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No. No no no no no. Nope. It wasn’t possible. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. Fuck malnutrition, fuck his shitty parents, fuck his genes, fuck WHOEVER HE COULD BLAME for this GROSS MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE.
Kenny McCormick was staring out over the high school’s front lawn at his best friend, Butters Stotch, newly home from a summer spent away on vacation. Well. Actually if the rumors were to be believed, back from a summer of doing hard labor in a fucking desert; but Kenny wasn’t one to believe whatever BS fell out of people’s mouths, so he was waiting to actually ask Butters about that part.
He was even sacrificing valuable sleep time to be here on Butters' horrible early schedule expressly so he could ask him about where the hell he’d fucked off to all summer. And if he was okay. And if they were okay. One problem with that entire idea- unless he wanted to shout his questions across the lawn, Kenny would have to go fucking stand next to Butters.
And Butters had gotten his growth spurt, which made Kenny the last goddamn kid in their grade to get taller. SHIT. Kenny felt anxious anger tighten up his spine and settle between his eyebrows.
Now, normally Kenny was pretty chill about this stuff. He didn’t care that it had taken his voice longer to start changing; the guys had all sounded like morons with their weird bobbing modulation, and he’d just skipped right over that to his nearly-adult voice, thanks. He didn’t care that it had taken him longer to start losing his baby-face; it had happened eventually and now he had to keep his hood up or half the girls and guys in class got distracted by his looks (hell fucking yes). But this one, for some reason, this one really rankled. He didn’t want to examine why, but he knew. He knew very fucking well why he was so ticked.
The last few years, when everyone else was going through their changes first, he and Butters had been keeping each other company at the back of the line. One time (when they thought Kenny was passed out at a sleepover) he’d overheard Stan and Kyle engaging in speculation about why Kenny and Butters were the ones consistently falling behind. It had pissed him off to no fucking end; mostly because their ideas sounded completely plausible. Stan and Kyle figured that Kenny wasn’t growing as fast because he never got enough to eat (and what he did get was shitty for him) and that Butters literally just stressed out so bad that his body wasn’t developing comfortably past the anxiety. Well, that, and Butters’ parents didn’t let him do a lot of physical extra-curriculars.
Kenny felt really bad about Butters’ problems- they were close enough these days that Butters actually opened up to him about how bad it was at home. The last year or so, Kenny almost wished he could fix Butters’ life more than he wished he could fix his own. The only thing was (and he was not proud of this) when it came to the growing thing? It had been sincerely comforting to at least have someone else in the same shitty-ass boat that Kenny was currently navigating through puberty. And now he was gonna have to sail on all fucking alone.
Oh god. Given a second glance, Butters looked like he’d grown more than a FOOT over the summer. Five foot something. How the hell was four foot nothing Kenny supposed to compete with that? Not, Kenny thought wryly, that it’s ever really been a competition.
Butters had been nothing but supportive and encouraging every time they’d gotten left behind at some maturation milestone. Feeling less optimistic, but appreciative of the effort, Kenny had tried to reciprocate Butters’ sentiment as kindly as possible. Very kindly, actually. Very, very, very kindly.
Kenny groaned a little. That was the other thing that really bothered him about this situation- what if Butters’ literal new perspective in life meant didn’t want Kenny anymore? After how things had been going last year, Kenny kind of figured he and Butters had slid their close friendship over into something like the “involved” region. The thing was, they’d never really gotten the chance to discuss any of it before summer started, and then Butters was gone. Kenny didn’t want to assume things.
Like, yeah, they were close, but that didn’t automatically mean they’d stay attracted to each other. It didn’t necessarily mean that Butters wanted to continue what they started last June. Kenny sighed miserably. Dammit. It had already taken them years to make a move the first time-
Thanks to Butters tutoring him for math and Kenny sticking up for Butters against bullies, the two of them had already been drifting towards each other by fifth grade. Through the years since, they’d discovered that they had a shared affinity for singing, dancing, cooking and people of both genders with sweet, sweet asses. But then last year, all through ninth grade, it had felt like their shared puberty problems had been bringing them even closer together- it had started to feel like even more than their usual close friendship.
Kenny was not at all adverse to the idea of something serious happening between him and Butters- the guy was sweet, pretty, and smart. He was also, (to Kenny’s intense appreciation and amusement) just as perverted as he was. Oh, Butters was still naïve about a lot of stuff, but what he lacked in knowledge he easily made up for in endless curiosity and a desire to experiment.
Their interest and awareness about sexual stuff was pretty much the only way that the two of them had been ahead of all their classmates during this puberty bullshit. In point of fact, Kenny and Butters had been in the midst of a memorable discussion about “hands on” experience with kissing and sex, just a few days before the end of last school year.
This particular talk was more memorable than others, chiefly because midway through, things had turned away from discussion and more toward what you might call demonstration. The two of them had been skipping out on study hall to hang out in a little-used back hallway where there weren’t many classrooms. Kenny had been talking about some of the girls and guys he’d kissed over the years. When Butters tried to reply he’d actually stopped mid-word to stare at Kenny’s mouth while a blush turned his cheeks and ears bright pink. Well- Kenny was no idiot- nearly anyone could read a signal that obvious.
They ended up making out in the shitty little closet where the janitor crammed all his mops and rags, and even now Kenny gets a little turned on by the smell of chemical floor cleaner. (Thankfully for Kenny’s libido, that smell usually dissipated off the floors by the time everybody’s buses rolled up to school in the morning.) He’d never forget that first kiss, though.
