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When the blue lights popped up in Peter’s rear view mirror, his first reaction was to panic. His next reaction was to slowly pull to the side of the road, gritting his teeth when the gravel rattled his tires and made his bladder vibrate with desperation. Once he was in park he bounced his leg for a moment while waiting for the police officer to approach his rolled open window.
“Son, do you know why I’ve pulled you over today?” The officer asked, leaning down so that he could see directly into the car.
Panic filled Peter’s chest all over again, causing his brain to mouth filter to completely give up on him. “Everything I’ve ever read says my answer is supposed to be no,' he blurted out, slapping hand over his lips the moment he’d said it.
The officer raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything about the outburst. Instead, he gestured behind him, towards the road. “The speed limit back there is forty-five and I clocked you going fifty-seven. What’s your hurry?”
Peter allowed his hand to drop from his mouth to his lap, where he tucked it between his thighs. “Honestly? The fuel light has been blinking at me for the last few miles and it was making me nervous so I was trying to get to the QuikTrip on 51st and 9th, specifically because I also really, really have to go to the bathroom and their bathrooms are always super clean. But I didn’t mean to speed like that, I promise. I just-” he rambled waving his free hand haphazardly through the air. “-need to get to the QuikTrip. Specifically.”
“You said specifically twice,” the officer chuckled as he looked down the road where he could see the gas station sign just up ahead. Then he turned back to the young driver who was looking increasingly nervous and was fidgeting in such a way that he had no choice but to believe that the poor kid really did need to relieve himself. “How old are you, son?” he asked after a moment of quiet contemplation.
“Seventeen, two weeks and three days,” Peter replied without hesitation. He’d only just gotten his license and it was the first time he’d driven anywhere by himself. He was now regretting that choice. If he’d had May,Tony, Ned or even MJ in the passenger seat, he never would have sped up like that. More so, he would have made an effort to find a clean bathroom before it had become so urgent.
“New driver, huh?” the officer stated more so than questioned. Then, once again, looked up the road. He supposed he could at least allow the kid to relocate to his desired destination before writing him up. That way the moment they were done, he could dart inside to use the toilet. “The gas station is less than a mile away. How about you give me your license and I’ll follow you there-”
“-With your lights on?” Peter interrupted. Being pulled over was bad enough, he didn’t want anyone he knew to see him being followed by a police car. However, his cheeks heated up as he abruptly realized how ridiculous that question had been. Of course, the cop was going to follow him with the lights on. “Sorry,” he sheepishly apologized, then pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. He hoped he’d not ruined the offer by opening his big fat mouth.
The policeman took a deep breath and held up an authoritative finger. “Do not speed. Park up front. Do not get out of your vehicle. Got it?” he asked, holding his hand out to receive the requested identification.
“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Peter gratefully replied, while digging through his pockets to locate his wallet. “Am I going to get a ticket? Because if I do, my aunt is going to kill me. Mr. Stark will probably laugh though. Especially since I’m about to pee my pants,” he stupidly stated, cringing when the officer released a tired sigh. “Sorry. Sorry. Mr. Stark is always telling me that I don’t know when to shut up,” he rambled while fumbling through his wallet. He nearly cheered when he finally managed to get the card out of the clear plastic pocket and handed it over. “Here’s my licence. Can I go now?”
“Let me get back into my car, then you can go,” the man stated. However, before he could get more than three steps away, he stopped in his tracks. “Speed-limit! It’s forty-five. No more, no less,” he shouted over his shoulder, resisting the urge to smile when the kid shot him a quick thumbs up.
After pulling up to the gas station, Peter began to relentlessly tap his fingers across the steering wheel. The fuel light was still blinking at him and the bathroom was visible through the large glass doors. Being able to see it so clearly was making my bladder impatient. He tried to avoid it by turning off the engine and looking beside him. The police car was there and he could see the man inside talking to himself. Or, more likely, talking into some sort of radio. Though it didn’t particularly matter. He just wanted the man to hurry up. His bladder was absolutely screaming.
“All right. Since you’ve got a clean record I’m going to let you go with a warning,” the policeman said, once he’d finally completed the preliminary part of his job. “I do, however, need to record it. It’ll only take a minute or two to write up. Then you’ll be free to go . ”
“Can I just run unside really quickly, sir? I swear, I’ll just pee and come right back,” Peter frantically replied, with nothing but hope. The pressure was becoming unbearable.”I can get gas later. I mean, I’ve already turned the engine off, so it’s probably fine, right? It’s not like it’s currently using any gas and the pump is right there. I’m totally sure that can wait. I’m just not really sure that I can,” Peter aimlessly prattled until he was struck by a surge of urgency that had him quietly whimpering “I just really need that bathroom, sir.”
The officer gave him a sympathetic look and nodded his head in understanding. “Two minutes. I’ll be quick,” he said as he immediately made his way back into his cruiser
Peter looked at the numbers on the clock and bit down on the inside of his cheek. He wasn’t convinced he could wait two minutes. His bladder was going to burst and he was going to die, probably from sepsis, if the embarrassment didn’t kill his first. God, explaining the ticket was going to be bad enough without having to explain wet pants and a saturated front seat. He suddenly wished he’d allowed Tony to buy him the more expensive car with leather seats. That would probably be easier to clean. He swallowed hard and looked out the window. The officer was still typing things into his onboard computer. He squeezed his eyes shut for what he thought was less than a second but when he opened then, he was startled to find that the man was suddenly outside of his window. He could feel a small spurt of pee soak into his underwear as a result.
