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It was a rather slow day for I.M.P.
They had just gotten finished with several back-to-back hit jobs that would keep their bill collectors at bay for the foreseeable future and were now going through some doldrums in terms of business, not a lot of sinners in need of getting proxy revenge from beyond the grave so the assassination team was reduced to doing simple busy work to keep themselves occupied until the calls started rolling in again.
Millie had decided to busy herself with maintaining some of the company arsenal, ensuring all of their melee weapons were in tip-top shape; there was nothing more embarrassing than having a bat or a sword break right in the middle of a fight and having to make do with whatever was still left over. It was about all she could do seeing as her husband had vacated the building for his weekly meeting, at least until Blitzo stormed into the room and walked straight over to the nearby window with an annoyed expression.
“Where the hell is he going?”
Millie looked up from the knife she had been sharpening to see her boss pressing his face right up against the glass, watching her husband make his way down the street with a blank expression on the white haired imp’s face.
“What do ya mean Blitz?” Millie said, stabbing the blade into the table before joining Blitzo at the window.
“Your baby dicked husband. I asked him if he could help me mail out all these very important documents.” the taller imp said while waving around several photocopies of his ass. “But he said he had a ‘prior-obligation’ that he couldn’t miss and would be busy all day. What the fuck could be more important that helping out his beloved boss?”
Millie shrugged. “No idea Blitz, he never tells me where he goes when he heads out like this.”
“Wait, he’s done this before?”
“Oh yeah, all the time, apparently he’s got a friend out in pentagram city who he meets up to just hang out and chew the fat. They meet up about twice a month er so on every other sunday, like clockwork; Moxxie says it’s how they ‘de-stress’.
“And you never thought that was suspicious?” Blitzo said.
“At one point, yeah. But ah got over it, Moxxie is allowed to have time to himself and if he needs a bit of space now and then ah’m gonna give it to him. Ah trust mah husband.” Millie replied.
Blitzo planted his hands on his hips. “Really? What if this ‘friend’ is really just his side piece he’s seeing behind your back for some crazy fuck sessions? I mean ‘de-stress’? that’s an innuendo if I ever heard one.”
“Please, if he was seeing another woman or man behind mah back, AH’D KNOW. Seriously Blitz, it’s just Moxxie havin’ a bit of private time with a friend, nothin’ worth looking into there.”
“I feel like you’re putting a bit too much faith in him, Mills.” Blitzo remarked.
“And ah feel like you’re putting a bit too little faith in him, B.” Millie shot back. “Look, will you just drop it already? Whatever’s going on there is Moxxie’s personal business and it ain’t right to go around stickin’ our noses in it.”
“Fiiiiine, fuckin spoilsport. Will you at least help me get all of these sexy pictures sent out? I’d ask Loona to do it but she’s taking a widdle nap and I don’t wanna disturb her.”
“Sure thing boss!” Millie bubbled.
“Thanks! Addresses are on the desk downstairs right next to the envelopes, just tag em, bag em, and take em down the post office when you’re done.”
Millie nodded and snatched up the pictures of Blitzo’s buttcheeks before leaving the room. As soon as she did so, Blitzo pulled out the keys to the company van with a mischievous glint in his eyes; one that only appeared when he was about to do something incredibly stupid involving his employees personal lives.
“Alright Moxxie, let’s see what you’re getting up to behind the misses’ back.”
*********************
While all of this was occurring, another demon was dealing with a very similar situation at a newly opened hotel all the way across the pride ring.
The Hazbin Hotel was caught in the middle of its usual brand of chaos, from Angel Dust relentlessly flirting with an increasingly annoyed Husk who was downing even more alcohol than usual just to deal with the spider’s advances, Nifty rushing in every single direction to clean like some sort of maniac red hurricane while Razzle and Dazzle discreetly made additional work for her without the housekeeper noticing, all while Alastor was sitting in a chair with a glass of red wine that seemed to have a rather odd consistency and his infamous smile that possessed a rather smug air about it today.
To top everything off, Charlie had gotten word that some sinners had actually gotten interested in attending the hotel and were heading towards the location right at the moment despite them being nowhere near ready to accept new guests and the only other person qualified to get everyone properly organized was going to be out of the hotel for the remainder of the day for a weekly get-together with a friend.
