Work Text:
You are sitting in a boat.
It's an old one without much rigging, only one paddle to keep yourself going. But there is no sign of land.
It's sunny, but not warm. The sky is clear of clouds and blue. The light of the sun burns, just like the dried tear tracks on your face tug on your skin. You are alone, there is nowhere to go and too many options that might spell doom as well as hope.
WHAT DO YOU REGRET
It comes from all around you, though mostly from above. You try to turn around to see, but your movement nearly capsizes the boat. You stabilize it, you do not want to enter the water. You sit up properly again.
There is a list in front of you.
So many things to choose from, it's so long. It starts at your eyelevel and falls down to the boat in big bundles of paper. As you scroll through it, the words fly up to the sky. Only one statement sounds true:
"I couldn't protect anyone"
You don't have anyone to protect though, not here on the ocean. You try to find something else but your eyes return to the same sentence over and over again. The list fills with it until it's the only thing you can see. "I couldn't protect anyone"
I couldn't protect anyone
I couldn't protect anyone
I couldn't protect anyone
You sigh. Then you nod. It's true after all. You regret it alot. Before tears can well up again all the blue is leeched away and you realize that you are in your room. The room of your early adulthood, the one in which so many memories were made.
It wasn't pretty or organized, mostly it was just small. But sometimes you miss it so much. The chances you had back then.
He is in front of you. He says
5 YEARS
And you hear what he doesn't say:
5 years 5 years and nothing got done,
5 years 5 years you don't have anyone,
5 years 5 years you ended up all alone,
5 years 5 years you'll drown on your own.
MAKE YOUR CHOICE NOW
He is leaning on your old baseball bat as if it was a gentleman's cane, even though He has no body to lean with. He moves an arm, though He has none, over your old dresser. Hanging on it are 5 cards.
Each of them written by hand, reminding you of the cards you once used to learn for exams. Your last exam is a long time past. None of what they are saying makes sense.
DO WHAT YOU WILL
PROTECT YOUR MIND
PUSH YOURSELF FORWARD
FORCE OUT YOUR FEARS
TAKE WHAT YOU NEED
The first card sounds interesting and as you focus on it, His hands light up in a tiny fireworks display. He can do magic and he shows you that reality simply bends to his will. You know this is a dream though, it's not nearly as impressive as he makes it seem. You focus on the second card.
He laughs and it's a chill in your bones. It's warm in your room increasingly so, but the ocean has taken its toll. You don't need him to show you what that card means you have already realized that it is what would be needed to keep Him and beings alike out of your dreams, your head, your thoughts.
You don't want to forget though, so you focus on the third. It's then that He smiles at you. Sly and sleek and slimy. He knows what you don't yet know and that is how you will choose. Because of course your choice has long since been made.
He shows you what impeccable control you could gain over your body. Making it move whenever you want or need to, making it immovable when you else would come to harm. He knows just like you do that constantly fighting your body has taken a toll on your mind, on your life. You can not afford to choose something else.
2 CHOICES
He almost seems kind, like this. Almost like one of them is a boon. Like he knows it wasn't a choice at all and thus he grants you something else too instead of your right after what you have already offered.
What did you offer?
The next card, is irrelevant. It's inconvenient, it doesn't even make Him move. You don't need that, fear never much inhibited you. What you need is the next.
TAKE WHAT YOU NEED He reads aloud
GOOD CHOICE
His voice is like a yell, your throat is raw. He leans forward to whisper even though he has nothing to lean forward with and whispers in your ear even though his voice is still as loud and coming from everywhere at once, though mainly from behind.
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU
You shudder once more. The chill has crept out of your bones into your skin, all your hairs stand on end. You turn to look at him.
There is noone to look at. He has taken you to your old school now. You are in the locker room, a mirror showing you, both younger and older than you remember being and his grin behind you. You turn around.
There are many questions that burn on your tongue, flow down your throat. He turns your head towards the mirror, it shows you walking into a job interview greeting the person on the other side of the table with a handshake. You hear yourself say:
"You should really hire me. From what i can see none of the other appliants have my qualifications nor my experience."
You know that this is bullshit. Your qualifications are mediocre at best and you have barely any experience to speak of, though the person behind the table seems to be entirely enchanted by mirror-image-you.
He shows you walking into a museum asking to see their priced collection and walking out of it with the piece in your bag. He shows you more and more absurd scenarios of where you simply ask for anything and it will be given to you.
You as a thief, politician, leader, advisor, diplomat. You anywhere you want to be surrounded by people who want to give you anything. It makes you giddy with power.
"Can anyone take it away? Can I loose it?"
ONLY SOMEONE WITH A CLAIM TO YOUR NAME CAN USE IT
It's meant to settle you, is meant as a kindness. Though it confuses you even more. So many names belong to you and to none of them do you have a higher claim than the fact that people call you by it.
You want to turn to ask.
He smiles at you, sly sleek and slick as can be. He knows that He is unable to be kind and so do you. He holds up a bag of white powder. His grin is no longer anything but teeth. You are afraid once more.
I PROMISE IT'S NOT COCAINE
He says as he puts the powder against your lips and you let out your tongue to taste it. With a last feigned kindness, the caress of a hand that doesn't exist He leaves you.
You wake up in your bed, mouth dry, head thumbing and you are not sure if you will lose your life, your soul or your name in 5 years time. Who says you will loose anything at all? What name did you use?
Why are you in your old room?
What happened to your hair?
You hear your roommate roaming about and decide its time to get up. It never has been easier to do so. The fear in your heart at the uncertainty cannot overshadow the joy, the pure elation at your body listening to you. Who cares what happens in five years, you have another chance!