Work Text:
When they were eleven years old, Sat loudly insisted that they were destined to be together, much to the amusement of their parents. He hugged his best friend so tightly that Choke had protested about not being able to breathe. He kissed Choke on the cheek because they were going to get married some day, and Choke blushed red with embarrassment without ever actually pushing him away.
Sat displayed the cardboard robot on his bedroom shelf, so that he would see it every day—tangible proof that miracles could really happen. He draped fairy lights around it and screamed, once, when their housekeeper tried to move the robot so that she could dust the shelf. He burst into tears when his older brother taunted him with empty threats of setting the robot on fire and didn’t forgive him for two weeks. He pointed it out to Choke, sometimes, when he came over to play video games.
Look, he told him. I’ll keep this for the rest of my life.
When they were thirteen years old, Choke started dating their classmate. She was a sweet girl who transferred to their international school because her parents were diplomats. She could hardly speak any Thai, which frustrated Sat more than anything else. He could speak four languages and often switched between them with Choke without even realising it. They understood each other better than anyone else. Their conversations were easy and effortless. They were destined to be together, he kept insisting, and it would only hurt this girl to realise that she had come between them.
The girl left their school six months later. That was nothing unusual. The international school often handled transfers because most students were not Thai citizens. When their parents accepted another position, the children moved with them to whichever country would be their next home.
Choke gave her a flower that he had made from crepe paper and thin wire, and the girl cried until she was red-faced and soaking her sleeve with tears, all the while holding Choke’s hand.
Sat watched them from a distance, stunned and a little disoriented. He dropped his book bag onto the grass because his hands had gone slack. He never once thought that their relationship would mean anything. He expected that Choke would always stay beside him.
They were soulmates! The future versions of themselves had sworn that they would love each other, no matter what happened.
He tried to confront Choke about it, once the girl disappeared from their lives, carried away in an expensive car with special plates, the paper flower still held between her fingers.
Choke took off his glasses and wiped roughly at his eyes, then glared at Sat. He said nothing, pushing past him and heading into the nearest school building.
His best friend didn’t answer any phone calls for the next few days.
When they were fifteen years old, Choke went on holiday with his parents. He sent postcards from Australia with glossy images of the Sydney Opera House and koalas chewing on eucalyptus leaves. Sat tucked them underneath the cardboard robot. Whenever he missed his best friend, he looked towards the shelf in his bedroom and smiled. He sent silly messages over LINE and fought with his brother, Sam, when he suggested that Choke would get another pretty girlfriend while he was overseas.
Choke came back from that holiday much taller than he had been when they left. He complained about growing pains and Sat’s mother purchased vitamin supplements that he could take to ease them. Sat’s father told him that he was becoming a handsome young man.
Sat, meanwhile, went through the first sexuality crisis that he had ever truly experienced. He had always believed that they would get married, because who else could be better than Choke? They were destined to be together. He knew that, trusted in it with everything that he was.
Now he had further proof that destiny was real. When Choke took off his glasses and casually mentioned that his parents were thinking about LASIK, he resembled that half-remembered eighteen year old version of Choke who had cried while confessing that he loved him.
There was a tension between them that Sat was beginning to understand. He caught himself daydreaming about kissing Choke’s mouth, which was something that Choke had forbidden since that first kiss when they were eleven years old. He became distracted watching him during sports practice. His insistence that they would end up together had never wavered, much to their parents’ amusement, but now he tripped into fantasies about just what that future would involve.
During a sleepover, while Choke was relaxing into the futon laid out beside Sat’s bed, Sat was so tempted to reach out into the shadows cast by the fairy lights on his bedroom shelf.
He wanted to touch his face, to trace his eyebrows and feel the indentations on his nose that came from wearing glasses. He wanted to follow the curve of his mouth and feel the softness of his skin. He wanted to know if there was stubble already growing along his jaw. He wanted to run his hands underneath Choke's sleep shirt and see how much warmer the skin was, there-
Choke was looking at him, he realised.
There was a sudden tension in the air. Choke was wide-eyed, somehow startled. His mouth parted as though he was about say something, and Sat glanced at it without conscious thought.
Choke said nothing, after all. He turned over on the futon and pulled the blanket over his shoulders.
He never stayed over again. From then on, Choke offered excuses about why his parents suddenly wanted him home after dinners with Sat’s family. His eyes skittered away from Sat sometimes. He put physical distance between them that went unnoticed by everyone else.
When they were sixteen years old, Choke transferred to a school in Beijing.
Sat found out from their teacher, who had no idea that no one had actually told him yet. He dropped the loose stack of papers that he had been carrying. They drifted out around his feet. He stood there, shocked, before gathering up the papers with clumsy, shaking hands. He apologised to the teacher and then went downstairs, sprinting across the lawns until he reached the administrative building.
He had always been able to find Choke whenever he was looking for him, as though destiny had tied them together so strongly that he could follow the mythical string that bound their fates.
