Chapter Text
She rested her head against the window, watching the scenery pass her by. Autumn took over summer, painting the trees with shades of red and yellow, radiating warmth that entered her heart, making her calmer with each second.
Home, she was going home.
Away from the mess that she had created, away from it all. She yearned for that familiar feeling, of walking down the cobblestone streets, breathing in the air she used to know and love so dearly. She dreamed of meeting familiar faces, of things making sense once more.
The scenery blurred into shapes of various colours as the train went by, the sound of wheels on the tracks becoming white noise as she got out her headphones and pressed play on a random playlist. The sound of guitar strumming filled up her ears and she pressed her cheek against the cold surface of the glass, closing her eyes.
It’s been two years since she last visited.
Almost two years since she saw them; since she last contacted anyone. They tried to call, they tried to message her. And in the beginning, she tried to get back to them… that was until things changed. She couldn’t help but feel guilty at the realisation that they never heard back from her. She was too scared to talk to them, to hear their voices.
Nothing felt real when she left and nothing felt real now that she was coming back. But she was hopeful that the world would make sense again once she stepped foot into the town, that maybe they would forgive her for running away.
She was coming back to the place that she knew like the back of her hand, a place of comfort. Everything would be okay once she got back and fell into the old track like a missing piece in a well-oiled machine. She would fall into place and everything would be fine.
She hazily opened her eyes as she felt the train slow down, unsure whether this was her stop or not. All that she saw were ember trees when she looked outside. The middle of nowhere, with fields of golden wheat unfolding before her eyes, glistening in the evening hours as sun rays fell to earth with such intensity and beauty that it brought the world back to life as it withered, preparing for winter.
The train started to move once more, tilting from side to side as it slid across the track, making her head bump slightly against the window. She scrunched up her nose in frustration but didn’t move away from the cool surface. The bouncing stopped shortly after the train picked up a reasonable pace and she allowed herself to open her eyes, looking out into the colourful nature.
She wondered how they’d react once they saw her get off the train with her suitcase in one hand, what they’d say once she said the words that burned on the tip of her tongue. Because even if they didn’t intend any malice by it, they would ask her when she was going back. And to that, she didn’t know the answer.
Well, she did know it… but she also knew how confused they’d be if they heard it out loud, even though she had a feeling they suspected it immediately after reading her texts.
Still, she wouldn’t say it right away, instead, she would avoid the subject as much as she could and she would figure it out on her own time. She would find the right words; she would be welcomed back into her old life and she would finally have some peace of mind.
The trees outside the window swirled into one as they drove through a forest.
She played with the hem of her sleeves anxiously, the navy-blue fabric soft under her fingertips. Soon she would get off the train and see them again. And then, everything would be okay.
She could see the factories in the distance, placed behind the woods, sticking out in the breath-taking ambience. She snorted at the sight; some things never changed. But it felt good, familiar, warm. It felt like home.
She looked at the trees, at the factories, at the tattered houses that appeared along the track, some of their conditions so poor she wondered how they still stood. She looked at the disappearing forest as the train slowed down before coming to a halt.
This was it, this was her stop, her time to get off.
She got up gingerly, careful not to trip over her own feet as she took her yellow suitcase into one hand, before making her way down the narrow aisle. The suitcase was heavy as she got off the train, praying that she wouldn’t damage the suitcase or herself as she went down the stairs.
The suitcase fell to the ground with a thud before her feet joined. The heels of her brownish boots made her stagger a bit before she found her balance again, dusting off her sweater with her free hand to pull herself together before she saw them.
Two years.
She should have come back, at least for the holidays. She didn’t exactly know why she chose to isolate herself. She was certainly surprised that they were so adamant about taking her back, on letting her stay with them. But maybe she should not have been.
She had lived with them long enough to know how they were, how they showed her kindness that she certainly did not deserve. She had also lived with them long enough to know, that they would show concern and that they would definitely berate her for not keeping in touch.
The wheels of her suitcase rolled on the rocky ground as she walked away from the track, closer to the entrance to the town. The scent of dust and cool autumn breeze hit her as she walked, the wind messing up her blonde waves.
She didn’t exactly know what she expected.
It certainly wasn’t a big ‘welcome back’ sign. She didn’t even expect all of them to arrive but she hoped for at least one. At least one friendly face to welcome her back to the place she didn’t exactly run away from but was running back to.
But there was no one waiting for her, she was surrounded by nothing but trees and abandoned constructions. She sighed, feeling her shoulders drop. It hurt a bit, to come back to no one. She turned around, looking back to the railway, debating whether or not she could survive the night outside.
Maybe coming back wasn’t such a great idea.
Maybe she should’ve gone on a road trip, travel the world and never look back. But no other train would arrive to nor leave the town. She was on her own and it was up to her to figure it out. She took the headphones out of her ears and put them into her back pocket, already dreading the fact that she would have to untangle them once she got home. Her phone was running out of battery and she didn’t want to waste it, unsure whether she’d need it later.
She knew they wouldn’t pick up the phone and as she judged from the weather, they were probably outside, enjoying the rest of the day.
The setting sun warmed up her back as she walked away from the empty station, her suitcase jumping slightly on the uneven terrain. Her arm started to hurt as she dragged the luggage behind her, the wheels struggling against the rocks and pebbles.
