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The mission has proven more complex than Reinhard anticipated. His duties took him far from the capital this time, and after chasing a rumor of the Witch Cult for weeks, only to come up short, he longed to return home.
He was unsure why he chose the path through the Mathers domain. The alternatives were shorter and easier to traverse. Irlam was not even part of his route, and yet, Reinhard found himself drawn to it. Though the late evening hues blotted the sky, the village thrummed with life. His feet carried him deeper, the excitement now palpable. The telltale pluck of strings, accompanied by laughs, shouts, and animated chatter mingled with the wind into a melody, and at the heart of it all stood none other than Natsumi. Their eyes met. She flitted through the crowd, tackling him with a hug, and it felt more like home than the Astrea mansion had in years.
Reinhard's expression turned fond as he reclined on the opulent sofa. Natsumi insisted he stay the night at the Mathers manor, and he assented. The fragrance of spring blossoms permeated the dimmed room. Combined with the lingering warmth of Natsumi's embrace, he felt at peace. Away from his father and his scathing remarks, sharpened with alcohol and resentment. Away from his grandfather's gaze, as irate when focused on Reinhard as if he were looking at a raw wound. Away from the forever–still mother he couldn't even remember.
Safe.
The tranquil spell broke with a knock on his door. It cracked ajar, then burst open as a hip bumped against the wood with gusto. Reinhard blinked, his spine ramrod straight. He could sense the approaching presence, but he never would have expected an entrance like that. He was about to speak, inquire, but when his visitor came into view all words eluded him.
To the tune of clinking porcelain and a click of heels upon hard floor, in sauntered Natsumi. Her usual attire was replaced by a pristine uniform, the staple of the Mathers maids. A coy smirk played on her lips as she approached. Natsumi stopped before the table, the sole piece of furniture separating them, put down the brimming tray she held, and curtsied with demure grace.
“Good evening, Master~ ♡”
From habit, Reinhard's lips parted to respond in kind, but he could not muster any sound. Every glimpse of coherent thought unraveled in favor of searing this sight into his mind's eye. The mellow warmth that enveloped him before turned into wildfire, drying his mouth and straining his breaths. And yet, Reinhard did not find it unpleasant.
“Oho, what's this? Rendered speechless by your adorable Natsumi? ♡” She leaned forward, finger pressed to her upturned lips. “Hmmhmm, it's a critical hit!”
Reinhard hoped his cheeks were not as heated as they felt. “Ah... Natsumi, I– You do look lovely, but... I don't quite understand.”
“There's nothing to worry about, Master, your extremely devoted, not to mention cute, maid Natsumi is here to serve you for the rest of your stay, so please relax~ ♡”
The word Master has never made his throat constrict as it did now.
“W-while I'm flattered by your thoughtfulness, there is no need to exert yourself like this for my sake. I'm certain you're exhausted as well.”
Natsumi grinned, twirling a lock of her hair. “Not at all~ I'm always bursting with energy for you, Master. ♡”
Reinhard clasped his hands together. He couldn't deny he wanted to give in, and play along with the fantasy Natsumi fashioned for him, but... His gaze fell to the tea set sitting on the tray, and a familiar ache seized him. This was not meant for him. He had no right to enjoy such things. He was a weapon, his duty to protect the Kingdom. Lead seemed to weigh his eyes as they returned to her. Reinhard thought he was used to letting good things go by now. Even if it was not what he desired, it was for the best. After all, what has ever come to people who dared care for him other than suffering? He did not wish it on anyone, least of all Natsumi.
“Please forgive me, Natsumi, but I cannot accept. I'm overcome with joy to know you care for me to this extent, however,“ against himself, Reinhard's expression grew inured, “I am not worthy of–“
“Reinhard.”
Natsumi closed the distance between them, no embellishment to her movements. Her features turned softer, darker. Reinhard did not understand it, nor the tingle it summoned to dance along the line of his shoulders, down his biceps and wrists, all the way to his fingertips. He was almost tempted to use his Divine Protection of Empathy to grasp it. Natsumi reached for him. A weight settled on top of his head, halting all circulation and coherence. Then, it drifted down his hair, like a gentle wave dispersing on the shore, again and again, and his eyelids flitted shut.
“It's tiring, isn't it? Always working so hard, always being so strong. You give it your all, day after day. It's one of your qualities I admire most.” Her hand continued to move, pleasure rippling through his body. “You say you don't deserve this. I wish I knew what to say to make it so you'd never feel like this again. But I know it's not that simple. So, if you can't enjoy yourself for your own sake, then...”
Natsumi trailed off. Reinhard wanted to look up, but he was afraid she would stop.
“...do it for me. I want this.” Natsumi's hand slid down to his cheek, thumb stroking along the bone. Reinhard leaned into her touch on instinct. “Let me spoil you a little... Master. ♡”
For Natsumi?
He swallowed.
If it was for Natsumi...
“...As you wish.”
Natsumi giggled, her maid persona back in full swing. “You're so gracious, Master. Ah~ I'm so lucky to have you, it's like a one in a million jackpot! ♡”
“Jackpot?”
She shot him a cheeky grin, poking his nose, and turned her attention to the tray. Reinhard, now bereft of her touch, noticed the red dappling her face, the subtle tremor of her hands as she occupied herself with ornate platters and cups. As out of his depth as he was, he found comfort in their shared embarrassment. Though he had to admit she was handling it far better than him. He didn't think he could repeat her words with a straight face. Reinhard leaned back in his seat with a quiet exhale. Free of the initial shock and his own self-loathing thoughts, he let himself unwind.
