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“I’m back,” BamBam calls through the house. It is a silent house, but BamBam keeps talking. After all, ever since Yugyeom lost his voice in an accident a year ago, BamBam has taken it upon himself to keep the house just as cheery as it once was.
“Today was perfectly ordinary,” BamBam continues on. “Nothing special, nothing fancy. I’m so glad I’m done with work so that I can at least be ordinary with you. I do have some extra work to do, though, sorry. I know how much you hate it when I work at home. I’ll try to finish it up quickly so we can watch a movie.”
It’s awkward, BamBam still struggles with keeping the house lively but it’s all for Yugyeom. He moves to the kitchen—it’s empty aside from the dishes on the rack. Yugyeom must have washed them after BamBam left. “Thanks for doing the dishes, babe!” BamBam calls out, hummin under his breath. The water in the bathroom is running, so Yugyeom must have hopped in the shower right before BamBam came back. He’s been taking longer ones more recently.
After BamBam puts away the clean dishes and begins microwaving the leftovers from last night, his phone starts ringing. It’s Jinyoung. “Hyung!” BamBam picks up, happy to have someone to talk to.
“BamBam, where is Yugyeom?” Jinyoung’s voice is crackling with bad connection. He must be returning from his business trip in Jeju.
“He’s in the bathroom, hyung,” BamBam replies.
“You hid the razors, right?” BamBam sighs. “Look, Bam, you can’t take this lightly.”
BamBam takes the food out of the microwave with a clatter. “Hyung, it’s fine. Yugyeom was super clingy this morning. It would be weird if he was trying to hide anything. I don’t want to talk about this—I just got back from work. Have you talked to Jaebeom recently? I’ve been meaning to ask him about the antidepressants.”
Jinyoung harrumphs, displeased with the change of topic but acquiesces. “Yes. He says that sooner or later you’re going to need to see a therapist and maybe change the medication. Did you see the recommendation email he sent you?”
BamBam hums, putting Jinyoung on speaker phone to check his emails. “Yeah, I see it now. Dr Choi Youngjae, right?” Jinyoung confirms. “I’ll talk to Yugyeom about it tonight. Speaking of which, I need to get him out of the shower or else he’ll get all wrinkly. Talk to you later, hyung.”
“Wait, he’s still in the–” BamBam ends the call, making his way to the bathroom door. Latte is currently sitting by the door, pawing under it and trying to get in, and when she sees BamBam, she meows pitifully.
BamBam laughs, bending down to scratch under her chin, but she darts away. Cats. “Yugyeom?” he calls out over both the rush of the shower water and Latte still meowing. “Can you get out of the shower? I don’t want to kiss a wrinkly boy.”
Still nothing. BamBam tries the door, but it’s locked. “Yugyeom, come on. It’s been forty minutes, I know you’re growing out your luscious locks but I need to pee.” A sinking feeling pulls at BamBam’s stomach. Sometimes Yugyeom would hole himself in the bathroom for ages since the bathroom is always warmer than the other rooms and the heat helps him relax. But this is excessive, especially with no response. “Yugyeom–”
He rattles the handle more, panic rising in his chest. He needs to enter the bathroom but it’s locked and BamBam isn’t nearly strong enough to burst it open. Instead, he makes a frantic grab for his phone, calling Jaebeom as fast as he can.
“Bam? What’s up?” Jaebeom sounds like he just woke up, but BamBam can’t bring himself to care.
“Hyung, it’s Yugyeom. He’s been in the shower and he’s not responding to me. I can’t get the door open.”
“What?” BamBam can hear a thump. Jaebeom sounds considerably more awake. “I’ll be there in ten, see if you can unlock the door with a screwdriver.” BamBam nods miserably, even if he knows Jaebeom cannot see it. The line cuts, and BamBam finally lets out a choked sob, phone clattering to the floor.
Maybe he is panicking just a bit too hard from an outsider’s perspective, but BamBam just wants Yugyeom to be okay. For the longest time, those two have only had each other, and BamBam can’t stand the thought of losing his best friend and boyfriend. He gets to his feet shakily, stumbling down the hall and into the closet to try to find a screwdriver.
He doesn’t get very far when his knees can’t hold his weight and he crumples to the ground, another sob wracking through his body. His chest heaves with stress and a wail. He won’t, and he can’t let this happen.
He pulls himself to his feet yet again, and wills himself by sheer muscle memory to take steps down the hall to the closet.
He’s not fast enough. He can’t seem to gather the energy to put one foot in front of the other. He can hardly register the apartment door unlocking and Jaebeom calling his name. “BamBam”—Jaebeom is too calm. Why is he calm?—”come on.” A heavy arm wraps around BamBam’s waist and pulls him to the bathroom.
“Hyung,” BamBam can barely get out. Jaebeom ignores him for a moment, and though a logical BamBam will understand why, right now, he can’t help but clench his fists in frustration. “Hyung.”
