Chapter Text
Rimmer hovered uncertainly outside the control room, watching as Lister, Ace and Kryten went about their business. Did they even know he was there? More to the point, did they care?
OK, he couldn't touch anything. But he could voice-command things. They could at least let him do that.
Oh, who was he kidding? They didn't need him. To quote himself, he was about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
But he knew why they were ignoring him, if he was honest. Ever since Ace had arrived he'd been like a bear with a sore head. Make that a bear with its privates caught between two rocks.
Not only was Ace his superior in every conceivable way - more handsome, more talented, more popular, more alive, for smeg's sake - he didn't even have the decency to smeg the hell off and leave Rimmer in peace. He'd hung around for days now, rubbing Rimmer's nose in his all round goited unbearableness.
And that wasn't even the worst of it. Not by a long way.
When Ace had arrived Rimmer had noticed Lister's obvious admiration for him - you could hardly not notice it - and seized every opportunity to comment on it, but he hadn't actually believed that it would go any further than that.
However... his mind drifted back to the conversation he had overheard a few hours ago.
"I'm telling you bud, I must be getting a cold or something. That's twice now I've smelt you coming and thought it was Ace."
Lister, blushing like a smegging schoolgirl, had mumbled something about having taken a liking to Ace's aftershave.
Rimmer's mind returned to the present. Lister was seated in front of one of the computer screens, typing to Ace's dictation. The taller man leant over his shoulder, invading his personal space ever so slightly. Not that Lister seemed to mind.
As Lister finished the job - some kind of minor repair to Holly - Ace gave him a brief, light pat on the shoulder. Lister beamed up at him with that sunny smile that seemed as natural to him as breathing.
Rimmer had tried to tell himself that he was disgusted, and the nasty, puritanical part of him was. But he knew deep down what was really bothering him.
He was jealous that someone on this blasted spaceship who wasn't him was getting laid, yes. But he was even more jealous of Ace.
He stared at Ace's hands, so like his own, and imagined them caressing Listy.
Listy? When had that nickname become affectionate rather than snide? When had his antipathy to Lister transmuted into an equally strong but entirely opposite feeling? He didn't know, but Ace's arrival meant he could ignore it no longer.
He was jolted from his reverie by that suavely infuriating voice.
"See you later, Kryters. Davey-boy and I are off for a stroll."
"Of course, sirs," Kryten replied innocently.
It was too late to run, so Rimmer entered the room with what he hoped was a nonchalant air.
"Ah, Lister. Kryten. Everything tickety-boo now?"
"Fine, sir," Kryten muttered.
Lister rolled his eyes and left the room, followed by Ace, who tossed the words "Bye, Arn" over his shoulder.
Stupid smegging ponce. He couldn't even let Rimmer ignore him without spoiling it. Rimmer stood and fumed, oblivious to Kryten's disapproving gaze.
Enough of this. I have to know.
He waited as long as he could so as not to appear to be following them, then promptly did so, running as soon as he judged himself out of Kryten's earshot.
He was just in time to read the display on the lift at the end of the corridor. A Deck?! They're carrying on their gay affair on A Deck? Where the Captain's quarters are? This just gets worse and worse!
When an appropriate amount of time had passed, he spoke into the voice command socket and summoned the lift. As he travelled upwards, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. After all, how stupid would he feel if it turned out he was wrong? Maybe Lister was ... teaching Ace to knit or something. That would explain the blushing.
Oh, come off it.
He exited the lift and stepped out into the most luxurious area of the ship.
After Holly had decontaminated the rest of Red Dwarf, Rimmer had naturally taken the opportunity to explore the upper decks. Of course his intangibility meant that he was basically dependent on the skutters, who did not share his interest in ransacking Todhunter's quarters for evidence that the officer had not been the model of propriety he had appeared to all and sundry. Kryten would have reluctantly helped if ordered, but that would have spoiled the fun of it being his discovery. After a while, Rimmer had given up in frustration, but not before familiarising himself with the entire top deck.
He searched along the corridor, peering cautiously through each open door until he reached one that was not only shut, but locked.
The Penthouse Suite? How corny is that?
He bit his lip as he considered what to do. Being soft-light, he could of course push through the wall if he concentrated hard enough. The small problem with that being that he wasn't invisible.
Of course! The air vents!
Steeling himself, he jumped up and forwards in the direction of the air vent, landing awkwardly on the phantom edge but managing not to fall through it. It had taken him a while to get used to the differing physical laws he was now bound by. He pulled himself up into the air vent, thanking his lucky stars for once that he was a hologram. Otherwise, that would have hurt.
He crawled along the shaft until he reached the next vent on his right, took a deep breath and looked through it.
His mouth fell open.
They definitely weren't knitting.
Jerking back, he clenched his fists to keep from exclaiming out loud and betraying his presence. He closed his eyes as though he could somehow unsee the picture that was scorched across his retinas.
Well done, Rimsy. You were right. Now let's get out of here.
For some reason, his body refused to move.
His thoughts were interrupted by a groan from Lister, the kind he had often heard whilst pretending to be asleep in the lower bunk. Only louder and more heartfelt. What if that ... bastard was forcing him into something he didn't want?
He had to look one more time. Just to make sure.
He looked through the air vent again and stared transfixed as his dimensional alternate slowly and deliberately licked his way down Lister's exposed neck and chest. The younger man whimpered softly as his nipples were teased.
Rimmer's trousers suddenly felt extremely tight. He pulled back from the vent and tried to focus on breathing steadily. His penis had other ideas.
He forced himself to crawl a few feet away from the vent, willed his clothes to disappear and began stroking himself to the rhythm of the noises he could still hear Lister making. The image of his bunkmate, eyes closed, lips parted, arching beneath his double, had imprinted itself on his brain.
He could not help a muffled gasp as he came over his hand, his body shuddering in ecstasy.
As soon as Rimmer came back to himself, he was afraid that he had been heard. Fortunately, the continuing noises he could hear seemed to indicate not. He made his uniform reappear, crawled carefully back along the shaft, jumped down into the corridor and made his way hastily to the nearest lift.
It only took him a few floors to decide that this was all Ace's fault. Prancing around, flicking his stupid floppy fringe and generally acting like a big girl's blouse - no wonder it was starting to rub off on the Red Dwarf crew. Rimmer wouldn't even have thought of looking at Lister that way if Ace hadn't been there.
It was a shame that he didn't hang around a little longer; he would have heard the name Lister moaned as he finally climaxed.
It wasn't "Ace".