“Wait, that’s today? Can’t you just skip it? I really need your help today Vaggie.” Charlie pleaded as her girlfriend made her way into the main lobby.
“Sorry, but that’s not gonna happen Charlie. You know how important this is to me, at this point it’s practically the only thing keeping me sane with all of this-” Vaggie motioned to the discord surrounding them. “Happening every single day.”
“But-”
“Charlie, remember that conversation we had about space and ‘me time’?”
“Yeah…”
“Hey, c’mon. You’re the princess of hell, you can survive a day without me right?” said Vaggie.
As if the universe itself wanted to dispute the moth sinner’s claim, the chandelier hanging over the main lobby suddenly came crashing to the floor and caught fire, Razzle and Dazzle swooping down with mischievous looks while Niffty started swinging a vacuum cleaner at them like a club and screamed incoherently.
Charlie could only stand there with her mouth wide open “Uhhh…”
“I’ve got complete faith in you hon.” Vaggie said, placing a hand on her girlfriend’s shoulder. “Also I am not prepared to deal with this bullshit today, byeeee!”
The one eyed sinner proceeded to turn on her heel and literally sprinted out of the front doors as though her life depended on it, leaving behind a huge mess for her beloved to clean up; a cruel move to be sure but Vaggie hadn’t lied when she said how important this day was for her, she might have snapped right then and there if it wasn’t for this weekly escape from the antics of the hotel residents.
Unfortunately, the most infamous of the aforementioned group took notice of Vaggie’s rapid exit and found their curiosity piqued.
“Gee, she sure left in a hurry. What, did Vags run out of tampons or something?” Angel Dust remarked.
“No, no. Vaggie met someone online a while back and they meet up every so often for friendly little playdates.” said the princess of hell
“To do what? Jerk each other off?”
“Gross! No! They just get coffee and talk, at least that’s what I think they do. Vaggie’s always been pretty ‘hush hush’ about the whole thing, I’ve asked before but she won’t tell me what she gets up to.”
Angel felt his gossip senses begin to tingle and a smile came onto his face. “Really? Well how about we go and find out? I mean ya gotta be curious, right?”
“Well…no, no! I respect Vaggie too much to invade her privacy like that!” Charlie affirmed before fixing a glare upon the spider sinner. “And I expect you to do the same Angel, no crazy schemes like last time.”
“Scheming? Moi? Charlie you wound me, I would never do something like that.” Angel said in a completely unconvincing tone.
“I mean it Angel! You can’t-“ Charlie was cut off by a certain radio demon tapping her on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, Charlie? You may want to check on the new boy, Baxter, from the sounds of it his pets are getting rather rambunctious.”
It was at that moment that the hotel owner suddenly became aware of guttural roars and gunshots coming from the basement of the building and immediately assumed the worst.
“Damn it Baxter! Vaggie and I told you not to keep your experiments in the building!” Charlie shouted as she rushed off to deal with the problem while Alastor trailed behind her, no doubt tagging along to enjoy the show.
Seeing as an opportunity now presented itself, Angel Dust quickly slipped out into the streets of pentagram city. It took him only a matter of seconds to pick Vaggie’s oversized bow out from the crowd, allowing him to start tailing her.
‘Oh man, I really hope she’s got some dirty laundry here. A bit of blackmail might be just the thing to get her to stop crawling up my ass all the time’ the porn star thought to himself.
*********************
On the surface level, one would think that Pentagram City was nothing more than the worst parts of every American city stitched together into a crazy quilt of crime and debauchery. Such an assumption would be correct, to a degree, with Valentino’s porn studio practically being a monument to such a horrible reputation.
But if you were to look closer, you could find that beneath all the rot there was a few decent areas here and there that provided a breath of fresh air for the sinners who had to spend all of their time constantly surrounded by the worst kind of people, where they could come to unwind without fears of getting stabbed out of the blue…at least less so than out on the streets.
‘Cynical Wonders Coffee’ was just such a locale, a small-time coffee shop tucked away into one of the commercial districts of the pentagram and practically hidden from the view of most. But in spite of that, it maintained a fiercely loyal customer base that always kept the place lively and fairly well funded.
Relaxed atmosphere, great coffee, okay pastries, and a wonderful grassroots feel that made it very popular with the locals. In fact many members of the local art scene liked to frequent the shop, claiming that something about the cafe’s ‘energy’ helped them brainstorm ideas, but we’re getting off topic.