“Step back, Bam,” Jaebeom still doesn’t listen to BamBam, instead just throwing his body weight at the bathroom door and it flies open, Jaebeom almost tumbling into the bathroom.
Nothing is said for a moment, when– “Fuck– BamBam, call an ambulance. Don’t come in here.”
BamBam can’t move. What does this mean? He tries to move to peek into the bathroom but Jaebeom blocks the doorway as best he can with wide shoulders. “Jaebeom–”
“No.” Jaebeom cuts off BamBam. “Not yet. Call an ambulance first. That is the most important part.”
BamBam nods carefully, his mind is too blank to do anything but follow what Jaebeom tells him. He grabs for his phone on the ground, dialling the emergency dispatchers. But when someone picks up, BamBam is almost completely tongue tied. It’s only when Jaebeom mutters a hissed “shit” that BamBam springs back into action.
“Hello, I am BamBam. I am living with Kim Yugyeom and I don’t know what’s happening. I just– Yugyeom was in the bathroom and he isn’t responding. My friend is there and I don’t know what’s happening? Can you please help?”
“All right, sir, can you please tell me exactly what happened?” THe dispatcher is sweet, relaxed, and BamBam wants to scream into the phone.
“Kim Yugyeom—I live with him—he’s in the bathroom, and I think he’s hurt? He’s not responding, and my friend won’t tell me what he found, I don’t think he wants me to see. I’m scared.” BamBam chokes on his words.
“All right, BamBam, right?” BamBam murmurs in confirmation. “Can you hand the phone to your friend who is with you?”
BamBam nods again, throwing the phone at Jaebeom. It hits Jaebeom’s shoulder, and Jaebeom is surprised but he catches it, holding the phone to his ear.
BamBam can’t register what Jaebeom is saying, instead taking the chance to peer into the bathroom…
Maybe Jaebeom was right after all.
BamBam claps his hands over his mouth and he can feel bile rising in his throat. Jaebeom is still blocking most of the doorway but BamBam can see blood on the wall, and Yugyeom’s head hanging out the side of the tub.
An animalistic scream is ripped out of BamBam’s throat, and he crawls forward, feral. He stops by the bathtub and he can’t look. He squeezes his eyes tight. He doesn’t want this. He wants to return to this morning. He wants to take off work, to hold Yugyeom. He wants to go back to childhood, when he first met Yugyeom and promised to stay with him forever.
He wants to go back to before he met Yugyeom and never see him from across the playground.
Yugyeom’s too peaceful. His long lashes fan across his cheeks. His lips are parted. He looks almost alive.
BamBam screams and cries, and he cannot—will not—move from where he kneels in front of the bathroom tub. Blood is getting on his knees. He won’t move. Not when Jaebeom pulls at his shirt. Not when the emergency responders come to take Yugyeom to the hospital and are forced to step over him. Not even when Jinyoung arrives and begs BamBam to get up, to eat.
He can’t bring himself to open his eyes, not even when they’re burning from the tears building up and the pressure applied to it.
“BamBam,” Jinyoung’s voice is raw, “we need to clean up the bathroom.”
BamBam shakes his head vehemently, eyes still shut tight. “No.” He can’t recognise his own voice. “You can’t.”
“BamBam.” Jaebeom tries this time, placing his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder, but BamBam shakes it off.
“No,” BamBam screams, whipping his head around to stare at his two friends. He blinks. The artificial light is too bright. “We can’t.”
“Why not?” Jinyoung’s voice is gentler than Jaebeom’s. BamBam prefers it.
“I’m going to make him clean up his own mess,” BamBam half-sobs. “If you make a mess, you clean it up. That’s the rule. I’m not letting him off easy.” He sounds foreign, and Jaebeom gives Jinyoung a look. Jinyoung doesn’t return it.
“Okay, we’ll leave it,” Jinyoung soothes, bending down to sit on the ground next to BamBam. He directs his eyes at BamBam and away from the interior of the bathroom. “Can you come sit by the couch? I’m sure the floor isn’t comfortable. You need to keep the doorway clear, for when Yugyeom comes to clean it up later, okay?” Jinyoung’s voice is strained but BamBam can’t be bothered to notice.
Jinyoung’s warm hands curl around BamBam’s biceps, but they don't pull at him like Jaebeom did earlier. Instead, they rest there like a comfort, until BamBam finally shifts to stand. He doesn’t know how he can, how he has the strength to. If it is really him moving.
He doesn’t remember much after that. Jinyoung said something, Jaebeom stood there brooding. BamBam doesn’t know. He can’t really focus on anything other than his shaking hands right now. Has his skin always been this dry? He really needs to repaint his nails.
He blinks.