Reinhard observed Natsumi as she busied herself, exchanging quips every now and then. Though he was quite fond of her exotic choice of clothing, the maid uniform fit her like a second skin. The way it hugged her curves and fluttered around her legs as she moved, the colors and the cut complimented her lissome figure. Yes, there was no denying Natsumi was a beautiful woman, both in appearance and character. He knew he was not the only person with a soft spot for her. Reinhard felt something jagged and cold settle in his gut. Unbidden, he recalled the glimmer in Julius's eyes and the mildness of his voice whenever he spoke about Natsumi. The adoring glances her green-clad merchant friend gave her when she wasn't looking. Though what hurt most was the way Natsumi herself spoke of her Rem. The look in her eyes then could only be what he imagined love was, even if it was steeped in sadness. Reinhard's brows knitted, the stinging in his abdomen growing sharper. He knew he was an inadequate partner for Natsumi, it was selfish and deluded to believe otherwise, but...
He liked being in her company. He liked how easily their conversation would flow. He liked how light she made him feel, the affection in her smiles and her words. But most of all, he liked how Natsumi wore her heart on her sleeve. There were no ulterior motives behind the kindness she showed him, or covert fear. She treated him like he was normal. Human. It reminded him of happier times.
Even if Reinhard could never be worthy of her, she still chose to be here with him. With him. Still, the ache did not quite dissipate.
“All done!”
Natsumi's ringing voice cut through his thoughts. She struck a pose, endearing smugness radiating off her. Reinhard could have sworn he saw a twinkle of sparkles around her.
“I'm sorry it took so long, Master, but I'm confident you'll forgive me once you see what I've prepared~” She tilted her head, coquettish, then added with a wink: “but in case you don't, Master, feel free to discipline me~ ♡”
Reinhard cleared his parched throat, tugging his jacket open. Natsumi made the heat of the Auguria desert feel mild in comparison. For both of them, if he read the color blooming in her cheeks right. “I'm certain your efforts will be beyond adequate.”
She gave a pleased hum, eyeing him with a smirk, none of her apparent fluster affecting her act, then gestured toward the spread she prepared and began the introduction. Reinhard was grateful to have something other than Natsumi to dedicate his attention to. He wasn't sure how much more of her teasing he could take or what he would do. His eyes glided over the 'Beako-certified' confections, admiring their vibrant shades and floral shapes. A childlike curiosity darted in his breast when she told him they were a staple of her homeland. Reinhard had come to terms with the fact he would never set foot outside of Lugnica's borders, but he enjoyed the rare opportunities where he could interact with foreign cultures. He could still recall the tales his family would regale him with, about distant lands and their adventures. Before they grew apart. Before he murdered his grandmother.
He banished the thought. Now was not the time, not when Natsumi had worked so hard for his sake. The mere idea of upsetting her terrified him beyond words. He never wanted to see her pretty eyes fill up with tears because of him. Reinhard focused his gaze on her hands as she poured the golden-green liquid into a teacup. She held the pot high above, letting the shimmering stream cascade with flourish. The sharp, grassy scent of the tea settled in his nostrils.
“...it's not exactly like what we had back in Japan, but this mix is close enough. Please have a taste, Master. ♡” Natsumi handed him the steaming teacup before joining him on the sofa. Reinhard brought the rim to his lips, about to take a sip, when he felt her thigh press against his for a moment. His grip wavered, almost spilling some of the drink.
“Oh dear~ I'm so sorry, Master. ♡” Natsumi's voice was every bit as unapologetic as her beaming face. “Your Natsumi can be such a klutz sometimes...” Her voice trailed off, smile quivering from failing restraint.
He placed the cup back on the table. “Indeed. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect it was intentional.”
Natsumi gasped. “I'd never! What kind of temptress do you take me for, Master? I'm an innocent maiden, so pure that my romance route would end in platonic friendship!”
Reinhard levelled a pointed glare in Natsumi's direction. She recoiled in faux hurt, arm strewn across her eyes, long sleeves shrouding her face. He held his fist to his lips, trying to stifle a chuckle at Natsumi's exaggerated antics. In her wild motions, for a split second, she lost her balance. Reinhard noticed it before she did, his heartbeat suspended. Her head was primed to collide with the sharp edge of the table.
In an instant, his arm coiled around her waist, jerking her close, until he could feel her pressed flush against him. His gaze darted down, needing proof that she was unharmed. Dilated eyes. Shallow breaths. Reddening cheeks. No sight of blood or injury.
He allowed himself to exhale.
“Reinhard...?”
As the panicked rush dissipated, Reinhard began to realize the position he placed Natsumi in. He also realized how badly he did not want it to change. She was small, and warm, and soft. And so, so fragile. His grip loosened, but he did not let go. Natsumi, still tense, had yet to move.
“T-that was close, huh? Good thing my guardian angel was here...” Natsumi dipped her head, sheepish, and reached for his free hand. “You know, I was joking when I said I was a klutz. Talk about karma.” She placed his hand between her palms, and gave a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.”
Reinhard didn't trust his voice not to crack. He nodded instead, eyes locked on their intertwined hands. His eyebrows crinkled in muted disappointment. If only he had taken his gloves off earlier, they would have...
“Well...” Natsumi began inching away from his hold. Reinhard's arms itched to pull her back, tighter than before. “...as nice as this is, maid Natsumi hasn't quite finished her debut yet. The night is still young, and I've got a lot more embarrassing things to say.”
She slipped free, settling back on the sofa. Reinhard closed his hand, desperate to preserve the fleeting feeling she left him with. Natsumi directed her attention to the assorted sweets. She shook out her hair, arranging them in a fashion that obscured most of her face from his view. In need of a distraction, Reinhard took a sip of his tea.
“Late spring nights are the best, don't you agree, Master?” Natsumi plucked the centerpiece of the spread, a brilliant red facsimile of a bloom. She offered it to him with a sweet smile. “The temperature is just right, and the scent of flowers is so potent it can make you dizzy. A perfect time for a dalliance. ♡”
“I'm not sure about the dalliance part, but I do enjoy nights like this.”
