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It was a beautiful afternoon in late spring, and Raguna was getting married.
And Ivan didn’t know what to do.
Well, that wasn’t completely true. Ivan knew from the moment Raguna handed him an invitation to the wedding that he would attend. Lost memories or not, he would never miss his brother’s wedding.
But how do you act at the wedding of a man who doesn't know he’s related to you? Who doesn’t remember the hours spent outside playing in the dirt and getting into fights as children?
Ivan was surprised to receive an invitation at all. He and Raguna chatted every week when Ivan came into town to sell his wares, but it was all small talk. As much as it broke his heart, Ivan never thought Raguna considered him a friend or anything.
But then Raguna appeared early that spring with the largest smile Ivan had ever seen on his face, before and after the memory wipe, and handed him a simple invitation. He said, in a voice dripping with earnesty, that he hoped Ivan could make it. Ivan immediately made sure to clear his schedule for the wedding day.
Ivan was the only person who didn’t live in Kardia that was invited to the wedding. He was sure Kardian weddings couldn’t be that different from the weddings in the capital, but he asked around in the weeks leading up to the wedding just in case. He ended up being incorrect. Kardian weddings were far simpler, which he probably should have expected. Only the bride and groom dressed up. Everyone else wore their regular attire. The ceremony would be short and sweet. At the end, each guest would take a turn addressing the newlywed couple and congratulating them. This was the difference that surprised Ivan the most. Back in the capital, the number of guests in attendance was far too big to allow each of them a turn in talking to the couple.
And that was where Ivan’s main predicament came into play.
What could he possibly say on the wedding day of a man he had once called brother? What could he say to the woman who would be tying Raguna down to Kardia permanently?
Ivan didn’t want to feel any ill will towards Raguna’s future wife. It wasn’t her fault. And it wasn’t like Raguna had left another lover behind when he disappeared. He wasn’t unknowingly being unfaithful. But for Ivan, this marriage felt like Raguna showing the world he didn’t even want to learn about his past. He was happy with the blank space in his memories. Kardia was the only home he’d ever known, and he was happy to keep it that way.
Was that how Raguna really felt, though? Ivan didn’t know. Because Ivan never asked.
Because Ivan had decided to keep Raguna at a distance to allow him to be happy in his new life in Kardia. A simple wedding shouldn’t be enough to make him question that decision.
Raguna was living a fulfilling life in Kardia. Exactly how Ivan wanted. Raguna had been through so much already. He’d saved the whole damn kingdom from the Sechs Empire. He deserved a quiet life. One free from political intrigue and suffering.
But that didn’t make the decision hurt any less.
It didn’t make it any easier to look the woman Raguna was marrying in the eyes, knowing that in another life he would have called her his sister-in-law.
Another difference between Kardian weddings and weddings in the capital, it seemed, was the time between the engagement and the actual wedding. In the capital, the couple needed time to decide where they would get married and purchase decorations and food for the event. This often took several seasons to sort out. In Kardia, all that needed to be prepared was the bride and groom’s wedding attire. Without need for discussion, everyone knew the wedding would be held at the church. The pastor, Wesley, would officiate. After the ceremony, everyone would go to Emmett’s bar for food and drinks, on the house. It was going to be the simplest wedding Ivan had ever been to, but the whole town was abuzz. It was all anyone could talk about in the weeks leading up to it.
Weeks that flew by much too fast for Ivan’s taste.
So now it was that beautiful afternoon in late spring. The windows of the church were open to let in the fresh air. The pews were packed. Ivan sat in the last row.
The wedding was quaint and quick and Ivan could tell that was exactly the way Raguna liked it. He and his bride walked down the aisle together and stood before Wesley. They said their vows and all too soon it was time for the guests to take their turns congratulating the couple.
Ivan waited a moment before standing up to find a place in line. Going last would be best for him. It would buy him a few extra precious minutes to think of something to say.
But as the line got shorter and shorter, Ivan realized that the extra minutes weren’t helping. There was too much he wanted to say. There was too little he could say. He was stuck with too many and yet not enough options.
And then it was Ivan’s turn. Somehow, without him paying attention, the person ahead of him in line had said their piece and sat back down. Now it was just Ivan standing in front of the newlywed couple, both with tears in their eyes and shining smiles.
So Ivan spoke.
“I… see you’ve decided to settle down here permanently, Raguna. Good luck.”
The words left his mouth with very little thought behind them. There was a brief moment, when the words reached Raguna, where he looked slightly confused. As if wondering what else he would be doing besides settling down in the town he’s called home for years now. But he quickly covered up his confusion with a smile. Raguna had always done that, even back before he lost his memories and wandered into Kardia.
“I appreciate that, Ivan. And thanks for coming to the wedding! It means a lot,” Raguna replied. Ivan could tell that Raguna meant what he said. But he wished Raguna knew enough to mean it more.
Ivan smiled and nodded to Raguna, then returned to his seat in the back of the church.
Maybe Ivan should stop visiting Kardia. Maybe he should stop trying to steal glances into Raguna’s life and imagining what it would be like if he could be a part of it. With every big life milestone Raguna reached, it only became more painful. Could he really keep doing this forever? What about when Raguna had children? Could Ivan be content to sit by and wish he could be an uncle to Raguna’s children? Was it possible without the grief and pain overwhelming him?
It had to be, Ivan decided as he watched Raguna and his new wife leave the church arm in arm. There was no other choice. He couldn’t just leave and never come back. Raguna deserved the peace and quiet of a small town life. Ivan would give that to him. But he would also always watch over Raguna as much as possible.
That was Ivan’s fate in life, and Ivan had to learn to be okay with it.
It was his only choice.