Chapter Text
“When this is over, I’m going to be waiting for you. You’d better show up.”
“Don’t leave me behind…”
“Know that I love you. Always.”
“I love you, too.”
“Be careful.”
*~~~*
Kaidan blinks as he looks around outside the Normandy, gazing at the trees and bushes in perplexion. The crew are all in a state of shock, having realized they crash landed on an unknown planet when the Normandy got hit by a blast and shut completely down. Without the galaxy map or the navigation screen up in the bridge where Joker sits, they’re basically sitting ducks lost in space. The planet could be filled with any number of hazards, from the animals to the plants, to the actual atmosphere, and they can’t look on their omni-tools because those are fried too. Although, Kaidan hasn’t asphyxiated yet due to not wearing his rebreather helmet, so that must be a positive sign so far at least.
“Where do you think we are?” Kaidan hears Garrus ask, his voice penetrating through the haze in Kaidan’s head.
Traynor shakes her head, frown set on her face as she, too, looks around. “I don’t know but that blast came from the Citadel, didn’t it?” Garrus turns to her. “Wasn’t… wasn’t the Commander on the Citadel?”
Kaidan can feel the glance Garrus gives him, making his skin prickle from watchful eyes. “We don’t know that.”
“But Hackett said-”
“We shouldn’t jump to conclusions,” Garrus interrupts and then turns to Kaidan, facing him fully. “What do you think we should do now, Major?”
Kaidan blinks more. His eyes have landed on the back of Joker’s head who is looking straight ahead silently, as if feeling the same weight on his chest that Kaidan is currently feeling but for other reasons entirely. It’s not until Garrus says his name, not Major , that Kaidan realizes that he’s the highest ranking officer and is now in charge.
It makes the weight that is crushing his heart jump into his throat, preventing him from breathing. He turns to Garrus, looks at him, and says, “Uh…”
And he feels stupid and the lump won’t let him swallow his shame down. Garrus steps in, striding up next to him, and placing a pitying hand on his shoulder as Kaidan hangs his head. “We should probably start on getting power back to the Normandy.”
“You mean EDI.” They all look towards Joker who still has his back to them, standing rigidly. He turns, face angry with drawn eyebrows. “We have to restore power to EDI.”
Kaidan swallows and almost chokes on his own spit.
“Of course, that’s what I mean,” Garrus agrees, his voice careful and Kaidan doesn’t think he’s ever heard Garrus be gentle before. “Once power is back, we’ll be able to send out and receive messages and figure out exactly where we are. Tali should probably work on that.”
Joker slowly limps back to the door of the Normandy and suddenly Kaidan is hyper aware of the fact that they might have injured crew mates. “I’ll help her,” he says, no longer looking at any of them again.
Traynor follows him, moving slower so as to not catch up. Kaidan can’t blame her. The air is heavy with uncertainty and unjustified grief. They don’t know that the Commander is gone. They don’t even know if it was really him who was the one to make it to the Citadel. For all Kaidan knows, Shepard could still be on Earth being treated for superficial injuries as they stand.
Garrus’ hand is still on Kaidan’s shoulder and they squeeze him gently. “You okay, Kaidan?”
Kaidan swallows, a little easier now, and decides that he should probably get ahold of himself. He’s a Major, the second human Spectre. He shouldn’t be incapacitated by the possibility of his Commanding Officer being killed… no matter what their relationship status was.
Kaidan is a good soldier.
They knew the score.
They knew it was goodbye.
He gives Garrus a quick nod and steps out of his grasp. “I’m fine. Let’s get to work.” Then, he follows Joker and Traynor inside.
*~~~*
He decides to help Tali and Joker with trying to get the Normandy back up and running. The elevator won’t work without power, so Joker shows them the way through the ducts. Tali complains the whole way that she didn’t think she would have to do this again and Joker snaps back that she should try it with a Collector infestation. Tali counters with the fact that she was literally on the Collector base. Kaidan is just confused.
Shepard had, of course, told him about the Collectors attacking the Normandy and about the Collector Base but Joker and Tali never talk about it with him. Neither does Garrus, for that matter. Kaidan isn't sure if it's because of how traumatizing it must have all been or if it's because it's him and he wasn't there , a loyal soldier to Shepard. By the way Tali and Joker talk about it now, inadvertently singling Kaidan out, Kaidan has a sickening feeling it's the latter.
Not that Shepard ever held it over Kaidan's head or treated him any differently once Kaidan was back on the crew after the Citadel coup. If anything, Shepard was understanding and forgiving. It took a long time for Kaidan to come to terms with Shepard not making it a thing and even longer for Kaidan to forgive himself.
If he even has forgiven himself. Some nights, when he was lying next to Shepard, unable to get to sleep, he would just watch him. The shame he felt in those times… Shepard would always wake up, either from a nightmare or just intuitively able to tell Kaidan was staring at him, and he would pull Kaidan close and tell him everything was okay.
Shepard was always okay.
Kaidan should have done more.
He should have…
Kaidan is snapped out of his thoughts by Joker announcing they've gotten to their destination. He crawls up the ladder with Tali following and Kaidan behind her. They come out in Engineering, under the stairs that lead to the main room.
“What do you think happened to the drive core in the blast?” he asks, mostly to fill the silence and to remind the two that he is there.
“We won’t really know until we look at it,” Tali answers and the three of them climb the stairs to the main room.
“Damn it, this would be so much easier if EDI hadn’t been attached to the ship,” Joker complains.
Kaidan hesitates, feeling his omni-tool crackle on his wrist. “I think whatever that blast did would have affected her either way.”
“You don’t know that,” Joker counters, not looking any of them in the eyes.
