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The softness of another’s touch, it was a vivid daydream. Similarly nostalgic and new, caressing her cheek like an abandoned friend. Mary could never know.
Ririka glanced at her girlfriend’s strange position on her small twin bed. Already, Mary had stretched out her limbs to dangle off of the edges. It made it easier that she never woke, never noticed. There was a bitterness to it, too, brought on by a secret which Ririka nearly longed for Mary to discover.
She would occasionally leave without any attempt at subtlety. Her keys, jangling loudly from her finger as she walked out, pushing the door closed with her foot. The regret came instantly after that. A rushing tide, sweeping over her senses and causing her legs to tremble with the thought of Mary waking. Because she knew what Mary would think of her if she knew. What she may even think of herself.
Mary put up a good front, but she was soft on the inside, and that was precisely where the problem lay. Her strong, unrelenting arms. Arms which cradled around Ririka in a way she once thought precious. Now, it felt wrong compared to the feeling she returned to every night. Slipping out of Mary’s grasp, those hard angles which seemed to shove into Ririka at random intervals as Mary jerked about in her sleep.
It was hardly a bruising or even injuring gesture. It could simply be Mary’s elbow pushing back into her stomach at the slightest degree. Now that she had felt true pleasure, the beautifully divine feeling she cherished and hid, Mary’s movements were amplified. What once had made Ririka blush and snuggle closer now felt like a nightly attack. Overwhelming in its intensity.
Ririka approached the door of Mary’s dorm and reached for the knob. A shuddering sigh came from her right and she jumped, apprehensive tension filling her lungs with air and her feet with a solid stone that grounded her unwillingly. It was overwhelming, the guilt she suffered through alone, as much as she deserved it. It had just been Mary breathing. The sound was irregular to how Ririka usually observed her breathing being when she left, but Mary had never woken before. It had to be a chance event.
She soothed herself with the quick justification, not daring to think otherwise. Besides, if Mary caught her before she got in too deep then she could explain it away easily as needing to fetch something from her room, or as a midnight bathroom break. This finally relieved the heavy feeling from her feet. Ririka took a tentative step toward the door, again raising her hand. Her eyes were trained on Mary. Nothing else peculiar happened, and so she continued on her way out.
—
Mary sighed loudly as she woke from a rather disturbing nightmare. She was greeted by a cold absence in the bed. The slight creak of floorboards in an otherwise silent room, however, told her that Ririka was still in the room. She would just have to hope Ririka didn’t deduce anything from the noise she made.
Of course, Mary trusted Ririka. She may simply be going to the bathroom. But... it was better to be safe than sorry, right? She bit her tongue at the worsening feeling of a twisting stomach, clouding her judgement with wild fantasies. What if Ririka was cheating on her? Ririka seemed so sweet on the outside, but now that she had found her independence, she could be quite strong-willed and was already fairly intelligent.
Mary was well aware of what came with being intelligent, with being a gambler at this school. Deception, cruelty. Cheating. Skills that Ririka may pursue with that newfound independence. Was it truly that far-fetched to consider? Ririka did exercise coldness and deception in the past, acting as Kirari. What if she realized that it wasn’t all acting? She may have claimed to want Mary, but that could change just as Ririka had over the past few months. Her toes curled, calves tensing with the urge to rip off the blankets and follow after Ririka immediately.
A measly, yet agonizingly long, five seconds passed before she gave in and slid out of bed. She wore a large white t-shirt that extended an inch or so past her underwear, but couldn’t find it in her to care if anyone saw her like this. A quick hesitation, accompanied by the thought of Ryota once saying he took a midnight walk to get snacks, ultimately drew her to pull on some light blue pajama shorts. Ririka’s shorts.
A dry swallow rattled down her throat like a rock, filling her chest with a heavy uncertainty. Her heart longed for the easy, embarrassing resolution. Wished desperately for the humiliation of stalking Ririka on her way to the bathroom, instead of the heartbreak of finding her entering a classmate’s dorm room.
Mary turned the doorknob as silently as possible and poked her head out, anxiously scanning the hallway. Ririka disappeared around the corner in a flash of long, silver hair. Something was different about it, though. It was in a ponytail. Mary sucked in a trembling, terrified breath. Would Ririka be that brazen?
The doorknob jostled under her shaking hand and she released it along with an attempt at a deep breath. Surely, there was an explanation for this. Ririka couldn’t leave her. Not like Tsuzura did. This would be even worse, because she would have been fooled for the second time, and intentionally. Tsuzura leaving was entirely Kirari’s fault. But to think that Ririka would put on such an act with her and then sneak away at night...
It may insinuate that Mary was just not worth having. Not enough at all. Her head raced at the same breakneck speed as her heart. There was a possibility that Ririka was working with Kirari to torment her. Tsuzura hadn’t been enough to break her, but this would. She shook the thought from her head instantly, though it lingered at the edges of her mind, a virus that delighted in her pain and confusion.
She finally calmed her breathing enough to not be noticeable, and so she began following behind Ririka. Her girlfriend, who she should trust. A note of anger took hold then. It was much preferable to the other emotions swirling around her head, yet still torturous in how it made her doubt Ririka. She wouldn’t have this doubt if Ririka would have told her where she was going. She wouldn’t be at the edge of tears, the once proud Mary Saotome trembling with fear.
She should be holding her head high. Not skirting walls, checking around the corner like some kind of pathetic house pet afraid to encounter a bully. Ririka had reduced her to this. The same Ririka she saw walking into an unmarked room she didn’t recognize. Mary narrowed her eyes, staring intently at her girlfriend. She had a grin on her face typically reserved only for Mary. That stupid, silver ponytail bouncing behind her as she vanished yet again, this time probably into the clutches of some ungrateful freak.