The sound of wheels bumping into rocks surrounded her like a cacophony, disturbing the quiet evening. It was when she felt the suitcase get heavier that she realised, that the wheels fell off a few meters ago. She looked down at the damaged suitcase, the yellow fabric stained with dust and dirt.
She picked the heavy luggage with her other arm, groaning through her teeth at the added weight.
“Welcome home, El,” she muttered before taking the next step.
Rocks crunched underneath her boots as she walked; the autumnal air turned her cheeks a rosy shade of pink. It had a scent of crisp leaves and ripe apples that fell from the branches onto the ground along with now wilted leaves.
She could see the outline of the town, the buildings still looked more or less the same as when she saw them last. The road got less rocky with each step, instead, she walked on a pavement that looked like a mosaic, with mismatched materials and shapes. It was the town’s attempt to fix the broken parts that resulted in such a mix of colours, but she grew to accept it as a part of being back home.
Home, where the pavement was broken and rarely fixed.
The houses got more frequent and her nose was hit with a series of scents as she neared the centre. She could smell the pizza from her favourite pizza place… well, the only pizza place in town. They used to go there with Yaz and Ryan all the time when they were in school.
It was a pleasant surprise, to see that it was still open after all that time. El felt her stomach rumble as she walked past the shop and she cursed underneath her breath, remembering that she hadn’t eaten in several hours.
But the suitcase was too heavy and so she parted with the shop, giving it one last look before leaving it behind along with the scent of freshly baked dough.
She would have to convince Yaz and Ryan to go there with her soon.
The sounds of the centre quieted down as she walked, making her way back home. She wondered how much had changed there, whether they still had the old sofa, whether her bed was still in her room. She wouldn’t blame them if they had turned the guest room back into a guest room or a home gym after several months of not hearing a word from her. Maybe Grace turned it into a craft room, she always liked to create things.
She really hoped that they still had the old sofa.
Her legs ached as she made her way up the hill, into the familiar street that she basically grew up in. All the houses looked the same, which brought relief and comfort to her. It was home, familiar, just like she had left it.
She stopped in front of the brick house. The wooden doors were still a shade of dark grey, reminding her of briquettes. The inside of the house was hidden behind curtains that shielded it from the outside world. Still, she looked through the windows, hopeful that she’d at least be able to tell whether anyone is home.
She sighed when her actions proved to be futile and walked up to the door, unsure of whether she should knock. It would be the polite thing to do if she were a visitor. In a way she was. But she had lived there for years so surely, she wasn’t a stranger.
El stood on her tiptoes, attempting to peer inside through the little glass windows on top of the door, but she was too short to see anything. Her boots connected with the ground once more as she bit her lip, thinking of a solution to her problem.
With hesitation, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door, waiting for a reply. Her ear connected with the wood as she listened in, hoping to hear footsteps that didn’t come. Still, she could’ve sworn that she heard voices, so someone must have been inside.
With shaky hands, she got her keys out of the front pocket of her suitcase. The metal was cold against her skin and she barely managed to put the key inside the lock, but then they had connected and she turned the key in the lock, allowing the doors to open.
She stepped inside, placing her suitcase on the floor before closing the door behind her. There were shoes on the ground, which was always a good sign. She left her own boots next to the similar-looking black ones, before making her way to the living room.
“I’m back!” she called out, head peering out from behind the door.
She looked at the man that sat on the sofa, watching the news, as he jumped up in surprise, his face turning a shade of white that she suspected was only possible with using face paint. “Elodie!” he called out; voice higher than it normally was.
“Elodie, cockle, you can’t creep up on people like that!” his blue eyes peered at her as if he was coming to terms with her presence, his expression full of shock and confusion.
“Hiya Graham,” she smiled faintly, stepping into the living room fully.
It still looked the same, with the same old sofa covered in pillows of various shades and patterns. There was still the orange lamp on the stand next to the sofa along with several picture frames stood next to it. Pictures of Graham and Grace, Ryan, one with them and her.
“Weren’t you supposed to come back tomorrow?” he questioned before making his way to her and wrapping her in a hug, which she gladly returned.
“Nah, today,” she scrunched up her nose, hopeful that he wouldn’t be able to tell that it hurt her to be forgotten.
“Ah, sorry cockle, should’ve checked it again,” he apologised as he made his way back to the sofa, making sure to make space for her.
“It’s alright,” she lied with a smile, still standing near the entrance. “Is my bed still here?”
“Of course, it is cockle,” he smiled at her before peering out into the hall.
“Don’t worry Graham, I can handle it myself,” she assured him quickly as she caught on. He simply nodded, eyes shifting between her and the news.
“I’m actually going to rest if that’s okay.”
He raised his eyebrows at her, unsure whether he should question her some more or take the bait and get back to watching the television. “You must be tired,” he said after a while, waiting for her to nod.
“Exhausted, will tell you about it tomorrow,” she promised, thankful that he caught on.
She wouldn’t have the same luck with Grace.
“Night El,” he called back to her as she left the living room, eyes shifting to her quickly before meeting the television once more.
“Good night,” she replied before taking her suitcase and making her way up the stairs.
It was even heavier than on her way home, the stairs adding a new set of struggles and obstacles. She pushed on, the tip of her tongue peeking out as she focused on not dying. It would be embarrassing, to arrive and die not even an hour later. At least she’d get to avoid the uncomfortable conversation that she’d have with Grace.
