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I stared up at the white sheet making up the ceiling of the blanket fort. The only sounds were the crickets outside along with Kel's soft breathing, and if I listened closely enough, Sunny's. I couldn't fall asleep for some reason, so my thoughts drifted to Mari, as they always do.
Ever since Mari's death, I'd felt like I'd been drowning. Pulled down and suffocated by the arms of contradicting feelings I couldn't even begin to control, or even fully understand. Fury wrapped its fiery arm around my torso, regret gripped my heart, guilt kept a firm and unpitying grasp on my throat. All pulling me further and further away from any form of stability. My thoughts were jumbled with unanswered questions—Why did she do it? Why would she leave me? God—no, it's my fault, I should've been there for her… But there were no signs, were there? Or was I just too pathetic and careless to notice them?
I'd spent a few years that way, tossing desperately backwards and forwards, wondering all these things but still trying to distract myself with school. Feeling like I was dying but wanting to still be there for Kel who deserved a reliable brother, for my parents who had such high hopes for me.
I should've known better. But of course it wasn't long before I cracked.
I don't remember exactly what Kel was talking about that night. Something about how I hadn't been eating recently. But then he brought up Mari, telling me this wasn't what she would've wanted, and all at once the arms tightened and all I saw was red.
The image of Kel's tear-stained face afterwards is something I don't think I'll ever get out of my mind. And that's when I realized just how right he'd been.
Mari wouldn't want me to be this way. The real Mari wasn't the cruel ghost in my nightmares telling me what I should've done, the girl I'd convinced myself she was, who'd caused me to act this way. She wouldn't have wanted any of this, even if she was hiding her own struggles. I needed to move on. Or at least try.
After that, the burden became gradually lighter as the arms loosened and I swam closer to the surface. I stopped isolating myself and studying so much. I started eating again, and thinking of the future. Things were still delicate, though—the mention of Mari still gave me a pit in my stomach, and I couldn't find it in me to cook anymore. Still, I was improving. Even at college, away from home, I started going to events, going on morning runs, talking to people.
But it wasn't until this week that I really thought about the others and how they'd been coping. I guess I'd assumed they were fine in my self-centered naivete.
I turned my head to look at Kel in the darkness. As expected, he was fast asleep. A speck of drool hung from his open mouth.
Kel had always been the type to trudge through everything with an endless optimism I'm jealous of. He never talked much about Mari, but by the time I got to asking him about it he seemed to have adjusted pretty well. Sometimes I still notice that his smile looks a little forced, though. Maybe I should try again.
Like always, Aubrey was the opposite. She'd changed everything: her appearance, her behavior, even her friend group. Or at least, that was what she'd like us to think. Seeing her face after she realized that Basil was in genuine danger though… I knew it was just a façade. She still had the same thoughtful heart she did before, just a bit more shielded now. Still, it was obvious how much of an impact the news had on her.
As for Sunny… I turned to see him from outside the blanket fort. He was tossing and turning a bit, black hair sweeping messily off the edge of the sheets.
He was probably the hardest to tell. He'd never been much of a talker, but now he was silent. Usually, that wasn't a problem since his expressions were easy to read, but his face had remained mostly blank all day, even after nearly drowning. He had always been the closest to Mari—even I couldn't compete. If her death had such an effect on me, I couldn't possibly imagine what he was going through. Then again, he had chosen to come out of his house and reunite with the rest of us, so maybe he really was getting better.
Hopefully.
I must've fallen asleep at some point because a few hours later I was startled awake by the sound of piano music. Mari's piano music… It sounded so real. But it could also just have been my brain playing tricks on me. It had happened before.
I stood up and started creeping for the door as quietly as possible to avoid waking up the others. Fortunately, the floorboards weren't too creaky, despite the house's age. The room was silent as I left, except for the soft tune still flowing from downstairs.
The hall was dark and uncomfortably silent. I tiptoed down the stairs, my heart beating faster in my head with every step. It had been a while since my last hallucination. Would Mari be a cruel wraith, or a forgiving spirit this time?
I entered the piano room to the right, holding my breath in anticipation.
A dark figure stood in front of me as the music cut off, startling me. It took me a minute to realize it wasn't Mari.
"Whoa, you scared me there, Sunny!" I said, finally letting the air out. My heart rate gradually slowed as Sunny stared at me, eyes wide. "Sorry for bursting in like that. I could've sworn I heard piano music." I added on, hoping I wasn't intruding.
Sunny remained silent, which I expected but still felt a little strange. Not even a one word answer. A reminder of how he'd changed.
"You must miss Mari a lot." I said, quiet and a little unsure whether or not the topic was safe. Sunny gave no visible reaction, so I continued, thinking back to my own struggle. "It's been hard for me, too. I still think about her every day."
I stared wistfully at the piano keys, the light of the full moon flowing through the same large window I had once seen nearly every day. It was all so familiar. Even the music book remained untouched. The only piece missing was her. Her smile as her hands glided across the keys, her blushing red cheeks when we all clapped for her… She'd seemed so happy.
"I just… don't understand why she chose to leave us… the way she did."
Then I thought back to that night with Kel, and what I'd realized that day.
"But I knew her as a person who would always want all of us to be happy, even if it was without her." My voice sounded much more confident than I felt, but I did believe it. Hopefully Sunny did too.
"You should really get some rest." I added. He'd nearly drowned today. "Go upstairs. I'll join you in a bit."
Sunny took one last look at the empty piano bench, allowing the moonlight to light up his dark eyes and pale skin. His expression was muted, but his eyes were soft with sorrow, and I could've sworn I saw his bottom lip quiver slightly before he turned and headed back upstairs. With what specific emotion, I couldn't tell. I hoped it wasn't guilt, though. What Mari did surely wasn't his fault.
Now it was my turn. I stared at the piano, that last song filling my head. The music brought back a childhood of memories. Here alone, the feelings I'd spent so long fighting were beginning to drag me down again.
Why would she do it?
Why wasn't she happy?
What did I do wrong?
Could I have saved her?
A tear rolled down my cheek, and I bowed my head, crumbling to my knees. I'd do anything to get her back, to see her face one last time. To feel her tender lips on mine. To ask her why she felt the way she did and how I could help. But the room was silent.
I'm not sure how long I spent there, collapsed on the floor listening to the sounds of my own sobs. But at some point exhaustion dried the last of my tears away. So I headed back upstairs and buried myself under the covers, hoping I'd surface again tomorrow.