Butters was shivering and looking up at Kenny under his lashes, biting his bottom lip and bumping his fists together; asking without words for Kenny to take the step he didn’t think he could. Kenny, leaning back against the wall, just waited. He wanted to know for sure that Butters wanted this, wanted Kenny, enough to actually do something about it. A few seconds stretched by, slow, sweet, and thick as honey, until finally Butters couldn’t take it anymore. He launched himself upward towards Kenny’s grinning mouth and latched on like Kenny was hiding the secrets to life behind his teeth.
Their kisses were hot and inexperienced and messy as hell and Kenny’d never had better in his whole friggin’ life. Kenny was already holding Butters around the waist, but then Butters’ arms twined up around his neck as though to anchor them even closer together and it sent happy shivers down Kenny’s spine. When Butters came up for air, he rested his head on Kenny’s chest and made all these blissful little sighing noises.
If he hadn’t been breathless himself, Kenny would have been giggling in joyful, hysterical relief. Almost everyone else in their grade was still dancing around this stuff uncertainly, but in this area, this one area, Kenny and Butters had pulled ahead. It had been perfect.
And, Kenny thought now while pursing his lips irritably, at the time I WAS THE TALLER ONE. He crossed his arms over his chest as though it could ease the aching behind his sternum. I was the stronger one too- physically anyway.
So now Kenny felt uncertain. What if wasn’t just their shared interests and troubles that had attracted Butters? What if wasn’t just Kenny’s pretty face? What if Butters had liked that Kenny was his taller, stronger almost-boyfriend? (Or just make-out partner? Whatever the hell Butters considered them.)
Shit, what if Kenny himself felt bad, being the shorter one?
Kenny looked across the lawn again. There was only way to know for sure- but that involved actually standing near Butters and asking. So, nope. No. Nuh-uh. Kenny was just fine over here on the steps, thanks.
The main issue with this plan is that you can’t stare at someone for a long time without attracting their attention; Kenny had only averted his gaze for what felt like a moment, to sit down, and suddenly there was a spiky-haired, backpack-wearing shadow falling over him. And that shadow was taller than usual. Gadammit.
“Ken? H-hi! How was your summer?”
Kenny sighed. “Boring as fuck and hot as hell.”
He’d spent most of his summer trying to sneak into local pools and crashing out on Kyle or Stan’s floor for sleepovers to avoid the unusually oppressive heat. (He tastefully chose not to comment on their sleeping arrangements, which were exactly the same as when they were kids, and always right together.) The day those two finally figured out they were in love he was going to commemorate the event by finding the money to buy a damn ice cream cake. There might also be streamers.
He’d also spent the last few months low-key avoiding Cartman. He felt only mildly bad about this. Even before summer Cartman had been bitching about them not spending enough time together. (The bitching was, of course, done indirectly and hidden behind bizarre "plans" because Important Eric Cartman didn’t need people, thanks.) But every time they had hung out, Kenny was reminded why he didn’t really do that anymore.
There was something shitty about a “friend” who spent the majority of their time eating in front of you while your stomach growled and rubbing your nose in everything you didn’t have. Like, Kenny was sure to get some shit from Cartman today because Kenny’s old backpack had finally disintegrated beyond repair, and his family couldn’t buy a new one yet. Kenny didn’t have a damn thing with him but a pen in his back pocket, and would have to spend awhile borrowing things like paper from his friends and the classrooms.
Beyond that, thanks to the kind of schemes Cartman enjoyed, Kenny had noticed his death numbers went up when they hung out. Maybe nine year old Kenny who thought Cartman’s bullshit was funny wouldn’t mind so much, but 14 or 15 year old Kenny was through fuckin’ dying for that kid. He had other friends, better friends; people that actually gave a genuine shit about him and his happiness. Speaking of…
Kenny eyed Butters carefully, watching his face for a lie or a jump of discomfort as he asked in return, “How was your summer? I’ve heard some…things.”
Butters frowned and shifted from foot to foot for a moment before turning abruptly and dropping to sit right beside Kenny. “Well! I d-don’t know how everyone heard so quick and all, but my summer was just a-awful, Ken. I missed ya so much.” He reached a hand out to capture Kenny’s and twine their fingers together. “But don’t you feel bad, alright, because I k-know you weren’t the one who t-tattled on me to Mom and Dad.”
Now Kenny was frowning. “Tattled? Dude,” he raised an eyebrow at Butters. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Butters’ eyes got wide and he froze like a rabbit facing down a Big Rig on the highway. “N-Nothin’! It’s n-not important, Ken.”
Kenny’s eyes narrowed. “Like hell it’s not.” He frowned in concern and his mind rushed through all the random schemes that Butters’ shithead parents might have heard about if someone felt like telling them. Even though he and Butters had sort of drifted off into their own separate best friend group, they were still good friends with Kyle’s group and Craig’s group (and again, for some reason, on speaking terms with Cartman). Correspondingly, Kenny and Butters got pulled into a lot of shit those guys planned. It didn’t always end well for them.
“Did someone tell them about the underground snail racing ring? Or the plan to rid the world of clowns?” Kenny’s eyes widened and his breath caught. “Did someone let slip about that night we knocked out the power in Denver?”
Butters let out a nervous giggle and shook his head. “N-nah, I-I think they’da had me sent to actual juvenile hall if they knew about that, Ken.”