She came to a halt in front of her door, catching her breath. It was still covered in stickers, almost as if she had never left. There was no point to keep the stickers and she wondered why they did it, after all, it was not as if she was related to them.
It was as if time had stopped when she stepped inside her room. It was just as she had left it, only with clean sheets and a made bed. It must’ve been Grace, cleaning the room up to make sure it was ready for her return.
She looked around at the faded yellow walls covered in various paintings that she and Yaz made when they were younger. There was still a rainbow pride flag above her bed, there were still glow in the dark stars on the ceiling.
She breathed in the scent of wood as she closed the door, leaving the suitcase tossed near her old desk. She looked at the polaroid pictures that were stuck to the wall with only pieces of tape and sheer luck. Pictures of her with Ryan and Yaz, of their memories in the town.
Her fingers traced the white frame of the one where she was sitting with Yaz on a bridge above a river. It was one of their trips and Ryan took the picture, saying that the light was too great not to. She wondered how Yaz would react to seeing her back.
El sat on the bed, running her fingers across the smooth sheets. They were her favourite, midnight blue with a myriad of stars. She got them from Grace, it was her first Christmas that she spent with them. Grace said that it was to make her feel more at home. She supposed that Grace succeeded in that.
Her eyes got heavy as she continued to look around the room, examining each and every corner. The wardrobe underneath the window still had most of her succulents on it. There was her mirror in the corner of the room, standing next to her other wardrobe. She could still see some of the glue from the stickers she tried to take off years ago.
El stifled a yawn before getting up and finding her pyjamas in her suitcase. She changed into them, leaving her clothes in a messy pile hung over the back of her chair. She could shower in the morning; she didn’t have any strength for that.
She closed her eyes, hopeful that this time, she might sleep through the night.
When she woke up, she was halfway out of the bed, catching herself mere seconds before falling. It was a dreamless night, which was good, brilliant even. She finally felt rested, after months of nightmares. Maybe coming back was an even better idea than she initially thought.
Maybe being back would fix everything.
She sat up on the bed, leaning her head against the wall. She was back and it would only get better from there. She had to believe it, had to convince herself of it. Fake it till you make it. It didn’t always work out, but maybe it could work this time.
She closed her eyes once more, taking deep breaths to prepare herself for what was coming. She could hear the voices from the lower floor, one more distinct than the other. Grace wouldn’t let her off the hook like Graham did and El wasn’t ready for that conversation.
Shower, she had to take a shower.
Reluctantly, she got out of bed and searched her suitcase for her bag filled with toiletries. Showering was important, it would make sure that she’d have some dignity left while Grace interrogated her. A shower ensured that she’d at least look decent while getting lectured.
She made her way to the bathroom slowly, still half asleep. The water would wake her up, she was sure of it. Everything would be perfect once she lathered every inch of her body and let herself be veiled with the scent of her shower gel.
She closed the bathroom door behind herself, meeting her reflection in the mirror that stood opposite her. She looked like shit. Her blonde hair was dishevelled and frizzy, outlining her pale face, which was paler than usual. There were dark circles underneath her eyes, reminding her of all those sleepless nights. One night couldn’t fix that, she supposed.
As soon as the water hit her skin, she knew she was awake. Figuring out how to turn on hot water wasn’t exactly how she imagined her morning to go, and she bit her tongue to stop herself from cursing any further.
When she figured out how to get hot water instead of cold, her shower got immensely better. She enjoyed the feeling of the hot drops as steam rose all around her. It was a new day, away from everything, back to what she knew.
She would get out of the shower and greet them all with a happy smile, she would be accepted back and she would be fine.
She turned off the water, suddenly feeling the cold as she stepped out of the shower. She shivered as she searched through the drawers for a towel, Grace always kept them there in case they had guests over.
After successfully finding a towel and drying herself off, she wrapped the towel around her torso, making her way back to her room to change into something comfortable.
“Make a good impression, everything’s fine,” she reminded herself as she searched through her suitcase, deciding that she would unpack later.
She didn’t know why she was so nervous to greet them. Well, she knew, but she was also preparing for that exact moment her entire ride back. Why couldn’t her brain calm down she had no idea, but she hoped it would shut up before she got downstairs.
She checked herself over once more in the mirror. Her hair was still damp, dripping slightly onto her white shirt. It had rainbow stripes across the chest which was mainly the reason why she bought it. The blue jeans she chose to wear were held up by yellow suspenders, bringing more of her favourite colour into the mix.
“It’ll be fine, you’ll do well.”
She didn’t believe those words even before they left her mouth, but it was too late to back out now. She quickly put on a pair of rainbow-striped fuzzy socks before making her way downstairs, greeted by the scent of pancakes and the sounds of conversation and cutlery.
“Morning,” she scrunched up her nose, unsure of her next move.
Graham was sat on a chair, a plate of pancakes in front of him, as he read the morning paper. His eyes quickly left the article to meet her as he gave her a brief smile. “Morning cockle,” he nodded before turning back to reading, his breakfast along with his coffee getting cold.
“Elodie, good morning love.”
Grace.
El looked at the older woman, her braided hair that was usually tied up in a ponytail was falling down her back, moving softly as she moved in to hug the younger woman. Grace had a smile on her face, such a kind smile that El was sure she did not deserve it.
