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“Tarth! Could you finally honour us with your attention?”
Brienne reluctantly turned her head from the drops sliding down the window glass and looked at Mr Tarly, the teacher of history, her least favourite subject. “I… I was just…”
“Spare us your excuse and better repeat what I said about the wars during Goldenhand the Just era.”
Someone snickered to her right. Probably Lannister or one of the Red Ronnet gang, she didn’t care.
Brienne took a deep breath, trying to recollect everything she knew about Goldenhand the Just, one of the most fascinating historical figures. Not a man of virtue, with a dark and twisted past, he survived the rumoured Long Night, seized the throne afterwards and rebuilt Seven Kingdoms after the long period of rebellions and civil wars.
Brienne knew all that but the intense and full of scorn gaze from Mr Tarly wasn’t helping her memory.
“Ask her about Goldenhand’s love life. I’m sure Tarth would have a lot to say,” Lannister said with a smirk tugging his perfect lips.
The class laughed. Don’t you dare to bring this up, Brienne sent a deadly look in his direction to which he had the audacity to respond with a flippant wink.
“I know today’s the Maiden’s Day and you all are waiting for these ridiculous celebrations,” Mr Tarly said with clear distaste in his voice. “But you should not think about this romantic crap while attending my lesson. Especially you, Tarth.”
The implication was hard to miss. Brienne felt her face getting red even though Mr Tarly was right. Maiden’s Day wasn’t for someone like her.
“Now, since we have settled this matter,” he continued, “Tarth will tell us what she knows about…”
The loud knock interrupted him and a second later two first-year girls appeared at the door. They both were wearing long white dresses imitating Maiden’s attire and had flowers in their long hair. At the sight of a large basket decorated with white ribbons they held in their hands, Brienne’s heart fell. This day couldn’t get any worse, could it?
“Hello, Mr Tarly,” said one of the girls, “we are here to deliver Maiden’s Day cards if you don’t mind of course.”
“Yes, I was warned about this clownery. Do what you have to do but be quick about this. I don’t want to waste too much time on this stupidity.”
Without another word, girls started their task, the worst part of Maiden’s Day celebrations in their school. It was meant to be the opportunity to send the words of love or friendship to the people you care about. And it undoubtedly was nice to receive those, no wonder most people loved it. But not Brienne.
For her, it was just another reminder of how unlikable and unlovable she was. As if she didn’t own the mirror.
Brienne opened her coursebook with a sigh. At least this provided a little distraction so she could discreetly check the facts Mr Tarly might ask her later.
However, reading turned out to be an impossible task when the whole class was cheering and clapping at the announced names. Brienne closed the book and looked around. As expected, a huge pile of cards lay on Lannister’s desk and could only be matched with Margaery’s. Other people also received one or two cards. It was just Brienne that got nothing at all. She tried to ignore a pang in her heart. It shouldn’t be a surprise for her but every year it somehow was.
I should have sent one card to myself. The bitter thought wasn’t new. She considered this possibility a few times but she has never brought herself to do it. How pathetic and desperate one could be to even entertain such an idea?
Yet, Brienne bought one card. It was so beautiful and the words she wrote inside so sincere. She stared at it the whole previous evening imagining how he would react if he received her card. Would he guess it was from her? Would he notice her? Would he look at her? Would her words move his heart to feel the same for her? The whole night was full of sweet dreams and possibilities but when the morning came, her fears and insecurities kicked with a new force.
In the end, she didn’t send the card, too afraid of being seen putting it into the basket. Who would want to be fancied by such a beauty? She could hear Ronnet’s hateful voice and his vicious laugh.
“Brienne Tarth.”
Brienne looked around confused.
“I’m Brienne,” she said in a weak voice.
The girl with long auburn hair came to her desk and handed her a card.
“Happy Maiden’s Day,” she said with a smile.
“T-thank you,” Brienne reached for it with trembling hands. It was the most beautiful card she has ever seen and the name written on it was unmistakably hers. And there was something written inside but Brienne didn’t dare to read in the presence of the whole class.
“Look at this, even our Beauty found her adorer,” Ronnet scoffed from his seat.