Kenny breathed out in relief and licked his lips. That one had nothing to do with the other guys. The night they screwed up Denver’s power had been the result of an epic Mysterion vs. Professor Chaos battle, and by the end of it both of them had barely escaped capture by the cops. They’d stumbled back home after stopping off for fast food; Butters insisted on treating Kenny since the superhero had needed to save Butters from one of his own plans gone wrong.
But if that wasn’t what the Stotches had heard about… “Well, then what did someone tell them?” Kenny scowled. “What HUGE thing did you supposedly do that merited being sent off to work yourself sick in the heat instead of just the usual grounding?” Realizing he was beginning to sound harsh, he gentled his tone and squeezed Butters’ hand. “Did they tell you this time?” he asked, tilting his head sympathetically.
Sometimes Butters’ shitty parents deemed it unnecessary to explain to their son why he was being punished, merely informing him that they “knew what he’d done” and that he “was in big trouble, mister!” Sometimes, Kenny seriously wanted to slash their car’s fucking tires and piss on the windshield- except they’d definitely find a way to blame Butters. UGH.
Kenny refocused his eyes to look at Butters, feeling thrown for a second by having to look up. (Sigh) He was startled to see a blush painted over Butters’ nose and cheeks. A blush? Whatever they found out can’t have been that bad. Especially since Butters knows how to wipe his browsing history. Kenny’s eyebrows drew together quizzically. “Well? Did they tell you?”
When Butters didn’t answer right away, Kenny’s eyes drifted down and saw that (besides being more muscular and toned than he remembered what the HELL) Butters’ arm was tensed up. Kenny’s eyes followed the line of his friend’s arm; Butters’ other hand was clenched in the material of his pants, and Kenny realized that he was resisting the urge to rub his fists together. What had they done to him at that place?
“W-well. Ken. I-I…um. T-they. They s-said-” Butters’ teeth were worrying away at the inside of his lower lip and his chest was making these little twitching movements, like he was trying to punch the words out of his lungs. He was blinking a lot too. Kenny watched him for a moment, feeling deeply disturbed, and then realized that the stress of speaking where they might be overheard was making an explanation impossible for Butters.
“Hey.” Butters’ eyes met Kenny’s again briefly before rolling away with discomfort “HEY, Buttercup, it’s okay.” Trying to project compassion into his voice and posture, Kenny reached up (SIGH) a little to rest a hand beside the backpack strap on Butters’ newly-broad shoulder. “What do ya say we go somewhere less loud to discuss it? Okay?”
Butters’ eyes met his swiftly, and he nodded fervently through his shaking. Kenny stood first, then took Butters by the hand and tugged softly- and then Butters was standing too, right beside him. Oof. Kenny stared up at him and took a minute to absorb his bizarre new reality. Well. This was fun.
Kenny shook his head. He didn’t really have time for pouting about this right now. He turned, pulling Butters behind him for a moment, before letting go of his hand to attract less attention. South Park was still fairly conservative and in the town’s eyes the two of them were too old to get away with platonic hand-holding; not that Kenny gave any shits. Frankly, after growing up a McCormick, he was so far past caring about public opinion of his behavior that it barely registered.
The problem was that if anyone bullied Butters over stuff like that, they’d both feel bad about it; and also word of it might get to the Stotches. A fear of Butters’ parents discovering their son’s new relationship with Kenny was one of the main reasons they’d both agreed to be so careful when they started messing around back in June. Kenny got a chill just thinking of those people. Kenny’s own parents were no prize, but he at least understood them. Stepping into the Stotch residence was like falling down a whole different rabbit hole of unreasonable behavior.
Kenny kept glancing back at Butters as they walked, repeatedly bewildered by the height of him, and tried to appraise beyond the obvious. His mind ticked over a list of characteristics, cataloging and comparing the changes to the boy he’d kissed goodbye on the last day of school. Finding it difficult to concentrate, he decided to get his own feelings on the matter out of the way first.
Kenny was relieved to discover that (for his own side of their attraction anyway) Butters’ new height wasn’t actually a problem. Even after only a few minutes to adjust to Butters’ stature up close, Kenny was already feeling his panic ease away. Walking with Butters down the familiar halls from last year, Kenny began to feel less inadequate, and honestly began to enjoy the look of his big, strong, possibly-boyfriend. It made his own shortness feel kind of …cute. His mind nonsensically flashed back to when he spent more time as a Princess, and Butters had been his Paladin.
But as Kenny continued his silent assessment of Butters, he also started detecting changes that sat ill in his growling guts- the kind of worrisome changes that churned up nervous acid in his hungry stomach that already had nothing to burn. It felt like for every bit of growth, Butters had also paid some sort of horrible cost. Like, Butters was less soft-looking in the face and around the middle, and it would almost have suited him- if it weren’t for the nearly too-thin look of his cheeks. Kenny resolved to get some burgers into this kid, stat. He’d steal from the caf if he had to.
Kenny looked back again as they rounded a corner in the hallway. What else was different? The guy was tanner, sure; but there were also darker, deeper shadows under his eyes. The circles were Tweek-worthy for fuck’s sake. And yeah, it was clear that the added height had lengthened Butters’ gait, but Kenny noticed that when the lockers banged around them, Butters had this sort of restrained flinch in his posture. What the hell kind of place had Butters’ parents sent him?