“Hi Grace,” El mumbled as the other woman hugged her, letting herself relax into the embrace for a bit.
“Graham told me that you got here all by yourself, sorry about that love, should’ve known that he wouldn’t show up,” she rolled her eyes affectionately, earning a scoff from Graham.
“Not really my fault, was it? You were supposed to come with me.”
“The nurse life is a busy life,” Grace shrugged before turning back to El, eyeing her suspiciously. “Now, before we talk, you must be famished, how many pancakes do you want?”
“You know that I can make them myself, right?” El raised her eyebrows at the older woman, prompting her to shake her head.
“Nonsense, it’s your first day back, I’m making those pancakes,” Grace said, her tone suggesting that there was no other outcome to that scenario.
“Two’s fine, thank you,” El sighed with a small smile, allowing Grace to win. The other woman smiled at her before moving back to the stove. The room filled up with the sound of batter being poured onto the greased pan, followed by the scent of fresh fruit as Grace prepared breakfast.
“Morning.”
El turned around, a smile spreading on her lips as she saw Ryan walk down the stairs. He was even taller than when she left and his hair was shorter, but he was still the same Ryan that she left behind, clumsily walking down the stairs with closed eyes, still more asleep than awake.
“Morning son,” Graham greeted him, eyes glued to the newspaper. Ryan sat down opposite to him, yawning, before he turned slightly, blinking several times in El’s direction. She waved at him hesitantly, unsure of his reaction to her presence.
“El?” he asked and she nodded.
“Hi, Ryan.”
He didn’t get up to greet her, he barely moved as he stared at her as if she were a ghost. And in a way, she understood. She understood his disappointment, the reluctant look he sent her way before turning his gaze elsewhere with a sigh.
She understood him completely, knowing how much she had messed up. He deserved better than that, she knew that. Still, she couldn’t help but hunch her shoulders in an attempt to disappear. “You won’t just stand around, will you? Sit down and have breakfast love,” Grace appeared, placing the plate full of pancakes and fruit on the table next to where Ryan sat. He looked at the plate, eyes narrowed, before looking outside through the window.
El nodded, thanking Grace quietly as she sat down, suddenly very uncomfortable. She didn’t think the hard parts would come so quickly, but she knew that it would only get worse until it could get better. She could win Ryan over; she’d apologise and she’d fall back into the comfort of her old life.
“I don’t get pancakes?” Ryan questioned as he looked around the table, noticing that everyone but him had a plate in front of them.
“They’re on the counter, help yourself,” Grace smiled at him as she sat down next to Graham, opposing El. Ryan opened his mouth to protest, but stopped himself, sighing instead. The chair creaked as he got up, making his way to the rest of the pancakes.
“So, how have you been love? University treating you well?” Grace questioned when Ryan got out of earshot, eyebrows raised, expression full of curiosity.
“I’ve been fine.” Lies.
“Really?”
“Yes.” More lies.
“So, why are you back?” Grace continued; head tilted to the side.
“Just wanted to visit.”
She couldn’t believe how easy it was to lie to them, how the lies roll off her tongue. She was used to keeping to herself, used to not talking about anything with anyone. Well, not anything of importance. Still, it was surprising to realise just how effortlessly she could hide the truth from them, even though deep down she wanted to scream it at the top of her lungs.
Grace gave her an unimpressed nod, eyes narrowed in suspicion. There was one thing that made lying to them a lot harder, and it was Grace’s perceptiveness and her knowledge of how El reacted to certain things. She knew too much to be fooled, but she also knew that she wouldn’t get anything out of the younger girl if she pressed on, no matter how much she wanted to.
“For how long?”
There it was, the breaking point.
There was the question that El dreaded, the one she didn’t know how to answer. She lowered her gaze to her half-eaten pancakes, playing around with the bits of fruit with her fork. “I dunno,” she mumbled, eyebrows furrowed.
She felt the air around her shift as Ryan sat down, placing his plate on the table. Saved by Ryan, someone who probably wanted nothing to do with her. Ryan, who probably felt betrayed, abandoned. And she wouldn’t blame him.
“You should see Yaz, I think she’ll be happy to see you,” Graham suggested when uncomfortable silence swallowed up the room, consuming it.
El looked up from her plate, considering Graham’s words. She should see Yaz, she should apologise and she should attempt to get her best friend back.
“Yeah, she’ll be ecstatic to see you,” Ryan rolled his eyes, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Ryan,” Grace stepped in, eyes looking between him and Elodie.
“Whatever, I have to go to work anyway,” he sighed, rising up from the chair. He went over to Grace, planting a kiss on her cheek before grabbing his jacket and leaving the house, allowing a bit of fresh, cold air to get in.
“I’m sorry about him love,” Grace sighed while rubbing her eyes as Graham rubbed her back in hopes of calming her.
“It’s okay, I deserved that,” El replied quietly.
She didn’t get a reply.
She deserved that too.
“I still think that Yaz would be happy if you visited her,” Graham shrugged while taking a sip of his coffee.
“Yeah, I suppose,” El answered absentmindedly, brows furrowed. Maybe Ryan was right. Maybe Yaz wouldn’t be happy, maybe she’d react the same way he did.
“She works at the bakery, you should be able to find her there,” Grace noted before taking a bite of her pancake.
