Chapter Text
The first two parts that never got written were actually meant to form a sort of mini-trilogy with Mating Habits of the Redwing Thrush, covering the backstory of how Napoleon and Illya got to know each other in this AU and came to reach roughly their status quo established at the start of the series in Fatale. They don't have proper titles, but here's what they were supposed to contain.
Part 4: Two scenes from their second meeting
Set some months after Mating Habits of the Redwing Thrush, this one would have consisted of two short scenes from the middle of some larger adventure. The first would have opened with Napoleon, having just been rudely captured in the middle of an undercover op by a couple of THRUSH heavies, now being brought to meet the THRUSH operative who'd identified him as an UNCLE agent: a very smug 'Stephan' (Illya's alias from MHotRT). Presumably, we would've had some exchange to the effect of, "Surprised to see me, Mr. Ramone? Or should I say, Napoleon Solo?" and "As a matter of fact, I was wondering when I might next have the pleasure, Stephan." 'Stephan' would take this opportunity correct Napoleon with his real first name, and probably enjoy a little more satisfaction at his captor's expense before Napoleon was dragged off to a cell somewhere.
Our second scene would be some time later, during Napoleon's (inevitable) escape. While making his way out of the facility, he'd run into Illya, catching him flat-footed and allowing Napoleon to knock his gun out of his grip and force them both to resort to hand-to-hand. The resulting struggle would end with Napoleon pinning Illya to the floor. Naturally, this is where Illya kisses Napoleon in attempt to distract him, which surprises Napoleon just enough to actually kind of work. At least until Napoleon notices Illya trying to work an arm free to reach for that gun he'd been going for a moment ago, leading to something along these lines:
"Ah-ah-ah!" Napoleon chastised him, reasserting his hold on both of Illya's arms, just for good measure. "You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?"
Illya was not in much of a position to shrug, but made a go of it anyway. "You cannot blame me for trying," he said, looking not at all chastised.
"No," Napoleon agreed, still having a great deal of trouble looking away from those kiss-bitten lips. "I suppose I couldn't."
The kiss that followed went on considerably longer before the sound of running footsteps in the corridor abruptly reminded Napoleon that, a) he was, in fact, escaping a THRUSH facility, and b) just because Illya didn't seem to be going for his gun anymore didn't mean he wasn't still capable of milking this as a delaying tactic. The resulting mad scramble to his feet did involve his kneeing Illya in the stomach, which was not entirely intentional, but probably for the best if Napoleon wanted any sort of real head-start.
He was sure Illya would forgive him eventually.
And there we see fit to end the chapter.
Part 5: Their third meeting, aka. That time Illya really was there to decommission a troublesome rogue satrap, a.k.a. The conclusion of the prequel trilogy
Some months further on again, we would meet Napoleon (once again) stuck in a THRUSH cell in yet another interchangeable facility, in the midst of considering his limited options. This is when Illya shows up outside his cell, looks at Napoleon and goes, "Oh, it's you."
Illya goes on to establish that he's not, actually, attached to this particular THRUSH installation. In fact, the commander in charge of this particular facility has stopped responding to orders altogether, and high command have sensibly concluded he's gone rogue, and sent Illya in to deal with him. Illya was supposed to have backup, but said backup has already met with misadventure, leaving Illya to infiltrate the facility alone and improvise from there. Reasoning that his best chance at finding allies will probably be in the holding cells, he's started by quietly disabling the guards—and oh, look, here's Napoleon. What's say we take down this place together?
Some negotiation follows—the catch, from Napoleon's POV, is that he's not going to get to take the commander in to UNCLE even if they do manage to take him alive—but he's not exactly swimming in better options, so what the hell. Illya lets him out, hands him a gun, and proceeds to almost immediately turn his back on Napoleon in what is presumably either a display of amazing trust or razor-edge logical reasoning, and either way, Napoleon's kind of impressed. They proceed to make an unexpectedly brilliant team as they take down the facility, confront the commander, yada yada yada.
We'd conclude with most of the loose ends tied up, and Napoleon asking Illya if they're done here.
Illya would think about this for a moment before saying, "Oh yes, one more thing-"—advancing on Napoleon with a suggestive smile, putting his hands on Napoleon's shoulders and drawing him close—before kneeing him, hard, in the stomach. Through the haze of pain, Napoleon hears him whisper, "Now we're even," in his ear.
Illya's gone before he gets back on his feet again, and he's mostly made up his mind not to hold it against him—even before discovering an unfamiliar but helpfully labelled-and-addressed hotel-room-key had been slipped into his back pocket. We'd end on Napoleon speculating on just how soon to make use of this invitation.