“Who is it from?” Hyle joined. “My bet is on Professor Targaryen.”
The loud laugh filled the classroom but Brienne didn’t hear any of it. She just got her first Maiden’s Day card and no jokes could ruin this moment for her.
“Enough!” Mr Tarly’s piercing voice cut through the noise. “Are you done? Good, then get out, I still have a class to finish.”
The girls quickly left, not wanting to cross the line with a surly teacher.
“Now, when the madness is over, we can finally continue with the serious stuff. Before we were interrupted, Tarth was going to tell us… Tyrell, could you be so kind and stop reading your cards now? Even Tarth here does the better job controlling herself.”
“I’m sorry, Mr Tarly,” Margaery chirped with a wide smile on her face. “It won’t happen again.”
The rest of the lesson passed in a haze. Brienne didn’t care about Mr Tarly’s crude remarks, she ignored Red Ronnet’s cruel jokes and didn’t pay attention to the grim expression on Lannister’s face.
When the bell rang signalling the end of a lesson, she quickly packed her stuff and headed toward the door. She wanted to leave the classroom as quickly as possible, find a quiet place and finally read a message written inside.
She was just passing the library when someone called after her.
“Hey, Tarth, wait.”
Brienne reluctantly stopped and turned to see Lannister on her heels.
“It’s impossible to keep up with you and your ridiculous legs.”
“What do you want?”
“Have you read your card?” he asked with an expression she could not quite figure out.
“It’s not your business.”
“If not, then throw it away. It’s-”
“Don’t tell me what to do with my card,” Brienne cut him off. “Better get back to the pile of yours.”
Brienne left without waiting for his response.
Finally finding an empty corridor, she sat on the floor and retrieved the card from her bag. Beautiful, her trembling fingers traced over the smooth surface imprinted with intricate silver patterns. Her racing heart almost stopped in her chest as she read the written note.
It was short. Merely a few words but they made her happy like she never was before.
*
Later this evening Brienne stood in front of a mirror in her room and critically assessed her looks. The new blouse of the colour of the deep sea didn’t make her pretty, no clothes could in fact, but it went quite nicely with her eyes. Brienne hoped that Renly would like that. He always had a remarkable sense of fashion.
Despite her best attempts her hair still remained thin and flat and the powder didn’t quite mask her freckles. It only made them look even worse. Brienne quickly removed the cosmetics and decided on a simple mascara and lip gloss.
Still not pretty but a bit nicer. She wanted Renly to appreciate her effort. She wanted him to like her.
But he already does, Brienne told herself. He must have noticed me. Otherwise, he wouldn’t ask me to meet him.
Half an hour before the settled time, Brienne left her house.
“Have fun, my Starlight,” her father said with a wide smile on his face. He was almost as happy as her when she told him the news.
Now on her way, Brienne couldn’t stop the nervousness twisting her insides. The first date in her seventeenth year of life. How would it go? Where would Renly take her? Would he hold her hand? Would he kiss her?
She reached the place five minutes before time. He was still not here. Trying to calm down her nerves, Brienne counted all the tiny puddles on a park alley. It was already time when she finished. She looked around. The alley was empty. The unsettling feeling settled in her chest. Maybe something delayed him? Or he didn’t plan to show up at all? Brienne took a deep breath. No, Renly wouldn’t do it. He was kind. She still remembered that evening when he found her in a dark corner of the room, fusing with a wall and counting minutes to the end of the event. There was no laugh when he extended his hand and invited her to dance with him. For the first time someone treated her like a girl she was. A beautiful girl. She has loved him since. Her eyes always sought him out in the crowd, finding any opportunity to be close to him, memorizing every single word he said to her and every tiny glance thrown in her direction to fuel the tiny pleasant spark he had planted in her heart...
“Oh, look who’s here! Brienne the Beauty.”
Her heart sank. Immersed in the memory she didn’t immediately notice the group approaching her. Anyone but not them.
“And what a beauty she is!” Mark Bushy added. “She even put makeup on!”
“A painted cow,” they chucked.
“No matter how hard you try, no amount of paint will hide the ogre underneath.”