Jaebeom is somewhere, he can hear muttered voices from the kitchen. Jinyoung is still beside him, petting his hand but not coming closer. They can’t enter the bathroom. It’s not allowed. When Yugyeom comes back, BamBam is going to rip into him. When Yugyeom comes back–
BamBam’s face is wet. He sniffs, rubs at his cheeks with his sleeve.
The dam breaks. This time, Jinyoung doesn’t hesitate and wraps BamBam into a hug, and BamBam doesn’t pull away. He doesn’t think he could, even if he wanted to. He’s too tired.
He wants to sleep and wake up with Yugyeom beside him.
He doesn’t know what he wants.
If he never met Yugyeom, they both would have been happy. They would meet different best friends. Yugyeom wouldn’t have gotten into that stupid, that cursed accident. Yugyeom wouldn’t have– “Stupid.” BamBam cries. “So, so fucking stupid.”
He cried a lot today. He’s never cried this much. It’s a little exhilarating. Would Yugyeom be upset that he cried in Jinyoung’s arms instead of Yugyeom’s? BamBam remembers to apologise to Yugyeom for that when he comes back.
The sun is too bright when BamBam shifts from when his face was buried in Jinyoung’s shoulder. He blinks, once twice. “Gyeom?” BamBam’s voice is woozy, a little weird. Jaebeom is sitting in the armchair. “Hyung, you look like you haven’t slept a wink for a week.”
BamBam stands. He’s a little wobbly and Jaebeom starts to move but BamBam waves him away. His head’s fuzzy. “Hyung, did Yugyeom come home last night?”
Jaebeom’s mouth opens. It closes. He closes his eyes and opens them again. “Not yet, Bammie.” BamBam’s lips twist. What emotion is in his stomach right now?
“God, what a pain. He really needs to come clean up after himself.” A pause. Jaebeom looks like he wants to say something but he doesn’t. “I’m going to read in my room. Yell when Yugyeom walks in.”
Jaebeom breathes sharply through his nose, like he doesn’t want BamBam to leave the living room, but BamBam pays no mind. Jaebeom has always been weird.
His room is warm, it’s nice. The sun shines directly on his bed, and BamBam crawls into it, pressing his face against the sheets and breathing in Yugyeom’s scent. Once, he got sunburnt just lying here with his shirt hiked up. Yugyeom laughed at him for days. Maybe they can get ramen tonight. Extra spice just to see Yugyeom squirm.
“BamBam?” Jaebeom creaks the door open. The sun has shifted. The calendar is different. Is the weather warmer? He’s more tired. When did that happen? “How are you?”
“Is Yugyeom back yet? I have to make sure he cleans properly.” BamBam responds, still facing the wall. Jaebeom shifts on his feet. BamBam is too skinny but nothing is said about it.
“Ah, no, we’re going to visit him. Then we’ll bring him back.” BamBam hums.
“Okay.” He knows where this is going but for now Yugyeom will be fetched. And he will clean up his mess.
He follows Jaebeom through the hallway again. He can taste copper on his tongue but the bathroom is clean. Who cleaned it? “I want ramen.” He sounds strange but it’s fine. Everything’s fine.
Jinyoung is awake, and he glances at BamBam with a concerned look in his eye. “We can stop for ramen on the way back, okay? You can eat in the car.” BamBam nods. Ramen is delicious. He especially likes it with egg and cilantro.
When they pull up at the hospital, BamBam doesn’t remember the car ride, but the radio is playing some K-Pop song. Yugyeom would like it. “Did Yugyeom skin his knee again?”
Jinyoung chokes out a “not this time” and the conversation is closed. The hospital smells like Kleenex and detergent and it twists in BamBam’s stomach. Yugyeom lying in the tub. It’s been a month.
“I don’t want to.”
Both Jaebeom and Jinyoung turn to look at BamBam. Jaebeom looks constipated and BamBam is not allowed to laugh at that. Jinyoung is much kinder, placing a hand on Jaebeom’s arm as if to calm him down. “All right, BamBam. Do you want me to wait with you?”
BamBam shakes his head. “No. I’ll sit and wait.” Jinyoung opens his mouth but BamBam cuts him off. “I promise.”
He’s sitting in a chair. It’s been too long. He’s restless. He can hear Jinyoung talking to no one at all. Yugyeom is in a coma. He won’t remember why. BamBam’s legs are asleep. He wants to get fresh air, so with a quick glance through the door, BamBam leaves. They’re preoccupied talking to the doctor. They are crying. Are they smiling?
It’s weird, why is the hospital’s roof accessible to the public? He can see the sea from here. BamBam breathes in the air. It smells like smog.
He takes a step forward, then another. Yugyeom has the hyungs wrapped around his finger. One more. They cleaned up his mess for him. Further. He wants to get ramen with Yugyeom. One foot in front of the other. He’ll put lots of spicy powder in it. Three more steps. An egg. He climbs on the ledge. Cilantro. He feels air rushing past his ears. Yugyeom.