The white-haired sharpshooter of I.M.P. took in a deep breath as he entered the location, savoring the smells of freshly ground coffee and bagels hot out of the oven. Right then Chey, a hybrid demon that was a mixture of a squirrel and a dog who was also one of the co-owners of the place, spotted him and broke out into a grin.
“Hey, Moxxie! Good to see ya again!” Said the hybrid demon behind the counter.
“Hi Chey, do you have my usual ready?” Asked the imp as he approached the counter.
“Yep. A mint frappe with dark chocolate shaving.” Chey replied with a smile.
“And soy milk?”
“Of course sweetheart!”
Moxxie smiled and placed the proper currency on the countertop before taking his drink. “You know me so well, how’s Cybra doing by the way?”
“Busy as usual.” Said Chey, motioning to her feline co-owner who was busy running orders from table to table. “I’ll tell em you said hi.”
Moxxie nodded and strolled off to his usual table, doing a bit of people watching as he waited for his companion to arrive.
Chey and Cybra were fairly recent additions to Hell, having died after having a rather fierce disagreement with a writer known only as ‘Talos’ which they absolutely refuse to elaborate on and frequently stab any persistent parties who attempt to drag it out of them. Regardless of their sins, the demons quickly carved a new home for themselves in the underworld and fit right in almost immediately; being just the right mix of assertiveness that kept people from screwing with them while also being likable enough to avoid bringing unwanted trouble on their heads which allowed them to maintain a mostly peaceful business down here.
Which suited Moxxie just fine, having a quiet place to sit down and get away from the usual hustle and bustle of his daily life was a rare commodity in hell and one he wasn’t about to take for granted.
Don’t get him wrong, I.M.P. was a pretty good place of employment overall; it was certainly better than most jobs an imp like Moxxie could ever hope to have and some of their jobs could be fun when they weren’t murdering entire families (Moxxie still wasn’t over the whole cannibal family incident...), especially when he got to see his incredibly sexy wife in action. But his coworkers could be a bit much for him to handle at times.
From Loona’s lazy attitude and belligerence to Blitzo’s childlike incompetence and stalkerish habits that left Moxxie constantly watching over his shoulder, working in that godforsaken office was to drive even the sanest members of society up a fucking wall. Even Millie could get on his nerves at times, in spite of the fact that she was the most perfect demon in all of hell.
The point was that sometimes Moxxie just needed a break, go somewhere private and let out all of his frustrations in a healthy and productive manner before returning to his daily grind. It was only through sheer good fortune that he managed to find someone else who was in the same situation and needed someone else to vent to.
“Vaggie! Darling! Come in, come in! I’m almost done with your usual.” Chey chirped. “If you’re looking for Moxxie, he’s right over there in your usual spot.”
‘Speak of the devil.’ Moxxie thought to himself.
Vaggie had been an odd sort of ‘kindred spirit’ for Moxxie from the day they met each other through a few Voxtagram exchanges. Despite the fact that they came from insanely different backgrounds what with Vaggie being a sinner who was dating the princess of hell herself and Moxxie being a lowly thespian imp working as a gun for hire, the more they talked the more they found that they actually had quite a lot in common with each other.
They were both generally nice demons, at least when compared to the assholes that they were surrounded by, but were far from being doormats and could certainly stand up for themselves when the need arose. They were both in healthy romantic relationships with some of the most amazing creatures in hell, an achievement in itself down here.
But what they really bonded over was the difficulties of being the only sane individual at both of their places of employment, being the often ignored voice of reason that tried and failed to keep their idiot coworkers out of trouble caused by their own crazy schemes. Almost the entirety of their friendship was built upon bitching about being constantly ridiculed by those around them for being ‘tightasses’ to someone who truly understood what such experiences were like.
Which was the ultimate purpose of these bi-weekly meetings: to take a day off with a friend and unload all the stress they had accumulated from their day to day life in a sort of a de-facto ‘therapy session’, swapping stories about whatever antics they found themselves getting roped into from their own sides of the pentagram without having to worry about getting their frustrations blown off. Sometimes they’d even make a sort of game out of it where they’d try to constantly top each other by pulling out the most ridiculous acts committed by their coworkers, which usually resulted in them debating whether Blitzo or Angel Dust was the bigger headache to deal with in the grand scheme of things. (So far it’s been almost dead even between the two and Moxxie and Vaggie were both thankful that the two had never met, shuddering to imagine what sort of chaos they would cause if such an interaction occured.)