El placed the fork on the still mostly full plate, eyes still lowered. She didn’t want to face their expressions, see the concern in their eyes. “Thank you for breakfast Grace, it was amazing,” she quickly looked at Grace with a smile before looking down again and getting up from the table.
“It’s alright love, I’ll clean it up, you go and meet Yaz,” Grace offered when she saw El reach for the plate.
“You sure?”
“Yes, Graham will help,” the older woman replied, nudging her husband a bit to bring him back to reality.
“Thank you.”
El made her way out of the kitchen, coming back quickly to give Grace and Graham a brief hug. “Jacket!” Grace yelled back at her when she was near the front door, ready to go out. She sighed, knowing that Grace would drag her back inside if she didn’t wear anything over her shirt.
She ran back up to her room, grabbing her navy sweater before going back down again and putting on her boots. “Bye!” she called out in the direction of the kitchen as she opened the door, greeted by chill air.
The door closed behind her and she stepped into the street, smoke coming out of her mouth as she exhaled. She loved those autumn mornings when mist obscured her vision before clearing up to expose the colours of the trees.
The fallen leaves crunched beneath her boots as she walked, making her way to the centre of the town.
Some of the lamps were still lit up, although there was no need for it. It made the town look festive though, the dim lights shining through the mist like stars shone through clouds. El walked slowly, examining the nature around her. The few trees that surrounded the pavement were planted there specifically, back when the town had a reputation and people knew when someone mentioned its name.
Now, everyone tried to leave as it started to wither. Its glorious era was long gone and the only thing that followed was winter.
She was hit by sounds of children running around the closer she came to the centre. She smiled softly as she saw them playing in their uniforms with bags on their backs, getting in a few more minutes of freedom before they would go to school. Some people were walking around as well, most of them busy as they went to work or helped their offspring with getting to school on time.
El couldn’t help but look at them, recognising most of the faces. Some of them were new which was surprising. She liked the town, its rich history, the scenery, but she knew that it wasn’t exactly the place where new people wanted to settle, mostly it was a place where its old inhabitants could live out the rest of their lives while their children flocked away for better opportunities.
The scent of baked goods wafted into her face as she came closer to the bakery and she embraced it like a welcome home hug. She paused before she reached for the handle, unsure of whether she should come in or not.
Ryan made it clear that he wasn’t happy that she came back, but maybe Yaz would be. Maybe Yaz would smile at her the way she used to when things were okay. Yaz would be okay with her being back, wouldn’t she?
She reached out for the handle, stopping as her fingertips touched the cold metal.
Maybe she was a coward. Maybe turning back wasn’t the worst idea. It was surely better than being unwelcome. El turned around, shutting her eyes tightly as she tried to compose her thoughts. Being back was turning out to be a lot harder than being away, but she chose her fight back then, didn’t she?
She counted to ten in an attempt to calm herself. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. It didn’t work.
She could feel her heartbeat accelerate again, as she rubbed her eyes, swirling the colours that appeared in front of them.
“Elodie?”
The corners of her lips turned upwards as she opened her eyes and looked up, greeted by the sight of an older gentleman with kind blue eyes. He still looked the same, with a red hat that covered his silver hair, and El could’ve sworn it was the same brown jacket that warmed up his frame that he used to wear all those years ago.
“Hi, Wilf.”
“Elodie Smith, well, who would’ve thought that you out of all people would be back here,” he shook his head, but there was a playful smile on his lips. “Can’t resist the charm of it, can you?”
“Nope,” she chuckled.
“That’s good, you have to remember where your roots are,” he nodded.
“Aren’t you from London?” she teased him and he scoffed, shaking his head again.
“Might be, but my roots are here,” he reminded her.
“Touché. Still run the newspaper stand then?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.
He nodded. “Still do. Also, still have that telescope, if you wanted to come up to the hill someday,” there was a mischievous glint in his eyes as he said it.
“Didn’t Sylvia tell you to throw it out?”
“Well, Sylvia doesn’t have to know everything, does she?” he wiggled his eyebrows at her, earning a sincere laugh in return. “You off to visit Yaz then?”
“How did you…?”
“I might be old but I ain’t that old dear, the look on your face is a dead giveaway.”
El felt her cheeks flush with pink, making Wilf snicker at her embarrassment. She knew that her face was mostly an open book, even when she tried, others were quick to catch on. She was an excellent liar when it mattered though, or at least she liked to think so.
“Well, go off then, can’t keep the girl waiting,” he waved her off, nudging her in the direction of the door. She looked at the handle and then back at Wilf, who gave her a small thumbs-up of encouragement before she took a deep breath and reached for the cold metal.
She pushed the door open, greeted by the scent of fresh baked goods and the bell that rang above her head.
The bakery was small and filled with warm air that carried the scent of flour and crispy bread, ready for consumption. The yellow light shone above her head, giving the pastries an even more appetising look as it made them glisten.
El looked at the pastries with wide eyes as the sudden feeling of hunger struck her again. She used to love the croissants, they would buy them with Yaz before school while they were still hot and crispy.
“Be there in a moment!”
There she was, looking out from behind the door. Yasmin Khan, with her dark hair in several braids that connected on top of her head in a ponytail that showed off her natural curls. She was wearing a plain white shirt under her apron that was stained with flour. Her eyes were still the same, chocolate brown sprinkled with cinnamon.
“Hi.”