Brienne clenched her fists at her sides.
“Are you done? I don't have time for this, Ronnet.”
“Don't you? Why? Are you busy waiting for your date?”
“And what if I am?” Brienne said defiantly but her words disappeared in a new burst of laughter. They laughed so hard that tears appeared in their eyes and ran down their reddened cheeks.
“Do you really think Renly sent this card to you?” Ronnet said, trying to catch a breath.
“Wait, how did you know it was-” Brienne abruptly stopped as realisation dawned on her. “It was you, wasn’t it?”
She didn’t need to hear the answer. The truth was written upon their hateful faces. Brienne felt her own was getting hot as she blinked desperately, trying to hold back tears gathering in her eyes. It was just a joke. An ugly girl who was stupid enough to believe that someone might like her. Now she was standing there in her best clothes, embarrassed and humiliated, put into her place. Brutally reminded that there was no love for someone like her.
“Finally you got it? How stupid you must be to think someone like Renly would want you? Or anyone else in fact.”
“Shut up, Connington.” Another voice cut through the giggles. “Better for her that such cunts like you won’t waste her time.”
Everyone turned their heads to a tall figure in a black leather jacket and with long golden hair falling graciously over his shoulders.
“Lannister,” Ronnet hissed, his face immediately twisting with anger and hostility. He had never been friends with him but since the beginning of this semester, they openly despised each other. No one knew what happened for sure, the only rumours Brienne heard were about some conflict over a girl, which sounded ridiculous and as far from the truth as they could.
“I don't remember inviting you on my date with Brienne,” Lannister said nonchalantly and to her great surprise, he stepped closer and took her hand in his. She froze at the sensation of his warm, slightly calloused fingers tightly squeezing her own. “And I’d rather enjoy my time with her without your dumbasses around. To put it simply, get the fuck out here.”
“Or what?”
“Or I’ll refresh your memory.”
Ronnet narrowed his eyes, considering Lannister’s words. His fists clenched at his sides and she felt the hold tighten around her hand.
The tension was growing with every passing second.
“Let's go,” Cannington finally said to his pack and they obediently retreated.
Brienne let out a sigh of relief at the sight of their backs.
“How desperate you must be to want such a freak?” Ronnet threw the last insult over his shoulder and then they were gone.
“Good riddance.” Lannister shook his head, disdain clear in his voice. “Bunch of pathetic assholes.”
Only now Brienne, who for the whole exchange stood like a stone statue, found the ability to turn toward him.
“You didn’t have to do that.” Brienne freed her hand from his grasp and stepped away from him. “W-why?”
“Because you were too stubborn to take my advice and throw the damn card away.”
“So you knew about it.”
“Yes.”
“Did you take part in it as well?”
“Really?” He raised one brow. “That’s what you think of me?”
“I don’t know what to think of you.”
Lannister ran a hand through his golden hair, the expression on his face darker than a heavy rain cloud coming over the park.
“Fair, you don’t have to trust me but even you must have noticed that I never associated Ron and his dogs.”
“But you knew about it and where to find us.”
“I overheard them talking about it in the changing room,” Lannister shrugged. “I didn’t think that after the warning I gave them, they would still do it but they did. I went to your home, hoping to intercept you there but you had already left. Luckily your father knew where you could be found.”
Brienne listened to everything, not quite believing what she had just heard. Why on earth would Lannister go to such an extent to save her from humiliation? Why did he care? Why was he doing it again when all their other interactions were usually limited to the reluctant acknowledgement of each other's presence?
“What warning?” The question slipped from her tongue before she could stop it.
“Nevermind.”
Brienne bit her lip, trying to come up with something that would break the growing uneasiness when she heard him chuckling.
“What is so funny?”
“It’s still Maiden's day and we’re on a date. You don’t actually want to spend it here staring at your shoes, do you?”
“W-what? But you can’t mean it…”
“Why not? Do you have anything better to do? It’s not like Renly is going to show up.”