5a. What happens in the hotel room
I was never really planning to write this part, but what the hell—you know I'd have to have at least thought about what happened next. It would involve Napoleon turning up at the hotel room to find Illya waiting for him, and a bit of shameless flirting to the effect of, "Rather bold of you, wasn't it, letting an enemy agent know exactly where you're staying?" "Rather bold of you to turn up in a hotel room where you knew an enemy agent was expecting you, wasn't it?"—before it is made known to Napoleon that unlike Stephan, Illya prefers to be on top (and Napoleon makes it known that he has no objection to this whatsoever). Etc.
Part 6: The one in the UNCLE HQ bathroom
Back to the present day we go, where there has been Much Ado at UNCLE HQ after a foreign diplomat (one with no THRUSH ties anyone at UNCLE is aware of) has turned up for a scheduled meeting with none-other-than Illya himself as a bodyguard. No-one (least of all Napoleon) knows what to make of this—except that Illya is immensely enjoying both their confusion and having carte blanche to walk into an UNCLE office in broad daylight with guaranteed diplomatic immunity.
Napoleon eventually follows him into the gents for a last-ditch attempt for a candid conversation, but to very little avail. Illya points out that his contract with THRUSH isn't exclusive—he does do unrelated contract work, and isn't Napoleon always encouraging him to try more legitimate employment? Napoleon agrees this is all true, except that if Mr. Diplomat really has nothing to do with THRUSH, then Illya has done him quite the disservice by walking with him into a place where everyone knows that Illya works for THRUSH more often than not. Illya tells him this is all a very interesting theory, and possibly another exchange or two takes place before Illya gets around to saying, "Should I take it from the fact you've chosen to have this conversation with me in here as indication that UNCLE does not have recording devices in its bathrooms?" And then Napoleon has just time for some brief discomfort over the odds Illya's really just using this 'legitimate' job to check out their security from the inside, before a very smug Illya backs him into a cubicle, sits him down and blows him. In the men's room at UNCLE HQ. (Napoleon's token protests about this idea are convincing to absolutely no-one present.)
Napoleon eventually exits the gents to the following scene, which costars our old friend Angelique—so I guess it's time to mention how she fits into this particular universe. Since this is an AU where Illya effectively is Angelique as we know her from canon, it seemed only fair that Angelique should get Illya' job in exchange. That means not only is she an UNCLE agent, she's Number 2 of Section II. She and Napoleon don't generally work together as partners, however—as the two agents most willing to charm and/or seduce the enemy on assignments, they have a bit of a bad habit of getting competitive in the field. One assumes they've also slept together at least once, but UNCLE mostly finds it constructive to partner them with other people nowadays.
Angelique doesn't get much to do in this particular scene, but it's safe to assume she's enjoying herself a great deal at Napoleon's expense.
There are two persons present in Waverly's office when Napoleon shows up to make his report, and it's perhaps some small mercy that Waverly himself is not the one wearing the earpiece or seated at the security recording panel. The bad news is that the person who is wearing the earpiece is Angelique. She's also wearing an expression that suggests to Napoleon that she's had a very entertaining half-hour.
"Well, Mr. Solo? Do you have any progress to report?"
Napoleon guiltily drags his eyes from Angelique to the boss he's actually supposed to addressing here, and tries not to fidget. "Well," he begins, "I, uh, I think I've conclusively convinced him that we don't have any recording equipment in the bathrooms."
Across the room, Angelique does not raise an eyebrow at him. She doesn't need to. The smugness radiating from her corner communicates to Napoleon that she is never going to let him forget a moment of what she's heard on that security recording today for as long as he lives.
"Hm," says Waverly, in a tone that could make a lesser man quiver in his boots. "And as for your progress regarding his motives for appearing at our HQ today?"
Napoleon could raise plenty of possibilities. The ambassador could, for example, genuinely be working for THRUSH, and not care one whit if UNCLE knows it. Or Illya could genuinely be here just as a bodyguard, with no connections to THRUSH or any other sinister body. THRUSH may have arranged him the job of bodyguard of an otherwise uninvolved diplomat purely for the purpose of casing UNCLE HQ from the inside. This could all be a distraction, Illya parading himself in front of UNCLE staff as a means to take attention away from some other operation altogether. Or, in what Napoleon was starting to feel was a disturbingly possible scenario, Illya may simply have taken this job with no motive more nefarious than the joy of watching Napoleon (and his superiors) panic. That was most of the problem: anything was possible.
"I'm, ah, I'm still working on that one, sir."