Kenny’s eyes swept the area quickly when they reached the custodian’s closet in the back hallway. Administration had been cracking down on “student truancy and sexual activity” lately, and evading notice was probably going to be a bitch this year. Thankfully, there wasn’t anyone in this part of the school yet. He fiddled open the lock, and then swung around quickly and urged Butters into the tiny, darkened room. He shut the door firmly behind them. There was one of those crappy low-light lamps over the utility sink, so Kenny slipped over and tugged the cord to turn it on instead of risking attention by using the brighter ceiling lights.
Finally satisfied with the venue, Kenny turned around to face Butters, and his sick stomach shifted into overdrive. Butters had set down his backpack, but was staring at the floor and still clenching his hands against his own shirt ends. Now, typically, if Butters found any conversation this difficult he’d be bouncing on his heels and fidgeting by now- but his hands were tight by his sides, and his stance was still enough to mimic marble. Even his face seemed blank. It was hella disconcerting, actually. Kenny leaned in and looked up at his eyes, and was relieved that Butters (while wary) at least seemed aware.
Kenny gestured over to the school’s riding floor-scrubber. “Hey, Buttercup? Do you want to sit down with me?” Butters nodded swiftly. He climbed up, sat down, and then looked expectantly over at Kenny.
Kenny was now faced with a dilemma; Butters had grown so much that they couldn’t easily sit side-by-side on the scrubber’s cracked vinyl seat anymore, but if he stood that might make Butters feel weird. The guy was already clearly having trouble with this topic, and Kenny didn’t want to make it more difficult.
He finally settled for very cautiously clambering up onto the scrubber’s dashboard to sit, and holding onto the steering wheel for extra stability. Kenny waited a moment, till he was sure there wasn’t going to be some sort of horrible freak accident where the machine turned itself on, and then raised his eyes to his friend. “Okay, Butters, you want to tell me what happened now?”
Butters’ body jerked again like in the hallway, and his eyes stayed trained on the floor. His jaw twitched a little. After another moment of that terrifying stillness, though, he let out a long, shuddering breath. “W-we’re really all alone here, r-right Ken?”
Out of deference to Butters’ concern, Kenny used his higher vantage point to sweep his eyes around the corners and shelving in the tiny closet. His eyes came back to rest on Butters. “We’re good” he murmured.
He kept his voice soft but a little gruff; he’d discovered years ago that most people (and Butters in particular) responded well to just a hint of Kenny’s Mysterion voice. Butters hadn’t seemed to notice, but it had some manner of soothing effect on him. Given some of their past conversations, Kenny suspected this reaction was because Butters felt safer when there was someone he could rely on to pull him back from doing anything “too bad”.
Kenny knew exactly where Butters got those kind of ideas about his own worth and morality, and thinking about it only heightened his desire to do something to the Stotches’ car. But again, they’d probably blame Butters, so he kept his keys and knives and pee to himself. “Nobody here but us,” he added, gently, in the same voice.
Butters shivered a little and leaned forward to carefully kiss Kenny’s cheek, and then settled back and rested his fists together in his lap. There was silence again for a moment. Kenny tried to ignore the pleasant tingling where Butters’ lips had pressed, in order to focus on the guy’s face, which was still looking mostly at the floor.
“S-sorry it’s taking me so gosh-darned long to answer ya, Ken. It’s j-just I feel like this is the f-first chance I’ve had to breathe all summer.” Kenny was suddenly glad of the closet’s relative darkness because he was sure his face was twisted up and pale over Butters’ tone. The guy was shaking.
Shit, SHIT. Kenny aimed his voice for calm and casual this time. “Butters? Babe? Do you want me to sit closer, or am I already too close?”
Butters’ head tilted up swiftly and oh God. The way he was looking at Kenny chilled him to his splintered immortal bones; it was like Butters was a man dying of thirst and the only way to water was guarded by wild animals. Kenny thought his heart might break. He jumped over the space between them and straddled Butters’ lap.
Steadying himself against Butters’ shoulder with his left hand, Kenny used his right to tilt the guy’s face up more so he could rain kisses all over his cheeks. He only stopped when he felt his mouth connecting with hair instead of skin. Butters was pressing his face against Kenny’s chest, clutching at handfuls of his shirt and breathing in short, trembling gasps.
“Oh, babe. I got you, Butters. It’s okay, Beautiful, it’s okay now.” Kenny squeezed Butters carefully close, letting him have the moment. Butters’ arms slipped out from between them to circle around Kenny’s back, but he kept his face buried in Kenny’s shirt. Kenny could hear barely suppressed sniffles.
Butters’ shoulders shook for a little longer, but Kenny rested his arms around them and his cheek against Butters’ hair. Kenny brought one hand up, stroking through all the wild blond fluff on top and along the buzzed parts, determined to continue petting Butters until the shivering stopped entirely.
“Hey, hey now. It’s okay. I’m here, babe. I’m here.” There was a low, throaty sound against Kenny’s shirt in response to that, then a minute or two of no noises at all but breathing. Finally, Butters rubbed his face against Kenny’s shoulder a little, and then leaned back and looked up at him.
“I sure did miss you, Ken.” Despite the heaviness of the room, Kenny grinned at him softly.
“I noticed, babe.” He hugged Butters tight for a second. “I missed you too,” he said softly, a sudden tightness messing with his voice. He leaned back, but resumed stroking Butters’ hair. “Can you tell me what happened?”