He took a bite of the confection, though he couldn't shake the pang of guilt at ruining the artful piece. Seeing Natsumi preening at his praise alleviated it quite a bit. A companionable atmosphere settled in as he listened to Natsumi chatter away, but he found it difficult to concentrate on her words. The memory of their sudden embrace still occupied Reinhard's mind. Would Natsumi have been upset if he hadn't let her slink away from his arms? She had been so close. The ghost of her breath on his lips caused shivers to break down his spine. His thoughts turned quieter, as if he were trying to hide them even from himself. What would have happened had he leaned just a touch further...? He turned his face away, suddenly anxious. His cheeks warmed disagreeably. Reinhard feared there was little sleep in store for him tonight.
“Master? ♡ Master! Are you giving me the cold shoulder?”
Natsumi pouted and crossed her arms. The corners of his mouth twitched. He had never had the chance to use it before, but if the sight before him did not embody the word 'cute', Reinhard didn't know what did.
“Ah, my apologies. I've lost track of my thoughts. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive this transgression.”
“Hmmhmm~ A loving heart is a forgiving heart, I suppose. ♡” She nodded to herself, then tilted her head, features fixed in a slippery expression, reminiscent of a cat sizing up her prey. “Were you thinking about me, Master? ♡”
Had he been so transparent? Trapped under Natsumi's gaze, Reinhard felt terribly exposed. He shifted back, defensive tension seeping into his muscles. Reinhard couldn't meet her eyes as his voice fought past the knot in his throat. It came out softer than he intended: “Would you mind if I had?”
“...Should I mind? Hoh~ Were you thinking of something indecent, Master? ♡” Her tone oozed with delight, and Reinhard could only imagine her grin stretched from ear to ear. “Be honest... Or don't. ♡”
Reinhard tugged at the collar of his shirt, struggling to keep the stammer out of his voice. “Please rest assured I would never allow myself, or anyone else, to besmirch your honor like this.”
Her response came in the shape of a giggle, the tiniest bit frayed, but no remark followed. It seemed she had elected to grant him mercy, and he had never been more thankful. Reinhard ran his hand through his hair, willing his heartbeat to calm. Maid Natsumi was a force of nature.
Minutes passed, and the silence stretched. As much as Reinhard needed a respite from all the teasing, the quiet made him grow self-conscious. He chanced a peek at Natsumi. She was leaning forward, cradling her cheek as she propped herself upon her elbow, expression unchanged. With her legs crossed, Natsumi's dress rode up, revealing the strap connecting her white stockings with the garter belt. Reinhard meant to tear his gaze away, but he found himself unable to, though for a much different reason, one painted black, yellow, and purple-blue.
“Natsumi, your leg...!”
“Hmm? Oh, that.” Natsumi flicked her wrist in a dismissive gesture, pulling the dress down. Reinhard didn't like how impassive her face looked. “It's just a little bruise, don't worry about it.”
“There's nothing 'little' about it, Natsumi. Does it hurt? How extensive is it?”
“Reinhard, it's fine, really! It doesn't hurt at all, and what you saw was pretty much all of it.”
His Divine Protection flared up. Reinhard rose to his feet. “That's a lie.”
The amiable air filling the room mere moments before seemed suffocating now. Reinhard steeled himself. He doubted he could avoid an argument, Natsumi could be as obstinate as Julius. When it came to caring about her own well-being, Natsumi's attitude was beyond irresponsible, a stark contrast to the demeanor she showed when others were in danger. As much as he adored that devotion, at times like this, when he could see the toll it took on her with his own eyes, Reinhard couldn't help but resent it.
He knelt before her. “Natsumi, please answer me.” He hesitated for a second, before adding: “if you don't, I will have to check it myself.”
A nervous chuckle escaped her lips. “Check? Under a lady's dress? That doesn't sound very chivalrous at all. Is my otome game turning into an eroge?!”
“Though some of your words elude me, yes, to ensure your health and safety, I will stop at nothing, even if it means discarding my honor.”
Natsumi shot him a glare, before twisting away from him. “Listen, it's really sweet of you to care so much about me, but there's nothing to get so riled up over. It's just a few bruises, I get those all the time. Garf gives me like a dozen each time we train! Besides, Beako already healed the worst of it, there were other who needed it mo–!”
She slapped a hand over her mouth, wide eyes darting to him for a split second. Reinhard's features hardened. It seemed the situation was worse than he anticipated. Worry gnawed at his heart, riling up the need to ask, and ask, and ask, but he forced himself to remain level: “Natsumi, I understand that, for whatever reason, you do not wish to speak about this matter–“
“Right-o! So let's chan–!”
“–but, as a knight, it is my responsibility to protect the Kingdom and all of its citizens. An incident, during which multiple people, including you, suffered bodily harm has transpired. I must know about it.”
Natsumi nodded her head, cradling her chin between her thumb and index finger. “Well, I'm a knight too, you know, and, since I was present at the scene, I can assure you it's all good now. Case closed.”
“That's reassuring to hear.” Reinhard smiled. He had a thread to pull on. “Then we can proceed to the mandatory report right away. You may begin the account.”
“Uh... S-see, my memory's kinda fuzzy, and uh... I'm on maid duty right now, so...”
“Natsumi. As much as I'd like to respect your privacy here, I will not relent. If you will not cooperate, I will speak with someone else.”
“I told you, almost everyone's gone tonight.”
“But the Great Spirit is not.”
