Chapter Text
For the entirety of his life, Lan Xichen had valued social conventions. He understood them, had been brought up to live by them, and they were a comfortable fallback whenever he was anxious. It was easy to hide nerves behind a respectful bow and a smile. Even Wangji was able to interact with others smoothly thanks to knowing when to salute and what title to use, despite being a boy of few words – few were better than too many anyway. For all intents and purposes, social conventions achieved just what they were meant to achieve: aid people in forming a harmonious relationship with each other.
But just this once, Lan Xichen wished he could grab all the widely defined rules and throw them out the window. He’d come to greet Nie Huaisang privately the day after Nie Mingjue had left him in the Cloud Recess, and the very same social conventions made Nie Huaisang’s posture stiff. Especially after witnessing Nie Huaisang laughing with other freshly arrived students, the bow he gave Lan Xichen was painfully formal.
“I put myself in your care, Brother Xichen,” Nie Huaisang announced, then smiled. “Although I hope I won’t bother you overly.”
You don’t bother me at all, Lan Xichen thought.
He’d met Nie Huaisang for the first time a couple of years back, after the then thirteen-year-old had finally been deemed healthy enough to meet outsiders. Lan Xichen had expected to see someone pale and fragile, a ghost-like figure. But instead there was that pretty boy only two years younger, smiling mischievously behind a fan as he bickered with Nie Mingjue (the so-much-larger, gruff Nie Mingjue who actually chuckled!) so he wouldn’t have to train with his saber. Lan Xichen remembered the fan too, its delicate strokes painted in the boy’s own hand. Clearly he was quite talented, despite Nie Mingjue’s opinion of him.
In short, Lan Xichen had been stricken. He’d tried not to think of it much. With Nie Mingjue there, it wasn’t like he could do anything, and he’d hoped the strange warmth in his belly that appeared whenever Nie Huaisang lurked nearby would eventually dissipate.
It did not, and now Nie Huaisang was here. He stood, still very formal after the salute, a smile on his lips but not the mischievous kind or the bright sunny kind. It was the formal kind, one Lan Xichen knew too well from the mirror. While others like Wangji might simply not emote even when offended or bored, he found it much easier to put up a smile instead. Such a smile was like the wall of a fortress.
Lan Xichen hated being faced with it now.
“How do you find the Cloud Recess?” he asked, smiling gently in a way he hoped might encourage Nie Huaisang to drop his guard.
“It’s very beautiful.” Nie Huaisang not only didn’t drop the smile, he even avoided Lan Xichen’s gaze. “Very elegant, too. I have nothing to complain about. In fact, I wish some things that are here could be found in the Unclean Realm, too.”
Nothing to complain about? Lan Xichen wanted to ask. Not even the rules against laughing too loudly? Or gossip?
But if he’d said it, it would be received as an elder giving direction and not a friendly invitation into a longer discussion, so he swallowed the words. He was uncomfortable with the way Nie Huaisang stood in front of him, his eyes seemingly darting everywhere that wasn’t Lan Xichen’s face, so he motioned for the two of them to stroll.
“I promised your brother to take good care of you,” he said, then cursed himself. It only solidified him further as a mentor figure and not a friend or… no, just a friend. Surely if he spent time with Nie Huaisang in the same easy manner he did with Nie Mingjue, this stupid infatuation would pass. “If there’s anything troubling you, you can come to me. How are other students treating you?”
“Well,” Nie Huaisang said. “Everything is fine, Brother Xichen. Only…”
“Only?” Lan Xichen prompted.
“I saw your younger brother and I was a little shocked.” Nie Huaisang smiled self-deprecatingly. “I thought he’s you at first and was surprised when he didn’t seem to notice me.”
Lan Xichen chuckled. “That happens more often than you might think. Some people even started calling us twins.”
“I can see why,” Nie Huaisang said. “My brother told me to try to spend time with Brother Wangji, but I haven’t been able to find him since that time? I haven’t seen him in class or during meals…”
“Ah, that’s…” Lan Xichen sighed. His younger brother was exceptional for his age, but perhaps Lan Xichen should’ve fought with the elders more when they'd suggested separate training. Next year, perhaps. “Wangji spends most of his time in secluded meditation. He likes to take his meals away from others, too.”
“Oh,” Nie Huaisang said. He seemed genuinely disappointed.
Irrationally, Lan Xichen felt jealous of his brother – or at least of his age. It was the same as Huaisang’s, so the two of them would spend time as equals, if only Wangji could be convinced to peek out from his shell.
“I’ll let him know of your intentions,” Lan Xichen said at last.
And he really would, dutiful as he was. He was also quite certain his brother wouldn’t be interested in what he would see as just additional interruptions to his training. He was never enthusiastic about interacting with other people, particularly outsiders, despite Lan Xichen’s best efforts.
“Thank you so much, Brother Xichen!” Nie Huaisang beamed.
“Please, don’t hope too much,” Lan Xichen said, and it was almost physically painful to dampen the mood. But what could he say? He wouldn’t force Wangji. “My brother is a solitary kind of person.”