Moxxie was snapped out of those thoughts when he saw that Vaggie had collected her usual black coffee and was heading over towards their regular table with a soft smile, the imp returning it with a friendly smile of his own as she took the seat across from him.
“Hey Moxxie.” Vaggie said.
“Hi Vaggie, you’re looking well today. I can tell you’ve been using that conditioner I recommended.” Moxxie replied.
“Yep. Thanks again for telling me about that stuff, it’s way better than the product I was using before; I swear my hair has never been this soft, not even when I was still alive.”
“See? Getting the right brand can make all the difference, it’s not all price gouging you know.” The imp chuckled.
“Okay, okay, I’ll admit that I was wrong to be skeptical about it. But cut me some slack, I’ve never really been big on this whole ‘self care’ stuff.” Said Vaggie.
“Fair enough. So have things been getting better at the hotel lately? I’ve heard the radio demon has been really helpful in the renovation process.” Moxxie asked, steering the conversation in a different direction.
The moth sinner groaned and leaned back in her chair, making it clear that the exact opposite had happened.
“That bad huh?” Said Moxxie.
“Oh you have no fucking idea, I mean sure Alastor has at least gotten the hotel ‘functioning’ and turned it from a roach trap to a livable space but all the staff he keeps pulling in are complete lunatics! And that smug bitch barely even makes an effort to try and control them unless Charlie makes him do it!” Vaggie complained.
“Well at least you’ve got someone backing you up, even Millie won’t help me reign in Blitzo most of the time.” Moxxie said
“I guess that’s true. But Charlie’s got enough to deal with as it is, she doesn’t need a manic housekeeper, a drunk concierge, and a mad scientist bellhop making everything worse.”
The imp leaned closer to Vaggie, clearly interested. “Sounds like there’s a few stories there.”
“Oh there are. I actually caught Niffty digging through my underwear drawer so that she could fold and organize it all in the middle of the night; I can be a bit of a neat freak but she takes it too far. And don’t even get me started on the sheer amount of cat hair that’s started to turn up around the hotel ever since we brought Husk on board.” Vaggie focused her attention back onto her smaller friend. “But enough about my problems, how have things been on your end? Any word on that Striker guy?”
Moxxie shook his head. “I’m afraid not. He disappeared without a trace after the festival.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to tell Charlie about what happened? She might be able to get some of her dad’s guards to look for him and I won’t menton you guys were involved.” Vaggie offered
“I appreciate the offer but no. Like you said, your girlfriend has enough on her plate as it stands; it wouldn’t be right to pile our problems on top of everything else, let us deal with Striker.”
“Fine, it’s just a little worrying that someone like him is running around with angelic guns. If he went after Charlie…” Vaggie began.
“Then you’ll be right there to protect her like you always do.” Moxxie said, putting a comforting hand on her knee.
“I know and Charlie could probably handle an assassin targeting her if she needed to, it’s just….” The moth sinner sighed. “She’s the greatest thing to happen to me and I don’t want to lose her.”
“That’s a natural concern to have about the love of your life, if anything ever happened to Millie then I don’t know what I’d do. But as long as you’ve got each other’s backs then you’ll be able to overcome anything, take my word for it.”
Vaggie smiled and took another sip of her coffee, giving a wordless thanks to the imp for such reassurances.
“But back to your original question. Things have been about the same as usual at I.M.P…..except for a recent incident.” Moxxie said, fingers drumming nervously against the sides of his drink.
“I get the feeling I’m really not gonna like this.”
“You’d be right considering Blitzo and I recently had to escape from government agents.” Moxxie stated
Vaggie immediately spit out her drink in shock, spraying the table with black liquids. “YOU WHAT?!”
Moxxie pulled out a napkin and started cleaning the table. “They called themselves the D.H.O.R.K.S. and apparently they had been monitoring our activity on earth for a while. Since Blitzo doesn’t know the meaning of stealth, we had the misfortune of getting captured and subsequently gassed with hallucinogenic drugs.” A shiver went down the imp’s spine. “That was a really bad trip.”