Natsumi's head whipped to face him, her anxiety almost material in its intensity. “Huh? You wanna talk with Beako? She's probably asleep by now, and it's not like she...” Her voice trailed off. She watched him, pleading with her gaze, and he felt a sneaking suspicion that even the Great Spirit was not privy to the whole truth. Reinhard grasped one of her hands in his, his eyes locked with hers, and spoke, with all the gentleness he could muster:
“I'm sorry, but I cannot let this go.” His thumb drew a line over her knuckles, tracing over it again and again. He hoped it gave her some small comfort. “You are a dear friend to me, Natsumi, and I cherish your friendship more than I know how to express. You're hurt, and yet, you ask me to pretend that you're not. You know I can't do that, just as surely as you couldn't should you be in my position. So, please, no more games. Talk to me.”
Natsumi's shoulders slumped. Her amber orbs followed the motions of his finger, and without looking up, she half-sighed: “Fine.”
She imparted the story of her unfortunate encounter with the Witch Cult. Reinhard listened, intent, noticing how deliberate some of her word choices and sentence structures were. An attempt at blindsiding his Divine Protection, for certain, but he did not interject. At least she was honest about her injuries, and Reinhard fought hard to stifle his wince as the image of her original wounds appeared in his mind. She kept the bruises over her right leg and hip a secret from the healers, given how exhausted they already were at the time, especially the Great Spirit Beatrice, but he was relieved to hear they managed to avoid any casualties. It seemed like Natsumi's timing was as perfect as ever. He dreaded to think how bloody the incident would have been otherwise. Still, he could not fathom why she was so adamant about hiding the incident from him. Then, as she was about to reach the conclusion, it hit him.
“Natsumi, the scarred woman behind the attack... what was the color of her hair?”
Natsumi's hand trembled in his grasp. “I-I don't remember, it really got away from me... Uh... Blue, maybe?”
His blood froze in his veins. His eyelids spread as open as they could be. “Green.”
“Huh? L-like I said, I don't remember. Everyone here has such colorful hair, it really starts to blend together after a while, which is funny, because–”
Reinhard caught her wrists with as much strength as he could exert without inflicting harm. “Green hair, reaching her waist. Green eyes of the same shade. A fresh scar across the bridge of her nose.”
“I don't remember!”
Though he already knew the truth, when his Blessing activated, Reinhard felt something too intangible for him to name break. “You do. It was her.”
It was all his fault.
He let that woman leave, and Natsumi was hurt.
Because of him.
He let go of her, an uncomfortably familiar pain seizing his body, leaking deep into his bones. Natsumi was protecting him. His failure brought about this disaster. He had hurt Natsumi. Reinhard stared at his hands with a nettled look, and clenched them hard, wishing they would shatter into a thousand pieces, along with the rest of him.
“How did you know?”
“...I heard her talk about you, with the other Cultists, that she got you chasing a fake trail, and then you told me what you've been up to, when we ate... Ah, Reinhard? You know I'd never blame–“
Reinhard sensed her reach for him, but he rose to his feet before they could connect, stepping back until a sizeable distance separated them. He did not want Natsumi to touch him. Not when he had failed her. Again. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. First with the Bowel Hunter, and now, at the mercy of the agents of the Cult. He had to take responsibility.
“Reinhard!”
His gaze flicked to her before he could stop the selfish impulse. The emotion he saw reflected in her eyes made his heart throb. It was too tender and kind to be wasted on him. It made him want to think not all was lost, but the threshold had been crossed. The pain inflicted on her might as well have been done by his own hand. He could no longer stay by her side.
Reinhard dropped to his knee, head bowed in remorse as much as shame. “I do not ask for your forgiveness, I have no right to. My negligence has led to this misfortune, and I swear to you that I shall take the blame and all the punishment that comes with it. Whatever retribution you desire for this grievance, I accept.”
“Reinhard, enough! There's nothing to forgive! You didn't do anything wrong! It was the Cult!”
“I have caused you pain–“
“No, you didn't!”
“I appreciate your attempts to console me, but the fact that I have made a grave error remains.” He stood up, turning away from her, his sights set on the doorway.
He glanced back, taking in the precious sight of his dearest friend for the final time, while he still had the chance to think of her as such.
“Among all the blessings I have been given, your friendship is one I cherished most...”
“Reinhard! It doesn't have to be like this! Why do you have to be so stubborn! And it's coming from me!”
“...and I would rather die than endanger you, or cause you any more harm than I already have.”
With that, his feet carried him away, each step heavier than the last. His hand wrapped around the doorknob, about to twist it open, when a weight pressed against his back, a pair of slender arms enveloping his midsection. Reinhard closed his eyes, a long sigh leaving his lungs.
“I feel like I'm in one of those soap operas my mom used to watch.”
Reinhard inclined his head, fighting down the impulse to ask what a soap opera is. He could feel Natsumi shake, and a chuckle stained with melancholy resonated in his eardrums. Despite himself, Reinhard listened, curious, as Natsumi spoke of her family, a topic she so rarely touched upon.
“She'd always ask me to watch them together, and I'd always say no, but end up doing it anyway half the time. They were bad, like 'I'd rather watch grass grow' bad.” Her forehead laid flat against his spine, warm breaths seeped through his clothes. “I'd give up just about anything to watch it with her again.”
“Why are you telling me this, Natsumi?”
“I don't know. To stall, maybe?” She fell silent. Reinhard didn't know whether moments or hours have passed before she spoke again. “Don't leave.”
“I must.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
His fingers coiled around her wrist, more delicate than he thought himself capable of, wishing and not-wishing she'd relent and let go. Her hold tightened to the extent that, should he be an ordinary man, Reinhard imagined it would have been hard to breathe. But he felt no discomfort. He was neither of those things after all. All the while, his heart continued to scream.
“No, I don't. You didn't do anything wrong. I won't let you throw what we have away so easily. Don't forget that you're my friend too, and if you think I'm going to just accept such a stupid reason...! I've already lost my parents, and my Rem, I– I don't want to lose you too...”