Deception wasn’t something Lan Xichen naturally considered, of himself or of other people. It wasn’t before visiting his younger brother, explaining the situation while Lan Wangji’s face screamed more and more loudly “What are you telling me this for?” and getting his eventual but inevitable “No” that Lan Xichen realized that he could just… Not tell Nie Huaisang about the outcome of their talk. Of course Nie Huaisang would search for Lan Wangji, and if someone looking just like Lan Wangji appeared…
It was such a brazen, impossible idea Lan Xichen was appalled with himself. And yet. He would lie to say that he wasn’t tempted, and lying was banned in the Cloud Recess. There wasn’t a rule against pretending to be one’s brother, but didn’t it constitute basically the same thing? And yet. He only needed to get to know Nie Huaisang a little more, without the formalities in the way. Surely his stupid crush was caused by his imagination filling in the blanks, the general allure of a mystery. If they became friends, even under a fake name, it would dissipate.
The question was, did he dare?
Lan Xichen stood in front of the mirror, staring at his own face. A little adjustment to his hair and some practice to smoothen out his expression, and even he felt like he was looking at his brother’s likeness. The illusion only shattered due to their height, courtesy of the two years’ age gap between them, but since Nie Huaisang had only seen Wangji in passing, he wouldn’t notice it. Lan Xichen suspected most people wouldn’t.
If their positions had been reversed, Lan Wangji would’ve never assumed his brother’s identity. It was definitely against the rules, and Lan Wangji was very particular about rules. More particular than many of the Lan elders, in fact. Lan Wangji would’ve probably denied his crush altogether, thinking it a dangerous frivolity.
But Lan Xichen wasn’t Lan Wangji. And while their parents’ fate was enough to prove the dangerous part, if such feelings had been a mere frivolity, they would’ve been easy to discard. Better to let them flow and pass instead of trying to block them.
Lan Xichen didn’t immediately jump into his scheme. First he tried to imitate Lan Wangji’s stride among junior disciples, and when they saluted him as though he was his younger brother, he decided that was enough to prove the concept. Next, he investigated Nie Huaisang’s schedule, so he knew when the boy liked to hide in the gardens and paint instead of training. While occasionally a disciple would pass by, mostly he was alone, which provided a much more comfortable opportunity for a meeting than the library or the mess hall. In public, Lan Xichen would’ve had to play his brother’s part for those in the audience who knew the difference. If it was just the two of them, however, he would have a little more leeway to act as he wanted.
Finally, five days after their last conversation, Lan Xichen took the leap of faith and approached Nie Huaisang in his new disguise.
Nie Huaisang was painting, and he didn’t seem to immediately register that someone had come. He noticed only when Lan Xichen stopped a few steps away. The strokes on Nie Huaisang’s fan seemed almost careless, but there were already enough of them to hint at the shape they would take – that of the nearby magnolia tree and birds lurking in the bush.
“You’re very skilled,” Lan Xichen said, the words just spilling out. He’d wanted to say them since the first time he’d seen Nie Huaisang’s art – but it wouldn’t have been proper with Nie Mingjue there playing the stern father figure. Lan Xichen wanted to smile too, but he schooled his expression; Wangji didn’t smile so freely.
“Thank you!” If Nie Huaisang was surprised, he hid it behind a smile. “But the landscapes here are so stunning, I’m sure any artist would paint something pretty.”
You value yourself too little, Lan Xichen thought. But the Gusu Lan rules encouraged modesty and Lan Wangji’s attitude toward the rules was well known. Maybe after a while, he could pretend to warm up to Nie Huaisang and become more friendly.
“I know of many places where the view is especially beautiful,” he said instead. “I might show you sometime?”
Nie Huaisang’s smile widened. “I’d love that!”
They ended up meeting outside of the commonly traversed paths every two, three days. Initially Nie Hauisang always brought his painting tools and a blank fan or a piece of paper, but as weeks passed, he began to come empty-handed, so they would end up strolling and talking for hours.
They talked about many things. The role Lan Xichen was playing forced Nie Huaisang to carry the first conversations – though watching the other boy’s eyes lit up as he chatted about birds and arts was a kind of pleasure too. Eventually as enough time passed, Lan Xichen admitted that he liked painting too (no one outside of his family knew that about him, so it was all right) and being a Lan, he already had a preceding reputation for loving music. Nie Huaisang was more than happy to engage in both. His eyes only seemed to dim whenever the subject of cultivation was brought up. It was the exact opposite to Nie Mingjue, and Lan Xichen couldn’t help but chuckle at that.
Nie Huaisang looked at him as though he’d grown a new head. “Brother Wangji, it’s the first time I heard you laugh! And I wouldn’t have guessed, but you smile exactly like your brother!”
Lan Xichen’s heart skipped a beat, and he struggled to smoothen his face. He looked away pointedly, the way Lan Wangji did when he was embarrassed. “I don’t smile often.”
