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"A shark?" Lex asked, narrowing his eyes at the new tank in his office, complete with a roving hammerhead.
"I thought you'd like it," Superman said.
Lex wasn't buying all that false innocence for a second. "Is this a message? You're trying to say that you're the real predator?"
Superman raised an eyebrow. "No, Lex. It's a gift. I was being thoughtful."
Lex clenched his jaw. "Thanks," he said abruptly. If Superman wanted to make this a game, Lex could play too. Well, once he figured out what the game was exactly.
Superman just grinned and then flew away.
--
"They're zebra sharks," Superman said with a smile.
"And... why?"
Superman shrugged. "They're beautiful, aren't they?"
Lex looked at them. He supposed there was a certain appeal to how... untamed they appeared.
"But why the gift?"
"I just think trying repeatedly to take over the world sounds... lonely. I thought you could use some pets."
Lex gritted his teeth. He reminded himself that his secret supply of Kryptonite was to be used only for emergencies and not just because the idiotic alien was being infuriating.
"You should leave, Superman," Lex said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Enjoy!" he said, before leaping out the window.
Lex looked at his tanks, sharks swimming about in them, muscular grace moving swiftly, strange in their beastlikeness but calming somehow too.
He sighed. "This a stupid present."
--
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Lex yelled. "Great whites can't be kept in captivity!"
"But you figured out a way, Lex!"
"After spending all last month building an expanded tank in a chain of warehouses and personally doing all calculations regarding salinity and food sources. I basically had to create a marine ecosystem in the middle of upstate New York!"
"That is an amazing breakthrough! It's going to have big implications for marine biologists, too. You should be proud."
"I was supposed to spend last month collapsing the economy of Morlonia so I could get their energy contracts!!! Which you well knew!!!" Lex yelled.
"Now, how would I know something like that?" Superman said. That sickeningly innocent facade again. How does the world fall for it?
"Just get out of here. And no more sharks!" Lex turned away, facing the tanks, watching his sharks scamper around.
"But that's how we woo people on Krypton," Superman said.
Lex turned around slowly. "What?!?"
Superman stepped closer. "That's how we make overtures on my home planet. We wrestle wild animals and bring them to our beloveds."
Lex stared, unsure if this was a joke.
Superman stepped even closer. Lex noticed that he was breathing fast. He seemed... nervous.
"You're an idiot," Lex said, narrowing his eyes. And before Superman could pretend to be all sweet and innocent and hurt, Lex pulled him into a kiss, long and rough and dirty as Lex could make it.
They parted, and Lex smirked. He had gone up against Superman a hundred times without ever seeing him break a sweat, but apparently all it took was a little tongue to make the guy pant.
"No more sharks," Lex said. "From now on we do things the earth way. Dinner. Dancing."
Superman just nodded.
"Meet me here Saturday at 6," Lex said, and Superman nodded again. It wasn't like him, to be this agreeable.
Lex smiled. He could get used to this.
--
"Stop petting Tiberius!" Lex said, "I'd like them to retain some semblance of their wild personalities."
Superman rolled his eyes and stepped away from the tank. "You named your sharks after Roman emperors? Really?"
"Well, what did you name your lion cubs?"
Superman grinned. "I named one after you, and the other two after my parents."
Lex sighed. "Of course you did."
"Except, well, I hope you're not offended, but I had to give them to a wildlife preserve. I don't have the resources to care for them properly. But I love them so much! That was so sweet of you."
"That's okay," Lex said, "I mostly just gave you pets you couldn't raise as retaliation for the sharks."
"Oh."
"And besides, you've had to adapt to earth customs, I figured the least I could do is learn one of yours."
"...Right... My Kryptonian customs.... Yep."
Lex looked at him and sighed. "That isn't a Kryptonian custom, is it? Wild animals?"
"Uh... sure it is?"
"It is inconceivable to me that anyone is this bad of a liar."
Superman shrugged apologetically.
"But WHY?" Lex asked.
"I saw this movie, and the guy in it reminded me of you. More than anything, he wanted sharks."
"Sharks?"
"Yeah. Like sharks with lasers. But I figured you could do the lasers yourself."
"...Are you talking about Dr. Evil? You think I remind you of Dr. Evil???"
"Well, you have to admit, there are some similarities."
"Because we're bald?! You gave me sharks because a bald man in a satirical film likes sharks?"
"Because you're both, you know, evil on the outside and soft on the inside. And you both have secret lairs and plans to take over the world and you both kind of have that sexy-nefarious thing going on." He flashed Lex a lascivious smile.
Lex sighed. "I need some Scotch."
"Go ahead, I'll stay here and play with Hadrian and Claudius. Maybe I can teach them to play catch."
"Stop treating my sharks like they're puppies!" Lex grumbled, walking out of the room, heading toward the liquor cabinet as fast as he could.