Butters bit his lip, but nodded. “It was right as soon as I got home from school for vacation.” He paused and his mouth worked like he was getting ready to literally spit the words past his lips. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough, low, and grave.
“S-Somebody told on us, Ken.” His looked desperate for Kenny to understand his fear and fury. “Someone at this stinkin’ school found out we’ve been k-kissin’ and t-told my Dad. And I swear if I ever find out who it was, I’m gonna-”
Kenny was the one shaking now. “Ohhh, oh God this is bad, this- oh shit.” He tried, unsuccessfully, to steady the hands he still had in Butters’ hair but finally had to give up and move them down to his lap. “What, uh, what did they-? When they found out we’re-?”
Butters chin was still set stubbornly but on closer inspection Kenny saw his eyes were wet. “W-well they don’t know it’s you, actually. S-Somehow, somebody found out I was kissin’ a boy, b-but I guess they didn’t know which one, cause it never came up.” Butters jaw jutted out and his mouth scrunched up tight.
“And you trust me, fella, it would have.” Kenny couldn’t help the shudder that rolled through him thinking of what Butters’ parents were capable of, and the danger they posed to their son.
Butters looked at him pleadingly. “They started off acting like everything was normal! They let me put away my schoolbooks, Ken.” There was a hard, angry look mixed in with Butters’ tears now. “They let me put away the friggin’ dishes, I remember.” He looked down and shook his head.
“And then, just when I was getting ready to leave the house and go see what you the fellas wanted to do to celebrate the beginnin’ of summer, they caught me at the door. Called me back into the kitchen. I-”
Butters’ voice turned haunted, wistful “I-If I’d known it was gonna be something so serious I woulda run out that door and pretended I didn’t hear anything.” He sniffed a little. “I had l-lotsa time to think about it later, a-and I thought it was an awful lot like when Harry Potter gets all those letters from his fireplace, you know, in the movie? A-and everybody watching it at home yells and yells at him to just grab one and get far away, cause he’s so close to freedom?"
"B-but the thing is,” he finally met Kenny’s eyes again, “real life ain’t like that, Ken. It’s just not. R-right there in the moment they didn’t sound any angrier than they do any other time they’re yellin’ or fixin’ to ground me.” Butters licked his lips.
“S-So I went back in, and f-figured I’d save myself from getting in more trouble for leaving without permission.” Kenny leaned in and shakily hugged Butters for a moment, and then leaned back in his lap and took one of his hands, trying desperately to offer some comfort.
“I wish I knew h-how they found out.” Butters’ eyes were earnest and beseeching, nearly begging Kenny to understand the gravity of his words. “Someone we know can’t be trusted, Ken.” He shivered. “They didn’t tell me who told ‘em. But they sure told me a lot else.” Butters’ eyes went miles away again, focused on a point somewhere over Kenny’s shoulder.
“Like that I was provin’ them right about what a-a weak-willed, evil child I am. Like that I’m goin’ to hell if I don’t learn to be…be something or other. I-I don’t remember it all now cause they went on for so long, Ken, and I was so s-scared but it all started to blur together. W-when Dad finally finished yellin’ and Mom stopped cryin’ they went into the living room for a minute, and I-I just sorta sat there all petrified.”
He looked at Kenny, sadly. “They didn’t even give me a chance to deny anythin’, Ken. They just kept on with it and then left the room. They wouldn’t let me talk when they came back, either.”
Kenny was so angry and retroactively shaken on Butters’ behalf that he was sure it felt like he was vibrating, but Butters merely lifted Kenny’s hand up to his mouth and kissed it. “I know, buddy,” Butters said soothingly, pressing the words against Kenny’s knuckles. He brought the hand back down to their laps, holding it tight.
“I know. I’m not gonna pretend it wasn’t bad, because it was h-horrible, but don’t you dare think that changes anything between us. Alright? Being your friend has taught me a lot, Ken, a-and bein’ all close with ya has taught me a lot too.”
Butters’ chin got that stubborn set again and now his determination was practically a visible aura. “I’m not evil. Not for this. Not cause of any of the things I feel about you. When you k-kiss me? It feels like I understand why I was born. You make me feel warm and happy and safe and none of that is weak or bad. And it doesn’t make us weak or bad, n-neither. And if Mom and Dad c-can’t understand that-”
He brought Kenny’s hand up again and rubbed his cheek against it a little “-t-then they’re not just idiots, they’re the bad ones. And after what they’ve done themselves, just to each other, never-mind to me, let me tell you Ken, they’ve got some fuckin’ nerve dictatin’ anybody else’s morality.”
A shocked laugh jerked out of Kenny’s lungs and his other hand came up to clap over his mouth. “I’m sorry! I-”
Butters’ mouth was twisted up, but to Kenny’s immense relief, his eyes were mirthful. “That’s okay, Ken. I wanted ya to laugh at that.” He rolled his eyes, a resigned look on his face, “I figured out a long time ago that with the very worst things, the ones ya don’t have any control over? You gotta either ignore ‘em, or find a way to laugh until you got some power to do something about it. And today was the first day I could do something about it since they sent me away.”
Butters slid the hand that wasn’t already holding Kenny’s over to Kenny’s hip and rubbed up and down it gently. He wasn’t having any trouble meeting Kenny’s gaze now. Kenny sighed and leaned forward to rest their foreheads together. They enjoyed the peace for a moment, breathing in the stillness, and then both drew back enough to look each other in the eye.