Nobody could show Ririka the love that she did. Her heart was admittedly guarded at times, and she barely let Ririka hold her hand in public, but in private Mary thought she more than made up for it. Apparently Ririka had a different outlook, her mind whispered cruelly. Her hands clenched into tight fists. She could barely contain her ire, teeth grinding together as they tended to when anyone set her off.
Whoever the girl was, she would regret messing with Mary’s life. Ririka wasn’t just her girlfriend. She was the love of her life, and Mary wasn’t about to let her heart get broken without first beating up whoever was responsible.
—
Ririka thought she felt eyes on her, but she chalked it up to her paranoia. It happened often. Besides, she was finally here. The place she passed frequently during the day, holding herself back even while her heart ached to go inside. It would be too shameful to be caught, she had to remind herself. Constantly. Kirari’s voice rang in her head whenever she spotted the door, that cold tone contrasting itself with concerned words.
“I would rather you simply quit this habit, Ririka, but if you must, keep it confined to the nighttime hours. The student council’s reputation is at stake, not to mention your own dignity.”
To anyone else, the sentiment would sound uncaring, possibly selfish. Ririka always had a talent of reading her sister’s unsaid emotions. She could have demanded that Ririka stop. Kirari even knew where this room was, and said nothing of it. When Sayaka had questioned the strange, locked room, Kirari had told her to move on from the topic.
Ririka sensed that Kirari understood her plight, had been through a similar situation and was granting her some leeway as a result. She wondered if her sister knew the pain of quitting cold turkey, and thought she could save Ririka the pain by giving her a small amount of time here. Just enough to comfort her, tide her over until the next night, even as she craved more every moment. Ririka wondered what Sayaka thought of Kirari’s indiscretions. Furthermore, if Kirari was getting any heat for her decision relating to Ririka.
She collapsed into the vast king bed, softness washing over her senses and wiping away her worries. All of those observations, connecting together automatically and progressing into millions of conclusions. It was gone. Her mouth quirked up into an appreciative smile, sinking into the comfort beneath and around her. She was glad she had decided to start putting her hair up lately. Now she snuggled into the plush feeling, able to embrace it freely without hair tickling her cheeks or invading her mouth to ruin the experience.
The pleasure was so great that she didn’t even notice the door open, which she’d forgotten to lock in her haste.
“What the fuck?”
Ririka winced at the sound. Anger rose in her chest from the interruption. Her muscles which she had just gotten to completely relax tensed up again. This was the only time she got with them, and someone was taking that away from her. She continued to hide her face in the mass on the bed. Wishful thinking, that the figure behind her would just ignore this and leave. A second later, she registered the voice as Mary’s and she swung her head around, her body following it. An arm carelessly knocked some plushies to the floor.
The anger she felt swiftly turned to fear and shame as she met Mary’s golden eyes. They were watering with unshed tears, which Mary seemed to be rapidly blinking away. Her mouth was slightly ajar in shock. Was Mary that embarrassed to be with her now, that she was on the verge of tears? Ririka held one of the plushies to her chest, not even realizing what she was doing but needing the comfort it provided.
“I thought...” Mary scoffed and looked around the room, eyes widening more as she did.
It was the size of a dorm room, likely had been one before Ririka requisitioned its use. Ririka could barely remember that time. It was the height of her addiction, she recalled, pulling another plushie to her chest. And another. She was doing better now... her hand reached out for yet another and she realized she was almost buried and Mary was scrutinizing her from much closer than she had been standing just a moment ago. Or maybe Ririka had lost track of time somehow.
“Did you even hear what I was saying?” Mary asked. Her tone was caring and soft, a stark difference to when she first came in. How long had it been?
Ririka swallowed, looking up at her fearfully from her comfort cocoon. There were not only three on her chest, but more than ten oversized plushies atop her. Mary leaned over her, into the mountain she had created.
“No...?”
Mary reached for one near her face and Ririka slapped her hand away harshly on instinct. Mary squeaked and stepped back, cradling her hand to her stomach. Clearly, she hadn’t been expecting that. Neither had Ririka, if she was honest. She watched Mary, unable to fully clear her mind from her surroundings. It was overwhelming yet she still felt like she needed more. If only Mary would just assist her in burying herself, rather than trying to take them away.
“Are these all-“
“Squishmallows,” Ririka interjected. Even she knew it sounded maniacal, the way she said it so quickly, so desperate and worshipping.
Mary gazed at her silently for a moment. Ririka snuggled into her squishmallows, unbothered by Mary’s obvious conflict.
“Okay, come here.”
Ririka screeched inhumanly as Mary dove through the pile, grabbing her around her midsection and wrestling her out of the bed and, consequently, the squishmallows. She struggled at first, but once she was out of the plushies’ grasp, her mind returned to its usual state. It helped that it was Mary pulling her out. While she may prefer the squishmallows’ comfort to her girlfriend’s arms at night, she couldn’t deny the power of being in Mary’s arms. The love it brought to her heart.
“I’m- I’m so sorry, Mary,” Ririka whispered, resting her head on Mary’s shoulder tentatively.
Mary held her tightly to her, one hand reaching up to pull the band from her hair. Silver hair fell unimpeded down Ririka’s back. The strong sensation of Mary’s touch seemed to bring her back down to earth. As overwhelming it could be, it was filled with love and everything uniquely Mary. The never-ending itch driving her to her squishmallows room at night had convinced her this was a bad feeling.
Ririka brushed her lips against Mary’s neck, relishing the warmth beneath. As the seconds passed, however, she began to feel the obsession invading her mind once more, begging her to return to the bed of plushies. She sighed and resisted the urge, instead pressing herself closer to Mary.
“Don’t worry, Ririka. I’ll get help for you.”