“You didn’t tell them anything, right? I.M.P. Is already walking on thin ice with you borrowing a magical grimoire from the Ars Goetia illegally, exposing the existence of demons to the living world would be enough to get all of you executed.” Said Vaggie.
“Of course not, we managed to stall them long enough for Millie and Loona to come rescue us. Then we slaughtered the majority of their forces before Prince Stolas brought us all to safety.” Moxxie replied. “Even if we all got out unharmed, it was a far closer call than I was comfortable with…”
“And you’re sure that they’re not gonna become a threat down the road?”
“Positive. From what I could tell, all of the agents were regarded as nothing more than crackpots by their peers. Without any solid proof of our existence, they’re practically a non-issue.” Moxxie replied.
Vaggie sighed. “Alright. But if you turn out to be wrong and have the entirety of hell’s royalty crawling up your ass over your fuck up, don’t expect me to help you out. I doubt even Charlie could save you from whatever punishment her father could think up.”
“Fair enough. However I have to admit the experience wasn’t all bad; when Blitzo and I were hallucinating, I think we came to an understanding of sorts and things have improved between us since. Granted he’s still an insufferable ass, but it’s certainly a step in the right direction.” Moxxie remarked.
“Silver linings I guess.”
Moxxie hummed and returned to his caffeinated drink with Vaggie doing much of the same, a comfortable silence settling between the two while they enjoyed each other’s company in the calm atmosphere of their favorite coffee shop.
Moments later, Cybra lumbered over with their usual food orders: some dark chocolate macarons for Vaggie and two apple cinnamon muffins for Moxxie. With a round of thanks from the two demons, the cat demon gave a polite nod and started tending to the rest of the customers
Right as the goth girl was about to sink her teeth into the bittersweet pastry, a thought crossed her mind and she physically grimaced.
“Oh god, I just remembered what Angel did a few days ago.” Vaggie groaned.
“Do tell.” Moxxie replied, swallowing down his muffin.
“You ever see that music video for ‘rock the ballroom’ by Verosika Mayday?”
The imp shook his head. “No, I don’t really listen to pop music.”
“Well in the video, there’s one scene where Verosika hops onto a chandelier hanging over a dance hall and she starts using it as a stripper pole, swinging around on it and stuff.” Vaggie explained.
Moxxie nodded. “Go on.”
“So Angel saw the video while he was drunk and thought it would be a good idea to re-enact that particular scene at the hotel…in the nude.” Vaggie said. “It took us an hour to get him down from there, all while he was singing that stupid song…”
“That man has absolutely no shame, does he?” Said Moxxie.
Vaggie popped a macron into her mouth. “Not as far as I know.”
“Still, it can’t be any worse than coming home to find your boss laying naked on the couch, surrounded by rose petals and lit candles.” Moxxie muttered.
“He didn’t…”
“Gee I wish I could tell you no.”
As the two demons slipped into their usual routine of expressing their frustration at the antics of their insane coworkers, they remained blissfully unaware of the chaos unfolding just across the street.
*********************
“I swear to fuck if I don’t find a goddamn parking spot soon, I am gonna shoot somebody!” Blitzo exclaimed as his eyes scanned the occupied streets.
Blitzo had been successfully trailing Moxxie in the IMP van for a good fifteen minutes, right up until the white haired imp disappeared into a small time coffee shop and didn’t come back out.
Easily deducing that this was where Moxxie was planning to meet with his ‘special friend’, Blitzo went to work finding a proper parking spot for his beloved vehicle so that he could continue his investigation on foot.
Unfortunately for him, it seemed as though everyone and their mothers had decided that today was a good day to go out and about as all the streets were filled with cars. Even the illegal spots were occupied by parked cars and Blitzo’s patience was quickly running thin; every minute he wasted here was another minute that he was missing out on that sweet, juicy Moxxie gossip.
Looping back around to the original street to ensure Moxxie was still at the coffee shop, Blitzo noticed that he was now sitting across from another figure within the shop but couldn’t make them out from his vantage point. The lanky imp was about to pull the van closer to the cafe storefront in hopes of catching a glimpse of the mysterious individual, when his attention was suddenly pulled away when he caught the glimpse of something far more interesting in a different store front.