Though a faint twitch of his upper lip was all the outward displeasure Waverly betrayed, Napoleon could feel his palms starting to sweat in a most unprofessional way. He watched Waverly tap his pipe out into the ash tray in a thoughtful sort of way, as he gave Napoleon's answer the full consideration it deserved.
"Mr. Solo, if I'm to continue to tolerate your carrying on with an enemy agent," he pronounced at last, "I expect better results than 'I think I've convinced him that our surveillance doesn't extend to HQ's restrooms.' I look forward to your next report with great anticipation."
Desperately resisting the need to wipe his palms on his trousers, Napoleon barely managed a strained, "Yes, sir," before fleeing the office.
On leaving the office that day, Napoleon allowed himself a brief moment outside Del Floria's to gather his wits, or what was left of them. The combined assault of Illya's... talents, Angelique's knowing looks and Waverly's disappointment had done a number on his nerves that even THRUSH might feel a bit excessive.
"So, should I take it from your expression that UNCLE does, in fact, impinge on the privacy of its agents even in the men's room?" said a voice from his left.
Napoleon was not especially surprised to find Illya waiting for him a few feet away, his earlier expression of satisfaction not much changed from the rest-room earlier.
"Don't you have a body to guard?" he asked, weakly.
"I'm off-duty," Illya replied. "I thought perhaps you might like to continue your line of questioning in more private surroundings? After all, you do owe me a-"
"Not in public, Illya—please."
"Does that mean you aren't inviting me back to your apartment?" Illya looks not at all chastised. "After all, who knows what nefarious business I might get up to unsupervised?"
Napoleon almost laughs. He doesn't have the energy to be angry at Illya, this whole day has been too surreal. "Since when do you wait for an invitation to show up at my apartment?"
"Perhaps I'm turning over a new leaf," says Illya, impishly, falling into step beside Napoleon as he makes for home. "I never imagined legitimate work could be so much fun."
Those of you who haven't read anything I've written in other fandoms (or at least none of the examples which likewise open with what looks like shameless PWP) may be surprised to learn this was actually likely to be the last instalment in this series requiring above an R rating. Those of you who have... well, you've probably picked up on how this sort of thing usually goes by now.
6a. The plot-heavy continuation that almost certainly would never have been written
Much as I liked the idea of just leaving both audience and Napoleon with no idea what Illya was really up to in the previous scenario, I couldn't resist toying with a few ideas for a follow up. Again, this falls deep into the 'ideas I never seriously expected to write at all' category, but here's as far as I got.
An attempt would be made on the ambassador's life, forcing Illya to go rapidly from enjoying himself at Napoleon's expense to having to team up with Napoleon to actually do his job. Over the course of the story, Illya would grudgingly admit that he took the bodyguard job as a favour to an old friend who was now an important figure managing security for the government the diplomat represented. This friend knew Illya well enough to realise he could be convinced to take the position for much less than his usual rate on the understanding that it came with the perk of being able to walk into UNCLE HQ and generally have a lot of fun at their expense (so, yes, Napoleon's last theory really was more or less on the money).
Only, as things develop, it becomes apparent that Illya's old 'friend' had an ulterior motive for sending a known THRUSH associate in with the ambassador: unbeknownst to Illya, this particular ambassador is, in fact, one of the few significant figures in his government who aren't in THRUSH's pocket. Illya's old friend wants to make very sure this ambassador has good protection, because THRUSH are actively out after his life. He'd also very much like to prompt UNCLE to take a good hard look at just where the ambassador comes from and hopefully smoke out some of those other THRUSH connections troubling the rest of the government. Hiring Illya conveniently achieves all of that at once. He just hasn't bothered letting either Illya himself (or the ambassador) know just how much danger the ambassador is really in—or why.
This all puts Illya in the very difficult position. He may not be a full time THRUSH agent, but his professional relationship with them does depend on the unspoken agreement that he at least doesn't ever take independent jobs that put him in conflict with their goals. At the same time, he's taken this bodyguard position in good faith, and definitely isn't going to just let the poor man be killed. This leaves Napoleon trying to find the best way to protect the ambassador with all UNCLE resources available, while one of his best resources (Illya) is still a man he's not exactly supposed to be invited to internal UNCLE meetings, and who does genuinely want to help, but would especially like it if he could do so without being so visible that THRUSH finds out about it. Basically, it's complications all the way down.
So, yeah. I love the idea of dealing with all that, but the odds of my ever figuring out how to untangle all that plot and turn it into a story were probably never much above 0.
Part 7. The one from Illya's POV
At last we reach the first of the two parts that are getting posted in full—you can find it here:
— The Piper