“So…” Kenny hesitated “so what happened, then?”
Butters sighed. “Well. When they came back from the living room, they had a little backpack with them and they ordered me out to the car. I didn’t even have time to make a phone call, otherwise I woulda tried to tell you something was happening. They haven’t let me make one since I got back 2 weeks ago, either.”
Kenny felt apprehensive. “And your cell phone?”
“Smashed.” said Butters sadly. “But” and he flashed a mischievous look at Kenny “that’s probably a lot better than if they saw some of the texts you probably would have tried to send me, huh?”
Kenny grinned sheepishly. “Guilty. But to be fair, I was worried about you all summer, and bored. And horny.” Butters nodded in acknowledgement.
“Sounds about right.” He leaned forward and kissed the tip of Kenny’s nose.
“But, the long and short of it was, that they thought what I needed was to get really toughened up. They said that since religion didn’t work when I was just a bi-curious k-kid, then nothing short of a good long summer of hard work would be able to fix me now. They said the folks running the place mostly get ‘delinquents’ and ‘hopeless cases’ there.” Butters’ eyes got dark, and Kenny saw a little of Chaos in him at that moment.
“I had a bad feeling about the place from how they were talkin’ about it. But they’re so deluded and ass-backwards that usually the w-worst things they do don’t sound so bad when they’re talkin’ about ‘em, s-so I thought it might not be too awful. You know? Like opposites? I figured m-maybe it would be a lot of bluster since they was talkin’ it up so much.” He shook his head.
“By the time we pulled up to the camp I knew it was gonna be real bad, but by then it was too late to try and get away. I tried anyway, but the people who run that place are used to that.” Kenny’s hand tightened around Butters’ compulsively, and Butters returned the squeeze quickly before continuing.
“It was a h-hellhole in the middle of nowhere, Ken. My p-parents said I’d being doing work there, but half the things we did every day just d-didn’t make any sense. There was no work that made sense to me anyway. It felt there was just no use to anything we were d-doin’ at all! Most of the time after we finished something they’d just m-mess it all up and just tell us to do it again! They didn’t like it when ya asked questions, and they didn’t like it if you s-showed you were upset, and if you did anything they thought was ‘weird’ they’d punish ya. They didn’t like me much, I’ll tell ya that for nothin’.”
Butters shrugged miserably. “There were no trees out there either, Ken. Nowhere to be alone and cry- not even anywhere for a fella to get a minute to himself and just take a deep breath.” Butters’ lips were trembling a little now, so Kenny caught his attention and mimed breathing.
“You can breathe here, though, okay? Can you do that for me?” Butters nodded, looking into Kenny’s eyes, and took in a few full breaths. When he finally seemed to be regulating his own air, Kenny thought it might be safe to go on. “What sort of stuff did they have you doing, if you don’t mind telling me?”
“All sorts of nonsense, Ken! A-and like I said, then they’d undo it all anyway! L-Like they had us dig some trenches? B-but then they said the work was no good and f-filled ‘em in. Or they’d have us rub down all the sand and dirt off their jeep, and then bring it back even dirtier a half hour later. We got real tired doing all the work, b-but every time something like that happened it was actually worse- me and the other fellas just felt real hopeless.”
Kenny’s insides were sick again. This shithole sounded like a place designed to break spirits, not to reform or teach anything. He could tell Butters was going to be feeling the effects of the last few months for a long, long time. He made some sympathetic noises and leaned in to hold Butters tight. Then something else occurred to him and he leaned back again, searching Butters’ eyes. “Hey, wait, how about food and sleep?”
Butters’ mouth drew into a tight little frown. “T-they fed us, but not very much, a-and it was at all strange times, too, Ken. And we didn’t usually get to sleep through the night either. T-they’d make us w-wake up and take random hikes around, then send us back to bed. I think it was supposed to stop us from bein’ able to think too hard or plan to g-get away. I-I’m gettin’ a little sleepy just thinkin’ about it, honestly.”
“Oh my god, Butters, what the FUCK? This place sounds fucking illegal as hell. How the hell do they get away with this shit??”
Butters shook his head. “I don’t know, Ken. I-I couldn’t even ask the other fellas about it cause they didn’t let us talk to each other. We kids were never a-alone. They didn’t use our real names either, so I can’t even f-find out if those other guys are still there or back home somewhere now…” Butters sounded close to tears again.
Kenny was so appalled he couldn’t speak, so he just grabbed Butters close and held him tight. He was shaking when he finally spoke again “Buttercup, how did you survive? I’m not saying you aren’t strong, but dude, that place sounds like it was designed by fucking evil itself.”
Butters hugged Kenny back tightly, and if the noises by Kenny’s ear were anything to judge by, Butters seemed to be taking especial pleasure in breathing in the smell of Kenny’s hair. He stayed quiet for a minute or two, just breathing like that and nuzzling against Kenny. When he finally spoke, the words came out soft, but steady. “I thought of you, Ken.”
“What?”
He could feel Butters’ little smile against his neck. “I t-thought about you.”
Kenny was glad he was already sitting down because he suddenly felt crazy lightheaded. “Butters, Beautiful, what do you mean?”
“Just what I said, buddy. I thought about you. I-I mean-” he shrugged “I knew I was in for a bad time, b-but I figured that didn’t mean I couldn’t get something good out of it despite those awful people. At first I thought that if I just worked real hard and got bigger and stronger, then that would be a good thing. I figured you wouldn’t have to worry about me getting b-bullied so much. I guess… I-I‘ve just always looked up to you so much for s-stickin’ up for me and comfortin’ me, and I just wanted to be able to do that for you too. S-So, I ate when they fed us, and worked when they told us, and slept when they let us, a-and I kept going."
