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He had moved in as soon as Eddie had left the hospital.
Or more accurately, he had refused to move out.
Eddie would need the help after everything that had happened. It wasn’t going to be an easy recovery. Not only did Eddie have reduced mobility in his arm but he also needed physiotherapy, and the medication he was on left him feeling tired. All of this combined meant that life wasn’t as easy for him, not at the moment.
So he had to stay and help.
Christopher hadn’t protested at all at the idea. In fact, and not surprisingly at all, he had loved the idea. Loved being able to spend more time with Buck.
When he first realized that Buck would be staying, he made a list of everything that he wanted to do, all the activities they could do together. They were still making their way through this list together, making memories and enjoying these moments together but every time that he looked at Christopher, his heart ached and his mind wandered.
He couldn’t help but think about what could have happened.
What could have happened had if Eddie hadn’t made it out of the hospital.
What could have happened had Eddie not even made it to the hospital.
If he had died on the road.
If he had died in the engine, mere inches away from Buck.
He knew that it was toxic and dangerous to go down that path, his therapist had told him multiple times that he shouldn’t be thinking like this but he still did. It was a ghost that haunted him, one that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't exorcise.
One he had to let linger behind him to be occasionally haunted by.
And though it had been weeks now since Eddie had told him about the will (the will he was now in)(the will that now stated he was Christopher’s legal guardian), it was still something that he couldn’t comprehend.
That out of everyone in the world, out of everyone that Eddie trusted him to take care of Christopher.
It felt like a lot of responsibility and he never felt worthy of it. It was a major decision Eddie had made, to include him on the will like that. He wasn’t angry, he could never be angry, at Eddie for the decision as Eddie had been right about him. He would always fight for Christopher. He would do absolutely anything for him, even if it meant moving heaven and Earth. But it was a heavy burden to bear, akin to Atlas holding the sky and he couldn’t help but wonder was he truly the right person to look after Chris should something happen.
Sometimes he felt like he wasn’t mature enough.
That he didn’t have the emotional maturity to look after Christopher should his father die because after all, he didn’t even have the ability not to break down when telling Chris that his dad had been injured and was in the hospital.
Christopher had been the one to comfort him when it should have been the other way around.
All he had to do was keep himself composed when telling a kid his father was injured but he hadn’t.
He had broken down…
No. Broken down wasn’t the accurate word to describe what had happened to him.
He had collapsed like a dying star, falling in upon himself, when it came to the thought of losing Eddie.
The nightmare of that day still haunted him. The image of Eddie lying there in the middle of the road in a puddle of his own blood… It was something that no matter how hard Buck tried it kept him awake at night.
Every time he closed his eyes, it was burnt there.
Every time he tried to get some sleep, he felt the blood splatter across his face, saw Eddie fall in slow-motion as if he were in some television drama. He heard the shots ringing out, the screaming as everyone realized what had happened. And he was quickly dragged, kicking and screaming, back to the world.
So eventually, he gave up on trying to get any sleep.
There was no point, not anymore.
Nights were now spent awake, watching the late-night shopping channel, without really taking anything in.
And trying to ignore the thoughts racing about his mind.
Thoughts about Eddie and how he had fallen for his best friend.
Because no matter how hard he tried to deny it, that had happened.
He had fallen for him. His best friend.
But nothing could ever come from it.
Eddie was in a relationship. He had someone, he had Ana and he couldn’t go barging into this relationship, forcing his way in where he had no right to be.
There wasn’t even any proof that Eddie shared these feelings.
So ignoring them was the best way to deal with them.
And it was going fine until everything changed.
It was during one of these nights full of anxiety and loneliness that Eddie found him, sitting on the sofa.
With everything that had happened to him, being shot, nearly losing his son, sleep wasn’t something that came easy to him also. And Buck hated himself not considering this earlier. All he wanted to do was to help Eddie, and he hadn’t even considered that Eddie would be struggling like this as well.
“Not able to sleep?”
The question from Eddie drew him back to reality and he looked over at his friend and shrugged. He wasn’t sure how to answer, how to react to this.
“Me neither.” Making his way through his apartment, he went to the kitchen and opening the fridge.
Buck didn’t realize what Eddie was doing until he returned, clutching two bottles of beer.