Sitting right there in the window of a novelty shop, was the most adorable pink unicorn plushie Blitzo had ever seen in his life. The imp couldn’t help but coo at the sight of the stuffed animal and his smile only grew wider when he saw that it was marked down for 75% off, a veritable steal! While stalking Moxxie was certainly a priority, Blitzo couldn’t afford to pass up a bargain like that.
“Eh, Moxxie isn’t going anywhere soon. I’ll just pop in and grab that cutesy wutesy pony then get right back to finding out what Moxxie’s been up to.” Blitzo said, speeding off in search of a parking spot once more.
Moments after he left, a certain spider sinner rounded the corner with his eyes scanning the streets in search of Charlie’s girlfriend.
Keeping track of Vaggie without getting spotted by her had been a bit trickier than Angel Dust had anticipated, the girl had kept looking over her shoulder out of paranoia and forced Angel Dust to duck out of sight before he could be seen. But it was all worth it in the end as Vaggie had finally arrived at her secret meeting place, a coffee shop, and he was now moments away from finding out what she had been doing under Charlie’s nose.
But as Angel was getting ready to cross the street, a splash of pink out of the corner of his eye grabbed his interest and he came face to face with a really cute unicorn plushie sitting in a storefront window.
An image of fat nuggets cuddled up to the plushie in his widdle bed appearing in Angel’s head was enough to make the sinner’s heart melt on the spot and he decided that he had to purchase it immediately. It wouldn’t take long, just a quick in and out and he’d get right back to his investigation.
Before Angel could head inside however, some stupid imp in a lame ass suit rudely pushed past him and ran into the store.
“Hey! Watch it asshole!” Angel Dust yelled as he entered the shop himself. The spider demon would have made a bigger stink about it but he had a pony to purchase and a friend to stalk, he didn’t have time to teach an imp some manners.
Making a beeline for the pink plushie, Angel attempted to pick it up off of it’s display only to feel something pull it in the opposite direction and turned to see the same rude imp from earlier also grasping the plushie with a rather confused look on their face.
“What the fuck are you doing?” the imp asked.
“Trying to buy this unicorn, so will ya let go of it?” Angel Dust replied.
“You let go! This bad boy is mine!” The imp shouted, trying to wrench the stuffed animal from Angel’s grasp.
The porn star narrowed his eyes. “I don’t see yer damn name on it, so piss off shortstack!”
“SHORTSTACK?! Who you calling shortstack you cumstained cottonball cunt?!”
“Okay, that was a good one, nice alliteration.” Angel begrudgingly remarked. “But I’ll be damned if I let some jackass in a cheap suit get one over me!”
The two creatures started having a tug of war battle over the stuffed animal, Angel pulling on the unicorn’s head while the imp yanked on it’s legs in a desperate attempt to get the unicorn out of their opponent’s grasp.
“GIMMIE THE DAMN PLUSHIE!” Angel screamed.
“MINEMINEMINEMINE!” The imp screeched back.
Unfortunately for both Angel and the imp, what failed to occur to both of them was that tugging on an object in two different directions tended to increase its fragility. A lesson that they learned a few moments too late when the sound of ripping fabric suddenly cut through the air, followed immediately by the plushie being torn in two and both demons falling on their asses with the remains of their prize still clutched in their hands.
“Son of a bitch! Look what you did!” Angel Dust said, waving his half of the unicorn around. “Now neither of us get to have it!”
“Me? You’re the dumbass that wouldn’t let go! I saw it first, I called dibs, therefore it should have been mine!” The imp shot back.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You pushed past me to get in here, if anyone had dibs it was me!”
“Well maybe if your fat ass wasn’t blocking the whole door I wouldn’t have had to!” The imp growled. “Ever hear of a salad butterball?”
Angel’s eyes widened. “What the FUCK did you just say?”
“I’m insulting your weight, prick, or are you too stupid to-” the imp was cut off when the porn star’s fist introduced itself to his face.
He stumbled back a few feet, dazed but not down, then adopted a look of pure rage before lunging at Angel Dust and tackling him to the ground with the intent to brutally maim the sinner.
By the time their fight was broken up by the local authorities, the store had been trashed, both Angel Dust and Blitzo were bruised and beaten to hell, and their respective quandaries had long since vacated the coffee shop across the street.