That was all El could say. Maybe it was the embarrassment, maybe it was guilt, maybe it was the way the light above her head shone on Yaz’s features, creating golden highlights on her skin.
“We were worried about you.”
It was a mere whisper, almost as if Yaz had given up on her. It was fair though; she shouldn’t have expected anything else. She took a shaky breath, ready to apologise when Yaz came up to her and pulled her into a hug, staining her sweater with flour.
“Hi, Yaz,” El said quietly, resting her chin on Yaz’s shoulder.
“Hi, El,” Yaz whispered into her ear, holding her even tighter. She smelled like freshly baked bread with a note of amber that El suspected was from her perfume.
“What are you doing here?” Yaz asked when she pulled away, dusting her apron off only to smear the flour stains even further.
“I’m back.”
“Back as in for how long?” Yaz furrowed her brows, confusion lacing her expression.
“Back as in… forever?” El replied as her nose scrunched up in discomfort. There it was again, that question. Soon they’d be asking for reasons and explanations that she did not have and she would only disappoint them further.
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” El let out a shaky breath before clenching her jaws, “oh.”
Yaz looked at her through thick eyelashes that were slightly coated with mascara, considering her for a moment. She looked torn at that moment as if she were having an internal conversation with herself. Then she sighed softly, biting her lip, which made El’s heart flutter.
“I finish up at around five if you wanted to do something.”
El’s eyes widened before she nodded with a small smile, cheeks flushed pink. “Sure, yeah, definitely. Hanging out with Yaz? Amazing. Brilliant even.”
“You’re being awkward again,” Yaz teased, showing off her pearly white teeth as she smiled.
“Yeah? I thought I was doing a great job,” El scrunched up her nose, earning a pat on the shoulder from Yaz.
“Needs work,” the other woman sneered.
El smiled back at her, feeling the warmth of her cheeks. She hoped that the red tone they were painted with wasn’t as noticeable underneath the warm light, but if Yaz noticed, she decided to say nothing.
“Right, then, got work to do, things to sell,” Yaz clasped her hands with a loud clap, bringing El out of her thoughts. She moved behind the counter, straightening her apron a bit. El watched her quietly, examining the way her hair bounced which each movement.
“Do you want to buy something?” Yaz questioned, raising one eyebrow with a smile.
“If I asked you to pretend to be surprised that I currently don’t have money on my person, would you play along?”
“Why does that not surprise me? Both your lack of money and the audacity to ask me to not be surprised,” Yaz clarified when she saw El pout. She sighed, shaking her head as she took a paper bag from underneath the counter and reached for one of the freshly baked croissants.
The steam was still rising from it when she placed the pastry inside the bag before closing it delicately. The paper crinkled as she moved it around before reaching out her hand across the counter and handing the bag to El. “It’s on the house… think of it as a welcome back gift.”
El reached out for the back and her fingers brushed gently against Yaz’s. She lowered her gaze as her cheeks warmed up, muttering thanks before tugging a strand of hair that made its way into her eyes behind her ear. When she looked up, Yaz was smiling at her softly, cheeks flushed.
“Well,” El cleared her throat, “I’ll see you in a few,” she smiled, her fingers playing with the bag in hopes that it would calm her anxiety.
“See you,” Yaz nodded, waiting for El to leave the shop.
The bell rang as she opened the door, greeted by cold air. She turned around once more to wave at Yaz before stepping outside, leaving the warmth of the shop and Yaz’s smile behind.
The street was emptier now, with no kids running around, no adults rushing for work. El took a deep breath, watching the smoke rise from her mouth as she exhaled. The bagged croissant was warm in her hand and she slowly opened the bag up, allowing herself to breathe in the scent before taking the croissant out and taking a bite.
They were even better than she remembered. Maybe they tasted better because nostalgia laced the idea of them, maybe it was the fact that it was from Yaz that elevated the experience.
El walked around the centre as she ate her pastry, admiring the architecture. The buildings in the centre were the prettiest in her opinion, especially the parts where people actually lived. Most of the buildings had a small shop on the ground floor and then people living on the first floor.
She knew that Yaz lived in one of those buildings that were nearer the outskirts than the actual centre. Her family couldn’t afford their old house after her mum lost her job in the city and so they found a flat big enough for the four of them and moved there.
She wondered how the rest of Yaz’s family was. Her mum used to be so frustrated with her whenever she called her ‘Yaz’s mum’, insisting that El should call her Najia like the rest of Yaz’s friends. El never listened though. Her dad used to be so happy whenever El came over for dinner because she loved his pakora, even though none of his family members did.
El hoped that they were well, she would have to ask Yaz about them later in the evening.
She finished her croissant shortly, dusting off her fingers as well as the flour that Yaz left behind on her sweater.
The autumn breeze flew around her, fluffing up her hair. She looked around at the trees that decorated the square. Some of their leaves were fallen on the ground, the colours blending with the grass underneath.
The fountain that was right in the centre of the square was turned off; it was always off during the autumn and winter months. In the middle of spring, they’d clean it out and let it run until the middle of September, then they’d drain it and let nature do whatever it wanted.
El remembered how she along with Yaz and Ryan used to make wishes during those summer months when they were younger; the coins would sparkle underneath the water when the sun was highest in the sky, reminding them of jewels. El used to think that that sight was one of the most beautiful things back then, she could spend hours simply admiring the shiny coins as the light played with them and the surface of the water.