Her voice, tearing and teary. He wanted to stay. He wanted to go. He didn't know what he wanted. What was he doing? Why did he feel so vulnerable?
“...Natsumi, please let go. I want to– have to leave.”
“If you want to leave, then why did you sound so relieved when I hugged you?”
Reinhard opened his mouth to respond, but he didn't know what to say. He had never felt so overwhelmed, so at a loss as to what to do. A myriad of sentences passed through his mind, some harsh, some placating, all empty. Then, something slipped off the tip of his tongue, the words so sudden he couldn't stop them in time.
“I wish... I could be more like you. To be able to feel so vividly, have the courage to want and act upon that want, no matter the resistance you face. Every life you've touched is so much better for it, whereas I... My existence amounts to nothing but ruin.”
He couldn't stop himself at all. His mind was in turmoil, thoughts sinking and resurfacing at random. He wasn't sure which ones escaped past his lips. He wasn't sure if he had spoken at all.
“Your devotion to Rem, I admire it so. When you speak of her, your gaze becomes so distant, like there's something you alone can see. I can't tell if your expression is sad or happy, but I know it's beyond my grasp. I've tried so hard to understand it. Everyone else seems to be able to. Everyone but me. It's all my fault. She keeps sleeping, and I can't do anything about it. He can't do anything about it. When I sit by her bedside, I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do–“
The words kept spilling, flooding, drowning. Reinhard had never experienced such a bizarre feeling before. He couldn't see. He couldn't hear. A cluster of emotions, melted together beyond any recognition, thrashed inside his ribcage, hysterical, and he wanted nothing other than be rid of it.
“–do you know what to do, Natsumi? I'm sure you do. You always do. You're so dazzling, even when you're not. You're human, so human, you're everything I'm not. I want to protect you, and belong by your side, but you're bright, so bright, I can only look away. I'm a weapon, a monster, pretending to be something I'm not, but there's nothing else I can be. Sword Saint. Nothing but mistakes. I try to play the part, and fail, again and again. I let Granhiert escape. I wasn't there when the Whale fell and– and he could have died, I should have been there. And the Cult, back then and now– I wasn't there for you either, and I failed, I– If I lost you I wouldn't–!”
Everything halted. Not by his own will or action, he was incapable of either in his state.
He felt something tender slide under his eyes, and settle over his cheeks.
His gaze, blurred, reflected a glimpse of honey-yellow, then ivory tinted red, then dark.
A flutter against his lips, over before it began, but it was enough for Reinhard to grasp onto, and ground himself away from that madness. He opened his eyes, and time moved again.
Silhouetted in the moonlight like a deity, Natsumi was right in front of him, amber boring into him, cradling his cheeks in her palms, her red lips parted and her breath tickling his face, and there was only one thing he could think to say:
“Beautiful.”
Natsumi startled, her eyelashes beat against her skin as if they were wings trying to take flight. She murmured his name, face blooming scarlet, eyes searching his.
“Feeling better now?”
He nodded, too afraid to speak with his mind still so vulnerable.
She smiled, warm like a spring rain. “I'm glad. I can finally tell you,” she moved closer, enveloping him in an embrace, her ear resting on his chest, just above his heart, “you're a dummy.”
Reinhard blinked once, twice, thrice. Were his faculties failing him?
“You work on your days off, go out of your way to help even a total stranger of debatable sanity, always pour your heart into everything you do without expecting even a simple thanks in return, remain ever kind to friends and foes alike. You shoulder your burden silent and alone like it's the weight of the world, and maybe it is. And yet, despite it all,” her fingers dug into his back, “you see yourself as nothing but a failure. Dummy.”
Reinhard's mouth moved, struggling to find his voice, but Natsumi once again beat him to it.
“Well, that makes two of us.” She chuckled, mirthless, but content, and carried on in her lilt: “Even though our circumstances are different, and I'm nowhere near as brilliant as you, I think I can understand. You're not alone in this pain.”
The little quiver in her tone made him ache for something. Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around her too. It felt right.
“It's easy to start blaming yourself for everything, and it only gets easier from there. That's when the self-loathing kicks in, and before you know it, there's just hate, and you're alone, and you're lost, far from home and with no clue how to get back.”
Reinhard wasn't sure whether Natsumi was speaking to him or herself, but he hung on every syllable, the feelings she described intimately familiar. In a dark pocket of his heart, a spark lit, sizzling with anger. Who made Natsumi feel this way?
“I'd love to be able to share some great wisdom about how to stop, but I'm still waiting for that breakthrough. There is something, though.” She leaned back, still holding him, and stared both right into his eyes and somehow past them. She continued, sounding uncharacteristically older. “...Love yourself. Even when it's hopeless, even when it's the last thing you want to do, promise me you'll try. Don't stay in that lonely place.” Her expression became so strained, laced with ache, and hope, and so much more he could not discern.
Natsumi reached back, plying one of his hands off her back and bringing it close to her lips. Two of her fingers slipped under the edge of his glove, lifting the hem, while she pulled at the material covering his fingertip with her teeth. He stared, mesmerized, as she removed it, the glove dangling from her incisors, contrasting black with white, then falling to the ground. His naked hand tingled, rippling excitement throughout his body. Natsumi laced her little finger with his, and said: “There. It's a pinky promise now, so don't even think about breaking it. Otherwise, you're gonna have to swallow a thousand needles. It's the law.”
Reinhard couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from lifting in response. “I promise I'll do my best to uphold it.”
“Good. You know what they say, every journey's gotta start with a step.”
They remained like this, revelling in their companionship, and Reinhard wished they could stay this way forever. If he were to die right now, captivated in these feelings, he would die happy.
As all good things in his life do, the blissful moment dissipated into the air as his anxiety and guilt tugged at his heart again. Like a slow-acting poison, he felt it seep into him. Natsumi frowned. It must have shown on his face.