"But soon-” he looked at Kenny fretfully “I d-didn’t feel so brave pretty soon, cause it just felt worse and scarier there all the time. So then I just thought about getting through every day a-and just makin’ it, so I could leave eventually and c-come on home to you.” He kissed Kenny’s hair and nuzzled behind his ear a little. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d have never survived this summer, Ken, not in a million, billion years.”
Kenny was precisely zero percent ashamed of the crying he was doing against Butters’ shirt right now. Jesus. And here he’d been worrying about this new, taller Butters not wanting him anymore. The reality was that this Butters, his boyfriend (because you just don’t say all that to someone you’re with casually, you just DON’T) so Butters, Kenny’s boyfriend, had become this taller, stronger person for Kenny. The fucking reality was that Butters’ new strength-his survival itself, was like this blade forged in a fire. And he said Kenny was why he’d survived the flames. Butters was patting and stroking Kenny’s back while he sobbed and soaked Butters’ shoulder.
“Aww. It’s okay little buddy, it’s o-okay now. I’m home all safe and sound, it’s gonna be j-just fine.” Butters turned his head to kiss Kenny gently on the cheek and kept murmuring similar soothing phrases against his skin.
Kenny began to feel a little ridiculous about it, and told Butters so in a wet voice- “You’re the one that spent the summer getting tortured, so how come I’M the one bawling like a kid and getting cuddled?” Butters giggled in response, and the noise was so light and cheery that Kenny stared at him in wonder.
“Aw Ken. You can’t think of it like that, buddy.” He squeezed Kenny tight for a moment, and then handed him a tissue to wipe up his face. He nodded in satisfaction as Kenny blew his nose loudly and chucked the paper at a basket in the corner.
“Why, if it was the other way around and it had happened to you-” Butters paused mid-sentence with his mouth slack and his eyes turned inward. Then Kenny felt a deep, full-body shudder roll through his boyfriend and Butters’ mouth and eyes shut tight. He shook his head, going on “-w-well let’s just say I don’t even want to THINK about that, Ken.”
His eyes met Kenny’s again, a fierce brightness lighting his gaze from the inside. “But do you doubt for even a minute that I would be cryin’ and all broke up inside over it? No! Cause I-” Butters paused, and even in the dim light Kenny could see his throat muscles working. “Cause I love you, Kenny, and that’s part of what it means to love somebody. Y-you’re happy when they’re happy, and you’re sad when they’re hurt.”
Kenny was shivering so hard now that he felt his teeth jittering against his tongue, like he was just barely holding back all the truths trying to shake their way out from behind his lips. Love. It had been one thing to be thinking it and hoping it just in his own mind, but Butters had come right out and said it. Butters loved him.
Unable to bear any distance between them for a single second longer, Kenny leaned up a little, clenched both hands in Butters’ hair and pressed his lips to Butters’ urgently. Take them, he thought fiercely. Take all my secrets and all my fears and all my love and KNOW them, know that you’re the best thing in my whole life, know that I’ll burn down anything that tries to part us again, and know this, and know this, and KNOW THIS.
Butters squeaked in surprise, probably more because of Kenny’s fierceness than the kiss itself. (That sort of thing happens, after all, when you tell a person you love them). After about ten brain-blank seconds though, Butters adjusted accordingly, and he met Kenny’s tongue with eager touches of his own. Butters’ hands started to roam in broad strokes over Kenny’s neck and back and down to rub over his back end.
Kenny moaned a little into the kiss and that seemed to be the final straw for Butters. His lips vibrated against Kenny’s with a strangled little whine and then he was standing. While lifting Kenny. Kenny broke the kiss to gasp, and his legs reflexively wrapped around Butters’ hips. NEW. That was new. “Butters, wha-”
Wordless and panting, Butters took two steps off the scrubber and whirled so Kenny was pressed firmly between the hard line of Butters’ body and the closet wall- then immediately leaned in and set to kissing Kenny breathless again. Butters’ grip on him was firm but careful, and the whole maneuver was handled with a mixed air of hunger and near-reverence for Kenny’s person that he found unspeakably attractive.
Oh, oh GOD, I could get very, very used to this. His mind flashed back again, inexplicably, to their games in childhood where Kenny was important, precious, royal; and Butters, his, brave, and loyal. Butters was holding him up to the wall easily, his kisses were growing more passionate, and his hands more bold.
Kenny moaned expressively, his mind flailing from lust and unable to fully process the position he found himself in. Which, to reiterate, was pressed up against a wall by his tall hot boyfriend. The same boyfriend who’d just explicitly given Kenny his love. Kenny whimpered, caught between being very, very pleased by this, and feeling a lot like he was forgetting something important.
What that something could possibly be, Kenny had no conception, so he mostly ignored that for the next minute or two. He and Butters seemed to finally be in a competition after all; though, when the objective of a contest seemed to be “who could turn their boyfriend on more”, Kenny pretty much figured everybody was a winner. It finally came to him a moment later, while he was trying to draw breath with his head lolled back against the wall - he’d never actually said it back. “Butters?”