She looked at the empty fountain, eyeing the leaves that had fallen into it.
Sometimes things didn’t pass the test of time.
Sometimes they withered with it.
She was greeted by a variety of scents as she walked through town, mainly from the various shops. Her eyes longingly met the glass window of the ‘Slice of pie’ pizza place as she walked by, determined to bring Yaz there for old time’s sake.
The town got quieter the further away from the centre she got, leaving her with no other sounds but the birds chirping as the wind fluffed the leaves on the trees, as well as the sound of her footsteps. She kicked a few of the small rocks as they started to appear, progressively closer to the station.
It was abandoned, even the constructions were.
She didn’t know what else she expected. Not a lot of people wanted to come into Briar Glen and not a lot of people could get out in the middle of autumn. A lot of the constructions in town were around for years before getting finished, that was nothing new. And before the town could enjoy the finished project, it would need repairing, again.
El sat down on a bench, facing the track. It was surrounded by trees, coloured in various shades. It looked peaceful, beautiful. She loved autumn, the colours, the warmth. The last moment of glory before it all fell down.
The world went out with a bang.
It also always rebuilt itself. From the ground up, every little leaf, every little detail. All coming back for spring, starting a new cycle of beauty before withering away. It must have been exhausting, to do it all over again, to rise like a phoenix from the cold ashes of your prior self.
She looked at the falling leaf, watching it sway in the wind before it hit the ground.
“How was the meetup with Yaz?”
The door shut behind her with a loud thud and she was immediately welcomed by Graham’s voice that echoed as she struggled to take off her shoes before running up the stairs.
“Great, we’re going out again soon!” she called out to him while making her way to her room quickly.
Yaz would finish up at work soon and El wanted to impress her by at least having money.
She struggled with the contents of her suitcase, attempting to find her wallet as fast as possible. She couldn’t be late even though it was probably expected from her at that point. But she wanted Yaz to know that she could be on top of her game, that she could arrive on time sometimes while paying for her own meal.
She really had to convince Yaz that pizza was their best option.
Her wallet brushed against her fingers when she rummaged through the last pocket and she got it out of the suitcase with a victorious smile, praying deep down that she had some money in there.
“Where’s Grace?” El questioned once she got downstairs, leaning against the doorframe to the living room. Graham was sat on the sofa, watching something that looked like a documentary about sea creatures.
“Working, she’ll arrive later,” he replied, briefly looking up at El.
“Okay,” she nodded before eyeing the documentary just as a turtle appeared on the screen.
“Do you want to watch?” Graham asked, already shifting to make more space for her before she stopped him with a small head shake as well as raising her hand.
“No, thank you, I should get going before Yaz eats me alive for being late,” she snickered, making Graham roll his eyes affectionately.
“Glad to know some things stayed the same,” he laughed softly, earning a nose scrunch from El in return.
“I’ll see you later?” she questioned while slowly getting out of the room and into the hall. Graham nodded, eyes turning back to the screen before he looked back at her with a sigh. “El?”
She stopped in her tracks, head peering into the living room once more. “Yeah?”
“I’m really sorry about not picking you up yesterday.”
“It’s all forgiven,” she reassured him. He nodded slowly, something sad lingering behind his eyes as he looked up at her again.
“Okay cockle, if you say so.”
She stayed there for a moment longer before turning back and making her way to the door once more. Putting on her shoes was somehow a struggle as her fingers trembled with anticipation. Yaz, she’d get to see Yaz and hang out and talk.
Talking wasn’t good. Not that there was anything to talk about. It was completely normal to come back home after two years of not talking to anyone and it was certainly completely normal to leave your university education behind and run back to your small town.
The wind was colder when she stepped outside, making her way to the bakery. It wasn’t a strong wind, more of a breeze, but it painted her cheeks in pink and made her shiver slightly. She walked straight ahead, her pace fast.
She still had a bit of time, but the thought of surprising Yaz and arriving sooner made her excited and added some speed to her step. Impressing Yaz, she could do that, couldn’t she?
She stopped herself as she saw the centre of town, her nose hit by the faint scent of street food. The sky was already darkening a bit and she sped up when she saw a figure in the distance that seemed to be in the general direction of the bakery.
The heels of her boots echoed on the pavement as she ran towards the bakery, coming to a halt when she was face to face with Yaz.
The other woman smiled at her as she locked the door, pressing the handle once to make sure it was truly locked before turning back to face her friend. “You actually got here on time?” Yaz asked, her lips curling into a smile.
“I ran,” El admitted as she caught her breath, slightly bent forwards before straightening up to her full height. She was only a bit taller than Yaz, but her boots added a slight advantage to her as she looked down at her friend who was scanning her with her gaze.
“I’ve noticed,” Yaz noted with a smirk, one eyebrow raised and a mischievous glint behind her eyes. “So, where do you want to go?”
“Aren’t I supposed to be the one asking you this?” El questioned, though she was secretly glad she could drag her and get that pizza she was craving so much.
“Role reversal, you pick and I’ll pick next time,” Yaz smiled.
Next time. That was good, that was brilliant even. Next time meant that Yaz wanted to talk some more, that she wanted to continue their friendship. That she didn’t give up on her, even though everyone else would’ve done so a long time ago.
“Pizza?” El replied with a question that already both already knew the answer to.