“You know it wasn't your fault.” She maneuvered their linked hands, twining them together, palms pressed flat. “Everyone makes mistakes, all the time. It's the most human thing there is, I think. I make them, you make them, even Emilia makes them, and she's a literal angel.”
“But I–“
“You didn't do anything wrong. It was an honest mistake.”
“I'm not allowed to make mistakes, Natsumi.”
“Says who?”
“The Kingdom.”
Natsumi scoffed. “And what has the Kingdom ever done for you to warrant this devotion, aside from giving you a label and a leash?” Reinhard furrowed his eyebrows, ready to protest, but she didn't let him interject. “You told me yourself. Weapon. Monster. Knight. Sword Saint. Tell me, where is Reinhard in all of this?”
“I know what I am.” He meant to sound indignant, but even in his mind, it came out hollow.
“I don't think you do.”
Reinhard's mouth tightened. How was he supposed to respond to that? “Natsumi–!”
“I don't want to argue or make you upset. I don't know either,” she said with a non-committal shrug, “but it's not fair to you. This is gonna sound stupid and mushy, but I'll say it anyway. Reinhard is Reinhard. He wants to have a happy family, he makes mistakes, and he gets sad just like anyone else. He laughs at bad jokes, humors my whims, and always asks me to explain the words from my homeland. He's nowhere near as perfect as everyone thinks, he can be really set in his ways, sometimes says the wrong things, and blames himself for every little thing that goes wrong... But I wouldn't have him any other way. Reinhard is my precious friend, and I cherish him with my whole heart.”
Reinhard's mind went blank, still processing Natsumi's words long after she finished speaking. Warmth bloomed in his abdomen, spreading above and below, until it stretched all the way between the top of his head and the tips of his toes.
“I... I don't know what to say. I'm... Thank you, Natsumi.”
“Sure. I hope with that we can put this matter behind us now, and if not...” She grinned at him, a mischievous aura coating her like a mantle, “...then think of it as the retribution you promised me. You said you'd accept whatever I chose, no?”
“...I did.”
“Then it's settled! Wow, that was some really heavy stuff, huh? Glad that's over with, although...”
Her light demeanor turned bashful in less than a blink. Reinhard tilted his head, waiting for her to continue. He had no inkling as to what to expect.
“You, uh... When you snapped out of that haze earlier, do you... remember what happened, exactly?”
Reinhard looked to the ceiling, contemplating Natsumi's inquiry. He couldn't tell with absolute certainty, but it felt like...
“...A kiss?”
Natsumi let out a wail, palms plastered over her face. She separated her fingers in the middle, peeking at Reinhard with one eye. “I'm so sorry about that. I just... couldn't think of anything else to do.”
“It's... It's quite alright, I'm not upset at all.” Though he was vaguely aware of the kiss before, saying it out loud set a whole slew of reactions off, as if it the words made it real. Reinhard cleared his throat, heat spiking within him, interfering with his reason, and he blurted out: “If there's anything I mind, it's how little I remember of it.”
If the fact he had said something so embarrassing wasn't enough, the stare Natsumi gave him made Reinhard want to jump out the window and steal into the sky. Her hands slowly slid down, revealing her face, ablaze with color. Not that his was any better, if the burning sensation in his cheeks was any indicator. Natsumi put her arms behind her back as she searched his eyes. When her voice rang out, it was far quieter than he expected.
“Do you like me?”
“Of course. I can't imagine how anyone could dislike you, Natsumi.”
She didn't seem impressed with his answer. “Do you like me like you do Julius or Felt or...?”
Reinhard considered his next words. He didn't need to think about the extent of his affection for Natsumi, he already knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, but he was treading a dangerous territory. If he were to tell her the truth, what would it mean for them going forward? Would he make a suitable partner for her? How would their respective camps react? He'd long entertained thoughts of himself and Natsumi, as more than friends, but it was just a fantasy. Where nothing ever goes wrong, and they live in bliss, forevermore.
“I get the hint. You don't have to say anything, I'm sorry for bringing it up and making it awkward...”
Reinhard snapped his attention back to Natsumi, his stomach sinking. “It's not that!” He spoke without thinking as soon as he caught a glimpse of her dejected eyes. Natsumi looked back at him, a little startled, and, dare he say, a little hopeful. Though his worries for the future still gnawed at him, her expression gave him the courage he needed to speak.
“I... I like you in a way I feel only for you. I've never felt like this about anyone else before... Just thinking about you lifts my spirits, and I find my thoughts draw to you every day lately. I... I don't know what I would do if you disappeared from my life...”
Natsumi dipped her head, her nervous expression turning tender. Reinhard couldn't tear his eyes away. “Do you... like me too?”
She didn't answer right away. Natsumi watched him with a hooded gaze, searching, then reached for him, ever so languid, arms wrapping around his neck, forcing him to incline towards her until their noses brushed together. Her lips parted. Reinhard mimicked her, their shallow breaths mingling together. His arm circled around her waist, bringing her closer, shivers coalescing, the anticipation bordering on painful. Then, she inched forward ever so slightly, finding his mouth with hers.
Their lips meshed together, innocent as could be. They remained like this, locked in a prolonged peck, all tentative yet eager for more. He flourished in the velvety sensation, like twirling a young rose pressed to his skin to feel the caress of the skimming petals.
Though it lasted but a few seconds, when they parted, Reinhard was breathless. She stayed close, so close, a flash of pink poking out to sweep over her lips. Briefly, he wondered if Natsumi tasted the same sweetness he did before claiming another kiss. With the novelty of the act gradually abating, instinct surfaced to take over. The tension in his shoulder blades lifted with the understanding that he was not alone in his inexperience. They experimented with movements, angles, and intensity, separating for a breath only to drift back like a gentle tide, over and over again.