Brienne stayed silent, her mind going blank under the intensity of his gaze and the impossible offer he just made. It was Jaime Lannister. The insanely handsome arrogant asshole who always joked and teased everyone around except for Brienne. He didn’t pay her any attention at all. For almost three years they had known each other, they exchanged no more than ten words. It was fine that way, Brienne always told herself, pretending not to hear the laughter around him that she had never been a part of. Sometimes, in the moments of oblivion, she could find herself smiling at the joke he made or at the way his long golden locks moved when he shook his head. Embarrassed, she always lowered her head to any book she had in her hands before the cutting green eyes would catch her and set her whole face into the fire.
It was like that until the day when he found her at evacuation stairs, completely hooked with the romance novel about Goldenhand the Just and Blue Knight.
“So here is your hiding spot,” he said then, sitting beside her. “Everyone is taking bets on what happened to you and you are here reading historical smut. Tarly will be delighted with your choice of books. Oh, and by the way, the class has already started about fifteen minutes ago.”
“So why aren’t you there?”
“I’ve got tired of that prick.” Lannister shrugged and pointed at her book. “So, have they kissed already?”
They both missed the history class that day, spending it on fighting for the book. Every time it landed in Lannister’s hands, he managed to open it at the spiciest and most explicit moment and to her absolute horror and embarrassment, he read them out loud adding his obscene commentary.
“At this point, I’m surprised he didn’t become Goldenhand the Lust or the Thrust. Which one would you like better, Tarth? The Conqueror of Maiden’s Cunt?”
Eventually, they were both caught in the middle of the fight and escorted to the principal, where Lannister took the whole blame for skipping the class upon himself. It didn’t save her from detention but Brienne was grateful nevertheless.
“Thank you,” she whispered from her seat when the teacher guarding them left to get another cup of coffee.
“For saving your reputation?” he smirked at her, igniting a wave of heat coming to her face.
“Yes, for not telling them about the book.”
“You’re welcome. And I’m sorry.”
None of them said anything more except for awkward bye late afternoon after they finished their punishment.
The next day everything was just as usual. She swallowed a timid hello, Jaime that she prepared to greet him. He was too occupied with talking to Margaery to even notice Brienne. For the rest of the day she spent scolding herself for thinking that anything would change. People like him don't care for people like me, Brienne concluded, deciding that if he wouldn't acknowledge anything, neither would she.
They pretty much ignored each other until that basketball game in PE class when they accidentally ended up on the same team. Both of them taller and broader than the rest easily outplayed Ronnet and his team to the point that when the teacher wasn't looking, angry Connington threw the ball with all his strength at unsuspecting Brienne. The ball hit her head, she saw stars dancing in her eyes and Lannister immediately appeared at her side and offered to take her to the school nurse.
“I guess you are able to walk or do you want me to carry you?” He asked as they were slowly walking through the empty corridor.
“I'm too heavy…” Brienne blinked, trying to get rid of the black circles overtaking her sight.
“I'm strong enough. And you’re stumbling”
“No.”
She closed her eyes as the wave of dizziness crushed her. Was it the effect of the hit or the image of Jaime Lannister holding her in his arms?
“Tarth, are you alright?”
“I need to sit down.”
He let her to the nearest bench and slowly sat her down.
“Does it hurt?”
“I don't know.”
“Let me check.”
Brienne nodded and before she knew what was happening, she felt his hand slowly sneaking up to her neck and disappearing in her hair. It's just examination, she thought as the first goosebumps covered the skin of her arms and thighs.
“Are you cold?”
“No.”
“Sit still.”
And she did, even though her insides shuddered in pleasure and her heart raced faster than after a hundred-meter sprint. Lannister's deft fingers moved to the right, his thumb brushed over her ear. It felt almost like the gentlest caress she longed for but never expected to experience. Involuntarily to her, her touch-starved body leaned in and her mouth released the sigh so deep that it almost came out like a moan.
Brienne froze in horror, embarrassed by her body's reaction. Her eyes slowly opened, prepared to see a mocking smile or a burst of laugh but Lannister's beautiful face was still and serious, with his eyes focused solely on hers.
“Don't move,” his voice sounded different. Hoarser? Or was it just her imagination?
