hard to read. Dundee decides to step it up a notch. He might as well make some fun out of this situation.
“WE’RE GONNA BE OKAY! LET’S JUST HUG IT OUT!” He holds on to Barry tightly and feels the man tense. “YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE WE STARTED THIS RELATIONSHIP, I THINK I’VE ACTUALLY GOT FEELINGS FOR YOU NOW!”
Well, at least they’re out of the trunk now, Dundee supposes. Except, now, they’re fucking barefoot in the middle of the mountains with no phones and no clue where they are. The drugs are starting to wear off and Barry’s fucking red jumpsuit is giving him a headache. Oh, plus, they’re probably going to starve to death. But that won’t be until later, so he guesses they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. On the plus side, it’s just him and Barry now and Barry seems a lot more talkative now that they’re out of the boot. Now, if only he said useful things.
“What you are forgetting, is that I have something they don’t!” Barry claims after Dundee lists all their problems.
“What’s that.” He doesn’t really want to know.
“The satisfaction of beating the shit outta that guy. He didn’t even get one hit on me, Dundee! I bit the shit out--ah!”
Dundee pushes him. Jesus, does Barry really not understand the concept that gangs are dangerous and he shouldn’t go beating people up. Okay, so maybe he’s a little impressed… but still! It’s the whole reason they’re stuck out here in the first place. He sighs and starts walking up to a higher point to see where the fuck they are.
“Okay, listen.” Barry follows him. “Alright. Alright! I was in boy scouts. Come up to the top of this hill. I-l-I’ll get us home. So the sun rises in, umm, it rises, right? So we just go where the sun rises and that will take us to where your heart, uh, is.”
What. The. Fuck. “You’re the worst fucking husband ever, y’now that, champion?”
There’s a small quirk at Barry’s lips. Is this fucker finding humor out of this? “Alright. Well, I’m working on it. That’s what--That’s what marriage is! It’s working on it! It’s not.. You’re not just gonna have the best husband day one!”
Now Dundee can’t help but feel a little amused too. “I want the best husb--You know, day one--Usually when you have a husband on day one, you have fucking sex. On your honeymoon and that’s usually a very good husband.”
“I mean, there’s nobody out here, but I mean, you’ll probably get a bunch of sand everywhere.”
Okay, Dundee is starting to like this guy. Well, that is until the dumb cunt falls down and hurts himself. He sighs and face palms, watching the poor guy roll down the mountain. Although, it’s not so funny whenever it’s Dundee falling down as well trying to save his husband for the day. Now they both have to wait for the EMS and Dundee highly doubts it’s going to be a quick recovery.
It’s definitely not quick at all. No, it takes what feels like fucking hours to be saved, and poor Barry, it takes him even longer. Dundee is pretty sure that he’s going to make his voice hoarse by screaming about his “husband” every five seconds, but the reactions from everybody are definitely worth it. Weirdly enough though, Emma doesn’t even bat an eye at his antics. Damn, he kinda wishes that she would be at least a little jealous. But, that’s not important. What’s really important is how fucking sick he looked full sending a car down the side of the mountain to save Barry. He’s just a fantastic husband like that. He saved Barry all on his own… well, so the EMS helicopter did. But Dundee helped!
It’s fucking late by the time both of them get out of the hospital, but Barry takes him by surprise and says that he still wants to hang out and rob houses. So that’s exactly what they do for a bit. They find the van that held all their shit before they got caught by the cops and Dundee shows Barry how to sell it. As well as first impressions go, Barry didn’t leave too promising of one, but he's definitely growing on Dundee now. He enjoys hearing a familiar Aussie accent in the city and Barry as a few witty remarks that leave Dundee genuinely laughing. He forgets he hasn’t even had a pinga or a beer until he drops Barry back off at the Apartments for the night.
“Well, uh.. Well, Dundee. Is that your full name or do I just--what do people call you, like, Dee?”
“Name’s Irwin Dundee.” He grins, underneath his makeshift paper bag for a mask. Although, ‘Dee’ does have a nice ring to that. He could get used to being called that.
“What do people usually call you?”
“Dumb fuck.”
“Ahh, I was about to say dickhead. Alright… well, I’ll probably be in town the next day or two. I’ll, if I need someone to rob houses I’ll give you a call?” Jesus fucking Christ, the cunt sounds so nervous.
“Yeah, mate!” Dundee smiles, forgetting about the bag on his head. He's always down for making new friends.
Barry’s cheeks look a little red and he leans closer to where the door should be on the stolen van. “Wait, hold on. You can stay in the car. I’m just gonna reach in here.. Here we go.” Barry wraps his arms around Dundee in a surprisingly confident hug despite the man’s nervous demeanor. “It was great meeting you!”
“Aww!” It’s an oddly sweet gesture and one that throws him completely off guard. “I love you!” He puts on a fake, overly sweet voice.
Barry smirks a little bit. “I love you too. I-I’ll see you later, okay?”
Dundee watches him start to leave “Good bye, hubby! Stay safe!”
Barry turns back around. “Call me--I might call you if I get sad at night… and cry.”
“That’s okay, boo.” Dundee finally takes off the bag on his head. “I’ll do the same.” He takes off in the damaged van, almost hitting Barry in the process. He smiles to himself. It might be fun to have a fake husband for a while.