Natsumi's fingers sneaked upwards, tangling with his hair, submerging in the locks to trace tender lines. A sharp gasp, laced with pleasure as much as shock, escaped him at the sudden sensation of nails dragging along his scalp. His grip on her waist tightened, involuntary. He felt a warm huff, half-amused and half-apologetic, and Reinhard couldn't help but mirror the smile blooming on her face. He kissed the corner of her mouth, dipping further and further as he planted his lips on her chin, down the column of her collared neck, all the way to its soft crook, light quivers vibrating under her skin, bleeding into him. A honeyed sound slipped out of her as he grazed the sensitive flesh with his teeth, gently nipping and kissing at the spot. It made him proud, somehow, in a very unfamiliar, but welcome way.
They remained like this, settling into this intimacy. Her exploring hands left invisible trails, burning hotter and hotter, as they stroked across his shoulders, over his biceps and the expanse of his back, the motions ever sinking, stilling on his hips for a beat before slinking away to retrace their path. Reinhard responded in kind, his knuckles charting the links of her spine, palm settling in the small of her back, massaging circles, sometimes ghosting over the roundness below, but never straying too far. Reinhard committed the preciousness of it all to heart and memory, each reaction either of them managed to elicit from the other, be it a shudder of breath, cascading shivers that seemed to jump from skin to skin, or a sound so sensual it was impossible not to blush upon hearing it.
Natsumi drew him into another kiss, moulding her body with his, supple breasts yielding against the firmness of his chest. She drew his bottom lip between hers, wetting it with her tongue as she sucked on it, then carefully released it with a soft pop. As she withdrew her face, a thin string of saliva came into view, shimmering in the faint light as it stretched with the growing distance, until it snapped. Reinhard licked it off his lips, the lingering taste making him hazy.
Natsumi's hand grasped his own, her grip resolute, before she started backing away from him, leaving the confines of his embrace. Her lidded eyes seemed almost black as she pulled him along with him, far from the door, towards the luxurious bed. Spellbound, he offered no resistance as she spun their positions around and pushed down on his shoulders, sitting him on the edge of the mattress.
He watched, still captivated, as she closed the distance between them, her touch delicate as she stroked the contours of his chin. Just as Reinhard meant to lean into the gesture, Natsumi shifted, and moved to sit, straddling his lap. With her thighs enclosed around his hips, he felt a needy warmth filling him, reaching parts of his body that had never experienced such a sensation before. The muscles all over his torso contracted, and the inside of his mouth watered with anticipation, though of what, he wasn't certain. He swallowed thickly, feeling his ears burn. Natsumi blushed darkly, as if she knew exactly what he had just experienced. She slung one of her arms over his shoulder, then once again reached for his naked hand, bringing it close to her lips. She planted a lewd kiss on his knuckles, all the while holding his gaze, then placed his palm on her breast, imploring him to squeeze.
Reinhard obliged, all air stolen from his lungs. He could feel the outline of her lingerie through the smooth material of her uniform. His eyes drifted to her cleavage, transfixed on the the way her malleable flesh surrendered to the pressure of his touch. He leaned down, trailing butterfly kisses over the exposed parts of her breasts. Emboldened by Natsumi's little moans, he dipped his tongue between them, licking over a small strip of her skin.
Her uninhibited reaction made him tight all over. Natsumi's arms and thighs squeezed around him like a vice. She hid her face in his hair, letting it muffle her soft pants. Reinhard's kisses grew sloppy, the rising inner heat searing his restraint. His hands slid to her thighs, fingers kneading into them, ever mindful to keep his touch gentle when passing over the bruises that lingered there, slipping beneath the edge of her stocking then gliding up, under the strips of her garter belt, until they disappeared beneath the dark dress to seize at her rear.
“Ah! Reinhard!”
The impassioned way she uttered his name sounded like music, and he wanted nothing more than to hear it again. Natsumi stole a quick peck off him, snagging at his lip, then moved her hands to the collar of his shirt, yanking it open. Reinhard trembled as her hands ran over his bare chest, muscles flexing and relaxing without rhyme or reason. She inclined her head, kissing along his clavicle, her fingers rubbing soft, tiny circles over one of his nipples. A low groan rose from his throat, and his grasp on her backside tightened, enough to make Natsumi inhale sharply.
He buried his face in the side of her neck, fondly breathing in the fragrance of jasmine and citrus wafting from her silky hair, hands still occupied with Natsumi's legs. She turned her attention to his other nipple, while her freed hand drifted down his torso, over his belt, settling just below it with a light touch. The air in his lungs constricted, almost suffocating him in the suspense of her next movement, then finally, finally it happened.
Natsumi's palm slid over his crotch, his thighs inching apart with a will of their own. She cupped it tenderly, movements a bit uncertain, as if she were afraid she might hurt him. As touching as the sentiment was, in his addled state Reinhard did not have the ability to appreciate it like he normally would. Desire and impatience, honed with his lack of experience, dominated his inhibitions, and, without thinking, he reached down to press his own hand over Natsumi's, flattening it for added pressure. He moaned loudly into the frilly collar, Natsumi's quaking exhale sending sparks down his spine. Reinhard's grip slackened, sliding to her hip, as she began stroking him through the material of his pants, firmer than before. Then, they stopped completely, making his body reel in need. He murmured her name, pleading, hands set on her hips. He was about to move, lift his head from the crook to look at her in confusion, when a sharp sensation overwhelmed him.
She opened up his pants, exposing his undergarments to the cool air, her finger tracing over the strained outline of his hardened shaft. Magnified by the wetness spread at its boiling-hot tip, Reinhard felt his whole body contract as the intolerable cold reached it. He mouthed at Natsumi's collar as the shivers seized him. She kissed the top of his head, tangling her digits into the red mess, while her lingering finger pressed on the tip, trailing over it, up and down, in a minute motion. Reinhard bit at the white material covering her neck to try and stifle the sounds he could no longer stop. He didn't know how long or short her teasing continued. He only knew he had to act now.