“Ouch.” Cutting pain from where his fingers pressed made her flinch.
“Here. Just a little bump.” Lannister smiled and removed his hand. “Don't worry, you'll survive this, Tarth.”
“Maybe we should get moving,” she mumbled, lowering her head, not able to look at him anymore.
“Yes, we will. Let's just sit here for a minute.”
Brienne didn't argue and after quite a long moment, Lannister finally decided they were fit to move.
Brienne was released from the rest of the school day. It was Friday, the whole weekend she was recovering and overanalysing the strange moment that occurred between them. Only when she returned on Monday, through the class gossip she found out that Lannister had earned a week of detention for accidentally dropping a dumbbell on Ronnet's foot but they never talked about it again.
“What is it, Tarth?” His voice brought her back from her memories. “Am I not your type?”
“You are… I mean, you're not… Well, it doesn't matter. I just…” The words were coming out ragged and chaotic, devoid of any sense or coherence. Brienne took a deep breath, silently cursing herself for her inability to express her thoughts in an elegant and eloquent way. “I just… I don't want you to feel obligated to do it. You already did more than anyone else would and I thank you for that. You probably had other plans for the evening and I don't want to…”
The end of the sentence was an incomprehensible flow of words, the mix of everything lingering in her heart. I don't want you to pretend that you care. I don't want you to waste your time on me. I don't want you to regret that. I don’t want to hope it meant something.
“I don't have any other plans,” he simply said. He wasn't smirking anymore.
“How so? You got a whole pile of cards.”
“I didn't read them.”
“Why?”
“There wasn’t the one I hoped to get.”
“You won't know before opening.”
“But I do.”
“Did you send her yours then?”
“I didn't.”
“Why?”
“So many questions, Tarth,” he laughed but answered anyway. “I didn't think she would welcome it. Did you send yours?”
“No. I don't think anyone would be happy to get a card from me.” Brienne admitted, not quite looking at him, afraid that in her eyes he would see the pain of the brutal realisation she was forced to make. “But I still think you should have tried that. I really doubt that anyone would refuse you.”
“But you would.” Lannister stated as a matter of fact. “Listen, Tarth, I was serious. Since we both turned out to be cowards who didn't receive what they hoped for, we could make it a bonding experience and go on a date. I mean, it doesn't have to be a real date if you don't want to,” he quickly added, seeing her wide-open eyes. “So, what would you say?”
Brienne hesitated for a moment. The tiny droplets of rain from the thick dark blue cloud landed on her nose.
“Let's go. Do you know any place nearby? I don't think we have much time before it starts raining for good.”
Luckily Lannister knew the perfect place. They almost managed to reach it before the wall of water fell from the sky. The last several meters they ran with all they had in their lungs and legs. Yet, despite the effort, they entered the cosy coffee place with a crackling fireplace, out of breath, with soaked jackets and hair stuck to their faces. At least I have waterproof mascara today, Brienne silently congratulated herself over this sensible choice.
The place was almost full of couples celebrating Maiden's day and their love. The only available space was a tiny table in the corner with even tiniest couch beside which certainly was designed with cuddling in mind.
They exchanged looks.
“We take it,” Lannister said to the waitress and Brienne felt her cheeks getting hot. “It's not like we can go anywhere else in such weather.”
The couch turned out to be even smaller for two people of their size.
“Are you okay?”
“Y- Yes,” Brienne stumbled. Their thighs were touching and even the lightest contact of his body was sending goosebumps down her spine. It's just cold because I’m wet, Brienne firmly told herself. And it's not a real date. Relax.
Lannister sitting beside her didn't seem to have such a problem at all. He looked like a cat who just found a jar with cream. His green eyes shone with content as he couldn't prevent the corners of his lips from smiling and revealing the tiniest dimples Brienne has never noticed before.
They ordered spiced tea which arrived after a few minutes of pure torture of not knowing where to put her hands so they wouldn't betray how nervous she was or worse, create an awkward situation by accidentally brushing against him.