Butters, it seemed, was still too absorbed with mouthing Kenny’s neck like a starving man to properly hear him, so Kenny had to whap his shoulder a little to get his attention. “BUTTERS” he tried again, still breathing hard. “BABE.”
Butters’ head whipped up; his eyes were wide and attentive, but the hand not under Kenny’s butt was still rubbing up and down Kenny’s side, and he was breathless. “Mhm~?” hummed Butters, and though his gaze stayed innocent, the hand on Kenny’s ass squeezed a little.
Kenny busted out laughing. “Oh my God, knock it off, I’m trying to tell you something, you maniac.” He eyed Butters and couldn’t help dropping a swift kiss on his nose, adding fondly “My maniac.”
Butters grinned so wide and shameless that for a moment Kenny could see the kid he knew in elementary school peeking out through the crinkled up eyes and shiny teeth. Feeling sappy in the best possible way, Kenny went on, “I just wanted to tell you that I love you too, Butters.” Butters’ mouth fell open into an ‘o’ shape and his eyes got wild and wide.
“Oh, Ken.” He whispered, awed. “I-I mean, I thought, I hoped, b-but! Y-you really mean it, don’t ya?” The happy little shivers shaking Butters’ body vibrated against Kenny. Kenny grinned.
“Every word, Babe.” Somewhere in the midst of making out, his hands had ended up on Butters’ shoulders, and he slid them up now to cup Butters’ face. “You’re stuck with me for good, Buttercup.”
Butters beamed so happily Kenny could have sworn the closet had just gotten brighter. There were bells ringing fer fuck’s sake. Wait. Bells. Ah, shit. “Annnd much as I’d love to skip class to drive you out of your skull in this closet, if you don’t show up, you’ll definitely be in the shit tonight.”
Butters pouted a little, and groaned, letting his forehead fall against Kenny’s shoulder. “Ugh. I don’t want to go to class. I don’t ever want to take my hands off ya again.”
Kenny grinned, biting his lip. Weeell... NO, no, he had to be tough about this for both of them. He combed his fingers through Butters’ hair a little “I know, Beautiful, I know. But we have to keep up appearances.” He frowned. “For one thing, we still don’t know which asshole snitched to your parents.”
Frankly, despite being one of the nicest kids in their grade, Butters had a surprising number of enemies. There were kids who didn’t like him for being smart, kids who didn’t like him for naïve, even kids who didn’t like him for being nice. And that was only some of the suspects- there were also adults who clearly didn’t like him, but for no clear reason. Kenny thought that maybe it was someone who hated him, but then why would they keep his name out of it when they informed the Stotches?
It didn’t make any fucking sense, honestly.
Butters sighed. “Y-yeah, I suppose we’ve been in here a long time, now, and homeroom will be starting soon.” He pressed one more sweet little kiss to Kenny’s lips, and then slowly lowered him back to his feet.
Kenny hugged him, pressing his face to Butters’ shoulder, and said firmly, “We’re gonna figure out who did this, Butters. I promise you.” He looked up at him. “I know that it’s going to be hard for us until we fix this, but this problem is not going to be forever, ok?”
Butters’ arms were still wrapped around Kenny’s back, and he nodded at him with a look of such faith on his face that Kenny fell a little more in love than ever. “I-I know that, Ken. We’ll fix this.” He beamed. “We’ve g-got each other now, and I-I’m back here with you. I feel like there’s nothing we can’t do.”
They disentangled, but crept to the custodian’s door still holding hands. Butters picked up and dangled his backpack off one hand uncertainly. Kenny peeked out and didn’t see anyone nearby, so he tugged Butters out behind him, and they finally, reluctantly released each others' hand. Kenny re-locked the door, and they set off towards homeroom.
As they walked, Kenny tried to get his reeling mind under control. This was all a lot to process before classes even started for the day. He glanced up behind him at Butters. Butters- scarred, scared, and still living with the Stotches- check. Kenny sighed.
They turned a corner, and the noises of the school were louder here, other delinquents making a last minute effort to slide into their classrooms. Kenny looked at Butters again. But he’s here, isn’t he? He’s here, and as long as he is, we have a chance to make things better. Sensing his gaze, Butters looked down at him and smiled shyly. There was a little secret in that smile, and Kenny felt weak-kneed. He’s still here, he still wants me, and he’s as safe as we can make him, for now.
Kenny thought about it as they neared their classroom. And it’s okay that I’m not as tall as he is yet. He didn’t feel as diminished by that as he might have before. It helped that Butters clearly didn’t think less of him, but part of it was just a decision Kenny had come to with himself over it. Maybe…maybe I’ll never really catch up to him about some stuff. But, hey, maybe that was alright.
They were almost at the door now, and Kenny snuck one last good look at Butters before they went in- Butters was still smiling down at him right up till they were about to enter the room. He paused then, looking uncertainly at the entrance- maybe feeling a little scared about facing all their classmates again. Kenny glanced around quick and then snuck a hand out to squeeze his hand briefly. Butters giggled nervously, but opened the door and went into class. Kenny waited outside for a moment, watching him go find his seat.
Yeah. Maybe he’d never really catch up to Butters about some stuff- but about everything that mattered, they were on the same page. Every change that mattered, they made together- one way or another. He thought back to the closet a few minutes ago, and Butters’ voice echoed in his ears, “I feel like there’s nothing we can’t do.” Kenny smiled, watching from the door as Butters fiddled with his backpack and greeted their classmates. He waited till he was just about to be tardy, and then walked into class.