Sat burst into the corridor, short of breath from running so fast, feeling that this was important. He needed to say something that would convince Choke not to leave him behind. He couldn’t be left here in Bangkok, like an abandoned toy, like he was nothing more than a childhood memory.
Choke was there, of course. He stood outside an office, waiting for his parents to finish their meeting.
Sat searched around for the right thing to say. “Which school in Beijing?” he demanded to know. “I can transfer there too. I’m fluent in Mandarin. I can help you learn the language-”
But Choke was already shaking his head.
“Why?” Sat cried out, loud enough that it resounded in the corridor. “Why can’t I go with you? How many times do I have to tell you that we're destined to be together before you believe me?”
Tears welled in his eyes, because he knew Choke better than anyone else. He could tell that Choke was standing by his decision. This abrupt, incomprehensible, terrible decision to leave him.
The tears spilled over. Sat would have covered his face, but that reminded him too much of how Choke’s first girlfriend had wept all those years ago. Instead he stood there, agonised, breathing in rough gasps. He was on the verge of outright panic. He didn’t know what to do to make this better.
The blurry outline of Choke came to stand in front of him.
His best friend held his face with gentle hands, wiping away tears with his thumbs.
“Don’t cry,” he murmured.
That, of course, only made it worse.
Choke moved him so that Sat’s face was pressed into his shirt collar. He rubbed a soothing pattern on his back. His bag slipped off his shoulder and hung suspended at his elbow instead, which must have been uncomfortable.
“I can’t be your whole life,” he told him.
“You can,” Sat insisted, grasping his shirt with a renewed sense of desperation. “You are.”
Choke sighed and moved back. He patiently removed Sat’s fingers and pulled the bag strap over his shoulder. His mouth was pressed into a thin line. He didn’t look conflicted at all, which was devastating.
“I’m not going to be your first everything, just because you decided that we’re soulmates.”
Sat gaped at him. He didn’t just decide that! Destiny had intervened! There was an entire timeline where they separated at eleven years old, only to realise too late that they loved each other! There was a cardboard robot on his bedroom shelf that reminded him to make good choices, to be better—if for no other reason, then because Choke deserved the very best version of himself.
Choke adjusted his glasses and hesitated for a moment. He glanced at the office where his parents would soon be finishing their meeting. He bit his lip and then leaned forward, kissing Sat’s cheek.
When they were sixteen years old, Choke transferred to a school in Beijing.
Sat lay spread out on his bedroom floor, postcards from Australia scattered around him, the cardboard robot blinking its little red light from where it was propped against the door. His eyes were red-rimmed. He hadn’t slept properly since reading the status that Choke posted at the airport. He was considering changing his phone number and dropping out of high school altogether. This was the worst thing that he had ever felt, and he had been in two car accidents: heartbreak.
The door opened, knocking the cardboard robot right into the wall.
Sam peered around the door to check what he had knocked into and winced, seeing that it was the robot. He leaned against the doorframe, clearly expecting his younger brother to tell him to leave. He was holding a small, wrapped plate that must have come from the kitchen.
Sat did not tell him to leave. He just laid there, a fresh tear falling into his hair.
Sam smiled, sympathetic for once rather than amused. He set the plate down on the bedside table and closed the door, shutting out the too-harsh light from the hallway. He sat cross-legged, leaning back against the door, and picked up the cardboard robot so that he could check it for any damage.
“What are your favourite hobbies?” he asked out of nowhere.
“Choke,” Sat replied without moving.
Sam hummed and asked another question. “Which university do you want to attend?”
“The same university as Choke.”
“What career do you want after graduating?”
“I can be a househusband and take care of Choke,” Sat answered seriously.
Sam stood the cardboard robot on its two legs. He removed his hands and smiled when the robot didn’t fall over. “Maybe when your answers change, Choke will come back,” he said, his voice kind.
Sat jerked upwards, looking at his older brother for an explanation about what had gone so wrong.
“Children fall in love,” Sam told him, sounding very wise. “Adults work on their relationships.”
Sat laid back down and stared at the ceiling.
Destiny wasn’t enough, he realised. It hadn’t been enough in that alternate timeline, when Choke chose the ‘safe’ relationship rather than risk getting his heart broken again. Destiny could bring soulmates together, but it was their responsibility to prove that they were worthy of the ‘happily ever after’. Sat had been mistaken in assuming that everything would work out on its own.
“Okay,” he said.
“Okay?” Sam repeated and then nodded. “Good. You better sit up and eat this fruit, then.”
When Sat was eighteen years old, he enrolled in a prestigious university in Bangkok. He became friends with other students after realising that they were all nicknamed after days of the week. He went to the Blue Moon and learned that he didn’t really enjoy drinking alcohol. He loved dancing, though, spinning Tue into circles while their friends laughed hard enough to collapse into the couches. He liked walking home afterwards in the cool night air. Sometimes he wondered if Choke was out there, looking at the same stars and wondering about distant could-have-beens.