*********************
While Cynical Wonder’s Coffee was always the backdrop to the first half of their meetings, Vaggie and Moxxie typically liked to take a far more spontaneous approach to the second half by doing the first thing that popped into their heads.
Sometimes they’d see a movie, other times they’d wander into a pool hall or an arcade for some friendly competition, or partake in a wide range of various activities together as friends….and nothing more.
That was something Vaggie really liked about Moxxie: he never tried making any sort of unwelcome pass at her and was extremely respectful of her boundaries. The imp understood perfectly well that the nature of their relationship was strictly platonic and openly stated that he felt no form of physical attraction to his sinner friend.
Although Moxxie has admitted he does find Vaggie aesthetically pleasing in the past and Vaggie can’t deny that the imp was kinda cute for a guy, both of those instances were just friendly compliments as opposed to actual flirting.
The point was that Vaggie and Moxxie were purely friends and they were both perfectly comfortable with such an arrangement. Neither of them had a desire to take their relationship any further than that nor did they see a point to doing so: they were both in healthy romantic relationships with wonderful demons that they wouldn’t even dream of cheating on.
Said demons were currently the subject of their current discussion as they shared a walk through Pentagram City Central Park, an idea Moxxie came up with for today’s activity.
“I know Charlie really means well and just wants to help everyone in hell as much as she can, but sometimes it feels like she’s too innocent for her own good and everyone keeps taking advantage of it..” Vaggie grumbled. “I still catch flak from demons out there over the whole ‘inside every demon is a rainbow’ stunt.”
“For what it’s worth, I actually liked her song; it was quite charming.” Moxxie said.
“Well of course you would niño de teatro.” Vaggie said in a teasing tone.
“It’s still better than the I.M.P. jingle.”
“Fair. I still can’t believe your boss spent so much money on that commercial, he might as well have been burning his money.”
Moxxie rolled his eyes. “Tell me about it, the fact that he hasn’t driven the company into the ground yet is nothing short of a divine miracle.”
“Why do you even put up with him anyways?”
“Because despite everything he does, working for I.M.P. is probably one of the better jobs an imp like me could hope for.” Moxxie flatly replied as they rounded the park lake.
“You could always work at the hotel, a few extra hands couldn’t hurt and-”
Moxxie huffed. “Vaggie, we’ve been over this before. I appreciate the offer but I really don’t need your pity, I’m fine with where I am now.” The imp picked up a stone and skipped it across the water. “Besides, working for I.M.P. means that not only do I get to work with my wife but I also get to see her kicking ass and taking names like the badass I fell in love with.”
Vaggie let out a snort. “Right, Millie. For a pair of assassins you guys really do have a cute relationship, I’m almost jealous.”
“Thanks, I still can’t believe our one year anniversary is coming up next week.”
“No shit? Congrats Mox, have anything special planned?” Asked Vaggie.
“Oh nothing much, just gonna take her out to dinner at Ozzie’s.” Moxxie said with a confident smile.
“You mean that super exclusive club in the lust ring? How the hell did you get a reservation?” said Vaggie.
“Let’s just say I’ve been planning this for a while now.” Moxxie replied. “I even managed to rope my way into some time onstage so I could sing Millie a song I wrote for the occasion.”
“She is so lucky to have you, seriously. Most guys wouldn’t even remember their girlfriend or wife’s anniversary.”
“Well I’m not like most guys, you know that Vaggie.” Moxxie replied.
The moth sinner hummed in agreement, allowing silence to overtake the duo once more.
They walked along the concrete paths for a while, taking in the relatively fresh air and the surprisingly well manicured plant life in silence until Vaggie spoke up.
“Hey Moxxie?”
“Yeah?” the imp replied.
“How did you propose to Millie?”
Moxxie looked over at his sinner friend. “Why do you ask? Are you planning on popping the question to Charlie?”
“No! No, I’m...I’m just curious.”
“Sureeee you are.” Moxxie said sarcastically. “Well it’s kind of a funny story really. See Millie and I had been dating for a while now, just completely in love and I had finally realized that ‘yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman’. So I pulled in some extra work to be able to afford a nice ring for her and set up a romantic dinner date for the two of us at the same restaurant we had our first date in to set the scene. The whole thing went perfectly, the food was good, we shared some great conversation, and at the end I felt that the mood was just right to finally ask Millie the question I had been holding in for so long. I got on one knee, pulled out the ring…”
Vaggie motioned for him to continue, clearly hanging off every word.