“Here you go, Mr. Parker,” the officer said, as he passed the ticket and the licence into Peter’s waiting hand. “As I said, it’s just a warning. No action is necessary but it is in the system, meaning that if you get pulled over again, you will more than likely be ticketed-”
Without ever looking at it, Peter folded the paper in half and shoved it into his wallet with his identification. He didn’t have time for any speeches or explanations, he needed to get inside the gas station bathroom before he lost what little control he had left. “Can I please go now, sir? Because I really need to go now ,” he pleaded.
The policeman sighed and took a step back from the car door. “You’re free to exit your vehicle.”
“Thank you!” Peter shouted, scrambling to get himself free from his seat belt before throwing his door open without abandon. He could see the officer watching him with an amused look on his face but was far from caring. He figured he had somewhere around ten seconds to get into the bathroom and up to a urinal before disaster struck.
“Oh, and Mr. Parker!” Peter heard the man shout and paused accordingly, crossing his legs as he turned around to make the appropriate eye-contact. “Just so we’re clear, needing the restroom, no matter how badly, is not an excuse to go twelve miles over the posted speed-limit. Are we clear?” the man asked.
Peter held up two fingers in a mock salute while trying his hardest not to pee on the sidewalk. “Yes, sir. Won’t be a problem ever again,” he swore because he had definitely learned his lesson. Well, several lessons. One, you shouldn’t indulge in three cans of coke before leaving the compound to drive yourself home. Two, if you do it anyway, you should definitely find a bathroom sooner rather than later and three, he never wanted to get pulled over again. Because even in his desperate state he knew he’d lucked out. Being let go with a warning meant that no one would ever know about the predicament he’d gotten himself into.
As he ran towards the back of the gas station, Peter was already undoing the button at the top of his jeans. And by the time he'd pressed through the men’s room door, he had his fly open and was pulling himself out just in time to come to a skidding stop at the first urinal. He nearly laughed as he finally relaxed, allowing his pee to surge forward and gush up against the back of the porcelain as if a pipe had burst. He was mildly concerned it would splash onto the floor. However the promise of relief outweighed the concern as he closed his eyes, held himself steady and proceeded to empty his overfilled bladder.
He continued to pee for what felt like an embarrassingly long amount of time. Long enough that he was glad he was the only one in the room. He knew he'd been desperate but he didn't know he'd been that desperate. It felt as though he would never finish. As he continued to grow impatient he realized he was still tense. But as his heavy spray started to ease into a gently arching steam, he finally felt all of the built up tension leave his shoulders. And when his bladder finally emptied, he sighed contentedly. A shiver ran up his spine as he waited out any delayed drips or dribbles. Then he tucked himself away, thinking that he’d just had the best pee of his entire life. It had certainly been a close call. Enough so, that it had been a miracle that the initial spurt of pee actually made it into the appropriate reciprocal.
He quickly washed his hands and checked his watch. He wondered if he needed to call May to let her know he was running late. Though he could only assume that she was keeping a careful eye on his shared location. Even still, he didn’t want to cause her to worry, so the moment he got back into his car he grabbed his phone off of it’s hands-free mount, only to realize he’d already missed a call from Tony. He rolled his eyes a little as he dialed the man back.
“Hey, Mr. Stark, What’s up?” he said the moment his mentor answered his phone. Although, he was completely unprepared for the answer.
“Speeding ticket, huh, Kiddo?” the man questioned and Peter immediately grew defensive..
“No! It wasn’t a ticket, it was just a warning! No action necessary,” he shouted but his indigence was quickly replaced by shock once he’d fully processed the accusation. “Wait, how did you know about that!”
“FRIDAY alerts me anytime your name pops up anywhere,” Tony replied with what amounted to a verbal shrug. “Including the local police database.”
“That’s not fair,” Peter whined. Though he probably shouldn’t have been surprised. Tony had eyes and ears literally everywhere, and no qualms about invading others' privacy. It was both impressive and annoying. Although, it was definitely falling more on the annoying side of things at the moment.
“Eh. Maybe not, but, I have to admit, the officer's notes were extremely entertaining. Here, let me read them to you,” Tony said, clearing his throat to prevent himself from laughing. “It says here ‘ Found the driver in dire need of a restroom. Allowed the driver to proceed to the nearest gas station where I Issued a warning and reminded the driver that bathroom breaks are not a valid excuse for speeding before allowing the driver to exit the vehicle,’ ” he read aloud, slowing down as he spoke. Mostly because he was nearly cackling by the end of the first sentence. “I’m going to go ahead and assume that you made it to the toilet in time,” he added once he was able to catch his breath. Then, much to Peter’s dismay, he started laughing all over again. “May is going to love this!”
“No! Come on, Mr. Stark! You can’t tell Aunt May!”” Peter cried out in horror because he really didn’t need his aunt to find out that he’d been pulled over. As loving and forgiving as the woman was, he was sure would never hear the end of it. He realized he’d probably never hear the end of it from Tony either but at least he wasn’t going to get in trouble with him. His aunt would probably lecture him about safe driving practices for the next three years.
“Alright, fine. Calm down, Speed Racer. I won’t tell her,” Tony replied, his laughter finally dying down to a quiet, yet relentless giggle. “But, from now on, I’ll be limiting your liquids and sending you to the bathroom before allowing you to get behind the wheel. That way you can save the speedy pit stops for your Formula One debut.”
With a long drawn out groan, Peter dropped his head on to the steering wheel with an audible thunk. Because that was it, he’d made his decision. Tony could have the car back because was never driving again. Ever.