He worked hard on his assignments and politely rejected the people who tried to ask him out. Once, he was kicked out of the university theatre for laughing too loud when the smoke machine malfunctioned. Thurs hunted him down later to punch him on the shoulder. They went out for a group dinner afterwards, all grievances forgotten.
He became closest with Masuk, who was grieving the recent death of his boyfriend. Sat often put a friendly arm around his shoulder and murmured truths that he had learned the hard way:
Some things can’t be changed.
Together for a short time is better than never knowing him at all.
Love isn’t enough to bring someone back, if it’s time for them to leave.
Miracles happen, Sat assured him, meaning that there was so much about the world that they could not even begin to comprehend. There was happiness that came after heartbreak, even if it looked different to the happiness that you wanted. You could love someone who had left you and cry until your head hurt, and open your eyes and find that your brother was standing there with a fruit platter. You could miss someone so much that you felt hollowed out and broken, like there was no bright future to look forward to, and then step outside your comfort zone and make lifelong friendships.
Destiny was real. He still insisted that, even after all these years.
When Sat was eighteen years old, his parents moved to Beijing. His mother carried an iPhone around the house so that he could see everything over the video call. His father invited him to visit during the upcoming break. Sam had already agreed to be there with his wife and young son.
It would be a reunion between two families. Choke’s parents were still living in Beijing, even though Choke had already graduated from high school and moved out so that he could attend university. They were excited about meeting Sam and Sat again. They had promised that Choke would be there.
While Sat was still processing that information, his father joked about bringing an engagement ring. “The front garden is big enough for us to hold a wedding-” he teased and then the phone was wrenched out of his hands.
He could hear his mother scolding him. “You’re going to make them feel awkward!” she hissed, her voice staticky because the phone was moving too fast. “Just because they wanted to get married when they were kids doesn’t mean that-”
The video call cut off. Sat stared at the screen, dismayed. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, slipping the iPhone into his pocket before heading across campus. He could call his parents again after classes ended.
So, he had another few weeks to steady his heart before seeing Choke again.
No engagement ring. No awkward confessions. No insistence that they were soulmates, even though it was true. Nothing more or less than two childhood friends. Sat could smile at him and tell the truth: he had been living well. He had found his own interests and friends without Choke there beside him. He had a better understanding of who he was and what he wanted in the future.
If Sat still couldn’t really separate Choke from the concept of home, then he could at least keep that private. Something that only his older brother and closest friends knew about.
Choke deserved to seek his own happiness without worrying about the childhood friend that he had left behind in Bangkok. There were two years of distance between them now. Eventually Choke would meet someone that he was willing to chase after, rather than simply waving goodbye to a departing car, or kissing their tear-streaked cheek right before leaving for another school.
They might not be the person he shared all his firsts with—Sat had been his first kiss, after all, back when they were eleven years old—but it would be the person he offered all his lasts.
His happily ever after, in defiance of destiny.
Sat pulled out his iPhone so that he could message Masuk. He knew from experience that it was important to rely on friends when he was feeling heartache like this.
He was too focused on his phone. Another student turned the corner and knocked into him. The iPhone struck the concrete and Sat winced, bending down to turn the phone over. He checked if the screen was cracked. It wasn’t, but it had started a call with Masuk that might interrupt his classes. Sat swore in English and tapped out a quick apology message.
He glanced at the other student and was so startled that he immediately dropped the phone again. He stood there, utterly shocked. Choke picked up the iPhone this time and handed it over. Sat grasped it with numb fingers and just stood there.
Choke was even more handsome than he remembered from the alternate timeline. His hair was parted neatly. He had grown into his facial features. His eyes were no longer framed by glasses, which meant that he must have already had successful LASIK surgery. His mouth was turned upwards slightly, in an expression that Sat realised was unconfident.
They were wearing the same uniform.
Sat suddenly remembered the cardboard robot, safely tucked into a box back in his apartment. He hadn’t looked at it for months. He wondered if the light that Choke had fitted into its chest plate was lit up red right now. If it still had the power to grant wishes, long after the wisher had lost hope.
“I thought you were in Beijing,” Sat said, a little breathless.
“I wanted to come home,” Choke replied.
“Your- Your parents are living in Beijing,” Sat informed him, as though he wouldn’t already know that.
This isn’t your home, he meant to say. They had attended high school on the other side of Bangkok. There was no conceivable reason why Choke would be here, instead of happy elsewhere.
Choke smiled at him, affectionate. A breeze brushed a strand of hair across his forehead.
“Destiny was taking too long,” he said, the words teasing to hide that they were a little too sincere.
“Really?” Sat asked, a wide grin spreading across his face. “Really?” he asked again.
This time it was Choke who reached out and hugged him, tight enough that he could barely breathe. “I missed you,” Choke said with his face smushed into Sat’s shoulder.
Sat rubbed his back and laughed, bright and giddy, not caring about the other students who passed them in the hallway. He couldn’t wait to introduce Choke to his friends.
Miracles do happen, he would tell them yet again. Here’s the proof.