He accepted one with thanks, and after taking a quick swig, he stared at Eddie. “Should you be drinking? On that pain medication?" "
Eddie shrugged. “Probably not, so don’t tell Hen or Chimney but I thought that given everything that’s happened, we need to talk.”
“Talk? Talk about what?”
A pause filled the room before Eddie spoke once again. “About us. About this. All that happened.” He shrugged his arm, unable to move it due to the sling, and not wanting to use his other arm in case he spilled his drink.
Buck’s stomach twisted. This hadn’t been something that he had expected. And he didn’t even fully understand what Eddie was warning to talk about. Something must have changed.
Something must have happened.
“I’ve not been honest with you Buck.” Eddie’s gaze dropped, his tone was nervous. He couldn’t seem to form the words, say what he wanted to say. He kept stumbling over the beginning of a sentence, back-tracking and apologizing.
Buck’s own gaze dropped, focusing on a drop of condensation on his bottle. He watched as it raced another drop, both of them eventually getting caught in the tattered remains of the bottle's label. He hadn’t even realized he had been nervously picking at it, and the paper was now caught under his thumbnail.
“I’ve not been honest with you Buck about how I feel. And how I feel I can’t… I can’t keep it up anymore.” Another lull, as if it seemed Eddie was trying to think of the words to say next. Or if he were trying to remember a rehearsed speech. “I broke up with Ana the other day.”
“You what?” This surprised him, causing him to look up, and then upon seeing the look on Eddie’s face he dropped it again. It was full of longing and hurt, he would almost describe it as pining. And it hurt. He didn’t know why. He had cared deeply for Ana. Why would he break up with her? “Why? You were so worried about introducing her to Christopher? I thought that -”
“Being shot - it made me realize that life’s too short. That it could be snatched from us at any time which is crazy given the last year, all that we’ve been through these last few years. All those crazy calls we’ve been to and it just made me realize that I need to do what’s best for me, what makes me happy. I should have realized this months ago Buck.” Yet another pause, and an intake of breath as Eddie once more composed himself, psyched himself up. “That I need to be with who makes me happy and Ana, as lovely and as wonderful as she is… She’s not who makes me happy. Not like you do.”
“What are you talking about?” He was so confused, he kept looking at Eddie, trying to work out just what he meant. None of this made sense. Not in any way that Buck understood, not in any way he wanted because this - this couldn't be happening. Not like this.
“Buck, being with you… I can’t describe how it makes me feel. How you make me feel. Just… being with you there’s something about it that I love. The days spent together… they’re some of the best days I’ve ever had. I know these words they’re not… I can’t describe how I feel, what you mean to me, so please, let me show you.”
Hearing these words, it made him look away because this couldn’t be happening.
Because if he understood correctly, then Eddie had just admitted he had feelings for him. Feelings that Buck had had for years now and had only come to realize recently.
Feelings he thought would never be reciprocated.
Eddie set his own beer down, before taking Bucks from him, setting it down next to his own, the glass clinking gently.
“Buck.”
He lifted his gaze once more, meeting Eddie’s eyes, losing himself in them. Their depth, their warmth, their love. His heart was pounding in his chest as he heard what Eddie was saying, the words not fully sinking in but before he could speak, the distance between the two of them was closing, Eddie’s lips meeting his own.
The sensation was one he had never experienced before.
He had had kisses before. Long tender kisses like this one but this… it was so much more than that.
It was electric and exciting, igniting every nerve and causing every synapse to fire.
It lingered on his lips, time slowing right down.
He could feel the tenderness at this moment, the love that Eddie had for him, and he just hoped that Eddie could feel it too.
It was a moment that he never wanted to end, and when it did, he didn’t even realize that he had raised his hand and cupped Eddie’s cheek, his hand resting in the place that he had dreamed about holding for so long now.
And Eddie wasn't objecting. If anything, he seemed to be enjoying being held. He seemed to lean into the gestured, not wanting it to end himself.
“I…” His word - the one letter that he was able to say - trailed off as there were no words to describe how he felt. Nothing would be able to describe this euphoria he felt. It wouldn’t be able to do it justice. So he allowed himself to sit there, dumbfounded and lovestruck.
“This Evan,” Eddie began, mirroring Buck and cupping Buck’s own cheek with his left hand, the tips of his fingers catching the tears. “Is how I feel.”
And he leaned in again.