“And I dropped it. I was about to ask the love of my life to marry me and I dropped the fucking ring on the floor.”
“Oh god, that must have been embarrassing.” Vaggie laughed.
“It was, but not as embarrassing as what happened next.” Moxxie said. “See before I could pick it back up, one of the waiters walked by and accidentally kicked it over to the other side of the restaurant where I lost track of it. I scrambled to find it only to discover that some jerk at a different table had already snatched up the ring and clearly planned on keeping it, even sneering at me when I asked for it back. I admit I got a little angry but I think you’d agree it was a justifiable reaction, as was punching him in the nose and stealing the ring back which then led to an all out brawl within where I lost the ring AGAIN, this time for good, and was forced to flee the scene when the police showed up. I apologized to Millie afterwards for ruining the night but she just laughed and said that she had a wonderful date with her fiance...it took me about a minute to realize what she had said and start celebrating. We got married a couple months later and the rest was history.”
“Wait, so after all that she still said yes?” Said Vaggie, bewildered.
Moxxie nodded “ It doesn’t matter how you propose, or whether or not the proposal goes well; you could put on a grand romantic gesture or you could just be upfront and ask them without much fanfare. As long as your proposal comes from the heart with the full intention to spend the rest of your life with the one you love then it doesn’t matter what you do, you could pop the question with a lollipop ring if you wanted to.”
Vaggie looked to the ground. “Huh...that actually helps a lot, thanks Moxxie!”
“Don’t mention it. Just save me a seat when you two do decide to tie the knot, I’d hate to miss out on the wedding of the century.” The imp said.
“Only if you promise to keep Blitzo from finding out about it, I don’t want that bastard anywhere near my wedding.”
“Deal.” Moxxie said, looking up to see that they were now approaching the park entrance. “Well, looks like it’s about time for us to part ways.”
“Yep, same time in two weeks?” Asked Vaggie.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Moxxie replied.
Sharing a brief goodbye hug, complete with platonic back pats, the two demons prepared to return to their respective lives; but before they did, Moxxie spoke up one last time
“Hey Vaggie...thanks for being my friend. It’s nice to have someone I can open up to like this.”
Vaggie shot the imp a smile. “Likewise Moxxie. Good luck with your assassination business”
“And good luck with your reformatory hotel!” Moxxie replied.
On that note, Moxxie and Vaggie departed from their friendly little meetup and headed back to their own respective worlds. Both demons feeling far more refreshed and light on their feet from before having finally managed to get some much needed release from the stress and frustration brought about by the chaos of their respective lives.
Moxxie personally had a content smile adorning his face, still riding the high from yet another lovely meet up with his friend and starting to consider if they should start meeting weekly instead of bi-weekly. Sadly that happiness couldn’t last for long as the sharpshooter as his hellphone started ringing and displayed the number of his boss upon the screen, the imp knew he was probably calling about something stupid but answered it anyways out of professionalism.
“Yes Blitzo, what is it?” Moxxie said
“Moxxie, thank fuck, I’m in some serious shit right now and I need your help.” Blitzo’s voice whispered from the other end.
Moxxie let out a groan. “What did you do this time?”
“I got into a fight with some spider jackass, Angel Slut I think it was, because he wouldn’t give me a plushie after I totally called dibs on it. Point is that I’m hiding from the cops in a dumpster and need you to bring the company van around to smuggle me out.”
“Wait, was that spider sinner white and pink, wearing high heels and a striped suit?” Moxxie said, quickly making the connection.
“Yeah! How did you know?”
“Sir it’s all over the news.” Moxxie lied. “There’s an active manhunt out for you right now.”
“Damn, really? That fire must have spread further than I thought. Okay look, I’ll text you my location so you can swing by and grab my ass; then we can head back to HQ with some cold beers and wait for all of this crap to blow over, sound good?” Blitzo said.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can, Blitzo, goodbye.” Moxxie said, hanging up the phone.
The imp pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, knowing perfectly well that Vaggie was going to be doing much of the same when she got the news herself. They were going to have a lot to talk about when the next meeting rolled around, it was gonna be great.