Yaz rolled her eyes affectionately before moving forward and wrapping her fingers around El’s wrists, dragging her towards ‘Slice of pie’. As they got closer, the scent of pizza got stronger and El hungrily inhaled it, already feeling the excitement.
The inside of the building was warm and it smelled like flour and freshly baked dough with tomato sauce as well as a mixture of various toppings. The music was soft, mixing with the muffled conversations that were had at some of the tables.
It was quite dim, lit up by glowing yellow lights that barely managed to properly shine on the tables underneath. The floor was still the same, wooden and creaky and the walls were painted in a red coat that added to the darkness.
“You order and I’ll find us a table?” Yaz asked quietly as the door closed behind them. El nodded before making her way to the counter, already knowing her order beforehand.
“Hi, what can I get you?” the young man that worked behind the counter asked with a forced smile.
“Hi, can I get a veggie pizza and two cokes please?” she asked, eyes looking briefly back to Yaz who had already sat down at their table and took off her jacket, placing it delicately over the back of her chair.
“It’ll be ready in like twenty minutes,” he replied as El nodded before stepping away from the counter and making her way towards Yaz who was typing something on her phone. As soon as she saw El, she put the phone down and smiled, waiting for the other woman to sit down.
El smiled back at her as she settled down, taking off her sweater and placing it over the back of the chair sloppily. The chair creaked as she pulled herself closer towards the table and Yaz simply waited for her to stop before looking at her closely with a small sigh.
“It’s good to have you back,” she noted while playing with a strand of her hair absentmindedly.
“Yeah, it’s good to be back,” El agreed with a nod as she took a breath, interrupted by the waiter bringing them their beverages. They both thanked him awkwardly as he put the glasses on the wooden table before placing the coke bottles next to them.
“So, how have you been?” El asked as she poured some of the coke into her glass, watching the bubbles fizzle to the top, threatening to overflow the glass.
“Eh, okay I guess… you?”
“Same,” she replied before taking a sip, watching Yaz drink as well.
The door opened, allowing cool air to enter. Yaz looked over El, her face lighting up as she nodded to the person that had arrived. El furrowed her brows in confusion as she turned over her shoulder to look at them, her heart stopped as she saw Ryan wave at Yaz, his smile freezing on his lips as soon as he saw El.
“I didn’t know both of you would be here,” he muttered to Yaz as he made his way towards them, sitting down next to Yaz.
“Yeah, well, we always used to go together,” Yaz shrugged, taking another sip of her coke.
“Yeah, used to,” he said, actively avoiding looking in El’s direction.
She didn’t blame him, of course, she didn’t. But she could see Yaz pick up on the tension that gathered in the air surrounding them, so thick that they could cut it with a knife.
“So, Ryan, how was work?” El asked, unsure whether it was her best or worst idea. It was the latter, according to Ryan’s expression as his eyes finally met her.
“Fine,” he said, his voice dripping with apathy. And she understood, of course, she did. It didn’t make it hurt any less.
“I’ll go get myself something to drink,” Ryan proclaimed while getting up from his chair before either Yaz or El could ask him anything else. Yaz shot El a look, raising her eyebrow in question to which El simply shrugged, not sure herself how she could get out of that situation.
She watched Ryan get back with a glass and a bottle of coke. He sat down without another word as he poured himself a drink, raising the glass to his lips quickly before they could ask him about something.
El sighed, eyes turning to the counter to see whether their pizza was ready or not. Pizza meant eating. Eating meant no awkward silences. No awkward silences were good. Pizza was good.
“I’ve missed this place,” she noted in an attempt to strike up a conversation, making Yaz turn back to face her.
“They didn’t have pizza in the big city?” Yaz snickered.
“Yeah, but it wasn’t as good,” El shrugged, fingers wrapped around the cold glass.
“I sincerely doubt that,” Yaz shook her head with a smile while Ryan listened in.
“Well, don’t. They had nothing on this place.”
“Good old Briar Glen pizza?”
“Good old Briar Glen pizza.”
El could have sworn she saw Ryan smile, but before she could properly acknowledge it, the curl to his lips was gone, instead replaced by a stone-cold façade. She sighed softly, before looking around the place. There were some occupied tables, mostly by younger people that laughed as they shared a pizza.
This used to be them, laughing, talking about nothing. They used to spend so much time there, they used to laugh at her as she burnt her tongue on the pizza, not careful enough to let it cool down before biting into it. They used to listen to Yaz ramble about how annoying Sonya was. They used to encourage Ryan as he tried to learn how to ride a bike.
She got pulled out of her thoughts as the waiter placed a plate with their pizza on the table, the freshly baked dough wafting into her face and she inhaled the scent excitedly, already hurrying to take a slice. She put it up to her lips, scrunching up her nose as she realised that both Ryan and Yaz were watching her quietly with anticipation. “What?” she questioned as she took a bite, realising too late that it was still too hot.
Both Yaz and Ryan snickered as she put the slice down with a pout, trying to ignore the pain that she endured. “You never change, do you?” Yaz teased as El gulped the rest of her coke.
“I do,” El opposed, voice higher than usually.
“She doesn’t,” Ryan shook his head, earning a nod from Yaz.
“Do you two realise that I’m right here?” El scoffed but the corners of her lips were already upturned, betraying her.
Everything was okay, at that moment. Back to normal, even if just for a bit. She could pretend.
Everything was fine.