Natsumi let out a shriek, eyes widening adorably as he rose from the bed, lifting her into the air without warning. He readjusted his hold, easing her lithe form into a bridal carry. Reinhard leaned in, offering her a chaste kiss, then bent to place her upon the bed, back flat against the mattress.
He reached for her feet to remove the black heels, while Natsumi busied herself with the lacing of her bodice. He watched her yank it apart, the tension in his crotch growing painful at the sight. She twisted and shrugged until she was free of the dress. Lace lingerie, a pair of stockings, and a frilled collar, soaked with his saliva were her only apparel now. The contrast of her dark undergarments against her ivory skin made him want to tear the material to shreds. As if hypnotized, he leaned forward, settling beside her, propped up on his elbow. Natsumi followed his movements with her eyes, gleaming with the same desire he held within himself.
She arched her back, letting his hand slip underneath as their mouths sealed together again. Reinhard felt the prodding of Natsumi's tongue, and he parted his lips to grant her access. The movements were awkward at first, but they found a comfortable rhythm and pattern before long. All the while, his fingers toiled to unhook the clasps holding her bra together. As soon as it came loose, Reinhard withdrew slightly, his pants mixing in with Natsumi's. She licked her lips, mouth still open, then dragged her hand down her body to sweep the garment out of the way, revealing her naked bosom to him.
Within seconds, Reinhard tugged his remaining glove off, and cupped one of Natsumi's breasts. He watched her face, contorting in pleasure in response to his touch. It made his heart seize in a different kind of pleasure, much more mellow, but no less intense, to know he was the cause of it. He lowered himself, his mouth now directly above her perked nipple, taking it in. Her eyes fluttered shut as he lavished her breasts with affection, kissing, and licking, and sucking, never stopping the massage on the other one. His body throbbed with delight at each lovely sound he elicited out of Natsumi, until he could no longer contain himself.
His hand glided away from her breast, down her glistening abdomen, all the way to the line of her panties. Taking advantage of Natsumi's daze, he slipped three of his fingers under the material, settling them over her heated core. Natsumi gave a long moan as he stroked along it, fingertips dipping into the wetness.
Natsumi shuddered violently as he pressed his digit inside her. She kept twisting and grasping at the sheets, voicing her pleasure with absolute abandon. Her next moan bordered on a scream as he added another finger, never ceasing the motions.
The sights, the sounds, and the overwhelming sensations all melded together soon became too much for him to bear. Natsumi whined when he retracted his hand, bringing the stained fingers to his lips for a taste, and it was almost enough to send him over the edge. Without delay, he removed her soaked undergarment in one smooth motion, then positioned himself between her thighs. Natsumi's thrashing stilled, her hooded gaze locked on his face. He leaned down to kiss her, as sweetly as he could muster, then drew back just enough to be able to comfortably look into her eyes. He posed a silent question in smoldering blue, and she nodded, a little anxious, but determined.
He needed no more encouragement. In a rush, he tugged his clothes out of the way, exactly as much as necessary. Natsumi trembled, her breaths growing even more erratic when exposed to the evening draft. He gazed down, allowing himself a second to admire the womanhood laid bare before him, then adjusted his position, the leaking tip of his engorged cock primed against her entrance. He looked at Natsumi, needing one last confirmation.
“...Please, Reinhard.”
Slowly, he pressed his erection inside, their united moans like a harmony to his ears. His eyelids fell in rapture, obscuring his view. The softness and warmth of her insides was incomparable to anything else he had ever experienced. The burning desire to push inside in one, swift movement tempted him as if he bore a brand, but he fought against it. He'd never allow himself to hurt Natsumi like this. He kept his pace excruciatingly slow, halting completely at times when any sharp sound escaped past her lips. Only once she reassured him it was alright did he continue, until they were connected as deeply as they could possibly be.
Trapped in her vice-like tightness, he began to move.
He pressed his body against her, his white-purple jacket, somehow still hanging on his shoulders, shrouded their bodies from outside view. Reinhard brushed his lips against hers, too impassioned to focus on the kiss. Natsumi's state was no better than his. He kept moving, his pace increasing at Natsumi's half-conscious plea. Reinhard gritted his teeth, finding it impossibly difficult to hold back as wave after wave of pleasure washed over him, clouding his mind, speeding his movements. Underneath him, Natsumi released a prolonged moan, more unbridled than any of her previous ones, and her body began convulsing, her arms tightening around his neck. He lifted her hips up, readjusting his angle, making Natsumi sing a rhapsody of ecstasy. It was too much, far too much for him to withstand, especially now with her insides' involuntary squeezing, clinching around him with unbearable firmness.
It only took a second for Reinhard to lose control and join Natsumi in her song. His own rapture shut down his senses, enveloping him in bliss he wouldn't even know how to begin describing. His movements, so rapid just moments ago, grew more and more languid, his seed all but spilled by now. Barely breathing from the effort, he gazed down at Natsumi, not surprised to find her looking back. Her eyes were red, still wet with tears. She blinked weakly, before offering a radiant smile that he couldn't help but return.
Reinhard revelled in the sound of her tired laugh, trickling into his ears. He sealed their mouths with a tender kiss, then pulled out, shifting them both into a comfortable position. Natsumi snuggled into his arms, planting one last kiss on his chin before burying her face into his chest, already half-asleep from exhaustion.
Wordless, he wrapped as much of the sheets around her naked form as he could, never fully letting her slip out of his embrace. He gave her a fond look, made even softer when he noticed she already drifted off to sleep. Reinhard pressed his face into her hair, and closed his eyes.
For the first time in as long as he could remember, he dreamed a happy dream.