“Well, then perhaps you should change that.” Nie Huaisang leaned in conspiratorially, and Lan Xichen shivered when he felt his breath on his cheek. “You’d definitely have way more friends if you did. It’s so dazzling!”
A blush spread across Lan Xichen’s cheeks against his will. He wished he could hide his face in his hands, but it would be a very un-Wangji thing to do. Very un-himself, too. What was it about Nie Huaisang that made his heart flutter like that? It was supposed to go away after they got to know each other, but instead it was only getting worse!
“But, how do you know my brother?” Mercifully, Nie Huaisang drew away. “Ah, is Brother Xichen talking about him a lot? Ha, I never would’ve thought he would be one to break the rules so easily! No gossip, right?”
Lan Xichen didn’t know what to say to that, because he really hadn’t shared all that much with Lan Wangji to constitute gossip, and he had no idea if Wangji would take his side or the side of rules. It’d never come to it.
“Never mind that,” Nie Huaisang said cheerfully. “I don’t care much about the rules either way! Oh. Are you going to punish me for it? But just saying it isn’t breaking them, right?”
So Lan Xichen admitted that indeed, saying that one didn’t like the rules wasn’t exactly breaking it (although if he’d wanted to be nitpicky – there was a rule against complaining), and much to his relief, the conversation turned to their usual topics. They exchanged tips on calligraphy and poetry for the rest of the afternoon.
Only at the very end, Nie Huaisang said, “You know, Brother Wangji, I feel I’ve been treated unfairly. You watched me paint multiple times, but I didn’t even know you could paint before today!”
“Perhaps next time we can both bring out tools?” Lan Xichen suggested.
“Yes, that sounds wonderful! Ah, let’s just hope Lan Qiren doesn’t give me too much material to study!”
But either Lan Qiren didn’t go overboard or Nie Huaisang hadn’t had the slightest intention to study either way, as next time he was up and ready with a set of brushes, paints, blank fans and papers. Lan Xichen brought his own set as promised, and so they hid on a secluded clearing in the mountains and chatted amiably while indulging in their hobby. It was nice to spend time leisurely like that – even though Lan Xichen’s traitorous heart still beat too fast too often.
They drew birds and trees, and whole mountain landscapes. But several times, Lan Xichen caught Nie Huaisang drawing something else with a mischievous expression, the piece of paper hidden from sight. Lan Xichen tried to ignore it at first, but his curiosity was piqued and wouldn’t let him rest. Finally he approached while Nie Huaisang was busy with a fan and unrolled the mysterious drawing. He was stunned to see his own likeness. It was only a sketch, but it captured Lan Xichen (or Lan Wangji, really? But he couldn’t help seeing himself there) with his brush, smiling gently while placing a stroke on a canvas.
“Ah, it’s not finished yet!” Nie Huaisang jumped to his feet. “And it’s too ugly! Please don’t look!”
“Are you calling me ugly then?” Lan Xichen smiled, moving away so Nie Huaisang couldn’t snatch the picture away.
“No, of course not!” Nie Huaisang advanced. “But my skill’s not sufficient to capture your beauty yet!” He tried for the drawing, but Lan Xichen was taller and had enough presence of mind to make use of that even with his face burning. “Honestly, you are far too pretty for this world.” Nie Huaisang was relentless, drawing closer, so Lan Xichen found himself pulling back. “You’re tall and graceful! Your hair is gleaming! Your face would make a god envious, and when you smile–”
Lan Xichen’s heel hit against a root protruding from the ground and he stumbled just as Nie Huaisang jumped for the drawing again. Suddenly he found himself flat on his back, birds chirping somewhere in the sunlit tree above him. But he didn’t see them – instead there was Nie Huaisang, leaning over him. The drawing had fallen beside them, but it seemed forgotten as Nie Huaisang’s eyes bored into Lan Xichen’s, his slightly messy hair creating something of a curtain around Lan Xichen’s vision.
“Your face is very red,” Nie Huaisang said, and there was that mischievous smile again, making Lan Xichen’s stomach flip.
“Who wouldn’t flush if you complimented them like that,” Lan Xichen murmured.
He wanted to look away, but also he didn’t want to ever look away from Nie Huasaing’s eyes and from the rest of his being, which Nie Huaisang really didn’t give enough credit to. He might not be the best cultivator in the world, but so what? There were plenty of cultivators to go around already. How could he make sure the other boy knew that?
“You are beautiful too.” Somehow, it wasn’t that difficult to say with how much Lan Xichen’s face was already burning. “I should paint you sometime.”
He closed his eyes, ashamed, so he didn’t immediately realize what was happening when he felt something brush against his lips. It was soft and brief like a flutter of a butterfly, and Lan Xichen opened his eyes just in time to see the determined expression on Nie Huaisang’s face. Then Nie Huaisang kissed him again, this time stronger, so Lan Xichen couldn’t help but gasp – but traitorously, he also caught Nie Huaisang’s waist to keep him there, close.
I’m not the person you think I am! was a thought at the end of his mind, but just for a moment, it perished along with everything except the warmth of Nie Huaisang’s lips against his.