Brienne took a small sip which immediately spread through her whole body in a pleasant hot wave. The conversation flowed, about everything and nothing in particular, the school, the hobbies, the ideas of getting on Mr Tartly’s nerves, one crazier than the other. Brienne thoroughly enjoyed it. Jaime’s deep voice and captivating smile, the savoury drink and the quiet music coming from the audio set located in the corner, the new version of The bear and the maiden fair, hitting the top position in all popularity lists, sang to the gentle sounds of guitar and flute.
“Naughty lyrics with a soft romantic melody. How do you like such a mix?”
Brienne put her empty mug on a table beside his and slightly turned toward him. Their thighs brushed and a new wave of crimson attacked her cheeks. It was a terrible idea.
“Well…” She hesitated, trying to choose the right words which wasn't a simple task under his amused gaze. “I think it's a bit like you in a way, Lannister. Beautiful at first impression but the more you hear the more obscenities you get.”
“Thank you very much,” he chuckled, pretending the offence. “And I'm Jaime by the way.”
“I know.”
“Do you, Brienne?”
“I do, Jaime.”
It was the first time, she suddenly realized. She had never called him by his name before. Jaime. The name slipped so easily from her lips, soft and sound at the same time like she was practising the perfect delivery for days.
“So I'm obscene, you say. Where did you get this ridiculous idea?”
“Sapphire Romance. I couldn't finish that book because of you.”
“Luckily the characters did,” Jaime chuckled, earning a gentle spat to his shoulder. “So I bet we can guess how the story ended.”
“It wasn't funny, Jaime. And the other jokes are no better.”
“People laugh at them,” he said casually and shot her a long look.
“What is it?” Did she have something on her face?
“Sometimes I make you smile.”
“No, I-” The denial came before she could think. Like the unconscious reaction of a hand retreating from a burn.
“Just a second ago you were smiling. It becomes you.”
“Don't mock me. I know how it looks.” Unsightly, to put it lightly, ignoring the crooked nose, too thick lips and horsey teeth.
“Astonishing. Your eyes when you smile.”
Despite herself and the growing embarrassment, she felt even in her ears, Brienne looked at him. He's not joking. The realization hit her harder than a tonne of rocks would if it fell over her head. How do I respond to the compliment? Ironically, she almost wished it was just a joke. These she knew how to handle.
“I- I think I should go… It's getting late.”
“Okay, let me take you home.”
“I know the way.”
“I don't doubt that.”
It was already dark when they left the cosy warmth of the coffee place. The air was chill and humid from the recent rain, sending shivers through her body and accelerating her steps. Jaime didn't stay behind and after a few minutes of energized walking, they finally reached Brienne's home.
“It's here.” She turned to face him but failed to look into his eyes. “Thank you for the wonderful evening, Jaime.”
“I ruined it in the end, didn't I?” The tone of his voice seemed forcefully light.
“No, you didn't. It was the best date I could hope for after that disaster.”
He stepped closer. Brienne could almost feel his hot breath on her cheek.
“Would I still ruin it, if I asked for a kiss?”
“Are you asking?” She whispered, raising her eyes to meet him.
“Yes.”
He slowly leaned closer, his heated gaze never leaving hers. Brienne stood frozen, her body completely disconnected from her foggy brain. Jaime was going to kiss her. Jaime was kissing her. His lips, so soft and warm, brushed gently against hers. It was brief but the sensation was maddening. She was trembling from a cold and melting from the heat of awakened passion. She wanted to feel more, to give in the fire growing inside her. But it was all wrong.
She took a step back.
“Jaime, no.”
“Brienne?” The confusion furrowed his brows.
“I can't do it like this,” she whispered, tears gathering in her eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“You will kiss me now and tomorrow you will pretend that nothing ever happened. Like you don't know me. I know I'm just an ugly girl who doesn't have a right to expect anything more. I'm grateful for what I've already got. It was kind of you, Jaime but I can't take more. It might be just a game for beautiful people like you. But people like me, freaks, we have feelings as well.” Her voice was just on the edge of breaking and tears blurred her vision. She couldn't stay there any longer.
“Good night, Jaime. And I'm sorry.”
“Brienne, wait-”
The door behind her closed with a quiet creak, bringing to the end her short-lived dream.