Kaidan thinks about Shepard, how none of them know if he’s alive or… well… and says, quiet and defeated, “Yeah, I guess not.”
“Let’s just focus on getting the Normandy back up and running,” Tali says, trying to placate them and cleanse the stale air around them.
“Right, first we get EDI back, who then can help get communications back, and then we go find Shepard,” Joker says, as if it’s that simple.
Shepard’s name being said out loud almost makes Kaidan trip, his heart pounding in his chest at the same time something squeezes it tight. Tali is glancing between them and Kaidan can imagine her frowning under that helmet. He feels like he’s suffocating.
The three of them look over the drive core and Tali is the one who figures out what is wrong with it. She estimates that it'll be a slow process fixing it but assures Kaidan and Joker that it can be done. When she starts to explain it in more detail, Kaidan suddenly realizes that it's a bit more complicated than what he can understand and Joker isn't looking much better. So, he excuses himself and calls Engineer Adams, who has been standing off to the side, over to assist Tali in repairs. Then he beckons Joker along, asking him to lead him to the Crew Deck.
Joker leads the way without complaint and as soon as they are on the correct floor, Joker makes a beeline toward the Med-bay and no doubt the AI core to check any damage there. Kaidan, on the other hand, heads to Liara's chambers, knocking first before entering. When he does, he finds Liara standing there, purple blood trickling down her temple, and staring at the dark screens of her computer.
“Liara!” Seeing the blood, Kaidan heads towards her quickly, holding out his hands to try and look at the wound on her head.
She swats him away, pressing a few buttons on her keyboard, frown getting more pronounced. “I am fine, Kaidan, thank you.”
“What happened?” he asks, halting next to her.
“I fell when we crashed onto the planet and hit my head on the floor. It’s fine.” She turns to him. “Now, let me ask you the same question. What happened?”
Kaidan shakes his head, pacing a few steps away from her and then returning. “I don’t know. There was some sort of… explosion from the Citadel. It must have overloaded all our systems, the Normandy and EDI are down for the count.” He takes a breath, looks around the room. “Looks like I’m in charge, too.”
“You don’t look pleased.”
Kaidan shrugs, sitting down in the chair that she keeps in the room. “How can I be? Shepard is… missing and I know nothing about leading the Normandy crew.”
“But you have led, multiple times in the past, if I recall,” Liara comments, coming to stand in front of him.
“Doesn’t quite seem like the same,” he says, eyeing the floor.
“Kaidan,” Liara kneels, getting eye level with him and catching his eyes. “You can do this, Major. Everyone here respects you.”
“Do they?” Kaidan clasps his hands together, looking Liara straight in the eyes. “I mean, have I earned their respect? After everything?”
“Are you talking about Horizon?” Kaidan shrugs again. “Half the crew here don’t know about that. Besides, I didn’t join Shepard back then either.”
“What about-” he cuts himself off, swallowing, and Liara waits him out, waits until he is ready to continue. Taking a deep breath, Kaidan says, “What about mine and Shepard’s relationship? Would they respect me knowing what we were to each other?”
“They respected Shepard, despite knowing.” She stands. “I know this is a tough time, Major, but we need you to be our leader now. There will be time for mourning later.”
Kaidan huffs, standing. “Now you sound like Shepard.” When she looks at him quizzically, he shrugs. “He said something similar to me after… well, after Ashley died.” Liara doesn’t say anything to that and Kaidan doesn’t continue. Instead, he smiles at her, albeit small, and starts to leave. “Thanks, Liara.”
He leaves her quarters, feeling the hot sting of her eyes on his back. He looks around the room, at the different crew members that are huddled together around the table. There’s always time for mourning later it seems.
*~~~*
“You like him, don’t you?” Kaidan looks up from his coffee and gazes into Ashley’s brown eyes. They’re pretty, if one was into that sort of thing and you weren’t looking at someone who felt more like a sister than anything else.
Kaidan chuckles, dismissing Ashley’s smirk. “Who? Shepard?”
Her smile grows. “Notice how I didn’t have to specify.”
Kaidan shakes his head, amused. “There’s not many to choose from, Ash.”
“Well?”
“You’re totally off base,” he informs her, taking a sip of his coffee. It’s almost cooled down all the way now but he can feel a migraine starting to form and he’s hoping the caffeine will help stave it off a bit.
“Am I? I mean, what’s not to like? Tall, beautiful blue eyes,” Kaidan shakes his head, “brown, fluffy hair. Not to mention strong and capable, confident and powerful. Pure leadership material and handsome to boot.”
“It’s not like that.”
“It’s like that for almost everyone on this ship who are into men, LT. Even some of the aliens want a piece of Commander Shepard.”
“You talking about Liara?”
“And our Quarian friend.” She raises an eyebrow. “So?”
“What about you?” he counters. “Why don’t you go after him? You’re probably more his style anyway.”
“Fraternization, LT. Against the regs,” Ashley shrugs, bringing her own cup of coffee up to her lips and taking a large gulp. “Besides, I wouldn’t steal him from you.”
“He wouldn’t be interested in me.”
Ashley stares at him and Kaidan is surprised to not have received a teasing remark. “I wouldn’t count yourself out just yet, Lieutenant.”
*~~~*
Kaidain let’s his eyes fall from Ashley’s name on the memorial wall. He hadn’t even realized that he had journeyed over to it. In the end, she had been right. Shepard might not have felt as strongly for Kaidan back then as he does… did… now but there had been something brewing.
That’s why Horizon hurt so much.
That’s why they both suffered for it.
With a heavy sigh, Kaidan goes off to find the rest of the crew and give them jobs to do.