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He can feel the cracks form long before they're visible. Saturn is not one for conflict, nor is he one to watch idly as everything breaks around him; but there's simply nothing he can do.
Like an experienced skater, he knows to stay by the edges of the river lest the middle cave under your weight - the darkness of the cold water below is harsh and unmerciful under the thin ice. His life has always been like this.
He should be happy, but it feels like he hasn't felt that way in ages.
Perhaps it'd be alright if he disappeared. It would be easy. It's not as if he would be mourned for long. He's not a genius like Number 7 or as dependable as Zero is, nor is he like Ice, a warm presence capable of calming even the most terrible of breakdowns - he's nothing compared to the three of them. He loves them all so much, but they would be fine without him. He's only been good for his money, his only redeeming quality; Arceus knows that his parents thought so, as well. If he’d left everything to them, then it would be fine.
He sits there in the corner of the kitchen, only looking up when the front door opens to stare at Zero when he finally returns. Zero does nothing but stare, his pupils dilating slightly and his body slowly turning away to signal that he's going to just go to his room. It's only a few seconds, but with that singular implication Saturn feels his eyes prickle and fill with tears when he immediately comes to the realization that he's been absolutely nothing but a bother - he's brought nothing to the table but problems, as he always has. It's not any wonder that Zero doesn't understand him, no wonder that he doesn't want to deal with him. It's understandable, after all the shit he's pulled, everything he's made him go through. Even while still in Zero's arms, his mind races faster than it ever has; his chest is full with an aching pain that makes him want to claw at himself until it goes away. He wants so badly to whisper something like "please don't leave me" or "I'm so sorry", but there's no point in doing something like that because no matter how much he begs and apologizes things are going to end eventually whether he wants them to or not.
Time passes.
He lies in the bed, the light streaming through the gap between curtains. He can hear the wind blowing and the sound of Taillow chirping from the balcony, and from the hallway he can hear Zero answering the door; he can assume it's the police from Zero's tone of voice (and from what he'd just done the day before). Rolling his head to the side, he feels tears welling up in the corners of his eyes again but he wipes them before they can pool enough to drip down his face. He curls up, bringing his legs up to his chest, the blanket shifting with his movement. He can't die, no matter how much he wants to in this moment; It would be selfish of him. He's already done so many selfish things.
He wonders if Number 7 and Ice are having fun.
He falls back asleep.
By the time he wakes up again it’s late afternoon, and he idly slides out of bed, walking towards the balcony. His clothes and hair are disheveled from his rest, and he yawns tiredly. The sun is just beginning to lower from the sky and he stares out across Veilstone and the forest surrounding it. The buzz of Zero’s magnemite hums in his ears as they circle around the apartment, a few strays moving closer to Saturn and whirring as he gently rubs one of them as it approaches.
He hears the door to the bedroom open, and Saturn turns, craning his neck to look back. Zero stands in the doorway for a moment before he approaches, standing next to him on the balcony.
“Do you know when Ace and Kei are coming back?” He asks, his expression somewhat unreadable. If it were any other day, he’d ask what was up with him, but he feels too much guilt to try. Saturn looks away from him, and back at the magnemite as he replies.
“No. I assume they’re sightseeing. It might be a few more days.”
Zero doesn’t say anything but Saturn can see him nod from the reflection on the magnemite in front of him.